Big Bang Theory s04e22 Episode Script

AMY: I must say, Penny, this is great fun.
PENNY: Glad you're enjoying yourself.
AMY: Until I met you, my trips to the bathroom had been entirely focused on elimination.
Now they have a delightful social aspect.
Amy, you must've been in the bathroom with other women before.
[TOILET FLUSHES.]
AMY: Of course I have.
They were strangers and seemed off-put when I engaged in friendly stall-to-stall chitchat.
Some women don't like to get chummy when their panties are down.
You okay in there, bestie? PENNY: I'm fine.
The reason I ask: Many people experience bladder shyness the inability to pass uri PENNY: Yeah, I said I'm fine.
Stop talking to me.
She always this crabby when she urinates? We're really not that close.
Screw it.
I'll go later.
And I'll be right by your side.
Did I tell you Priya invited me and Howard to have dinner with her and Leonard? - Oh, that's nice.
No, it's not.
It's a strategic maneuver.
Leonard's new girlfriend is testing Bernadette's loyalty to you and the group.
That bitch is crafty.
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYS ON SPEAKERS.]
- You think? - Of course.
How does the cheetah attack a herd of wildebeests? By going after its weakest member.
Well, what makes me the weakest member? Your trusting nature coupled with your teeny-tiny body.
You wouldn't last a minute on the Serengeti.
Okay, Amy, you're being silly.
I'm not concerned about who hangs out with who.
I don't have a problem with Leonard's girlfriend who wears too much makeup.
[GASPS.]
Oh, these are cute.
Of course, if I buy them l'll have to rent my womb out to a gay couple.
I'm gonna tell her we can't make it.
Oh, no.
You have to go.
We're gonna use that to our advantage.
What are you talking about? By accepting the invitation Bernadette becomes a double agent in the enemy camp.
Ferret out Priya's tactics, identify her weaknesses and feed her false information such as: Leonard's no stranger to back-alley cockfights.
I don't know.
I'm not a very good liar.
They kind of whup that out of you in Catholic school.
Don't worry.
I'll teach you.
I did two years of Cub Scouts before they found out I was a girl.
Okay, I don't know you people.
I'm just an innocent woman wondering if this shoe store will take my Texaco card.
How about concealing a recording device in the cleavage of your ample bosom? I don't want anything in my ample bosom.
Come on, Strawberries.
Take one for the team.
- Okay, see you later.
- Good news.
I finally have a handle on my idea for three-person chess.
That is good news.
Bye.
Do you know how I solved the balanced center combat-area problem? Five words: Transitional quadrilateral to triangular tessellation.
That That's brilliant.
It's what I do.
But wait, there's more.
I also invented two new chess pieces.
The serpent and the old woman.
Okay, now I have to ask.
What do they do? When the serpent slithers to an opposing player's piece that piece is considered poisoned and will die after two more moves.
All right.
Unless it gets to the old woman in time in which case she sucks out the poison turning her into the grand empress.
A piece combining the power of the knight, queen and serpent.
- Elegant.
- That's because it's simple.
I look forward to playing with you.
- And? - And what? And a third person.
It's three-person chess.
I must say, ever since you started having regular intercourse your mind has lost its keen edge.
You should reflect on that.
Excuse me, but Einstein had a pretty busy sex life.
Yes, and he never unified gravity with the other forces.
If he hadn't been such a hound dog, we'd all have time machines.
Got it.
Bye.
You know I'm right.
I think he's getting worse.
Oh, my metatarsals are barking.
- You okay? - Yeah, yeah.
I'm just breaking in some new shoes.
- Very pretty.
- Thank you.
Did you know women wear high heels to make the buttocks and breasts prominent? - Hadn't really thought about it.
- Look.
Uh, sure.
Very, uh, prominent.
Please, Leonard, don't leer, you have a girlfriend.
Sorry.
Off to dinner with Priya, Howard and Bernadette? - Yeah.
How did you know? - Heard it at the mall with my girlfriends because, you know, that's kind of my life now.
Have a good night.
Try not to ogle my caboose as I walk away.
- Hey, you.
- Hi.
Hey, Raj.
Will you be joining us for dinner? The lonely guy and the two happy couples? I'd rather get a prostate exam from a leper who walks away with nine fingers.
Oh, would you please stop feeling sorry for yourself? I have to feel sorry for myself.
I'm the only one who cares.
Just like I'm the only one who'll have sex with me.
Really? In front of your sister? We shared a room growing up.
This is not news to me.
Excuse me.
