Home Improvement s04e24 Episode Script

Welcome back to Tool Time.
Our guest today is the 1994 Illinois state champion for husband-calling.
For those of you who don't know what that is, it is a contest to see who can call their spouse the loudest.
Ladies and gentlemen, let's give a big, warm welcome to Deb Selby.
Welcome to the show, Deb.
Thanks, Tim.
Can you tell us something about a husband- calling contest? A husband-calling contest is like a hog-calling contest, only in this case the hog is your husband.
OK, let me try to get this straight.
Your husband's out in the back 40 in the pole barn, greasing up a chassis on an old tractor.
You want to get his attention, what do you do? I holler at him like this.
(shouts) Steven! Hubba-bubba-bubba- bubba-bubba! Husband, I love you! Steven, get in here right now! So, uh, how long have you and (shouts) Steven been married? That's my husband Steve sitting up in the audience.
Hey, Steve.
You're married 11 years, you still can't tune her out? Huh? I can tune out any woman any time as long as I'm watching sports.
My wife can be yelling right in my ear.
I can watch sports.
I can come out with the scores, everything.
Would you like to prove that? Sure.
Bring out the sports channel, see if he can tune out Deb.
What do you think about that challenge, huh? Yeah! Heidi, bring out the TV.
Here you go, Tim.
There you go, Tim.
PGA golf.
(TV commentator) He's two strokes back on the leader (shouts) Timmy! Timmy, Timmy, Timmy, Timmy, Timmy! Timmy! Here, Timmy, Timmy, Timmy, Timmy, Timmy! Timmy! Here, Timmy, Timmy, Timmy, Timmy, Timmy! All right, Tim.
Well, what did the announcer say? What? The announcer - what did he say? This always happens to Steve.
He gets a ringing in his ears.
You're not singing in my rear.
Timmy! Here, Timmy, Timmy, Timmy, Timmy, Timmy! Al, who cares how many nails we got? To run an efficient business, you should have an accurate inventory.
When was the last time you counted everything in this store? Oh, let's see.
Including yesterday, never.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten Don't.
28, 105, 40.
(laughs) What's up, Harry? Hey, guys.
How are you doing? Hey, Mark.
Hi.
So what can I do for you today, Tim? What? You still having trouble with your hearing? Herring? I hate fish.
When did you start selling fish? Ew! The doctor said his hearing will be coming back any day.
Yeah, we came here to get a hacksaw blade.
Oh.
Aisle three.
What? Aisle three.
So go pee.
Are the hacksaw blades where they usually are? Check out this Swiss army knife.
You know what that thing is? That's a Swiss army knife.
Wow! It's got a magnifying glass, corkscrew, can opener That's right.
Tweezers and a nail file.
Yeah, for Al's mid-afternoon pedicure.
I'd give anything to have a knife this cool.
Yeah, me too, but where are we gonna get 95 bucks? We could sell Mark.
Hey! Where are we gonna get the other 90? Harry, I'll just take this one here.
Gotta run - gotta get the boys to soccer practice.
OK, I'll put it on your tab.
I don't need a cab.
I got a car right out front.
I'm gonna charge you double.
You're right.
Al does look like Barney Rubble.
Hi, Tim.
Did you get your hearing back? What? Did you get your hearing back? Yes, I got my hearing back.
Is Al here? I think he's backstage.
Are you gonna need your cutters? Both sets, please.
OK.
(imitatesDeb) Albert! Albert, Albert, Albert, Albert! What's the matter? Nothing.
I was just practicing for next year's sidekick-calling contest.
Uh, actually, Tim, there's something I need to talk to you about.
It's about yesterday.
After you left the hardware store, I noticed a little something was missing.
Thank you, Al.
I do kind of light up a hardware store, don't I? I Actually, you know that Swiss army knife your boys were admiring? Yeah.
It's gone.
You're not suggesting one of my boys stole it, are you? No.
But knives don't just get up and walk off on their own.
Well, maybe Harry stole it.
Why would Harry steal a pocketknife from his own store? To collect the insurance.
You know, this was not easy for me to bring up.
And I turned that store upside down looking for that darn thing, and, well, the fact is, it was there when you guys came in, and when you left it was gone.
