Home Improvement s04e16 Episode Script

OK.
OK.
The show is over, and it's still smoking.
I did this for a reason, Al.
That would be? Now the crowd knows exactly what happens when you overcharge a battery.
It swells up and does this.
Hey, guys.
You seen this month's Detroit Life? Not yet.
Guess who's one of the sexiest ten bachelors in the city.
Someone we know? Someone who works on the show.
I bet it's Marv.
I've always found Marv attractive.
Marv's OK, but he's no Vic.
It's not Marv or Vic.
It's Al.
Who? What? Congratulations, Al.
Thank you.
I must say I'm I'm very flattered.
I must say I'm very frightened.
Listen to this.
"What woman wouldn't wanna cuddle up with Detroit's rugged Mr.
Fix-It, Al Borland?" "Along with his trademark humility, "Al displays a quiet competence and an understated sense of humor.
" So understated, no one gets it.
Obviously someone did.
Huh? "His big, beaming smile matches his big, beaming behind.
" It doesn't say that! Well, it should.
Well, wait a minute.
You're in here.
What's it say? "As usual, the Borland charm is a much-needed antidote to the overblown macho displays of the accident-prone host Tim Taylor.
" (mock laughter) Accident-prone.
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! All right, give me another problem.
OK.
"Bill's car goes "Mary's car goes How long will it take for each of them to go 120 miles?" All right.
What size motors do they have? What? Well, is it automatic or manual transmission? That's gotta make a difference.
Dad.
The answer is Bill, three hours, Mary, two.
Thanks.
I shouldn't be helping you with your math homework anyway.
You're not.
All right, what's your English assignment? Well, I have to do a report on the most interesting person I know.
(sighs) I was born in middle Michigan.
It was an autumn birth.
A breech baby.
It was a really difficult birth Dad.
Dad, I'm not sure you're the most interesting person I know.
I'm not sure he's the most interesting person in this room.
Maybe I'll do Wilson.
Wilson? Wilson? What interesting thing is he gonna tell you? Well, how about his dinner with Einstein? Wow! He had dinner with Einstein? Really overrated guy.
If he knew so much about gravity, how come his hair stood up like that? You should write the story about me.
I think I'll stick with Wilson.
Hi, guys.
Hi, Mom.
Hi, honey.
Hey, Brad.
Who's the most interesting man that you know? Wilson.
Did you see this magazine? Al was voted one of the ten sexiest bachelors in Detroit.
Yeah, I saw it.
Where is it? There.
Which explains why all the single women I saw were heading towards Cleveland.
I can see how some women would find Al sexy.
I guess if you never saw another man before.
You just don't get it.
Sexiness is something that comes from the inside.
It's something that you exude.
Well, it's my opinion that anything Al exudes should stay on the inside.
Does everybody know what time it is? Tool Time! That's right.
Binford Tools is proud to present Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.
Whoo-hoo! Thank you, everybody, and welcome to Tool Time.
I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor, and you all know my assistant Al "I Wish I" (cheering) Well, I guess we all read the article, didn't we? I love you, Al.
Thank you.
It's gosh darn nice to have all you ladies in the audience with us today.
You'll enjoy the show, 'cause we're gonna talk about French doors today.
We wanna talk about Al.
Yeah.
Well, actually, Al and French doors share something in common.
They're both things I like to slam.
The important thing to remember about putting in doors is you want to secure 'em, straighten 'em up, plumb 'em and make sure that they're in there straight.
Could you move so we could get a better view of Al? Is this better? Well, now I can't see.
Ladies, this is a tool show, OK? All right? We're gonna use shims here, as he hammers 'em in to make sure the Excuse me.
Could I ask a question? Oh, gosh darn it, why not? Has Al ever been married? If we're gonna ask questions, they should be about French doors.
Would Al be more likely to marry someone who had French doors? Actually, I'm partial to women with all sorts of doors.
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Dutch doors, sliding glass doors Keep going.
Any other kind of doors? No.
All right - What kind of windows does Al like in a woman? Actually, I'm partial to bay or louvered.
Or broken.
And I would like to thank Jill for introducing me to Ilene.
And, Ilene, here's to another great 15 months.
It's been the happiest That is so romantic.
Sure is.
I want pork.
Hi.
I'm Shelly, and I'll be your waitress this evening.
I'm single, I want a relationship and I like long walks on the beach.
I'm starving, I want pork and I'd like a glass of water.
We have some lovely appetizers this evening.
May I recommend the raw oysters? Are they fresh? I shucked them myself.
Sounds great.
I'll have that.
I'll have the - Shelly, we're hungry, too.
She just took one of her long walks.
(laughs) (women imitate Shelly) "I shucked them myself.
" (Tim laughs) Everywhere we go, the women have been flocking to his flannel.
They haven't.
Really? And there's nothing worse in this world than a flagrant flannel flocker.
Excuse me.
I don't mean to interrupt, but, Mr.
Borland, I just have to tell you you're even more handsome than you were in the magazine.
Can I have your autograph? Please, call me Al.
I'm such a fan of your show.
