Big Bang Theory s04e23 Episode Script

Hey, do me a favor and take Table 7? You mean, the one with my 118-pound rock-hard stud of a fiancé who's prone to canker sores and pinkeye? I prefer to look at it as the one with my ex-boyfriend and his gorgeous, successful girlfriend who makes me feel like a toothless Okie.
Do you want me to spill hot soup on her? Please, you're not that kind of person.
I know.
But if she orders something low-fat, I'll totally give her the full-fat version.
That's my water.
- What? - My water, you're drinking it.
Dear Lord.
- Have you been drinking it? - Yes, it's my water.
Well, that's it then.
I'm dead.
Here we go.
I'm sorry, do I need to connect the dots for you? The backwash into this glass is every pathogen that calls your mouth "home sweet home.
" Not to mention the visitors who arrive on the tongue of your subtropical girlfriend.
Hey, that's my sister and my country you're talking about.
Leonard may have defiled one but I won't have you talking smack about the other.
- You guys ready to order? - Yes.
I'd like a seven-day course of penicillin some syrup of ipecac to induce vomiting and a mint.
- I don't understand.
- He drank from Leonard's glass.
"He drank from Leonard's glass.
" The words they'll be carving into my tombstone.
- That's actually my napkin.
- Oh, this is a nightmare.
Where are you going? To the bar to sterilize my mouth with alcohol.
Gangway, dead man walking.
All right, here we go.
Two lemonades one iced tea and a root beer for Priya.
- Is it diet? - That's what you ordered.
Thank you.
Hey, have you and Howard started planning your wedding yet? Yeah.
We're thinking of having it on a cliff overlooking the ocean.
Nothing soothes those pre-wedding jitters like the thought of falling and drowning.
I was thinking of weaving it into her eulogy.
Howard, you've got to tell your mother.
Have you told your parents you're dating this short glass of skimmed milk yet? That's different.
First of all, we're not engaged and second, Indian parents are very protective of their children.
Right.
Whereas Jewish mothers take a casual la-di-da approach to their sons.
I gargled with tequila and may have swallowed a teeny bit.
- You all right? - Fine.
Thank you for asking.
I love you so much.
Fire demon.
Fire demon.
Sheldon's turning up the heat.
Troll master.
Check it, Howard pulls one out from under the bridge.
Nice.
Water nymph.
Oh, yeah, she's got puddles in all the right places.
Could you please play the game without commenting on every card? Sorry.
Walking tree.
- Last one.
- I'm taking a stroll and sporting wood.
[PHONE CHIMES.]
- Okay, the eagle has landed.
- What's going on? Bernadette and my mother are having a get-to-know-you lunch at the deli.
That sounds lovely.
Hope so.
Course, if history is any indication my mother will swallow her whole and spit out her bones like an owl.
- Have you met Bernadette's parents? - You mean Adolf and Eva? Not yet.
One goose step at a time.
Sheldon, that's my water.
Oh, dear Lord.
That's not your water.
I know.
SHELDON: Where's the mouthwash? Where indeed.
HOWARD: Ma, I'm home! - Where are you? MRS.
WOLOWITZ: I'm in the toilet! So how'd it go? Too soon to say, I'm not done yet! No, I mean lunch today with Bernadette.
Oh! I had a pastrami sandwich.
She had eggplant lasagna.
Like that's what a person orders in a Jewish deli.
Besides food, did you get along? - Did you talk? - Oh, sure.
Did you know she's going to school to become a microbiologist? No, she never mentioned it.
I bet she did and you didn't listen.
Yeah, that's probably it.
What do you think? Do you like her? I mean, she's great, huh? She's a lovely girl.
Cute as a button.
That's good to hear because I've got some news.
I hope it's good news because I've got nothing but disappointment in here.
Bernadette and I are getting married.
Ma? You too busy bearing down? Ma? [THUDDING.]
Oh, my God.
Ma? Ma? Stand back, I'm gonna break the door down.
Son of a bitch.
Ma, help.
- Hey.
- Hello.
I haven't seen you in a while.
