Roseanne s04e17 Episode Script

Boy, this movie sucks, Dan.
I didn't make it, dear.
Well, you rented it.
It's saturday.
Everybody's renting saturday.
There wasn't nothing left.
You got to get the friday night people when they're coming back.
Check their returns and stick with them.
Maybe there's something on TV.
No.
It's saturday night.
I don't want to watch regular TV.
You want to go out somewheres? I'm too tired.
Maybe just go to sleep.
It's only 8:30.
If we go to bed now, We'll get up at, like, And we'll have nothing to do again.
When did we pass away, Dan? I can't believe you.
I don't know what your problem is.
Maybe that's the problem! Forget it! Don't slam that door on me! Hey, finally, something worth watching.
I didn't know anybody at that party And you ditch me for your friends.
Andy got a new car, we went for a ride.
As long as you're having fun, that's all that counts, right? What was I supposed to do, Mark? Do what you always do, sit in the corner and whine about my friends.
You don't care about me at all.
Not this again.
When was the last time we did something I wanted to do? You wanted to leave the party, and we left.
Go back there so you can be with your friends who are more important than I am.
That's garbage.
Well, what about thanksgiving, huh? I don't like hanging out with your parents.
Nobody wants to hang out with my parents! You would have been doing it for me.
So one time.
All the time.
We have this same fight whenever we go out.
When will this change? We're not going to talk about our relationship, are we? We don't have a relationship anymore.
What's that mean? It means I'm sick of it.
I'm sick of fighting, the way you treat me.
I'm sick of you! Goodbye, Mark.
How was the party, Becky? Oh, I hate him.
I hope he dies.
You want to talk about it? There's nothing to talk about anymore.
It's over.
Boy.
Maybe she's really going to dump this guy now.
What do you think we ought to do? Let's go dancing! Lambada! Hey, Dan, are you working tomorrow night? No.
Because there's a PTA meeting over at D.
J.
's school.
O.
k.
I'll come home early and drop you off.
You're going.
Why? D.
J.
doesn't care.
He's a typical third grader.
What will they tell me I don't already know? That he's in fourth grade.
And you're still eating paste? Jackie, can you do me a favor? What do you need, Darlene? My friends want to see this R-rated movie, And it's my turn to bring the adult.
You're not going to any R-rated movie.
It's not sex, mother.
It's violence.
Oh, o.
k.
Sorry, Darlene.
I'm busy.
Well, maybe Stacy can find someone.
Who's Stacy, like, your new friend? Yeah.
Yeah, well, what's she like? Just a kid in my class.
Ninth grade? Yeah, all right.
Well, who else is going? Punks-- Hyped up on dope and out for blood.
Well, take a sweater.
This is great.
Darlene's finding friends her own age, getting out of the house.
Well, it beats having her sit in her room all depressed and psycho-like.
Yeah.
Becky, you going out tonight? Real funny, dad.
Great going, Dan.
Brilliant.
Well, I didn't mean anything by it.
The girl just broke up with her boyfriend, For god sakes.
God, you're such a man.
Should I go up and talk to her? You're the last person she needs to talk to.
She needs her mother.
And her aunt.
Dad, why did mom call you a man like that? Well, um Because she's mad at me, Deej.
I thought it was good to be a man.
Oh, no.
Not since the late sixties, son.
Wait a minute.
I ought go in there with you.
I can handle it.
You don't know anything about breaking up or getting hurt.
You married the first guy you ever dated.
You think that doesn't hurt? I have something to contribute here.
I'll call you when I need you, Jackie.
What am I supposed to do, just stand here? No, stand here.
See, you can hear everything that goes on If we're not in the bathroom.
Hey.
Well, you must be really happy.
Oh, Becky, you know that's not true.
How can I be happy when you're so miserable? Because you always hated him.
Because he's a jerk.
Right? Well, if you feel he's a jerk, I'll have to respect that.
He's such a scum.
He didn't love me.
Cared about his stupid hair more than he cared about me.
Let it out.
Where was he going with his life anyway? He was such a loser.
I miss him so much.
Oh, well, of course you do, honey.
Gee, you were dating him for what to hurt a little.
But I'm a mess.
I don't want to eat.
I can't sleep.
I've been crying for two days.
How is my life going to get any worse? Now, Jackie.
Thank you very much, Roseanne.
Oh, great.
The whole family's going to come in here? We love you.
We're going to see you through this.
