Frasier s04e16 Episode Script

My 8-year-old son is visiting me this week, and he asked specifically if I could arrange a tour of the Microsoft complex.
I was wondering what your policy is on I'm sorry to hear that.
You know, I don't often trade on my celebrity status, but does the name Frasier Crane mean anything to you? I'm sorry to hear that.
Well, you know, it's entirely possible that one day a relative of yours may wish to tour my workplace It's a radio station.
Oh, forget it! - Even been close, that would be one thing.
- But I beat that tag by a mile.
A mile.
- Calm down, slugger.
It's all right.
- A mile! - I take it you lost the game.
No, we won the game, but Roz got kicked out for arguing with the ump.
She kicked dirt on his shoes, chest-butted him, almost took a bite out of his finger when he stuck it in her face.
You can't coach that kind of thing.
All right, there's a guy on second, one guy's out, I drive one to the gap.
The throw to the cut-off man is late, our guy's safe, I try to stretch it to a double.
I make a beautiful hook slide right under the tag.
How can I be out? I'm still trying to understand why you drove to the Gap during the game.
Look, I'm gonna go work on the line-up for Saturday's game.
- You know, I love being in charge.
- Oh, can I play second base? No.
Liz Budner's playing second.
Liz Budner? Why? What can she do that I can't? It's what she will do that you won't.
Oh, Roz.
Listen, didn't you used to date some executive at Microsoft? Scott Blankman.
Talk about your messy break-ups.
Even after I dumped the guy, he kept calling me.
At first, he'd make excuses: "Sorry, I hit the wrong button on my speed dial.
" Then he gave up the pretence and there'd be sobbing - on the other end of the line.
- Oh, God.
I finally said, "Scott, I never, ever want to talk to you again.
" - Why do you ask? - I'd like you give him a call.
- What? - Frederick's coming to visit this week.
The only thing he asked for was a tour of Microsoft.
I sort of already, well, promised that I could arrange it.
Frasier, you're asking me to call a man who camped outside my apartment building and held a big sign up that said: - "Roz Doyle is afraid to love.
" - Okay, I understand.
I just thought you'd be more sympathetic, that's all.
I can't.
I do recall a story you told me not long ago about a young girl living in Wisconsin, who wanted desperately for her mother to drive her to Chicago to see Bobby Sherman open a shopping mall.
But her mother was just too busy.
What did that girl do that night? She cried herself to sleep on her little Bobby Sherman pillow.
I hate you.
[DOORBELL CHIMES.]
FRASIER: Niles.
- Good morning.
Is Frederick up yet? He went out with his grandfather for an early morning walk.
I went through my old albums this morning and found photos of us when we were Frederick's age.
- Oh, Lord.
- Thought he might find them amusing.
Oh, here.
There we are, all dressed up, ready for our first Cub Scout hike.
And last.
Yes, well, we didn't exactly endear ourselves to the pack.
All the other kids had knapsacks, we showed up with those monogrammed train cases.
Niles, refresh my memory.
Why are we wearing plastic snouts and a tiny little wading pool around our waists? You've forgotten.
That Halloween we went as the Bay of Pigs.
FRASIER: Ah.
As I recall, nobody got it.
I finally had to take to telling that we were Swine Lake.
They didn't get that either.
- That was a long evening.
- Yeah.
So, what do you have in store for Frederick this visit? We're gonna go whale-watching, the planetarium, and Roz is helping me arrange a tour of Microsoft.
It's the one thing Freddie specifically requested.
Someone's running for Dad of the Year.
Yes, well, you know how it is.
I don't get to see him as often as I'd like.
Memories of this trip will have to last until the next one.
Can you blame me for wanting it to be perfect? - Hi, Dad.
FRASIER: Oh, hello, Freddie.
Dad, did Grandpa ever tell you the story how he captured four bank robbers with just a nightstick? No.
He did tell me how he captured two bank robbers with just a revolver, his partner and a SWAT team.
- They got there later.
FRASIER: Well - Hello, Uncle Niles.
NILES: Hello, Frederick.
My, aren't you getting big.
I'm the same exact size I was the last time you saw me.
Well, your mother's cooking will do that for a growing boy.
- Are we going to Microsoft today? - Well, Freddie, I thought we'd go by the radio station.
I could show you where I work.
- That'll be fun, won't it? - Yes.
- When are we going to Microsoft? - Well, Saturday.
FREDERICK: Excellent.
- Hey, good morning, Dr Crane.
- Good morning, Daphne.
- Hi, Daphne.
- Hello, Frederick.
Tell your dad what you saw in the park with Eddie.
