Home Improvement s04e23 Episode Script

It's springtime here on Tool Time, Al.
You know what that means.
Yes, I do, Tim.
It means you're having me clean your patio furniture again.
Boy, it's a mess this year.
There are simple solutions for taking paint and rust off that chair.
Although one solution would be not to leave your furniture out all winter.
Then we wouldn't have any rust, we wouldn't have a show, and you wouldn't have what, Al? A very small paycheck.
The first step in restoring that furniture is to take off as much surface rust as possible.
That's right.
You can do that with a wire brush, with a sanding cord, or steel wool, which I prefer.
It's slow, but it's very cost-efficient.
I hate the word "slow.
" That's why I just chuck an abrasive wheel onto my drill and let her fly.
Of course, you always want to check the chuck before you turn it on.
Let's just chuck the chuck, OK? Move on to a more powerful method - the Binford 6100 series orbital sander.
(motor whirs) Oh! It's great for the large areas - the back of the chair, the bottom of the chair, or the bottom of Al.
All right.
Another method of rust removal would be to dissolve it with naval jelly.
I dunno.
You got jelly coming out of your navel, you got bigger problems than a rusty chair.
But I got a method that'll outshine your wire brushes, flosses, ointments, salves.
Put 'em all to shame.
Heidi, my hot-air gun, please.
Here you go, Tim.
Thank you, Heidi.
A hot-air gun does not remove rust.
It removes paint.
This one does both.
I made a few little adjustments.
This'll take the paint off a battleship.
Something a lot of our viewers have on their patio.
Just back off.
I mean, maybe they use battleships, Al.
I know.
Yes.
Fine.
OK.
Huh? No rust.
No paint.
No chair.
(Tim) All right.
Bolts off? (Brad) Mine's rusted on.
We need the pneumatic wrench.
Or I'll get a hot-air gun.
(all) Oh, no.
No way! Just making sure you guys still watch Tool Time.
Guess what.
My sister Carrie is coming to visit.
(all) Oh, no.
Come on.
Carrie's fun.
She always brings you nice gifts from someplace exotic.
Oh, yeah.
Last year, she brought us knee socks and lederhosen.
Hey, I liked the lederhosen.
Now all you need is some pantyhosen.
Tim, do you have to groan every time Carrie's coming to town? Yes, because I know what will happen.
She'll make some remarks.
You'll think she's criticizing you.
You'll get real upset and end up criticizing me.
I don't need my sister to come to town to criticize you.
Besides, I love Carrie.
I'm just not gonna let her push my buttons.
I've heard this before.
The same thing you said when your sister Robin came for Easter, when your parents came for Christmas and weird Aunt Betty came for Thanksgiving.
Your point would be what? You have a problem with relatives or holidays.
Carrie and I are gonna be just fine.
I haven't seen her in so long.
I'm looking forward to Saturday.
Saturday? Perfect.
I won't be here all day.
I'm helping Marty and Nancy move into their new house.
That's happening Saturday? You can't leave me with alone Carrie.
She drives me crazy.
Your sister is a freelance photographer? Yeah.
She travels all over the world.
She knows how to tell people to "say cheese" in 32 languages.
She sounds like a real cheese whiz.
(cries) Oh, we'll be right back.
She is amazing.
This job that she has just fell into her lap.
She's one of those people who's always in the right place at the right time.
If she were to lose her balance stepping off a curb, Robert Redford would be there to help her.
That actually happened.
Really.
So are you and your sister close? Yeah.
We get along really well.
Sometimes.
Sort of.
Not really.
She just drives me crazy.
My sister and I used to drive each other crazy, too, but we worked it out.
What did you do? We stopped talking to each other.
I really envy Marty and Tim.
They're so close.
You idiot.
You big idiot.
Stop calling me an idiot, will you, please? If you'd stop acting like an idiot, I'd stop calling you an idiot.
Big fat idiot.
I heard that.
All right, guys.
Come in this way.
Watch the door.
What's going on here? Why are the moving men here? I had a guy to refinish our floors, right? Tim said he had a better guy.
He's a bigger idiot than Tim.
