Seinfeld s04e16 Episode Script

I'm tired of pretending I'm excited every time it's somebody's birthday.
What is the big deal? How many times do we have to celebrate that someone was born? Every year, over and over.
All you did was not die for 12 months.
That's all you've done, as far as I could tell.
I love the astrology things that tell you the people that have the same birthday as you.
It's always an odd group of people to it.
It's like Ed Asner, Elijah Muhammed and Secretariat.
I don't wanna live.
I don't wanna live! Because of me? You must be joking.
Who wouldn't wanna live because of me? - I'm nothing.
- No.
- You're something.
- You can do better than me.
You could throw a dart out the window and hit someone better than me.
I'm no good.
You're good.
You're good.
I'm bad.
I'm bad.
You're killing me! So what could I do? I couldn't go through with it.
She threatened to kill herself.
Over you? Yes.
Why, is that so inconceivable? - Well - I'm trying to get in touch with Sharon Leonard.
She works for the NYU paper.
This is Jerry Seinfeld.
She was supposed to meet me for an interview.
Oh, what are you gonna get Jerry for his birthday? - I got him a great gift.
- Really? What? I got two tickets to see Guys and Dolls.
Oh, that is a good gift.
Maybe he'll take me.
No, I'm gonna go with him.
What did you get him? I got him a two-line phone.
Really? That's good.
Unbelievable.
She's not there.
- What paper does she write for? - For the NYU school newspaper.
She's a grad student in journalism.
Never been to a comedy club.
Never seen me.
Has no idea who I am.
Never even seen you? Gotta kind of envy that.
You know, you've been developing quite the acid tongue lately.
Really? Who do you think is the most unattractive world leader? - Living or all-time? - All-time.
If it's all-time, there's no contest.
It begins and ends with Brezhnev.
I don't know.
Did you ever get a good look at De Gaulle? Lyndon Johnson was uglier than De Gaulle.
I got news for you.
Golda Meir could make them all run up a tree.
Golda Meir.
Good one, babe.
Hey, come here.
Come here.
Those two girls behind you, they're eavesdropping.
- Really? - You know just because you two are homosexuals, so what? I mean, you should come out of the closet and be openly gay already.
So, what do you say? You know you'll always be the only man I'll ever love.
What's the matter with you? - Come on.
Go along.
- I'm not going along.
I could just see you in Berlin in 1939 goose-stepping past me.
"Come on, Jerry.
Go along.
Go along.
" - You're no fun.
- You know, I hear that all the time.
- Hear what? - That I'm gay.
People think I'm gay.
Yeah, people ask me that about you too.
Yeah, because I'm single, I'm thin, and I'm neat.
And you get along well with women.
I guess that leaves me in the clear.
Hi, Jerry, it's Sharon Leonard from the NYU paper.
I'm here at the coffee shop, and I was a little late.
We must have missed each other.
- I'm going to the bathroom.
- Me too.
I'll be here for a little while longer, and I'll try to hook up with you later.
- Hey.
- Hey.
I just thought of a great name for myself, if I ever become a porno actor.
Oh, yeah? What? Buck Naked? Yeah.
How did you know that? You told me that already.
Like two months ago.
Let me ask you something.
What do you think of this shirt? Well Allison bought it for me.
- How you gonna get out of that one? - I don't know.
I guess I have to wait for her to die.
- Yeah? - Sharon from N YU.
Come on up.
- Who's that? - Oh, that's that reporter from NYU.
She's doing the interview.
I told her to come here so we won't miss each other.
- Do you want me to stay or? - Sure, I don't care.
Hi.
Hi, I'm I'm Sharon.
Hi, I'm Jerry.
- Something the matter? - No, no.
Nothing.
- You look familiar.
Have we ever met? - I'm not sure.
Have we? You look familiar.
Why don't we do this over here? This is George.
Oh, hi.
Nice to meet you.
- He'll hang around, if that's okay.
- Sure, I'd like to talk to him too.
Oh, really? - Okay.
- Okay.
There we go.
- Oh, is that a problem? - No, I just hate my voice on tape.
It always sounds so high and whiny.
- Well, shall we start? - Fire away.
Okay, let's see.
Are you just a comedian, or do you do anything else? Well, right now George and I are writing a pilot for NBC.
Oh, so you also work together.
Yeah.
Jerry, did you wash this pear? - Yeah, I washed it.
- It looks like it hasn't been washed.
So wash it.
You hear the way he talks to me? You should hear how my boyfriend talks to me.
What? Hey, let me ask you something.
What do you think of this shirt? It's nice.
Jerry said he didn't like it.
I didn't say I didn't like it.
I said it was okay.
- Oh, you said you didn't like it.
- Oh, well, so what if I don't like it? Is that, like, the end of the world or something? So how did you two meet? Oh, actually, we met in a gym locker room.
Yeah.
Actually, it was in gym class.
I was trying to climb the ropes and Jerry was spotting me.
And I kept slipping and burning my thighs.
And then finally I slipped, and I fell on Jerry's head.
We've been close ever since.
Do you guys live together? - Live together? - No, I got my own place.
