Modern Family s04e18 Episode Script
The Wow Factor
So we're gonna change that one.
I'm back.
Okay, let me see, let me see, let me see! You guys are want to, um Oh, my God! I love it! All clear.
Okay, so-- So good! It is so good! For the last few months, Cam and I have been redoing a house together that we're gonna flip, and I have to say, it has been goin' great! We make an amazing team.
- Yeah.
The key is trust.
- Absolutely.
The key is, I let Claire think she's in charge.
I hide what I want in something bigger and more expensive.
Then when she rejects that, we "compromise" on what I wanted all along.
I call my method "the Trojan horse.
" You know how I got Lily? I asked Mitchell for triplets.
- Okay.
- Uh-huh? You are going to love what I found for the kitchen countertops.
It's from Carrarra, Italy.
It's where Michelangelo got the marble to make the "David.
" Oh.
Now we know why the "David" couldn't afford any clothes.
Okay, well, uh I also found this one.
It's not as nice, but it's less expensive.
Well, it's still over budget, but I guess it's okay.
- Mm.
- Yeah.
By the way, we couldn't get the powder room fixtures you wanted.
What? Why? Well, they're 23%, or $982, over the budget.
Keeping in mind, that space is only 12% of 1,462 square feet.
Whenever I need to rein in Cam's spending, I employ something that I like to call "the number dump.
" So unless you wanna cut 16%, or $1,764 from somewhere in the flooring budget, we've gotta find another 4% overall.
Yeah.
No, as long as they're pretty, it's fine.
It's fine.
Yesterday, I accidentally said "eleventy-five.
" So everybody knows how hard I worked on that project.
I mean-- Hey, wait.
What are you doing? Trying to put the sugar back in the thing.
Well, just go get the broom.
I'll eat it for a dollar.
What did I say about eating things for money? Charge the most.
Then people will think you're worth it.
That's right.
That's at least $5.
- Hey, he said a dollar.
- Broom.
Hey, dad, I can't find my scarf, and the closet light's burnt out.
- So just change it.
- I can't reach it.
Oh, if only there was some magical way of getting up closer to the ceiling.
Okay, now you just sound like Dylan.
- I'm saying get a step stool.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
One thing at a time, okay? What is happening? I'm sweeping.
No, you're not sweeping.
You're just spreading it all around.
It's gonna cost more if you want me to eat it now.
That's when it hit me-- my daughters know nothing about home care and maintenance.
I don't want 'em to be dependent.
It's up to me to show them what a modern, self-sufficient woman looks like.
Careful.
Keep that up, he'll have to hit "numero dos" when he calls the DMV.
By the time he's old enough to call, it will be "numero uno.
" Ay, there he is.
Manny, why did you have breakfast alone outside? I felt like eating breakfast alfresco.
Does that mean he had his pants off? Because if I can't, he can't.
Jay, he's been eating outside on his own all week.
Do you think that he feels left out because of all the attention I give Joe? You know, I've been wondering the same thing.
Tell you what-- why don't I have some father-son time with Joe this afternoon and give you some time with Manny? Ay, that's so sweet.
You can take Joe to his baby class.
Gloria, I think he already knows how to be a baby.
I love you, but I can't laugh at that again.
Manny, how about I pick you up after school, and we both have a special day? Well, I did talk to Jay about getting some tickets for this reading.
What reading? Seriously? The stage reading of "Moby Dick"? I told you about it last night.
I have zero recollection of this.
I knew I shouldn't have poured you that second scotch.
Sorry, buddy, but I already committed to spending the afternoon with Joe so you and your mom could have more time together.
Hey, maybe she can take you.
- Can we, mom? - Of course, mi amor.
It's your special day.
We'll do whatever you want.
Great.
This is gonna be four hours you'll never forget.
Hey, buddy.
Looks like it's just the dos of us.
Why do I feel that you did something shifty? I have no idea.
But I gotta say, it's not your best quality.
All right, sweetie, you have a good day.
Watch me play handball, daddy.
Oh, okay.
Next! That's Milo.
He beats everybody.
Next loser! - He's mean.
- Yeah, I'm gettin' that.
Next! Another girl? Hey, sweetie? Sweetie? You're gonna do great, okay? If you say so.
Next! Uh, Milo? That-- that was my fault.
I distracted her, so maybe she could just go again? No do-overs.
Next! Well, I'm next, and I would like to give her my turn.
No switcheroos.
Are you playing or not? - No.
- Chicken.
Next.
I hate bullies.
I've hated them my whole life.
I hated them when they were named Scott Dworkin or Greg Pechenko or Katie Greenwald.
Okay, you know what? I'm gonna play.
But, daddy, he's really good.
Well, I'm really good, too.
- But it's a sport.
- I got this.
