Modern Family s04e15 Episode Script

_ Clive Bixby what a sexy surprise - Quick question: - Hmhmm? Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Because you--uh I'm gonna come in again.
We are watching baby Joe on Valentine's day so my dad and Gloria can - Make love.
- Ew.
Don't.
- Oh.
- The point is, we are celebrating a day early.
So they can finally be intimate.
You've more than made that point.
I'm just saying it's a long wait after giving birth.
- Six weeks.
- Ugh.
I couldn't keep my hands off this one for that long.
I can only imagine what Jay's going through.
Voila.
Square knot.
Impressive.
I can make any kind of knot.
It's like I have a sailor in my mouth.
I should check on the kids.
Haley took 'Em to a movie.
She's not even gonna answer.
I know, but, sweetie, I have a good reason to worry.
Luke had that nasty nosebleed this morning, and Alex, as usual, fainted.
She's fine, and Dunphy men get nosebleeds.
I told you this when we got married.
It was in my vows.
I'm still a little unclear as to why you put them in your vows-- Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
Just finish that drink, pretty lady.
We got a big night ahead of us.
Okay.
First, we have a date with romance.
- A threesome, if you will.
- Oh.
From here, we move on to an old-fashioned blimpnic.
Now is that the one where the man has to face out at the woman It's a picnic on a blimp.
- Hmm.
- Champagne, cheese, and this beautiful city beneath us.
That actually sounds really romantic.
After that, we swap our earplugs for some earmuffs, and take a few moonlit turns around the local ice rink.
Oh.
From there, it's a quick trip back to the hotel, - where - I'm spinning.
Well, I wouldn't start with that, but, uh, we--we can work our way up to it.
No.
I'm feeling really weird.
Catch that, Clive? Just tell me what you want.
Juliana? Claire? One of you needs to answer me.
Blood pressure's still good.
I think I can send you home.
Great.
So it was probably just low blood sugar or something? See, honey? I told you it was nothing to worry about.
Well, it's not nothing.
You did have a small heart episode.
Dr.
Coben, this may have been my fault.
I think I was being too sexy.
Yeah, I don't think that's an issue.
You sure about that? Um, doctor, you're not saying that I had a heart attack or something, right? Not at all.
What you have is a very minor arrhythmia, known as Wolff-Parkinson-White syndrome.
It's hereditary, so you're off the hook.
Oh, yeah.
My mom has that.
We'll treat it with medication and have you back in a couple of days.
In the meantime, just take it easy.
Okay.
Thank you! I guess we should tell your dad we can't watch the baby tomorrow.
No.
No.
I don't want everyone to know about this.
They're just gonna get worried and--and make a bigger deal of it than it is.
Sweetheart, promise me? I promise.
I know it's not that big a deal.
This is a huge deal For which I'm partly responsible, in spite of what Claire's lesbian doctor says.
Hey, honey, I was just reading about this Wolff-White thing.
It's not that serious.
You're gonna be fine.
I know.
Who's ready to hit the ice? - What? - Come on.
Somebody promised me a moonlit skate.
But didn't the doctor say you needed to take it easy? Oh, that's just one of those things they have to say, like, "you can't drink when you're pregnant.
" Come on.
We're not gonna seriously blow off Valentine's day, are we? No.
I just thought why ice things down when we could heat things up? - Oh, I like where this is going.
- Right? - Yes.
- Yeah? Ye--no! Honey, I know what you're doing.
You're treating me like a patient, - and you promised that you wouldn't.
- No.
No, no, no, no, no.
I just had a better idea.
What? Side-by-side couples massage.
Oh.
Just you, me, and a couple Cambodian guys to work us over good.
Specific.
What is that? You think the kids are home? That sounds like more than our three.
Oh.
Oh, they think we're not home, and they're having a party.
- I'm killing them.
- No, no, no.
No, no, no.
"A": it's my turn to kill them.
"B": you need to order up those massages.
Mm-hmm.
It's under "best number one U.
S.
A.
Coca-Cola good time massage.
" What the hell is going on?! Dad? What are you doing home? So this is how it is? - We're gone for a minute, and you guys throw a party? - No! Just texted mom we're having a good time at the movies.
It works every t--aah! - So this is a regular thing? - No! You know the drill.
Coolers our b--aah--ack! Enough! Turn off the music.
Everybody who I did not create, get out of my house right now! I don't want to get upset.
I've been through enough tonight.
What happened? I'm not supposed to tell you.
When you say it like that, we make it worse in our heads.
Fine.
It's no big deal.
Your mother had to go to the hospital.
Oh, my God! What?! That is so much worse than it would be in our heads! She's fine.
She just passed out a little.
Something to do with her heart.
