The Golden Girls (1985) s04e24 Episode Script

Thank you for being a friend Traveled down the road and back again Your heart is true You're a pal and a confidante And if you threw a party Invited everyone you knew You would see the biggest gift would be from me And the card attached would say "Thank you for being a friend" Dorothy, give me a seven-letter word which means: "lonely, middle-aged woman desperate to meet men.
" Is that a clue on your crossword puzzle? No, I'm getting you a personalized license plate for your car.
Here you go, sweetheart.
Dorothy, have you ever heard of something called dirty-dancing? Well, of course, Blanche.
They did it in that movie.
What movie? Lawrence of Arabia, Rose.
This flier that came in the mail says they're gonna start a dirty-dancing course down at Lawson's dance studio.
What do you say, Dorothy? Oh, no.
I can't see myself swinging my hips and wildly gyrating my pelvis.
I am not interested.
And the world heaves a collective sigh of relief.
Rose, how about you? You wanna learn dirty-dancing? I don't know.
For some odd reason, dirty-dancing always sounds dirty.
Come on, Rose.
You know you like dancing.
I like square-dancing.
This is just like square-dancing.
All right, count me in.
Oh, great.
Just one thing.
When you do-si-do, your legs are wrapped around your partner's neck.
Oh, look.
It's a letter from my friends Philomena and Dominic Bosco in Sicily.
Oh.
They're visiting Miami with their daughter Gina.
Who are they? Oh, well, Gina and I were born within minutes of each other at the same hospital in Brooklyn.
That's when Ma became friendly with Philomena, before the family moved back to Sicily.
Will the Boscos be staying with us, Sophia? Unless there's a bidding war with the neighbors.
Well, even if we lose, at least they'll be close by.
Don't worry.
They won't be any trouble.
They'll all stay in my room.
Oh, Ma.
Three people in one bed? What'll the Boscos say? If you throw in a goat, they'll say, "This is just like home.
" Hi, Ma.
Here.
I wanna know what you think of my pasta pesto.
It's for the Boscos.
They'll be here any minute.
Ma, this is awful.
I'm also boiling the crud off the sink stop.
Try the other pot.
Hello, Dorothy.
Hi, Sophia.
Hi.
Tell me, how did the class go? Oh, not so bad, really, although it was harder than I'd expected, but I'm sure that in time I'll be able to master the technique and absorb the subtleties.
She stunk.
But the teacher said I was a natural.
Let me get this straight.
Blanche couldn't get the hang of dirty-dancing but you could? Dorothy, now do you see why I'm so embarrassed? Can you imagine a dance with movements just like making love, and I can't do it? Relax, Blanche.
Maybe standing up is what's throwing you.
(doorbell) There are the Boscos.
Philomena! Sophia! Oh! Oh! (all) Oh! Oh! Oh, this is such a warm, wonderful moment.
Oh, I just wish I spoke Italian so I'd know what they were saying.
So good to see you, Sophia.
So good to see Oh! And this must be Dorotea.
You know, you probably don't remember, but over 50 years ago I held you naked in my arms.
And you peed on his suit.
It's OK.
Look.
You can hardly see it anymore.
Oh, let me introduce my friends.
This is Rose and Blanche.
Oh, what a charming old world couple.
Welcome to Miami.
Questa mi sembra una donna di strada.
What did she say? Er, she says she wants to thank you for your gracious welcome.
Oh, my Italian must really be rusty.
I could swear she asked if you were a streetwalker.
Tell me, where, uh, where is Gina? Isn't she with you? She's outside.
She's bartering with the cabby, you know.
Imagine a man who take cash over a rooster.
Well, tell us, now, what brings you all to Florida? Well, we are here to take our daughter back to Sicily for her wedding.
Yeah, but Gina came with you.
Gina is not our daughter.
She's not? No.
You are our daughter.
Please, ignore him.
The man spent 90 days on the high seas drinking grain alcohol from a goat bladder.
Dominic speak the truth.
After Gina take a blood test for her marriage we find out it is not possible she is related to us.
At the hospital there must have been some mix-up.
You mean they switched the babies? Oh, but this is ridiculous.
Absolutely.
We can prove it.
Dorothy, show 'em your driver's license.
Look.
Look, I know this is a shock, but it gets better.
You are getting married.
To the most handsome man in the village.
(doorbell) Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
There is not one shred of evidence, not one logical reason, why I should not believe that this woman is my mother or that Gina is her real daughter.
(doorbell) Buongiorno.
I'm Gina.
Oh, Ma, that's disgusting.
Can't you find a better place to clip your toenails? Don't call me Ma.
Call me Sophia like my other friends.
Look, Ma, I am very upset, so please stop teasing me.
