The King of Queens s04e20 Episode Script
Lush Life
Doug? Honey? I'm out here! What are you doin' out on the porch? Just takin' in the evening.
What is this, mayberry? Come on out.
Join me.
It's a beautiful night.
Look--look, you can see the big bopper.
It is kinda nice.
Ain't it? Yeah.
Oh, look, Mrs.
Chang's lettin' her cat in.
Oh, yeah, she loves that little tabby, huh? Hey, check it out.
The garrisons got some new trash cans.
Oh, yeah.
Wheels on 'em.
Hey, couple young fellas down there, shootin' the breeze.
Yeah.
Oh, look.
One of them just took out a wad of cash.
Now the other one's taking it and giving him a little baggie.
Oh, my God, they just looked at us! My eyes are gettin' weary my back is gettin' tight I'm sittin' here in traffic on the queensboro bridge tonight but I don't care, 'cause all I want to do is cash my check and drive right home to you 'cause, baby, all my life I will be drivin' home to you Hey, babe.
Hey.
Where's, uh Where's breakfast? Comin' right up.
Slimtime morning meal 1-a.
Kill me now.
Doug, you agreed to start your diet today.
The doctor said your cholesterol was through the roof.
But maybe he meant that in a good way, like, you know, "through the roof, whoop-whoop! Whoop-whoop!" Listen, I paid for 8 weeks of these meals, so this diet is happening.
So no more wing night at coopers, no more poker with the guys-- no more poker? Why not? Because you always pig out! I do not! Doug, you once told me you only played poker because it adds excitement to your eating.
Excuse me for embracing life.
Come on, honey, trust me.
Once you start losing weight, you will feel much better.
Now, come on, you have a great little meal here.
Mmm, smells good.
And the guy at the diet center said-- I'm done.
You are not done, you still got your little meat thingie there.
Oh, yeah, that little stamp of ham.
Ok.
Can I at least have some mustard? Yeah, go crazy.
Dad, what are you doin'? This is a perfectly good container.
Why are you throwing it out? Because when I buy margarine again, I'm pretty sure they're gonna give me another container to take it home in.
All I know is this would make a lovely holder for my collection of civil war bullets.
And all I know is, downstairs you have a million empty boxes, jell-o cups, vaporub jars, and nothing in any of 'em! You looked through my private things? Shame on you! Doug, what are you doin'? Answer me.
I can't find the mustard.
Doug! What? Oh, God, it's like I'm living with toddlers here.
Ok, listen to me.
I am coming home late tonight.
In the meantime, you stay out of the garbage, and you stay out of the big, cold box, do you understand what mommy is saying? Yes, ma'am.
Ok, good.
I'll see you tonight.
You know, when I gave her to you, she was sweet as pie.
Gets smaller when you cook it.
Huh.
Oh, God.
Hello, Douglas.
Hey, Arthur, uh What you, uh What you got there? Pizza pie.
Good for you.
Mmm.
Ohh! All right.
You're gonna have to stop doin' that.
I can't help it.
This is delicious pizza.
Ok, if I hear one more "mmm" or "ahh," I'm comin' at you hard.
You hear? Gotcha.
Ooh! That's it! Get up, short stuff! Hit the stairs! Fine.
I shouldn't have to eat in fear! God, please be a prowler.
You are so busted, mister! I didn't mean to cheat! Arthur left me here alone with this pizza, and I--I--I blacked out, and when I came to, I was eating her.
Weird.
Well, it's mine now.
I will eat this, and you eat whatever that is there, because you are sticking to your diet, my buddy friend.
Fine.
Oh, have your stupid pizza.
Really? Yeah.
You're not just baiting me like the time you told me I could get the porn channel, then said I disgust you? No.
Go ahead.
I know you love it.
Ok, then.
Pizza, pizza, pizza.
So where you been tonight? Oh, um, there's a new secretary on our floor, and after work, we went out for a drink.
A drink.
Did you, now? Mm-hmm.
Oh, we ordered one of those apple Martinis.
They are so good! Little cocktail, God bless.
Mm-hmm.
Ooh.
You gonna have some garlic bread? As a matter of fact, I am.
Ok, open for $2.
I'll see you and raise $5.
Raise $5, huh, Lou? Methinks the next-door neighbor to scare everyone out with a big, bad bluff.
