Cheers s04e17 Episode Script

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Good evening, you lucky dogs and doggettes.
Hey.
Hey, inside this airtight container is a taste sensation second to none.
Get your taste buds ready.
Ma's homemade pretzels.
You know, they kind of look like they were made in a home, Cliff.
Yeah, well, they're a little misshapen, you know? Ma's arthritis made her hands stiffen up on her.
That explains the smell of mentholatum then, huh? Yeah, here you go, Sam.
Chow down.
They're completely organic.
So, what word would you folks use to describe these babies? - Filling.
- Okay.
All right, they're filling.
No, no.
I just lost one.
Yeah, well, you know, Norm, they're pretzels.
They're supposed to be hard.
Hey, look, I'm gonna go share a few with the guys in the back.
A little bit of salt and mustard on there and you really got something.
Yeah, a lawsuit.
I need some water.
I'm having trouble swallowing.
Why are you trying? Well, I figure it's either that, or I have to take it out and look at it.
Everybody, I'd like you to meet my date, Dr.
Lilith Sternin, M.
D.
, Ph.
D.
, Ed.
D.
, APA.
Boy, it sure isn't spelled like it sounds.
I'm so proud of Frasier.
He's making good on his vow to start a new life.
Lilith and I met over drinks after the chemical-dependency seminar last week.
By the way, I noticed your drinking went beyond sociability.
Woody, may I have two cognacs? And what would you like? Come on, it was just a meaningless joke.
There's no such thing as a meaningless joke.
- I'd forgotten.
- I'll have a white wine.
I'll have a beer.
A beer, Woody, and white wine for the charming lady.
Charming? Your flattery is obligatory and specious.
Thank you.
So how do you like Cheers? Well, it seems adequate for its purpose.
But I have a feeling that you only brought me to this place to surround yourself with people you know and I don't.
Well, yes.
But what's more, I thought that we might have a drink or two, thereby lowering our inhibitions a bit, and enabling us to go back to your place, and have a physical encounter of some sort.
Well, we won't.
I appreciate your candour.
No, you don't.
You're right.
I feel like striking you.
Your attempt at machismo is totally inadequate.
You can't even make eye contact.
I could look at you if I wanted to.
But frankly, I've grown tired of counting the comb marks in your hair.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go and use the little boys' room.
Why does a grown man feel the need to euphemize? Well, he did drink that beer awfully fast.
That's the hospital.
I'm on call.
With any luck, it will be one of my manic-depressives and the evening will take an upturn.
Well, you gotta love her, don't you? Excuse me, miss? Would you please inform Dr Crane that I had to leave on an emergency? And kindly relay this message: "I've had a very uncomfortable evening, and I don't think we should see each other in the future, except professionally.
" What? No good-night kiss? I kiss only as a prelude to passion.
Well, we've been warned.
Oh, dear.
It appears Frasier has been rejected again.
That poor yutz.
Even the trash only gets dumped once a week.
- Where's Lilith? - Dr Sternin was called away on an emergency.
Well, that's all right.
Anyway, I didn't much care for Lilith.
Sam, do you mind if I just use your office for a moment? Sure, sure.
How come? I'm going to weep.
Poor Frasier.
I wish he could find someone to help him ease his loneliness.
Sam, couldn't you give him one of your hand-me-downs? I already did.
No, I was thinking of someone who would be, like, fun.
Well, now that you mention it, I guess I could prescribe a little Candi Pearson for Dr Crane.
Candi.
I like Candi.
I sincerely doubt that Frasier would approve being set up for a one-night stand with one of your jiggling jugheads.
I am not talking about sex necessarily.
I just think that Frasier should know that women don't always mean misery.
I think Candi is just what the doctor prescribed.
She's cute, she's fun and she's never met a man she didn't like.
A lot.
- Hi, Sam.
- Hey, Candi.
Boy, is it good to see you.
You are beautiful as ever.
Sam, I'm getting a little low.
I'm also running out of beer.
Well, yeah.
Maybe I can help you out on both counts here, Frasier.
I'd like you to meet Candi.
- Hi.
- Hi, yourself.
Anyone ever tell you you've got a cute forehead? Frankly, no, but I've been told I have acute anxiety.
What's your name? Dr Frasier Crane.
I'm Candi.
Yes, so I see from your necklace.
Candi, with an l.
Well, I used to spell it with a Y, but nobody ever took me seriously.
So then I switched it to an l.
You know, like Gandhi? Yes, yes.
I understand that's why he did it.
Could I buy you a drink? Oh, sure.
- Something with bubbles.
- Very well.
Sam, champagne cocktails à deux.
It looks like you and Candi are becoming friends.
Well, she seems like a very pleasant sort.
Sam, she's not here for you, is she? No, no, no.
It looks to me like she's here for you, Frasier.
Well, yes, it does.
Well, you're lucky, doc.
You know, Sammy has never bothered to set me up with one of his bevy of babes.
Not that I need help.
No, just mercy.
Oh, I see.
This is all a set-up.
Well, I've seen that movie before.
When all else fails, hire some strumpet to date the town wretch.
Hey, this is not a set-up, and she's not a strumpet.
