South Park s04e16 Episode Script

comedy central ? I'm going down to south park? ? Gonna have myself a time? ? Friendly faces everywhere? ? Humble folks without temptation? ? Going down to south park? ? Gonna leave my woes behind? ? Ample parking day or night? ? People spouting "howdy neighbor"? ? Headed on up to south park? ? Gonna see if i can't unwind? ? So come on down to south park? ? And meet some friends of mine? Come on, throw the football, ike! Dude, you're not gonna believe what cartman has! Hepatitis "b"? No, dickhole.
Four tickets, 28th row, for theraging pussies.
You got raging pussies tickets?! We're going tomorrow night.
Cartman's got the bus schedule all figured out.
Hold on, i'll be right back.
Mom, dad! Can i go with the guys to see the raging pussies? No, kyle.
But all the guys are going! Kyle, you're not old enough.
And those concerts are dangerous and vile.
But mom, i- The answer is no, kyle! Agh! My parents said i can't go.
Well, of course your parents said you can't go! Dummy! You don't ask if you can go! I'm telling my parents i'm staying at stan's house, Stan's telling his parent he's staying at kenny's house, And kenny's not telling his parents anything 'Cause they're alcoholics and they don't care.
Yeah! Oh well, now i already told them.
Well, i guess you're screwed then.
No, it's all right.
Just give me some time to work on them.
I'll see you guys later.
But what if i do a bunch of chores around the house? Come on, you're being unfair! All right, fine, kyle, You can go to the raging pussies concert If you clean out the garage, shovel the driveway And bring democracy to cuba! What's cuba? A communist country run by a dictator named fidel castro.
And do i have to shovel the whole driveway Or just the side the car's on? The whole thing.
Oh, geez.
Dear, mr.
Castro, my name is kyle.
I am an 8-Year-Old american boy who lives in south park.
and if i had just one wish, Just one wish in the whole world ? If i had one wish it'd be for cuba to change? ? Because i think that all the cubans are in pain? ? All the joy in the world from sea to shining sea? ? Doesn't mean a thing if cubans aren't free? ? I just can't be very happy that's certain? ? Not as long as your cubans are hurtin'? ? Oh, won't you search your soul? ? And find a way to change your mind? ? That is my one and only wish? Llamada todos junto! Once again this does mark the end of communism in cuba! Cuban dictator fidel castro claims he was finally convinced by a young boy's letter.
Now the country is again open to american tourism.
Plans can finally resume for knott's berry farm, cuba.
I did it! Now i can go to the raging pussies! No, you can't.
What? Kyle, your mother and i don't want you going to the raging pussies concert.
We gave you a chore that we thought was impossible.
You weren't supposed to actually do it.
But i did, i brought democracy to cuba.
We know, kyle, But we just don't want you going to that concert.
But that's not fair, you lied to me! Kyle, perhaps we handled this wrong, But you need to understand that- What i understand is that you totally screwed me over! So why should i have to listen to you? Because we're your parents! Well, i wish i didn't have any parents! Kyle! It's so unfair! How could my parents do that to me? Parents can be pretty cruel sometimes, dude.
They get off on it.
They're evil.
I wish i didn't have any parents! Well youcouldmake them go away for a while.
How? Well, i mean, youcouldcall the police And have them take your parents away.
The police? Yeah, i saw it on tv.
All you gotta do is call the police And say that your parents both "molestered" you.
What's that? I don't know, but it works.
When i wanted to get rid of my mom's last boyfriend I just called the police, and said he was molestering me, And i haven't seen him for three months.
Wow- Three months without parents! But what do the police do to them? Who cares? My parents deserve whatever they get! They're liars and cheats! You have to make it convincing, though, when you call the police, You have to be like, "my parents molestered me!" My parents molestered me.
No, but you gotta cry, like this- My parents molestered me.
And then they'll say something like, "was it good touch or bad touch?" And you say, "it was good touch.
" No, wait, you say it was bad touch.
What's bad touch? Something about a swimsuit, i don't remember.
But you definitely answer "bad touch".
Okay- Molestered, bad touch.
Yeah, and cry.
Oh, he's ready.
Oh my god, this isn't happening! I would never touch my children like that! You do have the right to remain silent, ma'am, I suggest you use that right.
Please, just listen to me! Heh-Heh, heh-Heh.