So, you in, or you out? Oh, I'm out.
It's to you, Danny.
Well, he's not scarin' me.
I call.
What do you got, big guy? A pair of 10s.
Straight to the ace! Oh! Oh, yeah! Sorry, ferrigno, don't get mad.
Oh, I think he's turning a little green.
Hey, if that shirt starts rippin', I'm outta here! I was told there'd be no hulk jokes.
New guy.
All right, we got cheese in a can, cheese in a jar, and for those of you eating lighter, pork rinds.
Wait, I thought Carrie was making you go on a diet.
Yeah, what's up? She seen you in your underwear and just give up? Nope.
Things have changed around here.
I eat what I want, I play poker when I want, and I scratch where I want.
All because Carrie discovered the apple Martini.
Huh? Yeah.
Every night now, she goes out for a drink with this other secretary, and I get "after-6:00-happy-Carrie.
" Oh, get outta here, man.
No, I'm serious.
She's sweet.
She's funny.
She's frisky! It's all the beautiful qualities I married her for without the unpleasant aftertaste.
But, Doug, isn't it better to love the person for who they really are, not when they're made artificially nicer by alcohol.
You're adorable.
Hey, evening, sweet cakes.
What's up, Carrie? Do me a favor.
Take a look at Lou's cards and blink twice if he, uh, can beat a pair of Jacks.
What are you doin'? What? You--you said we could play.
Yeah, in the garage.
Well, it's, it's kinda cold out there, and there's a car.
So you just decided to come in here and put a huge scratch in the hardwood floor? Oh.
Yeah, we were moving the couch, and Spence buckled.
And who spilled the beer? Again, that would be Spence.
Well, haven't we been busy? That's great.
That's great, buddy.
That's why I don't like you guys playing in here.
And while we're at it, let's say bye-bye to the stogies.
Yeah! I gotta tell ya, I'm not seein' the difference.
Sorry about the mess out there.
But the good news is, I'm up $11, and that's going straight towards your mink stole.
Uh, so, you're, uh, home earlier than usual.
You didn't stop off for a drink with your friend tonight? Nope.
I'm pretty sure we're never gonna be hanging out ever again.
W-why not? She told my boss I was stealing because she wants my job.
That's nothin'.
I--I gotta tell ya, car', I think you're way overreacting here.
The girl is a backstabbing skank, and I am never hanging out with her again.
Why do you care so much, anyway? I--I mean, I care about you.
I just care about keeping you happy.
Oh, yeah? Well, how 'bout we stop chain-swallowing yodels? That'll be a start, ok? Will do.
Oh, and just, uh, for my own schedule, you're not gonna be making any more pit stops after work, right? You're--you're coming straight home? Yep.
I'm home.
Hey, who's thirsty? Oh, it's great, Spence.
I started this apple Martini hour.
She couldn't love it more.
Every night she comes home from work, we have cocktails, and all of a sudden, I'm maj.
Nelson and she's my Jeannie.
No, no, no.
You can't be maj.
Healey.
I gotta go.
Hey, baby.
Ooh! It's the I.
P.
S.
Man.
At your service.
You got a package for me? I might.
And did I happen to mention we guarantee on-time delivery? Well, I will be the judge of that.
Hey! I was thinking.
We should get one of those big flat-screen t.
V.
S for the bedroom.
I think I just delivered my package early.
Oh, sorry to interrupt your all-too-public lovemaking session, but I must take out the trash.
Thanks, Arthur.
You'll be happy to know, I'm throwing away an egg carton which would be a wonderful organizer for my pills.
But I guess I'll just leave them lying Willy-nilly on the dryer.
You know what, dad? Keep your carton.
Really? Yeah.
You're a little pack rat, and I love ya.
Well, file this under "c" for curve ball.
Evening, Louis.
Hi, Arthur.
By the way, I believe we have a mutual friend in Joe weider.
You a vodka man, Arthur? Oh, no, not me.
For some reason, Douglas has started making cocktails every night when Carrie gets home.
Really? I never thought he'd go this far.
What are you talking about? He told me he likes her better drunk.
Are you telling me he's been pouring vodka down my little girl's throat just to make her what he wants? Is that why she's suddenly become this sweet little powder puff without an ounce of gumption or will of her own? Hey, there.
