Mike & Molly s04e18 Episode Script

You liked them.
You said they tasted like little salty Pop Rocks.
Yeah, that was before I knew they were gonna make fish babies in my belly.
Whoa, it's okay, old girl.
We'll be going downhill soon.
Why couldn't we just have taken my car? Because your car's no fun.
With the Galant, you and the machine are one.
Really feel the road beneath you.
There's a hole in the floorboard.
I can see the road beneath me.
I hear you.
She hates it when I get too liberal with the AC.
Oh, God, the heater? Well, I got to redirect some of that hot air off the motor.
I'm-I'm boiling! Well, just pick up the floor mat.
It'll kick up a breeze from the hole.
Why is there duct tape on the window button? Because people like you keep rolling it down, and unless you got tongs and a hanger, it ain't coming back up.
Oh, man.
All right, flick the turn signals right and left.
I'll take a look under the hood.
Why? Because the hazards don't work.
Safety first.
This is ridiculous.
I don't know if this helps you, but the speedometer says we're still going 60 miles an hour.
I think there's a leak in the radiator hose.
Hand me that piece of tape off the window switch.
We'll be up and running in no time.
You took the tape off wrong.
La, la-ba-dee-da La, la-ba-dee-da For the first time in my life I see love I see love For the first time in my life I see love Okay, how's it going down there? Well, it's not pretty.
Valves leak, gaskets are shot, and there's a crack in the engine block that's longer than yours.
Okay, okay, she-she's seen worse.
What's worse than a cracked engine block? Are you kidding me? How about a grease fire in the middle of a Fourth of July Parade? Pulled into a car wash, put the flames out, still made the "1812 Overture.
" So, what you're saying is that this is a death trap.
No, what I'm saying is this car is indestructible.
After the apocalypse, it, my mother and cockroaches will be the only things that survive.
The Galant's gone, Mike.
Let it go.
I'm calling it.
I'd give you the time of death, but even the clock on the dash doesn't work.
The Galant can't be dead.
We've been through too much together.
I mean, I moved myself out of my mother's house in this car.
I drove it to take the police exam.
I took Molly on our first date.
That was a lovely eulogy.
No, you can't take her.
She's too young! Look at this guy.
He's like one of those Italian widows throwing herself on the coffin.
Mike, it's time to get a new car.
I don't want a new car, and even if I did, I can't afford one.
So I'll float you a loan.
No, I'm not comfortable with that.
Come on, man, I can't stand the thought of a friend of mine riding around on a dirty city bus.
I ride the bus.
And it suits you.
Besides, he's good for the loan.
You're more of a "teach a man to fish" kind of friend.
That's a very generous offer, Carl, but since I'm 20 years old, I've always stood on my own two feet.
Never bought anything I couldn't afford.
What are you talking about? You and your wife are 80 grand in the hole.
I married into that debt.
Love knows no credit score! All right, well, the offer's on the table if you change your mind.
Thanks.
You're a good friend, and I'm gonna keep it that way by not taking your money.
I'm willing to risk our friendship.
I'm not.
Mooch.
How's it looking out there? Not good.
Poor guy.
He loved that car.
You know you're smiling, right? I can't help it; I hate that piece of crap.
Is there any hope? None.
It's gonna cost two times what it's worth to fix it.
Oh.
I'm so sorry.
I know.
I don't know what I'm gonna do.
I feel like I lost a part of me.
Well, we'll figure it out like we always do.
Well, that's easy for you to say.
You're sitting pretty on an '02 Camry.
Which you can use any time I'm not.
Yeah, and you can borrow my car, too.
See? Flynn girls to the rescue.
Great.
Can I use your car tomorrow? Absolutely.
Oh, you know what, no.
I forgot I have a hair appointment.
Well, then he'll just take mine.
Thank you.
Hold on.
Did you say tomorrow or next Friday? Tomorrow.
Tomorrow's not good.
Actually, next Friday's bad, too.
I can drop you off somewhere.
If it's before 9:00 a.
m.
Yeah, and I can pick you up after 7:00, unless you want to take the bus to my work, and then we can leave at 6:30.
If I was gonna ride the bus, would I just come home? Boy, you know what, for someone who needs a ride, you're awful snippy.
Yeah.
Look at this guy.
Gets paid to live in Hawaii and do jumping jacks on the beach with two hot broads.
If I was him, the only thing I'd do different is turn around.
I am going stir crazy without a car.
Well, you could go for a walk.
If you can't help, don't say anything.
Where do you suddenly need to go? Every Saturday you just sit here like a lump.
That's because I chose to sit here like a lump.
Now I'm forced to.
Trapped here like a caged panther! Really? That's the animal that best describes you? The point is I need my freedom.
Well, why didn't you say something? You can borrow my car.
