Family Guy s04e17 Episode Script

Peter, don't forget you have a physical at one o'clock.
For the hundredth time, Lois, I won't forget.
Nag, nag, nag.
I should have married that woman I met on my bachelor party.
I can't believe your friends just left you here.
Let's get you home.
Strange lady.
You're so sexy.
I should marry you tomorrow instead of that pain in the ass Lois.
- It's me.
- You know what? Screw it.
I am so gonna cheat on Lois right now.
I don't care if she finds out.
You got a condom? Never mind.
I got this Milky Way wrapper.
- Put this on.
- Why? I'm skipping my physical to go have steaks with the guys and I don't want Lois to know.
OK.
Lois, I'm going to my physical now.
OK, honey.
I'll see you later.
What the hell.
I'll just ask it.
Why did we need the horse suit? OK.
All right.
That's seven 16-ounce steaks.
Come on, Joe.
You haven't even finished one.
That guy had two.
I know.
I know.
I'm terrible.
Which is why I'm gonna order the cheesecake.
I can't do it.
I'm so full.
Full of what? Oestrogen? Come on, take the skirt off, you pansy.
- Let's go.
Chow down, Mary Jane.
- I said I can't.
- Eat it.
Eat the damn steak.
- No.
- What are you waiting for? - I can't.
No.
No.
No.
I said I'm not hungry.
Where is it now? Where is it now? Easy, sailor.
Easy.
- Put the gun down, Joe.
- Nobody's judging you, man.
It's cool.
I'll put this in your purse, next to your tampons.
All right, let's start the bidding.
Jennifer, how much do you bid on the dinette set? - 675, Bob.
- 675.
Steven? - 780.
- 780.
Tammy? - What was the last bid? - 780.
Fuck you.
- Hi, honey.
How was your physical? - Good, good, good.
Yeah, yeah.
Too good.
You know what the doctor said? The doctor said I was too healthy, you know? In too good of shape.
Don't even know how.
- You didn't go to your physical, did you? - I did not.
So, Doctor? Is Peter healthy? - Goodness.
You'll be dead in a month.
- What? Hägar the Horrible, if you keep up that lifestyle of pillaging and turkey legs, you'll be dead in a month.
- Now on to you.
- So what do you think? Pretty healthy? Well, Mr Griffin, let's take a look at your physical results.
There's a spider in here.
Now, here we go.
Mr Griffin, you're going to expire in a month.
This is your driver's licence, isn't it? I'm afraid you are going to die when you watch these Dean Martin celebrity roasts.
Will you just tell us how Peter's health is? Mr Griffin, I'm not quite sure how to say this.
Kim Bassinger.
- But now on to the cancer.
- My God.
You are a Cancer, right? You were born in July? On to these test results.
My, they're much worse than I thought.
My son got a D minus on his history test.
- Now, that liver's got to come out.
- What? It's been in the microwave for three minutes.
Now Please.
Please, we can't take any more shtick.
Please just tell us.
Is Peter healthy? - He's fine.
He's just really fat.
- Thank God.
Wait, wait, wait.
Hang on a second.
Did you just say I was fat? Well, yeah.
You are pretty fat.
OK.
This is news to me.
This is more awkward than having sex with a rhinoceros who doesn't love you.
Why wouldn't you look at me during? - How was your physical? - Doctor said I was fat.
Can you believe that? - You are on the large side.
- Please, Brian.
If I was fat, could I do this with a Hula Hoop? No, no, no.
I guess you couldn't do that if you were fat.
Careful, Peter.
That's an old family photo.
My mother gave it to me.
That's weird.
- I didn't know you had a brother.
- I don't.
I mean, I don't think so.
Hey, if I'm fat, then Stewie's fat too because we wear the same size Onesie.
- Hello, pumpkin.
- Hello, Daddy.
- Did I miss your piano recital? - No, Daddy.
I'm in my 40s now.
- Good God.
- I had a question I wanted to ask.
Do I have a brother? - No.
No.
Don't be silly.
- Because I found this picture - Dick.
Thank God you're here.
Talk to her.
- Message CM-27.
The subscriber you are trying to reach is unavailable or outside the calling area.
- What do you feel like doing later? - Message CM-42.
Let's go pay some hookers to knock ourjunk around.
- Are you sure this is a good idea? - Daddy will never tell me the truth.
The only way is to check the family records.
Breaking into Grandma and Grandpa's house.
This is more exciting than that time I saw Bobby McFerrin fall down those stairs.
Cool.
- What are you doing? They're sleeping.
- Please.
They get so doped up on sleeping pills and liquor, an earthquake wouldn't wake them up.
My God.
How does she sleep knowing she has to funnel this old duffer's hog? This is it.
"Patrick Pewterschmidt.
I do have a brother.
My God.
I've got to meet him.
Hey, Brian.
You know what'd be fun? God, totally.
Awesome.
Sometimes the old-fashioned playthings are the best.
