Mike & Molly s04e20 Episode Script

Oh, I see.
That's so sweet of you guys to celebrate your anniversary with us.
Oh.
Well, we thought it would be fun to share it with everyone who was there at our wedding day.
Plus, I forgot to make reservations at a restaurant.
And I forgot it was our anniversary until about an hour ago.
To the best wife ever! Hey! I remember that wedding like it was yesterday.
Of course, I was with Christina then.
It was only later that she ripped my heart out of my chest.
But that night was fun.
Carl, that is Christina's loss.
May all the people who dumped us burn in hell.
Yeah.
And here's to Mike and Molly.
Oh, boy.
I am beat.
How about you? Yeah, just came on like a wave.
Maybe we should head back.
You guys stay and have a good time.
Okay.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! This is your party.
What, are you just gonna - run out on the bill? - You're right.
You're right.
Here we go.
Yup, yup.
Enjoy yourselves.
Okay.
What are we supposed to do with that? Split a Lowenbrau? All right, here you go.
Make it last.
Happy anniversary! Happy anniversary! They're gonna go do it, right? Oh, yeah.
Can you imagine if we needed an empty house every time we wanted to have sex? Yeah, we'd be broke and they'd be alcoholics.
To the happy couple! To the happy couple! What? You tell 'em, honey.
Do not tell Mike.
La, la-ba-dee-da La, la-ba-dee-da For the first time in my life I see love I see love For the first time in my life I see love Damn it, why did you guys have to leave so much cash? What were you thinking, giving free booze to people like us? We were trying to be nice.
Irresponsible is what you were.
Your mother had eight White Russians.
You could've killed her.
The booze I can handle.
The dairy was the mistake.
It wasn't the only mistake last night.
Morning.
Oh, there she is.
So, you and Carl have fun last night? I'm surprised you're walking straight.
What? Excuse me? They were going at it like they were never gonna stop.
What, you watched? Oh, yeah! They were just jerki'' and a-twerkin'.
Yeah, grindin' and never-mindin'.
Yeah! After you left, they took over that dance floor.
Oh, good.
Thank God.
You know, I think I should go to work.
Oy vay.
Last time I had that many White Russians, it was the '70s, and the Moscow Circus was in town.
Victoria, get down here.
I know.
Know what? I saw Carl in the hallway last night.
I told him he should've climbed out the window.
What were you thinking? I was thinking nobody would see him if he climbed out the window.
No! Carl is Mike's best friend and his partner.
How do you think he's gonna take this? Again, the window would've solved everything.
No, it wouldn't 'cause you still slept with him! Molly! If a tree has sex in the forest and nobody finds out, did it ever really happen? What?! I'm saying it's no big deal.
Yes, it is a big deal because it's Carl.
Okay? And you-you can't just throw him away like you do other men.
He's not, he's not a disposable razor.
That's not fair.
Is it true? Yes, but it's not fair.
You know, you get bored of this one, he's not going driving off in the van that he lives in.
He drives off in a squad car with your brother-in-law, my husband.
What about your husband? Hi! He's cute.
Yeah.
And huggable and he minds his own business.
I know what this is about.
You do? She bought me that remote controlled helicopter I wanted for my anniversary, didn't she? Yes! Ah! Best wife ever! Great.
Now I've got to blow 'cause you can't keep it in your pants! I know.
What? I saw Molly this morning.
She can't keep secrets from me.
She told you? I figured it out.
And, Carl, I have been wanting this for years.
Seriously? Oh, yeah, it's gonna be fun as hell.
Man this is such a relief.
And don't worry, we'll take turns.
That is your sister-in-law.
No, it's a remote control helicopter.
Oh.
What were you talking about? Your helicopter thing? Man, I'm sorry.
It's too late for that.
You can't undo what you did.
It just happened.
Nothing just happens.
I don't care how drunk you were last night.
You broke an unspoken rule! It wasn't unspoken.
You've told me to keep my hands off of her for three years.
And you still slept with her! Slept with who? Just drop it.
Was it the one-legged woman in 4B? No.
Was it the UPS girl with the big boobs and the mustache? No.
The balding lady with the parrot? It was Victoria, okay? Is this true? Yup.