Hi! Cocktails are served! Well, the truth is, Hemingway wanted to be faulkner, and faulkner wanted to be Hemingway.
My opinion? Neither could hold a candle to Fitzgerald.
But then again, he had to live with Zelda.
I don't know what he's talking about, but he's got a piece of cheese in his mustache that's cracking me up! This is fun, isn't it? Just plain fun! Yes, it reminds me of the time when drinking was smart and sophisticated, not the ugly thing that it's become.
Well, thanks for putting out this whole platter.
You know what I haven't told you in a while? You're a great dad.
Well, darling, I don't know what to say, except Let me give you a refill.
Wait, whoa! Whoa! Take it easy now.
Take it easy now.
Hey, Arthur, instead, why don't you tell us another little story-- oh! Blah, blah, blah, blah! Come on! I'm bored! Let's go do something.
I--you know, it's just that I gotta be up for work early.
I wanna be sharp tomorrow.
Yeah, sign here for this package, ma'am.
Gotta be sharp for that.
Come on, and let's do something fun! Like what? Watch out, coming to your left.
Nice job refilling her drink.
Good choice.
Hey! Excuse me.
Whoop! I'm gonna get her, ok? Uh, car', come on! Time to go, car'.
All right? Oh, ok.
Ok.
But, honey, you have to catch me first, though.
Carrie! Carrie! Carrie! Carrie, could you stop please? Carrie, this is not funny! Ok, come on? Ok? Hey, guys.
Hey, Lou.
Hey, snowball.
So, uh, what's going on? Nothing much.
Just getting back from skating.
Little lady's pretty tuckered out.
Good night.
That's it.
That's it.
I-I'm pulling the plug on cocktail hour.
What? Why? Because wh-what we're doing here, I-it's just not right.
This isn't a moral issue.
It's a dosage issue.
This is how we learn.
It's over, Arthur.
But these last few days have been some of the best of my life.
I won't go back to the way it was.
I'll die first.
You don't think I've been loving it, too? You think I wanna go back to eating sensibly? Douglas, we're in too deep to turn back, and you know it.
I don't know, Arthur.
I--I just don't know.
Come on.
Let's not lose our heads.
We'll go back to one drink a night.
It'll be fine.
Stay the course, man.
Stay the course! Remind me to get more vodka.
Hey, Lou.
Oh, hey.
How's it going? Oh, all right.
I've had a headache all day.
Little too much to drink last night.
Carrie? We need to talk.
Hey! Hey! Just in time! Oh, look at you 2! You are such sweeties.
Oh, thank you.
Mmm.
This is good.
You know what? Suddenly I feel less bitchy and easier to live with.
Oh, God.
I know what you've been doing with these Martinis! What? Has he been getting us drunk to change our personalities? How dare you? I just do not believe you.
Would you let me explain? What's there to explain? Just say, "I prefer my wife drunk.
" No, no, not drunk.
More like, sober plus.
I didn't mean for it to happen like this.
You know that.
It's just that you went out with your friend, and you had a drink, and I couldn't help but notice how it brought out all your wonderful, natural qualities.
And--and p.
S.
, God's honest truth? You were a delight.
I should've suspected something.
I mean, you don't even like Martinis.
I'm so stupid.
Actually, I've been drinking gatorade.
What? Damn it! Look, let me ask you this, Doug.
Am I that hard to be around without a drink in me? I mean, am I that unpleasant? No.
You are so full of crap.
Come on, Carrie.
I'm sorry.
You know I love you.
I love you however you are: Drunk, sober, mean, nice.
Oh, that's sweet, honey.
And I love you however you are: Fat, really fat, lose 5 pounds, but still fat.
You know what? Y-your hurtful comment just made a point for me.
What are you talking about? You don't really like who I am, either.
Y-you're trying to change me with this whole diet thing.
How do you think that makes me feel? Doug, I am not trying to keep you drunk.
I am trying to help you live to see 40.
It still hurts.
Look, I--I--I don't wanna fight with you, ok? I mean How about this? How 'bout we both stop trying to change each other, 'cause I think we learned that that doesn't work.
Huh? Come on, now.
What do you say? Or how about this: I do nothing, and you change everything about you I don't like.
Okey-doke.
All right.
