Modern Family s04e20 Episode Script

And, as we make our way out of the gourmet kitchen, we find ourselves back in the warm embrace of the parlor.
Easy Duchess, it's just one room, not Gosford Park.
Where'd you get all this sweet furniture? Oh, we rented it to make the house feel more comfortable and inviting.
Don't sit there! Oh, my gosh.
It took me 20 minutes to get these chops just right.
There.
Does that look straight? Nothing about that looks straight.
I love the house.
It's beautiful.
Here is a tree.
It's a pachira, a Taiwanese symbol of good financial fortune.
It's also known as a money tree.
That makes two of us.
Well, I would like to propose a toast.
Mm.
Missed me.
To the hard work of Claire and Cameron-- or as I like to call them, "Clameron" oh! Which is what potential home buyers will be doing when they see this place.
Clamorin'.
- Clamoring t-to buy it f-- - Phil, don't go back for it.
Because this house is going to sell.
Who's the best realtor in town? - Gil Thorpe.
- That's right, - and he has buyers coming over tomorrow.
- That's right.
Wow! All right.
To Claire and Cam.
My sister.
My partner.
My sister! My partner! My sister! My partner! - "Chinatown.
" Hilarious.
- Still empty.
Okay, you know you're my ride.
- To Clameron! - Here, here.
- Cheers.
- Speech! Oh! Well, gosh, I wasn't prepared for this.
II think we should just really thank the people-- - Here's to the best construction crew in the business.
- Okay.
Okay.
Hank.
Luis.
Paco! Wish you could be here right now, buddy.
What? Did he die? No, he's on the roof, fixing a shingle that he should've gotten right the first time.
- I guess the most important people-- - And then to my partner.
- Yes.
My lifelong companion.
- My lovah.
- Aw.
- Mm.
- Okay, Cam.
- Oh.
Who had his doubts about this project the whole time, and never, even in my darkest moment, - said "I told you so.
" - Oh.
Which is good because he would've been wrong.
- Very gracious.
- Okay.
And I'm sure that the house is gonna sell in no time.
Hey! - Hear, hear.
- Yeah! Hey, I've got a friend who wants to buy a house.
Maybe I can show it to him after school.
Then if he buys it, I'd get the commission.
What would that be? - Adorable.
- Oh! I'm serious.
And I'm not adorable.
I'm getting a mustache.
I know my A-B-C's.
Wow.
I guess things weren't about you for a second.
- Okay, wrapping this up.
- Yeah.
To the fastest sale in real estate history.
- Yes! - Bravo! Seriously, it's bad luck to toast with an empty glass.
Dunphy, I'm not gonna lie to you.
You guys did a nice job on the house.
My buyer wants in.
Fantastic! That is great news! You know, when we first got into this-- Whoa, the small talk's over.
Here's what we're prepared to offer.
You're joking, right? I don't joke about real estate.
I joke about golf and Mexicans.
It's okay, though.
I'm married to one.
W-we're not gonna take this.
It's the first day on the market.
- We'd barely break even.
- Take it.
No.
- The market's crashing! - Nuh-unh.
You're in over your head.
Maybe you're in over your head.
Dunphy, listen to me.
If you pass up on this, you're gonna regret it.
I don't know the meaning of the word "regret.
" Here we go.
French toast, double bacon.
Egg whites, dry toast.
Damn it.
Let me tell you something, Gil.
You may be top dog, but you're the one who's gonna have regrets, 'cause this house is gonna sell like that.
Well that's it for today.
We're going to die in this house.
Oh, the pillows have lost their fluff.
The pillows are not the problem! It's okay, Manny.
I'll see you in a minute.
Yes, I'll be polite and I'll be nice.
I promise.
I'm going to kill him.
What'd Javier do this time? His one big weekend alone with his son, and I just found out that he brought his latest bimbo along.
He always does this.
You remember that time that he took Manny and that stripper fishing? Yeah.
They barely got a nipple.
Come on.
That was good.
I just thought of that.
Are you done? I bet she was comfortable with the pole.
Ah.
Should've quit after "nipple.