What about my children? Who will take care of them? Oh, now you care? They're going to live with their grandmother.
Their grandmother's been dead for three years! You're not listening to me! Kyle, tell these people that your They'll never be able to hurt you again.
Cool, thanks.
All right, folks, our work here is done.
All right! ? Just take those old records off the shelf? ? I sit and listen to 'em by myself? ? Today's music ain't got the same soul? ? I like that old time rock and roll? ? Don't try to take me to a disco? Dude, having no parents is awesome! I'm gonna say my parents molestered me, too! Hey, yeah! We should all say our parents molestered us! Yeah, all right.
Woo-Hoo! ? I like that old time rock and roll? ? Still like that old time rock and roll? ? That kind of music just soothes my soul? ? I reminisce about the days of old? ? With that old time rock and roll? The following hot presentation is for mature audiences only.
You guys, come out here! What's going on? Notice anything? Watch Nothing.
Yeah, nothing.
There's not an adult left in town.
They've all been arrested, and the ones that weren't arrested Have moved away because they're scared of being arrested.
Not one adult left? Then it's ours.
The whole town it's ours.
Oh, sweetie, i have no idea where we are.
I haven't seen a road marker for miles.
What was the last highway we were on? There has to be a town around here somewhere.
Maybe you're reading the map wrong.
Hey, it was your idea to take the back roads! What the? Oh no no, no, no, no.
What's the matter with it? I have no idea.
Oh, we're gonna have to find some help quick.
We're not gonna make it more than a couple miles.
Oh, look, there's a town up ahead! Smiley town? That's a strange name.
Well, it'll have to do.
It's probably the only town for 100 miles.
Hello! Is anybody here? Oh, uh- Can i help you folks? Yes, we need a mechanic to look at our car.
Oh, well, uh i'm the mechanic, i guess.
What seems to be the problem? It's just you here? No, craig's here, too.
Oh, good.
But he's playin' "spaceman" right now.
Hey, craig! What? Look, we're in a bit of a spot here.
I've got a very important job interview tomorrow morning in breckenridge So i have to get my car fixed fast.
Is there another garage in town? Uhh no.
How about a phone, can we just use the phone? Phone here doesn't work.
I'm afraid the only phone that does work Is over in "treasure cove".
Fine, can you take us there? You sure you wanna go to treasure cove? Yes! Oh, really, are you sure? Yes! Oh, all right then, show 'em where it is.
This is the end of smiley town.
The only phone is somewhere in treasure cove.
If you wanna find it, you're gonna have to cross the white line.
Well, can you help us find the phone, please? Hell no, i'm not crossing the white line.
Why not? All right, let's just go, linda, I don't have time for "spaceman spiff's" little games.
Craig.
What? It's spaceman craig.
Carousel.
Nya-Nya, nya-Nya-Nya! Look, there's an elementary school.
Come on, there might be some teachers inside.
What is that? Ahh! What do you want from us? Linda, it's a remote-Controlled car.
It looks like maybe there's a little camera on it.
Mark, i don't like this.
Relax, linda, everything's fine.
Ow, ow! What is it- Acid? No, it's lemon juice! Oh, god, are you blind? No, it just really, really, really hurts! Mark, mark, look.
Well, hello, what's your name? What-What do you want? We want to play.
Mark, i'm scared.
Don't be scared, they're just kids.
Where are your parents? We already played with our parents.
Now, we wanna play with you.
Okay, i'm scared now, too, that freaked me out.
We want to play with you! Get off me! Oh god, mark, help! Oh no, they're crossing the white line! Ohhh! Spit wads! Take that, kindergartners! Eww, gross! What the hell is going on here?! Kindergartners - Treasure cove is full of them.
All right, look kid, we demand to see an adult this instant.
I got new orders, i'm supposed to take you to see the mayor.
The mayor, good, finally.
Hello, mr.
And mrs.
Cotner, won't you come in, please? Mr.
And mrs.
Cotner, as the mayor of smiley town, I would like to ask you a few questions.
You're the mayor? What the hell is going on here? Where are all your parents? Parents? Ah, you mean the birth-Givers.
They're not around.
No parents in the entire town? What happened to them? Okay, see, i'm the mayor of smiley town And so i will ask the questions around here.
Look, just point us to a phone, kid, all right? Heh-Heh, i'm afraid you'll find all the phones Quite out of service.
