Home Improvement s04e22 Episode Script

(Tim) You notice we tighten our lugs in a star-shaped pattern.
We? I seem to be doing all the work, Tim.
That's because I'm the star, you're the lug, that's the pattern.
All right, once we're finished here, we put on the center cap, lower the jack, and hit the road.
Hence the term, "Hit the road, Jack.
" How long does it take you to change that? About eight minutes? Actually, four, but I'm very fast.
I've been changing tires all my life.
Really? Your whole life? Yes, my whole life.
As a matter of fact, I started out with my little red wagon.
Then I had the tricycle.
Right, right.
Then Big Blue, my first two-wheeler.
You keep these tire stories going, I'm gonna have to retire.
Believe it or not, folks, there's actually people in this world that can change a tire faster than old Al here.
I know you're thinking, "Oh, mon dieu!" I'd like to introduce the Indy car pit crew from Walker Racing.
Ladies and gentlemen, a big hand for 'em! Ready? Hit it! Hey! (applause) The pit crew from Walker Racing.
And now let's meet the people that make it work: the team owner, Derrick Walker, and his lead driver Robbie Gordon.
Pleasure to meet you, Tim.
Nice to have you guys here.
Uh, you must What'd that take? Actually, 14.
1.
But who's counting, anyway? Sounds like you are.
I've seen you racing this thing around the Michigan 500.
Boy, keeping it off those walls.
How do you stay focused all that time? I just remember a little saying: "Avoid distraction or end up in traction.
" That'd be a good motto for you, Tim.
Yeah.
Well, I have a little motto for you, Al: "When I'm annoyed, you're unemployed.
" I'm actually pretty good at changing a tire myself, you know.
Do you want to try it on our Indy car, Tim? I don't wanna show up the guys here.
I'm sure they're quaking in their boots.
Yeah, Tim.
Give it a try.
(audience whoops and cheers) All right, Al, you'll time me? Do you want me to use a stopwatch or a calendar? I wonder if I know how this works.
(wrench starts up) Ready? Are you? Yes.
Go.
Yeah, like butter.
(applause) Not bad.
38 seconds.
In that amount of time, we could have changed I love that movie.
I wasn't going for speed.
I was going for quality.
'Cause in racing, you don't want a loose tire to be a weak link.
Or, in this case, the missing link.
Hi! Anybody home? (Tim) I'm out here.
Come out here.
I wanna tell you something.
All right.
Hey, Mom.
There's this really awesome party at Courtney's house on Saturday night.
Can we go? Are Courtney's awesome parents gonna be there? Parents? Yeah.
Those tall, responsible people.
Well, her parents won't be home, but Courtney's and, you know, he's tall.
And he's also very responsible.
He shows up to detention on time every single day.
Sorry, guys.
No parents, no party.
(both) Aw, man.
OK, I'm here.
Not that you care, now that you have your new hot rod to play with.
Are you jealous of this car already? No.
I'm happy to see you lust after something older and uglier than I am.
I've been spending a lot of time out here lately, haven't I? Tell you what.
Saturday night, a night out.
Intimate night.
You and me.
Dining.
Dancing.
And hockey.
As, um, romantic as hockey is I think that you've forgotten that we already have plans to go to the theater with Al and Ilene Saturday night.
We do? We've had these tickets for months.
Can't we sell your tickets? Well, first of all, I don't want to, and second of all, hockey tickets are a lot easier to get rid of than theater tickets.
Doesn't that tell you something? Augie, I can't believe you don't want to buy these tickets.
You'd pass up a hockey game like this to go to your uncle's funeral? Yeah.
He's not gonna know you're not there.
What about your aunt? Does she like hockey? Augie? Augie? So I'm guessing no luck.
No luck.
Everybody's got a lot of good reasons not to go.
A wedding, a funeral.
Open heart surgery.
Guess you're just gonna have to forget about these hockey tickets, huh? Wait a minute.
You know, Joe Louis Arena is only five minutes from this little theater.
You and Ilene can just drop Al and me off, we'll wait out front, sell the tickets, and meet you there.
Oh, forget it! The minute you get near there, you're just gonna go to the game.
I promise.
I'll be back in the seat next to you fast asleep before the curtain goes up.
That's all I ask.
(doorbell) Oh, that's Wilson.
Hi, Wilson.
Well, hi-ho, theatergoers.
Ready for an evening of thespian watching? (Jill) Yeah.
There's thespians in this play? Hey, maybe it won't be that bad after all.
