King of the Hill s04e21 Episode Script
Nancy's Boys
1 OH, SWEET LORD.
( door creaking ) HELLO? HANK HILL, STRICKLAND PROPANE.
UNANNOUNCED SERVICE CHECK.
WE'VE GOT A STORAGE TANK SITUATION THAT REQUIRES IMMEDIATE ATTENTION.
( muffled knocking and shouting ) SOMEONE HERE? OH UH, MR.
WINSTON, WE'VE GOT A PROBLEM HERE.
WHEN YOU REPLACED YOUR REGULATOR YOU DIDN'T REPLACE THE COPPER PIGTAIL AND NOW YOU'VE OH, THANK GOD.
THANK YOU, HANK.
YOU SAVED MY LIFE.
A LEAKY PIGTAIL'S REALLY MORE OF A WASTE ISSUE THAN A SAFETY ISSUE.
I'VE BEEN TRAPPED IN THAT DANG FREEZER SINCE 2:00 IN THE MORNING.
I DROPPED A JAR OF RAGU AND THE DOOR SLAMMED SHUT WHILE I WAS MOPPING IT UP.
IF IT WEREN'T FOR YOU, I'D BE DEAD.
REALLY? I SAVED A LIFE.
HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT? I LIKE IT A LOT, HANK.
WHY DON'T YOU COME BACK THIS WEEKEND? I'LL GIVE YOU DINNER FOR TWO ON THE HOUSE.
OH, WHAT AM I SAYING? YOU SAVED MY LIFE-- DINNER FOR FOUR.
Hank: AND THEN I OPENED THE FREEZER DOOR AND DAMNED IF I DIDN'T FIND A GUY IN A TUXEDO.
OH, HANK, YOU COULD HAVE BEEN KILLED.
NOW, PROMISE ME YOU WILL NEVER DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT AGAIN.
WELL, HOLD ON.
TO THANK ME FOR SAVING HIS LIFE HE'S GIVING ME FREE DINNER FOR FOUR INCLUDING DRINKS, BUT NOT TIP.
SO, WHO SHOULD WE INVITE? OH, I FIGURED SINCE IT WAS FOR FOUR PEOPLE I'D TAKE DALE, BILL AND BOOMHAUER.
YOU CAN'T GO WITH THE GUYS.
THAT'S AMORE IS THE MOST ROMANTIC RESTAURAN IN ALL OF HEIMLICH COUNTY.
YOU WILL TAKE ME AND WE WILL INVITE ANOTHER COUPLE TO JOIN US.
HOW ABOUT ME AND CONNIE? WE WERE JUST SAYING WE DON'T GO OUT ENOUGH WITH OTHER COUPLES.
YOU AND CONNIE? ( laughs ) WHAT ON EARTH WOULD WE TALK ABOUT? WELL, THE UPSHOT IS THE MAN'S NOT DEAD AND I'VE GOT A FREE DINNER FOR FOUR AT THAT'S AMORE.
( all cheer ) WE GET TO SHARE A MEAL AT THE MOST ROMANTIC RESTAURANT IN TOWN.
SORRY, PEGGY WANTS IT TO BE A COUPLES' DATE.
YOU KNOW, WITH ANOTHER COUPLE.
( all groan ) WAIT A MINUTE.
I HAVE A WIFE; WE'RE A COUPLE.
( singsong ): I GET A FREE MEAL! I GET A FREE MEAL! HA, HA.
( sighs ) Nancy: WHO IS IT? DALE GRIBBLE.
( muffled whispering ) COME IN! SORRY TO INTERRUPT YOUR HEALING SESSION-- HEY, JOHN REDCORN-- BUT HANK AND PEGGY INVITED US TO DINNER SATURDAY NIGHT.
BUT SATURDAY IS ONE OF MY JOHN REDCORN NIGHTS.
SORRY, SUG.
BUT, NANCY, MAYBE YOU SHOULD GO.
WHAT? NO.
I HAVE AN APPOINTMENT WITH YOU FOR MY MIGRAINES.
YES, I KNOW.
IT'S JUST I'VE HEALED YOU THREE TO FIVE NIGHTS A WEEK FOR MANY YEARS.
I COULD REALLY USE A NIGHT OFF.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
DID I DO SOMETHING TO UPSET YOU? AS A PATIENT? NO, OF COURSE NOT.
I LOVE TREATING YOU FOR MIGRAINES.
THEN WHAT IS IT? IT'S NOTHING.
IT'S NOT NOTHING.
IT'S JUST DAMN IT, CAN'T I TAKE A NIGHT OFF? DO WHATEVER YOU WANT.
I DON'T CARE.
( door slams ) GREAT.
I'LL TELL 'EM WE'RE ON.
GUESS WHO'S JOINING US FOR DINNER.
DALE AND NANCY.
SHE ALREADY TOLD YOU? OH, MY GOD! HANK, I WAS JOKING.
I DIDN'T MEAN TO INVITE HIM.
I WOULDN'T HAVE EVEN BROUGHT IT UP IF I REMEMBERED FOR A SECOND THAT HE WAS MARRIED.
( scoffs ) THEY'RE NOT EVEN A REAL COUPLE.
DID YOU KNOW SHE ONLY SLEEPS WITH HIM ON HIS BIRTHDAY AND CHRISTMAS? THAT'S WHY SHE GETS SO DEPRESSED AROUND THE HOLIDAYS.
PEGGY.
MADAME GRIBBLE.
WOULD YOU EXCUSE ME? BOY, HER CAN LOOKS SO SEXY WHEN SHE'S WALKING AWAY IT'S ALMOST A SHAME SHE'S GOING TO TURN AROUND AND COME BACK.
( coughing ) Hello.
This is John Redcorn.
If you're calling about the car, it's already been sold.
Otherwise, please leave a message.
( machine beeps ) JOHN REDCORN, IT'S ME.
I guess you're out enjoying your night off.
Well, I miss you.
I'll call you tomorrow.
( grunts ) HEY THERE, BEAUTIFUL.
WHAT ARE YOU DRINKING, RED WINE? YEP, RED WINE.
TAKE A HIKE.