You done talking? You know, it's really appropriate that we're at a school, because I'm about to teach you a lesson.
Next! All right.
Sorry, sweetheart.
Here, I'll walk you to class.
No, thank you, mister.
But Whatcha doin'? I think I have an idea.
Okay.
Every house needs a "wow" factor, right? - Mm - What is the one thing this backyard is missing? - A qualified buyer? - Now don't be silly.
No.
A water feature with a fire element.
Oh, God, no.
No, no, please.
Now just imagine-- this entire back wall cascading into a reservoir that erupts into flames on the quarter hour.
How does that sound? Like we need a white tiger.
Maybe I'm being a little ambitious.
So let's just do a couple dancing water fountains, - call it a day.
- No, wait.
Cam, Cam, Cam.
That's gonna still put us, like, $3,500 over our landscape budget.
Right now, we're than I thought we'd be at this point because Smitty added that 8% surcharge.
I'm sorry-- Did you just say 40-12 percent? Mm, no, I didn't.
Yes, you did.
You do this all the time.
You just throw numbers at me to frighten and confuse me.
And here I thought we were working so well together, and you're just being manipulative.
What about you, Cam? Pitching these crazy, over-the-top ideas just so you can slip in what you really want.
Oh, how dare you accuse me of Trojan horsing you.
You have a name for it? No, I mean-- You know what? I will not stand here and be accused by the likes of you.
And if there was a door here, missy, I would slam it your face.
Oh-ho! I thought we weren't flaming till the quarter hour! Gloria and Manny left me alone with Joe, and it was great for about 20 minutes.
Then the little bugger turned on me.
I tried everything to calm him down-- Bouncing.
Bottle.
Brightly colored objects.
Bigger bottle.
So I did the old "put him in the car" trick.
But I could still hear him out there.
I'm just kidding.
I drove him to his little class, but he dozed off right before we got there.
Or he took a page from the Jay Pritchett playbook-- saw the crap he was in for and pretended to be asleep.
Mr.
Pritchett? - Yeah.
- Rachel Lissy.
Claire's friend from High School, remember? How could I forget? You knocked down my mailbox with your K-car.
Again, I apologize.
- How you doin'? - Couldn't be better.
I've been married for 15 years, two great boys over there.
Cooper! Unhand your brother! I'm taking them to the James Bond movie, and they don't want me to sit with them.
I miss babies.
Oh, they're a lot of fun, huh? - So nice to see you.
- Nice seeing you.
Great kids.
Ugh! No, you're not! Joe, I found a better way for us to bond James Bond.
My dad taught me everything there is to know about maintaining a home, and today, that tradition continues.
Voila! Light bulb changed.
Hey, I have an idea.
Let's get to know the house, huh? Hey, I have an idea-- let's lock him in.
Okay.
Let's go over this baby right here.
What are we lookin' at, huh? Photosynthesis? In a sense, yeah.
- Yeah? - Yeah, yeah.
Uh, photosynthesis converts carbon dioxide into food for plants, this water heater converts cold water into hot.
What converts this conversation into over? Girls, you need to learn these things.
You might find yourselves living alone at some point.
I long for the day.
Okay, we're just gonna start with something really basic, all right? I am turning the pilot light off.
These things go out occasionally.
- Why? - I don't know.
No one knows.
Let's just say gremlins do it.
But if it happens to you, what do you do? - Call a guy.
- Or a girl.
Oh, my God, we're literally in a closet, - and you just said that.
- Focus.
You don't call anyone.
To re-light the pilot, turn the valve to "pilot," you press it down to begin the flow of gas, you wait a few seconds Where you guys from originally? And you just press the igniter.
There you go.
That's odd.
Why is it not working? Oh, I got it.
Why don't we just fill it up with hot water from the tap? Found another light that's out.
Claire and I were at a stalemate on the water feature.
So I brought in an experienced professional to help break the tie.
Pam also happens to be a friend and a fellow gay parent at Lily's school.
Am I trying to stack the deck against Claire here? No.
I would never be so genius.
Hi.
Oh.
Oh, Claire, this is Pam.
- Pam, Claire.
- Oh, hi.
Nice to meet you.
- You, too.
- Pam is a licensed contractor.
- Done a lot of houses.
- Uh-huh? I thought it'd be nice to bring in a third party that's objective, to help settle the fountain dispute.
Oh.
Objective, right.
Well, my son does go to school with Lily, but believe me, that is not gonna sway my decision - any more than the fact that you are beautiful.
- Hmm? Thank you.
You are, too.
Thank you.
Let me grab your cans.
Your paint cans.
There you go.
So Hey, what's the matter, Joe? Hey, that's a boy.
That's a boy.
Come here.
There you go.
Here you are.
There you go.
There you go.
You know, I'm happy to take him outside - until he stops crying.
