Mike & Molly s04e15 Episode Script

Can't believe we're having dinner with your mom on a wednesday night ** Okay? You owe me.
And no foot rubs.
I want cold, hard cash.
All right, come on, come on now.
She just says she has a surprise for me.
Just roll with it.
That last time she said that, she had us come over and look at a stain on her carpet that she thought looked like Jesus.
Yeah, that was ridiculous.
At best, I was seeing Kenny Loggins.
About time.
What'd you bring her for? It's not Sunday.
- Is that my boy? - Kay?! Meatball! Get in here.
Oh, it's been years.
How you been? Ah, you know me.
Give me a passport, a plane ticket and clean panties, I'm good to go.
Oh, Kay, you're awful.
The nuns at school used to beat her blue for that mouth.
Ah, yeah, well, they broke a lot of rulers, but they never broke me.
And-and who is this? Meatball's got himself a little girlfriend? This is Molly.
My wife.
Mom never told you? Well, I didn't want to bother her if it turned out to be nothing.
I-I don't go around bragging about you, either.
Boy, you must've been pretty strong to pry him out of her cold, dead hands.
Bring it in, Mrs.
Meatball.
Oh, okay.
Oh, we got a hugger! So, Kay, how long you in town for this time? Ah, just the week.
My mom passed, so I have to make all the arrangements.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Ah, don't be; She and I had kind of a rocky relationship.
"Rocky"? She attacked you with a meat cleaver.
Thank God she passed out drunk on her backswing.
The, uh, mother-daughter stuff can be kind of complicated.
Yeah, that's the truth.
Anyway, I'm just here to make sure she's dead.
And to, uh, see my godson here and meet his lovely bride.
Aw.
Wow.
You two are just so cute, I could just eat you up.
Give me some of that sugar! Hey, get over here, Peg! I'm good.
Yeah, that's right.
I forgot.
You weren't much of a hugger.
Unless it involved a boy and the backseat of a car.
Kay, they don't need to hear all that.
Yeah, we really don't.
Hey, what ever happened to that kid with the short arm who'd give you 50 cents to punch him in the onions? Rusty? He's a city alderman.
Still got a short arm, still comes sniffing around.
You slut! Call me what you will.
At least there's no potholes on my street.
She just called your mom a slut.
I love her.
La, la-ba-dee-da La, la-ba-dee-da For the first time in my life I see love I see love I see love - One.
- One.
This doesn't seem safe.
Two.
Two.
Ah, don't worry about it.
They've been doing it since he was little.
Three! Three! Oh, you've gotten a lot better since you were 12! You beat a boy.
Let's see if you can beat a man.
Yeah, well, when one shows up, I'll take him on.
Whoa! Yeah! Yeah! Damn it! Best out of three! Oh, walk it off, Meatball.
She's too good.
Kay was our high school leg wrestling champ.
She even beat Sister Carmelina.
I had to.
The old penguin wouldn't give me a recommendation to Berkeley until I pinned her.
You went to Berkeley? Class of '71.
Wow.
It was eye of the storm.
Protests and sit-ins.
That's that must've been so exciting.
That's what I hear.
I don't remember much of it.
The only thing I took more than acid was a police baton to the head.
Oh, you know, uh, in when I was in college, I took an Ultimate Frisbee to the head.
There's, like, a good, you know, 45 minutes that just are completely blank.
You get it.
That's exactly why I took up photography.
I mean, it just sort of helps you piece together what you did the day before.
Kay started working for National Geographic right after the Peace Corps.
National Geographic? Oh, my I-I have been collecting that since I was 13.
I mean, that-that's why we can't even park in the garage.
She'd send me letters from all over the world.
The first naked lady I ever saw was a picture Kay took of a tribe in the rain forest.
Who knew an old Kayapo woman washing her clothes in the river would usher you into manhood? Hey, is that why you made me hand wash your sweaters? Maybe.
Kay has seen every inch of this filthy planet.
Yeah, there's only one place I wouldn't dare go back to.
Somalia? Florida.
Awful place.
Mickey Mouse, meth and mullets.
Let the Cubans have it.
So, what's on the docket for tomorrow? Well, in the morning, I got to be there when they run Mom's carcass through the incinerator.
Then, to keep the party going, I thought I'd hit the Art Institute.
Glad I'm working.
Art museums.
Just a way for perverts to look at nude babies with wings.
Oh, Peg, the world changes.
You never do.
