Roseanne s04e19 Episode Script

[Ball bouncing.]
This happens every time those two guys have a sleep-over.
D.
J.
, quit bouncing that ball! [Bouncing stops.]
[Bouncing.]
You, too, Todd! [Bouncing stops.]
[Thump thump thump thump.]
Now, see, you didn't tell them Not to jump up and down on the bed.
Dan, go up there.
It's your turn.
I Went last time.
All right.
I guess if they don't listen to reason, They're sure going to listen to me.
Now, listen up! There will be no talking, no giggling or laughing, No playing music, no singing, No animal noises, No doing whatever the hell you were doing When you were making That peg-leg kind of thumping noise, No bird calls, no bouncing the ball, And no jumping on the bed, or I'm coming up there! Now, go to sleep! Ohh That ought to cover it.
Ohhgod, I'm going to be so tired tomorrow, I won't be able to think.
Yeah.
Me, too, But luckily, I'll be at work.
[Belch.]
Did I say no burping? I don't think so.
Loophole.
You can't think of everything, dear.
Dan, come on.
It's your turn now.
O.
k.
[Belch.]
Come on, Roseanne, look at this counter.
You know, you're right.
That's it.
I Give up.
You're fired.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha Hey, I'm not kidding, Roseanne.
I am the boss, And you're the help.
If you can't accept that, I can call security, and they'll escort you out.
O.
k.
I'll clean the counter, adolf.
That's better.
God, I really hate having to suck up like that.
Yeah.
Ever since he broke up with Steven, He's such a crab.
I know something you don't know What? Tell me.
Well, yesterday while Leon was at work, Steven brought a truck to his house, Took all the furniture and his entire cd collection.
No way.
I swear.
I heard him on the phone.
I mean, he's really hurting.
I think I'll be nicer to him today.
Oh, you're on your own.
Roseanne? Hi, Kathy.
Sorry to bother you at work.
This is about Todd.
My son's exhausted today.
You knew his bedtime was 9:00.
Yeah.
I got your memo, You know, that he's allergic to strawberries And he can't sleep on polyester And he's a-b positive.
A-b negative, Roseanne.
You could have killed him.
I'm exhausted.
Why don't you just tell me my punishment, And then we'll move on? When I tell Todd to go to sleep, he goes to sleep.
Gee, the boys were planning another sleep-over tonight.
Since you're so good at putting people to sleep, Why don't you take them? Fine.
Send D.
J.
Over after dinner.
Great.
Goodbye, Roseanne.
Ciao.
You'll be watching the sunrise.
Who was that? That is my lovely neighbor.
Oh, the ice-pop lady, eh? Frozen solid with a great big stick up her butt.
He's baaaack Stop it.
Look, I just got word That upper management, in its infinite wisdom, Has decided to use our funky little luncheonette For part of some ill-conceived TV commercial.
Cool.
We're going to be on TV? Oh, no.
I could be wrong here, But I'm guessing the waitresses Will be played by friendly, courteous types Who don't wander off to nap in the mattress department.
Meanwhile, this whole place has to be scrubbed From top to bottom Per the orders of my weaselly little boss.
Oh, he's got one of them, too, huh? They'll be filming people eating in this area, So I want all these booths scrubbed down.
Are they paying these people to sit and eat? Mm-hmm.
$50 For the day.
Hey, I'll take a table for six.
I have no control over this, Roseanne.
No, but you could put in a good word.
Perhaps.
But why? Because, um, Maybe I'll go out and buy you A brand-new liza minnelli cd.
Wait a minute.
What do you know? I know about heartache.
This is such a joke.
We go to the mall on saturday sit around pretending we like lousy food? What's your problem? We've been rehearsing for this all our lives.
It's a lie.
It's demeaning.
It represents everything I hate.
Then why are you doing it? Money.
Not me.
It's in my blood.
Hiya, friends.
Discount Dan here for Rodbell's.
If you're like me-- born to shop-- You'll appreciate the convenience and value Of dining at Rodbell's, Where, "there's always something under the gravy.
" Hey! Ho.
Must be my ride to hollywood.
Morning, Dan.
