Seinfeld s04e20 Episode Script

A friend's getting married.
The bachelor party and bridal shower are the same day, so it's conceivable that while she's getting lingerie he'll be at a nude bar watching a dancer in the same outfit.
That is possible.
But the difference between single and married is the form of government.
You see, when you're single you're the dictator of your own life.
I have complete power.
When I give the order to fall asleep on the sofa with the TV on no one can overrule me.
When you're married you are part of a vast decision-making body.
Before anything's done, there are meetings.
Committees have to study the situation.
And this is if the marriage works.
That's what so painful about divorce: You've been impeached.
You weren't even the president.
Hey, is it my imagination, or do really good-looking women walk a lot faster than everybody else? We don't walk that fast.
- No, seriously.
- Seriously, we don't.
The better-looking they are, the faster they go.
I see them on the street zooming around.
They're a blur.
It's like they got a motor on their ass.
Hey, Jerry, come on, let's go.
We're gonna miss the previews.
What's the big hurry? How we getting to Scott Drake's party on Saturday night? Oh, Drake's party.
I forgot to buy a present.
What, I gotta buy a present now? Of course you do.
It's an engagement party.
It never ends, this present stuff.
Engagement present.
Then they get married.
You gotta get them something.
Then a baby.
Another present.
Then the baby starts getting their presents.
I don't even like Drake.
- Don't like the Drake? - Hate the Drake.
- I love the Drake.
- How could you not like the Drake? - Who's the Drake? - Who's the Drake? The Drake is good.
So, what are you gonna get him? You know, I haven't even met the fiancée.
Oh, whatever! Elaine, look.
I drew this triangle freehand.
It's a doodle.
It's perfect.
So what? That's easy.
Easy? Hi.
Hey, have you gotten a present yet for the Drake? - No, no, not yet.
- You like the Drake? I love the Drake.
I'm looking forward to meeting the "Drakette.
" I'm lukewarm about the Drakette.
Boy, that's a nice triangle.
It's isosceles.
Isosceles.
You know, I love the name "Isosceles.
" If I had a kid, I would name him Isosceles.
Isosceles Kramer.
Hey, you know what, maybe we should all chip in for the gift.
- The chip-in.
- Hey, pretty good idea? - Yeah.
- The chip-in.
Definitely.
Let's go to that mall in Lynbrook before the party.
- We'll take your car.
It's got room.
- No, no.
My car's not running.
What about your father's car? No.
Out of the question.
I was over there today.
He's got the good spot in front of the good building.
I know he's not gonna want to move.
- Are you serious? - You don't know what it means to him.
Once he gets it, he doesn't go out for weeks.
How about this: You put your car in the good spot.
That'll hold the good spot, and we can get the good car.
- Good thinking.
- Good to meet you.
- So, what are we gonna get him? - Anything we want.
We're chipping in.
I like this area.
I could live out here.
Yeah, we ought to all get a house and live together out here.
That's a good idea.
Tell you what, chuckles l'll give you permission to sublet my room right now.
Look at this.
There's no spaces here.
- Excuse me.
You getting out? - No.
Why don't you take the handicapped spot? - You think? - No, no.
We'll find a space.
- There's spaces in the other lot.
- I don't wanna walk that far.
What if a handicapped person needs it? - No, come on, they don't drive.
- Yes, they do.
Have you ever seen a handicapped person pull into a space and park? The space is there, they must drive.
No, they don't.
If they could drive, they wouldn't be handicapped.
So if you can drive, you're not handicapped? We're not gonna be long.
We gotta get to the party.
I got news for you: Handicapped people don't even want to park there.
They want to be treated just like everybody else.
That's why those spaces are always empty.
He's right.
It's the same thing with the feminists.
They want everything to be equal.
Everything.
But when the check comes, where are they? What does that mean? Yeah.
- All right, I'm pulling in.
- Go ahead, George.
- George! - Come on.
It's five minutes.
Don't forget where the car is parked.
- Don't worry.
- We'll remember.
Do you believe the deal we got on this? - A big-screen TV at that price? - What a sale, huh? And how about that store delivering it tonight.
