Frasier s04e17 Episode Script

- Niles.
- I'm sorry to drop by unannounced, - but I need your help.
- Of course.
Sherry? Please.
As you know, ever since I moved into The Montana, I've been angling to meet our most famous tenant, Esmë Bing, the walnut queen.
Well, I finally cornered her in the ornamental garden by the wishing well, and I felt very pleased with myself.
That is, until the walnut queen invited me to a ball.
Now I have a problem.
Yes, your life has become an operetta.
No, it's a charity ball.
And when I say "invited," I mean she let me buy a table for ten - at $5000.
- Oh, no.
I have until Sunday to sell eight $500 tickets.
- Say no more.
- Oh.
- It's a bit steep, but if it's for charity - Thanks, Frasier.
- It is a very worthy cause.
- All right.
- Well, who should I make this out to? - To the Esmerelda Bing lnternational - Right.
Doll Museum.
You do have a problem.
I thought you prided yourself - on supporting the arts.
- The arts, Niles.
Not the crafts.
I told you, I can't do it now.
Sherry's taking me out for our third-month anniversary, and I gotta get a new sport coat.
You cannot skip your exercises again.
You skipped them yesterday.
This is the only time Sherry can go shopping with me.
And I can't go without her.
There isn't a woman alive with her fashion sense.
Carmen Miranda having passed on.
I should think having a lady friend would make you exercise more, not less.
I don't mean to be indelicate, but a man in your condition who wants to enjoy certain, shall we say, indoor sports should take steps to make sure that cranky old Mr Hip doesn't, shall we say, let down the team, if you get my meaning.
Oh, don't you worry about me.
I may not be rookie of the year anymore, but I can still move around the bases.
- Oh, hey, Martin.
- Oh, look, a scout from the majors.
- See you later.
Gotta run.
ROZ: Okay, bye.
- Well, Roz, this is a surprise.
- Big news.
- Gertie Olsen's leaving the station.
- What, from Gertie's Grab Bag? - I love that show.
FRAZIER: Oh, please.
That homily-spouting hausfrau is the most embarrassing thing on the air.
- So she finally got canned, eh? - No, she got a million-dollar TV deal.
Good news for Gertie, and for the many atheists who will welcome this new proof of their theory.
Well, anyway, they're auditioning people for her time slot, and I'm gonna go for it.
What do you mean, your own show? Oh, Roz, that's exciting.
And what better way to celebrate an exciting new career move, than spending this Sunday at a swanky society ball.
Oh, drop it, Niles! Roz, I must say, this comes as bit of a surprise.
DAPHNE: I never knew you wanted your own show.
Well, it's the whole reason I got into radio.
I had my own show in college, and when I started working at the station, I just sort of got stuck on the producing side.
Well, what kind of show did you have in mind? I thought I'd talk about stuff I know.
You know, the singles' life in Seattle.
Dating, fashion, where to meet available men.
If you're looking for an event that'll be crawling with single men, - this particular gala should be just - Niles! Anyway, Frasier, I hope you'll support me on this.
Well I hate to lose you, but of course I'll support you.
Thank you, Frasier.
You're the best.
- Well - Well, listen, as long as I've got you all here, I'm putting together a tape, and I could use people to pretend to be callers.
FRAZIER: We'd be glad.
- Sounds like fun.
- I'll come back tonight.
FRAZIER: All right.
And, Daphne, I need at least one spicy call.
Could you pretend to be a woman who doesn't believe in sex without love, but just feels so horny sometimes she wants to jump anything in pants? Well, I'll try.
And while I'm at it, I'll see if I can fake a British accent.
ROZ: Good afternoon, Seattle.
I'm Roz Doyle, and this is Love Matters.
Today we're chatting with merchant seaman Steve Baron from Bellingham.
Tell me, Steve, what do you look for in an ideal date? When my shipmates and I put into port after several weeks at sea Cut.
I'm sorry, Frasier, but you don't sound like a merchant seaman.
Point well taken.
Let's try again.
All right.
So, Steve, what do you look for in an ideal date? When my shipmates and I put into port after several weeks at sea, the first thing we do is Head for the antique sales.
Fine, smarty pants.
You play Steve then.
No.
Never mind.
Let's just go on to my next idea.
Daphne? Okay, you be the girlfriend in a couple who wants to spice things up in the bedroom.
- Niles, will you be her boyfriend? - Yes.
Okay.
I'm here with Fred and Patty.