THE LADY DOESN'T WANT TO BE BOTHERED.
IT'S OKAY.
I KNOW HIM.
I HAVE NEVER SEEN THIS WOMAN BEFORE IN MY LIFE EXCEPT IN MY DREAMS.
( moderate-tempo jazz plays ) ( snorts ) YOU SMELL GOOD.
THANK YOU.
( sniffs ) I LIKE YOUR TIE.
FOUND IT ON THE GROUND.
HAVEN'T WORN IT SINCE I WAS INAUGURATED PRESIDENT OF THE GUN CLUB.
I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE PRESIDENT.
CONGRATULATIONS.
OH, AND CONGRATULATIONS TO YOU ON YOUR 79% ACCURACY RATE IN PREDICTING LAST MONTH'S WEATHER.
YOU WATCH CHANNEL 84 ACTION NEWS WITH MIGUEL HERNANDEZ? I SORT OF HAVE A CRUSH ON THE WEATHER GAL.
OH, I FORGOT YOU HAVE BROWN EYES.
THEY'RE SO CUTE AND CLOSE TOGETHER.
LOOK AT THOSE TWO.
THEY'RE SO HAPPY ALMOST MAKES YOU FORGET THEIR LAST 14 YEARS.
MM-HMM.
ROMANCE HAS A NEW ADDRESS.
YEP.
THIS PLACE SURE IS SPECIAL.
HANK, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE? OH, NO THANKS.
I'M ON MY FEET ALL DAY.
SELF-TAUGHT! I HAD A NICE TIME TONIGHT, SUG.
YEAH.
ME, TOO.
WELL, GOOD NIGHT.
DALE? ( both moaning ) AH OKAY, LET'S GET STARTED.
( yawns ) MMM.
OH, MY GOD.
BOY, IF THEY GAVE AN OLYMPIC MEDAL IN SEXUAL GYMNASTICS I WOULD'VE TAKEN HOME THE SILVER LAST NIGHT.
HEH-HEH.
YEAH.
IF YOU SAY SO.
I WAS PRETTY DRUNK.
OOH, I'D FORGOTTEN HOW COMFORTABLE YOUR MATTRESS IS.
WHAT IS IT, SEALY? SIMMONS? SERTA? SPRING AIR? STEARNS & FOSTER? I DON'T KNOW.
SIMMONS, I BET.
WELL, GOT TO GO EMPTY SOME GLUE TRAPS OVER AT THE PRESCHOOL.
BUT I'LL BE THINKING OF YOU.
MORNING, NANCY.
YOU'RE UP EARLY, AND SO AM I.
MORNING.
OH, IS SOMETHING WRONG? ( crying ): I SLEPT WITH DALE.
OH, MY GOD, WE FORGOT HIS BIRTHDAY.
OH, WHAT IF JOHN REDCORN FINDS OUT? 14 YEARS WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER AND I THROW IT ALL AWAY FOR ONE NIGHT OF RECKLESS PASSION.
NANCY, NOW, YOU KNOW MY POSITION ON MONOGAMY.
I AM IN FAVOR OF IT.
THIS IS YOUR CHANCE TO GIVE UP THE EXCITEMENT OF AN AFFAIR AND HAVE A NORMAL LIFE WITH YOUR HUSBAND.
I'M SORRY, SUG.
MAYBE MONOGAMY WORKS FOR YOU AND HANK BUT IT DOES NOT WORK FOR ME AND DALE AND JOHN REDCORN.
HEY, BABY.
DADDY'S HOME.
YOU MISS ME? MMM.
JOHN REDCORN'S COMING OVER TONIGHT.
WHEN ARE YOU LEAVING FOR THE GUN CLUB? YOUR HEADACHE'S BACK? BUT YOU FELT FINE WHEN I LEFT.
WAIT A MINUTE.
EVERY TIME I LEAVE, YOU CALL JOHN REDCORN.
I KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON HERE.
YOUR HEADACHES ARE A DESPERATE BID FOR MY ATTENTIONS.
BUT WHAT DO I DO? I PAWN YOU OFF ON SOME INDIAN HEALER SO I CAN HAVE MY DALE TIME AT THE GUN CLUB OR BREEDING SHOW TURTLES OR ON THE INTERNET INVESTIGATING UNEXPLAINED PHENOMENANA.
GOD, I AM SO SELFISH.
OH, STOP BLAMING YOURSELF, SUG.
IN SOME WAYS, THIS IS MY FAULT, TOO.
I DON'T DESERVE YOU.
OF COURSE YOU DO.
YOU ARE A SENSITIVE, TRUSTING SWEET, TRUSTING MAN AND I DON'T DESERVE YOU.
ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE NOT AN ALIEN? 'CAUSE YOU JUST ABDUCTED MY HEART.
SOMEONE JUST HAD SEX WITH HIS WIFE.
DANG, MAN.
I'LL TELL YOU, OH, HANK, MAN.
YOU GO GRABBIN' A LITTLE OL' AFTERNOON LIKE THAT, MAN.
WHAT? I DIDN'T DO ME! ME! IT WAS ME! YOU, AND-AND NANCY, ARE YOU SURE? YEAH, I THOUGHT YOU WERE WITHHOLDING INTIMACY TO PRESERVE YOUR LIFE FORCE.
I WAS.
BUT THEN HANK HAD TO GO DRAGGING ME AND THE OLD LADY TO SOME ITALIAN ROMANCERIA.
NEXT THING YOU KNOW WE'RE ON OUR SECOND HONEYMOON ONLY THIS TIME, NO CRUISE SHIP AND I ONLY VOMITED ONCE.
I THINK I'VE FINALLY GOTTEN TO THE POIN WHERE I ACTUALLY LOVE HER MORE THAN MY MOTHER.
( sighs ) Hello, this is John Redcorn.
If you're calling about the car, it's already been John: Hello, hello? HELLO? Yeah, hold on.
( beeps ) Sorry.
UM, I HAVE TO CANCEL TONIGHT'S SESSION.
What? I I HAVE A HEADACHE.
So? Just take an aspirin.
HERE'S THE THING.
