South Park s04e15 Episode Script

comedy central ? I'm going down to south park? ? Gonna have myself a time? ? Friendly faces everywhere? ? Humble folks without temptation? ? Going down to south park? ? Gonna leave my woes behind? ? Ample parking day or night? ? People spouting "howdy neighbor"? ? Headed on up to south park? ? Gonna see if i can't unwind? ? So come on down to south park? ? And meet some friends of mine? All right, children, as i'm sure you all remember, Today we're gonna continue our biology lesson By dissecting an organism.
Yeah! Woo-Hoo! Now, what we are going to dissect today Is the west indian manatee.
Manatees are mammals that live in the oceans And are often called "the gentle clowns of the sea".
Uh, miss choksondik, aren't manatees endangered? They sure are, wendy.
And that's why we must learn what's inside them.
Now, we don't have quite enough manatees to go around So i think we're gonna have to split up into groups of four.
Hey, ours is still alive! Oh, hold on.
Uh, uh! Now, children, our first incision will be along the abdomen.
I can't do it, dude.
Oh, don't be such a baby.
You do it, kenny.
Unh-Uh.
Come on, kenny, i'll give you five bucks to do it.
Five bucks! Too bad cartman's missing this, he must be really sick.
Say, terrance, This body appears to have been moved since the murder.
Look at the forensic evidence around the torso.
I don't see anything.
Look closer.
Closer.
I still don't see anything, phillip.
Wait, wait.
I know what's gonna happen, mom.
You wanna know what's gonna happen? Keep looking, terrance, the forensic evidence is right around here.
Whoa, that totally surprised me! I can't believe how this show manages to stay fresh, huh, mom? Yes, sweetie.
Mom Can you go make me a toaster-Pastry- Chocolate-Mix-Butter bar? Oh, honey, why don't you go make it yourself.
Mommy's expecting some company.
God, i have to do everything around here! ? You'll never find? ? No matter where you search? ? Someone who loves you tender? ? Like i do? ? I'm not braggin' on myself, baby? ? But the-? What the hell's going on? Uh, sweetie, your friends wanted to have a "talk" with you.
Eric, your friends and your family Are all concerned about your weight, m'kay.
What? We believe that you might have a problem.
You're goddamn right i have a problem! "Terrance and phillip" is on and i don't have anywhere to sit! Now what the hell is this?! It's called intervention, eric.
Your friends and i have all chipped in And we're going to send you up to a weight management retreat.
Fat camp? Yes, fat camp.
All right, i don't know who the hell put you all up to this, But i am sure as hell not going to any gay-Ass fat camp! Now, eric, all these people came here And paid to send you to camp because they care about you.
Yeah, except for me.
I just wanted to see the look on your face when they told you.
Mom, tell them.
Tell them i'm not fat, i'm just big-Boned.
Tell them all the stories about how everyone in your family Was big as a child but then grew into their bodies.
Oh, sweetie, those were all lies.
You're just fat.
And now, we will be removing the spleen.
Notice how the manatee's spleen is designed for- Ah, miss choksondik, can we have a quick word with you? All right.
Continue with the removal of the spleen, children, i'll be right back.
Oh, dude, check this out.
That's so gross.
Hey, kenny, how much for you to eat this? I won't eat it.
I'll give you 10 bucks to eat it.
I'll throw in five.
And so apparently there's been a little mix-Up.
The manatees were meant to go to the denver shelter aquarium And the frogs were meant to come here.
Oh dear.
I'll throw in a dollar! I got three.
Come on, dude, all you gotta do is eat it really fast.
Eww-Hoo! He did it.
All right, children, now, let's get back in our seats.
Uh, we are now going to put the manatees back together.
And it has basketball courts and tennis courts.
And you can call mommy anytime you want.
Oh, sweetie-Kins, don't be mad, I'm sure you're going to have a good time.
And when you come back, you'll be all healthy and thin.
Howdy there, i'm one of the weight counselors here.
This must be eric cartman.
Yes, i'm afraid he's a little moody.
Oh, we'll change that.
Hello, camper, my name is rick, how are you doing? Well, i'm pissed off, rick, how are you? I'm doing great! Why don't you come on out and we'll get you oriented.
I'll take care of him from here, ma'am.
Oh, well, good-Bye, sweetie.
Don't touch me.
Eric, this is the beginning of a whole new life for you! Have you got any candy? No.
My mom says i ain't to eat no candy here, I'm supposed to lose weight.
All right! Everybody's here and that means we can get down to business.
Over the next few weeks we're gonna learn That losing weight is fun, right, gang? Right.
Wait a second, do you kids hear something? Why, i could've swore that- Rrrar! Oh no, kids, it's glutinous fat! I'm gonna take over your body and make you slow.