You dirty dog! All right, all right.
Take it easy.
My man, this is big news! Hey! There's nothing to celebrate here.
Are you kidding? If he can get somebody so clearly out of his league, that means there's hope for us all.
Hey, I'm a good-looking man.
Carl, come on.
Even you must know that whatever looks you have go away as soon as you open your mouth.
And that-that's what makes all this so confusing.
She knows you.
Well? Molly married you.
Victoria slept with Carl.
Clearly poor judgment runs in the family.
If only there was a third sister.
What the hell were you thinking? I was thinking, "I can't believe this hot chick is sleeping with me.
" My man.
Put it down! Down low? No! Carl, I know you.
You fall too hard and too quick.
And then you get bored and you move on.
And normally, I don't care, but this is my sister-in-law.
Damn it, how am I supposed to tell Molly about this? Don't worry.
She already knows.
What? She caught me sneaking out of Victoria's room last night.
In my home? You did it in my home? Not all of it.
Some of it was in my car.
Aah! I don't want to know! I kind of do.
Hey, sweetie.
Shish kebabs.
Carl told you? Yes.
And apparently I'm the last to know.
I'm sorry.
Well, when were you gonna tell me? Hopefully never.
I was hoping hoping the whole thing would just go away.
Can I ask one question? What? Am I getting a remote controlled helicopter or not? It's in my trunk.
Okay, it's not a cure-all.
But it helps.
Hey, Mike, heard you come in.
Of course you did, because I wasn't sneaking around.
Please don't be mad at me.
What happened between me and Carl last night was a mistake.
A horrible mistake.
Terrible.
But horny is as horny does.
And last night, horny did.
Stop saying "horny.
" I promise it won't happen again.
Carl and I both know it was a one-time thing.
Are you sure? Absolutely.
We regretted it the minute it happened.
Well, actually the minute after it happened.
While it was going on, we were pretty gung-ho.
All right! Mike, don't worry.
I don't see Carl that way.
We're just friends, that's it.
I don't want anything more than that, and I'm sure he doesn't, either.
Okay, thanks.
Carl sent you something.
Probably just a friendship bear.
Yeah.
Read the card.
"Victoria, if what we did last night was wrong, "I don't want to be right.
Press the paw.
" Don't press the paw.
No, press the paw.
Don't press the paw! Press it! Don't I think I love you So what am I so afraid of? Afraid that I'm not sure Shut up, you little! You shut up now! Just a bear.
Enough! Shut up! Hey I think I love you So what am I so afraid of? I'm afraid that I'm not sure of A love there is no cure for.
That's exactly what I thought was gonna happen! Well, I didn't see the bear coming.
I really didn't.
Now I'm gonna be dealing with a brokenhearted Carl.
Do you know how much Norah Jones I'll have to listen to? Well, what do you want me to do force Victoria to like him? No, but it would be nice if she didn't throw herself on top of every Tom, Dick and Carl that comes along.
Hey, Bub, there were two people in that room! Well, he had no choice.
Carl's just a man.
What could he do? What the hell is that supposed to mean? It's a woman's job to stop these things.
Are you an idiot? Yes! I'm an idiot, Carl's an idiot.
We're men.
We're all idiots! I'm sleeping on the couch, aren't I? Oh, you're smart enough to figure that out.
So, are you the one that found the body? Yeah.
Well, he's pretty old.
It's looking like it's natural causes.
Yeah, poor guy.
Mmm.
You know, he kind of promised me his TV.
So, is there, uh, some kind of paperwork, or should I just take it now? Out.
Vulture.
Uh, Victoria's not returning my texts.
Really? That's too bad.
Hey, check his nightstand for next-of-kin information.
Yeah, sure thing.
You-you think she's upset about something? I don't know.
Would you be upset if a pink, four-foot bear showed up at your house and started singing that it loved you? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
It sang, "I think I love you.
" I wanted to leave myself some wiggle room.
Carl, you went from zero to big, singing bear in one day.
You freaked everybody out.
I don't care about "everybody.
" I care about Victoria.
What did she say? Oh, please.
I'm just trying not to get in the middle of this.
Well, it's too late for that.
