Roseanne s04e18 Episode Script

Aren't you curious about who bought our old house? How come you're so obsessed with this.
It's where we grew up.
I'm just surprised That you don't have any feelings for it at all.
Well, god, it's not like It's the first mcdonald's or something.
Look at that-- Final notice from my insurance company.
Well, good.
I was sick of hearing from them.
Well It's special.
It's our house.
Hey, Jackie, you forget.
Ever since dad sold that house, It's also become home To three other dysfunctional families.
I'm going to change.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey! What? What are you doing upstairs with some boy? Well, no one was home, So I figured, "why not become a woman?" Cut it out, Darlene.
She's not a woman, Mrs.
.
Conner.
Nothing was going on.
Excuse me.
I'm waiting for her to lie to me.
I don't have to explain myself to you.
Yes you do.
See how big I am? We were working on this.
It's a comic book.
I do the drawings.
She writes the words.
Don't show her.
This is what you were working on? Yes.
Zombies eating people's brains? Well, it's not done yet.
Yeah, but I see what it's saying.
It's saying that you were not upstairs I'm going to take off.
I'll see you at school tomorrow.
You're going? Yeah, I guess.
All right.
Me, too.
Can you believe her? She just had to embarrass me.
Well, you got to understand, Darlene.
That's not just any guy there.
That's Mark's brother.
That's not his fault.
Maybe she'll see that eventually.
Look at these drawings.
Oh, yeah.
These are great.
You guys put a lot of time in on this.
Yeah.
A couple of weeks.
I think of the story, and he draws it.
We're totally in sync.
We've got a couple more stories worked out.
It's going to be a whole series.
They're not just comic books.
They're graphic novels.
What? Oh, it's just great to see you like this, Darlene.
You know, excited about something.
Oh, man.
I mean, ever since you quit basketball-- Stop it.
All right.
Can I read it? I guess.
I'm just so proud of you! That's quite enough.
Todd's fish died today.
That's a shame.
Was he sad? Yeah, but he felt better After we put it in the street And watch a car smash it.
D.
J.
, we're eating.
So, beck, you're going out with Mark on saturday, huh? Jackie! I said we're eating.
Well, it's not a date.
He wants to talk.
That can be pretty tough With his tongue crammed down your throat.
Darlene, it's over between us.
But I think he misses me And wants to come crawling back.
That's it.
I'm not hungry at all anymore.
Then how come he didn't ask you out for friday night? What do you mean? Well, you've got to wonder What other moron he's crawling to.
Did you hear something from david? Is he going out with somebody else? Do you care? It's over between you and baghead.
Well, it is.
I don't care.
Good.
Nobody cares.
New topic.
Oh, look.
Daddy's home.
We'll talk about daddy.
Sorry I'm late.
I got to talking with Mark at the shop.
Really? What did he say? It wasn't about you.
He said david cut school the other day And went to Chicago.
He ratted out his own brother.
I think he was proud of the kid.
But you're not hanging around with david If he's pulling this crap.
How come he was in Chicago? How should I know? Something about a comic book convention.
Comic book convention, huh? 'Cause you know I can call the school And find out if you ditched, too.
The convention was only there for two days.
You went to Chicago with him? It's not a big deal out of this.
Oh, I am going to make A huge deal out of this! You get up for school and wind up in Chicago? We don't even know? Something could have happened! How could you do something so stupid? We took the bus.
Nothing happened.
Till now.
You're grounded.
You are so grounded.
And don't think you're just laying around.
You'll do something useful.
And you'll hate it.
Or else we'll think of something Even more useful.
Doesn't anybody want to know why we went? You're not seeing david no more.
Because of him you lied, You went to Chicago, and you skipped school.
You need more? The convention was important to us.
We're serious about this stuff.
You can do better than that, Darlene.
I can't believe this.
So did Mark say where he was going After he left the shop? Hey, can I have some of that chocolate? No, D.
J.
It's baker's chocolate.
You won't like it.
Please? It doesn't have any sugar in it.
Come on.
It won't spoil my dinner.
O.
k.
Go for it.
Eew! It's awful! Well, I guess that's a lesson Every kid's got to learn once, huh? Are you kidding? He does that every single time I bake a cake.
Hey.
Hi, Arnie.
How are you doing, Arnie? I'm doing pretty good.
Dan said I could borrow the truck, you got the keys.
The keys are on that hook there.
That chocolate? Yeah! Help yourself.