Oh, what are we going to do? Wait, i know.
I can knock it out, with? Exercise! And? Proper diet.
Oh no! Exercise and proper diet have killed me.
I guess we took care of that bad old fat, didn't we, kids? Yeah! Well, hold on a second, Because that glutinous fat was really our good friend susan! Who's another weight counselor! Heh, it was a lady in a costume.
Would somebody put this retard out of his misery? What's the matter? Kenny's not feeling so good.
That manatee spleen made him sick.
Uh-Oh, i guess we shouldn't have made him eat it.
Eww! Well, at least you got it out of your system.
Oh, dude, you can still kind of see the spleen! How much, kenny? What?! I'll give you five bucks to eat your puke.
I'm in for five.
Oh, you guys.
I got three.
Six.
Uh, here, you can scoop it up in my r.
Kelly thermos.
That's 19 bucks, kenny.
Ohh! Eww.
Kick ass, dude! Y'know, dude, there might be something to this.
Yeah, people are willing to pay big money to see kenny do this stuff.
Doing great, kids, come on! This is bull crap! Well, i sure enjoyed my carrots and protein bar, How about you, gang? I'm starving.
This is it, i'm going to die here.
I hope you all left room for dessert- Soybean pudding for everybody! Are you gonna eat your soybean pudding? Take it, i can't eat this crap! Me neither, i have to have sugar or i'm gonna die.
Yeah, well, when i was in prison, We use to sneak stuff in by hiding it up our ass.
I've got some fudge hidden up my ass, you want some? Pssh- Yeah, i'm not falling for that one again.
All right, clyde frog, We just gotta clear the counselor building and we're free.
We did it, clyde frog! Now the only question is, do we go home to our traitor mom and friends, Or do we start a new life on the run? An ice cream truck! Hey, wait! Boy, am i glad to see you.
Can i interest you in some ice cream? You're damn right you can! Two "roller pops", please.
Alrighty, do you want this kind or this kind? Huh? Oh! They tricked us again, huh? Oh godammit, let me out of here! Hang on, we'll be back at camp in a matter of no time.
They always get us.
Sometimes it's an ice cream truck, sometimes it's a taco stand.
But they always fool us.
I can't help it.
I'd give anything, any amount of money for some candy.
Hey, kids! Looks like we had some attempted escapees again tonight.
Escape-Aroo.
Now, campers, i know that camp is tough, But you have to believe that you can do it.
And you have to know that until you drop the weight You can't leave! There is no escape.
So, let's just all put on our "try hard" helmets And accept that the only way for us to get out of camp Is to lose the weight! God dammit! Thanks for coming, everybody.
What's all this about, mrs.
Cartman, Is eric having trouble at his weight management camp? We knew he wouldn't make it.
Oh, no, quite the contrary.
Eric showed up and surprised me last night.
Ladies and gentlemen, i would like to present to you The new eric cartman.
Hey, dudes! Whoa! I don't believe it.
Believe it, he lost Eric, that's fantastic, m'kay! Congratulations, how do you feel? I feel awesome.
What the hell did they do with all the fat? That must've been enough to last an eskimo family months.
Y'know, kyle, there was a time when your fat jokes would have gotten to me, But now i'm totally slim and totally happy.
In fact, i'd say i'm a little bit trimmer than you, fat boy.
Heh heh, just kidding, kyle.
I made some healthy tofu pudding to celebrate.
Who wants some? Me, me, me, me! Dude, i don't know if i'm gonna like the new eric cartman.
Did you like the old one? Good point.
And now back to "jesus and pals" on south park public access.
Back to our courageous story of a little boy's triumph over obesity.
Eric, yea, you found that the spirit of the lord inside you gave you strength.
No, actually i found a diet that totally works.
A little boy who overcame the odds.
Let's hear it for eric cartman! Well, our second guest tonight is a young man named kenny mckormick Who is going to eat dog crap.
Kenny? Whoa! No! Yes! Woo-Hoo! Yeah! Dammit, all i got was a little golf clap.
Thanks for coming on the show, kenny.
Sure.
Do it again! Do it again! Hey kid, i'll give you 20 bucks to eat a really old piece of bacon.
This is ridiculous! So, kenny, how did you discover that you had this talent? We thought of it, jesus.
I mean, kenny's the one that does it all, But we were the masterminds of the whole thing.
I can't say i approve of this, my children.
Huh, why not? Because kenny is only doing things that anybody could do For money.
He's a prostitute.
I'll pay him 50 bucks to eat someone else's vomit.
Yeah, go for it! Yeah! What's a prostitute? I don't know.
Hello there, children.