Seriously? Of course.
It's in the driveway.
Oh, thanks, Vince.
Just take off the cover, dust it with the car brush and you're good to go.
No problem.
Oh, and when you put gas in it, make sure you use premium.
It knocks if you don't.
The driving log is in the glove box.
Driving log? Yeah, it's where I jot down the miles driven, the gallons put in, the amount paid, that kind of stuff.
I also like to know which station and which pump.
It's the vehicle's autobiography, if you will.
Look, I-I'm just running to the batting cages.
If it's the one on Logan, don't park in that parking lot.
Those are compact spaces with kids flinging doors open like animals.
No good.
I'll park on the street.
You will never, ever park that car on the street.
What you're gonna do is park two blocks down at the drugstore, get an end space, turn on the alarm, put on the cover, and enjoy the batting cages.
Careful crossing that street on foot.
If you see a bunch of candle and flowers, that's the bad spot.
I'll just stay here.
You sure? Yeah, I'm sure.
Well, any time.
I'm easy.
Thanks for picking me up, Carl.
I just had to get out of that house.
Of course.
It's not right for a man like you to be stuck at home with no means of transportation.
It's definitely inconvenient.
It's emasculating is what it is.
Reduced to begging friends for rides, hat in hand.
Thumb in butt.
All right.
It's getting chilly in here.
You mind rolling up that window? Really? Oh, would you look at that? A personalized check made out to Michael Biggs.
Well, finders keepers, I guess.
I'm not taking your money, Carl.
Why not? You need a car, right? No, because I got friends like you giving me a ride and a very generous family that lets me borrow the car any time I want every other Thursday.
So you saying me giving you a ride is keeping you from taking my money? Well, in a way, yes.
Get out.
What are you doing? I'm putting a stop to this nonsense.
Either you take my check or eat my dust! You're not gonna make me walk? You can do whatever you want once you get out of my car.
This is ridiculous! And so is your refusal to take my loan! Well, it's not gonna happen, okay? You better take my money, you selfish son of a bitch! Let me love you! This is crazy.
You need a car, and I got one I hardly use.
I am a grown man! I'm too old to be asking my mommy if I can borrow her car.
Besides, how are you supposed to get around? Where do I go? I cut my own hair, I scrape my own corns, I got a freezer full of hot dogs.
I'm set for the year.
I appreciate the offer, but I'm gonna have to pass.
You're gonna kill yourself on that thing.
I'll be fine.
Before the Galant, this thing got me all over town.
It just needed some grease on the chain, a little air in the tires, and we are good to go! How you gonna get this casserole home? I delivered papers on this bike for eight years.
I can carry a pan of leftovers.
Mike Biggs is back in a banana seat! You look ridiculous.
Call it whatever you want, you're looking at a free man! I'm okay, Ma! That's my boy.
Not a drop of casserole spilled.
Okay, watch your step.
No peeking.
Ooh! I don't understand.
I thought we couldn't afford a new car.
Don't worry; I got a good deal.
Free! It's your mom's car.
Not anymore.
It's ours.
What have you done? Molly, we needed a car.
I got us a car.
That is not "a car"" That's your mother's car, the guilt mobile.
What's that supposed to mean? Do you really think that she just gave you that car with no strings attached? Well, so I'll have to give her a ride every once in a while.
And when is that? Once a week? Once a month? Four times a day? Did you get any of that in writing?! You're being ridiculous! Am I? 'Cause when we first started dating, we had to go see your mother three times a week.
But through hard work and determination we have whittled that down to every other Sunday for dinner.
How could you want to throw all that away? Because I hate walking, I crashed my bike and I really needed a car! Well, you got one, buddy.
You got one fully loaded! They don't make them like this anymore.
No, legally they can't, right? I mean, this seat belt feels like more of an homage to safety.
You get a seat belt? All I've got back here are ashtrays.
No, it's buried in the seat, just keep digging.
So, you won't take a loan from me, but you'll take a 40-year-old car from your mother? Yes.
Because this car is not a gift.
Being raised by that woman, I earned it.
Like reparations for war crimes.
Oh, but the war ain't over.
Your mother's not giving you this out of the goodness of her heart, and you know why? Because she has no heart, and she has no goodness? He gets it.
All right, enough.
Ooh, there's a White Castle up here.
Let's get something to eat.
Perfect.
Because I just found a ketchup packet when I was digging in the seat.
You think this big boat can fit through a drive-thru? Through? No.
In with an awkward back out of? Yes.
Can we put on some music? Ah, that's one of the things I'm gonna have to upgrade.
Same tape's been in the deck since '82.
So I'm singing Elvira Elvira Hope you guys like the Oak Ridge Boys.
Uh, very much.
It reminds me of being back in Senegal.
