King of the Hill s04e18 Episode Script

1 ( yells ) DON'T COLD CAN ME.
( laughing ) Kahn: HERE YOU GO.
R.
S.
V.
P.
MEANS REPONDEZ-VOUS S'IL VOUS PLAI WHICH IN REDNECK MEANS PICK UP PHONE CALL TO GIVE ME HEAD COUN FOR BIG LAOTIAN NEW YEAR'S PARTY.
NEW YEAR'S PARTY? WE'RE NOT FALLING FOR A NEW YEAR'S PARTY IN APRIL, KAHN.
WE ARE NOT APRIL FOOLS.
YOU ARE DUMB AS CHIMPS.
LAOTIANS USE LUNAR CALENDAR SO OUR NEW YEAR COME IN APRIL.
IT'S CALLED PIMAI.
SO WHEN DO YOU PAY YOUR TAXES, AUGUST? OKAY, THIS REAL SIMPLE.
YOU ALL COME TO MY BIG PIMAI PARTY GET OUT OF YOUR STINKING PIGPENS FOR A NIGHT.
SEE WHAT IT'S LIKE TO LIVE IN A POTTERY BARN CATALOG.
HUH, SO KAHN'S PARTY IS FOR REAL.
I'M GONNA R.
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V.
P.
I'M NOT GOING.
NOPE.
NUH-UH.
JE REPONDS NON.
ABSOLUMENT NON.
I'M GONNA MAKE A PIMAI RESOLUTION TO KISS YOU EVERY DAY AND TO GET OUT MORE.
( laughing ) Kahn: KAHN JUNIOR.
I BETTER GO.
IF MY DAD SEES US TOGETHER WELL, HE THINKS I'M COLLECTING SOIL SAMPLES.
YOUR DAD'S DAYS OF HATING ME ARE COMING TO A CLOSE.
WHO CAN HATE A KID WHO CAN CHARLESTON? ( humming ) ( laughs ) BYE.
HANK, WE ARE GOING TO THAT PARTY.
THEY ARE CONNIE'S PARENTS AND IT'S NOT LIKE THERE IS A STREAM OF GIRLS LINING UP TO DATE BOBBY.
THERE IS ONE.
YEAH.
USED TO BE NONE.
EXACTLY.
THAT IS WHY WE ARE GOING TO DO OUR PAR AND PRETEND THAT WE LIKE KAHN AND MINH.
NOW LET'S PRACTICE.
I'LL BE KAHN.
( clearing throat ): YOU ARE A DUMB REDNECK.
THAT SOUNDS MORE LIKE MINH.
LEAVE MY WIFE OUT OF THIS, HILLBILLY.
HEH-HEH.
I WISH THEY'D MOVE.
I'M NOT WEARING THAT TO THE PIMAI PARTY.
I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU BUY CLOTHES FOR ME ONLINE.
WASSANASONGS MIGHT COME.
CHANE WASSANASONG IS THE BIGGEST SHANK IN OUR CLASS.
THEY VERY IMPORTANT FAMILY.
TED WASSANASONG MEMBER OF NINE RIVERS COUNTRY CLUB.
HEY, HEY, HEY.
I JUST GET BIG CALL! TED WASSANASONG? YES! THEY ARE COMING TO OUR PARTY.
AND TED SAYS THEY ARE BRINGING ALONG IMPORTANT MONKS.
BUDDHIST MONKS? YEAH, YEAH, BUDDHIST, WHATEVER, MONKS.
I'LL GET SHRIMP.
YEAH, BIG SHRIMP.
THESE MONKS ARE LOOKING FOR REBORN SPIRIT OF SOME LAMA NAME OF LAMA SANGLUG.
LESSER-KNOWN LAMA BUT STILL SPIRITUAL BIG SHOT ANY WAY YOU SLICE IT.
THEY THINK HE REINCARNATED IN THIS AREA.
THEY LOOK ALL OVER McMAYNERBURY TURN UP SQUAT.
TED SAYS ALL SIGNS POINT TO CHANE.
YOU HEAR THAT, CONNIE? CHANE COULD BE A LAMA, A GREAT LEADER.
WHAT MAKES EVERYBODY SO SURE THAT CHANE IS THE LAMA? HE SECOND OBOIS RUNNER-UP IN WESTINGHOUSE SCIENCE CONTES AND HE HAS TERRIFIC POSTURE.
I'M FIRST VIOLIN AND A WESTINGHOUSE WINNER.
HOW DO YOU KNOW I'M NOT THE LAMA? ( short gasp ) CONNIE A LAMA.
OH, THAT BE AMAZING.