I know kids steal things, but my boys steal from you and Harry? Come on.
Things like that happen.
Let me tell you a story about my uncle's grocery store.
I was holding my mother's hand And this was yesterday? I was seven years old.
Oh.
And she went off to look for the children's appetite suppressant And on the shelf there was a cookie.
And I stole it and I ate it.
OK, so you're saying you think one of my kids ate that knife? Hi, sweetie.
How was your day? Where are the boys? Outside.
And how was my day? It was great.
I went to school.
It was real interesting.
I don't see them.
I came home.
I washed the floor.
I did the laundry.
I had an affair.
Who are you talking to? Evidently myself.
Al thinks one of the boys might have stolen a knife from the hardware store.
Why would they steal a knife? Not a knife.
A Swiss army knife.
This is the reason the Swiss army is the force they are today.
It's got a magnifying glass, a corkscrew, a toothpick.
In case they get attacked by wine stewards with spinach in their teeth? Is this funny to you? Yeah.
Boys, come in here.
I wanna talk to you.
We'll be there in a sec.
You really think our boys would steal something from Al? No, but Al does, and he's not the type of guy that goes around accusing people.
Yo, Dad, what's going on? Settle up for a minute.
Um Al couldn't find that Swiss army knife you guys were looking at yesterday.
Do you have any idea who might have taken it? You know, maybe Harry took it.
To collect the insurance money.
Where do you come up with these ideas? Nobody's accusing anybody of anything, but if you know anything about this, this is a good time to tell us what you know.
I know I didn't take it.
Me either.
Wasn't me.
Brad, you've always wanted one of these things.
Yeah.
So has Randy.
If somebody took it, it was probably him.
Yeah, right.
You're the thief.
You're the one who took Dad's hot rod magazine with the babes on the cover.
What? The Bevy Of Beauties From Chevy? You got that issue? Well, Randy took Mom's Victoria's Secret catalog.
That's mine too.
Can we get back to the knife? Look, we didn't take it, all right? How many times do we have to tell you? Fine.
OK, fine.
Just go back outside.
It's all right.
Do we believe 'em? I hope they didn't take it.
They said they didn't take it.
Will you make yourself useful? I gotta take this upstairs.
Yeah, but do we trust the kids that would take their dad's Victoria's Secret catalog? I'm more worried that their dad is the one getting the Victoria's Secret catalog.
What are you wearing under there? A beautiful camisole and a silk thong.
The only reason I buy those magazines is to read the articles.
Right.
You know, if anybody stole that, it was probably Brad.
Except you notice Randy couldn't even look me right in the eye? That's 'cause you got some schmutz on your nose.
Schmutz? Yeah.
Schmutz.
What are you doing? Dusting.
In a drawer? Very dusty in here.
Look at this.
You are searching their rooms.
I'm not gonna stand by and let you do that.
That is an invasion of the boys' privacy.
My mother used to do that to me when I was growing up.
I really, really, really hated it.
The way she did it was so sneaky, too.
What did she do? Maybe there's something she did we could use.
No.
It was really stupid.
I'd catch her looking in my desk drawer, and she'd pretend that she was putting my underwear away.
No.
If I start searching their rooms, I might as well turn right into my mother.
Don't even joke about that.
I am not gonna become a snoopy parent who doesn't trust their kids.
Tim! Oh, man.
I keep telling Mark not to put his dirty laundry back into his drawer.
A lot of guys do that.
Especially guys who just stole a pocket knife.
No, no, no, no, no.
I'll handle this.
Hi, Mark.
Hi.
Having an apple? Yeah.
I like apples when they're peeled, but to peel an apple, what would you need? You'd need a knife, wouldn't you? Mm, boy.
Oh, wait a minute, I got one.
I'll just peel that for you.
Use this knife here, huh? Oh, maybe I'll have a banana.
Maybe you'll sit down.
Mark, we found the knife in your pants pocket.
Why did you do this? What do you have to say? Who cares what he has to say? He stole something, then he lied about it.
You let me yell at your brothers and take the rap for you.
You're grounded indefinitely now.
Tim, wait.