Hey, chef! Hey, chef! Chef, what's a prostitute? Dag nabbit, children! How come every time you come in here You gotta be asking me questions i shouldn't be answering? "Chef, what's a clitoris? What's a lesbian, chef? How come they call it a 'rim job', chef?" For once, can't you just come in here and say, "Hi, chef, nice day, isn't it?" Hi, chef, nice day, isn't it? It sure is, thank you.
Chef, what's a prostitute? Unh-Uh, you children are gonna get me in trouble with the principal again.
Lunchtime, i'm starved! Oh my god! Eric? That's me.
Chef was just about to tell us what a prostitute is.
Why do you need to know what a prostitute is anyway? Because jesus told us that kenny's a prostitute, is he? Yeah, am i? Well, no, of course kenny is not a prostitute.
Why? Well, because, children, a prostitute is someone who You can pay for certain services.
Like what? Like keeping you company - Understand? No.
You see, children, sometimes a man needs to be with a woman, But sometimes, when the lovin' is over, The woman just want to talk and talk and talk and talk.
? But a prostitute is someone who would love you? ? No matter who you are or what you look like? Yes, it's true children.
? That's not why you pay a prostitute? ? No, you don't pay for her to stay? ? You're paying her to leave afterward? ? That's why i praise the lord for prostitute? Ladies and gentlemen, mr.
James taylor.
? A prostitute is like any other woman? ? They all trade something for sex? ? And they do it well? ? That's why i say prostitutes, prostitutes? They- Ohh! James taylor, what the hell you doing in here, Singing about prostitutes to the children? Get out of here! These children tricked me! Oh, there you are.
All right, i got the goods- Some candy bars, a few donuts and some beef gravy.
Is anyone starting to suspect anything? Nobody, your mom even thinks i'm a skinny you.
Awesome.
All right, throw it over.
I want a bigger cut.
What?! Risking my ass, Running around in that stupid town pretending to be you And collecting all the food to bring up here.
All you have to do is sit back and sell it to all the fat kids! All right, all right, keep your voice down! I'll bump you up to 10%.
Suck my balls, 20! Fine, then i shall bid you good day.
Wait, wait, wait- Fine, 20.
But just remember that your parents think you're at the drug rehab center next door.
You blow your cover and we're both screwed.
You guys, you have to check this tape out! Hey, we're trying to study, finals are tomorrow.
No, dude, check this out.
It's a video of this kid who does all kinds of crazy stuff.
Check it out! He jumped into a port-A-Potty at a construction site And stayed there for four days! Whoa! Eww! Oh, gross! Sick! That's awesome! Hey, guys, check this out! Get ready for the And now, here's your host, The kid who will do anything to himself for money Kraaaazy kenny! Kenny, through the past weeks, we've seen you eat mice, Pretend to kill newborn babies to shock their mothers And wash your hair with battery acid.
The question on all our minds is, What are you gonna do next? Oh, ho ho! You heard him, folks.
Kenny is going to give a sensual full-Body massage To his own grandfather.
Oh ho! Woo-Hoo! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Wow, this is kenny's best show ever! This is so juvenile.
Cartman, what the hell's the matter with you? Yeah, you've gotten lame since you got skinny, what's up? Nothing.
Hey, can i have some of that licorice to take home? All right, campers, good work today.
Lights out and we'll see you tomorrow for more exercise and proper diet.
All "beddy-Byes" for the night, are they? I don't know what we're doing wrong, susan, These kids aren't losing the weight.
We'll just have to give them more time.
They'll do it.
They'll do it! All right, they're gone.
The cartman store is open! Two donuts and a pack of licorice, please.
Two donuts and a pack of licorice.
Hello, tony, the usual? Why are you crying, chad? Because i'm always gonna be fat.
I don't wanna eat no sweets, but i can't control myself When they're right in front of me like this.
All my life i've been fat.
I've been to seven camps and i swore to my mama that i'd lose the weight.
I want to, but i can't help myself.
Hey, chad.
You know what you need.
You need a friend.
I do? Yes, a chocolate friend.
Mr.
Candy bar doesn't judge you, chad.
Mr.
Candy bar likes you just the way you are.
Look at how yummy and sweet he is.
There you go.
That'll just be four dollars.
There you go.
This week on pay-Per-View.
Krazy kenny will crawl up into a woman's uterus- And stay there for six hours.
Don't miss this once-In-A-Lifetime event.
Order now! All right, so we're back talking to three competing celebrities.
Tom green, johnny knoxville frommtv's"jackass" And krazy kenny.
Hey, howard.
Krazy kenny is here to promote his pay-Per-View special this week, Where he will crawl up into a bus driver's uterus And stay there for six hours.
Wow.
Now, some people think that all you guys do Is perform sick and disgusting acts for shock value and money, Which makes you whores.