I CAN'T SEE YOU ANYMORE.
Nancy, please.
I'M SORRY, JOHN REDCORN.
THERE YOU ARE, SUG.
WHO LET YOU OUT OF THE HOUSE? ( clears throat ) UH, PEGGY AND I SURE DID HAVE A GOOD TIME LAST NIGHT.
OH, YEAH, DALE AND I HAD A GOOD TIME LAST NIGHT, TOO.
( chuckles ) ( giggles ) THE FOUR OF US SHOULD GET TOGETHER AGAIN SOON.
( groans ) FLY, ROBIN, FLY FLY, ROBIN, FLY ( disco beat plays ) WHOO! HEY, HANK, WHY ARE YOU SKATING BACKWARDS? ( chuckles ) IF I WANTED TO, I COULD.
I JUST THINK THERE ARE BETTER THINGS THE FOUR OF US COULD BE DOING TOGETHER.
ARE YOU SUGGESTING WE SWING? I'M SORRY, I DON'T SHARE MY NANCY WITH ANYONE.
I WAS NOT SUGGESTING THAT AT ALL.
YOU CAN'T GO BACK ON IT NOW.
IT'S ALREADY OUT THERE.
NANCY, I AM SO GLAD YOU FINALLY TOOK MY ADVICE AND DECIDED TO LOVE DALE.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT? I DON'T EVEN MIND DOING THE RIGHT THING WHEN IT'S THIS MUCH FUN.
( music changes ) PEOPLE ALL OVER THE WORLD LOVE TRAIN! WHOO! WHOO! START A LOVE TRAIN, LOVE TRAIN PEOPLE ALL OVER THE WORLD ( gasps ) WHAT THE HELL? ( moans ) WHERE ARE MY SMOKES? UM, I THINK THEY'RE IN THE SHOWER CADDY.
WHAT WAS HE DOING IN YOUR BED? TELL ME HE HAD A NIGHTMARE.
I DIDN'T MEAN TO HURT YOU.
YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE ME.
DO YOU LOVE HIM? I'M SORRY.
NO, I'M SORRY.
( screams ) HUH, JOHN REDCORN? I, I DIDN'T, I MEAN, I I THOUGHT HE WAS A BURGLAR.
WHAT WAS HE DOING IN OUR BEDROOM IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT? UM HE WAS DROPPING OFF AN INSURANCE CLAIM FORM.
DAMN MY CAT-LIKE REFLEXES.
SH-SH-SHAH! STOP WITH THE "SH-SH-SHAH," SUG.
( moans ) EVERYTHING'S GOING TO BE OKAY.
I'M HERE FOR YOU.
SO IS DALE.
OH, GOD, OH, GOD, PLEASE DON'T SUE.
JOHN REDCORN, COME BACK! I'M SORRY! YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG.
I'M THE ONE WHO KABONKED HIM.
HEY, LOOK WE'RE BRUSHING OUR TEETH TOGETHER.
YOU THINK WE SHOULD INVITE DALE AND NANCY TO JOIN US? WOULDN'T THAT BE FUN? OBVIOUSLY NOT.
BUT I THINK THAT WAS YOUR POINT.
DON'T GET ME WRONG.
I'M GLAD THEIR MARRIAGE HAS STOPPED CRUMBLING BUT WHEN ARE THESE COUPLES' DATES GOING TO END? YOU KNOW, DALE THOUGHT WE WANTED TO SWING? SWING? ABSOLUTELY NOT.
YOU GET NANCY, AND I END UP WITH DALE? WHO'S THE CLEAR WINNER THERE, HMM? DALE.
IT'S JUST SEEING YOU LIKE THA PASSED OUT ON THE FLOOR SO VULNERABLE LIKE A SEXY, WOUNDED BEAR.
WE'VE BEEN THROUGH TOO MUCH TOGETHER TO END IT LIKE THIS.
I want you back.
I'M 36 YEARS OLD.
I DON'T NEED THIS CRAP.
( sobbing ) WAS THAT JOHN REDCORN? NO.
OH, YES.
HOW'S HE DOING? I DON'T KNOW.
HE HUNG UP ON ME.
MAYBE I SHOULD GO OVER TO HIS TRAILER AND APOLOGIZE.
NO! I THINK MAYBE THE BEST THING FOR YOU-- FOR BOTH OF US-- IS TO JUST LET IT GO.
PROMISE ME, DALE.
PROMISE YOU'LL LET IT GO.
ALL HE EVER DID WAS MAKE YOUR HEAD FEEL BETTER AND I GO AND MAKE HIS HEAD FEEL WORSE.
IT'S ALMOST IRONIC.
( knocking ) HEY, JOHN REDCORN.
I CAME TO APOLOGIZE FOR BEATING YOU UP.
YOU DIDN'T BEAT ME UP.
YOU SNUCK UP BEHIND ME WITH A LAMP.
OKAY, I KNOW YOU'RE MAD AT ME RIGHT NOW AND PROBABLY A LITTLE SCARED AND I FEEL HORRIBLE.
NOW, WHAT DO YOU SAY? LET'S SMOKUM PEACE PIPE.
( groans ): GOOD-BYE, DALE.
OH, COME ON.
HOW ABOUT YOU HIT ME ON THE HEAD AND WE CALL IT EVEN? THIS'LL WORK.
HITTING YOU WON'T CHANGE ANYTHING.
I'LL STILL BE LIVING IN A TRAILER NO WIFE, NO LAND.
YOU KNOW, OVER HALF OF ARLEN USED TO BELONG TO MY PEOPLE.
YOU COME FROM MONEY? TEN YEARS AGO, I FILED A LAWSUI AGAINST THE BUREAU OF INDIAN AFFAIRS.
BUT TO THIS DAY, THEY REFUSE TO RETURN THE LAND THAT IS RIGHTFULLY OURS.
HMM.
HAVE YOU TRIED USING FOIA? WHAT? ENACTED IN 1966 THE FREEDOM OF INFORMATION ACT, OR FOIA GIVES ANY CITIZEN THE RIGHT TO REQUEST ACCESS TO FEDERAL AGENCY RECORDS OR INFORMATION.