Hey, kids of America.
It's hand-painted wooden ball in a cup.
Who needs constant electronic video stimulation when there's ball in a cup? Mexico's favourite toy for over 340 years.
Toss the ball, catch it in the cup, dump it out of the cup, toss it, and catch it in the cup again.
The ball is on a string and attached to the cup so there's no worry if you don't catch the ball.
And cleanup is as easy as catching a ball in a cup.
Why spend another day not catching a ball in a cup when you could be catching a ball in a cup? Ball in a cup.
I think you're in denial about this fat thing.
Yeah? Well, I challenge you to prove to me that I'm fat.
- OK, hang on.
See this? - Yeah.
- You know what it is? - It's an apple.
Good, good, good.
All right, watch this.
What the hell? What is this? What is this? Some kind of gag? No.
That's orbit.
- You have your own gravitational pull.
- That's a bunch of crap.
Now The Three Stooges.
Can you believe I'm meeting my long-lost brother? Maybe Dateline will do a story.
I'll get to meet that ass Stone Phillips.
He's the kind of guy you hate till he's inside you.
There it is.
56 Meadow Lane.
Brookfield Insane Asylum? My God.
Mom's brother's crazy.
No.
I didn't catch the ball in the cup.
Wait.
It's OK because the ball is on a string and attached to the cup.
Doctor, is my brother really insane? Mrs Griffin, we don't use the word "insane".
We prefer the term "mentally hilarious".
I can't wait to meet the lunatic.
I bet he's weirder than that commercial I saw.
- Is that butter substitute? - It sure is.
- Is it true it has half the calories of butter? - Yep.
- Can I have some? - Get your own.
- Take that, you bitch.
- What the hell? - How'd you like that? - Joke's on you.
I have hepatitis.
- Patrick? - Yes.
My name's Lois.
I'm your sister.
My God, Lois.
- I never thought I'd see you again.
- These are my children.
Why do you live in a crazy house, Uncle Patrick? Well, when I was just a little boy, I had a very traumatic experience.
Mommy, can I have a drink of water? Jackie Gleason? Beat it, kid.
Your mother's busy.
Right in the kisser.
- That's a horrible story.
- Yes.
I was so traumatised they sent me here.
I guess they must have forgotten about me.
Well, you seem perfectly normal to me.
No brother of mine is gonna be cooped up in some insane asylum.
We are taking you back to Quahog with us.
That's a great idea.
He can bring his sling blade and order some French-fried potatoes.
Thank God I'm out of hospital.
It's great to eat with my family instead of a bunch of chronic masturbators.
- Those people are disgusting.
- Is it lonely up there on your pedestal? Peter, there you are.
This is my brother, Patrick.
Good to meet you.
Listen up, everybody.
I have something to tell you.
I'm not quite sure how to say this.
I'm fat.
Let me give you a minute to absorb that.
That's the way it is.
It's nobody's fault.
Meg.
But I've decided to do something about it.
- You gonna drop some weight, fat-ass? - No, dummy.
I'm gonna help make this a fat man's world by establishing the National Association for the Advancement of Fat People.
This is the best idea I've had since I slayed that dragon.
- Cybill Shepherd? - Yes.
People, you are free.
I'm very glad you're here, Patrick.
Well, I want to tell you that Marian and I both appreciate what you've done.
Marian? You have a girlfriend.
Where are my manners? Marian is my wife.
She's sitting right next to me.
Here we go.
Nice to meet you, Marian.
What's that, honey? Yes.
Hang on.
Marian wants some coffee.
Lois, did you see that? He's nuts.
Brian, he's been locked up in that place for 30 years.
It's perfectly understandable that he'd invent an imaginary companion.
He's more imaginative than the people who invented singing.
All right, everyone, I'd like to get started.
I'd like to get We're start You know what? Maybe everyone should sit down.
OK, that's better.
Welcome, everybody, to the Snacks are best saved for later.
I've prepared an agenda for our organisation, what we want from the community as fat people with pride.
We got a lot accomplished here today.
We'll pick this up again tomorrow.
Hey, guys.
I'm going for a run.
Do me a favour and keep Marian company while I'm gone.
- Sure.
- Great.
Bye, honey.
Hey, Brian.
Marian just called you an alcoholic.
Yeah? Marian just called you a homo.
Wait a second.
I'll be right back.
Hey, Brian, Brian.
What if I put this cucumber right here? Put it right there.
Do you think Patrick would be angry? I don't know, man.
It's his wife.
You don't think he'd be ticked off if I put that right there? Just right in that spot there on the couch? - Hey, Marian's giving you a thumbs up.
- You know what we should do? We should let it sit here for a couple of weeks and see if it pickles.
If after three weeks it pickles, then she's real and we both have to buy Patrick a steak.
Hey, pie.
I know what you want.
I saw you in that movie.
Whore, slut, bitch.
You don't deserve to have sex with me.