No one's a bigger idiot than me.
The floors aren't gonna be dry for two days, and the movers gotta unload the truck.
Here in the house? Yeah, 'cause of my brother.
The idiot? Marty, I was just trying to help.
If you wanna help, just butt out of my life, will you, you big butthead? Hi-hi! Guess who's here and can stay a week.
A week? Oh, Jill, you look great.
So wholesome, like an ad for oatmeal.
Nobody can pull off that suburban-housewife look like my big sis.
Tim, a whole week.
Timmy! Come on over here and give me a big wet one.
Carrie, I don't think you've met my wife.
I don't think I've met you.
Actually, you have.
A couple eight, nine times.
Marty and Nancy.
And these are their twins - Claire and Gracie.
Oh! Brothers, babies, boxes.
I love this.
It is so nice to know that there are still people like my sister leading their simple little lives in their cute little houses, making delicious little meals.
Oh I hate her little comments.
She's not talking about you.
It must be some other sister.
She said "delicious meals.
" Say cheese.
Cheese.
Oh, perfect.
You know, I brought those to you all the way from Thailand.
You put them on your fingers, and you do the traditional Thai dance called the Fon Leb.
We are a Fon Leb-bing bunch of guys.
Hey, Mark, come on! Let's see what you look like in your present.
I really don't know about this.
We do.
Oh, it looks darling on you, sweetheart.
If I were you, I'd go change, sweetheart.
Oh, cute robe, Mark.
Yeah, right.
So, did the boys like their presents? Oh, yeah, they love them.
I hope Tim likes his kimono.
Well, I guarantee he'll like it as much as that kilt you gave him last year.
Do you have to photograph me folding socks? Jill, I'm a photographer.
I love taking pictures of people in their element.
Folding socks is my element? No.
I mean you're taking care of your family.
That's terrific.
In fact, I'm thinking maybe one day I'd like a family to take care of.
Really? I've never heard you talk like that before.
Yeah, well, that's one of the reasons I came to visit.
I wanted to take a close-up look at marriage, see what it's like day in, day out, make sure it's not too mundane for me.
Oh.
So this is like you're visiting a museum, and I'm the boring sister exhibit.
Oh, no.
I just wanna see how you put up with your life.
I don't put up with my life.
I like my life.
Of course you do.
You know, I've gone back to school.
I have great kids.
Well a great marriage.
Oh, yeah.
I know.
Tim is great.
I could see myself with a guy like him.
On the other hand, I just wanna make sure I don't settle.
Like I did for Tim? No, I didn't say that.
Well, that's what you implied.
Right after you told me my life was mundane.
You know, you are being very self-centered.
Me, self-centered? Yes.
We're supposed to be talking about me.
You know, I happen to be at a crossroads here, and I try to talk to you about it, and all you can do is yell at me and fold your stupid socks.
Well, you act like all my life is is socks.
Hey, honey, got any clean socks? All right.
Tim, you took a big step today admitting that you were wrong about the floor guy.
Putting me in a headlock didn't hurt.
Well, Nancy wanted me to resolve my fight with you by talking about my feelings.
I really appreciate that you didn't go that way.
Marty, I can't find Farmer Fred.
Who's Farmer Fred? This stuffed toy we use to get the kids to fall asleep.
Yeah, you know, you pull his pitchfork, he makes barnyard sounds.
"Moo" goes the cow and "quack, quack, quack" goes the duck Marty, I got the idea.
You remember where you packed him? Sure, I know.
Go ahead.
I'll bring him right on up.
Thanks.
(snickers) You have no idea where you put him.
No.
Do me a favor, will you? You look out here.
I'll check the boxes in the garage.
My sister is impossible.
She's been following me all day, snapping pictures and making condescending remarks about my life.
But the thing that really made me mad She says the reason she's staying a whole week is so she can observe how miserable our lives are.
It won't take a week.
What's that supposed to mean? You think our lives are miserable? Of course not.
I'm joking.
I'm trying to cheer you up.
Well, I'm upset.
It's no time to cheer me up.
Got it.