IT'S WHAT I USED WHEN I TOOK ON THE I.
R.
S.
FOR DISALLOWING MY STATUS AS A TAX-EXEMPT CHURCH.
WOULD YOU MIND? "BRINGING DOWN THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT"? NOT AT ALL.
CAN I? NO.
PLEASE? NO.
OH, COME ON.
( sighs ) IF IT'LL SHUT YOU UP DALE, DINNER! HAVE YOU SUGS SEEN DALE? I CAN'T SEE ANYTHING.
GEEZ, I HOPE HE'S NOT DEAD OR WE'D HAVE TO CANCEL OUR COUPLES' DATE AT THE LAKE.
DAMN.
WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? I'VE BEEN WORRIED.
WELL, NOT WORRIED.
LONELY.
OH, I WAS AT JOHN UM, AT THE GUN CLUB PLAYING RUSSIAN ROULETTE.
OH, DID YOU WIN? YOU'RE NOT REALLY FAMILIAR WITH THE GAME, ARE YOU? NO.
( sniffs ): YEAH, I WON.
"FIFTHFULLY, WE DON'T LIVE IN COMMUNIST CHINA AND OUR INDIANS HAVE RIGHTS WHICH ARE" ( groans ): AH OOH.
YOU'RE PUSHING YOURSELF TOO HARD.
YOU MUST RELAX.
( moans ) MMM.
OH, YEAH.
DALE, YOU ARE A GOOD MAN.
ALL THIS EFFORT ON BEHALF OF MY STRUGGLE AND YOU'RE NOT EVEN A NATIVE AMERICAN.
ISN'T IT TIME WE PUT ASIDE OUR DIFFERENCES? ON BEHALF OF THE WHITE MAN I WOULD LIKE TO FORMALLY APOLOGIZE FOR EVERYTHING MY PEOPLE HAVE DONE TO YOUR PEOPLE.
AND I WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE TO YOU AND YOUR PEOPLE.
DALE SAID HE'D MEET ME HERE AFTER DE-ROACHING THE CHRISTIAN SCIENCE READING ROOM.
I FEEL LIKE SUCH A FOOL.
SHE FEELS LIKE A FOOL? I MIGHT AS WELL BE PADDLING A GIANT JACKASS AROUND THE LAKE.
WELL, HE'S NOT COMING.
AND YOU WONDER WHY I NEED TWO MEN.
ONE IS ALWAYS LETTING ME DOWN.
AH, YEAH, OKAY, THEN.
THAT'S IT.
WE'RE GOING IN.
HANK NANCY, GOING BACK TO HAVING DALE AND JOHN REDCORN IS NOT THE ANSWER.
THERE'S AN EXPRESSION THAT I ONCE HEARD.
IT GOES SOMETHING LIKE "TWO'S COMPANY, THREE'S A CROWD.
" HMM.
WELL, I'VE HEARD ANOTHER EXPRESSION.
"THE HEART WANTS WHAT IT WANTS.
" WOODY ALLEN.
NANCY, WAIT! HE MARRIED HIS DAUGHTER! AND DONE.
ALL IT NEEDS IS YOUR JOHN HANCOCK, JOHN REDCORN.
( knocking ) THANK YOU AGAIN, DALE.
THE PIZZA, IT'S ON ME.
I MADE A MISTAKE.
I HAD IT ALL, AND I THREW HALF OF IT AWAY.
ALL I WANT IS IT ALL AGAIN.
NANCY, NO.
NANCY? OH, MY GOD, DALE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? UH, DANG CHRISTIAN SCIENTISTS GAVE ME A HEADACHE.
THEN THEY WOULDN'T GIVE ME AN ASPIRIN; JUST A MAGAZINE, SO I THOUGHT REDCORN COULD HELP.
A SIMILAR QUESTION WOULD BE WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? I, UH, HAVE A HEADACHE, TOO.
A BIG MIGRAINE JUST SNUCK UP ON ME.
OW, OW, OH, IT HURTS.
YOUR HEADACHES ARE BACK? BUT I THOUGHT AH THE SWAN BOATS.
I COMPLETELY FORGOT.
NOW YOU GOT A MIGRAINE AND IT'S ALL MY FAULT.
I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY.
NO.
OKAY, NANCY, HERE'S THE DEAL.
I KNOW I PROMISED I WOULDN'T COME HERE BUT 15 YEARS OF PATIENT-HEALER RELATIONS AND I SHATTER IT LIKE SO MUCH LAMP ON SCALP.
I CAN'T FIX THAT LAMP.
I TRIED AND I GOT A REALLY BAD SHOCK.
BUT MAYBE I CAN PUT YOU TWO BACK TOGETHER.
YOU CAME HERE FOR ME? FOR BOTH OF YOU.
WHAT DO YOU SAY, JOHN REDCORN? WILL YOU HEAL MY WIFE? PLEASE? NO.
I'M SORRY, BUT NO.
YOU BASTARD! AFTER ALL THE HELP I'VE GIVEN YOU? DALE, YOU'VE BECOME A TRUE FRIEND.
WHICH IS WHY IT WOULD BE UNPROFESSIONAL OF ME TO CONTINUE SEEING YOUR WIFE.
I UNDERSTAND.
WAIT, I GUESS I COULD TREAT YOU.
I MAY NOT BE A LICENSED NEW AGE HEALER BUT I THINK I'VE WALKED IN ON YOU GUYS OFTEN ENOUGH TO KNOW WHAT GOES ON IN THERE.
DALE, THE POWER TO HEAL DWELLS NOT IN THE HEAD OR THE HANDS, BUT IN THE HEART.
YOU ARE A GOOD MAN AND YOU LOVE NANCY VERY MUCH AND PERHAPS LOVE IS THE STRONGEST MEDICINE OF ALL.
( smirking ) I'M SORRY, IT'S JUST GOOD-BYE, NANCY.
GOOD-BYE, JOHN REDCORN.
( snickering ) I WAS GETTING A WEIRD VIBE IN THERE.
YOU THINK HE'S GAY? THIS IS GOOD.
THIS IS DYNAMITE.