I'm gonna go wander the streets alone.
Invisible, unwanted and unloved a pathetic shadow in a city with no heart.
I forgot my windbreaker.
It's chilly.
I don't understand.
Is this a way to break in new shoes? No.
Once these puppies touch the ground, they're mine and I'll have to wear them walking up and down Hollywood Boulevard in order to pay them off.
[PHONE CHIMES.]
Pretty, pretty, pretty.
Good news: The wildebeest is in the curry.
The what? Bernadette is with Priya and Leonard.
Message received.
Commence operation "Priya, Wouldn't Wanna Be You.
" Hey.
Seriously? Didn't you get enough of this cliquey crap in high school? I wish.
A clique requires friends.
I didn't have any.
None? I used to take my lunch to the maintenance room and eat with the janitor.
It was nice until his wife called me a puta and made me stop.
[PHONE CHIMES.]
Hang on.
It's the wildebeest.
Priya just made a snide comment about your acting career.
What the hell did she say? She thinks it's cool you're following your dream no matter what.
That bitch! How do you wanna handle it? Um, okay.
Tell Bernadette to tell Priya that I'm on my way to Prague to shoot a movie with Angelina Jolie.
Got it.
Is it gonna be in 3-D? What? I don't know.
It doesn't matter.
I'm gonna say 3-D.
That'll let her know the studio has faith in it.
You're kidding.
3-D? That's what I hear.
Then the studio must have real faith in it.
Wonder why she didn't tell me.
You been spending time with your ex-girlfriend? No.
Then why are you surprised she didn't tell you? Well, it's not as much surprised as uh, you know, uh, the other thing.
What other thing? Well, if you [STAMMERING.]
I don't Oh, what's the word I'm looking for? I'm not gonna help you.
This is hilarious.
Heh.
She's also dating an astronaut.
Wow, that's very impressive.
Yeah.
But Leonard's impressive too.
Thank you.
"Befuddled.
" The word I was looking for was "befuddled.
" Knight to old woman six-and-a-third.
Brilliant move.
Thank you.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
Will the two of you excuse me? I need a hug.
Sorry, I have company.
Come on, Sheldon, open the door.
I don't want to hug you.
I don't want to hug you either.
I was just feeling blue.
Blue, as in depressed.
Well, not so much depressed as lonely.
I don't know what color lonely is.
- What? - Red is angry yellow is frightened green is jealous and blue is depressed.
Perhaps we can assign a color to lonely.
Nothing rhymes with orange.
It's probably lonely.
All right.
Come in.
You look positively orange with loneliness.
No, I don't see that catching on at all.
What are you doing? Working on my three-person chess game.
Oh, cool.
Can I play? It's three-person chess.
- Did you bring a friend? - No.
Then as a mental exercise, I invite you to figure out why the two of us can't play three-person chess.
Can you believe this guy? Social protocol does, however require me to bring you a hot beverage in time of need.
- No, thank you.
I'm fine.
- No, it's not optional.
We're out of tea.
I hope you like bouillon.
I guess you're probably wondering what's got me down.
Actually, I was wondering if I could add a third new chess piece.
How do you think people would feel about Prince Joey the king's feeble-minded but well-meaning cousin? I'm gonna be 30 years old and I have no one in my life to love me.
I can't even talk to a woman without having alcohol in my body.
The fun thing about Prince Joey is every time he moves there's a 1-in-5 chance he'll kill himself.
Sheldon, listen to me.
I have a big decision to make, and I'm scared.
Yellow.
Go ahead.
A friend gave me these new pills they're testing.
He says it's the next big thing for social anxiety disorder.
Fascinating.
What's in it? I'm not sure.
Some sort of beta-blocker attached to a molecule extracted from the urine of cows.
I like cows.
That's not the point.
It was its own point.
Go on.
I'm a scientist.
My ability to think is my bread and butter.
I'm afraid if I take this, I might lose that special unique something that makes me so successful in my field.
Rajesh, I've had the privilege of working alongside you for many years.
My recommendation is that you gobble these up like Tic Tacs.
Okay, I'm still trying to work this out.
How did Penny meet an astronaut? I don't know.
The regular way people meet astronauts.
- Most of those guys live in Texas.
- Obviously, this one doesn't.
Okay.
Leonard lives here.
Priya's from India.
People meet, Howard.
God! - Fine.
- You've met lots of astronauts and I've never grilled you about that.
I'd thank you to extend me the same courtesy.
I'm not grilling you, I was just curious.