Hey, jerry.
Want some coffee? I'm taking the boys to school.
D.
J.
! No, he spent the night at my house, Dan.
Right.
Right.
I'd better get going, too.
Are you coming, Darlene? Yeah.
Hey, mr.
Bowman, I heard you and Mrs.
.
Bowman screaming last night.
Way to stand your ground.
Very impressive.
So I guess the whole block heard us, huh? Nothing to be embarrassed about, jer.
When you said, "we ain't moving back to Chicago, and that's final," Men all over the neighborhood Took a little bit more of the blanket.
Really? To be honest, I didn't think you had it in you.
To be honest, we're moving back to Chicago.
Jerry, jerry, jerry, why? Wellman's in big trouble-- Big cutbacks in management.
My job's one of the first to go.
Man, I'm sorry to hear that.
Yeah, well, it happens.
Couldn't you find something else here? Probably not for the money I was making.
It's o.
k.
A job's waiting in Chicago.
What kind of job? It's like a Like a son-in-law job.
Jerry, jerry, jerry, It's not gonna say that on your parking space, is it? I just wanted to let you know.
We'll be selling the house, And Kathy asked me to ask you if you could If you could, uh Clean up your yard.
Sure, buddy.
You got it.
I'm going to miss you, jer.
Same here, Dan.
What's really tough is separating Todd and D.
J.
Those kids get along so great together.
Yeah.
It was nice D.
J.
Having a friend The rest of us could see.
Here comes your sister, ask her.
No way.
You ask her.
You ask her.
What do you geeks want to know? What's a virgin? You in 40 years.
O.
k.
, o.
k.
Everybody excited about the commercial today? Me, too.
Guys What are you doing? Chewing.
What about you, Dan? I'm a little ahead of you, dear.
I just swallowed.
Well, you're supposed to be eating In the commercial today.
If you ruin your appetites now, You'll never be able to eat on camera.
Is that so? I can't wait to go back to Chicago And leave stupid Lanford.
Lanford's not stupid.
Chicago's stupid.
It is not.
Chicago's got everything.
Does not.
Does, too.
There's a park near my house Better than anything here.
You're going to have to join a gang.
No way.
And my friends have better games.
Then go play with them.
Hey.
Give me that.
No.
Then I'm leaving.
Good.
I mean it.
It's getting really ugly in there.
The way Todd yaks about Chicago, I wouldn't play with him, either.
Oh, Todd's a nice boy, though.
He's good for D.
J.
, too.
Since they've been playing together, The squirrel population has doubled.
I'm so glad we're moving away from you.
You're only moving to Chicago 'Cause your mom needs an operation.
She does n0t.
She does, too.
My mom said she's having a big stick Taken out of her butt.
Like looking in a mirror, ain't it? Check the high heels on barbarella over there.
Yeah.
She steps on one moist carrot And her bony butt's going to slide All the way to garden supplies.
Look at the cashier and her customer.
Oh, yeah, who, stephen and sharon stunning there? Yeah, they look real.
Right.
Deej, isn't this fun? No.
You know, buddy, Maybe Todd's scared about moving to Chicago, And he's trying to be tough about it.
I don't care.
Ohh He's still upset? Yeah.
He didn't even want to measure his head In the shoe department.
Hi, beck.
Where's Darlene? They said she couldn't be in the commercial dressed like death.
She go home? Not yet.
Shut up.
Why, Darlene, you look-- Shut up.
Oh, come on.
It's not so-- Shut up.
O.
k.
What do you want us to do? Just sit here and smile.
So, what do you think? Uh, yeah.
I think so.
You sure they look right? Well, let me get a second opinion.
Leon, come over here.
We're looking at this family here.
Sorry.
I'll get rid of them.
No, no.
We're thinking of using them As the average family.
Well, aren't they a bit too Swap-meet for Rodbell's? Oh, no, no, no.
Believe me, it's perfect.
This is what america's coming to.
Wow.
That's the family.
We're going to be on TV, Dan.
Hi.
I'm ken.
I'm the director.
Hi, ken.
I want you people just to sit here.
We'll run through it once.
Just be yourselves, o.
k.