Before you start doling out the punishment, I think that you and I should discuss this first.
I'm with Mom.
You stole from two of my best friends.
They're like family to me.
Is this how you treat these guys? Dad, I'm sorry.
Forget about sorry! It doesn't work right now! Just calm down.
Stop yelling.
I've a right to yell.
My kid's a rotten little thief.
That's what you've turned into- Wait a second.
Where are you going? I'm not finished yet! How could you do that? You called your own son a rotten little thief.
That's what he is.
He is not rotten.
He's never done anything even remotely like this.
You didn't have to scream.
You scared him half to death.
Maybe that's good.
Next time he thinks about stealing something, he's gonna think twice about it.
I hate when you do this.
The kids do something, you overreact No, you underreact.
I do not underreact.
You go overboard.
You go underboard.
There's no such word as "underboard.
" And since when are you the only one that makes decisions around here? I thought we were in this parenting thing together.
Somebody had to deal out punishment, and it certainly wasn't gonna be you.
Oh, I see.
So you deal out the punishment, and then I'm the one who has to stay home and enforce it? You wanna work together? That's your part.
That is one of the stupidest things you've ever said.
So what am I supposed to do? Quit work, stay home, and enforce his grounding? No, I just want you to think about what you say before you say it.
And if it's not the right thing to say, then don't say it at all.
Could you say that again? (knock at door) Can I come in? No.
Honey, I want to talk to you.
Look What you did was wrong.
But your father came down on you kind of hard, and I thought you might be upset.
I'm not upset.
Well, I'd be upset if somebody yelled at me like that.
You know, my dad used to yell at me like that.
He was an army colonel.
He was trained to yell so you could hear him from one end of the base to the other.
Randy, can you leave us alone for a few minutes? But it's my room.
I'm trying to tell Mark a story from when I was a little girl.
I'm outta here.
Hey, hey.
Not so fast.
Come on, talk to me.
I don't want to talk.
Well, OK.
OK, then I'll just sit here with you.
I could tell you about the time that my father yelled at me 'cause I was trying to sneak out of the house in a skirt that he thought was too short.
It was way longer than any of the skirts my friends were wearing, except of course, for Darlene Mayberry, but she had really chubby knees.
(chanting in Japanese) Wilson? (continues chanting) Wilson, could you stop singing and talk to me for a second? Well, hi-ho, neighbor.
Happy Tako Age.
Happy Yokohama to you.
What's with the kite? Well, today is the Japanese festival of Tako Age, which means "big kite-flying day.
" See, according to legend, a master of a 16th century Japanese castle flew a kite in order to celebrate the birth of his son.
Yeah? What did he do when his son committed his first crime? Pardon? I'm not gonna pardon him.
What in the world are you talking about? I'll tell you what I'm talking about.
Mark got caught stealing a pocket knife from Harry's hardware store.
I got really angry with him.
I really didn't like this.
Jill got mad at me because I was yelling at him.
I told him he was grounded for the rest of his life.
Well, Tim, that seems like pretty harsh punishment.
You know how I look at it? The stronger the punishment, the less the likelihood is the kid will ever do it again.
Tim, many people subscribe to that theory, but I'm reminded of the great Nietzsche.
Wow.
What a linebacker.
Green Bay Packers.
No.
No, no, no, no.
Not Ray Nitschke.
I'm talking about Friedrich Nietzsche, the German philosopher.
Sure.
Freddy.
Yeah.
Yes.
Nietzsche said that punishment often increases the feelings of estrangement and strengthens the power of resistance.
I think what influenced me more was Fisk.
I didn't know you were a fan of John Fiske, the English historian.
I'm not.
I'm talking about Carlton Fisk, the White Sox catcher.
He said if you get caught stealing, throw him out.
Hey, Dad.
Hey, guys.
Where's Mark? I don't know.
He was supposed to meet us at the bus stop, but he never showed up.
I told him to come straight home after school.
Dad, the kid's a convicted hardware criminal.
They're unpredictable.
Come on, guys.
Let's make some calls and find your brother.
Come on, come on.
(both) All right.
Yeah.
Pete's Pets? Hi, this is Tim Taylor.
I was won Thank you.
Hearing's fine now.