Tell me, you two, what made you think that your sex life needed a little jump-start? It's all his fault.
He just seems to have lost interest in me.
I've done everything I can to entice him.
I've I've served dinner wearing nothing but high heels and an apron.
I've called him at the office and talked dirty.
And last night when he came home, I was lying in bed wearing a whipped-cream teddy.
But did he care? No! And none of this turned you on, Fred? Fred? That's nothing.
You should hear the other things that didn't turn me on.
Tell me about them, Patty.
Let's cut to the chase.
Patty, men are like fish.
When you first hook them, they wriggle around like crazy.
But once you finally reel them in, they just lie there with that glassy look.
- I'd throw this one back.
- That's terrible advice.
- No, it isn't.
- Yes, it is.
You have no idea how Fred really feels about Daphne Patsy.
- Patty.
- Patty.
- This is pointless.
- No, Roz, you were doing just fine.
No, I was terrible.
I wasn't helpful.
I wasn't smart.
I wasn't even sassy.
Well, well, perhaps not sassy, but you were certainly saucy.
That borders on sassy.
Roz! Hello, Mr Crane.
How was your romantic evening with Sherry? Oh, it was fine.
Fine.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Hey, Daph, how about getting that exercise mat out? We'll do some stretches, huh? Ah.
Can't right now.
I'm helping Roz with her audition tape.
MARTIN: Well, how long's it gonna take? What are you so eager for? Oh, I get the picture.
Not too limber with Sherry this evening, were we? Two hips but no hooray? Very funny.
Well, you haven't exactly been burning it up in the romance department either.
What do you know about my love life? DAPHNE [ON RECORDER.]
: I was lying in bed wearing a whipped-cream teddy.
But did he care? It takes a little time to get the hang of it at first.
My God, you should've heard my audition tape.
- I was so inept it was incredible.
- That's true.
Well Oh, you mean Well, you heard it.
All right, then you see what perseverance There was a bootleg copy floating around the station for months.
Yes, well, fine.
So you get my point then.
- Yeah, people still play it at parties.
- Well, all right, Roz! Hey, Roz, I hear you're trying out for a new job.
Yes, as a matter of fact, I am.
And you could really help me with my demo.
- What do I do? - I just want an honest answer.
- I want to talk to you about first dates.
- Okay.
Are you sure Dad's the best candidate for this particular subject? Quick survey.
How many Crane men here with a girlfriend? No, no.
Keep them up while I count.
All right, here.
- Sure, I'll help you.
ROZ: Great.
- Okay, Frasier FRAZIER: Just a minute.
Here we are.
ROZ: Start the tape.
FRAZIER: Yes.
ROZ: We're here with Martin, and we're talking about first dates.
Martin, tell me some of the tricks you use to impress women.
Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you, Roz, but I really don't know any tricks.
I mean, if a woman agrees to go out with me, I'd Well, I'm not there to impress her or to play cool.
I'm there because I want to know her.
You know, what she thinks, what she likes.
So that if I'm lucky enough to get another date, I can plan something that I know she'd like to do.
I guess I'm still old-fashioned or something, but I think you should treat a woman like a queen.
Bow to the master, boys.
Bow to the master.
- Hey, Bebe! - Bulldog Briscoe, my absolute favourite client! Hello, Bebe.
And Frasier Crane! Alert the judges, we have a tie! Hello.
Oh, my goodness, what a flock.
These all yours? Yes.
The minute I heard about the auditions, I piled all my hottest new discoveries into the van.
- You brought them in a van? - I call it my Bebe's Stars of Tomorrow Tour.
People, I want you to meet Frasier Crane.
FRAZIER: Hello.
- The caringest client - an agent ever had.
- Well Frasier, this is Professor Pete, the human encyclopaedia.
Ask him anything.
He can't be stumped.
Well, all right.
Explain Freud's theory of the superego.
Sigmund Freud, noted psychiatrist, was born in Vienna.
- But that's not what I asked.
- He believed dreams had secret meanings.
He just pulls it out of the air.
But if it's a raucous political debate you want, meet newlyweds Hank and Hannah Finch.
- Hello, Hank.
- He's a right-wing Baptist preacher, she's a fun-loving bisexual.
Conflicts? You bet! - Have you ever seen such talent? - Well God, they're pathetic.
- Frasier, Frasier! FRAZIER: Roz.
- It went really well.
- Oh, God, I'm so happy for you.
