Roseanne s04e21 Episode Script

Oh, jeez.
Colonel klink is going to the russian front For this wacky foul-up.
You think they'd figure out hogan could hear their secret plans After, like, a thousand episodes.
Forget that.
After the second episode, You'd think they'd realize they should be speaking in german.
You want a soda? Yeah, sure.
Oh, jeez.
Now they're playing volleyball.
What is this, like, the nazi club med? Here you go.
Thanks.
Tell your mom you're out of chips.
Let's see what else is on.
Let's watch this.
What are you doing? That was not the reaction I was hoping for.
David, we're, like, really good friends.
So? So, I don't think you should cop a cheap feel from a friend.
Hey, my hand's way out of copping range here, Darlene.
Move it.
O.
k.
I don't believe this.
Why not.
The whole school thinks we're boyfriend and girlfriend.
So what? I just I put my arm around you.
Yeah, and what was next? I don't know.
It took me three weeks to get to that.
Oh, gross.
You've been planning this? This is the lowest moment of my entire life.
Thanks for being a part of it.
I'm sorry.
You caught me off guard.
I don't know if I see you that way.
Becky! The next time you let your car hog up the driveway like that, I'm getting it towed to indianapolis! Oh, well, it's not that important.
I'm sure she heard you anyway, dear.
Hey, david.
Hey.
You know you're out of-- Here you go.
I'm going to get out of here.
You don't have to.
Yeah, I do.
Yeah, so, just 'cause Rodbell's is missing some stuff, Everybody has to take some stupid lie detector test.
Well, don't take it.
They can't fire you if you refuse.
Oh, yeah, they can.
They just wouldn't say that that was why.
They'd say it was 'cause I was always late, Or rude to the customers, you know.
They'd find some tiny little thing.
What kind of stuff got stolen? They didn't even tell us.
You have nothing to worry about.
That's just the point.
I didn't take anything.
I really resent Rodbell's treating me Like I'm some common criminal.
I'm going to the big house, Dan.
Well, here you go, walter.
It's unbelievable, Roseanne.
I called the a.
c.
l.
u.
, And they told me I cannot be forced To take a lie detector test.
And the minute I'm fired, I should call them.
What did you swipe, walter? Nothing, Roseanne, but that doesn't mean I'm not guilty.
A cow died for this burger.
A tree died for this napkin.
I Killed a cow and a tree on my lunch hour.
Am I guilty of murder? I would have to say yeah.
But it's not just me, Roseanne.
W-w-we're all guilty! He's lucky.
He can plead insanity.
Well, I don't know how this happened, But suddenly, ladies, we are overstocked With half-empty jars of mustard and mayonnaise.
Anybody have anything to say? Uh All right.
Uh Leon, I took some things home from the restaurant.
I know it's illegal, and I'm sorry.
That's why I brought them back.
Bonnie, don't you think I notice That you leave here lumpier than when you come in? Now, I have always tried to look the other way When you've taken condiments, But how can I do that If you keep bringing them back? I'm sorry.
I figured if I brought them back, Then when they ask me if I stole anything, I could just say I borrowed them.
You're not gonna bust her, are you, Leon? Of course not.
Then could you help me? I got a vat of steak sauce in my car.
Roseanne, I hate to burst your bubble, But your little plan isn't going to work.
You see, once you believe That you've stolen something, It'll show up on the polygraph.
Yeah, but like she said, We were just borrowing it.
Yeah, but you borrowed a full jar, And when you brought it back, It was half-empty.
Now, don't you believe that that was stealing? Well, I do now, thanks to you.
Yeah, way to go, Leon.
Hey.
Hey.
You got a few minutes? Yeah, sure.
My break doesn't start for a half-hour.
Well, I was thinking Did Darlene tell you about what happened last night? Of course.
Well, I thought maybe we should talk about it.
O.
k.
, well Do want some pie or something? Yeah.
Isn't that Darlene's little boyfriend? Darlene doesn't have a boyfriend.
And yes.
What did he mean by that? What happened last night? I don't know.
Darlene never tells me a thing.
Well, here you go.
Thanks.
O.
k.
, we'll talk.
You start.
Mark said you were always trashing on him to Becky And that's why she broke up with him.
Come on, david.
Hold it.
I'm not like my brother.
I think Mark is the biggest jerk on the planet.
You were right to try to keep him away from Becky.
Hmm.
You're sucking up.
That's better.
So I guess I'm just asking you Not to sink me with Darlene.
So I'm just supposed to forget About what happened last night, is that it? Nothing happened.
I put my arm around her, that's all.
What did she tell you? I really can't tell you that, david.