LOVE TRAIN! WHOO! WHOO!
( door creaking ) HELLO? HANK HILL, STRICKLAND PROPANE.
UNANNOUNCED SERVICE CHECK.
WE'VE GOT A STORAGE TANK SITUATION THAT REQUIRES IMMEDIATE ATTENTION.
( muffled knocking and shouting ) SOMEONE HERE? OH UH, MR.
WINSTON, WE'VE GOT A PROBLEM HERE.
WHEN YOU REPLACED YOUR REGULATOR YOU DIDN'T REPLACE THE COPPER PIGTAIL AND NOW YOU'VE OH, THANK GOD.
THANK YOU, HANK.
YOU SAVED MY LIFE.
A LEAKY PIGTAIL'S REALLY MORE OF A WASTE ISSUE THAN A SAFETY ISSUE.
I'VE BEEN TRAPPED IN THAT DANG FREEZER SINCE 2:00 IN THE MORNING.
I DROPPED A JAR OF RAGU AND THE DOOR SLAMMED SHUT WHILE I WAS MOPPING IT UP.
IF IT WEREN'T FOR YOU, I'D BE DEAD.
REALLY? I SAVED A LIFE.
HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT? I LIKE IT A LOT, HANK.
WHY DON'T YOU COME BACK THIS WEEKEND? I'LL GIVE YOU DINNER FOR TWO ON THE HOUSE.
OH, WHAT AM I SAYING? YOU SAVED MY LIFE-- DINNER FOR FOUR.
Hank: AND THEN I OPENED THE FREEZER DOOR AND DAMNED IF I DIDN'T FIND A GUY IN A TUXEDO.
OH, HANK, YOU COULD HAVE BEEN KILLED.
NOW, PROMISE ME YOU WILL NEVER DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT AGAIN.
WELL, HOLD ON.
TO THANK ME FOR SAVING HIS LIFE HE'S GIVING ME FREE DINNER FOR FOUR INCLUDING DRINKS, BUT NOT TIP.
SO, WHO SHOULD WE INVITE? OH, I FIGURED SINCE IT WAS FOR FOUR PEOPLE I'D TAKE DALE, BILL AND BOOMHAUER.
YOU CAN'T GO WITH THE GUYS.
THAT'S AMORE IS THE MOST ROMANTIC RESTAURAN IN ALL OF HEIMLICH COUNTY.
YOU WILL TAKE ME AND WE WILL INVITE ANOTHER COUPLE TO JOIN US.
HOW ABOUT ME AND CONNIE? WE WERE JUST SAYING WE DON'T GO OUT ENOUGH WITH OTHER COUPLES.
YOU AND CONNIE? ( laughs ) WHAT ON EARTH WOULD WE TALK ABOUT? WELL, THE UPSHOT IS THE MAN'S NOT DEAD AND I'VE GOT A FREE DINNER FOR FOUR AT THAT'S AMORE.
( all cheer ) WE GET TO SHARE A MEAL AT THE MOST ROMANTIC RESTAURANT IN TOWN.
SORRY, PEGGY WANTS IT TO BE A COUPLES' DATE.
YOU KNOW, WITH ANOTHER COUPLE.
( all groan ) WAIT A MINUTE.
I HAVE A WIFE; WE'RE A COUPLE.
( singsong ): I GET A FREE MEAL! I GET A FREE MEAL! HA, HA.
( sighs ) Nancy: WHO IS IT? DALE GRIBBLE.
( muffled whispering ) COME IN! SORRY TO INTERRUPT YOUR HEALING SESSION-- HEY, JOHN REDCORN-- BUT HANK AND PEGGY INVITED US TO DINNER SATURDAY NIGHT.
BUT SATURDAY IS ONE OF MY JOHN REDCORN NIGHTS.
SORRY, SUG.
BUT, NANCY, MAYBE YOU SHOULD GO.
WHAT? NO.
I HAVE AN APPOINTMENT WITH YOU FOR MY MIGRAINES.
YES, I KNOW.
IT'S JUST I'VE HEALED YOU THREE TO FIVE NIGHTS A WEEK FOR MANY YEARS.
I COULD REALLY USE A NIGHT OFF.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
DID I DO SOMETHING TO UPSET YOU? AS A PATIENT? NO, OF COURSE NOT.
I LOVE TREATING YOU FOR MIGRAINES.
THEN WHAT IS IT? IT'S NOTHING.
IT'S NOT NOTHING.
IT'S JUST DAMN IT, CAN'T I TAKE A NIGHT OFF? DO WHATEVER YOU WANT.
I DON'T CARE.
( door slams ) GREAT.
I'LL TELL 'EM WE'RE ON.
GUESS WHO'S JOINING US FOR DINNER.
DALE AND NANCY.
SHE ALREADY TOLD YOU? OH, MY GOD! HANK, I WAS JOKING.
I DIDN'T MEAN TO INVITE HIM.
I WOULDN'T HAVE EVEN BROUGHT IT UP IF I REMEMBERED FOR A SECOND THAT HE WAS MARRIED.
( scoffs ) THEY'RE NOT EVEN A REAL COUPLE.
DID YOU KNOW SHE ONLY SLEEPS WITH HIM ON HIS BIRTHDAY AND CHRISTMAS? THAT'S WHY SHE GETS SO DEPRESSED AROUND THE HOLIDAYS.
PEGGY.
MADAME GRIBBLE.
WOULD YOU EXCUSE ME? BOY, HER CAN LOOKS SO SEXY WHEN SHE'S WALKING AWAY IT'S ALMOST A SHAME SHE'S GOING TO TURN AROUND AND COME BACK.
( coughing ) Hello.
This is John Redcorn.
If you're calling about the car, it's already been sold.
Otherwise, please leave a message.
( machine beeps ) JOHN REDCORN, IT'S ME.
I guess you're out enjoying your night off.
Well, I miss you.
I'll call you tomorrow.
( grunts ) HEY THERE, BEAUTIFUL.
WHAT ARE YOU DRINKING, RED WINE? YEP, RED WINE.
TAKE A HIKE.
THE LADY DOESN'T WANT TO BE BOTHERED.