? Can do, Kenny.
Dad, you're being such a doofus.
Back off, heidi.
This is a rehearsal.
Andaction.
O.
k.
You're walking, and we're singing, Shop well at Rodbell's O.
k.
, girls, bigger smiles, walk faster.
Good.
O.
k.
, you bring in the food.
Mom loves it And dad The girl eats a french fry.
The other one is sipping.
The boy steals a french fry.
Andwe'reout.
O.
k.
Let's take it from the top.
Jackie, you have to come sit with us.
Well, they said to sit here.
I'm the star of the commercial.
If I want you to sit with us, You'll sit with us.
O.
k.
Great.
Now, what am I playing? The aunt.
The aunt.
O.
k.
Why are there two mothers at this table? Oh, uh, she's the aunt.
I don't want an aunt.
O.
k.
We'll lose her.
Hey Am I wrong? The new mother's better? You're nuts.
And more likable? Let's keep the nicer, thinner mom.
Stick the other one around the back somewhere.
Come with me, ma'am.
Well, I want to be in the commercial.
Doesn't matter where you are.
Everybody makes the same 50 bucks.
You told me 15.
I'm only getting 40.
You're getting 40? Well, I was putting the money away for college.
Take a hike, aunt Roseanne.
I don't believe it.
You guys are going to sit there and smile And pretend that I'm not your mother? Said goodbye to jerry.
He gave me his keys So I can watch his house till they sell it.
All right.
Finally, my own bedroom.
Deej, why don't you see If you can help Todd finish packing? I don't wanna.
Oh, go on.
He's your best friend.
He is not.
Yes, he is.
You'll be mad at yourself if you don't say goodbye.
I don't care.
He's going to be just miserable the next couple of days.
Well, luckily he's in the right house.
Hey! The commercial's on in the next half hour.
Kids, come on down! Why not watch at your house? 'Cause I want to watch here with my husband And my children.
You're hilarious.
Come on, Roseanne.
It's been two weeks.
Everybody else let it drop.
Can't you? Come on.
O.
k.
It's not like I'd ever win an emmy.
Well, there you go.
Hello I, Uh, knocked, But I guess nobody heard.
Hi, Kathy.
Todd has come to say goodbye.
Come on, D.
J.
I don't wanna.
Oh, just come on.
No.
Todd No.
D.
J.
, don't you have something to say to Todd? Todd, tell D.
J.
How much you're going to miss him.
Todd, D.
J.
Is just upset right now, But he wants you to know That you're welcome to come visit us anytime.
Well, D.
J.
, the same goes for you.
You're welcome anytime as soon as we're settled in And After my operation.
Um, Todd D.
J.
Wants you to know That he's really sorry that he told you some of the stuff That his mom kind of wishes that she didn't say.
Well, then, D.
J Todd wishes that his mother had invited your mother Over forcoffee orsomething Sometime.
Well, D.
J.
Would have liked that.
Have fun in Chicago.
Thanks.
See ya.
Yeah.
See ya.
Oh, I almost forgot.
Here's Becky's diary.
It was really good.
Told you.
Well I hope you like your next neighbor.
You, too.
Come on, Todd.
Goodbye, everybody.
Bye, Todd.
So long, Todd.
It's on.
It's on.
* Shop well at Rodbell's * * Shop well at Rodbell's * She'll love the fashions.
He'll love the hardware.
You'll both love our new lower prices.
And everyone loves our snack shop Here comes us.
Here comes us.
Especially the kiddies.
Rodbell's.
It's what america's coming to.
* Shop well at Rodbell's ** Oh, my god.
Man, I'm glad I ain't her mother.
So, Steven stuck you with $300 worth of parking tickets? Yeah, but you can't let it get to you.
Or you'll turn into a bitter person.
What if you start off that way? I love your sense of humor.
Let's call it a day.
You said we had to fill these napkin dispensers.
It'll wait till tomorrow.
Can't it? What do you think? I don't know, but I like him better than the old boss.
Hello.
You're that director guy.
Why are you here? Hi, Kenny.
Ready to go? Oh, you bet.
Well, night, ladies.
Good night.
Good night.
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