I don't even know why I care.
I broke up with him.
That doesn't mean that you don't still love him.
Where you going with this, Jackie? But just because you love him doesn't mean that he's good for you.
Right.
It just seemed there were more bad times than good times.
There you go.
I don't know if I'll feel this way about anybody else.
Maybe not.
He was your first serious boyfriend, That well always be special.
Another guy will come along, and hopefully, he'll be rich, and that'll be the end of it.
Mmm, nobody's going to ask me out again.
Are you kidding? They'll be lined up around the block.
Sure.
You're pretty.
And you're smart.
You really think so? Yes.
There's a ton of boys waiting to hear Mark's out of the picture.
What if the next guy's a creep, too? Then you'll know a lot sooner.
Eventually you'll meet some guy who's not a creep.
Even better than that, you'll meet a guy who's everything you wanted and makes you really, really happy.
Of course, you can never let him know that.
Well, this one's done.
Already, how can I charge for three hours' labor when you're done in 45 minutes? You want me to start on the next one? Don't you want to get out of here? You saying I got nothing to do? I can get a date.
I just happen to need the cash.
You're not going to run out of here crying, are you? [Doorbell jingles.]
Customer.
Oh, jeez.
Hi, honey.
What are you doing here? You told me you'd check the antifreeze.
Let me get my coat.
O.
k.
Uh, listen, I'm sorry about the other night.
Yeah, me, too.
I know you didn't mean to say anything stupid.
Thanks, sweetheart.
Hey, Becky.
Hello, Mark.
I'll leave you two alone.
Why would we want to be alone? I don't know that answer to that.
I heard you out here.
I figured you might want this back.
Fine.
I got to get back to work, so Well I guess it takes a big man to return an earring.
He's still working here? Umyes? You're letting him work here after the way he treated me? You can't expect me to fire him just because you broke up.
Yes, I do.
I can't.
You only hired him 'cause of me.
I hired him because he's a good mechanic.
You don't care how I feel.
Of course I do.
He was horrible to me.
Becky, this is business.
He's earned the right to work here.
I'm not going to fire him.
I guess we can see whose side you're on.
Thanks, dad.
[Door slams.]
So am I fired? No, no.
I need a mechanic.
But I can't have her mad at me all the time.
I got to find something that'll make her happy and me happy.
Mind if I smack you around? New guy tonight, huh? Yup.
What's his problem? There is no problem.
Dean happens to be a really great guy.
The kind of guy who doesn't make me wait for him.
The kind of guy who asks me what I want to do.
Maybe you can train him to treat you like crap.
When are you going to run away? You hate Mark now? No, I'm just glad it's over.
Are you going to have sex with Dean? Of course.
I'll have sex with every guy I meet from now on.
Dean's o.
k.
with this? Shut up.
All I meant was you slept with Mark.
So? Well, are you sorry you did? No.
I really did love him.
I just wish he'd turned out to be halfway human.
Yeah.
I'm going to miss the guy.
Oh, please.
I'm serious.
Even when I was really depressed, I could always laugh at old stupid.
Just do me a favor, and leave Dean alone.
All right.
Wait a minute.
If I go down there And this Dean guy's got some sweltering zit on his forehead Oh, jeez.
Am I supposed to let that go? I dislocated my shoulder in practice, But I wouldn't miss that last game, So I didn't tell anybody.
Must've been killing you.
If you can't play with pain, you should be on the tennis team.
Listen to this knee.
[Knee pops.]
Man, that thing really pops.
I did it in jayvee.
There's no cartilage.
That's bone on bone.
Cool.
Here's some more chips.
Dean hurt himself in football just like I did.
You got drunk and fell off the bus, too? I hurt it in a game.
The bus thing just aggravated it.
Hey, Dean.
Hey, you look fantastic.
Thanks, I guess you've met everybody.
This is my sister Darlene.
Hi.
Nothing.
Well, let's go.
Let me get your coat.
He's helping her with her coat.
This guy is so great, Roseanne.
It was nice to meet you all.
Be home by 11:00.
Or 12:00.
Oh, my god! Oh, my god! He's incredible! I love him! I want to date him myself! Isn't he perfect, Roseanne? He's history, Dan.
What are you talking about? She thought he was great.
It was so obvious.
He's what's known as the transition guy.
Dead before he pulled into the driveway, Dan.
Better off forgetting all about Dustin.
Dave.
