Everybody Hates Chris s04e18 Episode Script

( Gary Numan's "Cars" playing) CHRIS: When I was 16, I crossed a major milestone for teenagers.
I finally got my driver's license.
# Here in my car # CHRIS: The difference between taking the bus and being able to drive was obvious.
Hey, Tasha, I'm going down to Alby Square.
You want to come? Are you taking the bus? Yeah.
No.
CHRIS: Did I mention I have a two-for-one bus pass? Hey, Tasha, I'm going down to Alby Square.
You want to come? Yeah.
I was just about to go there.
Bye, Chris.
See you downtown.
( laughs ) ( laughing ) CHRIS: Back home at dinner, the only thing I was hungry for was a car.
Boy, this is not a library.
CHRIS: If it was, you'd be quiet.
I'm sorry-- I'm looking for a good deal on a used car.
A car? Yeah.
Since I have my license, I figured I should have a car.
Did you figure I would tell you you were crazy? If Chris gets a car, can I have a football helmet? For what? Because I don't want to be on the street unprotected.
I think you should get a Suzuki Samurai.
CHRIS: That's because he thought the car came with a sword.
But if you don't get a Samurai, you should get a Audi 5000.
That way, when you leave a place, you're, like, "Yo, I'm Audi 5000, and then you'd be in one-- that'd be cool.
ROCHELLE: Chris is not getting a car.
Come on, Ma, I saved up $300, I got my license-- what else do I need? My permission.
$300? That's a lot of dollars.
CHRIS: If he's old enough to save up that kind of money, he's old enough to spend it on what he wants.
CHRIS: It's a good thing I was too young for strip clubs.
# Ah, make it funky now # CHRIS: I soon found out that buying a used car wasn't easy.
You had to watch out for scams.
$300? That car's gone.
But we got this one.
Only $15,000.
$300 down, $300 a month for 300 months.
CHRIS: And some deals were just too good to be true.
That's right, little dude.
This car is brand-new.
And I'm gonna let you have it for only $300.
Hey, fool! Get off my new car! All right, all right.
CHRIS: But sometimes the best deals are right under your nose.
This car is you, nephew! Let me take another picture.
Yeah you are hot! That's it right there, nephew, that's it.
This is it.
I don't know.
I think I want to look around a little bit more.
What for? That's a good car.
Radio works, no dents, you got a spare in the back, and it only costs $300.
Plus, you can't even see the hole in the backseat where the girl shot at me over a chicken sandwich.
There's a lot of people pay a lot more money for a car like that.
Then why haven't you sold it already? Classified ads are expensive.
If you hadn't called me, I would've kept it for myself.
CHRIS: And trade it to somebody for a sandwich.
Hey, Chris.
Did I just see you driving that car? Yeah, I'm thinking about buying it.
Wow.
You're buying a car? Yeah.
TASHA: Look at you.
Well, make sure I get a ride.
Maybe we can go shopping.
All right.
CHRIS: And you could spend the rest of your money on her.
I'll take it! Cool.
I'm gonna go upstairs and get a pen so I can sign over the pink slip.
Here.
That's for you.
Ha-ha! CHRIS: While I was checking out my new ride, Drew was checking out his new pen.
Now you have clothes now you don't.
Drew.
Let me borrow that pen.
Huh? Let me borrow your pen.
Oh, uh, this pen doesn't work.
I'll go get you one.
CHRIS: That's not suspicious at all.
Whew! CHRIS: And while Drew acted like he wasn't hiding anything, Tonya was acting like my mom.
I don't need this! My man has twojobs! Hmm.
CHRIS: Someday she's gonna make somebody a great ex-wife.
Cigarettes? "Surgeon General's Warning: "Smoking causes lung cancer, heart disease, emphysema, and may complicate pregnancy.
" Hmm.
Good thing they got these filters.
CHRIS: While Tonya was dressing like my mother, Drew was undressing his pen.
( laughs quietly ) CHRIS: While Drew was hiding his pen, my dad was trying to find a winner.
Lakemuffin? I wonder if he's related to Seabiscuit.
Hey, Dad.
You got a pen? Uh what do you need a pen for? For Uncle Michael.
Oh.
No.
What are you doing? Nothing.
CHRIS: Nothing he wantsyou to know about.
Have you seen my sports magazine? No.
CHRIS: She better quit fake smoking, or she'll get fake cancer.
What are you doing in here? I was playing.
Play somewhere else.
Go play with matches.
Hey, Ma, do you have a pen for Uncle Michael? I think there's one upstairs-- I'll go get it for you.
Cool.
CHRIS: Meanwhile, Tonya was hiding cigarettes like she was in prison.
Tonya? Do you have a pen? For what? For me not to smack the smart out of you.
Now, find a pen and give it to Drew.
Hey, babe.
Hey.
Have you have we got a pen? You mean like this one? ( chuckles ) Okay.
Thanks.
( quietly ) Right there.
Hey, man, you got that pen? Uh, Mom's bringing one.