Well, that's very gratifying to hear.
Tim and I always try to do our best.
Who's Tim? Oh.
Bye.
Bye.
Uh, excuse me, miss.
You forgot something.
She didn't forget anything, Al.
She just gave you her phone number.
Can you believe that woman? I mean, she could see that you were with him.
She's going for Al.
Maybe she can't see.
Anyway, Ilene, tell us what's going on in the fast-paced world of orthodontia.
Oh, it's very exciting.
I just got back from a symposium on overbites, and the most interesting thing happened.
What are you doing, Al? Waving.
I'm in the middle of a story.
Well, I was just being polite.
I feel I have a responsibility to my public.
Your public? A few days ago you didn't have a public.
Well, yes, I did.
They just didn't know who I was.
You know, the way you're acting I'm not sure I know who you are.
Well, I'm still the same old Al Borland.
Hey.
Excuse me.
I'm going to the ladies' room.
Ilene, I I didn't I think, um, I'll go with you.
I'm right behind you, girls.
I suppose I can hold it.
What is Ilene so upset about? Let me give you a little piece of advice.
When you're out with Ilene, next time you wave at a strange woman, you'd better be riding in a float in a parade.
Well, it's not my fault that that all these women are paying attention to me.
Oh, yeah, you're a real babe magnet right now.
I wouldn't go that far.
Hello.
Hello, I'm Al Magnet.
I-I mean, Al Al Borland, and it's very nice to meet you.
Christine Dempsey.
Christine.
Sorry to bother you, but, um, I've broken my heel, and I read about how good you are with your hands.
You know, I have a tool kit for just such an emergency.
He also has an emergency inflatable raft in case the kitchen floods.
Ha-ha! You know, the kitchen kitchen? Oh, boy.
You have a very lovely foot.
A very lovely knee.
And a heck of a thigh.
I wouldn't go any higher, Al.
Your hands are so warm.
Well, I've always had very good circulation.
You're about ready to be put out of circulation, Al.
Al! I-I'm sorry, um Uh, Christine.
Um Ilene, Christine.
Christine, Ilene.
Ilene is my friend.
Your friend? I'm your friend? My good friend.
Girlfriend.
Girlfriend.
That's the word I was - I was looking for.
Al, what is happening to you? You were flirting with all these other women.
It's like I don't even exist.
Ilene, that's not true! It's Oh Excuse me, please.
(sexy voice) Hi, Al.
Sir? Need more butter.
Well I think that they're talking out there.
I cannot believe that he acted that way.
He was flirting with every woman in this place.
Those women were coming on to him.
He's like a completely different person.
Which is good.
Usually on Saturday night, he's out clog dancing with his mother.
He's starting to act like a normal guy.
You think it's normal to ignore a woman on your 15-month anniversary? I don't think it's normal to celebrate a 15-month anniversary.
Give the guy a break.
He's just living out every guy's fantasy.
Excuse me? Every guy's fantasy? Every guy's fanta Single guys.
You know, married guys don't have fantasies.
They're taken away from them.
It's a good thing, 'cause then you get to, you know, give all your attention to your wife, you know, year after year.
You know, month in, month out, day after day until you're dead.
You've just swept me off my feet all over again.
Where's Al? He left.
Ohh! Wait.
Shelly, we could use the - You're killing your tip, Shel.
If you're not gonna finish any of that, you know Tim! Sorry.
Well, Ilene just refused to talk to me.
She got in the cab and left.
Well, I don't blame her.
Now, get in your car and go after her.
I'm not sure I wanna do that.
I wouldn't, either.
You didn't do anything wrong.
No, I didn't.
That's not what you think, is it, Tim? It's not? No.
What do you think? I don't know.
Ask her.
He thinks that ever since you read that magazine article that you've lost that - that teddy-bear quality we all love.
He still has that.
Every girl in Detroit wants to squeeze the stuffing out of him.
That's right.
Everywhere Tim, I think that you should tell him if he keeps behaving like this, he's going to lose Ilene, and she is the best thing that ever happened to him.
She is the only thing that ever happened to him.
Well, that's not true.
Would you please be serious and just talk some sense into him? You want me to tell him that being wanted by every girl in Detroit is a bad thing? Yes.
And do that with a straight face? Yes.
Al I can't say that.
I can't do it.
You're just gonna sit there and not say anything? I'll say something.
Al, call the waitress.
Tell her we want pork.
( long low note) What are you doing, Wilson? Randy, I'm making an alpenhorn.
You see, in Switzerland they use these to herd sheep.
Are you getting a sheep? Actually, I'm making it to play in the local alpenhorn quintet, and you boys are welcome to come out this Saturday, be my guests at the annual horn and yodel fest.
Sounds like a rockin' good time, Wilson, but I'm already going to that clarinet and noodle fest.
Hey, Wilson, can I talk to you? Well, yes.
I'm all ears, Mark.
I have this report due on the most interesting person I know, and I picked you.
Why, Mark, I am so flattered.
Did you really know Einstein? Oh, I not only knew him, I had dinner with the great scientist.
