The Middle s04e21 Episode Script

Human beings have always had the need to communicate, and the way we've done it has changed faster than we can keep up with-- but not necessarily for the better.
Sue? Are you okay? Yeah, I'm fine.
I guess.
What's wrong? Mm, it's nothing.
Okay.
What?! It's just I was looking at Facebook, and all these pictures are popping up of everyone at Chloe Kirkwood's sleepover that I guess I wasn't invited to.
A-and everyone was checking in and tagging each other.
Well, I don't know what any of that is, but is sounds bad.
How good of friends are you with this Chloe person anyway? I don't know.
As much as Carly is! Oh, Carly was invited? Mm.
Well, you didn't invite Chloe to your party, so that's probably why she didn't invite you to hers.
Yeah.
Don't let it get to you.
It's just how it goes sometimes.
Yeah, I guess.
Hey, that was good advice.
That was "get up off the floor" advice.
All right, well, if you're gonna stay there, could you roll over? I'm missing a sock.
All right.
See you then, then.
Okay, that was weird.
That applies to so many things in this house, you're gonna have to be more specific.
Your dad wants to have lunch with me tomorrow at Stuckey's.
- Okay, that is weird.
Why? - I don't know, but apparently I gotta drive an hour and a half to find out.
Wow.
I hope nothing's wrong.
Do you think somebody's sick? You know, he did have those things frozen off his head a while back.
See, this is why I never pick up the phone.
Nothing good comes of it.
Shirts! Where are my shirts?! Grr! No.
Whoa.
You saw nothing! No, I saw, like, a million bunnies in our closet.
For this crisp dollar bill, might you be willing to un-see them? Spill it.
But make it brief.
- I'm already losing interest.
- Fine.
Do you remember Bugs, the bunny mom and dad got me to make me stop whooping? - Uh-huh.
- Whoop! Well, mom and dad told me not to ever let him out.
And, of course, I did, and then he made friends with this other bunny, and then they gave each other piggyback rides, fast forward, and here we are.
Point of interest-- he is a she.
Yeah.
So, uh so what's your plan here? I figured I'd wait till they mature a little more and then release them into the wild.
You can't just throw domesticated bunnies back into the wild, Brick.
They don't know what to do! They don't know how to climb a tree to get an apple, and they can't outrun a pack of angry cows.
Come on, use your head! I will if you will.
Okay, here's what you do.
You get a box, you put 'em all in there, you make a sign that says "Free Bunnies," and you take 'em to the frugal hoosier parking lot.
You stand there, you look cute, and you hope they look cuter, and then, well, you start moving some bunnies.
Hmm.
Look at this.
Now they're going to Chi Chi's.
- Who? - The girls who didn't invite Sue to their slumber party.
Oh, and Carly's there, too? Oh, great.
What are you doin'? Snooping around on her Facebook.
What? An informed parent is a responsible parent.
I think we've proven we're neither.
Aren't you the one who says to say out of the girl drama? Yeah, well, it's a different world now, Mike.
When we were kids, if you didn't get invited to something, you didn't find out about it.
But now poor Sue is getting all these pictures popping up in her face.
Ugh.
And then they all comment on each other's pictures.
Okay, you gotta hear these ridiculous comments - that they write.
- I don't think I do.
"OMG, you are so gorg!" "Could you be more sexy?" "Save some pretty for the rest of us.
" And I gotta tell you, some of these pictures are not that great.
Who cares? Sue does plenty of stuff with friends.
Does she? 'Cause all I see her posting is a picture of her foot.
And no one's even liked it yet.
She's not gonna get invited anywhere if she's the foot-posting girl.
Frankie's she's growing up too fast anyway.
We should be thrilled she's home with her family, taking pictures of her foot.
I'd like to stay home tomorrow and take pictures of my foot.
Instead, I gotta use it to drive Look, if you do something nice for him, maybe I'll do something nice for you.
Really? - Not that.
- Yeah.
You know, my friend Stewart Merilander is in terrible shape.
He's got the diabetes, and the wheel on his trash can falls off, so I had to put it back on for him.
Should've taken a couple minutes.
Takes me an hour.
Yep.
Some things take longer than we ever think they will.
But the thing is, the next week, he brings me a tomato.
See what I'm getting at here, Mike? No, you know, uh, I-I don't, Tag.
We've been here going on two hours now, and I'm still not really sure why you wanted to have lunch with me.
Is your health okay? Pissing like a teenager again.
Uh-huh.
So So? So wh-what was it you wanted to talk to me about? You ever read that book "Tuesdays With Morrie"? No.
Don't think I have.
Every Tuesday, this Morrie fella meets with a former student of his, and he tells him his life stories and his wisdom and so on before he dies.