FINALLY STUCK-UP JERK TED WASSANASONG HAVE TO KISS MY ASS.
HEY, HANK.
BILL.
HAPPY PIMAI.
( grunts ) DAMN IT, BILL.
OH, HANK, IT'S A PIMAI CUSTOM.
I'M IN.
( Dale and Bill grunting ) OH, GENTLE CHRISTIAN NEIGHBOR.
AS YOU MIGHT HEAR FROM MY DAUGHTER SANGLUG AH, I MEAN CONNIE.
( laughing ) WHERE THAT COME FROM? THEY THROW WATER ON YOU TO WASH AWAY THE OLD YEAR AND BRING LUCK FOR THE NEW.
OW.
OW.
CONNIE, CONNIE.
I SAW CHANE TRYING TO SUCK UP TO THE MONKS BY WRAPPING UP A TO-GO PLATE.
HE IS SUCH A LOSER.
TALK TO THE JUNIOR MONK.
HE LIKES OCEANOGRAPHY.
AND WHO WENT TO OCEANOGRAPHY CAMP? ME.
AND CHANE.
HEY, KAHN, I FOUND ONE OF YOUR HEINEKENS SITTING IN THE BACK OF ONE OF THE CRISPER DRAWERS.
CAN I HAVE IT? OH, THAT NOT MY BEER.
I DON'T DRINK.
MINH SAID IT WAS YOURS.
TAKE IT! OH, HE VILLAGE IDIO AND IN THIS VILLAGE, THAT REALLY SAYING SOMETHING.
AND YET CONNIE, MY DAUGHTER, STILL READ TO HIM.
GOOD LUCK TRYING TO BE A LAMA.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO TRY TO BE A LAMA.
YOU EITHER ARE OR YOU AREN'T AND I AM.
WHY WOULD A LAMA WANT TO COME BACK AS A THIRD OBOE? SECOND, CONNIE.
ANY WOODWIND.
AND WHEN SHE LITTLE GIRL SHE NAME HER GOLDFISH LAMA SANGLUG.
WE WOULD LIKE TO LAY OUT SOME ARTIFACTS FOR YOUR DAUGHTER AND THE WASSANASONG BOY TO OBSERVE.
IF EITHER CHILD IS THE REINCARNATED LAMA THEY WILL CHOOSE CORRECTLY.
OH, YES, THE TEST! I GO GET HER.
I NEED THE KEYS TO THE AEROSTAR.
HEY, A YARD SALE.
HOW MUCH FOR THE BELL? NO, THIS IS A TEST.
ONE OF THESE OBJECTS BELONGED TO OUR REVERED LAMA BEFORE HE DIED.
( chants ) HIS REBORN SPIRIT WILL RECOGNIZE THE OBJEC AND CHOOSE IT.
OH.
LET ME TRY.
HOW MUCH IS IT, DOLLAR A PLAY? ( groaning ) OKAY, SON YOU THE LAMA, YOU THE LAMA.
WATCH CLOSE.
EVERY MONK HAS A TELL.
HURRY, HURRY.
YOU GOTTA PICK BEFORE CHANE.
UH, HI THERE.
IT'S GREAT TO SEE THE KIDS ENJOYING A GOOD OLD PI-PI-MA-PA-PON PARTY.
UH OUT OF MY WAY, YOU REDNECK.
IT'S TEST TIME.
HEY, PEGGY DOES DO A GOOD YOU.
UH-OH.
OH, NO.
I'LL STALL HIM.
HEY, CHANE, BUST A MOVE WITH ME.
( humming ) ( chanting ) BOBBY? NO, NO, NO, NO, PLEASE GET UP.
I'M JUST THE WARM-UP ACT.
HERE'S CONNIE TO TAKE THE TEST.
BOBBY, YOU JUST TOOK THE TEST.
UH, NO, I DIDN'T.
UH, CONNIE, HERE'S YOUR CANE.
YOU HAVE SELECTED CORRECTLY.
THAT CANE BELONGED TO SANGLUG.
( chanting ) BOBBY, WE BELIEVE YOU ARE A VERY SPECIAL CHILD.
SANGLUG WAS ALSO JOYFUL AND GIVEN TO DANCE.
YOU COULD BE DESTINED TO BE A SPIRITUAL LEADER AS THE REINCARNATION OF LAMA SANGLUG.
OKAY, SHOW'S OVER.
WE'RE GOING HOME.
OH, THIS IS ALL A BIG MISTAKE.
YOU DON'T WANT ME.
NO, BOBBY, TODAY YOU PASSED A VERY IMPORTANT TEST.
OUR LEADER, THE RINPOCHE WILL COME HERE NEXT SUNDAY TO CONFIRM OUR FINDINGS.