Tim, a thespian is an actor.
Aw, that was my last hope.
Wilson, thanks for watching the kids.
Help yourself to something to drink.
And there's pizza on the way.
Great.
I brought these over for the boys for an after-dinner treat.
This is the Colombian equivalent of popcorn.
May I? Mm-hmm.
Crunchy little It's good.
What is it? It's roasted ants.
Needs butter.
So where are the Taylor lads? Well, Mark is upstairs, and Brad and Randy are moping because they're missing the unsupervised party of the year.
And I'm moping 'cause I gotta go to a play called Waiting For Godot.
Well, Tim, Waiting For Godot is a wonderful absurdist drama about two men awaiting their spiritual awakening by the side of the road.
By the road.
Do they see any cool cars go by? I'm afraid not, Tim.
Even Godot doesn't show up.
Oh, sorry! I hope I didn't spoil the evening for you.
Jill already did that by buying the tickets.
Tickets? Tickets, I got $60 tickets.
Great seats, great seats.
I got some great seats here.
$60 tickets.
Oh, great.
These are only $40 tickets.
Yeah, but I paid 60 for 'em.
You don't want me losin' money, do you? What do I care? Tim, would you please just lower the price? The play starts in 15 minutes.
Just relax, Al.
The big spenders'll show up any minute.
Hey, mister, how much are these tickets? These are $60 seats.
The best seats in the house, behind the bench.
I'll give you ten for both.
How about I give you 20 to get out of here? Let's just go.
You don't want to miss the beginning of Waiting For Godot.
It's a very intricate play.
I played Pozzo in high school.
Really? Junior or senior varsity? Pozzo is a character in the play.
And if I do say so myself, I was the definitive Pozzo.
I made him come alive.
Yeah, right, Al.
You can barely make yourself come alive.
I'm leaving.
Wait, wait, wait, Al.
We'll do better if we split up.
I'll stay here with this, you go over and try to sell one by the guy selling those big fingers.
I got a ticket here! I'm going to a play where no one shows up! How much? Sounds good.
You got another one? Sure I do.
Al! I got a guy over here.
Come on, come on.
Perfect.
Great! We can still make it to Waiting For Godot on time.
Waiting For Godot? I was in that play in high school.
So was I.
I played Vladimir.
I was Pozzo.
"It's a scandal.
" "Are you alluding to anything in particular?" "To treat a man like that.
I think that "No! A human being! No, it's a scandal!" "You are severe!" I am bored, and I am wet.
I'd like to see the money.
Uh, yeah.
There you go.
You're gonna have a lot more fun tonight than we are.
Oh, no, no.
That could be.
No, wait.
I got one more thing I gotta show you.
We gotta go, buddy.
We're late.
Come here, come here.
Oh, you have a badge? Did you also play Officer Krupke in West Side Story? No, this is Officer Keegan.
Precinct 29, Detroit Police Department.
That's right.
You're both under arrest for scalping tickets.
What? Yeah.
Come on, let's go.
I can't believe this! I open up to you by showing you my Pozzo, and you're taking us to jail? Well, first of all, you're not a very good Pozzo.
Besides that, scalping is against the law.
So come on, let's go.
This is all your fault, Tim.
Well, I probably could have talked him out of it, if you hadn't pulled your Pozzo out in the parking lot.
(actor) "It's a scandal!" "Are you alluding to anything in particular?" "To treat a man like that.
I think that" "No! A human being!" "No, it's a scandal!" "You are severe!" You might as well stop turning around.
They're not coming, they went to the hockey game.
No.
Al will be here, he loves this play.
In high school, he played the definitive Pozzo.
Well, now he's at the hockey game with the definitive bozo.
I can't understand Al doing something like this.
How could he stoop to Tim's level? Sorry.
Ah, it's OK.
Sometimes I wonder how Tim can stoop to Tim's level.
Shh! (man snores) I don't know why I'm surprised.
I mean, I knew that the minute I told him we were going to the theater, he'd find a way out of it.
I can't believe Al would go with him.
I know.
He's always loved the theater.
He cried when we went to see A Streetcar Named Desire.
Well, Tim cried, but that was because there was no streetcar.
Would you please be quiet? Oh, please yourself.
At least your husband showed up.
Mine went to a hockey game.
How come her husband got to go to the hockey game? See what you started? Now I've just missed part of the play.
Oh, come on.
There's only five people in the whole world who understand this play.
I doubt that you're one of 'em.
(actor) Excuse me, we're trying to do a play here! Sorry, Pozzo.