Thanks.
Hey, listen.
I got a little problem with Nancy, And I know she listens to you guys.
What's going on? She's driving me nuts.
She's trying to change me.
She says I got potential.
Well, do you want me to set her straight, Arnie? Would you? What are you doing with the truck? Mine's in the shop.
The demolition crew's letting me salvage The copper pipes from your old place.
Demolition? Yeah.
They're putting up a burger heaven.
I can't believe this! It's great.
The whole block will smell like chili.
You know Rosie, I don't want to say nothing, But there's something really wrong with this stuff.
You know, Darlene, I've never seen you look as lovely as you do now.
I can't believe you didn't get busted, too.
I was.
I'm in my room right now.
When I'm ready to admit I'm wrong, I can come out.
Oh, no! What? I just found my old hamster.
Darlene, your mom said You had some stuff of mine--oh, man! Well, you've see me.
Now you must die.
Get out of here! You won't tell anybody? Live in fear, david.
I can do that.
Hey! Your mom catches him in here, you're dead! Thanks for the tip.
Looks like you're doing a pretty good job.
What do you want? You mad at me? Why would I be mad at you? Just because you let them dump all over me? If you want me to say it's o.
k.
To go to Chicago Without telling anybody, I won't! You could have told them it was important.
They think this comic book convention Is just some lame excuse to cut school.
They think that me and david Are like Mark and Becky.
I couldn't say anything! You told me how great it was That I was finally getting into something.
They weren't going to listen to me! You're right.
The best thing to do Was to let them dump all over me.
Darlene! Just leave me alone.
Thanks for picking me up, beck.
Deej, where's mom? She went out.
She said she'd be back in an hour.
Hey, dad, How come Mark couldn't drive you home? Uhhe left early.
Hmm.
Well, he usually doesn't leave early, does he? He did tonight.
Did he smell good when he left? I Try not to sniff the help, Becky.
Well, you know what I mean.
I don't know if he's dating anyone else, o.
k.
? You're with him all day.
And he's always been a gentleman.
Never laid a hand on me.
Hey.
What? Nothing.
Just hey.
You done out there? I guess that would be up to you.
I got an idea.
Since mom's gone for a little longer, Let's get a pizza.
Darlene, what don't you want on your half? I'll have this upstairs.
Here we go again.
Now she'll sit in her room And mope for six months.
She's so immature.
Good! He's home! We should have asked Arnie for the key.
Oh, we'll be in in a minute.
Oh! The branch is creaking, Jackie.
It never creaked back when we were kids.
Well, the tree's older now, and you're Older now, too.
Hey, we both fall at the same speed, slim.
I'm hurrying.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
All these years, nobody ever fixed that.
Oh, just get in.
Oh Nice branch.
Good branch.
Strong branch.
Oh Whoa! I just flashed on winnie the pooh and the honey tree.
Just get me in here, all right? How many times do you think we did that? You sneaking in after seeing Dan.
You're supposed to have been studying.
Oh, man.
About now I'd be wondering if I remembered my underwear.
Shh! You'll wake up mom and dad.
You were supposed to be in by 11:00.
Well, after the party Me and Dan went over to his house And we had three kids.
Don't tell mom! Wow Our room.
Eew.
Eew, it even smells the same.
Yeah.
Eew.
You know that smell of burned meat And oppression.
Hey, look, Jackie.
There's the vent.
Yeah.
Mom and dad never did figure out We could hear everything that went on in their bedroom thru that vent.
Screaming and yelling and crying.
Yeah.
We never did hear any sex Unless that's what all the crying and yelling was about.
Well, it helped us figure out How bad trouble we were in.
Five minutes before the knock on the door.
Yeah.
But that was a help.
Gave us a chance to run in and confess, Score those honesty points.
Yeah, or get our stories straight.
You remember the week we took turns listening To see if they knew about bloomington? Yeah, that frat party.
We were may too mature for high school guys.
Yeah, so we end up with these future doctors and lawyers Playing up, up and away on their armpits.
Yeah.
We slept in a car.
What were we thinking? We could have gotten really hurt, you know, And mom and dad had no idea where we were.
But I guess that's just the Crazy kind of stuff kids do.
Oh, gee, Jackie, That sounds just like what Darlene did.
I guess I'm just no better than her.
How could I be so blind? My point exactly.
When you remember to water your chia pet, You can criticize the way I raise my kids.
Roseanne, wait.
Come on.