LOOK HERE.
I CAN'T STOP YOU FROM DOING WHAT YOU DO AT THE AIRPORTS BUT IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD YOU'LL STAY AWAY FROM MY SON.
THANKS A LOT, BOBBY.
BUT I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.
THAT GUY IN THE DRESS IS LOCO.
THAT GUY IS A MONK AND THAT DRESS IS A ROBE AND MY RELIGION IS NOT A JOKE.
THEY'RE NOT TAKING THIS VERY WELL.
ONE OF US SHOULD STAY.
( whispering ) WHAT? WHAT? AH, COME ON.
I'M NOT SLEEPING IN THAT VAN ANOTHER NIGHT.
NO, WE ARE BLESSED TO BE IN A TOWN WITH A MOST GENEROUS BUDDHIST FAMILY.
OH, GOOD.
COMPANY.
BLOW UP THE AIR MATTRESS.
( chuckles ) OH, AND THEY THOUGHT IT WAS GOING TO BE CONNIE.
WELL, I ALWAYS KNEW MY BOBBY WAS DESTINED FOR GREATNESS.
TO BE PERFECTLY HONEST, DIDN'T SEE LAMA.
THE BUDDHISTS THINK BOBBY IS A HOLY MAN.
NOW, THAT'S JUST SAD.
HANK, HANK, HANK, LISTEN TO THIS.
RICHARD GERE IS A BUDDHIST.
JUST KEEPS GETTING SADDER.
IS THIS WHAT YOU DRAGGED ME OUT HERE FOR-- SOFT-SERVE ICE CREAM AT THE STUDENT UNION? THAT WAS AN UNSCHEDULED DETOUR.
THE CAMPUS BUDDHIST CLUB IS THE MAIN ATTRACTION.
DON'T TELL ANYONE I'M A LAMA.
I WANT TO BLEND IN.
THIS ACT SYMBOLIZES WHEN THE BUDDHA LEFT HIS PALACE TO BECOME A MONK AND CUT OFF HIS LONG HAIR WITH A SWORD.
MY PARENTS DON'T GO TO THINGS LIKE THIS.
THERE'S NO ONE HERE THEY WANT TO MEET.
THANKS FOR BRINGING ME, BOBBY.
THANK YOU FOR THE ICE CREAM CONE.
A REAL LAMA WOULDN'T BE THINKING OF SUPER CUTS JOKES IN THE MIDDLE OF THE CEREMONY, RIGHT? WELL, LAMA SANGLUG ALWAYS SAID THAT THE FUNNIEST JOKE COMES FROM THE TEDIUM OF MEDITATION.
HE WAS A WONDERFULLY FUNNY MAN.
HE OFTEN WORE HIS BEGGING BOWL LIKE A HAT.
I DO THAT WITH MY CEREAL BOWL.
BOBBY, THERE ARE SOME TEACHINGS THAT I THINK MAY HELP YOU ON YOUR JOURNEY.
OH, COOL.
NO PICTURES? MAYBE THIS WILL HELP.
( both grunting ) LET GO OF MY FINGER.
YOU LET GO OF MY BEER.
SO HELP ME, BILL DON'T MESS WITH MY TRIGGER FINGER.
OH, YEAH? WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO-- SHOOT ME WITH MY BEER? I DON'T THINK SO.
WHY ARE FRIENDS FIGHTING? HE PUT HIS FINGER IN MY BEER.
HE DARED ME TO.
YOU FIGHT, BUT YOU BOTH HAVE THE SAME GOAL.
RIGHT? SO? SO? MR.
GRIBBLE, I WANT YOU TO RELAX AND IMAGINE YOUR FINGER SLIDING RIGHT OU OF MR.
DAUTERIVE'S BEER.
THAT IS THE SINGLE MOST RIDICULOUS THING I'VE EVER H UH CHANE WASSANASONG COULD NEVER HAVE DONE THAT.
AH, CHANE'S A GOOD GUY.
TAKE ME OUT TO THE BALL GAME TAKE ME OUT DA, DA DUM BUY ME SOME CRACKERS AND APPLE JACKS ( humming ) ( startled groan ) ( chanting ): OM MANI PADME HUM.
OM MANI PADME HUM.
NO WAY.
NO GOT-DANG WAY.
DAD, I WAS THIS CLOSE TO ENLIGHTENMENT.
YOU CAN CALL PUTTING PAINT ON YOUR HEAD ANYTHING YOU WAN BUT WE'RE CHRISTIANS AND WE DON'T DO THAT KIND OF STUFF.
