Family Guy s04e19 Episode Script

How did you sleep, Peter? Last night I had this crazy dream I was eating a sheep and now my pillow's gone.
Wait.
Here it is.
What the hell was I eating? Sorry.
See you, Lois.
And like I tell you every day, if I come back in the afternoon and you're having sex with somebody, I'll kill you both.
"Thanks to effective treatments, Magic Johnson down to one AID.
" Oh, God.
Did I hit that deaf kid again? They ought to put a bell on that guy.
The nurse says Brian won't be out of surgery for three hours.
- I hope he's gonna be OK.
- Me too.
I know we're not here to place blame, but I can't help feeling like this is somehow Meg's fault.
I just can't stand the thought of losing Brian.
If he dies, I'll have to start hanging out with The Rock again.
One's a baby and the other's black, I think.
At least part black.
Or Hispanic.
I think, possibly there's some Filipino in there.
Yeah, possibly some Filipino.
I mean, if he's black, it's definitely diluted.
I mean, one of his parents must be white.
What the hell is Jessica Alba, for that matter? If I were 40 years younger, I would plough that till next July.
Today I'm going to show you this fascinating episode of Nova that I taped at home for you.
- Are you coming back to bed, Rob? - Hang on, honey.
My jaw keeps locking up.
Well, that's not Nova at all, is it? That's a sex tape I made with my wife.
Of course, nobody here is interested in seeing that.
Are they? Probably not.
No.
OK.
You kind of looked like you were nodding.
No? OK.
OK, we should get back to work.
Next up, does everyone have a lab partner? - I don't.
- Me neither.
- She can be my partner.
- Sarah, that's irresponsible.
- Meg is awful.
- You wanna be my lab partner? - Really? - Sure.
You seem nice.
- Do you wannajoin my after-school club? - Sure.
Now open your books to page I'm sorry.
Can I show this video of me doing my wife? - Here we are, Brian, safe and sound.
- I don't need to be in a wheelchair.
No arguments.
I already went through the trouble of borrowing this ramp from Joe.
- I'll see you, honey.
I'll be back in a - Joe, are you all right? Don't help me up.
I need to retain my independence.
- You need anything from the market? - Power bar! What's wrong, Brian? You've just been sitting on the couch ever since you got back.
- You need to get out of the house.
- I don't know.
I'm a little depressed.
The accident got me thinking about life and how suddenly it can be taken away.
You're gonna feel back to normal in no time.
Here, have some food.
- I'm not hungry.
- Here comes the gravy.
You messy beast.
Well, hello there, Meg.
I can't be seen talking to you any more.
I have friends now, and some of them very popular.
I know.
I heard Sarah is your lab partner.
All those years of you rejecting me finally make sense.
What do you mean? Oh, my God! Meg.
There you are.
Everybody, this is our newest member, Meg.
- Hi, Meg.
- Hi, you gays guys girls.
Listen, Sarah.
I can't be in your club.
I'm not a lesbian.
You can't be serious.
We had a whole party planned for you.
Really? A party? For me? But I guess if you're not a lesbian Wait, wait! You didn't let me finish.
I'm not a lesbian.
I'm a super huge mega-lesbian! Oh, good! You'll fit in with the other mega-lesbians.
Wow! I feel so socially accepted.
Do you have any other friends to invite to your party? No, most of my friends are out of town.
This is going to be great.
We'll stay up late, trade stories Let's watch the video of my ballet recital.
Here it is.
Sunshine Bear! Wait! - Hey, how's it going? - Good.
Those are huge! Those are huge boobs.
And you know what's nice? That you don't have that blue vein up there that some of the bigger ones get.
What? I said you don't have that.
- Hey, buddy.
You're not looking so good.
- Who cares how I look? Nothing matters.
We could all die tomorrow, every one of us.
Isn't that a damn good reason to live it up today? Come on.
It can't be that simple.
Excuse me.
I got a thing to do.
All right, we have a very special guest tonight.
Please welcome the member of the board, Frank Sinatra Jr.
All this singing is contagious.
I'll sing too.
Adam West A little bit softer now.
I'll come out when they're all gone.
Wow, you actually got to sing with Frank Sinatra Jr? It was amazing.
I got to tell you, he said some things that were exactly what I needed to hear and I was just inspired to get up on that stage.
Gotta live life for today, you know.