- Oh, no, I wouldn't want you to miss this.
It's fine.
Once Daniel Craig put his shirt back on, - I lost interest.
- Are you sure? - Absolutely.
- Okay.
Here-- just go ahead.
Attaboy.
Attaboy.
Thank you very much.
I'll be right outside.
- Okay.
- Shh! You shush, Nathan! Stupid thing! Dad, we've been standing here forever.
Can't we just call the guy? No.
There is no guy.
I'm the guy.
Here's what I need you to do.
Run to the hardware store, get me a T6 torx screwdriver.
- What? - Just ask the guy.
I thought there was no guy.
There is one there! - Could be a girl.
- Eh? Just go! I didn't need a torx screwdriver.
I've always wanted one, though.
But I needed them out of the house, so I could call a guy.
Dad, help me.
Are we gonna do that thing again where you try on different outfits like in "Pretty woman"? Hey.
Saw you sinkin' some J's back there, huh? Box and one.
Cover two.
Sh-Shaq-a-hack? Am I right? Not even close.
- What's up? - Well, word has it that you were a pretty good handball player back in the day.
Yeah.
And Neil Armstrong was a "pretty good" trumpet player.
I see you spent a lot more time on the court than you did in the classroom, so clearly, I've come to the right place.
Look, I need you to teach me everything you know.
How come it's so important? Well, there's this kid, and he's been kind of bullying Lily and all her friends.
And I tried to teach him.
I tried to put him in his place on the handball court, and I lost.
And I-I could just see the disappointment in Lily's eyes.
Like there's any emotion in those eyes.
Are you gonna help me or not? - Okay.
- Yes! But I need you to give it 105%.
Ah, no.
It's 110%, buddy.
That's impossible.
Yes.
I think the fountain's a little pricy.
But you know what? It's gonna more than make up for itself when a family comes in here and falls head over heels in love with this home.
Okay, that's a valid point.
It is a bit of an empty space out there.
Thank you.
Well, I mean, I see what you're saying.
Sorry.
It's hot in here, right? Oh, well, you know, that happens to women of a certain age, like with my mom.
Are you kidding? What are you, like, 35? What are you, like, an angel sent from heaven? I see what you're saying.
I just feel that we might be pricing ourselves out of the market.
If a family wants to come in here, and--and build themselves a fountain, they can do so themselves.
That's true.
Um, okay, well, you know, Pam, - um, there are lots of families like ours - Mm-hmm.
Moving to this neighborhood for the schools.
P.
S.
, saw Connor's art project-- gorgeous.
Talent runs in the family.
Anyway, I'm just saying I think a family would respond to having a little drama in the backyard.
I think Pam's made it pretty clear what she likes.
Am I right? Well Oh, no.
Now my shirt is all see-through.
And so are you.
Please tell me you are not falling for this.
I'm not, but I am enjoying this little show tremendously, so thank you.
Yeah.
As for my professional opinion on the fountain, don't do it.
I mean, if you were gonna live here yourself, I'd say go for it.
But it's too expensive for a flip.
Yeah.
Yeah.
All right.
Thank you.
- Cam? - Fine.
Lesbians.
I can't believe I just went garter shopping with my son.
When you find a better way to keep my socks up, let me know.
Hey, as long as we're in the mall, you wanna stop in the baby class to see Jay and Joe? No.
They need this time to make a connection.
It's not like mother and son, that the bond is naturally strong.
Hey, isn't that Joe over there? No, that's some weird baby.
He's not perfect like my little Joe.
But he's got the same blanket.
Gloria.
What are you doing here? You gave our baby to a stranger?! She's not a stranger.
She's Claire's friend.
- Shh! - Shut up, Nathan! Gloria! The gas is on, dad.
I can see the spark from the igniter.
I don't know what it is.
- That's your thermocouple.
- Oh.
You get a little sediment in there or some rust, and you're done for.
The thermocouple.
Of course.
Why didn't I think of that? Thanks, dad.
I-I shouldn't be buggin' you with this stuff.
Are you kiddin' me? I love to help.
Makes me feel like you still need me.
Of course I need you.
You're the best when it comes to this.
Anything else you need fixin'? Yeah, actually, I've been havin' a little trouble with my thumb.
Oh, the old thumb.
That's simple.
Just push it back in and make that popping sound.
- Oh, yeah, you're right.
- There you go.
Hey, make sure you tell Claire how pretty she looks tonight.
A woman needs to hear that.
You do the same with mom.
No, your mom's a little tired of hearing how pretty Claire is.
Good one! All right.
Love you.
Love you, too.
Dad, we're home.
Hey.
That was the least fun I have ever had shopping ever.
Here.
Honey, that's a torque wrench, not a torx screwdriver.
Okay, you're just screaming now.