Whatever.
He's the poor slob stuck in-between the first boyfriend and the next boyfriend.
No.
No, no.
It doesn't have to work like that.
Roseanne, you never had a transition guy.
What do you think you are, Dan? Isn't he coming back? I'll explain it to you someday.
But I liked him.
He didn't call me jerk-weed.
He didn't know you, D.
J.
I don't believe this.
Well There'll be lots of other boys, honey.
Nice boys.
Won't be nicer than Dean.
Well, you'll love them in a different way, Dan.
You knew this guy was dead from the beginning? Why do you think I tried to unload the salt-free chips on him? In the future, please give me a clue before I let some strange guy listen to my knee.
Here's the way it works, Dan.
The next guy you hate, he's the keeper.
I got a poker game.
That's good.
Get yourself out there.
Get on with your life.
Well At least I'll know what to do When this happens with Darlene.
Look how cute you are.
I hate this.
Poor guy.
Doesn't even have a clue.
Yeah, it's like somebody moved his food dish.
Well, I guess we'd better get going.
What are we doing tonight? Well, it was Crystal's pick, So she's got us going to some self-help seminars.
Oh, no.
Well, you know how Crystal is lately.
She's a basket case, So she needs to network with other basket cases.
But what are we supposed to do? We'll just sit in the back and make fun of everybody.
O.
k.
How's your back? Um, pretty good.
You going to physical therapy? Yeah, twice a week, And I'm sticking to my diet.
I'm doing all right.
Yeah? What about your exercise? What about your love life? [Doorbell rings.]
I'll get it.
Hi, Mark.
Hey.
Can you tell Becky I'm here? Um, Becky isn't home right now, Mark.
Her car's out front.
She's not home.
Is she out with that Dean guy? I don't know if that's any of your business, Mark.
I'm going to be in the kitchen.
You've told her I called? Yes, Mark.
Yeah, I'm sure.
Are you calling me a liar? I got a husband and a boss.
I have no need to lie to you.
So why didn't she call me back then? Maybe she doesn't want to.
Maybe when she said it was over, it really was over.
Like you had nothing to do with that either.
You think she listens to me? You've always put me down, called me a jerk.
And the more names I called you, the more I shelled out for birth control pills.
You're the reason we broke up.
If you'd treated me decent-- I would've treated you like a king if you'd shown my daughter any respect.
If once you'd thought about her before yourself, you wouldn't need to be trying to blame this on me.
Quit wasting my time and get out of my house.
Fine.
Whoa.
You really nuked him.
I don't know, Jackie.
Gee, I've dreaming about laying into that punk for a yeah and a half.
I finally get the chance, And I forgot to make fun of his hair.
I wish you'd respect that I don't eat meat.
What are you talking about? This is pepperoni.
I don't think an animal should die just to feed us.
Oh, come on, Darlene.
[Doorbell rings.]
This stuff's made of the hair, teeth, and tail.
Nothing the little piggy can't live without.
Yeah? Flowers for Becky Connor.
O.
k.
Thanks.
Becky! Who do you think those are from? Who else? Dean, Dean, the son-in-law machine.
Rosie, come on out here.
Hurry up! What? Looky here.
Dan, you actually remembered Valentine's day? Yeah.
Just now.
What? Aww Sorry.
That's o.
k.
, what you're getting me will be way better.
I can't believe it.
These are from Mark.
No.
It can't be.
Yeah.
Listen to this-- "Dear Becky, thinking of you first for a change.
I love you, Mark.
" Too little too late, huh, Becky? I'm going to find something to put these in.
Man, this is all your fault.
You shouldn't have called her till you changed that card.
He wouldn't have sent them flowers without your big speech about respect.
If you'd fired him, he wouldn't be able to afford flowers.
All right.
Old stupid's coming back.
We don't know that.
Dad, thanks for not firing him.
You were so right.
And you thought he was a jerk.
Hi.
Remember me? I played Dean in tonight's episode of Roseanne.
Now, I don't know about you, but I thought Dean was the kind of character I'd like to see again.
Mark, he's all wrong for Becky.
And Dean can make her happy.
There's no reason Becky couldn't fall in love with Dean.
They just have to write it that way.
If you feel like I do, let's bring Dean back.
You can make a difference.
Just drop a card or make a phone call-- [Roseanne.]
shouldn't you be washing my car? Hey, keep your pants on! I'm talking here! Uh-oh.