Bob's Burgers s05e01 Episode Script

(indistinct arguing) - DOUG: Your son ruined everything! - LINDA: My son is a star! (talking over each other) Calm down, Linda, calm down.
He's the future Neil Patrick Harris! What? Neil Patrick Harris is way more talented than Gene.
FROND: Quiet down, everyone! Thank you.
Now, there's a lot of parents and children waiting out there that came to see the fall musical, but it seems that we have some conflict going on here.
Luckily, conflict has one enemy: Me.
So I'm going to get out my peace pad and we are going to process this mess and put it to rest.
Now, who wants to tell me what happened? I'll tell it! Well, hey, why does he get to tell it? Because he's my beautiful boy, that's why.
Yeah, and you're just someone's dad.
Yeah, my dad.
People, please! Gene It started with the school announcements MS.
LABONZ (over P.
A.
): Attention Wagstaff student body.
The fall musical is coming up, and we're not doing Grease again.
I can't! I'm not doing it! For this year, we will be accepting student submissions for an original production.
(gasps) So, if there's anyone out there - who's creative - Me.
- Talented - Me! And musically brilliant Me! this is your big chance.
Also, today's lunch is tacos.
Tacos?! This is the best day of my life! Shirt rip! (grunting) - You guys! - This is it! I can finally unleash my passion project on the world! Are you talking about Die Hard, the Musical! You've been working on that one for a while.
Yeah, ever since I saw Die Hard and said, why is no one singing? Why is no one dancing? What's wrong with Hollywood? Uh-oh.
Who's got a necklace in her mouth, is smothering, and like-likes you? - Mom? - LOUISE: No, Courtney.
Oh, no.
Hey, Gene.
Ooh Okay, she wants you back.
I'll handle this.
Look, Courtney, I know you want to get with this.
Okay? But honey It's a mess.
I mean, what are we even looking at here? Uh, no, I don't want to get back together.
This is about the musical.
I bet you're doing the Die Hard One, right? He let me read it when we were dating.
That's it, Courtney.
Just remember the good times.
Anyway, I'd love to be in it.
And I've been taking a hip-hop dance class (muttering): I my am Courtney I am I like to give and I go to the I ho ho, and this the ho ho, and now I'm done.
(breathing hard): So, yeah.
First of all, I love it.
Second of all, no.
Only because I want my play to be good.
I totally get it.
That dance was horrible, and I'm really annoying.
Anyway, bye! - What? - I didn't say that.
But I think I captured the spirit of your words.
I am not annoying.
Well Yeah, you are.
Yeah, it's bad.
Well, I remember it this way.
May I be in your Die Hard musical, please? No! I like tacos! (farts) Yeah, that sounds like Gene.
Yep.
Anyway, along came the day we were all supposed to submit our plays So what's your fall musical about? Leaves.
(blows note) Red, yellow, orange and brown They're on the tree then they fall down.
Good (piano playing) Wait, who's in there now? I've got the passion of a woman Looking for her start And the only thing bigger than my hair (off-key): Is my heart! And that's just one of the amazing songs from Working Girl, the Musical! Courtney! You stole my thunder! No, I didn't.
So it's just a coincidence you took a beloved movie from the 1980s some say the sassy sister film to Die Hard and set it to music and lyrics? Thunder thief! I'm sorry, but that keyboard is adorable.
Did you rescue it from a shelter? Nice one, Daddy.
Well, where'd you get your keyboard, Doug, the Too-Big Keyboard Store? Enough keyboard insults.
Gene, it'll be your turn in a minute and we can hear what you've got.
You'll hear what I've got, all right.
Because it is very audible! (chanting): Nakatomi, Nakatomi, Nakatomi, Nakatomi, Nakatomi, Nakatomi, Nakatomi Okay, I'm gonna stop you there.
But I haven't even It's fine, don't worry.
Thank you.
Peter, you can come in now.
Ready to catch my fall musical? It's fall, y'all! Ms.
LaBonz, did I mention that I know Carly Simon, the artist behind the Working Girl and "Let the River Run," and if we do our play, she'll come to the show? We're doing Working Girl! - Yeah! - All right! - Aah! - Oh.