What? Hey, we're here to watch the game.
Yeah.
No.
I'm still not seein' it.
What is this, mayberry? Come on out.
Join me.
It's a beautiful night.
Look--look, you can see the big bopper.
It is kinda nice.
Ain't it? Yeah.
Oh, look, Mrs.
Chang's lettin' her cat in.
Oh, yeah, she loves that little tabby, huh? Hey, check it out.
The garrisons got some new trash cans.
Oh, yeah.
Wheels on 'em.
Hey, couple young fellas down there, shootin' the breeze.
Yeah.
Oh, look.
One of them just took out a wad of cash.
Now the other one's taking it and giving him a little baggie.
Oh, my God, they just looked at us! My eyes are gettin' weary my back is gettin' tight I'm sittin' here in traffic on the queensboro bridge tonight but I don't care, 'cause all I want to do is cash my check and drive right home to you 'cause, baby, all my life I will be drivin' home to you Hey, babe.
Hey.
Where's, uh Where's breakfast? Comin' right up.
Slimtime morning meal 1-a.
Kill me now.
Doug, you agreed to start your diet today.
The doctor said your cholesterol was through the roof.
But maybe he meant that in a good way, like, you know, "through the roof, whoop-whoop! Whoop-whoop!" Listen, I paid for 8 weeks of these meals, so this diet is happening.
So no more wing night at coopers, no more poker with the guys-- no more poker? Why not? Because you always pig out! I do not! Doug, you once told me you only played poker because it adds excitement to your eating.
Excuse me for embracing life.
Come on, honey, trust me.
Once you start losing weight, you will feel much better.
Now, come on, you have a great little meal here.
Mmm, smells good.
And the guy at the diet center said-- I'm done.
You are not done, you still got your little meat thingie there.
Oh, yeah, that little stamp of ham.
Ok.
Can I at least have some mustard? Yeah, go crazy.
Dad, what are you doin'? This is a perfectly good container.
Why are you throwing it out? Because when I buy margarine again, I'm pretty sure they're gonna give me another container to take it home in.
All I know is this would make a lovely holder for my collection of civil war bullets.
And all I know is, downstairs you have a million empty boxes, jell-o cups, vaporub jars, and nothing in any of 'em! You looked through my private things? Shame on you! Doug, what are you doin'? Answer me.
I can't find the mustard.
Doug! What? Oh, God, it's like I'm living with toddlers here.
Ok, listen to me.
I am coming home late tonight.
In the meantime, you stay out of the garbage, and you stay out of the big, cold box, do you understand what mommy is saying? Yes, ma'am.
Ok, good.
I'll see you tonight.
You know, when I gave her to you, she was sweet as pie.
Gets smaller when you cook it.
Huh.
Oh, God.
Hello, Douglas.
Hey, Arthur, uh What you, uh What you got there? Pizza pie.
Good for you.
Mmm.
Ohh! All right.
You're gonna have to stop doin' that.
I can't help it.
This is delicious pizza.
Ok, if I hear one more "mmm" or "ahh," I'm comin' at you hard.
You hear? Gotcha.
Ooh! That's it! Get up, short stuff! Hit the stairs! Fine.
I shouldn't have to eat in fear! God, please be a prowler.
You are so busted, mister! I didn't mean to cheat! Arthur left me here alone with this pizza, and I--I--I blacked out, and when I came to, I was eating her.
Weird.
Well, it's mine now.
I will eat this, and you eat whatever that is there, because you are sticking to your diet, my buddy friend.
Fine.
Oh, have your stupid pizza.
Really? Yeah.
You're not just baiting me like the time you told me I could get the porn channel, then said I disgust you? No.
Go ahead.
I know you love it.
Ok, then.
Pizza, pizza, pizza.
So where you been tonight? Oh, um, there's a new secretary on our floor, and after work, we went out for a drink.
A drink.
Did you, now? Mm-hmm.
Oh, we ordered one of those apple Martinis.
They are so good! Little cocktail, God bless.
Mm-hmm.
Ooh.
You gonna have some garlic bread? As a matter of fact, I am.
Ok, open for $2.
I'll see you and raise $5.
Raise $5, huh, Lou? Methinks the next-door neighbor to scare everyone out with a big, bad bluff.
So, you in, or you out? Oh, I'm out.