She's just here because I thought you might like each other.
No expectations, no frills.
You know, just kind of a casual thing.
Well, thanks, Sam, but no thanks.
Yeah, but I see your little attempt to corrupt Frasier has failed miserably.
I'm sorry, miss, but I just figured out what this is all about.
I'm not in the habit of fraternizing with women of your type.
What type is that? You know.
Fun.
Good night.
I don't believe it.
Frasier just turned down Candi.
If it was me, I'd be making her scrambled eggs by now.
I'm sure she'd prefer that to sex.
Why do you open your mouth? I didn't know she was there, Norm.
You know, we need to put a little bell on her.
I don't know what you think this is all about, but I just came here because Sam said you were a nice guy and you were down in the dumps.
And I thought maybe we could talk a little bit and have a couple of laughs.
Well, fine.
We've had that.
You've done your charity work for the evening.
Charity work? You really are a sad case.
How a guy with such a great forehead could get so messed up.
Wait.
The least I can do is give you a ride home.
I'm going in your direction.
- Which direction? - Out.
Thank you, Frasier.
You're sweet.
Say, you know, I just realized I'm feeling kind of hungry.
- Would you like to get some food? - Oh, food.
My favourite.
Good Lord.
Frasier left with her? Well, they have nothing in common.
What could he possibly have to say to that woman? "Thank you, thank you, thank you.
" Pretzels.
Fresh pretzels.
Get your fresh pretzels here.
Delivered to you piping hot from Ma Clavin's kitchen.
Come on, Norm.
You're his friend.
You promised you'd tell him to stop bringing that stuff in here.
All right.
I'll take care of it while I still have some teeth left.
Hey, incidentally, Normie, I don't mind telling you, you know, how much Ma appreciates the fact that you guys like her pretzels.
- Great, Cliff, listen-- - She's been down in the dumps these past 40 years.
You know, when she heard how you felt about these babies, well, she just broke right down and cried.
Oh, boy, pretzels.
Anyone seen Frasier yet? No, not since he left last night with Candi.
Yeah, I wonder what they did, you know? I'm sure they just went out and had dinner.
Yeah, I bet they had some dinner, all right.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
A real good dinner in a real fine restaurant, huh? Actually, the best.
I wonder if the restaurant was crowded.
I sincerely doubt that Frasier took advantage of that young girl.
Come on, Diane.
Frasier's a guy, no different from the rest of us.
- Yeah.
- There's one difference.
He's scored since the invention of the wheel.
It doesn't have to be a big bell as long as we can hear it.
Trust me.
He might have taken pity on that poor girl and done something to be nice to her.
Frasier is far too sophisticated a man to be swept away by her transparent charms.
Greetings, one and all.
Say hello to Mrs Frasier Crane.
You're married? Well, no.
No, we're not married.
And we won't be for a long time.
An hour.
Yeah, we're gonna tie the knot right here today where we met just 16 hours ago.
- That is, if it's okay with you, Sam.
- Yeah.
Sixteen hours isn't much time, Frasier.
Well, that depends on how you spend those 16 hours.
Hey, Woody, some champagne here.
I mean, this is quite an occasion.
I know I'm responsible for that, but I didn't even see that coming.
The thought never even crossed my mind.
Thoughts can't cross your mind, Sam.
The bridge is out.
Okay, well, I would like to propose a toast, then.
This is one that my father said at my wedding, and it's kind of always stuck with me.
"Thank God I'm not paying for this.
" Thank you.
Thank you, all.
Spot.
Look at me.
I'm rumpled and loving it.
Sam, I'll never be able to thank you enough for introducing me to this precious flower.
That goes double for me.
Candi is the perfect girl for me.
I got so tired of thinking and dating at the same time.
But with Candi, I'm no longer "Frasier Crane, pompous intellectual.
" I'm "Fras, pompous madcap.
" And I kind of like him.
Come on, darling.
We'll just stop off at my place for a quick celebration, and then we've got a ring to buy before the justice of the peace arrives.
Oh, Fras? Just a moment, dear.
What is it, Diane? I hate what I'm about to say, and I pray to God it's not true, but I think you're doing this to draw me out, to force me to make a stand.
Please, tell me if I'm wrong, and I'll be forever silent.
- You're wrong.
- No, I'm not.
Yes, you are, Diane.
Okay.
Fine.
He's lost his mind.
Well, Cliffie, we got time for a wedding on this evening's agenda? Yeah, yeah, well, if we put back the billiards game.
And we gotta miss the first ten minutes of nighttime Wheel of Fortune.
I hate it when someone throws a monkey wrench in the works.
No, don't worry, Norm.
Look, we'll just postpone the darts game until after the vows.
Yeah? Aren't you forgetting something, Mr Organizer? Today's the day when People magazine comes out.
- Yeah, so? - So when are we supposed to black out celebrities' teeth? Tell me that.
You know, you're not so dumb.
Thank you, Carla.
Frasier's not my cup of tea, but as husbands go, he could be all right.
He won't hurt you, and I think he'll always be faithful.
And if he isn't, who cares? That's kind of beautiful.
Yeah.