Oh, my poor baby! - My baby.
- Lin, not so hard.
Can we please stay focused here? We absolutely can, Mr.
Frond.
Let me take over.
You see, being the generous soul that I am, I had to step in and help a brother out.
Louise, why are we in the boiler room? I want to just go home and crawl into bed and have a good, long dutch oven cry.
Buck up, Gene.
It's like I scream into my pillow every time I don't get a horse on my birthday: There's always next year! Guys! There's a secret boiler room in the back of the boiler room that no one knows about.
I think, in the olden days, they used it as the faculty opium den.
Great.
So why are we here? We're here because this room happens to be under the very auditorium where Working Girl, the Musical is gonna be performed.
Then this is where I want to die! No, listen! You're gonna put on the guerilla-slash-protest production of Die Hard, the Musical on the same night, in here! It's the perfect way to stick it to Courtney, right in her thunder-stealing face! (gasps) It's brilliant! The symbolism! We'll be up-staging her from down-stairs-stage! No, what's brilliant is we're going to charge five bucks a head.
Wow! What a considerate - and lucrative solution to Gene's problem.
- I know! You're the smartest person in the whole world! I know! (chanting): Louise is the best! Louise is the best! Louise is the best! Louise is the best! What? What's taking so long? Waiting is gross.
Yeah, the show must go on! That's a thing, right? Well, Gene, you violated school rules by entering the prohibited secret boiler room Yup.
You decided to put on a guerilla-slash-protest play - the same night as the fall musical - Amazing.
Things are not stacking up in your favor here.
Do you want the whole story or not, Mr.
Frond? Oh, my God, every word.
I could do this all night.
So things were really coming together Okay, we got the musical, we got the venue.
Now all we need is the actors.
Right.
Do you know Sir Ian McKellen? No.
- Crap.
Hello, Courtney.
Cool piece of paper.
Gene, if you're here to try out for Working Girl, the Musical, you're too late.
I'm posting the cast list right now.
But I suppose I could work you in, as like a really stupid stapler or a desk or something.
I'd be an incredible stapler! But don't even worry about it, - 'cause I'm putting on a pl - Weight! He's putting on a lot of weight, not being in any plays or talking about other plays that could get him in trouble.
Oh, right Oh, well, good luck with your weight gain.
Looks like you're almost there, bye! Thank you.
You guys, I'm secretary number one! Eat it, two and three! Yay! - Aw, man.
- Come on! Well, Mom, I guess I don't have the dashing good looks and charm of a medium-young Harrison Ford.
I think I've found our cast.
LOUISE: May I present the People that Didn't Get Cast in Courtney's Play But Still Want to Be in a Play Players.
Yep, did not make the cut.
I guess I'll have to win an Oscar for wrestling.
Is it because I can't not sing like Mariah Carey? I can't help it.
- We stepped on each other's lines.
- We stepped on each other's lines.
Miss Merkin, what are you doing here? I've played piano for the Wagstaff Musical for 24 years.
Then Doug comes in and pushes me out! Well, how are you with a Casio? (plays beautiful riff, adds dog bark) I think I can manage.
Oh, wait.
We still need a girl to play Holly Gennaro McClane.
- So I guess that's you? - Oh, no way.
I'm that blond bad-ass guy or nothing.
Fine, then it's Tina.
Where is Tina? TINA: I'm Katherine Parker And I'm super rich And soon you will find that I'm quite a bleep.
Okay, so I betrayed Gene by being in Courtney's play, but I have a perfectly good explanation.
I'm a business man with a business plan I need a business woman with some business hands So, yeah.
Oh, God.
But your characters don't even end up together! We're all allowed to interpret the movie differently.
No, they definitely don't end up together.
Eh, to each his own.
No, they really don't.
Well, comme ci comme ça.
All right, well, now you're just saying words.
C'est la vie.
Anyway, it was the day before the big show.
Some of you might call it yesterday See you at my play tomorrow night.
I wrote a play, we're doing it tomorrow, see you there.