You know, I'm free tomorrow if you're looking for somebody to tag along.
I thought you had to stay home and pretend to write your book.
You're a writer? Yeah, aspiring author, yes.
Well, why don't you come with me.
We'll look at paintings and I'll give you some stories to write about.
Seriously? I would I would love that.
Well, let's iron out the details in the morning.
And, uh, wear some comfortable shoes.
I like to cover a lot of ground.
So do I.
Oh, it's like it's like we're the same person.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have urgent business to the south.
I got to meet a man at Marwar Junction.
I love Kay.
She's got the greatest expressions for going to the can.
Is that what that meant? Oh, God, she even makes going to the bathroom sound like an adventure.
See? Aren't you glad you came and met Kay instead of faking that migraine? I really am.
Just so you know, Kay doesn't really want you to tag along with her to the museum.
Well, she invited me.
Yeah.
Don't you understand when someone's just trying to be polite? Not in this house.
She's here a week.
Yeah, and you're working.
She's my friend.
Go find your own.
You know, I really think I am starting to get a headache.
Where do those migraines start? Right there.
This Kay sounds great.
I'd love to meet her.
I'd love to be her.
Oh.
What makes her so special? She's just full of life, and she's traveled all over the world.
So did I.
I was a flight attendant.
You didn't explore the jungle, you explored airport bars.
Hey.
Those bars can be just as dangerous.
There's creepy predators, exotic diseases.
And either place you're gonna get bushwhacked.
I-I'm just saying, you get to meet a woman like Kay once in a lifetime, and I'm not gonna pass up an opportunity to spend the day with her.
So you're still going to the museum? Yeah, why wouldn't I? Because it's pretty obvious my mother doesn't want you to go.
Oh, you're being silly.
I'm being smart.
The last thing you want to do is get on her bad side.
Is there a good side? Yes, and believe it or not, you're on it.
Your tires aren't slashed, no dog turds in the mailbox, and the women at her church don't think you have syphilis.
Oh, God! Why do you think that amazing house across the street from her gets sold every year? I thought it was black mold.
She's the black mold.
Please, just leave Kay alone.
But we Ah-da-da-da-da! Ah! Make good choices.
This is stupid.
A grown woman telling me who I can't be friends with.
Maybe Peggy and Kay are more than friends.
What? You said they went to an all-girls school.
Dorm full of pubescent teens, brimming with sexual curiosity.
Lights go out.
A gentle hand reaches over.
Caressing your red hair.
Telling you you're pretty when no one else will.
Mom? I'm just trying to help Molly make sense of a confusing time in a girl's life.
No, this is confusing! God, I'm calling Kay.
That's the spirit.
Fight for your woman.
No It's not like that.
I just I want to go see some art with one of the most interesting women I have ever met.
Mike might be afraid of his mother, but I am not.
Hello? Wrong number.
You know I love my wife.
Mm-hmm.
But the more you tell her not to do something, the more she's gonna do it.
Uh, Molly has to know three women can't get along.
I mean, with guys, it works.
Three Musketeers, Three Stooges, us.
It's magical.
You know why it works with guys? Because Curly doesn't care if Moe takes Larry to the museum.
It's a friendship, not a competition.
In a perfect world.
What are you talking about? Carl, please.
You'd be horribly jealous if Mike and I did something without you.
No, I wouldn't.
Have you done something without me? Mike, we can't keep living this lie.
We went bowling.
No big deal.
One time.
It-it just happened.
I see.
You can't be mad.
No, I'm not.
The two of you went out, you had some fun.
I'm happy for you.
Really? Of course.
That's a relief, because Don't you touch me.
You did not.
Well, I broke a couple of commandments, but, I mean, you got to do what you got to do to get out of a Turkish prison.
Oh, my God.
I once showed my cleavage to get away from mall security, so I think we've both done things we're not so proud of.
You know, I'm so glad you called this morning, but when I-I answered the phone, it sounded like you had an English accent.
This is one of the best collections I've seen.
Yeah.
I mean, the best that's been legally obtained.
What does that mean? Fidel Castro had amazing taste in stolen art.
What? But for a Latin, he was a lousy lover.
Oh, my God, there are so many things about that sentence that you need to explain to me.
Well, pace yourself.
I got a lot more stories, we got a lot more art to see.
Before we do that, I need to sit down with Georgia O'Keeffe and have a wee chat.
I'm sorry, but I love it when you have to go to the bathroom.
Oh, you know what, let's go up to the third floor; There's one up there.