O.
k.
, so what we did was stupid.
But if we would have gotten caught, We would have gotten busted and deserved it.
Yes, but Darlene says that what she did was important.
She said the same thing When she shaved D.
J.
's head.
The comic book thing means a lot to her.
I Believe her, because she gave me hell For not sticking up for her.
Usually when she's mad at you, she's nice to me.
Now we're on the same side.
That just stinks.
O.
k.
, so this thing is really important to her.
I never told her to quit the comic book thing.
You did, kind of, 'cause david does the pictures.
O.
k.
O.
k.
, I get it.
Shut up.
All right.
You're welcome.
Hey, it's our living room, Jackie.
Yeah.
Couch there.
Tv there.
Blue barcalounger.
Green shag carpeting As far as the eye could see.
Hey.
You remember that oil painting that was there? It was a picture of a long, winding road.
I Used to stare at that thing for hours.
That's 'cause I told you It was the andy griffith show.
You were so mean to me.
I was not.
Yes, you were! You lied to me all the time.
You'd tease me and pinch me.
Mom would say, "just ignore her and she'll stop.
" Mom never understood me.
My field hockey trophy was right here, And this is the clock that mom got When aunt betty died.
The fish! Oh, god! Yeah! Dad's stuffed swordfish deal.
Yeah.
I Remember crying When he brought that thing home.
Yeah, that's 'cause I told you it was flipper.
God, I'm-- I was such an idiot! And, uh, remember what was over there, Jackie? We don't need to get into this.
We're having a good time here.
You want to get into our memories.
This is part of our memories.
The belt.
Dad's belt, o.
k.
? It was Roseanne.
Parents spanked their kids back then.
Spanked? Come on, Jackie.
He hit us with a belt.
Well, kids got hit with belts.
Yeah, but did their dads Strap some big razor strap on the wall Right by the front door, So when you came in you'd see it And always worry what would happen If you stepped out of line? Maybe he was trying to psyche us out.
Yeah, well.
He was good at that.
Remember he'd make us bring it to him? Well, mom wasn't any help either.
She could have said something.
She'd just stay in there washing dishes.
That was mom.
Ignore it, and it'll go away.
She let the damn thing hang there, And we're supposed to explain why it's there To our friends? I told people it was Elvis' belt.
Well, yeah.
But you had stupid friends.
Or they were just trying to be nice.
Let's face it, Jackie.
Our family was like totally screwed up, Which is probably why I got fat And you can't have any decent relationship With any man.
Or Maybe I just never found the right guy, And you never found the wrong doughnut.
Well That's probably how we survived.
We could always make each other laugh.
I know.
Are you sorry you came? No.
No.
'Cause I think, well, you know, We probably needed to do this.
Goodbye, house.
Yeah.
Man.
Let's go pick up a couple of burgers.
Yeahor sailors.
Captioning performed by the national captioning institute, inc.
Public performance of captions prohibited without permission of So? Not bad.
I Divided everything into sections-- Automotive, gardening, And home repair.
That's a lot better than the animal, vegetable, mineral system You had going, Dan.
Tools on the pegboard? Isn't that what you wanted? It's fine.
What's all this? I Divided the nuts and bolts and screws and nails And put them in separate jars.
Is that o.
k.
? Next time, check with me first.
Well, am I done? I guess.
So here's the deal-- you're off of grounding and you can see david.
Really? Thanks to your aunt Jackie.
But-- You mess up in any way, and he's gone.
You got it? Yeah, o.
k.
O.
k.
Now, go spread joy.
Whee! Man, this place is almost as clean as the kitchen.
There's actually room for my truck.
You ain't driving that filthy thing in here.
Jeez, this is unbelievable! You know, report cards are coming up.
I Bet we can get her to build us a pool.
This is so unfair.
When I started seeing Mark, You guys made it impossible.
You totally caved on this david thing.
This sucks.
It's not the same.
She's not dating this boy.
Oh, please! You know she's gonna! What do you want, Becky? I'm sick of the double standard around here.
I want us both to be treated the same.
O.
k.
Then you get started On cleaning up the basement! Why do I bother? Nice save on the double-standard deal.
But you know, we don't have to see it As a double standard.
Let's see it as different kids need different rules.
Yes, that's good.
And we didn't cave on this david thing.
We adapted to a difficult situation.
Well done, my man.
Hey, I got one.
Darlene isn't totally out of control.
She's spunky.
Quite.