I can't get over the fact that she got a big movie part.
Not that I care what my ex-girlfriend's up to because I don't.
Maybe that's where she met the astronaut, all right? I'm sorry.
What would an astronaut be doing working on a movie? He's a consultant.
I thought the movie was about He can't have a hobby? [BREATHING HEAVILY.]
Excuse me, I have to pee.
Or is that implausible as well? It's nice to have another couple to hang with, isn't it? [SIGHS.]
All right, guys, you have to go back.
I can't afford you.
[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE.]
"No, don't send us away.
We love you.
" [IN NORMAL VOICE.]
I love you too, but you cost more than my rent.
[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE.]
"But, Penny, you look so good in us.
" [IN NORMAL VOICE.]
Damn it, the shoes are right.
Good golly, Penny, your whimsy is boundless.
[PHONE RINGS.]
What do you got for me, wildebeest? I think they're onto me.
The story's starting to fall apart.
Calm down.
Everything's gonna be okay.
We may have to kill her.
Bernadette, I'm putting you on speakerphone.
- Where are you now? - In the bathroom.
Oh, look at this, another one of our classic bathroom gabfests.
What's the problem? They're asking me all sorts of questions I can't answer.
Just change the subject.
I could get them back to talking about Leonard going to India to meet Priya's parents.
What? They said something about going there this summer.
- What, are they getting engaged? - I don't know.
I was too busy covering my heinie on Amy's stupid astronaut story.
What astronaut story? You texted me, "Penny's dating an astronaut.
" I texted "architect.
" That's amusing.
Autocorrect must've changed it.
Yeah, it's hysterical.
Look, just forget about the astronaut.
Architect.
Where would you have met an astronaut? Just find out what's up with this trip to India.
- I don't wanna do this anymore.
- Don't you quit on us.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
HOWARD: Bernie, you okay? It was an architect! Thanks for coming, Sheldon.
You're a good friend.
I'm glad you think so.
That's what I strive to emulate.
Okay, let's see if this drug works.
Can I help you? Forgive me for staring, but you're very beautiful.
Thank you.
That's a great accent.
Where are you from? - India.
- Oh, cool.
I've always wanted to go there.
It's a beautiful country.
You'd love it.
May I join you? Uh, okay, sure.
Why not? My name is Dr.
Rajesh Koothrappali.
- This is my friend, Dr.
Sheldon Cooper.
- Hi.
There's no need to interact with me.
I'm just here to observe.
What's he observing? We're scientists.
We observe everything.
Here, go buy yourself a scone.
All right.
- And what is your name? - Angela.
Oh, derived from the word "angel.
" Appropriate.
Ha.
You're cute.
I'd like to buy a scone.
Oh, I'm sorry, we're out.
We have muffins.
They sound delicious but this money is earmarked for scones.
ANGELA: What are you doing? - Oh, just getting comfortable.
So how long have you lived in Los Angeles? - L - They were out of scones.
I'm talking to someone.
You're being rude.
I'll bet you're an actress.
If not, you should be.
You have a very expressive face.
Oh, my God! Wait, where are you going? We were doing so well.
She never even got to see my penis.
Ta-da! Who wants some more coffee? - Thanks, yeah.
- Sure.
Let me help you.
Nice to see that the gals are getting along.
"Gals"? Who are you, Fred Flintstone? - This trip to India sounds fun.
- Yeah, I think it will be.
Are you concerned your parents might not approve of Leonard? A little.
They're very old-fashioned.
Well, I wouldn't worry about it.
It's not like you guys are getting engaged, right? Oh, my God, no.
We're not there yet.
Not engaged.
Very interesting.
I have to tinkle.
You've been in there a lot.
You okay? Yes.
Are you writing a book? Why are you getting upset? I'm not upset.
Maybe you're upset.
What's up with you? Bernadette? I can't do this anymore! I'm a good girl.
I went to Catholic school.
Okay, well, it's getting late.
This was terrific.
You win.
Ha, ha.
Bernie? I think the word you're looking for is "befuddled.
" My catapult flings my bishop to Howard's queen's gorilla two.
Nice.
Okay, rook to transporter pad.
And he comes out at Leonard's queen's bishop five-and-a-third.
Check on Leonard.
Hang on.
When is my pawn allowed to use the golf cart? When it's done charging.
Or you land on the time machine.
Obviously.
Oh, oh Beekeeper to king 12.
I capture your pope and release the swarm.
Checkmate on Sheldon.
I knew I should've given my pope the jet pack.
Hey, I've got winners.