Here, Drew, here's a pen.
Oh.
Here you go, Uncle Michael.
Sweet! ( music playing) Big man! Hey, Michael.
Here's that pen, Drew.
This house is full of pens! What's going on? Chris just bought my car! JULIUS: Congratulations.
So, you got a car, huh? Yeah.
You sign that pink slip? Sure did.
Here you go.
Want to go for a drive? Yeah.
Right after you get it registered, pay the title transfer fees, get plates, insurance.
And you're gonna need some gas.
CHRIS: The only person more excited about me getting a car was Greg.
Oh, man, this is awesome! This isn't like when you had your dad's car.
This car's yours.
We can go to the shore to get girls, we can drive into Manhattan to get girls, we can go to Coney Island to get girls.
You do realize it's still gonna be us in the car, right? It doesn't matter-- cars equal girls.
Every weekend and week night, this world's gonna be our oyster.
CHRIS: Sidekicks are always ready to go at a moment's notice.
They're never aware of all the preparation the hero has to go through.
Kemo sabe, people in that town in big trouble.
We go now.
Whoa, whoa.
Slow down, my eager Indian friend.
I need to get my guns, shine my boots, feed my horse, polish my spurs, get some bullets, light a fire, make some coffee, kiss a girl CHRIS: And round up the rest of the Village People.
I don't know how long it's gonna be before I can even afford to start it up.
Plus, the price of gas is insane right now.
It's, like, 85 cents a gallon.
CHRIS: Now it's 85 cents a drop.
Well, whenever you're ready I'll be ready.
What's his issue? CHRIS: I was finally ready to drive my car, and it was one of the happiest days of my life.
( Bobby McFerrin's "Don't Worry, Be Happy" plays) ( chirping ) CHRIS: Say hello to Uncle Remus for me.
GIRL: Hey, Chris! How you doing? # Don't worry # # Be happy # # Don't worry, be happy # ( engine starts ) ( engine revving ) What the? CHRIS: At least I'll save money on gas.
# Be happy # CHRIS: While Greg was ready to drive like Jeff Gordon, I was still riding the bus like Rosa Parks.
Dude, where's our car? CHRIS: That sounds like the title of a movie.
Oh.
I couldn't drive it-- someone stole my tires last night.
( panting ) Oh, man, I think I'm gonna hyperventilate.
So, did you call the cops? CHRIS: When has that ever worked for black people? Was there money in the tires? No.
A baby? A baby in the tires? You'd be surprised.
Was this baby black or white? There was no baby in the tires.
Well, tell me, sir, exactly what wasin the tires? Air.
White air? White air? You'd be surprised.
All right, fill this out, and we'll see what we can do.
Well, should I move it so I don't get a ticket? Don't bother.
Too late.
CHRIS: Sometimes when my dad was at work and the kids were asleep, my mom did something that no one in the house knew about.
She smoked.
Where are my cigarettes? CHRIS: The problem with losing something you're not supposed to have is you can't tell anybody you lost it.
Oh, excuse me, Officer.
I'd like to file a report about some missing crack.
I know they were in here.
Did you find my cigarettes, Julius? Daily Race Form? CHRIS: My mom said my dad couldn't bet on the numbers.
She never said anything about those numbers being on horses.
Even though I couldn't drive my car, I could still enjoy it.
I could listen to music that I liked.
( funky music playing) I could adjust the seat the way I wanted it.
Best of all, when I was inmycar, nobody could bother me.
Boy, get out of that car.
It's getting late.
CHRIS: Meanwhile, my mother wasn't the only one hiding a secret.
The only place his money could be hidden better was Pakistan.
My form.
Where's my race form? Drew.
( knocking ) Hello? My father was like the police.
He entered, thenknocked.
Even though I couldn't drive my car, it still felt pretty good being a car owner.
Oh, no! My school books.
I learned that people will break into a car to steal anything.
Ahh! Ooh.
Look, a brick.
I told you a car was a big responsibility.
What did they take this time? They took the radio, a box of tissues, one sneaker and the ashes in the ashtray.
They took the ashtray? No, the ashes inthe ashtray.
The ashtray's still in there.
Got it.
Anything else? Yeah, my homework and textbooks.
Why would they steal those? They take them and sell them in the white neighborhoods.
CHRIS: Along with aqua socks and yoga mats.
So what I'll do now? Fill out this form and we'll see what we can do.
CHRIS: Which means, "Now that you've wasted my time, allow me to waste some of yours.
" Back at school, I was showing up later than a black man at a custody hearing.
Dude, you're really late.
This isn't a custody hearing, you know.
I know.
You won't believe what happened.
Somebody broke into your car and stole your textbooks and homework? Here.
Where'd you find these? I didn't findthem.
I bought them.
I was trying to get some bootleg college textbooks from this guy and he offered to throw these in for half price.
You owe me ten bucks.
Well, you're gonna have to wait because I'm broke.