Wow.
Oh, yes, indeed.
It was over appetizers that he regaled me with his theory of relativity, and then when the main course came, he spoke of other great theories.
Mark, are you familiar with photons? Sure.
I slept on one at my friend Jimmy's house.
No, Mark, I think you're speaking of futons.
See, according to Einstein, light consists of energy packets called quanta, which later became known as photons.
Well, that's great, Wilson, but can you tell me something about him that's interesting? You know, Mark, I'm thinking physics may not be your cup of tea.
Mark, what are you interested in? Oh, lots of things - cars, tools, sports.
Hey, guys.
You know, Mark, I may not be the person you want to speak to about this.
Gotcha, Wilson.
Hey, Dad.
What, son? Have you ever had dinner with any interesting people? Oh, you bet.
Felix Myman, the great plumber.
You see, Mark, see, that's a lot more interesting than Einstein and his theory of relativity.
Right.
Felix had a theory called "clogativity.
" It has to do with toilet paper and toilets.
Cool! It's a smelly theory, but it's really kinda neat, you know? He came up with this thing - with enough air pressure, you can shatter porcelain with one blast.
Tim.
Where have you been? You gotta hear what happened to me when I got home from the restaurant last night.
Al, you're an hour late.
Well, I had a lot of calls to return from my admirers.
It's a good thing I got this cellular phone.
Cellular phone, Al? That's right.
Oh, and listen, if anybody asks, here's my number.
OK, I'll drop it off at the pound.
(laughs) Good one.
So, anyway, when I get home, in the parking garage, two women are waiting for me.
Twins.
Maybe they needed a place to park, Al.
Well, they wanted to park Al, all right.
Those women really wanted to get their hands on "Detroit's rugged Mr.
Fix-It," and who could blame them? Can you hand me that sledgehammer for a minute? Why? See if I can pound your head back to the normal size.
I'm telling you, these women really wanted to get ahold of me.
And a part of me wanted to get ahold of them.
Borland.
Well, what would you do if you were single and all these women were paying attention to you? Oh, I'll tell you what I'd do.
Uh-huh.
Twins? (laughs) That's right.
It's becoming clear that it's a really - it's a big world out there, and I shouldn't limit myself to just Ilene.
Boy, I hate to admit it, but I think Jill's right.
About what? Remember before Ilene came along, your black book consisted of one phone number - your mom's? Well, that's all changed now.
Why is it all changed now? Because of one stupid magazine article? No.
Did you really read it? Did you notice they put one zero extra on your salary? They d Oh, you carry it around with you? Oh, man.
So this is why everybody was paying attention to me? No, that's not the only reason.
Yes.
Yes, it is.
No, it's not.
They picked you as most eligible bachelor because of a lot of other reasons.
That's just a typo.
I mean, you are a good hard-working guy.
You're ha-handsome in a way, you know.
Hey, if I were a woman, I Tim Yeah, you're right.
The point is there's a woman that's always found you sexy, and she didn't have to read it in a magazine.
Yeah.
And Ilene was the first one to recognize my understated sense of humor.
Bingo.
Tim, do you mind setting up by yourself? Al, I am setting up by myself.
I gotta talk to Ilene.
I I've really made a mistake.
Did you get any pictures of those twins? Hi.
Is Ilene here? She's tightening some braces.
I'll wait.
See you next week, Tiffany.
Bye-bye.
Al! Hi.
What are you doing here? I came to apologize for last night.
You're my girlfriend, and I never wanted to do anything to make you upset.
Come on, Tiffany.
I know that I've really been full of myself lately.
Yes, you have.
And it's just that nothing like this has even remotely ever happened to me before.
I I mean, it's I've never been popular like this, and I just didn't know how to handle it.
So what are you saying, Al? Well, I'm saying that Detroit's sexiest bachelor would really like to be with Detroit's sexiest orthodontist.
Oh, Al.
(ringing) He's unavailable.
Oh, hi, Tim.
Hold on.
It's for you.
I told you never to call me here.
I always wanted to say that.
(Tim whistles) Al.
Al? Could we? Al.
Al.
I'll be right there.
Al! Al.
Tim needs me.
(mouths) The teacher gave me a tough one today.
It's about money.
Hmm.
What's the problem? All right, "Sam has $8, Billy has nothing.
" Wait, wait, wait.
Should use real money.
Eight bucks? Yeah.
All right, go ahead.
All right.
I'll be Sam.
You be Billy.
"Sam gives Billy That's $4.
Thanks, Sam.
All right.
"Now Billy gives Sam That's 2 out of the 4.
OK.
1, 2.
That's pretty simple.
OK.
All right.
"Now, if Sam gives Billy All right.
how much does Sam have?" Nothing.
Exactly.
Thanks, Sam.
Sam wasn't a real bright guy, was he? I'm partial to women with all kinds of doors.
Dutch doors, sliding glass doors Well, I think we've Garage doors.
Back doors.
Garage doors.
Back doors.
Well, let's finish up Side doors Side doors.
That's good.
Well, actually I like bay or louvered.