Hi, Daphne.
- Frederick's my boyfriend.
- Oh, really.
I got a present for you.
Wait here.
That's so cute.
He's got a crush on you.
Yes, he spent the entire evening sitting on Daphne's lap, watching TV.
Really.
And this morning I heard this soft little knocking at my door, and it was Frederick, asking if he could climb into bed with me.
Really.
- It's for you.
DAPHNE: Oh, well, isn't this lovely.
Look, here's Frederick.
And here I am.
- And what are we doing? - Getting married.
Really.
DAPHNE: Come on, Frederick, let's go hang this on the fridge.
FREDERICK: Okay.
Do you think it's healthy for a little boy to be so obsessed with a woman he can't possibly have? Niles, have you actually sunk so low as to be jealous of him? No, I'm not jealous.
I'm just a bit Well, maybe envious.
That's ridiculous.
What have you got to be envious of? DAPHNE: Hold on! FREDERICK: Wee! Wee! And this is the booth where it all happens.
- Very impressive.
- Well This is the talkback button here, if I want to talk to Roz, the cough button if I want to mute the mike.
This button here is very special.
It sends a death ray shooting from the phone of any caller who annoys me.
You wish.
Yes, I do.
Well, okay, Roz, what have we done to ourselves today? Well, we went out last night to celebrate our big win.
- Ah.
ROZ: Had a few margaritas.
Someone started a conga line.
I wasn't gonna get in it.
I think Gary, our shortstop, got on the end of the line.
That man has a butt that makes you wanna reach out with both hands and give Freddie a great big Seattle hug.
- Good save, Roz.
ROZ: Thank you.
- I don't believe you've met Bulldog.
- Hey, kid.
- Why are you called Bulldog? - People just always call me that.
But why? - I don't know.
- Well, all right, Bulldog.
- Roz and I have a show to prepare for.
- No, no.
Wait a minute.
This is important.
Why do people call me Bulldog? There has to be a reason.
[BULLDOG BARKS.]
This is gonna drive me nuts.
Who's subbing for me in Saturday's game? We gotta have a ninth body out there or we forfeit.
- Oh, right.
How about Mindy Guthrie? - Eight months pregnant.
July, August, September, October, November, December Anyway, you better find somebody.
And speaking of bad news, Frasier, I finally got a call from Scott Blankman Roz Frederick, talk with Bulldog for a minute.
- I have to discuss something with Roz.
FREDERICK: Okay.
Oh, yeah, no problem.
Oh, hey.
In a little while I'm gonna bring in my cart.
- You can hit the gong.
- Why? It's loud.
I make a lot of loud noises in my show.
- Why? - I don't know.
Boy, I'm starting to get a headache.
If you need a softball player, why don't you use my dad.
Oh, yeah, right.
Isn't he good? Oh, yeah.
Yeah, he's great.
He is the best, you know.
I wish he could play, but I think your dad's busy Saturday.
- He's taking me to Microsoft.
- Yeah, right.
Man, I wish he could play, because if he were playing, we'd win for sure.
I'm sorry, Frasier.
That's all I can do.
Scott quit Microsoft right after we broke up.
Well, I don't look forward to telling Frederick.
He'll be so disappointed.
Well, you know, if he wants a tour of a seminary, I've got an in there now.
I don't know.
I give up.
Abraham Lincoln.
What school did you go to? Frederick FREDERICK: Dad, I don't wanna go to Microsoft anymore.
- You don't? - Oh, hey.
Yes, he does.
Wait a minute.
What kind of boy wouldn't wanna spend a day at Microsoft? Stay out of this.
Now, listen.
Frederick, you know, this is your vacation.
You are the boss.
Whatever you say goes.
Great.
I wanna see you play in the softball game.
- What? - You could take Roz's place.
Well, you know, as much as I'd love to play softball, I really don't think that Bulldog wants me to.
Yes, he does.
He said you were the best.
Right? That's what I said.
- Well, thank you, Bulldog.
- So you'll play? - Well, I don't see how I can refuse.
- Great.
I can't wait to tell Daphne.
Yes, well, speaking of Daphne, while you're waiting for Daphne, why don't you go on out, get yourself a candy bar out of the machine.
Mother says candy rots tooth enamel.
Yes, well, chew on the side of your mouth.
Rot your baby teeth.
What do you think you're doing, telling him I'm a good softball player? Trying to be nice.
You want me to tell him you're a big lame-o? - No, I don't.
- Hey, look, I know how tough it is when you're a kid and you find out your dad's not as great as you thought.
Look, I was about Frederick's age when Well, I came home.