OK.
Yeah, we all love Al.
That's great.
I've got kind of a serious issue here.
I'm looking for my son.
Yeah, we bought a hamster in there a little while ago.
I'm looking How big is he? About the size of my hand with a little tail on there.
Oh, Mark? Yeah.
About 4'10", shaggy blond hair, no tail.
He hasn't been by there at all, huh? OK, but if he stops by, you'll have him call me, please? Thank you.
Goodbye.
Where's Mark? He didn't come home from school, but there's no reason to be concerned.
Oh, my God.
Are you saying he ran away? We don't know that.
We know he's not at school or any of his friends', or the police, the hospital or the pet store.
Well, then where is he? (phone rings) Hello.
Yes.
Oh, thank God.
He's OK.
Really? OK.
We'll be there as soon as we can.
Bye-bye.
Well? He went to the hardware store to apologize for taking the knife.
Well, that's great.
That's my boy there.
Your boy doesn't wanna leave the hardware store.
All right.
He doesn't wanna leave the hardware store because he's afraid of you.
So even though it was only one cookie that I stole, the point is I, too, succumbed to temptation.
You understand, Mark? I think so, but what's an appetite suppressant? Something his mother obviously never found.
Hi, honey.
Hey, Mark.
Hi, Mom.
Listen We'll just be in the back.
If a customer comes in, give us a call.
Come on.
Thanks, guys.
Hey, Mark, let me talk to you for a minute.
I'm not gonna yell at you.
I'm really sorry I went nuts today.
But what you did really upset me.
So you must really hate me.
Come on, Mark.
No, I really, really love you, all right? It's just It's just certain things really, really set me off.
Excuse me, do you have any mops? Can't you see I'm talking to my kid here? Could you give us a few minutes? Go get some coffee or something? Is there a coffee place in the area? What - do I look like Juan Valdez here? Is she Colombian? Do you see beans? Here.
Just take this.
When you or your brothers lie or cheat or steal like this, it makes your mom and I feel like we're not doing our jobs right, and part of our job is to make you see the difference between right and wrong.
I know it's wrong to steal.
Then why did you take the knife? I don't know.
I thought if I had the knife, Brad and Randy would think I'm cool.
I'm really sorry I did it.
We know you're sorry.
Coming here showed that.
It took a lot of guts.
Which is why I spoke to the governor, and we commuted your sentence to two weeks.
Thanks.
Unfortunately, we found that you haven't paid your state income tax for the last 11 years.
Dad, I'm only ten.
Hey, that's the government for you.
Bye, guys.
Bye, guys.
Thanks.
(Al) Oh, well, OK.
(Jill) You want to get some ice cream? (Mark) Sure.
Yes.
What's the matter, Al? Someone stole a mop.
What are you doing? Nothing.
You were searching their room.
No, I wasn't.
I was looking for my issues of my hot rod magazine.
Busty Babes and Buicks? Oh, yeah.
Another fine volume from your reference library.
Something of yours in here too.
That's my recipe for tuna and lima bean casserole.
Why would they hide that? If it were me, I would have burned it.
What else of mine have they got in here? Mom.
What are you doing? Putting your underwear away.
In the desk drawer? Yes.
It's something my mother taught me.
This way, if you're doing your homework and you realize that you're not wearing any underwear, then you don't have to walk all the way to the dresser drawer.
Come on.
I can't believe you Come on, you guys.
Dinner's hot.
(Mark) What did you get? Everybody's favorite - Polish food.
Oh All right, I love Polish food.
I went down to Hamtramick Stan's.
You were supposed to get pizza.
Anybody can get pizza.
You didn't.
That's 'cause on the way to get the pizza, I heard the call for kielbasa.
You know, the last time you ate Polish food, you were up half the night.
And in the bathroom the other half.
That's because I made a pig out of myself.
This time, I didn't order so much.
These things look great.
Oh these are great.
Brad, you oughta try the duck blood soup.
It's all right, Dad.
For lunch, I had a chicken gut sandwich.
I hope you're not gonna stuff yourself again.
Once you get started on golabkis, it's hard to put the brakes on.
It's not the brakes I'm worried about, it's your full tank of gas.