Home Improvement s04e19 Episode Script

(Tim) Focus on me, pull off Al (man) OK, we're going in 60 seconds.
(Jill) Tim? Hold on a second.
What, honey? What? Excuse me.
There are trucks double-parked all the way down the street.
You said that if you did Tool Time from our bathroom, that it would be you, Al, Heidi and one cameraman.
Wait till the audience gets here.
I'm just kidding.
Look, I had to do something to boost the ratings, all right? Oh, this'll be a real ratings-grabber.
"Hey, Myrtle, forget Hawaii.
Let's just stay home and watch Tim play with his toilet.
" OK, we're going.
If you're not in this shot, get off the set.
Let's go, let's go.
Let's have a good one! Come on! All right, we're going in five, four, three, two Welcome to a very special ToolTime, live from Tim's bathroom.
Now here they are, those princes of porcelain, those titans of the toilet, those jokers of the john, those bad boys of the bowl, those (Tim) Heidi! Sorry.
Tim Taylor and Al Borland.
It's Water Conservation Week on Tool Time, and what better place to conserve some water than right here in the bathroom? That's right.
Today we're gonna show you how to install low-flow aerators, shower heads, and some water-conserving devices for the toilet.
But first, a little Tool Time riddle.
What does the 50-yard line, behind home plate and your home toilet have in common? (makes buzzer noise) The best seats in the house! All right, now.
The standard toilet uses about 3.
5 gallons per flush.
Now, you can lessen that amount by displacing the water in the tank.
You do that by taking off the top and filling that with large, heavy objects.
Now, we're not sure if it's gonna work, but we're gonna have Al jump in there.
OK, Al, hop in.
I was talking more along the lines of perhaps a brick, a bag of marbles or a plastic bottle filled with water.
Another way to conserve water, if you can afford it, is a new toilet.
What we recommend is the Binford 6100 series pressure-activated toilet.
That's right.
It only uses 1.
4 gallons of water.
Better than any toilet on the market.
Not true.
The toilet on the space shuttle uses absolutely no water.
Thank you, Flush Gordon.
We'll be back with more toilet tips after these few messages from Binford.
Don, do something about the lights in here.
What the heck is going on? (Al) Klaus? Klaus? (Heidi) Wardrobe? They're towing cars.
If you're double-parked, better move 'em.
All right, move the cars.
Didn't you get permits? Hurry, hurry, let's go.
Hustle, hustle.
Hey, where are you guys going? We're on! We're on in five, four, three, two Welcome back to Tool Time, with those kings of the can, those lords of the loo, those thrill-seekers of the throne, those heroes of the head, those (Tim) Heidi! Man, I can't wait till Saturday.
Sherman's bar mitzvah's gonna be awesome.
I thought you had to be Jewish to go to a bar mitzvah? Right, Mark.
And you have to be Swiss to eat cheese.
What is a bar mitzvah, anyways? When a Jewish boy turns 13, they say a whole bunch of prayers, Wilson, I want to ask you a question.
(smashing noises) What are you doing? You know, Tim, I'm practicing an ancient Greek tradition.
It's said that to fend off a flea problem you pelt the front of your door with jugs.
Oh, don't use that word.
Um I I inadvertently saw my sister-in-law in the buff.
I walked in the shower, I thought Jill was in there and she was standing right there.
Well, Tim, that sounds totally innocent.
It was.
But she's family, and you expect family to give a reaction like your 80 or 90-year-old grandma, but Grandma never looked like that.
So you enjoyed seeing Nancy in her birthday suit.
It was a very happy birthday.
Yes, I did.
Well, Tim, this brings to mind the great Buddha.
A cheese.
That's Gouda.
I'm talking about Buddha.
The prophet.
Ah.
Even though I've always considered him a pretty big cheese.
(chuckles) Anyway Buddha says that men are conquerors if they have conquered the intoxications of temptation.
Yeah.
Oh, that's (grunts) I have no idea what you just said.
What I'm saying is it's perfectly natural for a man to be drawn to a woman he finds attractive.
I just wish this hadn't happened.
If I'm gonna walk in on a family member, it should be my brother Brian's wife.
No, Grandma, mom's not here.
Yeah, she's having lunch with Aunt Nancy.
All right, I'll give her the message.
OK, Grandma.
I'm writing it down right now.
OK.
Love you too.
Sherman's bar mitzvah's already over? No, but for me it's in limbo.
What do you mean? I, uh, split my pants doing the limbo.
Where's Mom? I need her to sew these back up so I can get back to the party.
She's not here.
What am I gonna do? I don't know.
I know.
Staple me shut.
I hate to pry, fellas.
What are you doing? Randy split his pants doing the limbo.
And you're using a stapler to fix it? That's material on human flesh back there, pal.
Let me get my hot glue gun.
So long, Dad.
Wait, wait.
I'm not done yet.
One brother stapling another's butt.
Brings back fond memories.
It was never my intent to hurt you.
How'd it go? I got it.
You're looking at the new manager.
Congratulations! Thanks.
Thanks a lot.
I want to tell Nancy.
Have you seen her? No.
Why? Just asking.
Hey, this is gonna be great, isn't it? Yeah.
You and me back in the same city again.
Although I don't know if I can afford a house out here.
Come on, come on.
We'll go look for one, maybe a little fixer-upper.
And you know who can do the fixing.
I'm hoping Al.
Hey! Nance, Jill.
I got the job.
Oh, great! I knew you would! (Jill) Congratulations! Welcome to the neighborhood.
(Marty) Thanks very much.
Thanks.
Hey, I want to propose a toast.