Can't you just go get it? You're the best at this stuff.
Yeah, plus the car is doing something funny, and there's a light on the dashboard that looks like a little genie lamp.
My kids are helpless, but maybe that's okay.
Because years from now when they have their own houses, they'll call me on their hologram phones and say, "help me, dad.
You're my only hope.
" And I'll be the happiest father in sector 7 Or sector 12, if we're doing really well.
I don't know why your mom's so mad.
Maybe it has something to do with giving your son away to a complete stranger.
You're next.
And what were you two doing in the mall, anyway? I thought you were seeing "Moby Dick.
" It was sold out.
Maybe that's how you can make it up to her-- take me to the "Moby Dick" reading tomorrow.
Nice try.
Doing something selfless for her other son could make up for your monumental blunder.
Maybe flowers or jewelry.
I like to throw money at the problem.
Hello, pretty lady.
What do you wanna do for dinner? How about we exchange the baby for a cheese pizza? - Is this about today? - I'll call for those tickets.
You were supposed to spend quality time with the baby.
Joe was asleep.
He didn't even know he missed the puppet show.
It was the baby class! Okay, call it what you want.
I saw a hippie with a frog on his hand.
And for your information, I'm takin' Manny to that reading tomorrow.
Now you're just trying to dig yourself out of a hole because you know that you were caught in a lie.
- So here's something-- - Not now, Manny.
Oh, let him talk.
I called the theater, and they have tons of tickets for tomorrow's show.
And it turns out today's show wasn't sold out, either.
- Ay, Manny, not now.
- Let him talk.
Mom, why'd you say it was sold out? Yeah.
Why'd you say it was sold out? It was a mistake.
This is not my first language.
I don't understand English very goodly.
Don't play that card.
You didn't wanna go any more than I did.
Fine.
I lied, but I earned that lie.
Ay, Manny, I am so sorry.
But you know that I am always trying to do everything for everybody in this family.
But you.
You only do what's good for you.
Let me tell you something, Jay Pritchett-- when it comes to raising kids, you get what you give.
Well, you rattled that off pretty goodly.
You don't have to do this, daddy.
I know, but daddy really wants to do this, okay? No, no, no.
No, what do you think you're doing, Sadie? No cutsies.
Come on.
Next.
Hello, Milo.
Hello, one of Lily's dads.
All right, let's make this interesting, okay? If I win, the new rule is this, okay? No player can play more than three times in a row without getting back in line and letting the other kids play.
- What if I win? - Then I'll give you $20,000.
- You're on.
- All right.
Let's do this.
Yes! Whoo! One point for me.
One point for me.
That's right.
Milo, the ball's over here.
Nah, nah.
Doesn't count.
It was out.
Aah! Little too high for you, huh? Three bounces to the wall makes you a lo-ser, makes you a lo-ser Final point.
I get this, I win.
Oh, sweet lord Jesus.
Whoo! Yes! Yes! Winner! Cham-pi-on! Cham-pi-on! Cam's gonna be doing drop-offs for a while.
We got a letter.
I'm sure you're both wondering why I summoned you here tonight.
I now present to you the "wow" factor.
Cam I cannot believe that you went rogue.
Uncool.
I am with Claire on this.
You'll soon see why.
Prepare your senses for dancing waters.
- Wow.
- Wow.
Factor.
Now imagine a prospective buyer, so entranced by the aqua ballet, they're compelled instantly to make a rich offer.
I've even stocked the pools with fish of gold.
They're just goldfish, but they're-- they're right here.
This is this is really impressive, Cam.
What did you spend? Quite a bit, actually, but I don't wanna get into that.
Let me turn this up to eleventy-five.
- Wow.
- Wow.
Factor.
Hey, Cam, are fish of gold supposed to swim backwards like that? No, not to my knowledge, no.
Yeah, it's kind of like they're all-- they're gathering towards that thing.
- It's like a-- - Oh, no! - Ew! Ew! - You're killing them! Claire! Unplug it! It's half a fish! That's a half a fish! There are certain queer times and occasions in this strange, mixed affair we call life when a man takes this whole universe for a vast practical joke Though the wit thereof he but dimly discerns Tick-tick-tick, tick-tick-tick-tick, "boom-boom" goes the dynamite, "boom-boom" goes the dynamite! And more than suspects that the joke is at nobody's expense but his own.
- All right.
Close your eyes.
- Why? - Just trust me.
- Okay.
- Ow! - Never close your eyes on the court! - But you told me-- - Don't let me get in your head! Pop 'em! Pop 'em all before they hit the ground! Go! I don't really understand how Make a fist with your thumb on the side.
Now bring your thumb to the front.
Okay, now do it again.
Ha! You just spelled "ass" in sign language.
Okay.
Close your eyes.