How's it going? Other than waiting out the exponential growth period of the virulent organisms trooping through my microvilli into my circulatory system, hunky-dory.
[CHUCKLING.]
Did I say something amusing? I don't know, maybe.
I have no idea what you said.
So your mirth is merely a discharge of nervous energy with no semantic content at all? My "mirth.
" Classic.
Is there a station coming up where I can board your giggling train of thought? It's not a big deal.
It's just ever since Leonard's been dating Raj's sister l've had to keep my distance.
I don't get to hear all your jibber jabber.
Jibber jabber? I don't jibber jabber.
What are you doing at work these days? Oh.
I'm working on time-dependent backgrounds in string theory.
Specifically, quantum field theory in D-dimensional de Sitter space.
Come on, even you have to admit that's jibber jabber.
Interesting.
Do you know where the phrase "jibber jabber" comes from? Oh, my God.
You're about to jibber jabber about jibber jabber.
Howard and his mother are at the hospital.
- Oh, my God, what happened? - I don't know, I just got a text.
Hurry.
Sheldon, let's go.
To a hospital? Full of sick people? Oh, I don't think so.
Your friend and his mother are there, we're going.
I can't.
Don't tell me you're afraid of germs.
Not all germs.
Just the ones that will kill me.
The same way I'm not afraid of all steak knives.
Just the ones that might be plunged in my thorax.
I'll tell Howard you're more concerned about your own well-being than his.
I would think he would know that.
You know what? You are unbelievable.
You buy all these superhero T-shirts but when it's time for you to step up and do the right thing, you just hide in the laundry room.
Fine, I'll go.
Just for the record, my Aunt Ruth died in a hospital.
She went in to visit my uncle Roger, caught something and bit the dust a week later.
The two of them now share a coffee can on my mother's mantel.
So I knocked down the bathroom door, picked up my unconscious mother carried her to the car and drove like a madman to the emergency room.
- You're a real hero, Howard.
- No, I did what any son would do.
Hang on a second, you picked up your mother? Her own legs are barely able to do that.
I was filled with adrenaline.
It happens to be how women lift cars off babies.
Yeah, I'm saying it'd be easier to lift a car.
What can I tell you, after I found the courage to put her pants back on, I was unstoppable.
- So how is she? - They're running tests, I don't know.
It may have been a heart attack or heart-attack-like event.
- What's the difference? - A heart-attack-like event is an event that's like a heart attack.
Thanks for clearing that up.
Regardless, coronary problems are eminently treatable.
What's more likely to kill Howard's mother are the antibiotic-resistant superbugs festering in every nook and cranny of this hospital.
Okay, you're not helping.
Disagree.
Go sit over there.
I'll sit over there.
It looks cleaner.
Is there heart disease in your family? My family is the history of heart disease.
There's a cave painting in France of one of my ancestors doing this: - So it's probably genetic.
- Well, maybe.
Mom also had just gotten some news that might have upset her.
- What? - It's not important.
Howard, I'm gonna be your wife, you can share anything with me.
You'd think that, but no.
You told her we were gonna get married and she had a heart attack? You can't take that personally.
How else is she supposed to take it? What you've gotta keep in mind is that ever since my dad left l've been the whole world to my mother.
I mean, she'd be threatened by any woman who can give me what she can't.
You mean, sexual intercourse? Well, when you say it like that, you make it sound creepy.
- What happened? - Howard's mother had a heart attack because I have sex with him and she can't.
Bernie, wait.
I'll give you $1000 if you'll drive me home.
Nice of you to come for Howard.
Well, he's my friend.
It's what you do.
[CHUCKLES.]
I'm sorry, did I miss something? It's just so weird.
Howard Wolowitz is my friend.
You know he tried to stick his tongue down my throat and I broke his nose? That's a little easier to believe than he's your friend.
Yeah, tell me about it.
My brother had a group of friends like this in India.
They dressed up in leotards and goggles.
And called themselves the New Delhi Power Rangers.
You mean, when he was little.
Not as little as you'd want him to be.
This stuff is horrible.
Wanna see if we can find real coffee? Sure.