Uh But I will tell you this-- Darlene is a lot like I was.
When I first starting dating mr.
Conner, you know, Oh, we took it real slow, you know? 'Cause that's what I needed at the time.
I mean, it was years before anything happened.
Got it? Yeah, I got it.
Bring on the lie detector.
I don't know, he's still Mark's brother.
Totally different kid, Dan.
Mark is obnoxious, he's rude, He's going nowhere, And he's too old for Becky.
On the other hand, David likes me.
Where's the mustard? I Took it back to Rodbell's.
What about the salami? I told you, Dan, I took everything back.
But the salamI was ours.
I Panicked! Damn.
I've been looking forward to that salami ever since dinner.
Dad? You want to go shoot some hoops? You mean your dad? A quick game.
No big deal.
Sure.
No time left on the clock.
Your team's down by a point.
Darlene, Darlene, Darlene, Darlene! Ooh! God! I'm shooting like a girl.
You're just a little rusty.
You'll get it back.
Here, put it up.
Try it again.
Hey, girlie, girlie, girlie, girlie! Girlie, girlie, girlie, girlie! Gee, I forgot how much fun it was To play with you.
Come on, put it up.
All right.
You know, dad, I really just want to talk.
I knew it.
What's up? WellI need a guy's opinion about something.
O.
k.
, I'll be the guy.
Let's say you were real good friends with this girl And you made a move on her And she turned you down.
What would you do? Why, then I'd applaud her high moral standards.
Well, that's a dad opinion.
I--I need a guy opinion.
An honest one.
Then I'd run and tell all my buddies I scored.
I meant would you still be friends with her? Oh.
Well, maybe.
Even if you were still attracted to her? Well, then I'd try again.
So it would always be on your mind? So you couldn't just, like, hang out with her? This about you and david? Let's just say I'm curious And leave it at that.
So? Well, listen, Darlene What I would do or what mr.
X would do Is, like, not the point.
You're asking me what you should do, right? Yeah, I--I guess.
Well, let me put it this way.
You have never in your life Done anything just to please somebody else.
Why start now? Cool.
Play ball! Thanks, dad.
Anytime.
Thanks for what? She just came to the old man for some advice.
Yeah? What did she talk to you about? David? It was steeped in the hypothetical, But she basically confirmed That he's warm for her form.
Well, that's just great.
You knew she was going to start with boys again.
Look at it this way.
She didn't hide in her room or anything.
She did exactly what you wanted her to do-- She came to us.
God.
You just don't get it, do you, Dan? When I said us, I meant me! [Door slams.]
[Telephone rings.]
Hello? Oh, hey, david.
Hang on one second.
Uhdavid, Darlene's in the shower.
Yeah.
Well, I'll tell her you called.
O.
k.
She'll see you at school.
Bye.
Why'd you have to say shower? Now he's picturing me naked.
Well, then I'm sure He won't be bothering you anymore.
What am I going to say to him? I know he'll want to sit next to me in detention.
You either go out with him or you don't.
Yeah, and then if we do, like, everything changes.
Yeah, but it could be better.
I mean, don't you want to kiss him? Uh-huh.
Really? Yeah, really, o.
k.
? Well, you having dreams about it? No! Well, yeah, But I woke up at the good part.
You tried to quickly fall asleep To get back into it, right? But it wasn't the same.
Suddenly everybody had big heads, And we were talking about spaghetti.
I don't know.
If I were you, I'd go for it.
What if we break up? Then I lose the best friend I ever had.
Things have already changed, Darlene.
You can't go back.
He left it up to me.
If I want, then I can decide That we'll just be friends.
Oh, good.
Guys love that.
D.
J.
! Let's go! I'll see you tonight, dad.
You going to drive Darlene? Nah, she walked.
She's got a lot to think about.
Oh, yeah.
She talk to you about david? Yeah.
Yeah, me, too.
Think she'll go out with him? I think she's gonna.
It's great you guys are talking about this.
I'm only good for guy stuff.
I think she just needed the female viewpoint From someone who's older.
This is really ticking me off.
I can't believe you're jealous over this.
Why not? It's very typical of me.
O.
k.
You called, I rushed right over.
What's so important? Uh-huh.
I'm talking to Dan right now.
O.
k.
, next time the kids have a problem, I'll send them directly to you.
This is the problem I wanted, And you hogged it.
Help.
Help.
I'm ready.
What took you so long? I'm supposed to wear this for gym today.
I don't know how to put it on.
Sounds like a problem.
Want to field this one, honey? Get out of here.
Come on, D.
J.
I can't believe you're still mad Because Darlene went to Dan instead of you.
Well, she didn't just go to Dan, you know.