All right.
My new job, to Tim and Jill for all your encouragement, and to my lovely wife, Nancy - who's always been there for me.
Congratulations, Marty.
Who I must say is looking particularly delightful this evening in this outfit.
Don't you think so, Tim? I never notice what she's wearing.
I noticed what Jill's wearing.
And it looks lovely on you.
Thank you, sweetie.
It is gonna be so great to have you living nearby.
You know, Tim and I can baby-sit for you any time.
(Nancy) Great.
They're gonna be walking and talking soon.
I know.
I can't believe they're almost a year old.
Seems like just yesterday you were pregnant.
I still remember the time you drove up to Saginaw and surprised Nancy during her shower.
You know, speaking of showers Wait a minute.
Isn't that our song? We don't have a song.
We do now.
Let's dance.
Come on.
Nance? Come on.
You OK? You're acting even stranger than normal.
I'm all right.
You have a problem with Nancy? You seem a little uncomfortable around her.
I'm not uncomfortable.
Good.
'Cause I think she's great.
The more I see of her, the more I like her.
Me too.
Hey.
What? I'm cutting in.
I want to dance with my beautiful sister-in-law.
Well, what about me? I'll dance with you next time.
Come on.
In the meantime, you dance with your beautiful sister-in-law.
This is ridiculous.
There is so much space between us we could fit in another person.
OK.
Excuse me.
Care to join us? Hey! I don't go in for that type of thing.
Tim, I really think it's time we tell them what happened.
No.
It's too late now.
If we wanted to tell 'em, we should've told 'em right away.
I wanted to tell them, but you talked me out of it.
OK, OK, I agree.
Next time we see each other naked, we tell 'em right away.
Boy, that was fun.
What a dancer! Let's eat.
Oh.
OK.
Well, OK, so what are we having? What have we got? Lots of good choices here.
I think there's something Tim and I should share.
Chicken and ribs! How about that, huh? I could have the ribs, you have the chicken.
That works out.
We'll do it that way.
That's good.
That's not what I wanted to share.
Well, uh Liver and onions.
I'll take all the onions, you know I like onions.
Shouldn't have too many of them, though, 'cause onions are Well, they, you know.
No.
The specials, of course.
Mike, what are the specials? All-beef wieners.
Your choice of buns.
( "La Cucaracha" on jukebox) What was it you were trying to say? That's our song, right there.
That's our song.
"La Cucaracha" is our song? La cucaracha, la cucaracha Tim and I saw each other naked.
I didn't mean to, I thought it was you, la la la la la la! Hey, everybody, come on! Well, was that a fun evening or what? Put me down for "or what.
" Will you let it go, Marty? The whole thing was totally innocent.
Sure, to you and Peeping Tim here.
Marty, it was an accident, OK? It was like the first time that guy Buddha sold his first naked cheese.
How can you feel anything but pity for a man like this? I just don't like the idea that you saw my wife without her clothes on.
Oh, grow up, will ya? Would it make you feel better if you saw my wife without her clothes on? Tim! Well Marty! Can you believe Marty? He's the most immature guy I've ever met.
No.
That would be the guy who thought a fair trade would be to see his wife naked.
I was just doing that to calm him down.
Nobody wants to see you naked.
Thank you so much.
I'm sorry.
What I meant was, other than me, nobody wants to see you naked.
Look, it didn't bother me that you saw Nancy naked.
I just don't understand why you didn't tell me about it.
Nancy didn't think it would be a good idea.
And so that's why she was the one that brought it up at dinner? She's a very complicated woman.
Admit it.
You didn't tell me about it because you liked what you saw.
I didn't like it.
I didn't hate it.
You liked what you saw and you felt a little guilty about it.
No.
I felt real guilty about it.
That's good.
It proves one thing: I've trained you well.
And even though it was an accident, you feel guilty.
That's good.
I like it.
This is pathetic.
Because of you, I can't even enjoy the sight of another naked woman.
That is the nicest thing you ever said to me.
Well, I meant every word of it.
Know what else? I don't even remember what she looked like.
Yeah, right.
Well, that's my story, and I'm sticking with it.
Besides, I do remember why I went into the shower to begin with.
I thought you were there.
What exactly were you planning on doing in there? Jump in the shower, I'll show you.
All right.
(shower starts running) La cucaracha, la cucaracha (Tim) La la la la, la la la la la La la la la la la la la Nancy, I'm in here.
Nance.
Nance! Surprise! Hey, Marty.
How you doing, big boy? Here, get my back, will you? We're gonna show you how to install water aerators, shower heads and One of these.
They be put in the back of the thing to make sure you compartmentalize Tim, this is ridiculous.
There is so much space between us we could fit another person in here.
There's an idea.
Hey, buddy, you want to join us? Hey! Yeah.
Come on, you guys.
Dinner's hot.
(Mark) What did you get? Everybody's favorite - Polish food.
Oh All right, I love Polish food.
I went down to Hamtramick Stan's.
You were supposed to get pizza.
Anybody can get pizza.
You didn't.
That's 'cause on the way to get the pizza, I heard the call for kielbasa.
You know, the last time you ate Polish food, you were up half the night.
And in the bathroom the other half.
That's because I made a pig out of myself.
This time, I didn't order so much.
These things look great.
Oh these are great.
Brad, you oughta try the duck blood soup.
It's all right, Dad.
For lunch, I had a chicken gut sandwich.
I hope you're not gonna stuff yourself again.
Once you get started on golabkis, it's hard to put the brakes on.
It's not the brakes I'm worried about, it's your full tank of gas.