Home Improvement s04e21 Episode Script

The guys are in range.
Gets it back to Fedorov.
Can Fedorov get a break? He shoots He scores! Hey! No hockey in the house.
Oh, guys.
Do you remember this morning when you said to me: "We love you and we'll have the house cleaned up by the time you get home"? No.
Will you get your jackets and your backpacks off the table? Which one of you pigs left this mess? The pig with the tool belt.
Well, tell your dad to clear all that off and set the table.
Dinner is in those bags right there.
Oh, what'd you get? Chicken.
Don't touch it until dinnertime tonight.
Gosh, I live with a bunch of animals - disgusting, filthy little animals.
Hey, Dad, be real careful.
Mom just got home and she's in a bad mood.
Great.
She walks in the door and you tick her off? Can't you help her out, huh? Hey, she's not mad at us.
She's mad at you for leaving the mess on the counter.
What am I? A janitor? (Jill) Tim! Uh I'm cleaning up right now, honey! (Jill) Tim, I'm way behind.
I've got to study tonight.
Hey, don't you worry about a thing, honey.
I'll keep the boys out of your hair.
(Jill) Oh, I brought dinner.
Will you set it out for me? I sure will.
Where'd you set it out? (Jill) It's on the counter by the trash compactor.
Not anymore.
I've never studied for anything so hard in my life.
But it will be worth it.
If I do well, I should get into any graduate school around here, maybe even U of M.
Great.
Jill, why do you leave your wedding ring here by the sink? I took it off when I was washing the pots and pans.
This is not a good place to leave it.
It could go down the drain.
I'd never find it.
Always leave it over here where it's safe, OK? (clattering) Oh, no.
(Jill) What did you do? Nothing.
What was that noise? I don't know, but it had a familiar ring to it, didn't it? Did you drop my ring down the drain? No, I did not.
I dropped it down the furnace vent.
Oh, no.
I want my wedding ring back.
OK, relax.
I'll get some tools.
I'll get it out of there.
It'll give me a chance to find those earrings I dropped down there that I just realized I didn't tell you about.
Tim, what is going on with you? First you flatten the dinner, you forget to empty the dishwasher, you didn't separate the laundry like I asked you to.
I was driving Mark to his computer class.
No, no, no.
There's something else.
I've been sensing some hostility from you.
No more than usual.
I thought that we had an open relationship, that we could talk about anything.
Talk to me.
I don't want to.
Something is bothering you and you're just avoiding it.
We shouldn't have any unresolved issues.
If you must know, since you've been doing this test here, I've been doing a lot of extra work, and I'm beginning to feel taken for granted.
Taken for granted? I know you're not doing it on purpose, but you've been pretty insensitive.
Pretty insensitive? You know, a little thank you would go a long way.
A little thank you? You know, it really scares me when you repeat everything I say.
I cannot believe that you have the gall to say that I am taking you for granted.
Here it goes.
For the last 15 years I've been doing all the thankless jobs - laundry, cooking, cleaning, and in my spare time I've managed to have three children.
You never once thanked me.
The one time that I come to you asking you to carry your weight around here, all I get from you is resentment.
The truth is you were happier when I was stuck in the kitchen barefoot and pregnant.
I should just squat down here right now and shoot out another kid.
Just don't do it near the furnace vent.
Our objective is to put our two pieces of wood together so it has a secure and perfect union.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Right.
That's right.
In this case Like there's such a thing as a perfect union.
Come on.
What century are you living in? What happens I want to get something off my chest.
Tim.
Leave me alone! Hey, guys, I'm cheesed.
Has this ever happened to you? You're minding your own business, picking your meal out of the trash compactor, when out of the henhouse, the big old hen starts clucking: (high-pitched voice) "We got some unresolved issues.
" Don't ever fall for this "they want to talk," they want you to say something to get yourself in trouble.
I hear you, Tool Man.
You know what I'm talking about? We're constantly in trouble.
No matter what we say, we're in trouble.
Two bachelors in trouble.
Hm.
Should we get 'em down here and see if we can help them? Bring them on down.
Come on, guys.
Who do we have here? Jim.
Hi, Jim.
Dave.
Sit down.
Welcome to Tool Time.
All right, what we're gonna have is like a Tool Time seminar on how to talk to your ladies.
All right.
Which one of your girlfriends talks the most? That's mine.
No way.
Mine, without a doubt.
Phyllis is always talking up a storm.
Hurricane Lorraine? Need I say more? Phyllis throws shoes.
I've seen worse Guys, could we? OK.
My wife is studying to be a psychologist.
They do something called role-playing, to learn about the other person's position.
We need somebody to play the role of Lorraine.
Al, you have a very strong feminine side.
Would you be Lorraine for this experiment? Only if Lorraine gets to finish the cabinet doors.
OK, Dave, you're it.
What if Lorraine is watching this? Are you kidding me? She wouldn't watch Tool Time.
She hates Tim.
Oh, yeah.
Obviously a woman with taste.
Can we begin? OK.
Dave, you're gonna be Lorraine.
