Roseanne s04e22 Episode Script

Man, look at her go.
Is that baby going to be a porker or what? At least when her mouth's stuffed with food, She ain't barking at me.
Roseanne, where's my pie? Pregnant women have such a glow about them, don't they? It's just hormones, Roseanne.
No, it's way beyond hormones.
She's psycho.
She threw such a fit at lamaze class, We got detention.
Roseanne! Coming, Crystal, and so is your pie.
Would you like some whipped cream on that? What does that mean, I'm eating too much? Come on, Roseanne, you know what it's like eating for two.
You do it all the time.
O.
k.
No whipped cream.
Way to hold back, Roseanne.
I hope that baby has a gigantic head.
Well, I got good news.
I got a promotion.
So in three weeks, I'm afraid to say I Will no longer be your boss.
Go ahead.
Get it over with.
Dynamite! All right! Yeah, I knew you'd be happy for me.
What'd they make you? I am director of human resources.
Wow.
Congratulations.
So, what is that exactly? I have no idea, But I'm sure there's some literature in the desk.
So, who's going to manage the restaurant? My guess would be A director of human resources wannabe.
Well, Leon, let me be the first to say that, That although we haven't always seen eye to eye, You have always been fair, Ahem.
What? [Telephone rings.]
D.
J.
, get the phone.
If it's Dean, say I'm not home.
You're closer.
Get it! Give me $1.
00.
A quarter.
A quarter? And I won't pound you.
Now go.
All right.
[Ring.]
Yeah? Hi, Dean.
No.
Becky said to tell you she's not here right now.
That's what you get for a quarter.
You're dead, you little rodent! Hi, Dean.
No, he didn't understand, Dean.
He's kind of slow.
Saturday? Jeez, I'm going out with my friend Dana, Who, by the way, told me she thinks you're really cute.
Yeah.
No.
Call her.
I wouldn't mind.
Great.
O.
k.
, bye.
Look, Dana will be calling.
Tell her I'm not home.
Got it.
So, how was your trip? in three days.
First time I ever hauled livestock.
Stunk like hell, But it's nice to have somebody to talk to.
Looks like you're still avoiding Dean.
Yeah.
He seems like a nice enough guy.
Well, maybe I'm shallow, But he gets these pit stains you wouldn't believe.
Been there.
Have you seen Mark at all? Once.
We ended up yelling at each other.
It'll get better.
I don't know.
I'm lonely, I'm sad, Like I'll never meet another guy I really care about.
It's got to be the worst time in my entire life.
No, Becky.
No, no, the worst time in your entire life Will be when you're all those things And you smell like beef.
Could you keep your paws of me for one minute? I was holding your hand.
Well, I'm sick of it, so back off, o.
k.
? Oh, god.
I Miss having a boyfriend.
We walk to school together every single day, You're outside all of my classes, You put your arm around me You're my girlfriend.
I liked it better before when you were david And I was Darlene.
Now we're this david-Darlene creature, Like we were fused together in some nuclear accident.
So I won't put my arm around you.
That's not what I mean.
We don't need to be together every single moment.
O.
k.
I'm going upstairs to read.
I'm doing that alone.
Can you handle it? Fine.
You can stay up there all day.
I'm not following you.
If you want me, you know where to find me.
You must be happy Leon's leaving.
Well, I don't know.
I'm mean to him all the time then feel guilty.
Now that he's leaving, At least I can stop punishing myself.
Well, thanks for waiting.
Well, you left to go to Crystal's for 10 minutes Over an hour ago.
She's driving me crazy.
What was it this time? The thermostat.
You just replaced that thermostat.
Apparently, the house is still either Too hot or too cold.
Because she's pregnant and keeps on having Hot and cold flashes.
I Suggested that, but she said no.
Then she kicked me.
You're kidding.
Then she started crying, And I couldn't kick her back.
Well, when's grandpa coming home? Three days, at which time, she's his problem again.
This gravy's cold.
Give it to me.
I'll nuke it.
Where's Darlene? Oh, well Her and david had a little tiff, So she's up in her room.
What's he doing here? Well, I already invited him, And when she said it was either her or him, I Flipped a coin until he won.
Here you go, david.
Oh, thanks.
This is an incredible dinner.
Everything is really great.
Then come back tomorrow.
We're having it again.
You know what I was thinking? Have they replaced Leon yet? No.
They're still looking.
Why don't you try for that manager job? I couldn't get it.
Why not? You help manage the shop.
You run the house.
Ask Leon for a reference.
That could never happen, Dan.
I've have to suck up at the speed of light.
[Telephone rings.]
I'm not getting it anymore.
That's Crystal.
I've talked to her I'm not home.
If it's Crystal, I'll talk to Crystal.