- Like a heart attack?! - Mom had a heart attack?! - Mom almost died of a heart attack?! - No! She had a little episode, probably triggered by me.
She just needs to rest.
For once, let's not think about ourselves.
Phil, everything okay? Fine! I'm coming! Just act like everything's normal.
Oh, and if, uh, two Cambodian guys show up, send them to our bedroom.
Kids had a few friends over.
I handled it.
So you're good at handling things.
You like? Me love, but is this appropriate massage wear? They were busy, which is what we should be getting.
Honey.
Honey, are you sure this is okay for your--aah! Mm-hmm! Mmm.
Ooh! Salty.
I still have a few moves.
Mm, that's the chips, sweetie.
Oh, sorry.
Right.
Mmm.
Mom, we need to talk to you.
Dad told us not to say anything, but we're really worried about you.
- You told them?! - No! You had a heart attack? - Phil! - That is not what I said.
Kids, everything is fine.
Call 9-1-1! Oh, God! Her heart exploded! - Oh, my God! I did it again! - Phil, it's your nose! - Oh.
- Ugh.
This is the one thing, the one thing I ask from you is not to make a big deal of this, and you couldn't even do that.
Honey, you need to stay calm.
No, I don't, because I am fine.
We are all fine.
Oh, God.
Haley, revive your sister.
Not in the mood for an apology, Phil.
Good, 'cause you're not gettin' one.
I'm allowed to worry about you.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, when there's something to worry about.
But this was nothing.
I told you, my mom has this.
Which I just found out about today.
How has that not come up in 20 years? I was getting to it.
Look, I know you feel like you have to be the rock for this family and worry about everybody's boy problems and nosebleeds and who has enough greens.
They're supposed to cover half the plate.
Claire, stop it.
I'm saying you could let us take care of you every once in a while.
Like for example, when you clutch your chest and collapse.
This house isn't gonna crumble in the dust if you let yourself be vulnerable.
We don't know that.
We could find out.
It was kind of scary.
Of course.
- Until I knew what it was, and then - Don't ruin it.
I just have one more question.
Hmm? Did it hurt? Well, I blacked out before I When you fell from heaven? Nailed it.
_ You just take care of Claire.
We got Joe.
Gloria? ¿Sí, mi Amor? Wow.
Happy Valentine's-- Wait.
Wait.
Wait.
Time-out.
That was Phil.
They can't watch Joe today.
Claire was in the emergency room last night.
- Is she okay? - She's gonna be fine, - but, you know, she had a little bit-- - Okay, good.
I love how you look in this suit.
Let's see how it looks on the floor, okay? Okay, but I gotta be in a meeting in one hour.
Ay, that's so cute that after six weeks, you think you're going to need an hour! Happy Valentine's day! It's the one time of the year when the world tries to be as romantic as I am all the time.
- Good luck, world.
- Get out.
Anyway, since you're almost done dressing Jay - Mm-hmm.
- How about we head to school early? I'll check my hair and meet you in the car.
Gloria, I'll be back in two hours, tops.
We decide who does what when you come back.
I got a ticket running a red light So let's make this worth it.
Put the kid down.
I can't.
He's being a real pritchett.
We need to come up with a different term for that.
Watch.
Watch.
Okay, I used to have a TV got reception like that.
Let me try.
Hey, Joe Joe.
Hey buddy.
- Guy to guy, you're blocking me a little bit.
You know that.
- Ohh! Yes, you do.
Yes, you do, Joe.
Hey, how about a half-hour? What do you say, pal? Huh? Can you do it? Attaboy! I've never been more attracted to you.
Prove it.
- Are you kissing? - That's a bit of a mood killer.
My daddies kiss a lot.
And flatlined.
Mitch and Cam are having a party for Valentine's.
Claire was supposed to take care of her, but now she can't.
Lily, we're so happy to have you here.
I have a big surprise for you! Look! A brand-new, shiny TV remote! Looks complicated.
Just keep hitting all those buttons until something good happens.
That's my plan, anyway.
Woof! Where were all these distractions the night that Joe was conceived? I'm kidding.
He's a blessing.
Can I help you? Yeah, I'm Harlan.
I'm here to do your baby proofing.
Jay, I've been waiting for this appointment for weeks.
I've waited longer for mine.
The human race has survived for a thousand years without these foam bumpers and--and gates everywhere.
Hell, I used to drive to the supermarket with Mitchell and Claire on the hood of the car.
When did everybody get so overprotective? Maybe when kids started flying off cars.
How long? Normally I have help, but Dale, uh You met Dale at the shop.
He's a tall guy.
- He's my sister's kid-- - Hey, listen, you and I are gonna bang this out in about an hour.