But i'd like to prove them wrong.
So what i'm gonna do, Is i'm gonna offer each of you $50,000 To give me oral sex right now.
I'm in.
And me! Me too.
Oh! Fine, i'll do it for 40 then.
Ooh, the kid says he'll do it for 10 bucks.
Dammit, i'm out.
Me too.
I guess he is the biggest whore.
All right, let's get going then, can we cut the cameras? And we're gonna reach for the sky.
Ah! Ah! And down to the ground.
Ehh.
Ehh.
And up to the sky! Ah! Ah! And down to the ground.
Please, mr.
Sanders- No, i have had it.
What's happening? Horace's parents want to take him home.
Oh, but he's not ready yet.
Look at what you've done to my boy! You told horace that he was responsible for his weight.
You made him believe that with exercise and proper diet he could be thin.
When we told you that it was his genetics.
They can lose the weight if they try.
Look at these, kids, they're not getting any thinner! Your camp is a fraud.
You need to accept the fact that most fat people are just genetically fat.
Please, sir, if you give us one more week- Your time is up! Yeah, your time is up.
And i'm going to call all the other parents And tell them to come claim their kids as well.
Your camp was a waste of time! But dad, i- What? Nothin'.
We're in trouble, rick.
All right, miss crabtree, is it comfortable enough? How long have i gotta sit here? Six hours.
Hell, i'll do six hours for the 500 bucks you're paying me.
Great.
You guys, it's kenny! He's been arrested for prostitution in new york.
For what? For giving howard stern a hummer.
What's a hummer? I don't know! All i know is kenny's in jail for at least three months.
Three months, but the pay-Per-View is tomorrow.
I know! We've worked so hard, come so close.
Now we'll never see kenny crawl up into miss crabtree's uterus.
Y'know, maybe we've all learned something here.
I mean, we set kenny up to further and further himself each time, Having to always outdo himself.
Now he's in jail for being a whore.
And perhaps, just perhaps, we are to blame.
All right, that does it.
This has been bothering the hell out of me.
I knew it, you're not cartman at all! Uh-Oh.
Well, we've seen him do just about every disgusting thing in the book.
And today, live on pay-Per-View, Krazy kenny is going to crawl into a woman's uterus For six hours! Well, miss crabtree, your cervix has been dilated, Your womb equipped with oxygen- How do you feel? I feel great.
I haven't had this much attention paid to my cooch since i was 16! Hooray! Well, let's bring out the man of the hour.
You know him as the- Don't worry, dude, you're gonna do great.
No way, i'm not doing this.
Oh, you're doing it, Or else we're gonna bust your whole scheme wide open And tell your mom you haven't actually been at your drug rehab this whole time.
But this isn't fair! Deal, druggie.
And here he is, kenny mckormick! We can watch him on the video monitors.
How are you doing in there, kenny? That's my boy.
Good-Bye, chad.
We'll be wanting a refund, naturally.
Naturally.
Good-Bye, alice.
Good-Bye, thank you.
Oh, don't thank us.
We failed you.
65, 66, 67 Wait a second, this isn't right.
Hmm? It's time for me to be responsible for my own actions.
Mom, dad, we've been eating candy this whole time.
Eric cartman's been sneaking in junk food.
Eh, shut up, you hef, chad.
No, he's right.
The counselors been doing a good time, We've just been yeah! Cheating.
I believe i can lose the weight with exercise and proper diet.
I don't want to make excuses no more.
Me neither! Yeah! If you take us back, we promise we won't cheat.
Well, it's all right with me.
Parents? Well, what the heck.
Maybe when you're all done you can teach me a thing or two, huh, son? Y'know, you guys are right.
I'm sick of being the fat kid too.
I've been making excuses all my life, But i know deep down that if i took responsibility and really tried hard, If we all try together, we really can lose the weight! Oh no, not you, you're not welcome here anymore.
Yeah! Yeah! What? Buh-Bye.
Screw you, fat asses! He did it! Come on out, kenny.
You made it six hours, kenny, come on out of there.
Hmm, uh, miss crabtree, maybe you could give him a little push.
Nnnn gah.
Ohhh! He's dead, the pressure must have killed him.
I told you i was a tight virgin flower.
Oh my god, they killed kenny! Sort of.
Yeah, they kind of killed kenny's look-Alike.
You bastards! Well, he gave his life for our amusement.
One little boy who dared to be different.
Let us never forget, kenny mckormick.
Who's that? ? A prostitute is someone who will love you? ? No matter who you are or what you look like? Yes, it's true children.
? That's not why you pay a prostitute? ? No, you don't pay for her to stay? ? You're paying her to leave afterward? ? That's why i praise the lord for prostitute? comedy central Captioned by soundwriters™