If it's Dean or Dana, you're not home.
Hello? Yeah.
Yeah, just a second.
David, it's your mom.
Tell her I'm in the shower.
Good morning, Leon.
Roseanne, what are you doing? We were slow, so I brought flowers To cheer the place up.
Really? Yeah.
You sound surprised.
Well, forgive me, but usually when there's nothing to do, That's what you do.
Well, I've decided not to do that anymore.
It's sets a bad example for the staff.
I see.
That's good.
Yeah.
And I made the cook wash his hands.
Well, I am impressed, Roseanne.
Morning.
Morning, Bonnie.
Say, uh, this sudden spurt of efficiency, It wouldn't have anything to do With my old job being up for grabs, would it? Why not? I could do it, Although Not nearly as good as you.
Ooh, that last part had to hurt, huh? Leon, could you give me a reference, please? Sure.
I'm out of here.
Let the whole place burn down.
Thanks.
Wait.
You're not giving her The same reference you gave me.
You applied for that job Without telling me about it? Wait a minute, o.
k.
? Leon, I put in twice as many hours as her, And you know I work harder.
Hey! Come on, Leon.
I'm sorry, but it's not right That I get in the middle of this, Since I don't care.
Why are you trying to sink me with Leon? I'm not.
Look, Roseanne, I could really use this job.
I just want the people upstairs to know There's a difference between you and I.
What difference? There's no difference.
Roseanne, I'm here full-time, You're here part-time, You take breaks anytime you want, You're always late, And you're mean to the customers.
I am not mean! I'm crusty.
Well, I take this job very seriously.
You know, gruff, but lovable.
I Work hard, and I think I'll be a great manager.
Oh, and I wouldn't? No.
I think you'd end up getting a raise, And I'd cover for you like always.
Why haven't you said anything before? You never wanted to be my boss before.
Right, but now you're going to be my boss, And because I'm a lousy waitress, I Suppose you'll fire me.
I would not.
Oh, and you call yourself management material.
Hey.
Hey.
O.
k.
I Closed the shop down I'm here.
What's the big emergency? The dryer's not working.
Is it really not working, Or she thinks it's not? No, this one's real.
You check the circuit box? She wouldn't let me.
She says whoever touches it will get electrocuted.
So she called me.
Yup.
Where is she? Putting little Ed down for his nap.
Maybe I can handle this before she comes back.
Take me with you.
Come on, now, Lonnie.
One more month, And you'll have your real mother back.
[Dryer spins.]
God, I'm good.
Lonnie, did you do your book report? Yes.
Don't take that tone with me.
O.
k.
I'll do it again.
Did you fix my dryer? Yes, I did.
What took you so long? Little ed's taking his nap without his favorite shirt.
And you're certainly welcome.
Got to go.
Fine.
Go.
Just like your father.
Never around when I need help.
That's not fair, Crystal.
I did close the shop To come here and throw a switch.
I've done other things just to help out.
I think I deserve better.
Well, like what? What should I do, pay you? No.
Maybe I should, since I've been a nuisance.
I'll write you a check.
Crystal, I really don't appreciate this.
Will $50 make it easier to help a family member? O.
k.
That's it.
I know you're pregnant and everything, But you're way out of line here.
I've been taking lots of crap-- Whoa! I think I'm in labor.
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean it.
You didn't do it, Dan.
I've been having contractions all morning.
I thought it was false labor, But this is it.
It's a month early, Crystal.
You want me to hold it in, Dan? Lonnie, showtime! I've got a bag packed in the closet.
Lonnie, your mom's ready.
Call Becky.
She'll bring you and little Ed Over to the hospital.
Have her call Mrs.
.
Conner at the mall.
You o.
k.
, mom? Yes.
Take care of your brother, And I promise this is the last one.
This better be a girl.
If it's a boy, you'll love it just as much.
The hell I will! What do we do now? Cleansing breath.
O.
k.
Doing good.
You, too.
How's it going? About four minutes apart.
O.
k.
Here's some ice chips.
Baby seems fine.
A little early, but in good shape.
My first child was early.
Actually, so was my second.
I Probably should've mentioned that to someone.
Oh, it's o.
k.
We can handle it.
Dan, Dan There's a video camera in my overnight bag.
Ed wanted pictures of the birth.
If he doesn't get here, could you do it? He'll be here.
But if he's not.
Roseanne will be here.
But if she's not.
I don't want to look, and you can't make me.
Dad, I called home and there was no answer.
I called the restaurant.
Mom already left.
Bonnie's tracking her down.
What about your grandfather? We left messages at the branch office in seattle.
Say, Darlene, would you like to see a miracle Through a camera? Gross.
[Groans.]