IT'S OKAY.
I KNOW HIM.
I HAVE NEVER SEEN THIS WOMAN BEFORE IN MY LIFE EXCEPT IN MY DREAMS.
( moderate-tempo jazz plays ) ( snorts ) YOU SMELL GOOD.
THANK YOU.
( sniffs ) I LIKE YOUR TIE.
FOUND IT ON THE GROUND.
HAVEN'T WORN IT SINCE I WAS INAUGURATED PRESIDENT OF THE GUN CLUB.
I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE PRESIDENT.
CONGRATULATIONS.
OH, AND CONGRATULATIONS TO YOU ON YOUR 79% ACCURACY RATE IN PREDICTING LAST MONTH'S WEATHER.
YOU WATCH CHANNEL 84 ACTION NEWS WITH MIGUEL HERNANDEZ? I SORT OF HAVE A CRUSH ON THE WEATHER GAL.
OH, I FORGOT YOU HAVE BROWN EYES.
THEY'RE SO CUTE AND CLOSE TOGETHER.
LOOK AT THOSE TWO.
THEY'RE SO HAPPY ALMOST MAKES YOU FORGET THEIR LAST 14 YEARS.
MM-HMM.
ROMANCE HAS A NEW ADDRESS.
YEP.
THIS PLACE SURE IS SPECIAL.
HANK, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE? OH, NO THANKS.
I'M ON MY FEET ALL DAY.
SELF-TAUGHT! I HAD A NICE TIME TONIGHT, SUG.
YEAH.
ME, TOO.
WELL, GOOD NIGHT.
DALE? ( both moaning ) AH OKAY, LET'S GET STARTED.
( yawns ) MMM.
OH, MY GOD.
BOY, IF THEY GAVE AN OLYMPIC MEDAL IN SEXUAL GYMNASTICS I WOULD'VE TAKEN HOME THE SILVER LAST NIGHT.
HEH-HEH.
YEAH.
IF YOU SAY SO.
I WAS PRETTY DRUNK.
OOH, I'D FORGOTTEN HOW COMFORTABLE YOUR MATTRESS IS.
WHAT IS IT, SEALY? SIMMONS? SERTA? SPRING AIR? STEARNS & FOSTER? I DON'T KNOW.
SIMMONS, I BET.
WELL, GOT TO GO EMPTY SOME GLUE TRAPS OVER AT THE PRESCHOOL.
BUT I'LL BE THINKING OF YOU.
MORNING, NANCY.
YOU'RE UP EARLY, AND SO AM I.
MORNING.
OH, IS SOMETHING WRONG? ( crying ): I SLEPT WITH DALE.
OH, MY GOD, WE FORGOT HIS BIRTHDAY.
OH, WHAT IF JOHN REDCORN FINDS OUT? 14 YEARS WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER AND I THROW IT ALL AWAY FOR ONE NIGHT OF RECKLESS PASSION.
NANCY, NOW, YOU KNOW MY POSITION ON MONOGAMY.
I AM IN FAVOR OF IT.
THIS IS YOUR CHANCE TO GIVE UP THE EXCITEMENT OF AN AFFAIR AND HAVE A NORMAL LIFE WITH YOUR HUSBAND.
I'M SORRY, SUG.
MAYBE MONOGAMY WORKS FOR YOU AND HANK BUT IT DOES NOT WORK FOR ME AND DALE AND JOHN REDCORN.
HEY, BABY.
DADDY'S HOME.
YOU MISS ME? MMM.
JOHN REDCORN'S COMING OVER TONIGHT.
WHEN ARE YOU LEAVING FOR THE GUN CLUB? YOUR HEADACHE'S BACK? BUT YOU FELT FINE WHEN I LEFT.
WAIT A MINUTE.
EVERY TIME I LEAVE, YOU CALL JOHN REDCORN.
I KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON HERE.
YOUR HEADACHES ARE A DESPERATE BID FOR MY ATTENTIONS.
BUT WHAT DO I DO? I PAWN YOU OFF ON SOME INDIAN HEALER SO I CAN HAVE MY DALE TIME AT THE GUN CLUB OR BREEDING SHOW TURTLES OR ON THE INTERNET INVESTIGATING UNEXPLAINED PHENOMENANA.
GOD, I AM SO SELFISH.
OH, STOP BLAMING YOURSELF, SUG.
IN SOME WAYS, THIS IS MY FAULT, TOO.
I DON'T DESERVE YOU.
OF COURSE YOU DO.
YOU ARE A SENSITIVE, TRUSTING SWEET, TRUSTING MAN AND I DON'T DESERVE YOU.
ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE NOT AN ALIEN? 'CAUSE YOU JUST ABDUCTED MY HEART.
SOMEONE JUST HAD SEX WITH HIS WIFE.
DANG, MAN.
I'LL TELL YOU, OH, HANK, MAN.
YOU GO GRABBIN' A LITTLE OL' AFTERNOON LIKE THAT, MAN.
WHAT? I DIDN'T DO ME! ME! IT WAS ME! YOU, AND-AND NANCY, ARE YOU SURE? YEAH, I THOUGHT YOU WERE WITHHOLDING INTIMACY TO PRESERVE YOUR LIFE FORCE.
I WAS.
BUT THEN HANK HAD TO GO DRAGGING ME AND THE OLD LADY TO SOME ITALIAN ROMANCERIA.
NEXT THING YOU KNOW WE'RE ON OUR SECOND HONEYMOON ONLY THIS TIME, NO CRUISE SHIP AND I ONLY VOMITED ONCE.
I THINK I'VE FINALLY GOTTEN TO THE POIN WHERE I ACTUALLY LOVE HER MORE THAN MY MOTHER.
( sighs ) Hello, this is John Redcorn.
If you're calling about the car, it's already been John: Hello, hello? HELLO? Yeah, hold on.
( beeps ) Sorry.
UM, I HAVE TO CANCEL TONIGHT'S SESSION.
What? I I HAVE A HEADACHE.
So? Just take an aspirin.
HERE'S THE THING.
I CAN'T SEE YOU ANYMORE.
Nancy, please.