Tim! Oh, did you get through to them? What did they say? Did you explain what happened? Did you get through to the theater? Thank you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
The line was busy.
You know, what they should have is "call waiting for Godot.
" I'll call again later, all right? Well, what are we gonna do? I can't spend the night in this sardine can! Just relax.
I'll call again later.
Someone's bound to pick up over there.
I can't do this.
Where are you supposed to go to the bathroom? Oh, my God.
That's the bathroom? Where are the doors? They're invisible.
Just like the Jacuzzi and the decorative soaps.
Oh, man.
We have to come up with the bail money now.
Well, um Talent show.
Huh? Yeah.
Charge admission.
You do your famous Pozzo for these guys.
It was such a hit with the cop in the parking lot.
Now, don't you start criticizing my Pozzo.
You know, the reviewer for the high school paper said I made him tingle.
Ah Ah Oh What are you doing? It sounds like you're going into labor.
I can't breathe in here.
The criminals are taking up all the oxygen.
I can't believe you got me into this.
My reputation is tarnished.
I'm gonna be ostracized at bingo.
Oh, yes! The senior citizens will not want to sit next to an ex-con.
You're probably right.
"Margaret, I got bingo.
"But we ought to get outta here.
Look, next to us, it's Baby Face Borland!" Just relax.
No one's gonna know you're here.
It's a holding cell in Detroit.
Who's gonna see you here? Hey, aren't you those guys from that TV tool show? Yes, I'm Bob Vila, this is Norm.
We're back together again.
No.
You're Tim and Al! I used to watch you guys at Jackson State Prison.
You got a lot of fans up there.
Hey! Hey, that's great! Lot of fans up there.
We got the 18 to life demographic.
Hey, great! Ha ha ha! Whoo! So (deep voice) So, why are you in here? Well, I gave somebody a tattoo.
That doesn't sound so bad.
Well, he didn't want one.
Ah.
I'll just let you two get acquainted.
Uh, Tim Al! Boy, you know, I really love that What is that called, a babushka? Thank you for helping me with my school project, Wilson.
It's my pleasure, Mark.
You know, I've always been fascinated with papier-mâché.
You know, the name is French, but actually it was invented by the Chinese.
How do you know all this stuff? Mark, I have a tremendous amount of spare time.
You know, if you boys are sneaking over to your party, I'd take a coat.
It's awfully chilly out.
How'd you know we were sneaking out? Well, Randy, I've long been a student of the eastern philosophy of the Sufis, and their teachings have enabled me to obtain a heightened awareness.
Plus, I saw you out of the corner of my eye.
Could you just pretend you didn't see us? I'm afraid not.
Your mother gave me very strict instructions.
And five bucks an hour.
Man, why couldn't Mom just let us go to the party? I mean, she's totally screwing up our lives.
Well, you boys have to realize that parents make rules to protect you, not to keep you from having a funky good time.
I think they do it just to torture us.
No, no, no, Randy.
They do it for a very good reason.
They want to instill a sense of discipline and responsibility in you so you can be a fine, upstanding citizen like they are.
(phone rings) I got it.
Hello? Yeah, one sec.
It's Mr.
Upstanding Citizen.
He's in the slammer.
(performance continues) I can't believe they went to the game.
I just can't enjoy the play without Al here.
I bet Tim's enjoying the game without me there.
He won't have such a good time when I'm through with him.
Excuse me, Ms.
Taylor? You're gonna have to go to jail.
What? For talking? Is this a new theater policy? No, a man named Wilson called.
He said your husband and a Mr.
Borland have been arrested.
Oh, my God! Al's in prison? What did they do? I'll tell you in the lobby.
We don't want to upset Pozzo again.
Come on, you guys.
Dinner's hot.
(Mark) What did you get? Everybody's favorite - Polish food.
Oh All right, I love Polish food.
I went down to Hamtramick Stan's.
You were supposed to get pizza.
Anybody can get pizza.
You didn't.
That's 'cause on the way to get the pizza, I heard the call for kielbasa.
You know, the last time you ate Polish food, you were up half the night.
And in the bathroom the other half.
That's because I made a pig out of myself.
This time, I didn't order so much.
These things look great.
Oh these are great.
Brad, you oughta try the duck blood soup.
It's all right, Dad.
For lunch, I had a chicken gut sandwich.
I hope you're not gonna stuff yourself again.
Once you get started on golabkis, it's hard to put the brakes on.
It's not the brakes I'm worried about, it's your full tank of gas.