We're gonna be swimming in thank-yous.
Why did I get the veggieburger? You got a veggieburger, so I got one.
It's like eating a loaf of crumbs.
No one's gonna have a better gift than this big-screen TV.
Good for them.
Love the Drake.
Got to love the Drake.
Hey, what's going on over here? There must have been an accident.
What's going on? Some jerk parked in the handicapped spot so this woman in a wheelchair had to wheel up this incline.
Halfway up, her batteries gave out, and she rolled backwards into the wall.
Had to take her to Saint Elizabeth's.
- Is she okay? - I don't know.
We're just waiting for the owner of this car to show up.
He may not get out alive.
Taking up a handicapped spot.
He's gonna pay.
Sons of bitches.
Well, good luck finding them.
Him.
Whatever.
I'd like to get my hands on him myself, but I gotta take off.
We're gonna get you, you coward! - They'll kill us.
- You happy? Are you happy now? - How long you think they'll be here? - Don't know.
What about the party, the Drake? - Oh, screw the Drake! - I love the Drake.
Let's just take a bus back into the city.
I can't leave the car here.
- Why not? - It's my father's car.
- Let's smash it! - Yeah! Hey, hey! Leave the car alone! All right, let's get out of here.
We gotta figure something out.
What are we gonna do? How will we get out? Even if we go to the car and they're not there how do we know they're not hiding? They have to give up some time.
They can't stay out there all night.
What are we, John Dillinger? How did this get to be the crime of the century? It's not like we stuck a broomstick in her spokes and she went flying.
What I don't get is, just because the batteries went dead you'd think she'd be able to roll it up the hill with her hands.
You'd think.
Batteries have gone dead before.
Aren't they prepared? You know, most of them don't even have batteries.
Must have been a rich, spoiled handicapped person who didn't want to do any work.
Just wanted to sit in her wheelchair and take it easy.
- Yeah.
- Well, I'm sorry.
Our big-screen TV is probably arriving just about now.
How we getting out? We need a plan.
I got it.
We'll give the keys to Elaine.
- Me? - Yeah.
You're a woman.
Men won't hit a woman.
Oh, they won't? Not if they don't know you.
I'm not going for this.
Kramer should go.
You know, it was all his idea.
No chance in hell.
What if we created some sort of diversion? What if we went over and started screaming: "There's the guy that took the handicapped spot.
" When they run the other direction, we'll jump in the car.
- That's good.
- Let's give it a try.
If that doesn't work, we'll give them Kramer.
Oh, my God.
You know, a lot of these scratches will buff right out.
Eight years I had that car, not a scratch on it.
Eight years.
- Two crack.
- Three dot.
Beautiful Mercury.
I special ordered that bench seat.
Dad, this other car cut us off.
They had swastikas all over it.
They were hurling racial epithets at us.
- I could have been killed.
- I told you not to give it to him.
- Three crack.
- Four bam.
You know, my insurance doesn't even cover this.
The whole thing is a total loss.
The important thing is he didn't get hurt.
No, it isn't.
So, what are you doing now, Georgie? - North.
- I'm writing a pilot for NBC.
- Where the hell's my paper? - You're writing a pilot? With his friend Jerry Seinfeld, the comedian.
So, what's it about? Well, Jerry's car gets hit and the other driver doesn't have any insurance so the judge sentences him to be Jerry's butler.
- It's the same situation.
- Exactly.
Frank, maybe you ought to make him your butler.
Flower.
Every time you're with that Kramer something happens.
- He's a real troublemaker.
- He didn't have anything to do with it.
He's all together crazy, that one.
And Jerry I used to think was nice.
I don't know what happened to him.
Nine bam.
- One dot.
- Two crack.
- Three bam.
- Mahjongg.
So it was a good party, huh? You're welcome.
You're welcome.
They loved the TV.
Loved it.
Yeah.
Wait.
I'll ask her.
That's a great idea.
Drake wants to know if we'll come out to Mineola since we missed the party.
- Get something to eat.
- Sure.
Sure.
Okay.
Don't worry, I'm taking my car.