Where? Wait You hear that? It's the sound of me having a play and you not having one! It sounds like, Yeah, I have a play and you don't have a play I have a play, you don't have a play Aah! I'll show you, Courtney Wheeler! In a way that I can't tell you about right now! So never mind! Bye! Why did you throw that corpse on my car? 'Cause I'm inviting you to the party, pal Think we're gonna be great pals Al and John, John and Al Now come here.
I'm gonna wrestle ya.
Get over here! Ow! Okay - Come on! - GENE: No, no, no, no! John McClane is in a tower.
Sergeant Al Powell is on the ground! You can't wrestle! - I made a creative choice.
- Very bold.
And Rudy, you're moving your hands too much.
And quit wheezing! (wheezing): I'm sorry, the asbestos might be affecting my lungs a little, but I'll work on it.
Um, can we turn down the heat? Yeah, it's boiling up in here! It's the boiler room, Zeke! It's what it does! It's like you guys don't even care about this guerilla-slash-protest musical designed to take down Courtney and send us to Broadway! Uh, Gene.
- (clears throat) A a word? - Mm-hmm.
The play is tomorrow night.
We gotta get it together.
Give 'em a pep talk, you know? Put some fire in their butts! Is the putting a fire in the butt part of the inspiration, or is that a separate suggestion? - Ugh, damn it.
- Fine.
Listen up: I wrote an incredible musical.
And I thought together we'd create the kind of theater that would make the gods cry.
But now I'm like, "What am I, nuts?" You're all blowing it! Zeke with your wrestling, Darryl and your extra-note singing, Crazy Arm Rudy over here! Andy and Ollie, FBI agents don't hold hands! These ones do.
Yeah, and they sleep in the same bed.
And now I'm realizing that the only way to make this production shine is if I fire all of you and play all the roles myself! Uh (chuckling) Say what? Except for Miss Merkin.
You're my rock, girl.
Thank you.
And I've been thinking about getting you drums and maybe a cute top.
You cool with that? You know it.
So congratulations, the rest of you have been demoted to stagehands on Die Hard, the Musical, a one-Gene show! Hurray.
It's gonna kick ass.
MR.
FROND: So you fired the casting, and made Die Hard, the Musical a one-man show? Yes, starring me.
Gene.
Yeah.
Okay, well, I've come to the part where I blame the parents.
Bob, Linda - Hi.
- Uh-huh? - I'm blaming you.
- Yeah.
Oh.
Why didn't you step in and do something here? Hey, we don't know all the crazy crap our kids are doing.
We don't want to know.
But I did start to get suspicious when we were walking into the fall musical and I found this weird thing in my pocket.
Musical! Musical! Time to watch your sister in a musical! Wait, what's this weird thing in my pocket? LOUISE: See you in there! "You are invited to attend the performance "of Die Hard, the Musical, "a one-Gene show, in the secret boiler room at school tonight.
" Gene's in a musical at school, too? Tonight? Oh, my God, our kids are in competing musicals! I always dreamed this night would happen.
- Aw - That's your dream? Yeah, Tina's the president and this.
Well, I guess one of us should go to Gene's play.
I call Working Girl! Ugh, fine, I'll go backstage to wish Tina good luck.
Hey, my little Sigourney Weaver-achiever.
How's your stage fright, honey? It just so happens I found the only cure.
(whispering): It's his butt.
Dad, Jocelyn's shoulder pads are too big! She's stuck in the doorway! (grunts) Just kick her from behind! Sheesh! Theater people! So dramatic.
God, I love it.
(laughs) I want to sing, I want to dance I want to act, I want to play! Um, Mom? Yeah Oh, sorry.
No! This is Carly Simon's seat.
Are you Carly Simon? Uh, no.
I know you're not! Wow.
Carly Simon's gonna be here?! Psst, Dad! What? Come with me.
Oh, um, I think your mom was gonna go to Gene's weird play, and I was gonna stay here and watch Tina.
Uh, I don't think so.
We need your giant body to make the audience look fuller! But Working Girl's the film that inspired me to be anything I wanted to be! And so you're this? Come on, Dad! (sighs) Fine.
Hey, if you want to see some real, gritty theater, we got Die Hard, the Musical down in the basement.
Only five bucks! Louise, don't bother these people.
Plus, that's not gonna work.