It's okay.
We're off the court.
You're never off the court!
I'm back.
Okay, let me see, let me see, let me see! You guys are want to, um Oh, my God! I love it! All clear.
Okay, so-- So good! It is so good! For the last few months, Cam and I have been redoing a house together that we're gonna flip, and I have to say, it has been goin' great! We make an amazing team.
- Yeah.
The key is trust.
- Absolutely.
The key is, I let Claire think she's in charge.
I hide what I want in something bigger and more expensive.
Then when she rejects that, we "compromise" on what I wanted all along.
I call my method "the Trojan horse.
" You know how I got Lily? I asked Mitchell for triplets.
- Okay.
- Uh-huh? You are going to love what I found for the kitchen countertops.
It's from Carrarra, Italy.
It's where Michelangelo got the marble to make the "David.
" Oh.
Now we know why the "David" couldn't afford any clothes.
Okay, well, uh I also found this one.
It's not as nice, but it's less expensive.
Well, it's still over budget, but I guess it's okay.
- Mm.
- Yeah.
By the way, we couldn't get the powder room fixtures you wanted.
What? Why? Well, they're 23%, or $982, over the budget.
Keeping in mind, that space is only 12% of 1,462 square feet.
Whenever I need to rein in Cam's spending, I employ something that I like to call "the number dump.
" So unless you wanna cut 16%, or $1,764 from somewhere in the flooring budget, we've gotta find another 4% overall.
Yeah.
No, as long as they're pretty, it's fine.
It's fine.
Yesterday, I accidentally said "eleventy-five.
" So everybody knows how hard I worked on that project.
I mean-- Hey, wait.
What are you doing? Trying to put the sugar back in the thing.
Well, just go get the broom.
I'll eat it for a dollar.
What did I say about eating things for money? Charge the most.
Then people will think you're worth it.
That's right.
That's at least $5.
- Hey, he said a dollar.
- Broom.
Hey, dad, I can't find my scarf, and the closet light's burnt out.
- So just change it.
- I can't reach it.
Oh, if only there was some magical way of getting up closer to the ceiling.
Okay, now you just sound like Dylan.
- I'm saying get a step stool.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
One thing at a time, okay? What is happening? I'm sweeping.
No, you're not sweeping.
You're just spreading it all around.
It's gonna cost more if you want me to eat it now.
That's when it hit me-- my daughters know nothing about home care and maintenance.
I don't want 'em to be dependent.
It's up to me to show them what a modern, self-sufficient woman looks like.
Careful.
Keep that up, he'll have to hit "numero dos" when he calls the DMV.
By the time he's old enough to call, it will be "numero uno.
" Ay, there he is.
Manny, why did you have breakfast alone outside? I felt like eating breakfast alfresco.
Does that mean he had his pants off? Because if I can't, he can't.
Jay, he's been eating outside on his own all week.
Do you think that he feels left out because of all the attention I give Joe? You know, I've been wondering the same thing.
Tell you what-- why don't I have some father-son time with Joe this afternoon and give you some time with Manny? Ay, that's so sweet.
You can take Joe to his baby class.
Gloria, I think he already knows how to be a baby.
I love you, but I can't laugh at that again.
Manny, how about I pick you up after school, and we both have a special day? Well, I did talk to Jay about getting some tickets for this reading.
What reading? Seriously? The stage reading of "Moby Dick"? I told you about it last night.
I have zero recollection of this.
I knew I shouldn't have poured you that second scotch.
Sorry, buddy, but I already committed to spending the afternoon with Joe so you and your mom could have more time together.
Hey, maybe she can take you.
- Can we, mom? - Of course, mi amor.
It's your special day.
We'll do whatever you want.
Great.
This is gonna be four hours you'll never forget.
Hey, buddy.
Looks like it's just the dos of us.
Why do I feel that you did something shifty? I have no idea.
But I gotta say, it's not your best quality.
All right, sweetie, you have a good day.
Watch me play handball, daddy.
Oh, okay.
Next! That's Milo.
He beats everybody.
Next loser! - He's mean.
- Yeah, I'm gettin' that.
Next! Another girl? Hey, sweetie? Sweetie? You're gonna do great, okay? If you say so.
Next! Uh, Milo? That-- that was my fault.
I distracted her, so maybe she could just go again? No do-overs.
Next! Well, I'm next, and I would like to give her my turn.
No switcheroos.
Are you playing or not? - No.
- Chicken.
Next.
I hate bullies.
I've hated them my whole life.
I hated them when they were named Scott Dworkin or Greg Pechenko or Katie Greenwald.
Okay, you know what? I'm gonna play.
But, daddy, he's really good.
Well, I'm really good, too.
- But it's a sport.
- I got this.
You done talking? You know, it's really appropriate that we're at a school, because I'm about to teach you a lesson.