No phones either? How do you communicate? Butters, i need an e.
T.
A.
On the car, stat.
All right, we've had just about enough here.
That's the most ridiculous thing i've ever seen! I don't care what little games you kids wanna play, We just want out of here, all right? It's gonna be about three days.
So, it appears that you need me.
Which is good, because, i need you too.
Ringy-Ding? I've got the job interview of my life in breckenridge.
Just tell me how to get a phone or a car! Spitball! Aah! You sons of bitches! You see what we're dealing with here? Tonight is "carousel", And they will try to kill one of us.
You two seem to have the uncanny ability to cross the white line.
If you help us, we'll get you what you need.
Mark, are we doing the right thing? Look, if getting this stupid book will get me a cell phone, i don't care! I just don't know if you're dealing with these kids the right way.
Well, i told you i can't deal with kids, linda! That's why i don't want to have children! Hey, i think you'd make a great father.
Let's not go through this again, linda.
Look, here's the book they've been talking about that makes no sense.
My god, mark! What is it? It's a boy.
They killed him.
The bastards Oh, mark, let's get out of here! Nya-Nya, nya-Nya-Nya! Aah! Oh, no.
Mark! Uh, the fat kid told us to take it! Wha- Ahh! Mark, mark, wake up! Nya-Nya, nya-Nya, nya-Nya! You guys, stop it! Sorry about them, kindergartners are kinda spazzes.
Yeah.
Why are you doing this? How come you wanna help the fat-Ass? Who? The fat-Ass, the mayor.
Look, i have the job interview of my life In less than I just need a phone, and he said he'd help me if i took your book So you couldn't kill them anymore.
You got "foolied", outlander.
We're the only ones with a working phone.
And if you'd taken our book Then it's one of us who dies tonight at carousel.
How did this all happen? Why do you children live in this town alone? Because we do.
It was like this yesterday and the day before that.
But what about before that? You mean in the before-Time? In the long, long ago? Yes! If we tell you, will you help us stop the fat-Ass? I'll do anything to get to a phone.
All right, everybody gather around.
We're gonna tell the story of the before-Time again! The before-Time! Story of before-Time.
Way back, in the long, long ago, We all lived by the birth-Givers' laws.
But the birth-Givers were unfair.
They made us go to bed early and eat broccoli.
Yuck, yuck, yuck! And so the fat-Ass came up with a way to have all the birth-Givers disappear, By using the magic "m"- Word.
Mmmmm! Soon we were without power, or water or fresh food, But we tried to survive under the guidance Of the provider.
Provider, provider.
But the fat-Ass and us disagreed on how to worship the provider.
The fat-Ass tried to make us follow his way by making himself the school principal.
So we made ourselves the superintendents of schools.
But then he just made himself the mayor.
The town split sides, and that's when the provider got angry.
Boom! Crash! So every night, the provider must be appeased at carousel.
We need their book, so one of ours doesn't die.
Carousel, carousel.
We all know that one day the provider will set us free, Make everything like it was in the before-Time.
In the long, long ago.
Let me get this straight.
If i go get the fat kid's book on the other side of the white line You'll show me where a cell phone is? Yes, no foolies.
No foolies.
Let's go, it's, it's right out here.
Linda, i want you to just go back to the car and wait for me, all right.
I'll go get that fat kid's book so i can use their phone.
Mark, i'm scared.
I know, but this will all be over soon.
Oh, gerald, i haven't seen you for so long! Hello, honey.
How has prison been for you? Oh, it's awful, just awful! All right, parents, let's all take our seats.
My name is scott evans, And i am a prison rehabilitation counselor.
Excuse me, but my wife and i Honestly never touched our child.
Neither did we! We didn't neither! Enough, enough! Look, it's obvious we have a lot of emotional issues And personal demons to face here.
During your prison time, you will all be spending one hour a day In therapy here with me.
What i want you to do, is learn to control those sick, sexual urges you have.
Now we're gonna try an exercise.
I'm gonna confront you with what you lust after most.
All right, parents, now, i know this is difficult, But i want you to just look at this child, Just try to suppress your urges to molest him.
Just think about something else, Think about clouds and beaches.
Don't think about his supple, soft, little body.
Oh, that's disgusting! Now stop this! Fight your urges, mr.
Brovlofski! I don't have any urges! I can't help you if you won't admit you need help! Now, sit down! Look, i know this is very difficult for all of you.
