Roseanne s04e16 Episode Script

Miss! In a minute.
In a minute! Can I at least get a menu here? No.
I wouldn't want to get your hopes up.
Just put it on a plate.
I'll pick the hairs out of it.
Oh, god.
You looked swamped.
I'm sorry I'm late.
Don't apologize to me.
Apologize to the people I took it out on.
Let me get my coat off.
Walter, what's it going to be? It's unbelievable, Roseanne! I just saw the television set That lets you watch two channels at once.
You can watch what you're watching and what you're missing at the same time, But you're missing life, because-- You're getting soup.
O.
k.
I hate it when his mommy don't pack his lunch.
Oh! Damn it! What? I threw out my back again.
Oh, man.
This is just getting ridiculous.
How am I supposed to work when this happens all the time? Let me just sit down.
Miss! You sit right here.
I'll get that.
Miss, you got any steak sauce? Yeah.
It's on the other side of the counter there.
Do you mind getting it yourself? I can't bend over too good.
O.
k.
Yeah, I've seen a couple of doctors.
They've described these pills, Yeah.
Do you mind getting it yourself, because I can't really reach up too good? Cut yourself a great big slab.
[Bell rings.]
Walter, your soup's up.
Got it.
Walter, honey, will you take those fries and drop them off to this guy in the red? Thanks a lot.
You want some more coffee? Do you mind, since you're up, pouring her another cup? Well, the pot's almost empty.
Oh, well, there's some filters right on the shelf there.
Roseanne, what are you doing? It's taken me a while, but I do believe I'm finally getting the hang of this job.
Have a seat, Mrs.
Conner, The doctor will be here in a minute.
So, what did he say? "Put your clothes on.
I'm done.
" You know, like any man.
Oh! No.
Dr.
Dixon will be able to help you.
Why? He's the best.
He helped me so much When I hurt my back on the force.
You have a crush on him.
I do not.
I hope he can do something.
I can't lay in bed when this happens anymore.
I thought the girls were taking care of you.
No.
They're sick of me.
The next time I ask for a pillow they're going to brick up my bedroom.
Sorry to keep you waiting, Mrs.
.
Conner.
Jackie! Hi, Dr.
Dixon! How's the back? Oh, it's o.
k.
It acts up every once in a while.
Since when? Since Shut up.
Maybe you should make an appointment.
Thanks.
That would be fun.
Now, Mrs.
.
Conner, your x-rays show No spinal damage or abnormality.
Which means it's a muscular problem.
I should try diet and exercise, maybe even hot baths.
You'll prescribe these little blue pills that don't do anything.
Guess that just leaves the small matter of my fee.
So you can't do anything either? A surgical procedure would give you some relief.
No, thanks.
You haven't heard what it is yet.
I'm talking about a breast reduction.
Oh, yikes.
Are you sure you're not reading The wrong side of the x-rays? You have bra strap pain.
Most of your problems are in the upper back and shoulders.
Your back continually compensates for your front, which is Huge.
Sorry.
If you reduce the weight of your breasts, your posture will be better.
That will lessen lower back pain.
Do people really do this? Yeah, it's fairly common.
The risk is minimal.
Well, what happens? I brought a brochure to show you.
See, the surgeon makes an incision underneath the breast, around the nipple, And in a vertical line between the two.
The excess breast tissue is then removed, and the nipple is then grafted back onto the breast in a higher position.
What sick nazi man came up with this idea? It sounds worse than it is.
Maybe it's something that should think about.
It's crazy! Well, you've tried everything else.
Well, how much do they take off? Just enough so you wouldn't need to see me anymore.
What am I going to look like? What if he goes crazy? I don't want to end up looking like, you know.
Hey, hey! I didn't mean that.
I just meant these have been a big part of what I am my whole life.
We're talking about changing that.
Maybe you'll feel better.
I think it's just a moot point anyway.
It's not like I could ever afford it.
How much does that cost? Around $6,000.
Each? No.
No, no.
Since you've had chronic problems, insurance would probably cover about 80% of it.
Look, obviously you've got a lot of thinking to do, and, if you want, I can recommend a wonderful specialist.
Or you might want a second opinion.
Don't worry.
I'm sure I will when I get home.
Only one night in the hospital.
That's a pro.
It's the hospital.
Con.
An art linkletter bed, color TV, room service.
Pro.
But the food will suck.
Con.
It sucks here.
You'll be away from the kids.
Yeah, but they'll want to visit.
But you'll be drugged up, so call them names and fall back asleep.
Yeah.
Huge pro.
What about Dan, though? Dan wants you to feel better.
I don't even know how to tell him about this.