WHY DO YOU THINK WE GO TO CHURCH EVERY SUNDAY-- FOR FUN? WELL, WHY DO WE GO? BECAUSE WE'RE METHODIST.
YEAH, I'VE BEEN MEANING TO ASK YOU.
WHAT IS METHODISM, ANYWAY? METHODISM IS A REJECTION OF CALVINISM.
AH.
UH, YEAH.
HEH.
SO, BOBBY, YOU HEARD HER.
YOU CAN'T BE A LAMA.
OH, YOU'RE THE BOY.
CONGRATULATIONS.
NOW HOLD ON.
WAIT.
WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE ON THE SAME TEAM HERE.
OF COURSE WE ARE.
BOBBY, DO YOU LOVE JESUS? WITH ALL MY HEART.
BUDDHIST LIAR.
MR.
HILL, I WOULD PREFER I IF BOBBY WERE SIMPLY A DEVOUT METHODIS BUT IF HE CAN USE THIS EXPERIENCE TO CONNECT TO HIS SPIRITUALITY SINCERELY YEAH, YEAH, OKAY, WE'RE RUNNING LATE.
REVEREND, I'LL SEE YOU SUNDAY.
WE COULD ALWAYS USE AN EXTRA HEAR AT THE HOMELESS PRAYER SERVICE ON SATURDAY MORNING.
I'LL MENTION IT TO THE MISSUS.
Bobby: LISTEN TO THE WIND.
LET THE WIND TAKE THE WORLD AWAY.
WHAT DO YOU HEAR INSIDE, CONNIE? I JUST HEAR MY DAD'S IGNORANCE AND MY MOM'S EMPTY-HEADED MATERIALISM.
NO, WAIT, WAIT.
I HEAR MY DAD'S EMPTY-HEADED MATERIALISM, TOO.
THAT'S THE LOUDEST.
YOU EXPECT TOO MUCH OF THEM, CONNIE.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO LET THINGS BE AS THEY ARE.
SO YOUR PARENTS DON'T LIKE ME.
EH.
I'M CARRYING A FEW EXTRA POUNDS? EH.
EASY FOR YOU TO SAY.
YOU'RE A LAMA.
SHH, SHH, SHH, SHH, SHH.
I'M TEACHING HERE.
LISTEN WITH YOUR HEART.
THE BEATING OF IT WILL DROWN OUT EVERYTHING ELSE.
ALL THAT'S LEFT WILL BE THE SOUND OF US.
KISS ME, SANGLUG.
"MY CHILD IS AN HONOR STUDENT AT WESTVIEW ELEMENTARY.
" YEAH? WELL MY CHILD IS GOD TO BILLIONS OF ASIANS! HEY, CONNIE, I NOTICED THAT YOU COULDN'T STOP LOOKING OVER AT ME.
I KEPT HEARING FLATS.
I ASSUMED THEY WERE COMING FROM YOU.
NOW, COME ON, YOU TWO.
IF ONE OF YOU PLAYS FLATS AND THE OTHER PLAYS SHARPS WE WILL HAVE PERFECT HARMONY.
THAT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE SENSE, NITWIT.
SHUT UP.
YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS BECAUSE YOU WEREN'T CHOSEN AS LAMA.
I'M GLAD I'M NOT A LAMA.
THE CHANE TRAIN STOPS FOR THE LADIES.
WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN? LAMAS CAN'T HAVE WIVES.
THEY CAN'T EVEN HAVE GIRLFRIENDS.
IS THAT TRUE, BOBBY? IT-IT CAN'T BE.
I MEAN, HOW DO THEY GET NEW LAMAS IF THE LAMAS CAN'T? OH, NO.
REINCARNATION.
I GOT IT.
I'M LEAVING THE BUDDHAHOOD.
BOBBY, I WON'T LET YOU.
I WANT TO BE WITH YOU, TOO, BUT IT'S NOT OUR CHOICE.
IF YOU'RE SANGLUG, YOU'RE SANGLUG.
IT'S MEANT TO BE.
I CAN ALWAYS TANK THE TEST.
I'LL PICK A BELL.
WHO OWNS A BELL? WHAT IF IT IS THE BELL? I'LL PICK ANOTHER CANE.
THEY WOULDN'T MAKE IT THE SAME THING TWICE.
BOBBY, DON'T MAKE THIS A GAME.
IF YOU DON'T TAKE THAT TEST TOMORROW I'M GOING TO BE WONDERING FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE IF YOU'RE A LAMA AND IF YOU ARE I'LL BE DISRESPECTING BUDDHA EVERY DAY.
I CAN'T LIVE WITH THAT.
AH.
SO, HOW LONG YOU BEEN CELIBATE? THREE YEARS.