I'm gonna eat the whore out of you.
- Peter, did you start a coalition for fat guys? - Yeah.
The fat-guy coalition.
Peter, you shouldn't encourage people to be fat.
Fat people are immoral.
- How do you figure, sports fan? - They're just bad, like that Jackie Gleason.
He was fat and he was bad.
One time when I was a boy I love Jackie Gleason.
Hey, take a look at what I bought at this TV convention.
It's a bus driver's uniform.
Right in the kisser.
Right in the kisser.
Right in the kisser.
Right in the kisser.
Right in the kisser.
Right in the kisser.
Right in the kisser.
Right in the kisser.
Right in the kisser.
Right in the kisser.
That set him off like a Paul Shaffer fire alarm.
- Hello.
- Lois, it's your father.
The hospital said you released Patrick.
Have you lost your mind? He's dangerous.
Well, that's ridiculous.
Patrick is a very nice man.
And you should be ashamed of yourself for locking up your own son.
Whose pickle is this? This just in.
The body of a local fat man was found murdered in Quahog Park last night.
Police released this sketch of the suspect.
My God.
Police also released this sketch of a female accomplice believed to be his wife.
Hello, I'm Tom Tucker.
Quahog's newest serial killer has struck again.
Since the first victim at Quahog Park, three more men have been killed, all of them very very fat.
- Lois, that sketch looks a lot like Patrick.
- That's ridiculous.
He's clearly crazy.
Look at that imaginary wife of his.
If she's imaginary, how do you explain the pickle on the couch? I don't understand what Wait.
Really? - Hey, Stewie.
- I know, I know.
I heard.
Patrick.
Where have you been? It's nothing you need to concern yourself with, Lois.
- Well, that's a relief.
- Yeah, that's a relief.
The fat-guy strangler lives here and there's a fat guy in the house.
This'll be worse than when Peter did Tara Reid's boob job.
Dropped some pepperoni on there.
You know what? That works.
Sew it up.
Michael was one of our brothers.
He was a good man.
He was a kind man.
He was a fat man.
And now he's a dead man.
And we're all next.
The fat-guy strangler's gonna get us.
- He's right.
- Can someone tie my shoe? People, people.
I know what'll make us feel better.
Let us sing the NAAFP anthem.
Make yourselves at home.
Lois, these are the fat guys.
Fat guys, Lois.
My God, look at you fat bastards.
I bet none of you can even find your own penis.
Find your penis for a dollar.
Find your penis, one dollar.
One dollar, find your penis.
- Peter, what's going on? - Lois, my people are in danger.
Until they find the fat-guy strangler, we will stay here.
Victor, don't lean against that.
- Hey, everybody.
- Get these guys out.
Patrick is the murderer.
- What? - You son of a bitch.
Don't listen.
He doesn't know what he's talking about.
Out of my way.
Your brother is toast.
Warm, buttery toast.
- That sounds good.
- I just found my penis.
- Run, Patrick, run.
- After him.
Boys, to your Rascals.
- He went into James Woods.
Let's find him.
- We'll head him off at the Todd, you gotta chew your food.
I know my brother.
He couldn't have done these things.
Well, let's see if you feel that way when you see this.
Look.
So he has pictures of himself strangling fat guys.
- That doesn't mean he's the fat-guy strangler.
- What about the dead fat guy under his bed? - Coincidence? - What about the half-dead fat guy? - Patrick tried to kill me.
- It's a different Patrick.
- Lois.
- OK, OK.
- My God.
Peter's out there with him.
- Wait.
You gonna eat that dead fat guy? - How are we gonna find them? - I'm good at finding people.
I found Bush after Hurricane Katrina.
- Mr President, are you up there? - Go away.
- Sir, there's a disaster.
- I'm reading Superfudge.
- You gotta deal with this.
- Don't make me do stuff.
Patrick.
Patrick.
Crap.
We lost him.
Nothing left to do but finish this sentence uninterrup - Patrick, let him go.
- Don't come any closer.
Patrick, let him go, or Marian gets it.
Nice try, but Marian's over there.
Don't hurt her.
- Now let him go.
- OK.
OK.
- You missed.
- No, I didn't.
That's for rolling up the window when I tried to jump into the General Lee.
I'm sorry, Lois.
I never meant to hurt anybody.
I did mean to kill those fat guys, but I never meant to hurt you.
You may be very sick, Patrick, but I love you.
You're my brother and you'll always be my brother.
- I have to go back to the hospital, don't I? - Yeah.
I'm afraid so.
Patrick, did you see how that rock hit me in the face? It was like, right in the kisser.
Right in the kisser.
Stop screaming.
You can't hear me.
Right in the kisser.
Right in the kisser.
- I miss Uncle Patrick.
- Don't worry.
- I promise we can visit him once a month.
- We'll be his period.
I was just upstairs and there's a half-dead fat guy eating a dead fat guy.
So I guess we're looking the other way.