Well, I'll think of some-- Con, con, con.
Fine.
I'll pretend like nothing happened.
Nothing did happen.
I haven't made up my mind.
Mark, the car never made this noise before.
It's like a rattling noise.
No, my father already fixed it.
That's why I can't get it out of the driveway.
Car doesn't have to run for you to live in it.
Hey.
How come you're just sitting there? Waiting for dinner.
Did it ever occur to you to get off your butt and heat something up? Oh, no.
It was way too early to panic.
Well, where's D.
J.
? He got hungry and went over to Todd's.
God, if I didn't come home, you all would starve to death.
Will you hem my new jeans? Yes, but can I please make dinner for you first? Please? If you're making meatloaf, I'm just having salad.
Does anybody care this woman was at the doctor and has something important to discuss with you all? Thank you, Jackie.
It would've been stupid to wait for the right time.
What did he tell you? It's kind of funny, actually.
I went there to talk about my back.
All he just kept talking about was my boobs.
Do you want me to beat him up? No.
He said I should maybe think about getting a breast reduction.
What? He said it would maybe help my back if I got my boobs shortened up.
Are you going to do it? I haven't made up my mind yet.
The doctor says her back keeps going out because of all the weight up front.
How long would you be in the hospital? She'd go in the night before.
It would take a couple of weeks to get better, so you'd have to help out with the cooking and housecleaning.
After that she'll go back to doing all the chores, and you'd be off the hook.
Make that the last thing you say.
O.
k.
, o.
k.
If it'll stop the back pain, you should have the operation.
You'll feel better.
You'll look great.
You can buy all new clothes.
Is everything a trip to the mall for you, Becky? Shut up.
It'll be good for her.
I guess it's something she's always wanted.
What are you talking about? You know you always wanted perky ones.
You try walking around with your shoulders hunched over and your back up in knots.
Then we'll talk about why I'm really doing this.
So you are doing it? Well Come on, girls.
Let's get a pizza.
Come on, Darlene.
Why are we leaving? This affects all of us.
Ever since you went on solid foods, they ceased to be any concern of yours.
Come on, Darlene.
Let's go.
I'm going to make a sandwich.
Want one? No, I want you to talk to me about this.
It's your decision, honey.
I know.
Tell me how you feel.
I don't know how I feel.
I'm sitting, waiting for dinner, and you say you're getting your breasts reduced.
How am I suppose to feel? I mean, is this the only way? Have you tried everything else? It's got to be surgery? What's bothering you about the surgery? You afraid of how I'll look? Oh, no, no.
You afraid of the money, 'cause insur-- No, it's not the money.
Well, then what is it? What was the first one again? I was worried about I'd look, but then I saw these pictures of how you look after, I would just look normal.
I don't want you looking normal.
I like you the way you are.
I should've said it was the money.
No, I asked how you felt.
You told me.
Am I the big pig now 'cause that bothers me? No.
It bothered me, too.
You really think this will make you feel better? Yeah, I really think I do.
I'll have to deal with it.
Yeah, you know, I'm not going to change or anything.
I'll still be the same woman you married.
I'll just be in less pain, so I won't be grumpy and whiny all the time.
O.
k.
, so I won't exactly be the same woman you married.
Come on in, Rose.
Is anybody in there hooked up to tubes or machines or hoses? No.
Oh, good, 'cause I don't care for that.
Hey, this ain't bad.
I don't know.
Hospital rooms give me the creeps.
Every time we check out of one we got a new kid.
Whoa, whoa, what's that smell? My nose is burning.
[Sniff.]
Oh, that's the clean, Dan.
No kidding.
Yeah.
Don't go getting used to it now.
Well, for your dining pleasure this evening, We are serving "clear beef bouillon Or chicken bouillon," Which the chef informs me is also clear.
Is that it? If you still have room, Our dessert tray consists of A shimmering brick of green jell-o and the tray itself.
Do me a favor? Go down the hall and drag that snack machine in here.
You're not supposed to eat before the surgery.
I'll only lick the salt off the fritos.
You can eat them.
How long are visiting hours? I don't know.
Stay and keep me company.
O.
k.
Sports channel.
Dan, I've got a private room.
Good deal.
Do you want to fool around? In the hospital? Look.
The bed goes up and down.
You wouldn't have to do nothing.
I don't think so.
Aw Are you o.
k.
with this? Why worry about me? Are you o.
k.
? Yeah.
Then me, too.
You sure? I'm with you all the way-- When they wheel you down, when it's over.
While it's happening I'll be far away liquored up.
Knock, knock.
Am I interrupting? No, it's o.
k.