Where do you want it? I know a lot of people think that I'm attracted to Jay because of his money, but they're wrong.
I'm attracted to him because he's sexy, and he's never been sexier than today.
The suit The carrying of the boxes No, no.
You listen to me.
You've had my wife's car four days.
Figure out what that screeching noise is, or you'll be making one yourself.
The yelling on the phone Give me that.
And the drilling.
So much drilling.
Time to go, Harlan.
Okay.
You want me to walk you through any of the-- - No, we'll take it from here.
- Okay.
Uh, listen.
Give me a call if you have any trouble with the gates, - because they're a little tricky, you know? - Yeah.
You gotta be gentle with it.
Ten seconds, or I start without you.
Ready or not, here I Can you Come on! Okay, you have to lift it.
It's not a lift.
It's a squeeze.
Okay, then squeeze it! I'm squeezing it! It's impossible! Jay, please.
Best day ever! I just got invited to a Valentine's party by a secret admirer! - You should go.
- Sounds great! Go! I obviously need to get dressed first.
Can you keep it under a half-hour? You're funny.
Manny, come on.
Let's go! - Relax.
- Come on! You don't have to drive me.
It's just down the street.
Oh, I thought I had to drive you.
What's with the hat? My secret admirer requested I wear a hat with a feather in it.
I'm like, "which one?" Really? This secret admirer have any other requests? Uh, yes.
She asked me to bring some poetry to recite at the party.
These, uh, kids at the party They wouldn't be the popular ones by any chance? The most popular.
Why? No reason.
Just have fun.
I will.
No, Jay.
It's squeeze.
What? I have cigar breath? It's not you.
Ay.
Did you already What? No! No.
I'm worried about Manny.
I think he's being set up for some kind of humiliation at that party.
Oh.
That's so sweet of you to worry.
Just when you thought that you couldn't get any sexier.
- Yeah, he's fine, right? - Yeah, he's fine.
Come here Oh, I think I gotta check on him.
There was something about some kind of secret admirer - getting him to - Bring his poems? Yeah, he told me when I was lint-rolling his jacket.
And you're not worried it's a prank? Of course I worry.
I worry about him all the time.
But like you said, we can't protect them from everything.
So I'm just trying to, like, let go a little bit.
Let him ride on top of the car? No, that's just crazy.
That's the hardest part, isn't it? When you realize you can't stop the world from hurting them.
Now you're making me want to cry.
This is not what this day is all about.
You're right.
Okay.
I'll go and get us some champagne.
Good idea.
Manny? No, nothing.
Just wanted to know if everything is okay.
Hi, honey.
Sorry to bother you.
I know you're resting.
I heard you had a little scare last night.
Hey, uh, when are you going back to the doctor? 'Cause if you want, I can go with you.
_ This year for Valentine's day, we decided to throw a lonely hearts party for all of our single friends.
Sometimes when we're around them, we feel a little guilty for having found each other, like we're waving our love in their faces.
There's gotta be a better way of saying that.
Anyway, it was supposed to be an elegant affair.
Ogle me.
Showtime.
Put the cat away.
Okay.
Yeah.
Great.
- Oh, and, Mitchell, please hey.
- Yeah? Please try to have fun tonight.
I always have fun.
No, I know you're great at stay-at-home fun and sit-on-the-couch fun, but this is party fun, and sometimes you-- Okay, this is not fun.
Get the door.
I will show you some fun.
Things got a little hazy after that.
Hello? Yeah, hi--hi, dad.
No, no.
I'm up.
I am up.
Yeah, bring her by at any time.
Okay.
Good night.
Oh, Cam.
Oh, God, that was some party last night.
Yeah.
Well, I'm just glad you made it home safely.
Wha--made--made it ho-- I don't-- I don't even remember leaving the party.
Oh, I-I think I got a little tipsy.
Tipsy? You were like all of the "Mad men.
" Oh, no, no, no.
Don't make it out like I did a lot of crazy, out of control-- - I was hoping I dreamt that.
- Mm.
Come on.
Like--like you've never had a few cocktails and died a cat pink with cherry kool-aid.
Okay.
Well, is there anything else you need to tell me about? Not that I remember.
I'm remembering this.
Oh, my gosh, Mitchell, are these Burt and Dottie Winchell's Christmas decorations? How could you? They never take them down, okay? I was doing the whole neighborhood a favor.
Oh, God.
Cam, I you know, I think-- I-I think there are pictures.
I remember Pepper and Longinus were--okay.
Mm.
Oh, my gosh.
Those poor reindeer.
Oh, it seems like Prancer is the belle of the ball-- no surprise there.
Oh.
You must be ViXen.