I want you to tell everybody what Lorraine says to Jim to get him in trouble.
All right, all right, I know this one.
Jim, you said you were gonna be home last night, but I came by your house and you weren't there.
Where were you? Where was I? (horn) Tool Time tip.
Women always know men are lying when they repeat the question.
Oh.
All right.
Come on, sweetheart.
Turn up the heat.
Why didn't you call? I was busy.
Too busy to call? You know, I was thinking of you.
What were you thinking? I was thinking of calling you.
No, you weren't.
Yes, I was.
No, you weren't! Yes, I was! Are you lying to me? Am I lying to you? (horn honks) Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy.
'Fraid Lorraine's got your biscuits in a vise, buddy.
Now, wait a minute.
I want to know why he didn't call me.
Dave, I think the role-playing's over.
Oh.
Makes my point.
Women, or guys playing women, tend to confuse us.
Tim, what about when Lorraine talks to me about commitment? I love her, but I don't know about marriage.
I'm not ready.
Excuse me, Jim, Lorraine would understand if you explained to her that marriage is the first step of a sacred journey, and something that important cannot be put on the fast track.
Well, let's put that to a vote.
How many think Al gave Jim good advice or put Jim on the fast track to a quick head injury? (all) Head injury.
Oh, come on.
Not all women are trying to trap men.
Trap, snare, snag.
A woman has to be married, otherwise she'd be home nagging herself.
(laughs) If you ladies would like to contact Tim directly, that's 555-TOOL.
Operators are standing by.
I think I see the ring and a lot of that broccoli Brad says he's been eating.
Go upstairs, take a tennis ball and drop it down, see if you can dislodge that thing.
OK.
All right.
Yzerman almost goes into the bench, but he doesn't.
Flips it up to Fedorov.
Uh-oh, Mom's home! Cleanup mode.
Hey, Mom.
How was your day? It was fine until I went into the student lounge and saw a bunch of people watching Tool Time.
You didn't notice the part where Dad called you an old hen, now, did you? Yes, I did.
I guess that would make Dad a dead duck.
Hi, Mom.
Hi, guys.
Hi.
What are you doing? Dad's in the basement waiting for me to drop this tennis ball down the vent.
He thinks it will knock the ring loose.
All right.
I'm ready.
Please, allow me.
(Tim) Come on, let me have it! (clattering) (thud) Ow! I said a tennis ball, not a croquet ball! It wasn't me.
Who was it? The old hen.
Hi, henny.
I mean, honey.
I suppose you Oh.
I suppose you saw the show today.
You are so pathetic.
Why is it that I have to drag everything out of you at home, but you're willing to go blab about your feelings in front of a bunch of strangers on Tool Time? Well, because on Tool Time I can say whatever I want and people don't hit me in the head with croquet balls.
Jill! (clattering) (thud) Ow! Hike.
Come on, guys.
You're supposed to be cleaning the house, aren't you? Sorry, Dad.
I mean, if us out here is bothering you, just say something.
Why do we have to drag it out of you? How can you share things with strangers on Tool Time, but not with your own sons? I feel like sharing my feelings right now with both of you.
I got him, Brad.
(Tim) Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Hey, Dad, go deep.
(harmonica plays) Wilson? (Wilson) Hi-ho, neighbor.
You know, Tim, I woke up this morning and the blues were all around my bed.
Maybe you should have tried vacuuming.
Well, I got hit with a croquet ball.
I got the black-and-blues.
Got out of my bed Got hit in the head Knocked out of my shoes I got those lowdown croquet-ball blues When did you learn how to play the harmonica? This morning.
Can I ask you a question? Bring it on home, Tim.
You know what gives me the blues? Women.
Jill in particular.
She likes to talk everything to death.
And she wants to know what I feel, how I feel, when I feel it.
Nag, nag, nag, nag, nag.
Well, Tim, is it nagging or is Jill searching for intimacy? Nagging.
I had a problem.
Not a big one, I just didn't want to let her know.
She dragged it out of me, and when I told her what it was, she jumps down my throat, totally overreacted.
Well, maybe Jill's got a touch of the blues herself.
Why would she have the blues? Oh, Tim, I don't know.
I just know that Mahalia Jackson, the great singer, said having the blues is like being in a deep pit yelling for help.
So when she's yelling at me, maybe she's just crying out for help? Well, there's only one way to find out, Tim.
Talk to her.
(grunting) No more talk.
I am not talking anymore.
(plays harmonica) I told my baby how I was feeling A big wooden ball fell down from the ceiling Now we're gonna have a discussion 'Cause my baby gave me a concussion (both) We got the lowdown, croquet-ball blues Hey, Al.
Tim.
Al, you're not still angry because we didn't finish that cabinet door, are you? Albert.
It's not good to have any unresolved issues.
As a matter of fact, yes, I was looking forward to that segment.
I told some cabinetmaker friends of mine about it.
They were very disappointed.
I hope they didn't come unhinged.
About 30 seconds, guys.
(Tim) Thanks, Heidi.
Tim? Tim! Why are you guys doing here? We gotta talk.