Most of you are still in denial about what you've done.
To you, it seems you never molested your children at all! But you did.
Help me help you.
Now let's try again.
Look at this young man.
Just look don't molest.
Fight it, fight it! Oh god, god.
Please just let us get out of this place.
I think i found the problem, ma'am.
Broken window roller-Upper.
Oh no, no! Ahh! Where is your husband? Uh Seize her! All right, i got the book for you.
Awesome! Now can i please have the cell phone? Sure, outlander, i'll get it.
Outlander! Outlander! We have your woman! She still lives, outlander! Outlander, her blood will spill! What the heck are you talking about? Butters, calm down, all right.
Okay, so what are some other things that we can do Besides molest our children? See a movie? Sure, see a movie's good.
We could see a movie instead of molesting our children.
What else? Make a sweater? Uh-Huh, i'll put "knitting/sewing".
Who's got another one? Molest children? No, no, we're looking for things to do Besidesmolesting our children.
Oh fishing? Fishing's good, uh-Huh.
I believe you have something of ours, outlander.
Give it back or the female gets it! Unh! Heh-Heh.
Unh! Give him the book back! No, if they have it one of ours will die for carousel! We're running out of time! Hand our book over, quick! Enough of this! You kids are all in big trouble! The provider awakes! It's time for carousel.
Ha ha, your side doesn't have its book, fat-Ass! That means someone on your side is sacrificed tonight! God dammit! All right, it is decided.
Butters, your turn.
Oh, i'm gonna be sacrificed to the provider! Stop right there! Nobody's killing anybody tonight! Be careful, mark, they'll make you disappear with the "m" - Word! Yeah, we'll call the police and say you molestered us too! What? I'm here for you, provider! Take me! Is that what happened to the adults here?! You lied to the police and said they molested you? My god, they were your parents! Parents? The birth-Givers! Your birth-Givers.
Don't you remember? They are your "providers"- Not some statue! And they're not off in some fantastical far away land now They're in prison! Probably crying themselves to sleep, cold and lonely and I'm sure, missing you all very, very much.
Your birth-Givers took care of you.
That's what their laws and their rules were for, because they love you, And they didn't want you to end up living like, like this.
Hewon't take care of you.
Your parents, your providers, will.
Parents Mom, dad.
Oh boy, here it comes! If you want things to be the way they were in the before-Time, In the long, long ago, You all need to call the police and tell them you lied about the m-Word.
He's right, dude.
Things were a lot better with our parents around.
Yeah, i guess their rules did have a point.
Things have gotten a lot worse in the 10 days since they've been gone.
It's only been 10 days since they left? Take him down.
Hey, what are you doing? I'm ready to give myself to mr.
Elway! Here's our cell phone, dude, Will call the police for us? Hey, looks like you're not so bad with kids after all.
Yeah, i guess you're right.
Maybe we should have some.
Yeah, right, after all this? I'm getting my tubes tied tomorrow! Come on, you guys, our parents are gonna be back any minute.
Do you think they're gonna be pissed at us for lying that they molested us And sending them all to jail for 10 days? Well, they can't be too pissed off, I mean, we made them a banner.
Hey, kids! Hey, you guys came back! Did you make it to your job interview? Yeah, i got the job.
You're looking at the new manager ofdenny's in breckenridge.
And i got my tubes tied! All right! Well, thanks for everything, you guys.
You really helped us see how important parents are.
Yeah! Hey, here they come! Mom, dad! Kids! Come here, come here.
Oh, kyle, ike sweetie, you're okay! Yeah, we're fine.
Kyle, we're so sorry for the horrible sexual abuse over the years.
But we're all better now.
But, you didn't do anything to me.
Ahp- We did.
We've come to terms with it through therapy And learned to admit it.
It won't happen again! But, you guys, i- Oh, stanley, i wish we could take back all the years of abuse, But we can't.
We've learned to overcome it, son, You'll see.
We love you, son, But we only love you in a platonic way, from now on! What the heck are you talking about? Kenny, kenny, we're sorry.
Where is he? Everything's gonna be all right now, jenny.
Come on, let's go home.
Huh.
Huh.
Well, what are you kids gonna do now? I dunno.
You guys wanna go build a snow igloo? Sure.
Snow igloos kick ass.
comedy central Captioned by soundwriters™