Okay.
All right, we'll see you later.
Bye.
The Drake is great.
He's so nice.
Man, I'm really happy for them.
Yeah.
Well, I don't know if I'm happy for them.
I'm glad they're happy, but frankly it doesn't do anything for me.
- Yes? - It's me.
Come on up.
Hey.
I just came from Saint Elizabeth's.
Saint Elizabeth's Hospital? Why? Well, the handicapped woman, I went to see her.
- You went to see her? - Yeah.
Wow, what happened? I'm in love.
- What? - Yeah.
She is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen.
I love her, Jerry.
I mean, I really love her.
I'm gonna ask her to marry me.
She's got everything I've always wanted in another human being.
Except for the walking.
What's the difference.
You don't go out that much.
- I'm glad you're here.
- Why? We gotta go out, we gotta buy a wheelchair.
A wheelchair? What for? I went to the hospital today.
I saw the woman.
The wheelchair is totaled.
We gotta get her another one.
Doesn't she have collision? George, I'm in love with her.
Look, my father works for the United Volunteers.
- Maybe he can get her one.
- No.
She needs it now.
What about these two? Aren't they gonna chip in? Hey, we told you not to park there.
Can't we just fix the old one? All right, all right.
Fine, George, don't chip in.
But some day we'll be driving along we're gonna look out the window, see her crawling along Fifth Avenue.
- Is that what you want? - All right! All right! We'll buy a wheelchair.
Wheelchairs.
Engagement presents.
It never ends! This is our best model, the Cougar 9000.
It's the Rolls-Royce of wheelchairs.
This is like you're almost glad to be handicapped.
So, now, what's this got? It's got inductive joystick, dynamic braking, flip-up arms.
It's fully loaded.
I put Stephen Hawking in one of these two months ago, he's loving it.
It's rated number one by Hospital Supply and Prosthetic Magazine.
- How much? - Sixty-two hundred.
Do you have something a little more less expensive? - Hi! How you doing? - Hey, Drake.
- Hi, Drake! - Hi, Allison.
There's the TV.
Elaine, look at this.
Oh, my God, this is fantastic.
So tell me, were you guys just blown away or what? Oh, yeah.
Yeah, it's fantastic.
I am gonna make good use of this.
I'm watching every Super Bowl here.
Every big fight.
Oh, man, there is nothing like a really big TV, huh? So, where are we eating? - Well, actually, Jerry - I'm really hungry.
We just broke up.
- When did this happen? - About 20 minutes ago.
Hey, I am really sorry about this, guys.
- Hell of a picture on this thing.
- Crystal clear.
They know how to make them.
Drake? Are there any good Italian restaurants around here? Gagliano's.
That's pretty good.
- Well, we should - Get moving.
Yeah.
Hey, Drake, whatever happens, I'm sure it'll be for the best.
Yeah.
Take it easy.
Bye-bye, Allison.
The remote.
Okay, I'm just gonna put it on top of the television Oh, God! This one's about 8 years old.
Not a scratch on it.
It was owned by some lady who only used it to go to the kitchen to feed her cats.
- But this will get you around? - Oh, sure.
It just doesn't have any of the frills of the Cougar.
- Like what? - For example, your tremor-damping.
- Now, what's that? - It helps to control the direction regardless of the operator's tremors or "spasticity.
" - Well, is it all right if I try it? - Hop in.
Oh, yeah.
I tell you when I see someone enjoying themselves like that it reminds me of why I got into this business in the first place.
How much? How about $240? - We'll take it.
- We'll take it.
- Drake gave her the TV? - Gave her all the gifts.
He felt guilty.
Well, she can't keep it.
It's not fair.
That's our TV.
I know it is! Boy, I'm really starting to dislike the Drake.
Hate the Drake! Maybe the whole thing was a scam.
Anybody can just get engaged, get presents, and keep them.
Maybe they're on the way to Chicago to do the whole thing all over again.
They don't know anybody in Chicago.
Don't worry, they'll make friends fast with that nice TV.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Guess what? The Drake broke up.
The Drake broke up! That's fantastic! We'll get the TV back.