Guys, can we hurry, please? He's old, he's dead, mystery solved.
Look, I know you don't approve, but can't you just be my friend for a second, and tell me what's going on with Victoria? You don't want to know.
I'm a big boy.
I can handle it.
I just want to know the truth.
All right.
It was a one-time thing.
She's sorry it happened.
And it's over.
Liar! Oh.
Carl, I'm just telling you what she said.
No, no, no, you just don't want me to be happy.
Why-why are you even talking? This is between me and Victoria.
You need to stay the hell out of our love life! There is no love life! Guys? Spot and go straight to a funeral home.
And I know just the one.
- We not going to see Victoria.
- Oh, yes, we are.
Tag 'em and bag 'em, boys.
Me and that dead old man both are going to see an angel.
Carl, stop! Don't go in there.
I need to hear it from her, Mike.
No, you don't.
You can just walk away, and pretend like it never happened.
Like that time I tracked dog crap through the Sizzler.
They replaced the carpets, but we still eat there like nothing happened.
And who's the dog doo in this scenario? Your best friend or your sister-in-law? I'm just saying it was an unfortunate accident.
You were at an anniversary party, romance was in the air.
And you went dancing with a beautiful girl, got caught up in the moment.
Why am I still talking to you? Because you know on the other side of that door is heartbreak.
Thanks for the pep talk, coach.
Suit yourself.
And Carl? I'll pull the car out front so if you're crying, you can run right in, and nobody'll see you.
Oh, yeah? Well, I'm not gonna need that.
And by "front," you mean those doors right outside? On the left side.
Okay.
Hey.
Hey, Carl.
What you doing here? Uh, I was just escorting a body.
Thought I'd pop by and say hello.
Sorry I haven't answered any of your texts.
I've been a little busy.
Yeah, I know.
I get it.
We're-we're all busy.
Oh, and thank you for the bear.
Did you like it? No.
Yeah, yeah, it was a little over the top.
Stupid idea.
Did you happen to press the paw? I did.
Good.
Good, good.
So Listen, Carl.
Yeah.
About the other night.
I think things went a little further than maybe they should have.
Oh, yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
No.
I agree.
I mean, in fact, that's why I came here.
Just to make sure that, you know, things weren't weird between us.
That's such a relief.
Yeah.
I mean, I would hate to think that you thought that it was anything more than a little drunken fling.
Me? Yeah.
No, I-I knew exactly what that night was.
You sure? Yeah, yeah yeah.
No, not really.
Oh, Carl.
Look, I Listen, I ain't gonna lie, Victoria.
I got a little excited.
I I felt we had a real connection there.
We do have a connection.
You're practically family.
Mm-hmm.
And the last thing I want to do is mess that up.
No, you-you're right.
I mean, nothing's worth losing that.
I guess I just needed to hear it from you.
Still friends? Always.
If I squeeze that, is a song gonna come out? You're gonna have to squeeze something else to get that.
You're bad.
Bring it in.
Hey.
Hey, yourself.
Well, what are you, what are you doing here? Going to lunch with my sister.
Because we're women, and that's what we do.
She's in there talking to Carl.
Oh.
Yeah.
Listen, I-I said some stupid things last night.
Yeah, you did.
You did.
Come on, I'm trying to apologize.
Well, go on.
I thought I was done.
No, that was just the introduction to the apology.
Okay.
I'm sorry that I said all that man/woman stuff that I know better than to say in front of you.
Close enough, that's You're forgiven.
Ah, best wife ever.
You know, I really am.
I know.
All right.
You know, why don't the four of us go to lunch, and get over this weird stuff? Tha-That'd be great.
Right? Yeah.
God! Put your clothes on! Aw, doing it in the morgue! They're animals.
Naked Carl! Naked Carl! Is he going to be doing this all night? Just ignore it, and he'll get bored and fly away.
I didn't care when it got caught in my hair, but if he knocks over my wine, there's gonna be a Black Hawk down.
Mike, you're getting too close to the wine! It's not wine, it's a volcano.
And I'm trying to save the villagers.
If you want cheese and crackers, just come and get them.
Ah, it's more fun this way.
Oh, son of a bitch! Blame the man, not the machine! Oh, I got it!