" How does Leno do it night after night? I was just wondering that about myself.
Phil, please.
Tell us that you have some good news.
Well, it's complicated because I don't have good news, but I really want you guys to like me.
What? Gil Thorpe called back with another offer, but it was $10,000 lower than the last one.
Lower? Oh, that is perfect.
That's just perfect.
Something you wanna say, Mitchell? Yes.
I told you so.
I warned you this would happen.
I tried to stop it, but you wouldn't let me.
I was right, and you were wrong.
Uh, you live in this ridiculous candy-colored fantasy land.
I am so much smarter than you, and it is killing me not to rub your nose in it! No.
I'm just thinking.
Okay, guys, we have to do something.
We can't carry this house for much longer.
Cam, what did you spend on staging? Uh, let's see.
I don't know.
How can you not know?! Because I was hungry, and everything was so pretty.
And I didn't think it would matter because who could've guessed we wouldn't have sold the house by now? Me.
Phil, do you think you can get Gil Thorpe up to his original offer? - How? - I don't know.
You could, uh, flatter him, stroke his ego.
No, he'd never fall for that.
He's too smart.
Ohh.
But, honey, if anybody can pull it off, you can.
You're so good at everything.
Mm.
That is true.
- I'll do it.
- Mm.
We're back! I cannot believe that again you brought a girl.
What is it this time? A cocktail waitress? A boat show model? A stripper? No, then I could make real money.
I'm just a PhD.
Mom, this is Trish.
- Gloria, hi.
- Hi.
- Jay.
- How do you do? I have heard so much about you.
She works at the museum of art.
It was so cool.
We got an after hours tour, and Trish said I could take flash pictures of the paintings.
But don't worry.
I didn't.
That's a relief.
I was afraid I was gonna have to look at 'em.
So you work at the museum? Oh, no.
I'm just on the board.
I run the art and antiquities department at Christie's.
Oh.
Let me see.
What is the word I am looking for? Oh, yes.
Bam! So how did you two meet? I won a car in a poker game, but it caught on fire, so the guy gave me a painting.
I took it to the auction house, eh, ticky ticky, I made a big profit but I still came home with a masterpiece.
He means her.
May I tell you, you have a wonderful boy? So well-mannered and chivalrous.
It's like he leapt off the canvas of a 16th century portrait by Gainsborough or van Dyke.
Listen to that brain.
Hmm? Can they stay for dinner? Well, that's up to them, papi.
How can I turn down a free meal? First time's the hardest.
What do you say, my love? Well, I'm not sure I'm ready to say good-bye to this guy yet.
But I'll only stay if you let me contribute.
I did bring along a fabulous bottle of '82 Bordeaux that we didn't get to this weekend.
For that, you can take Manny home.
See what I have to put up with? Gil! - Phil Dunphy.
- Ha ha ha! I knew you'd come slinking back! Hey, guys! It's Dunphy.
He's cavin'.
What did I tell you? What did I tell you, hey? Oh, Dunphy, I can play you like a ukulele, 'cause you're small and dainty.
Gil, I wanna talk to you about your offer.
Oh, ho! Let me stop you right there.
This is how this is gonna go down.
First of all, I'm gonna take you out to a very nice dinner.
I'm gonna talk really sweet to you.
And then I'm gonna lay you down by the fire - Oh.
- Slow at first, then If you guys are talking about the house, my friend Zack's still looking.
Honey, 14-year-olds can't afford to buy houses.
He's not 14.
He's a software guy who volunteers at my school.
- We're gonna be sweating - He's an adult with money? He drives a nicer car than you.
Get me his number right now! And then you're gonna go home and tell everybody you went to the movies, but you and I both know that you got thorpedoed.
Guess what, Gil.
This was a courtesy call to tell you that I have another buyer.
So you can tell your buyer that you cost them a great house Because you got cocky and overplayed your hand.
Prepare to Phil the agony of dun-feat.
Both names! Now I'm not an art expert like you, but I did acquire this piece in a gallery in one of the finer Vegas casinos.
What do you think? It does say something.