She went to Becky, too.
Ooh.
She went to her older sister for advice.
Never worked for me.
Shut up.
Look, the important thing Is that Darlene got what she needed, right? Fine.
O.
k.
, then.
So, what do you need me for? Well O.
k.
I Took the stuff from the restaurant, right? Mm-hmm.
I know it was wrong, and I feel bad about it.
I can't stop thinking about it.
Mm-hmm.
So my question to you is What are the chances of beating a lie detector? You're actually going to lie? If I tell the truth, I'll get fired.
And if I lie, I got a shot.
I Sort of figured, being a cop and everything, Maybe you'd know some tricks.
There are no tricks.
It's a machine.
I can beat it.
The test measures blood pressure, Heart rate, respiration.
These are things that you can't control.
I think I can.
The only ones that can beat a lie detector test Are people that have no conscience at all.
Psychos, schizos, Pathological liars.
I know I can.
It's really hot in here.
What if I get sweaty? Will I get electrocuted? No, Mrs.
.
Conner.
There is absolutely no Danger.
Well, how's this work, anyway? If those needles start jumping all over the place, Then that's how you know I'm lying, right? Do you plan on lying, Mrs.
.
Conner? No.
Oh, it's not on yet.
O.
k.
Here we go.
Now, just concern yourself with the questions And try to remain relaxed.
Okey-doke.
State your name, please.
Roseanne Conner.
Your age? Uh-huh.
Occupation? Waitress.
Have you ever stolen any merchandise from Rodbell's? Well Yes or no, Mrs.
.
Conner.
Well, I mean, can't you start off, like, smaller Or maybe more specific? Like, you know, going like, Have I ever stolen a giant-screen TV? No.
A hose from garden supply? No.
A, uh, canoe-- Have you ever taken anything? Well, hey, how about that pen you got there? I Bet you took that from your work.
Yes.
And I'm working with it.
Ah.
Have you ever taken anything? Yes or no, please.
Yes, please.
What have you taken? Uh Ketchup, mustard Pickle chips.
What's going to happen to me? That's management's decision.
I just ask the questions.
Now, have you ever stolen any cash? Absolutely not.
How about your coworkers? Bonnie? No.
I was talking about Leon carp.
Leon? How come? Bonnie's the one that has the police record.
Uh-huh.
Well, have you ever seen mr.
Carp Take cash from the register? Yeah.
'Cause he does the books.
That's his job.
Have you observed any changes in his normal routine? No.
Have you seen him exhibit any unusual behavior? Ohh I know what this is all about.
You're trying to scrounge up some dirt on Leon Just because he's gay.
I Ought to call the a.
c.
l.
u.
Because this is totally un-american.
I won't help you In your little witch hunt.
No crappy job is worth that.
You did know he was gay, didn't you? No.
Well, he's not.
Hey.
How's it going, you still got a job? What does it matter? I can't ever go back there again.
How come? Oh, 'cause I cracked.
I Turned myself in, And then I ratted out all my friends.
Sounds like you had a full day.
Where's Darlene? Last time I saw her, She was out shooting hoops.
Well, I've decided that she's going to confide in me If I have to rip it out of her! Dan! Come here! Why didn't you return my calls? I was avoiding you.
I didn't know what to say.
You want to go out with me, yes or no? Then we stop being friends, And it becomes something different.
So your answer is no.
Now we're not friends anymore? No.
Look, I was ready for this.
I can't help liking you That way, But I'll deal with it.
I'd rather be friends than nothing.
O.
k.
O.
k.
So, I got a couple of bucks.
We can go down to the arcade, and-- What exactly did you tell her, Dan? I don't know.
I just listened and tried to be there for her, That's all.
Brilliant! Captioning performed by the national captioning institute, inc.
Hey, Bonnie.
Hey, clyde.
Here.
Our paychecks came in.
What, are they paying us by the day now? They docked us For the food we took.
worth of stuff? We ought to do all our shopping here.
Where's Leon? I got to talk to him.
They called him at the office.
They got a couple more questions to ask him.
Oh, man.
That lie detector guy lied to me.
What are you talking about? When I told him Leon was gay, He said they didn't care about that.
Why'd you tell him that? I Stuck up for him.
You weren't sticking up for me, were you? No.
I swear.
Leon's a great big old pain in the butt, But I didn't want him to get fired.
Absolutely not.
Roseanne Conner is not a Danger to herself Or the customers.
To the best of your knowledge, Is she on any medication? No.
But I think she should be.
So you consider her a good employee? A "good" employee Well, now, th-that's a poser.
Yes or no, mr.
Carp.
O.
k Yes.
Whoa! I was afraid that would happen.
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