I'll wait till you're in a good mood, then I'll try to cheer you up.
I don't know why I talk to you.
Couldn't you be supportive? All right, all right.
I know it's horrible having a sister like Carrie.
From the moment I met her, I realized she's an obnoxious woman.
Why are you attacking my sister? I thought that's what we were doing.
I can trash her because I'm doing it out of love.
Besides, she does have a few good points.
First time I met her, she was delightful.
She's attractive, fun, the kids love her.
She's got a good job.
Please don't go that far.
From now on, you tell me how far you want me to go, and I'll go there.
( Thai) Wilson, what are you doing? Well, hidey-ho, neighborette.
See, I am dancing the Fon Leb.
Your boys gave me these nails as a gift.
They are so thoughtful.
Did they also give you some litchi nuts? Yes, indeedy.
I even nibbled on some while I was trying on the kimono that Tim gave me.
My family has always believed it's better to give than keep anything my sister gave them.
Oh, so the gifts came from Carrie? Mm-hmm.
She is such an interesting woman.
Could I talk to Wilson? I got a couple of minutes before I go to work.
You'll have to wait.
I can't wait.
I'm sorry, we only have one Wilson, and I'm using him.
You know, neighbors, I am a friend.
I'm not a rest room.
I'm sorry, Wilson.
Tim, I know you wanna talk to Wilson about me, but I was here first.
Well, hurry up.
I don't know how long I can hold it.
So, Jill, what did you want to talk about? Carrie.
You know, when we were kids, we were so close.
We shared a room, we told each other everything.
Now when we get together, all we do is fight.
Why do you think that is? I don't know.
Ever since high school, we've just been going in different directions.
Well, sometimes it is difficult to find a way back to each other.
Maybe I just need to face the fact that we're never gonna be close again.
Well, Jill, I wouldn't give up hope just yet.
I'm reminded of the Christina Rossetti, who wrote, "There is no friend like a sister in calm or stormy weather.
"To cheer on the tedious way, to fetch one if one goes astray.
" Hmm.
Wait, which one of us is going astray? Well, if you lose the relationship, maybe both of you.
Just great.
Look at the time.
Huh? Now it's off to work I go without my "hidey-ho.
" Welcome back to "Spring Spruce Up Week" for your backyard.
We're gonna show you how to maintain your wooden deck.
It's a heck of a deck.
This deck is a wreck.
Really? Let's check.
Marv, if you wanna come on in here.
As you can see, we have a sagging beam that needs to be reinforced.
Now, the best way to do that is to sister a matching beam right next to it.
Wait a minute.
What is it with women and their sisters fighting? Why can't they fight like men? Tim, what does this have to do with decks? Follow me on this.
When two brothers are fighting, one gets decked, fight's over.
I believe you're making a gross generalization.
My brother and I have never resorted to physical violence to resolve an argument.
Come on.
There was never a punch thrown between little Cal and little Al? No.
We always settled our differences with compromise and a nice cup of tea.
Get real.
You wanna ask him yourself? He's backstage.
Your brother's here? Yes, he is.
He flew in for Mother's birthday.
(applause) Thank you.
I'll relay your well wishes to her when we take her out for her birthday smorgasbord.
Good luck getting her attention.
Well I think the audience would like to meet Al's brother.
Wouldn't you? (all) Yeah! All right.
Let's give a big, warm Tool Time welcome for Cal "He's gotta be better-looking than Al" Borland.
(applause) I don't see any family resemblance, do you? Well, actually, I take after Father, and Cal looks like Mother.
And a fine-looking woman she is.
Come on, Cal.
You wanna tell us about growing up with Al? I don't think so, Tim.
(snorts) He's got that Borland humor.
Yeah, the kind that isn't funny.
It's hard to believe, Cal, that all through your childhood, you never threw a punch each other? That's right.
I never felt the need to fight Al.
As I said, we always resolved our differences with a nice cup of tea.
What are you - the Queen Mother? No, but nothing like a cup of Earl Grey to soothe sibling rivalry.
Of course, I would have preferred chamomile.
Chamomile? You never said anything.
Well, you never asked.