He used to, before his little voice box broke.
It said, "welcome home, master.
Ruff day?" Again? Would you believe she made me keep this in the attic? Gloria, Trish says this is art.
What was it Thoreau said? "It's not what you look at that matters.
It's what you see.
" Hear that? You were wrong.
Keep talking like that, and you will find out how he lost his voice box.
- What have we here? - His name's Barkley.
That's delightful.
It's not delightful.
It's disgusting.
Uh, look at Warhol.
Look at Koons.
A lot of great works of contemporary art were initially dismissed as garbage.
Excellent point, Trish.
This is not even garbage.
They wouldn't take it.
It's too big for the can.
Now what I see is a man who is not man.
He is a servant who has lost his dignity.
It is a commentary on the class system in society-- as well as a handy place to put your keys and sunglasses.
Whatever he is, your barkley is going back to the attic.
I'm going to see the baby.
Ohh.
Barkley.
Very clever.
Come on, guys.
Let's play.
What are you going to play? Charades.
Me and Trish against dad and Jay.
I have to warn you, Jay.
These two are very good.
It's like they have their own language.
I want to play, too.
Which team should I join? - Go with Manny.
- Go with Jay.
- Them.
- His team.
Okay, then.
Great.
Well, we'll see you tonight.
Well, Zack Barbie is indeed an adult, he likes the neighborhood, and he's interested.
Oh, thank God.
Really? Did God come in here and tell you about him? Because I don't remember it that way.
Okay, okay, this is it, people.
We cannot afford to lose this buyer.
Why am I standing? Phil, do you think this is the right house for him? It's hard to tell.
He's young.
He's single.
I don't know anything else about him.
Zack Barbie.
Born 1986.
Went to college at a place called "mit.
" M.
I.
T.
I know how to spell it.
Five words.
It's a book.
There's an old man On the boat He caught a big fish.
The old man and the fish! Uh, time! "The old man and the sea"! Never heard about it.
Hemingway's classic tale of man versus nature.
Leave it to a guy with a hundred cats to write a good fish story, right? Oh, ho, Trish! What is this, a book club or a fun game? Go.
Play.
Five words.
Second word.
Scared.
Afraid.
- "Who's afraid of Virginia Woolf?" - Got it! - You're amazing! - Oh! Wowie! You could do this for a living.
Really? There's such a thing? No, just like there's no such thing as a professional Broadway enthusiast.
You're gonna have to get a real job.
Okay, it's my turn.
I don't know this.
I don't know this.
Mom, you have to do the one you pick.
Oh, no, Manny.
It's fine.
Just keep picking until you get one you like.
No, no.
I don't have to keep picking.
I'm gonna do this one.
- Uh-oh.
- No, I got this.
Is it a play, a book, or a movie? Yeah, one of those.
"Lost"! "Clueless"! "Dazed and confused"! This is stupid.
Nobody can get this.
You're probably right.
Yeah.
See? This is one of mine.
It's really hard.
Really? What is it? You do it.
Well Play.
"Sweeney Todd"! - Exactly.
- Ah! What a team.
This is a stupid game! Okay, so after a quick scan of his Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, Pinterest, and Instagram, here is what I know.
Privacy is dead? Likes-- Chicago Blackhawks, kickboxing, the movie "Die hard," and beer.
- He sounds like a frat boy.
- Oh, he's many things.
He meditates, he loves Indian food, and he's crazy about his dog Otis.
Does the house have a doggie door? - No.
- No.
Put one in.
You get to Barbie through Otis.
She's like the girl with the dragon tattoo.
With cuter hair.
- Stop talking! - Oh, she really is.
Dude has a thing for chicks in black tights, he likes old school funk, and he chipped his front tooth playing soccer.
Aw! It's actually kind of cute.
Oh, my God.
You're falling in love with him.
Oh, please.
It's just a job, nothing more.
Okay, that's enough to go on.
Let's move.
We've got two hours to turn that place into Zack Barbie's dream house.
- Barbie's dream house.
- We don't have time! What the hell was all that about? Why don't you ask Trish? She knows everything.