Oh.
I'm a Die Hard freak.
Check it out.
Bonnie Bedelia.
Also, I'm just an uncle, so no biggie.
(chuckles) LOUISE: Here ya go, champ.
Geez, it's hot in here.
- Whoa, is that a rat? - Yes, it is.
Huh.
I guess Bob went to Gene's play.
My son's doing Die Hard, the Musical, in the basement.
It's a competing musical.
It's competing with this one right now.
Shh! - Aah, you're jealous.
- Shh.
This is a boat A boat that is a ferry Ferry on the water Staten Island Ferry I'm a working girl A workin' working girl I'm a girl who's working I work In New York Ci ty GENE: All aboard the plane from New York to Los Angeles! (imitating airplane engines) Thanks, Argyle.
Boy, that guy on the airplane was right about taking my shoes off.
I'm a barefoot cop oh! Coffee, coffee Coffee, coffee Coffee's all I get Coffee, coffee How'm I gonna get ahead Coffee, coffee GENE: I'm Grubin' I'm Hans Gruber and I'm Grubin' And sometimes that can mean shootin' Mr.
Takagi in the head Hey, this is Katherine, you work for me I've broken my leg while trying to ski Do me a favor and fill in for me Even though I stole your radio deal idea For Trask Industries You did what?! That's my daughter! - Shh! - Jealous.
This is everything that's wrong with Broadway today.
Die Hard, one-man-show, in the basement.
Blow your mind! Okay.
Aw, I'm missing it! Maybe I can pop down for a bit.
There I go.
Fight scene, fight scene We're gonna have a fight scene (grunting) Oh, my God.
Eh, 'scuse me, eh, 'scuse me.
I know, right? He's magnificent! Ooh, it's warm in here.
Hey, did Louise charge you five bucks? - Yes.
- Ooh, rat! I have a head for business And a bod for sin Well I want both, so count me in! Smile.
Smile! What the hell? Where is everybody?! Hey, hey, hey! Where are you going? Uh nowhere.
And, uh, not to the Die Hard musical in the basement.
Great job, Jimmy Jr.
! (whoops) Thanks, Dad.
Where the hell is Carly Simon?! She, uh, left a message! She's getting drive through for everyone.
Oh, the life of the wife of a cop Makes my head spin around like a top Hey, hey! Five bucks! What's going on?! You're doing your Die Hard musical?! Oh, I love the Holly Gennaro McClane number.
Oh, my God! He's musical battling us.
I've seen it a million times! Stop it! Stop that singing right now! Nobody tells my son to stop singing! Well, actually, I've probably seen enough.
Keep going, baby! That Johnny McClane's Driving this gal insane I'll make him stop.
(slow-motion): Daddy, no! (grunting in slow motion) (audience gasping) (slow-motion): Huh? - (gasping) Ugh! - Wow.
Yes! That man hit my son with a shoulder pad.
Hold on! I accidentally grabbed a shoulder pad, maybe it went flying, maybe not.
And then she came after me! And Bob pushed me! Hey, I was just pushing you away from Linda.
She's crazy.
That's right, honey! Oh, my God.
I'm rich.
- What? - Nothing.
Well, I think I've heard everything.
Great, let's all go watch the end of my play.
I hear the finale is amazing.
No, no, my play! Nobody wants to watch you running around changing wigs! Tell that to British Parliament! I-I have to admit, watching one person do Die Hard is a little bad.
(gasps) Father! Hey, at least Gene's was raw! From the gut.
Courtney's was all slick like a kid didn't even do it.
That's because a kid could never do it.
Never! Oh, yeah? My son's not the one who promised Carly Simon, and then left everyone hanging! She just texted me that she was car-jacked, but she's still going to try to make it! So we should finish our play, Mr.
Frond.
Yeah! (stammers) No, no, no, no, no.
My mother was right.
This musical theater stuff is just too dangerous.
So for the safety of everyone, there will be no more musicals tonight.
And maybe ever! LOUISE: What? LINDA and TINA: No! I don't know if I have that authority, but at least for tonight, it's finished.
- Oh, come on! - No! Tina, what happened? Are we gonna finish the play? No, come here.