Do you know what he actually said? At this moment, - I am the candidate to beat! - Congratulations, Roz.
- That's fabulous.
ROZ: Okay.
- I'm gonna get set up for the show.
- Okay.
- I'm so excited.
- Okay.
Well, rah-rah for little Roz! Yes, well, I'm really thrilled for her.
I am.
But God knows where I'm gonna find another producer I feel so in sync with.
You know, Hank Finch produced hygiene films in the Army.
No, no.
Bebe, I don't think so.
Oh, I'm not proud to admit this, but there is a small part of me that hopes she doesn't get the job.
God, I feel guilty just saying that.
You're so good.
Everything makes you feel guilty.
I'm so proud to represent you.
You're like a modern-day what's-his-name.
Pete! Famous German doctor, built a hospital in Africa.
- Albert something? - Hang on.
- Schweitzer.
- No And that's it for our show today.
But before I sign off, this final note to Karla, who called us early from the planet Fripton.
The technical term for your condition, which eluded me earlier, is schizophreniform disorder.
Or in layman's terms: God, you know once in a while, it's nice to just call them as I see them.
ROZ: Hey, what's going on out here? FRAZIER: Oh, good Lord, is it someone's birthday? I hate to be the one to break it to you, but Brenda from the newsroom got the job.
- Brenda? - Oh, Roz.
It's total BS.
Listen, if you need a little comforting later Hey, Brenda, all right! Wait up! I'm there for you.
- Roz, I'm so sorry.
- Oh, hell.
I'll be okay.
Guess I'd better go congratulate the winner.
Right.
Bebe, did you hear what happened to Roz? - Yes.
No need to thank me, darling.
- What? What are you talking about? I spoke to the station manager.
I told him just how you'd feel if he gave Roz the job.
You did what? Get in here! I said that Frasier Crane wasn't about to work for a station - that would steal his producer away.
- Oh.
A bluff, of course, but he crumbled like a matzo.
God, how could you? When I told you I'd hate to lose Roz, I didn't mean for you - to sabotage her.
- You didn't? Oh, no.
What a horrible misunderstanding.
Wink! I mean it.
Oh, I see.
So when you said in that off-handed way that you hoped that Roz wouldn't get the job, I totally misinterpreted you.
- Wink! - Will you stop winking! My God, I could never want such a thing! God, maybe there's some way I can still reverse this.
Oh, that was fun.
I got to watch Brenda sign her new contract.
Roz, I think what they did to you is monstrous.
I wish I could stay here and console you, but my people are waiting for me in the van.
I hope someone cracked a window.
Listen, Roz, there's something we need to talk about.
Oh, Frasier, I know what you're gonna say.
That I tried my best.
That I deserved it.
I'm fine with this, really.
Yeah, I gave it a shot.
That's what counts.
I didn't get it.
[CRYING.]
It's not like my life is over.
Oh.
Oh, no.
Oh.
Oh, look at me.
I'm so busy feeling sorry for myself I haven't even thanked you for all your help.
- That's not necessary.
- No, it is.
Look how close you helped me get.
It's because of you that I was second choice.
I can't argue with that.
Come for a second.
Listen, there's something I need to confess to you.
You know, as much as I hoped that you'd get the job, there was a very small part of me, a very selfish part, that That hoped you wouldn't.
Oh, that's not bad.
That's really kind of sweet.
Well, I'm glad to hear you feel that way because I happened to mention those feelings to Bebe.
- Bebe? You told Bebe? - It was just in passing.
Oh, great.
She torpedoed me, didn't she? Yes.
She told Doug that I'd quit if you got the job.
- I don't believe this.
- I'm glad to see you're as mad - at her as I am! - I'm mad at you! - Me? - How could do that? It was just an off-hand remark.
How was I to know how she'd react? She's Bebe! If you had said you liked my eyes, they would've been on your desk tomorrow in a Tiffany box.
Oh, God! Roz, I'm so sorry.
Just tell me how I can make it up to you.
I promise I will.
- You mean it? - Yes.
Anything.
Just name it.
- Fire Bebe.
- Will that? Well How many things? Isn't there something else you'd like? The only thing I wanted was that job.
And she took it away.
I am not just suggesting this for my sake.
I'm suggesting it for yours.
She is your representative.
When she goes out into the world lying and twisting your words and stabbing people in the back, it reflects badly on you.
You're right, Roz.
How can I consider myself an ethical person when I have the princess of darkness conducting my business for me? Well, that's it.