Well, at least she's not a bimbo.
She and Manny seem to hit it off fine.
What's the problem? Just one weekend, and he already idolizes her.
And why wouldn't he? She's so much smarter than me.
She knows so much more about the things that he loves.
They have their little inside jokes.
If she learns how to froth his cappuccino, I am history.
You and Manny have the closest relationship I've ever seen.
Hell, he may never form a healthy attachment with another woman after you.
You're just saying that.
And it doesn't matter if Manny likes her.
Knowing Javier's track record, he'll dump her like he dumps everybody.
You are wrong, Jay.
I'm not going to dump her.
In fact, this weekend, I asked Trish to marry me.
You're going to marry her? I was waiting for the right time to tell you.
Nailed it.
I wanted to ask you for my abuela's ring back.
I really want Trish to wear it.
She is the most amazing woman I've ever known.
You see that I am holding a knife.
Please.
Half our marriage was you with a knife.
Trish is the one.
And Manny already loves her.
He can spend more time with us now-- Holidays, summers even.
Fine.
I'll go get you the ring.
But you owe me $8 because I had to replace "the emerald.
" Javier, you've brought a lot of 30-year-olds around here, but this one's my favorite.
And I like Trish, too.
Me, too.
Well, then I suppose this is as good a moment as any to tell you, Manny.
Trish and I are getting married.
Oh, my gosh.
This is the best news ever! Here.
Drink.
Now listen, my love.
This belonged to my abuela.
Um, maybe not now, Javier.
No, no.
Please.
Please.
It will fill my heart to see this ring on your your finger.
Oh.
It's-- it's a little small.
I can't do this.
No, no.
I'll just push a little harder.
Javier, stop.
It'll never work.
But wait, my love.
We can put butter on your finger.
That's him.
Hit it.
Hey! Not him.
Hey, guys.
Sorry it took me so long.
I've never bought beer before.
There's just so many choices.
Do we really need that much? I don't know.
Is this a lot? Showtime! Hey! Not him.
Hey! Thought I'd just swing by and see how it's going.
Zack here? Oh, my God.
You are wearing black tights.
Alex was right.
You are into him.
That skank Zoey broke his heart.
I can make him whole again! Haley.
Okay, that has to be him.
Everyone we know is already here.
- Everyone, places.
Let's make this perfect.
- Yes.
I'm Ira Glass.
- Today on the program - No, no.
- That's not it.
- Turn that off! - No, no, no, no, no! - Turn it off! It's the back button.
Hey! You must be Zack.
- Yeah.
- I'm Phil Dunphy.
Come on in.
- Hi.
- Yeah.
These are my associates.
- Hello! - Good evening.
- Hi! - Hello.
- Hi! Oh, and my, uh, my daughter.
So this is the place.
Looks nice.
So, Zack, you hungry? Uh, no.
But, uh, it smells great.
Yeah, it's from this amazing Indian place just down the road.
It's walking distance.
Which is awesome if you've had one too many brewskis, am I right? Yeah.
Oh.
Is someone a Blackhawks fan? Love the hawks.
Yeah, well, that's a weird coincidence.
Let's go check out the kickboxing gym.
Seriously? I kickbox.
- What?! - Yeah.
Come on! Haley! Trish, open up! No.
I don't want to see you right now.
Open up, or I'm going to break down the door! Hey! Hey, hey, hey! Don't break down the door! Ay, caramba.
I'm beginning to think I should've just bought a ring.
- Let me talk to her.
- You? Yes.
She's scared.
Maybe I can help.
Help her go adios.
Go ahead.
And you tell her she's being crazy and irrational.
And if she doesn't come out, I'm going to burn down this house! Don't burn down the house! Trish, open! It's Gloria.
I'm sorry.
I needed to be alone.
In Manny's bedroom? Well I thought it was a bathroom.
It smells like potpourri.
Mm.
Listen, I would be the first person to understand that you're having second thoughts about marrying Javier.
I am, but I do love him.
Of course you do, even though he's irresponsible and impulsive, and if your sisters are even a little bit pretty, - he's gonna try-- - No, no, no, no, no.