Cal, I can't believe this.
You hold back on your tea preferences all these year and then blurt it out on my television show? Your television show? For another thing, I'm getting sick and tired of you always flaunting your success.
You're just jealous because I have a prestigious career, and you're just a lowly physicist! Boys, television show.
Live audience.
(quacking sounds) Are you still playing with those ducks? You're supposed to be looking for Farmer Fred.
They're helping me.
Come on, fellas.
Where are you going? Oh, Jill, listen.
Something came up, and I have to leave.
Thank you for everything.
Leave? You said you were gonna stay a week.
What came up? Uh an assignment.
It's-It's far away.
I have to fly there.
Please don't go.
I know we got mad this afternoon, but couldn't you just stay and talk? I don't think that's a great idea.
Every time I open my mouth, I seem to upset you.
Well, not every time.
I was OK when you came in and said hello.
Tim.
I love this thing.
It always surprises me.
Look, I didn't mean to make you feel bad.
I think it's great that you're happy being like Mom.
Oh, please.
Don't use the "M" word.
Just because you jet around and you have this glamorous life and I'm, well, a wife and a mother, why does that make me like Mom? Well, why do you assume I have such a glamorous life? I mean, I spend half my time trying to figure out what time zone I'm in.
I've lived in my apartment for five years, and I still haven't unpacked.
Do you have any idea what it's like to live surrounded by boxes? Look, I gotta admit it.
I've been really jealous of you.
It was hard for me when you would call me and tell me that you were photographing Mick Jagger under a waterfall in Tahiti.
I dreaded that moment when you'd say, "What are you up to," and all I talked about was diaper rash.
Yeah, I dreaded that moment, too.
Maybe one of the reasons I've been oversensitive about your comments is because you've gotten to do all those exciting things.
But look what you've got.
Great kids, a great husband.
It's a perfect life.
Well, it's not a perfect life.
Hey, girls, remember these? (squealing) I rest my case.
Look, Jill, I guarantee you, your life is more satisfying than my life.
Well, what's wrong with your life? I'm just not as happy as I used to be.
Maybe I need a new career.
Maybe a husband.
Maybe I should just go spend some time with the Dalai Lama, who, by the way, hates it when you walk up to him and go, "Hello, Dalai.
" You know whatever it is you're looking for, I'm sure you'll find it.
How can you be so sure? You fell off a curb, and Robert Redford caught you.
Well, that's true.
Which reminds me Bob left a message on my machine the other week, and I never called him back.
Bob? I hate you so much.
Look, if you really wanna make some changes in your life, you're just gonna have to slow down and think about what you want.
And if you wanna talk to me, I would love it if you would call me.
I'm here.
Thank you.
I cannot find Farmer Fred, but I did find something my parents put in my crib to put me to sleep - baby's first ratchet.
( "Sisters and Brothers" by Lawrence and Hart) Sisters and brothers, brothers and sisters Ain't we, everyone? Brothers and sisters, sisters and brothers Every father's daughter, every mother's son Brothers and sisters, sisters and brothers Each and every one Sisters and brothers, brothers and sisters Every mother's daughter, every father's son It's springtime, Al.
You know what that means.
Yes, I do.
It means you're making me clean your patio furniture again.
And, boy, is it a mess.
There's a There's simple Oh, son of a All right! Come on, you guys.
Dinner's hot.
(Mark) What did you get? Everybody's favorite - Polish food.
Oh All right, I love Polish food.
I went down to Hamtramick Stan's.
You were supposed to get pizza.
Anybody can get pizza.
You didn't.
That's 'cause on the way to get the pizza, I heard the call for kielbasa.
You know, the last time you ate Polish food, you were up half the night.
And in the bathroom the other half.
That's because I made a pig out of myself.
This time, I didn't order so much.
These things look great.
Oh these are great.
Brad, you oughta try the duck blood soup.
It's all right, Dad.
For lunch, I had a chicken gut sandwich.
I hope you're not gonna stuff yourself again.
Once you get started on golabkis, it's hard to put the brakes on.
It's not the brakes I'm worried about, it's your full tank of gas.