Surprise! Surprise! For they were jolly good fellows For they were jolly good fellows For they were jolly good fellows Which nobody can deny Ooh--ooh! Whoo! Oh, look it! A boob cake! Where did you get that? I saw it in good housekeeping.
It was for a kitty-cat face.
I trimmed the ears and doubled the recipe.
Boy, am I leaving.
I'll be here first thing in the morning.
So will I.
No cake for her.
He seems to be doing better.
Well, it would be easier if he was a leg man.
You know Dan tells everybody the first thing he noticed about you was your eyes.
Men have to say that, Crystal.
It's the law.
Mmm-hmm.
You know they're lying.
All they think about are our chests.
At least every guy I ever went out with.
One article said one reason men are so obsessed with breasts is that they represent security and nurturing And--and motherhood.
Ohh! That's why they call them hooters.
Or as my fellow truckers like to say, bumpers headlights and then the ever flattering airbags.
Then there's your fruits and vegetables, right? Coconuts, mangoes pineapples sweet potatoes the entire melon family.
and don't forget a nice pair.
They have the nerve to say they love you for your brain.
Which can't be true, because they've only got one word for brain.
If that was true, all those bars would be having wet hat contests.
Well, we brought you a present, Roseanne.
Goody, goody.
Let me see.
Oh, gimme it.
Oh, boy.
Oh, boy.
Oh! Whoa! Yahoo! Look it.
No underwires! No underwire! Yeow! Now I can go through the metal detector at the airport without setting it off.
All right, Mrs.
.
Conner, we're about ready.
Did everybody wash their hands? Yes, ma'am.
Who are you? You're not my doctor.
Dr.
Foster, your anesthesiologist.
Do you have any pull around here? I never did get my jell-o.
Now, just count backwards from 100.
O.
k.
, but if I wake up with a baby, I'm going to personally kick your as Rosie.
Rosie.
Wake up, sleepyhead.
Dan? Hi, honey.
How do you feel? How did everything go? The operation went great.
The surgeon said it's his best work ever.
I want to see.
I want to see.
O.
k.
There's a mirror by the wall.
Let me help you up.
Aah! Great, huh? They were supposed to make them smaller! This is better.
Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Calm down, Mrs.
.
Conner.
Calm down.
I've got your jell-o right here.
What did you do to me? What happened? You had a breast enlargement.
And a great one! I was supposed to have a reduction! You made a mistake! That's not true, Mrs.
.
Conner.
Here's your release form right there.
Here's your signature.
My doctor told me what he was going to do! I want to see my doctor! I want to see him now! Right away.
Doctor, we need you.
Yes? What's wrong? Not big enough? Rosie.
Rosie.
Dan? She's awake, Jacks.
Roseanne, hi.
How are you? Oh, way to go, Doogie.
Huh! Well Now I just got to work on this.
Stop it.
I'm not touching you.
I'm warning you, D.
J.
Quit it.
I'm not touching you.
That's it.
[Thud.]
Ow! Dad, I never touched her.
Well, it was hardly worth it then, was it, son? How come you're home so late? Drive your brother and sister to school.
Yeah, Deej, let's go for a little ride.
I'm taking the bus.
Smart.
There's 70 kids waiting to beat him up on the bus.
So, mom, first day back to work? That's right.
Going to take the twins out for show and tell? Har har.
Go to school, Darlene.
All right.
All right.
Uh By the way You look nice.
How many times do I have to tell you? I did this so I would feel better, Not so I would look better? God, take a pill.
So? What? How do I look? I'm a sucker for a woman in uniform.
Did you check out the name tag? Yeah.
It looks bigger.
Yeah, like, my whole uniform's really, really big, You know, like a tent.
Want to go camping, Dan? Now? Aren't you going to be late? Well, I got, like, an hour.
Well, you keep saying you're sore.
I just say that so the girls will keep doing all the crap work.
Come on, Dan.
It's been, like, a while.
I know.
What's the matter? I'm not sure this is the right time.
No, it's the perfect time.
I haven't even made the bed yet.
I don't know.
I feel kind of weird.
It's still me.
I'm nervous, honey.
Well, don't be.
They're higher now.
Ha ha ha! John! Hey, great show.
Hey, thanks.
How did that scene go In the kitchen-- kind of romantic? You didn't see it? No.
I had a call in my dressing room.
It's weird.
There's no call and the door jammed.
I was stuck.
That is weird.
Did you do it like I suggested? Yeah! I played it nervous.
She breaks me down.
We shake hands.
Everybody agrees with you.
A simple platonic gesture says it all.
Cool.
I love being a producer.