It's not that.
Is it the drinking? Is it the gambling? Is it because of your fat fingers? - No, it's you.
- Me? How can I compete with you? All Manny talks about is how he's got the world's greatest mom.
And I know Javier regrets losing you.
No, he doesn't.
Oh, believe me, he does.
And who could blame him? I mean Look at you! Who has a body like that?! And you just had a baby two months ago? I mean, what-- do you just live at the gym? Who has time for the gym? You know what I had for lunch?! I had a half a granola bar, and I can't button my pants! I can't cook! And at best, I am average in bed! And I will never, ever, ever live up to the great Gloria! Welcome to the family! And did I mention that from the back of the garden, you can almost see a piece of the building that they shot "Die hard" in? I like to sit back there sometimes.
It's a great place to gather my thoughts and just I don't know.
Be in the now.
I meditate every day.
- Yippee-ki-yay! - Yeah.
What are the odds? You know, this is probably not gonna help my negotiating power, but I kinda can't believe how perfect this house is.
And how much is little Otis gonna enjoy this doggie door? How do you know my dog's name? I don't.
Yeah, you do.
You just said "Otis.
" No.
No, no, he said, "oh, dis doggie door would be perfect for your dog" Should you own one.
- That's not even close to what he just said.
- That's what I heard.
Anyway, we can do a very fast escrow and get you in this house by the end of the month.
Oh! Just in time for your birthday! - Ohh.
- This is weird! It's totally weird.
Okay, the Blackhawks, you know my birthday, and you know my dog's name.
- You guys are freaking me out.
- Okay, wait a second.
We poured our hearts into this house, and we just wanted to show you what it would be like if you were living here.
Did we go a tiny bit overboard? Oh, my God.
Mm! Favorite song.
- Way to go.
- Ha.
You take care.
Can you even see the "Die hard" building from here? - No.
- Mnh-mnh.
I'll be at Coachella, too! I'll come find you! - Honey! Haley! - Haley! Well, that's it.
We're officially screwed.
Darn it.
It's okay, honey.
No, it's not okay.
I feel responsible.
I dragged us all into this.
The whole point was so that I could make a little extra money and contribute to the family, and instead, I'm gonna end up costing us.
I'm a failure.
Hey.
Hey.
No one could've predicted this.
My bad.
We'll find another buyer.
- This time, we'll learn from our mistakes.
- Got it.
I got it.
He's back! No.
No, no, no! Stop! Stop.
Stop.
This is a great house.
It was built with integrity.
We should sell it that way, okay? No more tricks.
- Yeah.
- Let's just be honest.
No tricks.
- Hey, Dunphy.
- Gil.
Your office said you'd be over here.
Yeah, I am here.
With my buyers.
What do you guys think? Oh, my God! This house is perfect.
I especially love the warm embrace of the parlor! - It screams you.
- No, it screams you, sweetie.
- Oh, dis doggie door, Cam.
Look.
- Ooh! Damn it.
Gays.
They come to play.
I'm busy, Gil.
Don't accept any offers without talking to me first.
My buyer wants in, all right? I don't know.
We're pretty far down that road.
All right.
We'll up the offer.
Gil Let me tell you how this is gonna go down.
First, you're gonna buy me a lovely dinner.
No, that's not it.
First, I'm gonna buy you a lovely dinner.
Then I'm gonna take you in the back It's gonna happen! It's gonna happen! We're gonna sell the house.
You see, Mitchell? I told you so.
Yeah! That's my wife.
I better take it.
Hey, hey.
Whoa, listen.
Whatever you do, don't tell her you're playing golf on a weekday.
You'll be doing dishes all night.
Good call.
Thank you, my man.
Hey, honey.
What's up? Oh, not much.
Just, uh, in a meeting.
You know, working hard, bringing home the bacon.
No, he's not! He's playing golf! No.
Um fore! Nice putt! Why you lying to your wife, Dunphy? Huh? Hey, he had a beer at lunch, too! What is wrong with you? You just got thorpedoed! Come back here.