Oh, God.
So clear your schedule, Mike, 'cause unlike Morrie, I ain't dyin'.
I've got loads of time.
Look, mom, it's my Saturday Night sundae.
See, it's a sundae, but I'm eating it on a Saturday! Yeah, yeah.
I get it.
Ooh! I know.
I'll post it on Facebook.
I'll call it my "Saturday Night Suuue-nday," and I'll show it next to these funny socks I'm wearing.
Hey, what if we went to a movie? Then you can post you went to a movie on Saturday night.
Oh, I like that.
Oh, "going to the movies with my mom!" Don't send! No.
What about, "went to the movies with the girls"? 'Cause we're both girls, right? Love it.
I'll get my jacket.
Oh.
We're really gonna go? I don't wanna talk about it.
What? Hold on.
Is everything okay? He's not sick, is he? Worse.
He read "Tuesdays With Morrie.
" Oh.
Ohh! It's not funny, Frankie.
He wants me to drive down there every week to hear his stories.
- Every week! - Aw! I think it's sweet he wants to share with you.
Do ya? Do ya, Frankie? Then maybe you should go, 'cause my life is wrecked now.
Look, if you're so miserable, just tell him - you don't want to do it.
- I can't do that.
You can do that with your own family, not the one you married into.
You got off easy.
My dad's a hoarder who never wants to leave the house or talk to anybody.
And I am thankful for that every single day.
Well, that was a bust.
Didn't move a single bunny.
And somehow, when my back was turned, I ended up with these.
What? How did this happen? God! I gave you one job.
The only person who wanted the bunnies was a man who worked at the frugal hoosier.
On a related note, I do not think mom should buy chicken there anymore.
Great.
Now we got bunnies and kittens.
Well, there's only one thing to do.
We gotta make 'em famous.
dum, duh-duh-dum Duh-duh dum-dum-dum-dum-dum Whee! Mm.
Oh, Mr.
Bond, you're so sexy! Funny.
I was about to say the same.
Oh, my! You are charming.
So tell me.
What brings you to Bangkok? Business? Or pleasure? Mmm.
You tell me.
Because pleasure is my business.
- Mmm, what's over here? Ooh.
Ahh-- - Oh-- - Cut! Cut! - Gah! Brick, I told you, keep her top on.
We can't have another nip slip.
We're gonna lose our "G" rating.
I'm not sure Sue's old doll clothes are really meant for bunnies.
And I'm also not sure why we're even doing this.
Have you been living under a rock? Once these guys go viral, we're gonna be fighting off the offers.
Think about it.
If you had the chance to own the sneezing panda, wouldn't you? The skateboarding dog? The monkey that smells his own poo and faints? This is not just sound business.
This is genius.
And, now that I think about it, a possible career path.
While Axl had a lifetime to figure that out, Mike was stuck spending what felt like a lifetime listening to my dad.
I'm telling you, Mike, there's no such thing as a bad baked potato.
Any man that tells you different is a jackass.
Don Rickles is a funny man.
That's all there is to it.
Two words-- glucosamine chondroitin.
Once a month, whether you feel like it or not, just to know it's still workin'.
Mexicans-- sweetest people you'll ever meet.
Always release a test fart if you can.
Real, real, fake, real, fake And that's why I can never return to the Panama Canal.
Oh, hey, Mike, I know this is a lot for you to absorb.
You know, Tag, it really is.
Yeah, well, that's why I-I brought you this book.
Oh, and by the way, can we move, uh, next week up to 11:30? I don't want us to feel rushed.
You crying, Mike? Little bit.
Uhh.
Tell me your plan, Dr.
Bad.
Well, Mr.
Bond, my plan is to tie you to a spaceship that's carrying a nuclear bomb that will drop to Earth and extinguish you and all of humanity! Oh, but there's only one problem with that plan, Dr.
Bad.
And what would that be? Me! - Ha! - Ahh! Ha ha ha ha! Seize him, Mr.
Hoppity! Hi, Mrs.
Heck.
Oh, hello, Carly.
Is Sue here? Sue, it's your friend Carly.
So, Carly, what you been up to? Um nothing much.
Nothing? Huh.
'Cause I thought maybe you were hanging out at Chi Chi's? Oh, yeah, well, some of us went there last week.
- It was fun.
- Was it "so much fun" with three exclamation points and four smiley faces? Uh I guess.
Oh, here's Sue.
Remember her? Hey, Carly! You ready to go to the libes? That is what some of the seniors call the library.
"The libes.
" Did you hear that, Carly? She learned it from the seniors, so, uh, yeah.
So I didn't read the book, but I assume the guy ends up shooting Morrie? Oh, hang on.