It's to you, Danny.
Well, he's not scarin' me.
I call.
What do you got, big guy? A pair of 10s.
Straight to the ace! Oh! Oh, yeah! Sorry, ferrigno, don't get mad.
Oh, I think he's turning a little green.
Hey, if that shirt starts rippin', I'm outta here! I was told there'd be no hulk jokes.
New guy.
All right, we got cheese in a can, cheese in a jar, and for those of you eating lighter, pork rinds.
Wait, I thought Carrie was making you go on a diet.
Yeah, what's up? She seen you in your underwear and just give up? Nope.
Things have changed around here.
I eat what I want, I play poker when I want, and I scratch where I want.
All because Carrie discovered the apple Martini.
Huh? Yeah.
Every night now, she goes out for a drink with this other secretary, and I get "after-6:00-happy-Carrie.
" Oh, get outta here, man.
No, I'm serious.
She's sweet.
She's funny.
She's frisky! It's all the beautiful qualities I married her for without the unpleasant aftertaste.
But, Doug, isn't it better to love the person for who they really are, not when they're made artificially nicer by alcohol.
You're adorable.
Hey, evening, sweet cakes.
What's up, Carrie? Do me a favor.
Take a look at Lou's cards and blink twice if he, uh, can beat a pair of Jacks.
What are you doin'? What? You--you said we could play.
Yeah, in the garage.
Well, it's, it's kinda cold out there, and there's a car.
So you just decided to come in here and put a huge scratch in the hardwood floor? Oh.
Yeah, we were moving the couch, and Spence buckled.
And who spilled the beer? Again, that would be Spence.
Well, haven't we been busy? That's great.
That's great, buddy.
That's why I don't like you guys playing in here.
And while we're at it, let's say bye-bye to the stogies.
Yeah! I gotta tell ya, I'm not seein' the difference.
Sorry about the mess out there.
But the good news is, I'm up $11, and that's going straight towards your mink stole.
Uh, so, you're, uh, home earlier than usual.
You didn't stop off for a drink with your friend tonight? Nope.
I'm pretty sure we're never gonna be hanging out ever again.
W-why not? She told my boss I was stealing because she wants my job.
That's nothin'.
I--I gotta tell ya, car', I think you're way overreacting here.
The girl is a backstabbing skank, and I am never hanging out with her again.
Why do you care so much, anyway? I--I mean, I care about you.
I just care about keeping you happy.
Oh, yeah? Well, how 'bout we stop chain-swallowing yodels? That'll be a start, ok? Will do.
Oh, and just, uh, for my own schedule, you're not gonna be making any more pit stops after work, right? You're--you're coming straight home? Yep.
I'm home.
Hey, who's thirsty? Oh, it's great, Spence.
I started this apple Martini hour.
She couldn't love it more.
Every night she comes home from work, we have cocktails, and all of a sudden, I'm maj.
Nelson and she's my Jeannie.
No, no, no.
You can't be maj.
Healey.
I gotta go.
Hey, baby.
Ooh! It's the I.
P.
S.
Man.
At your service.
You got a package for me? I might.
And did I happen to mention we guarantee on-time delivery? Well, I will be the judge of that.
Hey! I was thinking.
We should get one of those big flat-screen t.
V.
S for the bedroom.
I think I just delivered my package early.
Oh, sorry to interrupt your all-too-public lovemaking session, but I must take out the trash.
Thanks, Arthur.
You'll be happy to know, I'm throwing away an egg carton which would be a wonderful organizer for my pills.
But I guess I'll just leave them lying Willy-nilly on the dryer.
You know what, dad? Keep your carton.
Really? Yeah.
You're a little pack rat, and I love ya.
Well, file this under "c" for curve ball.
Evening, Louis.
Hi, Arthur.
By the way, I believe we have a mutual friend in Joe weider.
You a vodka man, Arthur? Oh, no, not me.
For some reason, Douglas has started making cocktails every night when Carrie gets home.
Really? I never thought he'd go this far.
What are you talking about? He told me he likes her better drunk.
Are you telling me he's been pouring vodka down my little girl's throat just to make her what he wants? Is that why she's suddenly become this sweet little powder puff without an ounce of gumption or will of her own? Hey, there.