My mom was out and I caught my dad with another woman.
- Oh, Bulldog, I'm sorry.
- No, no.
No, wait.
You haven't heard the bad part yet.
She was ugly, doc.
I mean, coyote ugly.
My own dad.
And the best excuse he could come up with was: "Hey, you don't look at the mantel when you're poking the fire.
" Hey! I just got that.
I just keep thinking back to that time when Dad made us try Little League.
I'll never forget the humiliation of getting up to bat for the first time in my life, hearing the other team all cry out: "Move in, everybody.
Crane's up.
" But they moved back out again after you took your first swing.
Only because the bat flew out of my hands.
You worry too much.
Your co-workers aren't expecting you to play brilliantly.
No, I can live with playing badly in front of my co-workers.
It's Frederick I'm worried about.
He's still at that age where he thinks his father can do anything.
Every child, at some point, must discover - that his father is not a superhero.
- I know.
It's a healthy part of the developmental process.
I know someday he's gonna have to learn that I'm not perfect.
It's just I was hoping it might be something less humiliating, like seeing me fast-dance at a family wedding.
- You consider that less humiliating? - Well Hello.
Look who's here.
You two have fun while I was at work? - Yes.
- Oh, yes.
We went to the amusement park.
We had a lovely time.
Only, I think the Ferris wheel scared him a bit.
He spent the whole ride hugging me for dear life.
Really.
Her hair smells like strawberry.
It smells like peach blossoms, lavender and vanilla.
From over here, at least.
Uncle Niles, are you coming to watch my dad play in the softball game? - He's the best one on the team.
- Well, of course I am, Freddie.
I'll be there sitting right between you and Daphne.
Well, come on, Frederick.
Let's go get some hot chocolate.
FREDERICK: Okay.
- So you see the problem.
- I certainly do.
No, that's your problem.
My problem is that I promised Frederick I would play on Saturday.
Guess I'm left with only one choice.
- You're gonna fake an injury? - No, course not.
- I've got to learn how to play softball.
- In two days? Well, back in college, when Stu Oberfeld got sick, I learned the role of Mercutio in a day and a half.
I was brilliant.
In the duelling scene, the audience was on the edge of their seats.
Yes, and they were under them when the sword flew out of your hands.
FRASIER: Gee, Dad, I wanna thank you for helping me out with this.
MARTIN: Don't mention it.
We're gonna whip you right into shape.
It must have been disappointing I never took any interest in this sort of thing as a kid.
MARTIN: Well, I understood.
Guess it's a little complex I must have developed when I was growing up.
The doorbell would ring, I'd run to answer it, and then there'd be the neighbourhood kids with their baseball gloves and their bats, looking for somebody else to join their game.
They'd say, "Hey, can your dad come out and play?" Well, never mind that.
You know, it's kind of fun to finally be out here.
At the risk of sounding like Stanley cornering Blanche DuBois in Streetcar, we've had this date with each other from the very beginning.
I knew you'd ruin it.
All right, come on.
Put your helmet on.
FRASIER: Gee, it's kind of tight.
- Well, it's supposed to.
It stops you from getting hurt.
MARTIN: Okay? Here, all right.
There you go.
Now take your bat, get into the stance, just like I told you.
I'm gonna turn the machine on.
The good thing about these balls is that they're all at the same level, so you can work on your form and your timing.
All right? Okay, now, here we go.
Ah! What is that? A pitching machine or a particle accelerator? All right, all right.
I'll crank it down to a lower setting.
Okay, now, just remember, left elbow in, right elbow up, knees bent.
All the weight on the balls of your feet, okay? Now, just step into the pitch.
Oh, yeah, and swing the bat.
Dad, can't you just slow it down a little bit? All right, but if any of the other fathers come back here, I'm taking it off the peewee setting.
Okay.
All right.
Now, from the hips.
Nice and easy.
Don't try to kill it.
Just try to make contact.
Okay, you ready? Ready.
What are you looking at? Dad, they're looking at me.
Get out of here.
Go on.
Buzz off! FRASIER: Did you hear that? Hear that? I touched it that time.
I did.
No, it didn't.
That was my knee cracking.
You're doing a lot better, though.
Six in a row without hitting yourself in the kidney on your follow-through.
FRASIER: Who am I kidding? This is hopeless.
Oh, well.
Well, why don't we just try changing bats.
I couldn't hit it if I had a sofa cushion.
All right, so softball's not your game.
It's no big deal.
MARTIN: Freddie will understand that.
FRASIER: I suppose in time he will.
It's just that Ow, ow, ow, ow.