I mean, I never imagined having a car would be this much trouble.
I've haven't even driven it yet and it's costing me a fortune.
I'm just gonna get rid of it.
What?! Are you crazy? You can't do that.
What about the girls? What about Coney Island? Greg, my car doesn't even have tires.
Dude, that doesn't matter.
If you're giving up on this car, it means you're giving up on me, and that's not happening.
CHRIS: Kiss my ascot! It had taken longer than I thought, but I finally had everything I needed to hit the road.
Thanks for the loan, Doc.
I figured it's worth it.
I get a reliable ride and a driver when I need it.
Oh, I'll take you wherever you want to go.
CHRIS: As long as you don't want to go anywhere.
Let's roll.
( engine not starting ) What's the matter? It won't start.
Looks like you out of gas.
But the tank was full.
Well I see the problem.
Looks like you getting siphoned.
CHRIS: I would get out, but he'd probably just rob me.
Later, I went and got gas and now Ireallyhad everything I needed to get on the road.
Everything except a car.
The cops got used to coming to my house more than O.
J.
and Nicole's.
It was right there.
Was there money in it? No.
A baby? No! There was no money and no baby.
It was just my car.
"No money no baby just car" Are you just gonna stand there and write, or are you gonna do something? Do something? Yeah.
Tell you what.
You got copies of your Registration? Yeah, I'll be right back.
"Do something.
" Yeah, we'll get right on it.
Cigarettes? CHRIS: Careful-- they may complicate your pregnancy.
Chris! Hey, baby.
Hey, Ma.
CHRIS: By dinnertime, that pack of cigarettes was burning a hole in my pocket.
Hey, Ma, I found this pack of cigarettes in my drawer.
Cigarettes? Yeah, I don't know whose they are, but they're not mine, and I don't want to get in trouble for it, so here you go.
Not mine.
They're not mine.
Why is everybody looking at me? Because you're smoking a carrot.
All right, all right, all right! They're mine! You smoke? Ma, the surgeon general says you can't-- I know what he says.
It's written on the side of the box.
Then how come you still smoke? Yeah.
If there was a sign on the side of our dinner that says it will cause cancer and birth defects, you would slap the salad out of us if you found us eating it.
Well, I get stressed out.
Oh, well, we won't get out stressed at all when you have to get your lungs removed.
CHRIS: Yeah, like when Dad had the gout and-- Okay, fine, fine, fine.
I quit.
CHRIS: Ironically, smoking caused my mother a lot more stress thannotsmoking.
See? Happy now? How long have you been hiding this? Me? Well, how long have youbeen hidingthis? Dad, you been gambling? DREW: You know how Ma feels about that.
Mmm.
Yeah? We'll see how she feels about this.
Ooh.
You have a naked-lady pen? JULIUS: No, Drew has a naked-lady pen.
CHRIS: Secretly, he was happy it wasn't a naked-man pen.
Oh, no.
We gotta talk.
CHRIS: Wait a minute.
I still don't understand how the pack of cigarettes got in mydrawer.
Well, I didn't put them there.
Neither did I.
Me neither.
Ooh.
Tonya, if you were smoking so help me-- Mama, I wasn't smoking.
I was going through your stuff and I found them and Daddy almost caught me, so I hid them in Chris's room so hewould get in trouble instead of me.
How did you get my racing form? Well, I was going through your stuff looking for my stuff.
How did youfind my pen? I thought you had my racing form.
And how'd you find those cigarettes anyway? Cause youput them inmydrawer.
Mmm.
You see, this is yourfault.
You were in there doing something that you ain't had no business doing.
and the next thing you know, nobody's business is everybody's business.
Are you gonna put me on punishment? Is that your business? No! You'll find out what happens to you when it happens to you.
Now go upstairs.
CHRIS: After Tonya got busted, the cops finally found my car.
Unfortunately, it was a lost cause.
They even stole the paint?! I'm sorry, Chris.
Tell you what.
Since you seem like a nice kid, I'll give you $50 for it.
I could use it for scrap metal.
Well I guess it's better than nothing.
Deal.
But since you owe me $40 for the tow, I'll give you $10.
$11.
00.
$10.
50.
$10.
75.
Deal.
Oh, yeah.
You got some, uh, some cans and junk in the trunk.
You want any of it? CHRIS: Too late.
JLo's already got it.
Nah.
What's the point? You can have it.
All right.
CHRIS: At the end of the day, I ended up paying $300 for my first car, I never got to drive it, but I was taken for a ride.
Now, here's a feel-good story we like to call "Junkyard Treasure.
" It happened this afternoon when this man, Miguel Rodriguez, the manager of an impound lot in Bed-Stuy, found $5,000 in the trunk of an old Camaro.
CHRIS ( yells ) What?! MIGUEL: I bought the car off some kid for $10.
75.
An-- And I asked him if he wanted anything in the trunk, and he told me to keep it.
So I looked inside this little can and I found $5,000! Ain't this about a! # Everybody hates Chris #