Hi! Cocktails are served! Well, the truth is, Hemingway wanted to be faulkner, and faulkner wanted to be Hemingway.
My opinion? Neither could hold a candle to Fitzgerald.
But then again, he had to live with Zelda.
I don't know what he's talking about, but he's got a piece of cheese in his mustache that's cracking me up! This is fun, isn't it? Just plain fun! Yes, it reminds me of the time when drinking was smart and sophisticated, not the ugly thing that it's become.
Well, thanks for putting out this whole platter.
You know what I haven't told you in a while? You're a great dad.
Well, darling, I don't know what to say, except Let me give you a refill.
Wait, whoa! Whoa! Take it easy now.
Take it easy now.
Hey, Arthur, instead, why don't you tell us another little story-- oh! Blah, blah, blah, blah! Come on! I'm bored! Let's go do something.
I--you know, it's just that I gotta be up for work early.
I wanna be sharp tomorrow.
Yeah, sign here for this package, ma'am.
Gotta be sharp for that.
Come on, and let's do something fun! Like what? Watch out, coming to your left.
Nice job refilling her drink.
Good choice.
Hey! Excuse me.
Whoop! I'm gonna get her, ok? Uh, car', come on! Time to go, car'.
All right? Oh, ok.
Ok.
But, honey, you have to catch me first, though.
Carrie! Carrie! Carrie! Carrie, could you stop please? Carrie, this is not funny! Ok, come on? Ok? Hey, guys.
Hey, Lou.
Hey, snowball.
So, uh, what's going on? Nothing much.
Just getting back from skating.
Little lady's pretty tuckered out.
Good night.
That's it.
That's it.
I-I'm pulling the plug on cocktail hour.
What? Why? Because wh-what we're doing here, I-it's just not right.
This isn't a moral issue.
It's a dosage issue.
This is how we learn.
It's over, Arthur.
But these last few days have been some of the best of my life.
I won't go back to the way it was.
I'll die first.
You don't think I've been loving it, too? You think I wanna go back to eating sensibly? Douglas, we're in too deep to turn back, and you know it.
I don't know, Arthur.
I--I just don't know.
Come on.
Let's not lose our heads.
We'll go back to one drink a night.
It'll be fine.
Stay the course, man.
Stay the course! Remind me to get more vodka.
Hey, Lou.
Oh, hey.
How's it going? Oh, all right.
I've had a headache all day.
Little too much to drink last night.
Carrie? We need to talk.
Hey! Hey! Just in time! Oh, look at you 2! You are such sweeties.
Oh, thank you.
Mmm.
This is good.
You know what? Suddenly I feel less bitchy and easier to live with.
Oh, God.
I know what you've been doing with these Martinis! What? Has he been getting us drunk to change our personalities? How dare you? I just do not believe you.
Would you let me explain? What's there to explain? Just say, "I prefer my wife drunk.
" No, no, not drunk.
More like, sober plus.
I didn't mean for it to happen like this.
You know that.
It's just that you went out with your friend, and you had a drink, and I couldn't help but notice how it brought out all your wonderful, natural qualities.
And--and p.
S.
, God's honest truth? You were a delight.
I should've suspected something.
I mean, you don't even like Martinis.
I'm so stupid.
Actually, I've been drinking gatorade.
What? Damn it! Look, let me ask you this, Doug.
Am I that hard to be around without a drink in me? I mean, am I that unpleasant? No.
You are so full of crap.
Come on, Carrie.
I'm sorry.
You know I love you.
I love you however you are: Drunk, sober, mean, nice.
Oh, that's sweet, honey.
And I love you however you are: Fat, really fat, lose 5 pounds, but still fat.
You know what? Y-your hurtful comment just made a point for me.
What are you talking about? You don't really like who I am, either.
Y-you're trying to change me with this whole diet thing.
How do you think that makes me feel? Doug, I am not trying to keep you drunk.
I am trying to help you live to see 40.
It still hurts.
Look, I--I--I don't wanna fight with you, ok? I mean How about this? How 'bout we both stop trying to change each other, 'cause I think we learned that that doesn't work.
Huh? Come on, now.
What do you say? Or how about this: I do nothing, and you change everything about you I don't like.
Okey-doke.
All right.
What? Hey, we're here to watch the game.
Yeah.
No.
I'm still not seein' it.