Next! All right.
Sorry, sweetheart.
Here, I'll walk you to class.
No, thank you, mister.
But Whatcha doin'? I think I have an idea.
Okay.
Every house needs a "wow" factor, right? - Mm - What is the one thing this backyard is missing? - A qualified buyer? - Now don't be silly.
No.
A water feature with a fire element.
Oh, God, no.
No, no, please.
Now just imagine-- this entire back wall cascading into a reservoir that erupts into flames on the quarter hour.
How does that sound? Like we need a white tiger.
Maybe I'm being a little ambitious.
So let's just do a couple dancing water fountains, - call it a day.
- No, wait.
Cam, Cam, Cam.
That's gonna still put us, like, $3,500 over our landscape budget.
Right now, we're than I thought we'd be at this point because Smitty added that 8% surcharge.
I'm sorry-- Did you just say 40-12 percent? Mm, no, I didn't.
Yes, you did.
You do this all the time.
You just throw numbers at me to frighten and confuse me.
And here I thought we were working so well together, and you're just being manipulative.
What about you, Cam? Pitching these crazy, over-the-top ideas just so you can slip in what you really want.
Oh, how dare you accuse me of Trojan horsing you.
You have a name for it? No, I mean-- You know what? I will not stand here and be accused by the likes of you.
And if there was a door here, missy, I would slam it your face.
Oh-ho! I thought we weren't flaming till the quarter hour! Gloria and Manny left me alone with Joe, and it was great for about 20 minutes.
Then the little bugger turned on me.
I tried everything to calm him down-- Bouncing.
Bottle.
Brightly colored objects.
Bigger bottle.
So I did the old "put him in the car" trick.
But I could still hear him out there.
I'm just kidding.
I drove him to his little class, but he dozed off right before we got there.
Or he took a page from the Jay Pritchett playbook-- saw the crap he was in for and pretended to be asleep.
Mr.
Pritchett? - Yeah.
- Rachel Lissy.
Claire's friend from High School, remember? How could I forget? You knocked down my mailbox with your K-car.
Again, I apologize.
- How you doin'? - Couldn't be better.
I've been married for 15 years, two great boys over there.
Cooper! Unhand your brother! I'm taking them to the James Bond movie, and they don't want me to sit with them.
I miss babies.
Oh, they're a lot of fun, huh? - So nice to see you.
- Nice seeing you.
Great kids.
Ugh! No, you're not! Joe, I found a better way for us to bond James Bond.
My dad taught me everything there is to know about maintaining a home, and today, that tradition continues.
Voila! Light bulb changed.
Hey, I have an idea.
Let's get to know the house, huh? Hey, I have an idea-- let's lock him in.
Okay.
Let's go over this baby right here.
What are we lookin' at, huh? Photosynthesis? In a sense, yeah.
- Yeah? - Yeah, yeah.
Uh, photosynthesis converts carbon dioxide into food for plants, this water heater converts cold water into hot.
What converts this conversation into over? Girls, you need to learn these things.
You might find yourselves living alone at some point.
I long for the day.
Okay, we're just gonna start with something really basic, all right? I am turning the pilot light off.
These things go out occasionally.
- Why? - I don't know.
No one knows.
Let's just say gremlins do it.
But if it happens to you, what do you do? - Call a guy.
- Or a girl.
Oh, my God, we're literally in a closet, - and you just said that.
- Focus.
You don't call anyone.
To re-light the pilot, turn the valve to "pilot," you press it down to begin the flow of gas, you wait a few seconds Where you guys from originally? And you just press the igniter.
There you go.
That's odd.
Why is it not working? Oh, I got it.
Why don't we just fill it up with hot water from the tap? Found another light that's out.
Claire and I were at a stalemate on the water feature.
So I brought in an experienced professional to help break the tie.
Pam also happens to be a friend and a fellow gay parent at Lily's school.
Am I trying to stack the deck against Claire here? No.
I would never be so genius.
Hi.
Oh.
Oh, Claire, this is Pam.
- Pam, Claire.
- Oh, hi.
Nice to meet you.
- You, too.
- Pam is a licensed contractor.
- Done a lot of houses.
- Uh-huh? I thought it'd be nice to bring in a third party that's objective, to help settle the fountain dispute.
Oh.
Objective, right.
Well, my son does go to school with Lily, but believe me, that is not gonna sway my decision - any more than the fact that you are beautiful.
- Hmm? Thank you.
You are, too.
Thank you.
Let me grab your cans.
Your paint cans.
There you go.
So Hey, what's the matter, Joe? Hey, that's a boy.
That's a boy.
Come here.
There you go.
Here you are.
There you go.
There you go.
You know, I'm happy to take him outside - until he stops crying.
- Oh, no, I wouldn't want you to miss this.