Help defray some of the cost of the wheelchair.
- I don't know about defraying.
- Why? We're not getting that TV.
What? The engagement's off.
We get the TV back.
That's business.
The Drakette took it.
She can't take it.
It's not hers.
It's theirs.
Once there's no theirs, there's no hers.
It should be ours.
Well, she has it.
I told you the Drake was bad.
I hate the Drake! Maybe we should call her.
- Oh, come on.
Who's gonna call? - You are.
What? Why is it me who always has to do these things? Because that's your thing.
Calling people I hardly know and demanding they return expensive gifts? That's my thing? Yeah, that's your thing.
All right.
Give me the phone.
That's my thing.
You know, I'm thinking about getting a yo-yo.
- Really? - Yeah.
I could see that.
- Hello? - Allison.
Hi, this is Elaine.
I gave all the gifts to charity.
Oh, okay.
Well, thanks a lot.
Sorry again about you and the Drake.
- I hate the Drake.
- Everybody does.
Bye-bye.
- She gave it to charity.
- Charity? That's appalling.
How could anybody be so selfish and inconsiderate.
Hey.
Well, I gave her the wheelchair.
You should have seen the look on her face.
Then she told me the old wheelchair wasn't any good anyway.
So you see, George, the whole incident was a God blessing.
Yeah.
- You mean a blessing in disguise? - Yeah.
I would also like to take this time to personally thank our gracious host, Frank Costanza who earned the Silver Circle Award and is our unanimous choice for the United Volunteer representative of the month.
Due to his tireless effort, he has personally raised over $22,000.
And that's a lot of wheelchairs.
On behalf of the United Volunteers of New York, we thank you.
Thank you very much.
Mr.
Costanza? - Yes? - You're under arrest.
Under arrest? What for? Reckless endangerment of public safety in violation of traffic code 342-A.
- What's that? - Parking in a handicap spot.
Let's go.
George! George! Your father got arrested.
For what? Parking in a handicapped spot.
Right in the middle of his United Volunteer's meeting.
When he got back, he chased after me with a baseball bat.
Holy Between the car being totaled, the towing charge and the fine there's no way I could ever pay him back.
So, what are you gonna do? I agreed to become his butler.
What? - What's the matter? - It's over.
- What's over? - Me and Lola.
- Who we bought the wheelchair for? - She dumped me.
- She dumped you? - She dumped me.
She rolled right over me.
Said I was a hipster doofus.
Am I a hipster doofus? - No.
- No.
Said I'm not good-looking enough.
Not good-looking.
Jerry, look at me.
Look at my face.
Am I beautiful? George, am I beautiful? - You're very attractive.
- Yeah.
She says she doesn't want to see me again.
Told me to drop dead! - Drop dead.
- Boy, even I never heard that one.
She's pretty rough.
Well, we just blew $240 on a wheelchair.
- $240 bucks? - Well, it was slightly used.
Used? I don't think you did such a good job on these.
- What? - Supposed to see your face there.
Do you see your face in there? Yeah.
Oh, really? How about that.
Went right down a hill? Okay.
All right.
Bye.
George, forget about the shoes.
I want you to do something for me.
This handicapped woman had an accident.
Somebody gave her a used wheelchair with defective brakes.
Sons of bitches! Pick up this big-screen TV and deliver it to her.
- Big-screen TV.
- You think you can handle it? - Yes? - Hi, we're from the United Volunteers.
We've come to pick up the TV.
Great, it's right over there.
It's a big one.
- Who's got the receipt? - I do.
- Will they give us cash? - That's their policy.
I hate this mall.
There are never any spaces here.
Why don't you park in front of the hydrant? - What if there's a fire? - Now what are the chances of that? The handicapped parking spot is the mirage of the parking desert.
Do you know that feeling? You see it there in the distance.
You can't believe your eyes.
It's too good to be true.
It's a big wide spot by the entrance.
Somehow everybody missed it.
What is the handicapped parking situation at the Special Olympics? They must have to just stack, like, a hundred cars into those two spots.
How else are they gonna do it?