Shh-shh-shh.
Come here, come here.
We'll get through this.
I-I-I don't want No.
No, thanks.
Okay, time to go home, everyone.
Show's over.
(all groaning) Yeah, the whole night was a bust.
Come on, Gene.
Let's go home.
Wait! Mr.
Frond! What? I guess one boy, no matter how talented and charismatic and likable doesn't have the right to ruin musicals for everyone.
So, Courtney, you finish your play.
Aw, Gene.
So noble! No, Gene.
You were right.
I did steal your thunder.
Working Girl is the sassy sister film to Die Hard.
Everybody knows that.
I was just so mad you wouldn't let me be in your play.
Well, maybe we can be in each other's plays.
I What?! We just need three and a half hours to prepare.
Gene, it's 9:30, and I have a lot of sweat in my underwear.
Fine, fine.
(stammers) No way, Gene.
This is done.
Aw, too bad.
Seems like that conflict resolution could've been epic.
Maybe award winning.
Oh, my God.
You think I could win a Conflicty for this?! Yeah, you could win a Conflicty! Let's do it! (all cheering) All right, come on, everybody! Take my hands.
No, wait, wait.
Whoa.
We got to do this ourselves.
It's what Tess McGill would've wanted.
But Courtney, honey (muffled mumbling) Sometimes Shh! Sometimes to break through the glass ceiling, you got to break some hearts.
And glass.
You probably think this slap is about you.
Ow! So I don't know if we can pull this off, I mean, we wrote and rehearsed it in under 20 minutes, but if we do, it's because we did it together.
All of us.
That's exactly what people say before they make a baby, I think.
Okay, well, without any further ado, we present to you the musical rom-com-slash-action-thriller, Work Hard or Die Trying, Girl.
Oh, no! We're a bunch of secretaries from New York held hostage in Nakatomi Towers! Shush! I'm Karl, the one with beautiful hair! I'm Hans Gruber.
Consider yourself Grubed! Tess McGill can't let a bunch of terrorists ruin her dream.
I hope the police come soon.
Ow! Glass! Hurtin' John McClane's feet! I'm Agent Johnson And I'm Agent Johnson And we're from the FBI I'm Johnson He's Johnson! - He's Johnson - I'm Johnson! BOTH: Two fancy-footed federal guys I might just be a local cop But will you guys back off me? Things are getting pretty tense Does anybody want coffee? You know we're not so different, you and I.
We're both ambitious, Hans Tess McGill, you've stolen this Gruber's heart.
Like I'm stealing Like you're stealing These bearer bonds I cracked the co de So here's the bearer bonds.
Which is the same as money, I guess.
Hey, let's make that radio deal.
Hip hop? Hip hop.
Mwah! That's not in the script.
Just go with it they love it! Is that two rows of teeth I'm feeling? My baby teeth never fell out.
And Jack Trainer and I are a couple now as well, so that's good.
Hip hop.
Hip hop.
Hans, you're feeling love's great power But now I got to push you off the tower! Now come here.
I'm gonna get ya.
Come on.
(screams) I'm so mad about my brother so I kill you about it! No! (screams) Thanks, Al! If only there was a place where we could all be happy and not get killed! ALL: Maybe there's a tower Somewhere up above Filled with bearer bonds and love Where dreams don't die hard Maybe there's a tower Somewhere up above Filled with shoulder pads and love Where dreams can fly hard But until we can live in that imaginary world We'll work hard or die trying, girl.
Yes! Yes! (whoops) Oh, my God! Carly Simon? Who? Oh, sorry.
Y-You you look like Carly Simon.
You look like Carly Simon.
It's a compliment.
Back off.
Sorry.
Geez.
I smell a Tony! Which is also what happens to be what I call my farts.
Work hard Or die trying, WOMAN: Ooh, you work hard, you die hard Work hard GENE: You work hard! ZEKE: Come on, come on! WOMAN: Oh! Or die trying, girl You work hard, you try hard Ooh Work hard Ooh-ooh-ooh Or die trying, girl GENE: Yeah! You work hard, you die hard Work hard No, no, no, no, no Work hard Or die trying, girl GENE: Ooh, yeah!