It's fine.
Once Daniel Craig put his shirt back on, - I lost interest.
- Are you sure? - Absolutely.
- Okay.
Here-- just go ahead.
Attaboy.
Attaboy.
Thank you very much.
I'll be right outside.
- Okay.
- Shh! You shush, Nathan! Stupid thing! Dad, we've been standing here forever.
Can't we just call the guy? No.
There is no guy.
I'm the guy.
Here's what I need you to do.
Run to the hardware store, get me a T6 torx screwdriver.
- What? - Just ask the guy.
I thought there was no guy.
There is one there! - Could be a girl.
- Eh? Just go! I didn't need a torx screwdriver.
I've always wanted one, though.
But I needed them out of the house, so I could call a guy.
Dad, help me.
Are we gonna do that thing again where you try on different outfits like in "Pretty woman"? Hey.
Saw you sinkin' some J's back there, huh? Box and one.
Cover two.
Sh-Shaq-a-hack? Am I right? Not even close.
- What's up? - Well, word has it that you were a pretty good handball player back in the day.
Yeah.
And Neil Armstrong was a "pretty good" trumpet player.
I see you spent a lot more time on the court than you did in the classroom, so clearly, I've come to the right place.
Look, I need you to teach me everything you know.
How come it's so important? Well, there's this kid, and he's been kind of bullying Lily and all her friends.
And I tried to teach him.
I tried to put him in his place on the handball court, and I lost.
And I-I could just see the disappointment in Lily's eyes.
Like there's any emotion in those eyes.
Are you gonna help me or not? - Okay.
- Yes! But I need you to give it 105%.
Ah, no.
It's 110%, buddy.
That's impossible.
Yes.
I think the fountain's a little pricy.
But you know what? It's gonna more than make up for itself when a family comes in here and falls head over heels in love with this home.
Okay, that's a valid point.
It is a bit of an empty space out there.
Thank you.
Well, I mean, I see what you're saying.
Sorry.
It's hot in here, right? Oh, well, you know, that happens to women of a certain age, like with my mom.
Are you kidding? What are you, like, 35? What are you, like, an angel sent from heaven? I see what you're saying.
I just feel that we might be pricing ourselves out of the market.
If a family wants to come in here, and--and build themselves a fountain, they can do so themselves.
That's true.
Um, okay, well, you know, Pam, - um, there are lots of families like ours - Mm-hmm.
Moving to this neighborhood for the schools.
P.
S.
, saw Connor's art project-- gorgeous.
Talent runs in the family.
Anyway, I'm just saying I think a family would respond to having a little drama in the backyard.
I think Pam's made it pretty clear what she likes.
Am I right? Well Oh, no.
Now my shirt is all see-through.
And so are you.
Please tell me you are not falling for this.
I'm not, but I am enjoying this little show tremendously, so thank you.
Yeah.
As for my professional opinion on the fountain, don't do it.
I mean, if you were gonna live here yourself, I'd say go for it.
But it's too expensive for a flip.
Yeah.
Yeah.
All right.
Thank you.
- Cam? - Fine.
Lesbians.
I can't believe I just went garter shopping with my son.
When you find a better way to keep my socks up, let me know.
Hey, as long as we're in the mall, you wanna stop in the baby class to see Jay and Joe? No.
They need this time to make a connection.
It's not like mother and son, that the bond is naturally strong.
Hey, isn't that Joe over there? No, that's some weird baby.
He's not perfect like my little Joe.
But he's got the same blanket.
Gloria.
What are you doing here? You gave our baby to a stranger?! She's not a stranger.
She's Claire's friend.
- Shh! - Shut up, Nathan! Gloria! The gas is on, dad.
I can see the spark from the igniter.
I don't know what it is.
- That's your thermocouple.
- Oh.
You get a little sediment in there or some rust, and you're done for.
The thermocouple.
Of course.
Why didn't I think of that? Thanks, dad.
I-I shouldn't be buggin' you with this stuff.
Are you kiddin' me? I love to help.
Makes me feel like you still need me.
Of course I need you.
You're the best when it comes to this.
Anything else you need fixin'? Yeah, actually, I've been havin' a little trouble with my thumb.
Oh, the old thumb.
That's simple.
Just push it back in and make that popping sound.
- Oh, yeah, you're right.
- There you go.
Hey, make sure you tell Claire how pretty she looks tonight.
A woman needs to hear that.
You do the same with mom.
No, your mom's a little tired of hearing how pretty Claire is.
Good one! All right.
Love you.
Love you, too.
Dad, we're home.
Hey.
That was the least fun I have ever had shopping ever.
Here.
Honey, that's a torque wrench, not a torx screwdriver.
Okay, you're just screaming now.
Can't you just go get it? You're the best at this stuff.