Brian, don't you think it's a little too early to be hitting the booze? Why wait? You gotta live life while you can and live it hard.
- The Chris Farley method? Good.
- Frank invited me back tonight.
I feel more exhilarated than Peter did when he swam with the bulls.
Yeah, that's fair.
That's totally a fair score.
Brian, when you wear that suit, it looks like you're taking a white poop.
But it stuck.
Lois asked me to baby-sit you, so stay here and be quiet.
I'll be back after my first set.
What the hell am I supposed to do to kill time? Maybe I'll play 52 pickup.
This game's better with someone else.
Then they can say, "I'm not going to pick up those cards.
" Then I say, "You have to, it's 52 pickup.
" And they say, "Well, what if I just leave them there?" And I say, "Those are my father's cards.
" "You can't leave them there.
He's gonna be mad.
" Where am I? Get outta here! Whoa, easy, kid.
These people paid good money to get in here.
How much are you charging them to get out? That was sensational.
We'll be the biggest thing since Edison and electricity.
Look at Edison over there with his damn electricity.
Edison! How about sharing some of those light bulbs? - Figure it out for yourself.
- We're freezing our asses off over here.
How do you think I feel? You get to look at my great house.
I look at that dark thing! - What is that? A candle over there? - Yeah, it's a candle.
We're freezing over here.
No one in my family's taken a bath in a month.
We stink! It stinks over here, you jerk! - I can't hear you over my central heating.
- Go to hell! Bite me, man! You seen The Office? Guess you haven't, cos you don't have a TV! How about I come over and kick your ass? Ooh, yeah, come on over.
- What is this, Lois? - It's jambalaya.
It's a new recipe.
Peter.
Eat your food, mister.
All right, if you don't want it, put it in your napkin.
Peter! Put it in your napkin.
Put it in your napkin.
I'm not gonna Peter! You know, some people would be very happy to have this food.
Like John Goodman's family.
- Please, Daddy.
- I told you.
When I'm finished, you can have what's left! There won't be any left.
There's never any left.
Happy Thanksgiving.
- Mom, why is the cable guy here? - It's me.
And I have something to tell you all.
Mom, Dad, I am a lesbian.
That is awesome.
Peter! Meg, you are not a lesbian.
I don't care what you think.
All my lesbian friends accept me and that's all that matters.
You're my daughter.
I would accept you if you were gay, blind or retarded, but you're not.
You guys don't care about me and my struggle.
I hate you! I think you're trying to fit in by pretending to be something you're not.
Like the time Peter pretended to be racist to get out ofjury duty.
Awful lot of honkies in here.
Brian! There you are.
Do you have any idea what time it is? Stewie was meant to be in bed two hours ago.
Oh, yeah.
He's He was right here, right next to me, like, four hours ago.
What? Brian, you were supposed to watch him.
My little sweetie.
Brian, remember me? I'm the guy you left standing at the counter at McDonald's.
It's funny.
I tried to walk home.
A lot of hungry deer walking around at this hour.
Here's where the story gets fun.
You may have noticed I'm missing an ear.
Managed to pull it out of the deer's mouth and put it in some ice I got at a 7-Eleven.
When you're ready to apologise, just talk into this cup.
- Brian, this is inexcusable.
- What if something had happened to Stewie? - My ear's in a cup.
I guess that doesn't count.
- I'm not his baby-sitter.
I have my own life.
This is cos you've been with that Frank Sinatra Jr.
I am gonna call his mother Mia Farrow and give her a piece of my mind.
You're gonna stop singing at that club.
Operator, Mia Farrow.
You stay out of my life! What the hell is happening to you? Don't worry.
I don't need to go to the hospital.
I'll just use this Mr Potato Head piece.
- He bit me, Lois.
The bastard bit me.
- Honey, I'm sure he didn't mean it.
Brian's going through some heavy stuff right now.
He almost died.
Listen, Peter I just want to apolo You know what? Forget it.
I don't need this.
I'm outta here.
- Look what you did, Peter.
- I can't help it.
I haven't been so scared since I was mugged by Gene Shalit.
Don't Panic Room.
I'm not going to William Hurt you.
I only want your Tango & Cash.
So just Pay It Forward and we'll all be Happy Gilmore.
What? So how's my suddenly lesbian daughter doing? Great.
We're checking out naked girls.