Uh-oh.
Breathe! You breathe, Dan.
Come on.
Let's go.
I don't have to listen to you.
It'll hurt less if you breathe.
Dan, I hate your father.
He did this to me, and should be here! He's the scum of the earth! You're right.
He shouldn't miss this.
Hold on.
O.
k.
Take it from "scum of the earth.
" [Telephone rings.]
[Ring.]
Hello? Hi, Bonnie.
Are you calling to apologize? No? Well You're being very immature about this.
You don't understand, Jackie.
She insulted me.
She hurt me.
I'm the one that's right, And when you're right, You can be as immature as you want to be.
[Off the hook tone.]
This isn't driving you crazy.
No.
I like it.
Well, I can't take it anymore.
Get away from there.
No! What if it's one of your kids that's calling? Then I really don't want to get it.
Ow! You pinched me! There! There! I know.
Next time, I'll break your thumb.
Hey.
Hi.
Cool fight.
What are you doing here, david? I'm looking for Darlene.
She's not home yet.
O.
k.
What's for dinner? Sit down, david.
Let's talk.
All right.
You don't live here.
I know.
I Hang around too much.
Am I, like, driving everybody crazy? Well, actually, everybody thinks you're pretty cool, Except for your girlfriend.
It's that space thing, isn't it? You are really crowding her, david.
You better back off.
Give her time to think.
But what if while I'm giving her all this space, Another guy moves in, And she likes him better? It's good that you find that out now.
If she's that kind of girl, Then she's not good enough for you.
Hey, did you see the way I switched sides there? [Telephone rings.]
Hello? Yeah, hi, Bonnie.
I'm not talking to her.
Grow up.
What's going on? Yeah? Oh, my god.
No.
Yeah, I will.
I'll tell her.
O.
k.
, thanks for calling.
Bye.
What did she say? Well, Crystal just had a baby girl, And we missed it because you're an idiot! She called me an idiot? Hey.
Hey, Dan.
Kids want to come in and say hi.
In a minute, o.
k.
? My little sister's in the nursery now.
Is she o.
k.
? She's in an incubator to keep her warm, But she's great.
You think she's pretty? She's beautiful You know, if you like bald chicks.
Dan, thanks for hanging in there, And for doing all that stuff around my house, And for just putting up with me.
I'm family, Crystal.
I was happy to do it.
But watching you push the baby out, For that, I got to charge you.
Oh Hi.
Oh, hey! Oh, Crystal, I'm so sorry.
What happened to you? Oh, never mind.
It's a really long story, And I come off bad in it.
So, how are you doing? Oh, I'm tired, and I'm happy.
Since we couldn't get a hold of you, Dan was the birth coach, and he was great.
I couldn't have done it without you.
You got your little baby girl.
You're happy? I just know raising a daughter Is going to be a wonderful experience of my life.
She must have lost a lot of blood.
Can I come in? Hi, honey.
Where's your baby brother? In the waiting room with D.
J.
I'd like a moment to apologize to my wonderful son For being so patient while I was a crazy lady.
Sure.
Let's go make faces at the babies.
Listen, she's feeling really guilty And vulnerable right now, So you can definitely get a moped out of this.
Hey, way to go.
Breathe, push, breathe, push-- no big deal.
But you always looked so cute in these scrubs.
You guys ever think about having another one? What do you say, Dan? It might be fun to have one on purpose.
Am I interrupting? Yes, please.
I had to close the restaurant.
How's Crystal? Everybody's fine.
Lonnie's talking to Crystal.
Give them a couple minutes.
Uh, Dan, let's go.
Where are we going? Well, these two had a fight and now they're going to make up.
What happened? You know your wife, How she could be a big baby sometimes.
So, don't let that stop you from apologizing.
Well, I admit, maybe some things I said Might have come out wrong.
And? And that's it.
Apology accepted.
And? Well, I hate fighting with you, 'Cause after Jackie, And now that Crystal's back to normal, You're like my third best friend, Tied with Nancy and Anne Marie.
Apology accepted.
So, did you get the job? No.
Who did they give it to? Nobody.
They're closing down the restaurant.
What? Yeah, like in three weeks, They're going to turn the place into a bargain bin.
Damn.
Yeah, and it ain't like there's a whole lot out there For a couple of career gals like us.
I got, like, two mortgages on my house.
Well Let's go look at the new baby.
Captioning performed by the national captioning institute, inc.
Public performances of captions prohibited without permission of So, you want to come in? No.
You need your space.
If I came in, I'd just be crowding you.
Oh, okay.
I need my space, too.
Monday after school, I'll hang out with my friends.
Oh, that's great.
You have to admit, making out's better After a couple days break.
Definitely.
Our lips healed.