No boy ever forgets the first time he learns that his dad isn't perfect.
It's not what I wanted him to take away with him on this trip.
- Anyway, thanks for your help.
- Oh, don't mention it.
So, Frasier what was it for you? - Huh? Well, you know, I mean, when you first found out that I was less than perfect.
I don't know.
Well, I thought you said a kid never forgets the first time.
- Maybe it was no one time.
- Oh, so it was a lot of times? No.
I'm not very comfortable talking about it Well, why? You're not gonna hurt my feelings.
I'm just curious.
All right, all right.
Back in third grade.
You took me and some of the boys from the math club out for pizza.
When the check came you couldn't figure out the tip in your head.
I can't do math in my head? - That's your big disappointment? - Well, it was at the time.
Well, I wonder if I can calculate in my head how many hits you got today.
Let me think.
Oh, zero! Fine! Fine, Dad, get defensive.
I was 8 years old.
Eight.
That's the one shaped like the snowman, right? I'm sorry I even brought it up.
God.
Guess I'm gonna have to bite the bullet, sit Frederick down on Saturday before the game and tell him the truth.
Not a conversation I'm looking forward to, but I should prepare him for the fact his daddy's not gonna be hitting any grand slams on Saturday.
Or am I? Wait.
- A grand slam is? - You aren't.
Well, anyway, I suppose that one consolation is, you know, as disappointed as I was with you after the pizza incident, yet here we are, all these years later, out in a batting cage.
Yeah, that's right.
Come on, I'll get us a couple of beers.
FRASIER: Thanks, Dad.
- Okay.
And how many of these shiny things? FRASIER: Oh, shut up.
[DOORBELL CHIMES.]
- Hello, Niles.
- You look like an authentic jock.
I'm half tempted to hand over my lunch money.
Is that your idea of appropriate baseball-watching attire? Obviously you failed to detect the subtle diamond pattern in my tie.
Oh.
So how did your little talk go with Frederick? Well, I haven't been able to bring myself to do it yet.
As a father, you go to any lengths to avoid looking foolish before your son.
Look what Mrs Thorgeson was throwing out.
Boy, the guys at McGinty's are gonna love this.
Well, anyhow What have I told you about running in the house? You told me to never run in the house.
Good, and what about splitting infinitives? Frasier, let the boy be a boy.
Don't run away.
I saw you.
Your son just walked right in on me in the shower.
- Frederick.
- Dad, all I really saw was I am very disappointed in you, young man.
Let the boy finish.
All I really saw was a lot of steam.
I'm sorry, Daphne.
I didn't know you were in the shower.
- Now you hate me.
- I don't hate you.
You just have to promise to knock before you enter a room, okay? - Sorry, Dad.
- That's okay, son.
So when are we going to the game? In a bit.
First we have to have a little conversation, the two of us.
Uncle Niles, could you give us a moment alone? Oh, of course.
I'll freshen up for the game.
[NILES CLEARING THROAT.]
You can fool them, but you can't fool me.
I'm onto you, little man.
Come on, Freddie.
Come and have a seat here.
Okay.
You're gonna see me play some softball today.
And I'm not gonna play very well.
- See, I'm not a good softball player.
- But Bulldog said you were the best.
Yes, I know.
Well, he was just lying in order to be nice.
The truth is I stink.
I can't catch, I can't throw, I can't hit.
Oh.
So it must be pretty disappointing to hear for the first time - that your dad is not perfect, huh? - It's not the first time.
You couldn't fix my computer.
You thought Venus was the North Star.
And I've seen you run.
Well, why didn't you mention any of these things to me before? I thought it might hurt your self-esteem.
Actually, Frederick, I'm really okay with those things.
I am.
I want you to know that it's okay for you to feel bad about them.
See, when I was about your age, I felt real bad about learning that your grandpa can't do math in his head.
I learned later, of course, that that wasn't very important, because he can do so many other things so well.
- Grandpa can't do math in his head? FRASIER: Yes, well, see - That's not the issue.
- Why did you go and tell him that for? - Well, I was illustrating a point.
- You mean, you can't do it at all? - Well, yeah, sure I can, Freddie.
- I knew you could.
What's seven times 15? You can do it, Grandpa.
- 115? FREDERICK: Oh, Grandpa.
- Well, thanks a lot, Frasier.
- Well, I tried, for God's sake.
DAPHNE: Ready for the game? - Yeah.
You don't sound too excited.
I just found out Dad's bad at softball and Grandpa can't do math in his head.
Those things aren't important.
What can I do to make you feel better? - Maybe a hug? - Oh, come here.
Oh.
There you go.