Oh, and do your parents know? - Know what? - My parents? They don't know what's going on.
You're that girl in the coffee shop that was eavesdropping on us.
I knew you looked familiar.
Oh, no! No! - I better get going.
- There's been a big misunderstanding.
We did that for your benefit.
We knew you were eavesdropping.
That's why my friend said all that.
It was on purpose.
We're not gay.
Not that there's anything wrong with that.
- No, of course not.
- It's fine, if that's who you are.
- Absolutely.
- I mean, I have many gay friends.
- My father's gay.
- Look I know what I heard.
- Heard.
It was a joke.
- Look, you wanna have sex right now? Do you wanna have sex with me right now? Let's go.
Come on! Let's go, baby! Come on! Hey, come on.
Let's go.
I thought we were gonna take a steam.
- No, I don't want any steam.
- No.
No steam.
Well, I don't wanna sit there naked all by myself.
The whole thing's your fault.
You want me to talk to her? I'd be perfectly willing to.
- I don't think so.
- Because you know me I walk into a room, problem solved.
She says she'll think about it.
So what, even if it does come out.
It'll just be in an NYU paper.
Why don't you take your jacket off? - No, I'm okay.
- I'm gonna try her again.
Boy.
Happy birthday.
"Faruba!" - Today's not my birthday.
- Well, I beg to differ.
Well, I think I know when my birthday is.
Yeah, well, you'd think so, but you'd be wrong.
Maybe he's right.
Maybe it is my birthday.
Would you take the jacket off? Leave me alone.
Get off my back about the jacket.
- Oh, look at this.
A phone.
- Yeah.
A two-line phone.
That's terrific! Thanks a lot.
Now when someone's on the phone, I can make a call.
- Yeah.
- Look, Elaine, a two-line phone.
Yeah, I see it.
I'm gonna get one myself.
Where you going? I gotta go return something.
I got a dial tone.
- Okay, this is the maiden call.
- Yeah.
Wait, wait.
I wanna get the first call.
All right.
Go to your house.
I'll call you.
- Hello.
- Hello.
Hey, it's working.
This is great.
Thanks a lot.
- Happy birthday, buddy.
- Wait, I got a call on the other line.
- Okay, later.
- All right, I'll talk to you later.
- Hello? - Jerry, it's Sharon from N YU.
- Oh, hi.
- I was just calling to tell you I'm not gonna play up that angle we talked about on the story.
Oh, thank you very much.
That's great.
Hold on a second.
I got a call on the other line.
- Hello.
- Hey.
How you doing? You know I got that reporter from the newspaper on the other line.
- So, what did she say? She said she's not gonna play up that angle in the story.
She thinks we're heterosexual.
I guess we fooled her.
All right, I'll get rid of her.
Hold on.
Sharon? Hello? Sharon, are you there? - I'm back.
- You know I could hear you on the other line.
What are you talking about? I heard what you said: "Sharon, are you there?" You heard me talking on the other line? Are you sure? Yes, I heard you.
Maybe she was disconnected.
Maybe she wasn't.
Maybe she heard the whole conversation.
All right.
Let me call Kramer, and see if you can hear anything.
Hold on.
- Hello.
- There may be a problem with the phone.
Hold on.
"There may be a problem with the phone.
" Oh, no! Kramer, this phone's a piece of junk.
Goodbye.
"This phone's a piece of junk.
" Oh, no! She's heard everything! What will we do? She thinks we're gay.
Not that there's anything wrong with it.
No, no, of course not.
People's personal sexual preferences are nobody's business but their own.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Elaine, right? Nice to meet you.
- Thanks for meeting with me.
- Sure.
Would you like to take a seat? - Sure.
- Thank you.
Why don't you take your coat off? So she kept insisting I take off my coat.
I refused, and then she forcibly tried to get me to remove it.
She didn't take her coat off in my house, either.
You know there are tribes in Indonesia where if you keep your coat on in somebody's house, the families go to war.
Give me a break.
So you don't take your coat off, and now everyone at NYU thinks I'm gay.
Not that there's anything wrong with that.
Not at all.
- Take that coat off.
- I don't want to take it off.
Take your coat off, already.
When will we see it? I'd like to read the article.
They're sending it to me.
All right, well - Here you go.
Happy birthday.
- Thank you.
Two tickets to Guys and Dolls.
I'm gonna go with you.
Guys and Dolls? Isn't that a lavish Broadway musical? It's Guys and Dolls, not Guys and Guys.
You're right.
Guys and Dolls.
Thanks.
Thanks very much.
- All right.
- All right, well - Happy birthday.
- Oh, Lainey! The Collected Works of Bette Midler.
What? l I thought you liked Bette Midler.
She's all right.
- You said you liked her.
- Well, so what? Maybe I do like her.
- So what? - So nothing.
- Well, thanks for the CDs.
- Yeah, you're welcome.
Why are those two people pointing at you over there? I don't know.
- What've you got there? - The New York Post.
They've got an article about you.
"Although they maintain separate residences the comedian and his longtime companion seem to be inseparable.
" Oh, no, The Associated Press picked up the NYU story.
That's gonna be in every paper.
I've been outed.
I wasn't even in.