Dorothy, I've never told this to anyone before.
The day I left the hospital with you, I had a gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach.
Because you suspected I wasn't your daughter? No, because I was in labor for 38 hours.
And the doctor bought his obstetric tools from a restaurant supply store.
Now, stop talking crazy and go to bed.
Good night.
(coughs) Dorothy, you got a cough drop? No.
A hard candy? No.
A Tic Tac? Does it say Kmart on the back of my nightgown? As a matter of fact, it does, you cheapskate.
You know, Ma, I remember when I was a little girl-- Oh, God.
I used to have these terrible nightmares - monsters in the closet - and you'd always let me sleep in your room.
You remember, Ma? And I remember how you and Pop would get me to stop crying.
You'd put your arms around me and kiss me and say: "As long as you're in my arms, everything's gonna be OK.
" Ma, that's what I need now.
A parent to hug me and tell me everything's gonna be OK.
Don't worry, baby.
Everything is gonna be molto bene.
What the hell is going on here? I heard your voice in the hallway.
I wanted to see why my bambina was up so late.
Don't call me your bambina.
Dominic, you wake the bambina! Stop saying that! Don't raise your voice at your mama.
You're not too old for me to take you across my knee.
You lay a finger on me, your teeth will be back in Sicily before you are.
That's my girl! You've got lots of spirit just like your beautiful mama.
Thank you.
This has gone far enough.
(both) What's gone far enough? I was talking to her.
Look, from now on she'll be Ma number one.
You're Ma number two I'm slowly going out of my mind.
All right.
Enough.
Tomorrow I'll go to the hospital and have a blood test and settle this whole mess once and for all.
Capeesh? Now, go to bed.
Oh, thank heaven this'll all be settled tomorrow.
Thanks, Ma.
Oh, I love you, Ma.
Ma.
Ma? Are you talking to me? But Blanche-- Don't even speak to me.
What you did was terrible.
I've never been so humiliated in my entire life.
That's not true.
What about the time you got caught with the Orkin man? Don't comfort me, Rose.
All right, girls.
What happened? Blanche and I went dancing.
She was sure she could out-dirty-dance me, even though I am better in class, so we went to a club.
Well, I got up first, and I was pretty good and then Blanche got up.
And she was bad? Well, I couldn't tell.
I was blinded by the reflection off some gold chains on a guy named Mick.
But I think the laughter spoke for itself.
That's enough, Rose.
Dorothy, what are you doing up? Oh, I couldn't sleep.
I just keep thinking about Ma and whose mother she really is.
You're worried she might be Gina's? No, I'm worried she might be Phil Rizzuto's.
I've noticed the phrase "holy cow" creeping into her conversation a lot.
Oh, Dorothy, you have nothing to worry about.
Blanche, of course I do.
I am confronting the possibility that the woman I have lived with and known and loved for my entire life may not even be my mother.
Honey, that's exactly the point.
What's the difference if she did or didn't give birth to you? You two really know each other and you really love each other - a lot more than most mommas and their children ever do.
Nothing that has happened or will happen can ever change that.
(laughter) (speaks Italian) Of course, I could be wrong.
Excuse me.
Would you like a cup of coffee? Oh, no, thank you.
The vending machine gave me two by mistake.
Hospitals.
Nothing ever works the way it's supposed to.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Just because a hospital vending machine screws up a lousy cup of coffee doesn't mean the hospital did anything wrong.
Oh, sure, a mistake like getting two babies mixed up makes the headlines.
But the point is - statistics back me up - hospitals are remarkably efficient institutions.
I mean, seriously.
How often does a hospital mix up two babies? Have you ever heard of such a thing? Well, have you? Are you here for the methadone program? I'm sorry.
I'm here for my mother.
Surgery? No.
Blood test.
Oh.
You? I have someone going into surgery.
I can understand why you'd be a little nervous.
No matter how many times you have to go through something like this, I guess you're never really prepared for it.
Look at me.
My hands are shaking.
I'm sweating.
My head is spinning.
I wish I could be only a little nervous.
(PA) Dr.
Watkins to OR.
Dr.
Watkins to OR.
Well, that's me.
I have to run.
Ma, what took you so long? All they did was draw a little blood.
At my age, that's like wildcat-drilling for oil.
Ma, when are you gonna get the results of the blood test? I'm a nervous wreck.
It'll only take a few minutes.
Relax, would ya? Oh, Ma, how can I relax? Any minute now somebody can walk in here and tell me you're not really my mother.
Let me remind you of something that may set your mind at ease.
Are you going to tell a story? No, I'm gonna sing a Negro spiritual.
Shut up and listen.
Do you remember the first day you went to school? No.
I do.
You looked so adorable in that pink and white polka-dot dress.