I'M SORRY, JOHN REDCORN.
THERE YOU ARE, SUG.
WHO LET YOU OUT OF THE HOUSE? ( clears throat ) UH, PEGGY AND I SURE DID HAVE A GOOD TIME LAST NIGHT.
OH, YEAH, DALE AND I HAD A GOOD TIME LAST NIGHT, TOO.
( chuckles ) ( giggles ) THE FOUR OF US SHOULD GET TOGETHER AGAIN SOON.
( groans ) FLY, ROBIN, FLY FLY, ROBIN, FLY ( disco beat plays ) WHOO! HEY, HANK, WHY ARE YOU SKATING BACKWARDS? ( chuckles ) IF I WANTED TO, I COULD.
I JUST THINK THERE ARE BETTER THINGS THE FOUR OF US COULD BE DOING TOGETHER.
ARE YOU SUGGESTING WE SWING? I'M SORRY, I DON'T SHARE MY NANCY WITH ANYONE.
I WAS NOT SUGGESTING THAT AT ALL.
YOU CAN'T GO BACK ON IT NOW.
IT'S ALREADY OUT THERE.
NANCY, I AM SO GLAD YOU FINALLY TOOK MY ADVICE AND DECIDED TO LOVE DALE.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT? I DON'T EVEN MIND DOING THE RIGHT THING WHEN IT'S THIS MUCH FUN.
( music changes ) PEOPLE ALL OVER THE WORLD LOVE TRAIN! WHOO! WHOO! START A LOVE TRAIN, LOVE TRAIN PEOPLE ALL OVER THE WORLD ( gasps ) WHAT THE HELL? ( moans ) WHERE ARE MY SMOKES? UM, I THINK THEY'RE IN THE SHOWER CADDY.
WHAT WAS HE DOING IN YOUR BED? TELL ME HE HAD A NIGHTMARE.
I DIDN'T MEAN TO HURT YOU.
YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE ME.
DO YOU LOVE HIM? I'M SORRY.
NO, I'M SORRY.
( screams ) HUH, JOHN REDCORN? I, I DIDN'T, I MEAN, I I THOUGHT HE WAS A BURGLAR.
WHAT WAS HE DOING IN OUR BEDROOM IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT? UM HE WAS DROPPING OFF AN INSURANCE CLAIM FORM.
DAMN MY CAT-LIKE REFLEXES.
SH-SH-SHAH! STOP WITH THE "SH-SH-SHAH," SUG.
( moans ) EVERYTHING'S GOING TO BE OKAY.
I'M HERE FOR YOU.
SO IS DALE.
OH, GOD, OH, GOD, PLEASE DON'T SUE.
JOHN REDCORN, COME BACK! I'M SORRY! YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG.
I'M THE ONE WHO KABONKED HIM.
HEY, LOOK WE'RE BRUSHING OUR TEETH TOGETHER.
YOU THINK WE SHOULD INVITE DALE AND NANCY TO JOIN US? WOULDN'T THAT BE FUN? OBVIOUSLY NOT.
BUT I THINK THAT WAS YOUR POINT.
DON'T GET ME WRONG.
I'M GLAD THEIR MARRIAGE HAS STOPPED CRUMBLING BUT WHEN ARE THESE COUPLES' DATES GOING TO END? YOU KNOW, DALE THOUGHT WE WANTED TO SWING? SWING? ABSOLUTELY NOT.
YOU GET NANCY, AND I END UP WITH DALE? WHO'S THE CLEAR WINNER THERE, HMM? DALE.
IT'S JUST SEEING YOU LIKE THA PASSED OUT ON THE FLOOR SO VULNERABLE LIKE A SEXY, WOUNDED BEAR.
WE'VE BEEN THROUGH TOO MUCH TOGETHER TO END IT LIKE THIS.
I want you back.
I'M 36 YEARS OLD.
I DON'T NEED THIS CRAP.
( sobbing ) WAS THAT JOHN REDCORN? NO.
OH, YES.
HOW'S HE DOING? I DON'T KNOW.
HE HUNG UP ON ME.
MAYBE I SHOULD GO OVER TO HIS TRAILER AND APOLOGIZE.
NO! I THINK MAYBE THE BEST THING FOR YOU-- FOR BOTH OF US-- IS TO JUST LET IT GO.
PROMISE ME, DALE.
PROMISE YOU'LL LET IT GO.
ALL HE EVER DID WAS MAKE YOUR HEAD FEEL BETTER AND I GO AND MAKE HIS HEAD FEEL WORSE.
IT'S ALMOST IRONIC.
( knocking ) HEY, JOHN REDCORN.
I CAME TO APOLOGIZE FOR BEATING YOU UP.
YOU DIDN'T BEAT ME UP.
YOU SNUCK UP BEHIND ME WITH A LAMP.
OKAY, I KNOW YOU'RE MAD AT ME RIGHT NOW AND PROBABLY A LITTLE SCARED AND I FEEL HORRIBLE.
NOW, WHAT DO YOU SAY? LET'S SMOKUM PEACE PIPE.
( groans ): GOOD-BYE, DALE.
OH, COME ON.
HOW ABOUT YOU HIT ME ON THE HEAD AND WE CALL IT EVEN? THIS'LL WORK.
HITTING YOU WON'T CHANGE ANYTHING.
I'LL STILL BE LIVING IN A TRAILER NO WIFE, NO LAND.
YOU KNOW, OVER HALF OF ARLEN USED TO BELONG TO MY PEOPLE.
YOU COME FROM MONEY? TEN YEARS AGO, I FILED A LAWSUI AGAINST THE BUREAU OF INDIAN AFFAIRS.
BUT TO THIS DAY, THEY REFUSE TO RETURN THE LAND THAT IS RIGHTFULLY OURS.
HMM.
HAVE YOU TRIED USING FOIA? WHAT? ENACTED IN 1966 THE FREEDOM OF INFORMATION ACT, OR FOIA GIVES ANY CITIZEN THE RIGHT TO REQUEST ACCESS TO FEDERAL AGENCY RECORDS OR INFORMATION.