I am so into girls.
Come on, Meg, you can stop the charade.
My God, you're as transparent as your father was when he pretended to be a Hassidic Jew to get off work.
Good morning, Hebrews and Shebrews.
What a glorious Jewish day.
How about all those coupons in the Sunday paper, huh? Some good deals there.
I went into a store last week and they wanted 800 bucks for a TV, but I ussed them down to 500.
It's not a charade, Mom.
I am a lesbian.
What do I have to do to prove this to you? Maybe if I'd seen you kiss your girlfriend.
- Fine.
- What was that? Is she your grandmother? That's no kiss.
Watch this.
I can't tell you how to lead your life.
If you don't wanna face the truth, there's nothing I can do about it.
Chris, I'm all out of digital audio tape.
Oh, he's gone.
Can I get you to sign these release forms? - Where the hell is Brian? - I don't know, but I'd better go find him.
We can't sit watching infomercials all night.
Hello.
How come I rich and you not? How come you not sell real estate like I do? How come I sleep with your wife while you at work then pee in your toilet and don't flush? And sometimes I open the back part and pee there, so when you flush, pee come out.
You know why? Cos I'm smart.
I'm smart, you stupid.
Call now.
Brian! Brian! Bri Who am I kidding? All those buttons, I'll look like Steve Harvey.
Brian! I'll ask the cashier if I can put this up in the window.
I definitely need a breath freshener.
But that's going to give me 11 items.
- That's fine.
- No, no, no.
Rules is rules.
Let's see what I'm going to put back.
I need the Reynolds Wrap and the bathroom tissue.
I could do without the Triscuits, but they sure are good.
I came down here in the first place.
You know what? I'm not going to need the V8 cos I can just get some tomato juice at the mini-mart down the street.
It's a little more expensive, but that's OK.
I like to help out a small business.
I hope it's OK if I pay you in pennies.
- Oh, God.
A gutter? How cliché.
- I don't know what went wrong.
I was just trying to live for the moment, you know? Because life can end so abruptly and there's nothing you can do to stop it.
Is that why you've been on this path to self-destruction? You know, Brian, as smart as you are, you've got to accept that there are some things in life that you just can't control.
You mean the way you can't control the messed-up way that you laugh when you think something's really, really funny? I don't understand why these cookies are giving us all the fits.
Well, no wonder, Faith.
That's not baking powder.
It's sneezing powder.
But I already brought a whole batch to the church bake sale.
No wonder that priest kept saying "bless you".
Yes, I accept that.
Your problem is you think that if you're not in control, nothing matters.
That you don't matter.
But you know what? You matter to someone.
You matter big time.
- Hey, Meg.
What are you doing here? - Sarah, I gotta get something off my chest.
Yes! - I need to open up.
- Sweet.
So get ready cos here it is.
My mom was right.
- What do you mean? - I'm not gay.
What? So all those rounds of golf we played, those were all lies? I'm so sorry.
For the first time in my life, I felt like I belonged.
And I wanted it to be true, so I pretended to be something I'm not.
- You choose to be heterosexual? - I thought being gay wasn't a choice.
- Well, not for guys.
- It was wrong to mislead you.
I should go.
That was awful.
That was just awful.
What do you think, Mark? I don't know, man.
We didn't get the shots we need.
What do you think, Mike? I mean, if you saw action going on in front of you, would you know instinctively to centre it? I don't know.
Can someone take my soda out of the ice box, please, so it doesn't freeze? - Lady! - You're fired.
- Frank, there you are.
- Mia Farrow? What's this I hear about you up all night with a baby and a dog? - Leave me alone.
- Get over here, young man.
Oh, damn it all.
All right, all bets are in.
Rupert, bad idea trusting the Celtics.
Worse than when I trusted Brian to pack my parachute.
Hey, Brian.
Care to place a wager? Tomorrow night on Fox's Celebrity Boxing I've got Carol Channing beating Mike Tyson.
You've got Carol Channing the actress beating Mike Tyson the boxer? Give me $50 on Tyson.
You're in good company.
Betting Freddy bet the same.
Bet! Wait a minute.
There's nothing funny about an addiction.
Vote "no" on Indian gaming laws.
We're back with Fox Celebrity Boxing with Mike Tyson and Carol Channing.
How Carol Channing outlasted that barrage in the second round, we'll never know.