Okay.
Okay.
Not funny, Mitchell.
Look at this place.
What were you thinking? Okay.
Cam, I yes, I went a little nuts, all right? I-I'm sorry.
But I didn't do anything that can't be undone.
Hey, roomies.
Hey, thank you so much for letting me move in here.
Yes.
Could you excuse us for just a a moment, Dylan? Yeah.
Take as much time as you need.
It's your house.
I just live here now.
Cam, did--did I tell him that he could live with us? - Obviously.
- Oh, my God.
Was he even at our party? Yes.
He's been driving a limousine for some company, and J'Marcus hired him for the night, and now he lives here.
Are you all caught up there? I-I don't remember any of this.
Well, let's create a new memory-- - one where you tell him he can't live here.
- Oh.
Can I say one short thing? I came to this house a broken man after my mom threw me out for her new boyfriend.
And then I found out I was getting let go from the limo company the same night Haley goes to a party without me.
So I had nothing and no one.
And then you Okay.
Come on.
Tell him.
Let him finish.
I'm sorry.
I mean, gay dudes have always been nice to me-- I mean, super nice.
But nothing like this.
I guess what I'm trying to say is Oh, my God.
He's gonna sing.
So many years living life underwater ™ Came up for air in the room of your daughter ™ I never knew I would find my answer ™ in my ex-girlfriend's uncles' house ™ ™ with the tiny pink pink panther ™ Dylan, Dylan.
I'm--I'm sorry.
Oh, gosh, I--this is This is really hard for me to say, but we--we just cannot Not wash our cat.
I'm sorry.
And yet when I did that drunk, not a scratch.
Oh, my gosh, this place is cleaner than when we moved in.
Best houseguest ever.
No, we are not keeping him.
Do you think he took the Christmas decorations back to the Winchell's? Oh, well, I think he thinks he did.
What? Okay, yeah.
Dylan! Dylan! Dylan! No, no, no! Oh, hey, guys.
I'm up here.
Yeah, hi.
Listen, Dylan, those decorations were on the yard Of that house.
Oh.
No good deed, huh? Yeah, well Hey! I can see our house from here.
- Oh, jeez.
Are you kidding me? - Dylan! Dylan! - This day - Aah! One night.
Just till his bone sets.
Yeah, but there's always gonna be a reason not to tell him, isn't there? Okay.
What if we, um-- No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
No "we.
" You made your bed.
You lie in it.
Don't lie there.
I just made it.
Sorry.
Not looking.
Not looking.
It's okay, Dylan.
I made you guys some soups.
Oh, Dylan, you didn't have to do that.
Well, Cam didn't have to offer to let me stay here, but he did.
So here are soups.
Cam offered? Well, I know he was speaking for both of you.
You weren't home yet.
Is that a problem? Not for me.
Oh.
Dylan, can you give us just a moment? Not looking.
Not looking.
I'll get it! So I guess in a way, we're both responsible.
Yeah, but in the real way, you're responsible.
Take care of that.
Come on.
Let's do it.
Oh, my God.
I hate myself right now.
What kind of monster throws an injured innocent onto the street? You can't live here.
Get out! Lily.
Lily.
It's weird.
You're a big boy.
- I'm sorry, Dylan.
- She doesn't mean that.
No.
She's right.
Everyone says it.
I need to stop running from conflict.
It's time to be a big boy and patch things up and move back in with my mom.
I'll get my things.
- Okay.
Sorry.
- Sorry, yeah.
I guess I got off easy.
She is blunt but effective.
Maybe we should have her talk to the gardener.
Hey, C-Cam, um Do you really think that I'm not any fun? What? Last night, you said that I-- This isn't a hotel! Yeah, you made your point, honey! He's got it.
No, it--I only drank like that last night because I I was trying to be more fun.
Oh.
No, I didn't mean it like that.
I'm sorry.
You know I have party anxiety.
I was nervous.
No, but you're not entirely wrong.
I mean, I-I could be a little less uptight and loosen up a little bit.
Yeah.
Maybe we could, you know, aim for middle-ground fun.
You know, if--if you're up for a do-over, I recently heard of an idea that could put us in the low end of upper middle-ground fun.
Okay.
Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk in again? - Jay? - Coming, honey! Oh, God.
There you are, Jay.
I thought you'd never wake up.
Turns out my night with my secret admirer couldn't have gone better.
We danced all night.
And the best part was, - her eyes were just - Manny.
Manny, Manny-- dying to hear it.
Wait ten seconds and come in and tell both of us.
Jay, you took so long.
I'm not done with you.
I'm not done with you, either.
Best Valentine's party ever.
So there's this girl-- I should start from the beginning.
So first a little history