Dr Crane? I couldn't be happier for you.
- She is a beautiful girl.
- Thank you, Woody.
My dream is to someday fall in love with a beautiful girl, and for her to fall in love with me.
We get married and have three wonderful children who grow up, and move away from us, and hardly ever write.
She and I would grow old in an empty house together and die.
I forgot.
I also want a boat.
It'll happen for you, Woody.
I know it.
Shall we begin? May we all gather down at this end? My dear? You look lovely.
You too, Frasier.
But you know what we're missing? Music.
Music.
Of course.
Say, anybody play the piano? I play a little.
Well, get up there, young man, and regale us with your virtuosity.
Woody? Woody? I don't think that's quite right for a wedding.
- It's perfect, senseless.
Madcap.
- Yeah.
Frasier would've hated it.
Fras thinks it's swell.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to join this man and this woman in matrimony.
Marriage is a sacred union not to be entered into lightly.
If there is any person present who knows a reason why this couple should not be united, speak now, or forever hold your peace.
I do.
Right phrase, wrong wedding.
I have to stop this and stop it now.
There's something I must say.
I've tried to avoid it.
I've tried to hold my peace, but I can't.
It's urgent.
Please.
Sam, help.
Let's go, fast.
Listen up, everybody.
We'll be back in a minute here.
In the meantime, you'll be entertained by the magic fingers of Mr Woody Boyd.
Frasier, Candi, I apologize for interrupting what should be the most important moment in a person's life.
But I'm compelled to do this by my affection and respect for both of you.
Isn't it possible, that in the heat of recent events, you might be confusing physical attraction for deeper, more sublime emotions? You know, in the psychiatric profession, we have a statement for that little theory of yours: Frasier.
You have to admit you and Candi are as different as night and day.
You are as different as Sam and l.
Frasier, hear me out.
We were, as you are, diametrically opposed personalities.
At first, our differences were charming to us.
I found Sam's lack of refinement and sophistication crudely provocative.
Yeah, and I liked the way her hair smelled.
I'm sure, in addition, you were excited by the intellectual vistas to which I exposed you? No, I really think it was that conditioner.
The point I'm trying to make is that the only thing we had - was a great physical relationship.
- Yeah, and we had a lot of that.
But when we'd go to concerts, Sam would be bored stiff, and I'd be excited, and we'd be on totally different planes.
Yeah, but we caught the same flight once we got home and hit the old Posturepedic.
Don't you see what you're doing here? You feel guilty, at least subconsciously, for rejecting me, and that's causing you to act out.
For once in your life, Frasier, put away your flashcard psychoanalysis and face the truth.
How dare you insult my professional acumen! Here's what I think-- Candi, please, you were not put on this earth to think.
Diane, you are without a doubt-- Oh, my God.
What have I done? What have I said? You said, "l wasn't put on this earth--" No, I know what I said.
I just can't believe I said it.
Candi? I didn't mean it.
Please forgive me.
Yes, you did mean it, Frasier.
And what's more, you're right.
You know, I didn't understand anything anybody was saying except for Sam.
We can't get married, because I don't deserve you.
No, no, I don't deserve you.
I don't deserve to put polish on your toenails.
Although it was the highlight of breakfast.
Maybe we should spend more time together before we take this step.
You mean, like, the weekend? That long? Well, maybe.
I think you've made a very wise decision.
I think we'll be going now.
Listen, I'm-- I'm sorry I snapped at you that way.
It's the first time I've raised my voice to you in anger, and I promise it'll be the last.
That's too bad.
I thought you were kind of sexy when you were mad.
Really? Well, don't just sit there.
Get a move on! Sam, your office is a pigsty.
- See to it.
- Oh, Frasier.
And you know, if we can put a man on the moon, why can't we put metal in a microwave? Diane, I gotta compliment you on the way you handled Frasier.
That was pretty good.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
Yeah, I hate to see a man and woman make a mistake.
- Frasier and Candi.
- Frasier and Candi.
Yeah.
Well, no, no, I mean, you gotta hang out with somebody for a long time.
You gotta really get to know them before you take a big step like that.
Yes.
If something's worthwhile, it's worth waiting for.
Absolutely.
Well.
A lot of people out there waiting for a wedding, and no bride, no groom.
Guess it's up to us, huh? My God, Sam.
I can't believe my ears.
You're serious, aren't you? Oh, no, no.
I just meant that we should go out there and serve those people some drinks.
That's all.
- That's what I meant too.
- No, it isn't.
What did you think I was talking about? - Come on.
- Well, for a moment there, I confess, I thought you were talking about something else.
And what would your answer have been? No, Sam.
That's the sort of question that has to be asked before it can be answered.
Well, if I heard the answer, maybe it would be easier for me to ask the question.
Very well.
The answer is no.
Well, the question was, "Have you ever met a man who gave you the hots more than me?" I'd like to change my answer.
- Fine.
Go on.
- Then the answer is yes.
Well, then the question was, "Do you wanna go to bed with me?" I wanna change my answer again.
Well, that's okay.
And I'll change my question to, "ls there any way that you would not object to not going to bed with me?" Wait a minute.