MMM.
THE FOURTH YEAR IS THE TOUGH ONE.
YOU.
YOU GO TELL MY BOY HE'S NOT A LAMA.
NOW.
I CAN'T TELL HIM THAT, BECAUSE IT'S NOT UP TO ME.
THERE'S A BUDDHIST SAYING: "AS THE WHEEL FOLLOWS THE OX THAT DRAWS THE CAR THE WIND CANNOT OVERTURN A MOUNTAIN.
" YOU'RE TALKING LIKE A SONG FROM THE LION KING.
STOP THAT.
IT MAKES NO SENSE.
OR DOES IT MAKE PERFECT SENSE? WHAT THE? SEE, THAT'S THE TYPE OF I'M GONNA KICK YOUR ASS.
IF MY ASS IS GOING TO BE KICKED THEN IT WILL BE KICKED.
WHA? ( frustrated groan ) TO THE CELIBACY OF MONKS.
THE CELIBACY OF MONKS.
OH, THERE, THERE, KAHN JUNIOR.
WE KNOW HOW YOU MUST FEEL.
BUT, REALLY, YOU JUST DODGE A CHUBBY WHITE BULLET.
( chanting ): OM MANI PADME HUM.
OM MANI ( groaning ) I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HECK I'M DOING.
LAMA SANGLUG, I MISS CONNIE SO MUCH.
WAIT.
I'M LAMA SANGLUG.
WHAT SHOULD WE DO? GIVE US A SIGN.
Hank: I AM THE GREAT LAMA SANGLUG AND YOU ARE NOT.
FORGET ABOUT THAT DANG BUDDHIST HOOEY.
I COMMAND YOU.
DAD? WHAT ARE YOU DOING? UH, NOTHING.
I WAS JUST WALKING BY, AND I THOUGHT I HEARD UH DON'T TAKE THE TEST TOMORROW.
I HAVE TO.
WHAT HAVE THEY GOT ON YOU, BOY? I'M IN A JAM HERE.
CONNIE SAYS SHE'LL HAVE TO DUMP ME IF I DON'T TAKE THE TEST.
( sighing ) WELL, WE DEFINITELY CAN'T HAVE THAT.
THAT'S WHY I'M PRAYING MY GUTS OUT.
BUT I'M NOT GETTING AN ANSWER.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
UH, EVERYTHING IS GONNA IT'S GONNA BE ALL RIGHT.
UH SO JUST HANG IN THERE.
OKAY, THEN DON'T FORGET TO BRUSH.
OKAY, HERE WE GO.
LORD, HANK HILL HERE.
METHODIST.
SORRY ABOUT MISSING THE HOMELESS PRAYER SERVICE.
NOW, ABOUT BOBBY-- I'M PRETTY SURE WE'RE ON THE SAME PAGE ABOUT THIS LAMA THING.
I WAS KIND OF HOPING THAT YOU COULD JUST HAVE HIM FAIL THIS TEST TOMORROW-- YOU KNOW, LIKE YOU'VE HAD HIM FAIL SO MANY OTHER TESTS IN THE PAST.
UH, OH, AND, UH, THE STARVING KIDS, AND GOTTA GO.
AMEN.
HEY, BOBBY HILL.
LOOK, I GOT A STATUE OF BUDDHA.
SEPARATED AT BIRTH OR WHAT? IF HE PICKS RIGH HE GETS TO KEEP ALL THOSE PRIZES.
MM-HMM.
WH-WHAT IF HE PICKS WRONG? CAP SNAFFLER.
SNAFFLES CAPS OFF ALL SIZE JUGS, BOTTLES AND JARS AND IT REALLY, REALLY WORKS.
THIS IS THE FINAL TEST.
PLEASE, CHOOSE AN ITEM YOU SEE ON THIS RUG.
( groaning ) I CAN PICK ANYTHING I SEE ON THIS RUG? YES.
I PICK CONNIE.
RIGHT THERE IN THE MIRROR.
HEY, MAKE HIM PICK FOR REAL.
HE CHEATING.
THERE IS NO CHEATING.
THE TEST HAS BEEN TAKEN.
HE HAS CHOSEN.
OH, BOBBY.
PHEW! DO YOU THINK MAYBE I SHOULD PICK? NO.
PACK IT UP.
BUT THAT WAS SANGLUG'S MIRROR.
I KNOW.
BUT HE DIDN'T PICK IT.
BUT HE USED IT.
MMM.
TOUGH CALL.
BUT IT'S MINE, AND I MADE IT.
Kahn: YEAH, YEAH, BUDDHIST, WHATEVER, MONKS.