Now everyone's gonna think we're gay.
Not that there's anything wrong with that.
No, not at all.
"Within the confines of his fastidious bachelor pad Seinfeld and Costanza bicker over the cleanliness of a piece of fruit like an old married couple.
" I told you that pear was washed.
I thought we were friends.
Here we go.
I mean, how could you two keep this a secret from me? - It's not true.
- Enough lying.
The lying is through.
Come on, Jerry, the masquerade is over.
You're thin, late 30s, single.
- So are you.
- Yeah.
- Hello.
- George? Mrs.
Seinfeld? Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Ma? - Jerry? - Ma.
Oh, my God! My mother! - Jerry.
- Ma, it's not true.
It was those culottes you made him wear when he was 5.
They weren't culottes.
They were shorts.
They were culottes! You bought them in the girls' department.
By mistake.
By mistake, Jerry.
I'm sorry.
It looked like he was wearing a skirt, for crying out loud.
It has nothing to do with the culottes.
Not that there's anything wrong with that, Jerry.
I open up the paper, and this is what I have to read about? I fell right off the toilet.
My back went out again.
I couldn't move.
The super had to come and help me up.
I was half-naked.
It's not true.
Every day it's something else with you.
I don't know anything about you anymore.
Who are you? What kind of life are you leading? Who knows what you're doing.
Maybe you're making porno films.
Yeah.
I'm Buck Naked.
You're who? Buck Naked? Jerry, I can see.
He's so neat and thin.
Not that there's anything wrong with it.
Of course not.
Six-thirty, Scott.
Time for your sponge bath.
Six-thirty already? I fell asleep.
Let me help you off with that.
Here, I'll Just slip it over your head.
- The water's nice and warm, isn't it? - Oh, that feels really good.
George, are you telling me the truth? George, I'm talking to you! Guess who left a message on my machine.
That reporter from NYU.
I wonder what she wants.
All right.
Now the play is tomorrow night.
Would you like dinner first or just meet at the theater? Excuse me, sir, I'm sorry to bother you.
I want you to know that it took a lot of guts to come out how you did and that you've inspired me to do the same even though that may mean a discharge from the service.
Thanks.
You know, I think I'll pass on the Guys and Dolls.
All right, fine, don't go.
I try and go out and do something special for your birthday and this is the thanks I get.
Everything's tainted now.
- Would you keep your voice down? - No, I will not keep my voice down! Nothing can make me keep my voice down! If you boys cannot control yourselves then I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
- Fine, I'll take Elaine.
- Yes.
Just don't say anything to Allison.
No, I won't.
Did she see the article? - No.
Just imagine her reaction.
- Yeah.
- Oh, my God.
- What? She hasn't seen the article.
When she sees it, she's gonna think I'm out, baby! I'm out! Yeah, so? "Yeah, so?" Well, this is nice.
They mention your name.
Don't you see what it says here? Don't you understand what that's implying? No.
What? I'm gay.
I'm a gay man.
I'm very, very gay.
- You're gay? - Extraordinarily gay.
Steeped in gayness.
I don't believe it.
You don't believe me, ask Jerry.
- I will.
- What do you mean, you will? No, no, no.
That's a bad idea.
- Jerry's a very private person.
- I wanna hear it from Jerry.
Oh, can you ever forgive me? I don't know.
All right, I forgive you.
You know, the funny thing is, I was attracted to you immediately.
I was attracted to you too.
You remind me of Lois Lane.
Jerry! Oh, my God! What are you doing? What? You're with a woman! I know.
What are you doing here? I leave you alone for two seconds, and this is what you do? I trusted you! - Would you get the hell out of here? - Stop it.
- What? What's going on? - Yeah, what's going on? All right.
Tell her.
Go ahead.
- Tell her what? - You know, about us.
- Are you crazy? - Tell her, Jerry.
Tell her.
I'm telling her nothing.
Do you know what you're saying? This This is too weird.
Wait a minute.
You wrote the article.
Go ahead.
Tell her.
I'm out of here.
It's not true! It's not true! Not that there's anything wrong with that.
- You stupid idiot.
- Oh, please don't be upset.
Oh, would you stop it with that stuff? What's going on? All right, I'll tell you the truth.
I'm not gay.
My name's Buck Naked.
I'm a porno actor.
- Really? - Oh, my God.
- Hey, how you doing? - How you doing? Hello.
- Hi.
How are you? - Hi.
How are you? All right, we'll see you later.
He's the phone man.
Not that there's anything wrong with that.
I am not gay.
I am, however, thin, single and neat.
When someone is thin, single and neat people assume they're gay because that's the stereotype.
We normally don't think of gay people as fat, sloppy and married.
Although I'm sure there are, I don't want to perpetuate the stereotype.
I'm sure they're the minority, though, within the gay community.
Probably discriminated against.
Because of that, people say to them: "You know, Joe, I enjoy being gay with you but it's about time you got in shape, tucked your shirt in and lost the wife.
" If people are gonna assume that neat people are gay instead of doing this: "I think Joe might be a little" They should vacuum.
"You know, I think Joe might be" Yeah.
I got a feeling he's a little