Here's something interesting.
Yeah, he was never in the circus, Mike.
He took one clown class during the war.
No.
After this whole section about foot maintenance, your dad writes, "always look a man in the eye and tell him the truth.
" - He feels very strongly about it.
- Hmm.
This is it, Frankie.
I'm gonna use his words to break out of here.
It's like "Shawshank.
" I found my way to the sewer! Hey, mom, guess what.
I was just checking on the response to my status update, and I have this new friend on Facebook, some girl named Jill Munroe.
- Wow.
Really? That's great.
- I know, right? And underneath where I said "we went to the movies," she commented, "OMG.
Sounds super fun.
Could you be more gorg in your profile pic?" Sweet, huh? Anyway, I'll let you guys sleep, but I just wanted to share the latest.
Night! What? I Fine.
So maybe I made up a fake name and friended her.
So what?! It's not illegal.
Jill Munroe? Farrah Fawcett's character from "Charlie's Angels"? Oh, so you can't remember our anniversary, but you got that locked in.
Enough with this, Frankie.
You're prowling around Facebook every night, you're making up pretend friends.
You're getting obsessed.
This is not about me, okay? I'm worried about Sue.
There's this whole cyber fun party going on out there, and I don't want her falling through the cracks.
What are you talking about? She just went out with Carly.
Yeah, to the library.
Sue's fine to go to the library with, but if you want a hot pretzel, Chloe's your gal.
Listen to me.
Nobody on the computer is having as good a time as you think they are.
Trust me on this one, Jill.
I know, I know.
Maybe I am getting a little nuts.
We should have a sleepover! Hmm? Really? Hmm.
Wow! Ye-- okay.
I guess I could invite the wrestlerettes and Carly.
Hmm.
Well, inviting Carly is good, but you do see the wrestlerettes a lot.
What about that mentee you had? The cheerleader? - She was cute.
- Oh, Jenna? Yeah.
And there's that girl that hangs out with Carly at the pretzel place.
You know, blonde, wears a beret, dates a guy named Steve, loves the movie "Mean Girls"? Oh, that's Chloe.
How do you know that stuff? Um, I think you told me once.
- Oh.
- So But, yay, sleepover! So that's why you cut pickles in half.
Got it.
So listen, Tag-- Now, women's lib-- Tag, wait.
Just-- just hold up.
There's one story in your book that really stayed with me.
You mean the one about the bathroom stall in Wichita? No.
No, the one where you had to fire your friend, but you said the best way to do it was just look him in the eye and tell him the truth.
To be fair, the same thing applies to the stall in Wichita.
So I'm just gonna do it, Tag.
I'm looking you right in the eye and I'm just gonna say it.
I can't do this anymore.
I can't do any more "Sundays with Tag" at Stuckey's.
You ruined Stuckey's for me, Tag.
You ruined Stuckey's.
You-- you ruined lunch, you ruined driving, you ruined coffee, you ruined listening, you ruined talking.
It's killing me.
You're killing me.
Wow.
Well, you're really getting it now, Mike.
That's exactly what I'm trying to teach you.
Now on to the boudoir if Frankie is anything like her mother, the bedroom Hi! Hi! Come on in, Jenna, Chloe, Ally.
I feel like I already know you guys.
Carly.
Hey! We are gonna have so much fun! Okay, first-- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Plenty of time for fun.
But first, what do you say we get everyone together for a photo op? Mom, they haven't even taken their coats off yet.
Oh, okay, coats off, and then let's get to that picture.
Wait, Sue, I've never been to your house.
- Can I see your room? - Oh, yes! Aah! Come on! Don't forget to "check in.
" "Check in" to the Heck household.
Be sure to do that.
Okay.
Oh.
Mr.
Bond.
What are you doing here? I narrowly escaped, darling.
And I rushed right over here to help you wash your back.
Ooh.
Ooh.
Ohh.
But why stop there? Oh, cut! What's wrong? This kitten's a lox.
I'm getting nothing from him.
How's he supposed to seduce a rabbit with this look? I don't think a cat is supposed to seduce a rabbit at all.
Well, he's supposed to be smoldering at her, but instead he's just like "Oh, I'm a cat.
" I mean, there's no heat between them.
I don't know what that means.
"Smoldering"? Come on, it's like How you get girls, you know? The look.
No idea what you're saying.
Man.
I just realized I have a lot to teach you before I go off to college.
Okay.
Listen and learn.
Say there's a cute girl standing in front of you.
First, you make eye contact.
Now you wanna squint just a little.
Okay.
Now just tip your head just slightly.
Now imagine you're smelling some really awesome tater tots.
That's it, dude! You nailed it! Did I? I felt I nailed it.