I loved that dress.
Even after you outgrew it, it was tucked away in an upstairs closet for years.
You put it away for sentimental reasons? No, your brother Phil hid it there.
He used to like to wear it when he visited the firehouse.
Anyway, we got to the school and I walked you to your classroom, and as I turned to go you started to cry, "Mommy! Mommy! I want Mommy.
" But the teacher told me to go, so I did, and I left you there screaming, crying, with the tears pouring down your face.
I guess all kids go through that the first day of school.
No, you were the only one.
It took a good half-hour to calm you down, but that didn't last long.
Oh.
What happened? Every time the teacher turned her back, little Debbie did something she shouldn't.
Of course, her mother was the same way every time her father turned his back.
The woman was a real tramp.
Yeah.
But, uh, you digress.
Right.
So, there's Debbie putting gum in your hair, hiding your lunch, stealing your toys when no one was looking.
When I come to pick you up, I figure you'll say you never wanna go to school again.
But what do you tell me? You love it.
You made a new friend named Debbie.
Ma, what the hell does this have to do? Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
How did you know what happened? If the teacher didn't see Debbie-- I saw.
I stood at the window and watched you for four hours, in case you needed me.
You didn't? No big deal.
Any real mother would do that for her kid.
Mrs.
Petrillo? I have the result of your test.
Thanks.
Let's roll.
I'm really looking forward to dance class today.
I can see that.
You're wearing your heat-seeking stretch pants.
Blanche, you're not dressed for class.
That's because I'm not going.
Why not? Why not? I will tell you why not.
Because I cannot flounce around a dance floor like some cheap trashy slut in heat.
Lord knows, I've tried.
Blanche, look-- Rose, please.
I do not need a lecture.
I am a klutz.
I can accept that.
I guess it's no big thing.
You're just awkward when it comes to your body.
Say what? You have no coordination.
Obviously the stories about all your romantic escapades have been greatly exaggerated.
Just what is that supposed to mean? Blanche, if you can't do a simple dance, how do you expect me to believe that story about you and the Flying Fanelli Brothers? That was all true.
To this day I get flushed every time I pass a junglegym.
Oh, come on, Blanche.
That story is no truer than the one you told about you and Buzz in the lunar module.
Oh, that does it.
Rose, I would never lie about the US Space Program.
Awkward when it comes to my body, huh? No coordination? You wanna see a body defy the laws of nature, physics and Dade County? You just hit that music, girl, and follow my lead.
( Latin music) Look into my eyes.
Rose.
Hi, girls.
This is not what it looks like.
What they do is their business, but if I ever see your hand on Rose's behind it'll kill me.
Ciao, everybody.
We gotta catch a boat.
Oh, Ma, they're leaving.
We're taking our daughter Gina back home to marry Guido.
Your daughter Gina? Well, what about Dorothy? Dorothy.
What'd they say about the blood test? We didn't wait around for the results.
I don't need a blood test to tell me who my mother is.
A mother is someone who raises you and loves you and is always there for you.
I don't need any more proof than that.
Me neither.
I raised her, and I was the one who got her through that awkward period.
The 50 toughest years of my life.
That's the same way we feel about our Gina.
It's not that it wouldn't be nice to have you as a daughter, Dorotea, but we love Gina.
And so does Guido.
He wrote us he could never love anyone but Gina.
He wants us to return her to him right now.
Dorotea, I am so sorry we put you through all this.
You would have made a wonderful daughter.
But then, you already have - for your mother, Sophia.
Arrivederci.
Ciao.
Ciao.
(Blanche) Ciao.
Oh, what sweet people.
Oh, I hope everything works OK for Gina.
Why shouldn't it? She's got a man waiting for her back home who owns a goat.
In Sicily that makes you a yuppie.
You know, Rose, all that dancing has just done wonders for me.
I feel so energized.
I feel so alive.
I feel like working this body up into a manic frenzy.
Well, great.
We still have time to get to class.
Who cares about class? The circus is in town.
I say we go look up the Flying Fanelli Brothers.
How about a cup of tea, Ma? Hm? Good idea, pussycat.
Ma, you never thought I wasn't your daughter, did you? Of course not.
Because if you wanna check the results-- Oh, don't talk crazy.
Go on and make the tea.
I'll be right in.
What have you got there? Nothing.
Ma, when you said you forgot your keys and you went back into the waiting room, you got the results of the test, didn't you? What if I did? Let me see the lab results, Ma.
Mrs.
Petrillo to you.
Then I'm not your daughter.
Got you, Dorothy! It was just a shopping list.
You have absolutely no sense of humor.
Just like your uncle Vito.
At least, I think he was your uncle Vito.
Kidding.
Just kidding.