Yeah, plus the car is doing something funny, and there's a light on the dashboard that looks like a little genie lamp.
My kids are helpless, but maybe that's okay.
Because years from now when they have their own houses, they'll call me on their hologram phones and say, "help me, dad.
You're my only hope.
" And I'll be the happiest father in sector 7 Or sector 12, if we're doing really well.
I don't know why your mom's so mad.
Maybe it has something to do with giving your son away to a complete stranger.
You're next.
And what were you two doing in the mall, anyway? I thought you were seeing "Moby Dick.
" It was sold out.
Maybe that's how you can make it up to her-- take me to the "Moby Dick" reading tomorrow.
Nice try.
Doing something selfless for her other son could make up for your monumental blunder.
Maybe flowers or jewelry.
I like to throw money at the problem.
Hello, pretty lady.
What do you wanna do for dinner? How about we exchange the baby for a cheese pizza? - Is this about today? - I'll call for those tickets.
You were supposed to spend quality time with the baby.
Joe was asleep.
He didn't even know he missed the puppet show.
It was the baby class! Okay, call it what you want.
I saw a hippie with a frog on his hand.
And for your information, I'm takin' Manny to that reading tomorrow.
Now you're just trying to dig yourself out of a hole because you know that you were caught in a lie.
- So here's something-- - Not now, Manny.
Oh, let him talk.
I called the theater, and they have tons of tickets for tomorrow's show.
And it turns out today's show wasn't sold out, either.
- Ay, Manny, not now.
- Let him talk.
Mom, why'd you say it was sold out? Yeah.
Why'd you say it was sold out? It was a mistake.
This is not my first language.
I don't understand English very goodly.
Don't play that card.
You didn't wanna go any more than I did.
Fine.
I lied, but I earned that lie.
Ay, Manny, I am so sorry.
But you know that I am always trying to do everything for everybody in this family.
But you.
You only do what's good for you.
Let me tell you something, Jay Pritchett-- when it comes to raising kids, you get what you give.
Well, you rattled that off pretty goodly.
You don't have to do this, daddy.
I know, but daddy really wants to do this, okay? No, no, no.
No, what do you think you're doing, Sadie? No cutsies.
Come on.
Next.
Hello, Milo.
Hello, one of Lily's dads.
All right, let's make this interesting, okay? If I win, the new rule is this, okay? No player can play more than three times in a row without getting back in line and letting the other kids play.
- What if I win? - Then I'll give you $20,000.
- You're on.
- All right.
Let's do this.
Yes! Whoo! One point for me.
One point for me.
That's right.
Milo, the ball's over here.
Nah, nah.
Doesn't count.
It was out.
Aah! Little too high for you, huh? Three bounces to the wall makes you a lo-ser, makes you a lo-ser Final point.
I get this, I win.
Oh, sweet lord Jesus.
Whoo! Yes! Yes! Winner! Cham-pi-on! Cham-pi-on! Cam's gonna be doing drop-offs for a while.
We got a letter.
I'm sure you're both wondering why I summoned you here tonight.
I now present to you the "wow" factor.
Cam I cannot believe that you went rogue.
Uncool.
I am with Claire on this.
You'll soon see why.
Prepare your senses for dancing waters.
- Wow.
- Wow.
Factor.
Now imagine a prospective buyer, so entranced by the aqua ballet, they're compelled instantly to make a rich offer.
I've even stocked the pools with fish of gold.
They're just goldfish, but they're-- they're right here.
This is this is really impressive, Cam.
What did you spend? Quite a bit, actually, but I don't wanna get into that.
Let me turn this up to eleventy-five.
- Wow.
- Wow.
Factor.
Hey, Cam, are fish of gold supposed to swim backwards like that? No, not to my knowledge, no.
Yeah, it's kind of like they're all-- they're gathering towards that thing.
- It's like a-- - Oh, no! - Ew! Ew! - You're killing them! Claire! Unplug it! It's half a fish! That's a half a fish! There are certain queer times and occasions in this strange, mixed affair we call life when a man takes this whole universe for a vast practical joke Though the wit thereof he but dimly discerns Tick-tick-tick, tick-tick-tick-tick, "boom-boom" goes the dynamite, "boom-boom" goes the dynamite! And more than suspects that the joke is at nobody's expense but his own.
- All right.
Close your eyes.
- Why? - Just trust me.
- Okay.
- Ow! - Never close your eyes on the court! - But you told me-- - Don't let me get in your head! Pop 'em! Pop 'em all before they hit the ground! Go! I don't really understand how Make a fist with your thumb on the side.
Now bring your thumb to the front.
Okay, now do it again.
Ha! You just spelled "ass" in sign language.
Okay.
Close your eyes.
It's okay.
We're off the court.
You're never off the court!