Sue? Sue? - Ouch! - Oh, sorry, Jenna.
Carly, I hardly stepped on you.
I'm just, uh, trying to upload our photos to Facebook and I don't know how.
Mom, we're watching a movie.
Yeah.
I know.
I know.
But I just thought it'd be fun to post the pics now.
- Why? Who cares? - Because that way it'll be done.
Fine.
Just click on the camera icon and then click "Import.
" Got it, got it, got it.
Okay.
- Oh, no.
Oh, no.
- Oh, God.
- No, no, no! - I can't watch! - I'm freaking out! - I can't watch! I can't watch! Aah! Oh, that is so cute! Okay, hold on.
No one move.
I'm gonna get my camera.
Okay, I-I think he went away.
- Okay, I am never going to bed again.
- Oh, my God.
- Can we sleep with the lights on tonight? - Yes.
Yes.
So was that the man? - No, it was the creepy grandpa.
- He's alive? - Yeah.
- Okay Wait.
What happened? Oh, you were all so cute together huddled up next to each other.
Get back to the way you were.
No, mom, we're really good on pictures.
Oh, you can never have enough.
Ally, get back in your sleeping bag.
But I'm sort of hot.
Chloe, weren't you over there next to Sue? Uh, I guess so, but-- Mom, she doesn't want to get up.
- Oh, she doesn't have to get up.
Here you go.
- Oh, I can't see the movie.
- There.
Okay.
- Mom! There you go.
And, Jenna, I think you were over here, - weren't you? - Actually, I'm okay, Mrs.
Heck.
Okay, that's good! Oh, this is gonna be so cute! Just come over here, and we'll just do it like that.
- Mom, stop! - That's great.
Okay, okay.
Everybody get a little closer together.
Okay, perfect.
Here we go.
Come on, Carly, look alive.
Mom, what did you do? Oh, wait.
Oh, but you know what? This is so funny! Okay, everybody do this.
"Ohh! We're so sad we lost the movie! Ohh!" Everybody put your hands on your cheeks, and then-- Sue, you come forward a little bit, 'cause you have to be the saddest 'cause it's your party.
Okay, you ready? "Ohh!" Mom, can I see you for a minute? What are you doing? You're wrecking my sleepover.
Just go away.
Fine.
I'm sorry.
I'm going.
Axl, can I ask you something? When you said you're leaving to go to college, what did you mean by that? That I'll be leaving for college.
But you'll still be living here, right? Mm, no.
Brick, I'm gonna be living at college.
That's kinda how it works.
- What did you think was gonna happen? - I don't know.
I guess I thought it'd just stay like this and then eventually you'd move into mom and dad's room.
I just can't believe you're really leaving.
Bro, don't worry.
I'll be home at Christmas to pick up my presents.
And you can come visit me if you want.
Might even need you to do some of my homework.
I'm really gonna miss you, Axl.
I know, Brick.
Everyone will.
Sounds like Sue and the girls are having fun out there.
What's the point if I can't post any of it on Facebook? Okay.
Repeat that again slowly so I know just what to tell the doctors when I have you committed.
Seriously? You wanna know the point? The point is, they're all having a great time.
But no one will know.
Who cares? They know.
What is going on with you lately, Frankie? I don't know.
It's just that Sue's such an amazing person.
I want everyone to see how amazing she is.
She is the same person she was two weeks ago before you started poking around on her Facebook.
Now you're all caught up in who's looking at her page and who's commenting, and none of it's real.
None of it means anything.
You're letting other people define who Sue is to you.
Maybe I can't handle Facebook.
"Maybe"? Look, Frankie, Sue is gonna be fine.
No, she's gonna be great.
You're right, you're right.
Oh.
If you had a "Like" button, I would click it right now.
Don't know what that means.
So that night, I deleted all my Facebook aliases.
And Sue was sadly unfriended by Jill Munroe, Sabrina Duncan, Julie McCoy, and Chrissy Snow.
But on the upside, she did get 102 likes on one of her pictures-- not that it matters.
And Axl and Brick found homes for the entire cast, but with one rule-- They're brothers, so we'd like to keep them together.
Yep, social media causes a lot of problems, but in the end, it does have its uses.
Hey, it's Sunday.
I thought you'd be with my dad.
Nope.
I found him some new friends to talk to.
I said it to Dukakis when I met him, and I'm gonna say it you-- don't avoid swimming just 'cause you're afraid to put on a bathing suit.
And if you're gonna go to a public pool, for God sake, shower shoes.
Without your feet, you got nothing.
Your feet are the hands of your legs.
- You also got to - I like this, Frankie.
I like it a lot.
Wait an hour after you eat before you go in swimming.
But I say if it's not the internet, it's the real thing.