I'm ready to do the show.
Wait a minute.
Our girlfriends saw the show.
You gotta help us.
We are in big trouble.
How big a trouble? You said your girlfriend didn't watch it, that she hated me.
Her mother taped it.
Yeah, she loves Al.
What do you want me to do? Go out and tell them it's all your fault.
Jim, Dave, you wanna help out? We'll do it together.
Oh, no, no.
No! I'm not going out there with you.
You're dangerous.
Now you know how I feel.
(applause) Thank you.
Oh.
Thank you, Heidi.
Oh, you're too kind.
Welcome to Tool Time.
I am Tim "The Blues Man" Taylor.
And you all know my assistant Al (harmonica plays) "The Reason I Got The Blues" Borland.
Well, on yesterday's show I might have gone a little overboard.
We got a few calls from female viewers.
Who's counting? Me.
(Tim) You'll all remember the two bachelors.
Apparently I got them in a little hot water with their girlfriends.
I intend to fix that right now.
Tim.
Marv, you want to follow me back here? Tim.
Ti Got a minute, Marv? Come on, buddy.
Come on, buddy.
(Jim) What are you doing? Boys, a chance to make it up to your girlfriends.
What are you doing? No, no.
Get the camera away.
You've gotta do this.
To have a good relationship, you gotta talk about it.
Dave, come here.
Want to say something to Phyllis? I guess so.
Hi, Phyllis.
I want to state publicly that I'm sorry for anything that I might have said, or will ever say in the future.
All right.
And most importantly Phyl, listen to this.
I'll never listen to Tim again.
The only Tool Time tip you'll ever need.
You want to say something to Phyllis? Excuse me - Lorraine.
Yeah.
OK.
Lorraine, remember at the restaurant yesterday we talked about getting married, and you looked deep in my eyes and you said: "Pick a date, you pig, or die"? Well, I thought about it.
May 28.
That's the Indy 500 weekend.
June 4.
Congratulations, Lorraine.
But to show I'm serious, I got a ring.
(whistles) That's a beauty.
Can I see that? Sure.
Hey, Marv, if you can focus on this, come on in close.
Look at the size of that thing, huh? You know, I have never seen that drain before.
Hi.
Hi.
I want to show you something.
What? Come here.
I made a scale model of the office I'll build you when you become a psychologist.
Here's your desk, here's your chair, and here's your nut.
Where am I? Seated at the desk.
And why did you do this? I thought it would cheer you up.
I think you might have the blues and maybe we should talk.
So you're saying you want to talk? Why do you think I'm laying down? The other day, when you asked me what I was feeling, I told you, and you jumped down my throat.
You're right.
It wasn't fair.
If I'm going to ask for your feelings, then I should be able to accept them no matter what they are.
And not hit me in the head with a croquet ball.
Sorry about that.
(kiss) I'm not sure you should kiss your patients in that part of the peanut.
But I also should learn to listen to your feelings and understand what you're going through.
You helped me when I changed careers into Tool Time.
And I want to do the same for you, 'cause, with your talent, you might have your own show.
Your own psychology show - can you imagine? "Is everyone cognizant of what time it's become?" "It's Psycho Time.
" Tim! Right here.
Guess what.
I think, I hope, I did great on the test.
Congratulations.
Yeah, if I had to guess, I think I might be in the 90th percentile.
Out of how many? (grunts) I figured out a way to get your ring back.
What? I taped up all the vents in the house, except the one in the kitchen.
I installed a Binford 6100 super compressor on the furnace.
I'm gonna blow that thing right out of here.
So just stand back here for protection.
Countdown to ring-out.
Three, two, one.
Is it my ring? I think I don't believe it! Is it OK? Let's take a look at it.
Perfect.
It's even cleaner now.
Your inscription's all worn off.
"I will never love an otter.
" "Another.
" "I will never love another.
" Huh.
And to think all these years I've been avoiding otters.
Make sure the joint on your door is secure.
And for that, we're using a biscuit joiner to cut the slots in our wood for the biscuits.
Biscuits? Do you think they No.
They're not buttermilk biscuits.
They're not sourdough biscuits.
They're not dog biscuits.
They're not biscuits with honey, not biscuits with gravy, not biscuits in a box or biscuits in a basket! You're a biscuit case, Al.
Come on, you guys.
Dinner's hot.
(Mark) What did you get? Everybody's favorite - Polish food.
Oh All right, I love Polish food.
I went down to Hamtramick Stan's.
You were supposed to get pizza.
Anybody can get pizza.
You didn't.
That's 'cause on the way to get the pizza, I heard the call for kielbasa.
You know, the last time you ate Polish food, you were up half the night.
And in the bathroom the other half.
That's because I made a pig out of myself.
This time, I didn't order so much.
These things look great.
Oh these are great.
Brad, you oughta try the duck blood soup.
It's all right, Dad.
For lunch, I had a chicken gut sandwich.
I hope you're not gonna stuff yourself again.
Once you get started on golabkis, it's hard to put the brakes on.
It's not the brakes I'm worried about, it's your full tank of gas.