I'm gonna have to fire that conniving harpy.
I'm very proud of you.
I'm ashamed to think how long I've turned a blind eye on her unscrupulous behaviour.
And what for? Twenty-percent pay increase? Six-week paid vacation.
An expense account.
A travel allowance.
- Frasier! - Well, not anymore.
VERA: Frasier Crane's here.
He's not alone.
Have a seat.
Frasier, Roz.
My two favourite people.
- Not for long.
- Bebe, we've got to discuss what happened this morning.
This time you won't wink your way out of it.
This sounds serious.
You two come right in, and we'll solve this thing.
Let's just promise to be totally honest with each other.
We're losing one.
Code red.
What can I get you? Champagne? ROZ: Nothing.
- A massage? - No, thank you.
BEBE: You're sure? Vladimir can be here in five minutes.
He will play your spine like a Steinway.
Can we just get started? Roz, I'm just a wreck about our misunderstanding today.
- Can you ever forgive me? - No.
Why should you? I don't forgive myself.
Bebe, what you did today was unfair, not just to Roz, but to me.
Thanks to you, a strain has been put on our relationship, both professionally and personally.
Now all of this I might be able to let go had it been an isolated incident, but I've observed that it's just part of a pattern Are you quite all right? It's nothing.
It's just a silly little cardiac thing.
Go, go! You're distracting my client, and my clients come first.
Oh, poor little Bebe.
How many fake pills do you have to take every day? Yes, did you really think you could deceive us sitting there popping a bunch of Digitalis? Oh, my God! You really are sick! Well, of course I'm sick.
But it makes me even sicker to think that I've angered you when all I wanted to do was keep the best damn team in radio together.
Oh, God.
We're gonna need a shovel to get out of here.
Yes, all right, Bebe.
Be that as it may, I still [PHONE RINGS.]
I told you, no calls.
What about my sister? One second.
Did the air bag deploy? Look, I'm gonna have to call you back.
Frasier's here, and my clients come first.
I'm sorry.
You were saying? Since the moment we met, you have shown yourself to be ruthless and untrustworthy.
As these are qualities I do not wish to have associated with my name, It's best that we part [PHONE RINGS.]
- What did I say about calls? LITTLE GIRL: Auntie Bebe? Oh, Suzy.
Sorry to hear about your mummy's accident.
I'm frightened, Auntie Bebe.
Don't be, little one.
If Mummy goes to heaven, will you take care of me? Of course, my little lamb.
Assuming that I have the resources.
Bebe, you know, I can't help noticing that none of your outside lines are lit up.
The bulbs are broken.
Auntie has to go.
I'm with a client, and you know what we say about clients.
They always come first.
- You are amazing.
- Is there nothing you won't stoop to? BEBE: I had no idea who I was speaking to! How dare you impersonate my niece! I've had enough of your cruel jokes! You're fired, Mother! - I just wanna say - No! Stop! Not one more crooked word! Your tongue could open a wine bottle! As of now, Frasier Crane has resigned from your coven.
Oh, that's it, is it? I'm not virtuous enough for you? Not noble? Fine, quit! Next time you need a deal made, call the Dalai Lama! A long time ago I had to make a choice between being a good agent and a good person, because, trust me, you can't be both! So forgive me if I don't have time to make everybody feel warm and fuzzy.
I am just too busy spending every waking minute pulling any string, playing any shameless trick I can to make my clients' dreams come true.
I am a star maker! And if you can't appreciate that, there are plenty who can.
How about you? You want an agent? - Oh, please! - You mean it? FRAZIER: Roz! I never had an agent.
It's not like she worships the devil.
Well, she doesn't have to.
He worships her! You're absolutely right, Frasier.
Forget it, Bebe.
No way.
That voice.
I could listen to it all day.
It's pure, yet smouldering like a nun with a past.
- You think so? - No, Roz, don't look her in the eye.
I could triple your salary.
Voiceovers, commercials Roz, listen to me.
For God's sake, if you've got the tiniest shred of sense or dignity left, remember what this woman did to you this afternoon.
And renounce her.
She has no scruples.
No ethics.
And no reflection! ROZ: Let's get out of here.
Well, nice doing business with you.
Wink! Oh, damn it.
Frasier, I forgot my purse.
- All right.
ROZ: Just be a minute.
- Lunch tomorrow? - 12:30.
Bernardi's.
Gotcha.