And then we can catch the Americana exhibit.
Oh Miss me? Bloody hell.
All right, ladies, here's your coffee.
Fuel up.
We still have all of the expressionists to explore.
I just wish that The Scream was here.
That's really my favorite.
Oh.
You want to hear something cool? Hmm? The reddish sky that Munch painted Yeah.
was inspired by the eruption of Krakatoa.
No, I did not know that.
I swear, being with you is like taking a master class in awesome.
Kay, remember that volcano we made in eighth grade? You know, um, several summers ago, I was in Naples when Vesuvius was just spewing lava, and we had just come from Pompeii.
Ah, don't you adore Naples? Oh.
I mean, it's full of dwarves and hunchbacks and the best pizza in the world.
Oh Pizzeria Brandi.
Molto bene.
Oh, que bella.
If you two are gonna keep speaking SpaghettiOs, I'm leaving.
Peg, take it easy.
Don't you see what she's doing? She's trying to take you from me.
This is Dolores Wisnicki all over again.
Are you still stuck on that? That's 50 years ago.
You don't forget a betrayal like that.
She came rolling into town Class Supreme, and you left me behind like a fart at a party.
You're being ridiculous.
You know what's ridiculous is $3.
50 for a cup of coffee.
What? Did you ever think maybe it wasn't Dolores's car that drove me away? What's that supposed to mean? You know, I almost drowned in the Amazon.
I've even had worms living in my eyeballs.
But the worst pain in my ass has been being friends with you.
You're no walk in the park.
I get you one week every three years.
You're like a yeast infection! Well, my dear, consider yourself cured.
You want to tell me about the volcano in eighth grade? Okay.
What did you do?! I didn't make good choices.
No, you didn't! I'm so sorry.
Honey, in one day, you managed to destroy five decades of friendship because you couldn't leave well enough alone.
It was just a little trip to the museum.
She's blowing this out of proportion.
It's my mother.
Blowing stuff up is what she does! I can talk to her.
You can't.
You've been banished from the house.
But I haven't.
I still get to go all by myself.
Yay! You know, you were my buffer.
Wasn't the reason I married you, but it was a big plus! Listen, your mom just needs to cool off.
She doesn't cool off.
She keeps burning like an underground fire! All right, Mike, I will make this right.
Impossible! You're done.
I'm all alone.
No partner, no backup.
You handed me to her on a platter.
Peggy, it's Molly.
It's been two days.
You have to talk to me at some point.
Peggy, please.
Okay, I know I shouldn't have gotten in between you and your friend, and I'm sorry.
You can be mad at me all you want, but I'm not giving up on you.
'Cause I don't give up on family.
Oh, come on! I worked on that speech all day! Shh! Shh.
Be quiet.
Ooh Jim, what are you barking at? It's me! It's just It's just me.
Oh, God.
I thought you were Kay's dead mother coming back to haunt me.
I'm sorry.
What are you doing here? Get out of my house.
No, not until we talk.
You heard all I want to say to you.
Now out! You're running out of people to ban from your house, Peggy.
I don't care.
I don't believe that.
I mean, I-I believe that you never want me to be in your house again, but Okay, well, but about Kay? I mean, you're-you're just gonna throw away 50 years of friendship? Watch me.
If I can do it to a sister, I can do it to her.
Mike has an aunt? Not anymore.
Are you through? No.
And neither is Kay.
You know, your best friend is at a funeral home saying good-bye to her mother right now.
And she wants you there.
No, she doesn't.
Yes, she does.
How do you know? 'Cause she told me.
What were her exact words? "I want Peggy there.
" That does sound like her.
What'd I tell you? Nobody.
What are you doing here? She said you wanted me to come.
I never said that.
Okay, it doesn't matter who said what or whether any of it was true.
The important thing is is that you're you're both here together.
Take me home.
No.
Nobody should have to say good-bye to their mother alone.
Go.
I thought she'd outlive us both just for spite.
It's odd.
All that hatefulness packed into one little urn.
I'm glad you came.
Wouldn't be anywhere else.
Thanks for giving Molly another chance, Ma.
Well, sometimes you got to learn to forgive.
Otherwise, you end up with nobody at your funeral and your ashes in a Dumpster behind the Walgreens.
Okay, you gonna wrestle or just lay there? One! Remember, Molly, it's all about balance.
Two! Come on, Kay, do her like you done Mikey! Three! Good God, she's strong! I am Mrs.
Meatball!