We're going to the cafeteria to get some coffee.
- You want anything? - I'm fine.
That's nice that they're getting along.
Your girlfriend and ex-girlfriend hanging out together? Oh, yeah, that can only be good for you.
- What are you talking about? - One broke up with you.
Do you really want her telling the other one why? I don't care.
I don't have anything to hide.
Good, good.
Then you have nothing to worry about.
No, I do not.
You are a mean little man.
You'd think it'd be because my parents didn't love me but actually, they loved me a great deal.
Bernie, it's not you.
- She's just set in her ways.
- How can we be together if the thought of us getting married might kill your mother? It's the circle of life, sweetie.
One day our son will marry someone and it will kill you.
Howard, I have to go to the bathroom and no one will take me home.
- What's wrong with the bathroom here? - Pneumococcus, streptococcus staphylococcus and other assorted coccuses.
Sheldon, my mother is on her deathbed and my fiancée is grief-stricken over putting her there.
I'm not taking you home.
At least go with me so you can open the door and flush the urinal.
No.
This might be a good time to point out that friendship requires a certain give and take.
Hold the door.
Mr.
Wolowitz? - Is she okay? - It wasn't a heart attack.
She's awake, she's resting comfortably and we're still running tests.
- Can I see her? - Actually, she said and I quote, she'd like to see "the little Catholic girl first.
" Me? Why me? Jews have been asking that for centuries.
There's no real good answer.
Okay, well, wish me luck.
Don't worry, you'll be fine.
Let's just hide Mr.
Cross.
If it touches her, it burns, so Brought a Catholic girl home to your mother? Yeah.
Why don't I write you a prescription for Xanax? Finally.
[MAN COUGHING.]
Oh, what fresh hell is this? Wait, you can't leave here, you've been exposed.
SHELDON: No, I haven't.
It's all good.
Wanna talk about crazy mothers? Leonard's mom wouldn't give him any approval growing up.
Oh, the poor thing.
It makes him desperate to please women.
That's why the foreplay goes on and on.
It does, doesn't it? It's like he's trying to win a prize.
A word of advice, don't doze off.
You will never hear the end of it.
Help me! Come back! Penny! There are a couple of things I did with Penny that might be a little silly, but Like what? Every once in a while, before we'd go to bed l'd put on a little show for her.
What do you mean "a show"? Well, you know, like the way I took my clothes off.
Like to music? I'd look pretty stupid if there was no music.
So you'd do a striptease.
Well, I wasn't swinging around a pole.
Good, good.
There was one time I put body glitter on.
I don't think you have to worry about Penny telling my sister.
- No, she wouldn't.
- Your big problem is me telling her.
You really are a mean little man.
PRIYA: Oh, God, that is so true.
Yeah.
I know, eh? Hey, what took you guys so long? Oh, we were just chatting.
That's nice.
What about? We were just comparing notes about how you are in the sack.
[LAUGHING.]
- That's funny.
- Yeah.
What if she wasn't kidding? Doesn't matter.
I'm the king of foreplay.
Hey, how'd it go? You're a putz.
- You know what that means? - Yeah.
Do you? Your mother just taught it to me.
She thinks she got food poisoning from that deli and she wanted to make sure I was okay.
And are you? No, because I'm engaged to a putz.
You let me believe I was the reason she had a heart attack.
- Well, based on the available evidence - Shut up! She said I'm a wonderful girl and you're lucky to have me.
Where are you going? [IN GRUFF VOICE.]
To the toilet! Is that okay with you? Is it just me, or does she sound sexy when she's angry? Mountain elf.
He takes the elf from off the shelf.
Hell hounds.
Hell hounds.
[SINGING.]
Who let the satanic dogs out? Who? Who? Who? Colossal serpent.
I got a colossal serpent right here.
Must you? Sorry.
I'm just trying to cheer my buddy up.
Rotting zombie.
Sheldon's new Facebook photo.
Zandor, wizard of the north.
Ha! I win.
If you skip the part about being under quarantine because you were exposed to a deadly disease, absolutely.