IT'S WHAT I USED WHEN I TOOK ON THE I.
R.
S.
FOR DISALLOWING MY STATUS AS A TAX-EXEMPT CHURCH.
WOULD YOU MIND? "BRINGING DOWN THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT"? NOT AT ALL.
CAN I? NO.
PLEASE? NO.
OH, COME ON.
( sighs ) IF IT'LL SHUT YOU UP DALE, DINNER! HAVE YOU SUGS SEEN DALE? I CAN'T SEE ANYTHING.
GEEZ, I HOPE HE'S NOT DEAD OR WE'D HAVE TO CANCEL OUR COUPLES' DATE AT THE LAKE.
DAMN.
WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? I'VE BEEN WORRIED.
WELL, NOT WORRIED.
LONELY.
OH, I WAS AT JOHN UM, AT THE GUN CLUB PLAYING RUSSIAN ROULETTE.
OH, DID YOU WIN? YOU'RE NOT REALLY FAMILIAR WITH THE GAME, ARE YOU? NO.
( sniffs ): YEAH, I WON.
"FIFTHFULLY, WE DON'T LIVE IN COMMUNIST CHINA AND OUR INDIANS HAVE RIGHTS WHICH ARE" ( groans ): AH OOH.
YOU'RE PUSHING YOURSELF TOO HARD.
YOU MUST RELAX.
( moans ) MMM.
OH, YEAH.
DALE, YOU ARE A GOOD MAN.
ALL THIS EFFORT ON BEHALF OF MY STRUGGLE AND YOU'RE NOT EVEN A NATIVE AMERICAN.
ISN'T IT TIME WE PUT ASIDE OUR DIFFERENCES? ON BEHALF OF THE WHITE MAN I WOULD LIKE TO FORMALLY APOLOGIZE FOR EVERYTHING MY PEOPLE HAVE DONE TO YOUR PEOPLE.
AND I WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE TO YOU AND YOUR PEOPLE.
DALE SAID HE'D MEET ME HERE AFTER DE-ROACHING THE CHRISTIAN SCIENCE READING ROOM.
I FEEL LIKE SUCH A FOOL.
SHE FEELS LIKE A FOOL? I MIGHT AS WELL BE PADDLING A GIANT JACKASS AROUND THE LAKE.
WELL, HE'S NOT COMING.
AND YOU WONDER WHY I NEED TWO MEN.
ONE IS ALWAYS LETTING ME DOWN.
AH, YEAH, OKAY, THEN.
THAT'S IT.
WE'RE GOING IN.
HANK NANCY, GOING BACK TO HAVING DALE AND JOHN REDCORN IS NOT THE ANSWER.
THERE'S AN EXPRESSION THAT I ONCE HEARD.
IT GOES SOMETHING LIKE "TWO'S COMPANY, THREE'S A CROWD.
" HMM.
WELL, I'VE HEARD ANOTHER EXPRESSION.
"THE HEART WANTS WHAT IT WANTS.
" WOODY ALLEN.
NANCY, WAIT! HE MARRIED HIS DAUGHTER! AND DONE.
ALL IT NEEDS IS YOUR JOHN HANCOCK, JOHN REDCORN.
( knocking ) THANK YOU AGAIN, DALE.
THE PIZZA, IT'S ON ME.
I MADE A MISTAKE.
I HAD IT ALL, AND I THREW HALF OF IT AWAY.
ALL I WANT IS IT ALL AGAIN.
NANCY, NO.
NANCY? OH, MY GOD, DALE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? UH, DANG CHRISTIAN SCIENTISTS GAVE ME A HEADACHE.
THEN THEY WOULDN'T GIVE ME AN ASPIRIN; JUST A MAGAZINE, SO I THOUGHT REDCORN COULD HELP.
A SIMILAR QUESTION WOULD BE WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? I, UH, HAVE A HEADACHE, TOO.
A BIG MIGRAINE JUST SNUCK UP ON ME.
OW, OW, OH, IT HURTS.
YOUR HEADACHES ARE BACK? BUT I THOUGHT AH THE SWAN BOATS.
I COMPLETELY FORGOT.
NOW YOU GOT A MIGRAINE AND IT'S ALL MY FAULT.
I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY.
NO.
OKAY, NANCY, HERE'S THE DEAL.
I KNOW I PROMISED I WOULDN'T COME HERE BUT 15 YEARS OF PATIENT-HEALER RELATIONS AND I SHATTER IT LIKE SO MUCH LAMP ON SCALP.
I CAN'T FIX THAT LAMP.
I TRIED AND I GOT A REALLY BAD SHOCK.
BUT MAYBE I CAN PUT YOU TWO BACK TOGETHER.
YOU CAME HERE FOR ME? FOR BOTH OF YOU.
WHAT DO YOU SAY, JOHN REDCORN? WILL YOU HEAL MY WIFE? PLEASE? NO.
I'M SORRY, BUT NO.
YOU BASTARD! AFTER ALL THE HELP I'VE GIVEN YOU? DALE, YOU'VE BECOME A TRUE FRIEND.
WHICH IS WHY IT WOULD BE UNPROFESSIONAL OF ME TO CONTINUE SEEING YOUR WIFE.
I UNDERSTAND.
WAIT, I GUESS I COULD TREAT YOU.
I MAY NOT BE A LICENSED NEW AGE HEALER BUT I THINK I'VE WALKED IN ON YOU GUYS OFTEN ENOUGH TO KNOW WHAT GOES ON IN THERE.
DALE, THE POWER TO HEAL DWELLS NOT IN THE HEAD OR THE HANDS, BUT IN THE HEART.
YOU ARE A GOOD MAN AND YOU LOVE NANCY VERY MUCH AND PERHAPS LOVE IS THE STRONGEST MEDICINE OF ALL.
( smirking ) I'M SORRY, IT'S JUST GOOD-BYE, NANCY.
GOOD-BYE, JOHN REDCORN.
( snickering ) I WAS GETTING A WEIRD VIBE IN THERE.
YOU THINK HE'S GAY? THIS IS GOOD.
THIS IS DYNAMITE.
LOVE TRAIN! WHOO! WHOO!