They used to send us these tapes for free.
Elvira.
Really? What? Mike's only had the car one day.
Somebody's got to get me to church.
Apparently I've been banned from the senior shuttle.
Palsy or not, you play footsie with me, your cane's going out the window.
So, you walked eight blocks here instead of six blocks towards the church in the other direction? I'm surprised you know where the church is.
I'm surprised they don't move it so you don't.
Where's my son? He's out showing off his new car to his friends, thanks to your selfless gift.
Well, that's what you do when you love somebody.
You make sacrifices.
I know, Peggy.
It's the only reason we're still talking.
So, what? I've got to drive you to church now? Whew! I've seen you drive.
I want to pray to God, not meet him.
I'll just wait for Mike.
Of course you will.
You know, I know what you're doing.
Using this car, you know, to guilt him into doing every little thing you want him to do.
Get off your high horse.
You're as bad as me.
I am nothing like you.
Oh, please.
We both want a piece of Mike, and will do whatever it takes to get it.
You might have your womanly ways.
But I got a '72 Impala with a handicap placard.
Checkmate.
Damn it.
Fine, I'll call Mike.
Elvira My heart's on fire Elvira Giddy up Oom-poppa, oom-poppa Mow, mow Giddy up Oom-poppa, oom-poppa, mow, mow Hi-ho, Silver Away Tonight I'm gonna Hey, sweetie, what's up? Aw.
B-9.
B-9.
What did he say? B-9! Right there.
You've got bingo.
Again.
Oh.
Uh, bingo! How the hell does she keep winning? She doesn't even know where she is.
It's those lucky charms.
Think she'd notice if I took her troll? Which one the one on the table or the one sitting across from her? The one with the pink hair.
Again, same question.
How about we head out soon? We can't leave now.
They save the good prizes till the end.
I got my eye on that foot spa.
Okay, well, what if I come back later and just pick you up? Is it really that awful spending time with your mother? There is no right answer to that question.
Well, now my dabber's dry.
Go and get me a new one.
Oh, and don't buy anything from Sister Anne.
She hasn't sold a winning card since Vatican Two.
Oh.
Hey, man.
Why are you putting us through this? Well, what am I supposed to do? Give your mom back her car and take my money.
Look, it's never gonna happen, Carl.
Why not? 'Cause I've got my pride.
Wha.
.
? Man, you're in a church basement trying to beat out some old biddies for a toaster oven.
I think your pride's pretty much shot! They're starting a new game.
Are we done here? No, we are not.
Not until you explain to me why in the hell you won't let me loan you money.
Because that's not the way our relationship's supposed to work.
I'm supposed to take care of you.
Come on, man.
We-we help each other.
We're brothers.
Yeah, but I'm the big brother.
I help you.
You break up, I console you.
You mouth off at a bar, I take the punch.
They threaten to throw you out of the police softball league, I say, "If he goes, I go.
" Even though you were dressed like an idiot.
Man, I just got back from rollerblading, all right? And didn't have time to change out of my Lululemons.
Okay.
Listen.
I know you look out for me, right? But why can't I look out for you every once in a while, huh? Help my big brother.
Look, Carl.
Really appreciate it.
I just can't.
What the hell's taking so long? Where's my dabber? Sorry, I was talking to Carl.
Oh, didn't mean to interrupt.
You said you were gonna do something, I just thought you might actually do it.
I am doing it! It's fine.
Don't trouble yourself.
You got what you want.
Sister Bernadette, give me a red dabber.
The color of the blood we bleed for our children.
I'm gonna want to pay you interest.
I wouldn't have it any other way.
O-69.
Bingo! I won! I won! In your face, Gladys.
Eh, where's your lucky troll now? Man, when I gave you that money, I thought you'd go put a down payment on a new car.
Hey, a new engine is a new car.
Like putting a fresh liver into an old wino.
What about the hole in the floor, uh, the windows that don't roll up and the crappy electrical system? Where's all this negativity coming from? This should be a day of celebration like Easter.
In three days, the Galant has risen.
I don't get you at all.
Well, what's to get? I'm a loyal guy.
And if something's been good to me, I stick with it.
Even if it has no value, and people laugh at it.
Kind of explains why you're my best friend.
Was that a compliment? It's as good as you're gonna get.
All right, if you're happy, I'm happy.
Thanks, pal.
All right.
What do you say we crank up some tunes and get this engine in? All right, sounds good.
Let's do it.
I'm singing Elvira Oh, no! Oh, yes.
I finally got the tape out of the Impala.
Come on, sing it with me.
My heart's on fire For Elvira Yeah, you can't lean on that! Oom-poppa, oom-poppa, mow, mow Giddy up, oom-poppa, oom-poppa, mow, mow Hi-ho, Silver away.