Cheers s05e01 Episode Script

CARLA: Hey, Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Hi, it's me.
Li-listen, I've, uh I've been thinking about you and Oh, what the hell.
Will you marry me? Sam? SAM: Well, who else do you think it'd be? Sam, if this is some kind of a joke SAM: No, I'm serious.
Will you marry me? Oh! Oh, my God.
I'm I'm stunned.
I mean, it's-it's not like I never expected to hear this from you.
It's just that one is is never quite prepared for the question.
Oh, Sam, I'm touched.
I (Diane laughs) All All at once, I I'm-I'm feeling giddiness, fear, euphoria, relief.
I-I don't know what to say.
Oh, that's okay.
I'm not listening anymore.
Sam, I-I-I I can't answer you now.
Not like this.
Every woman wants her proposal to be enchanting, something she can remember for the rest of her life.
Find something like that.
Keeping in mind I don't care for sports arenas, theme parks or miniature golf.
All right, young lady, you just prepare to be swept off your feet tomorrow night.
I already have been.
Bon soir, mon coeur.
R-Right, right.
Ugh.
I'll get another one.
(piano plays) Making your way in the world today Takes everything you've got Taking a break from all your worries Sure would help a lot Wouldn't you like to get away Sometimes you want to go Where everybody knows your name And they're always glad you came You want to be where you can see Our troubles are all the same You want to be where everybody knows your name You want to go where people know People are all the same You want to go where everybody knows your name.
Good afternoon, everybody.
ALL: Norm.
Hey, Mr.
Peterson.
What's the story? Boy meets beer.
Boy drinks beer.
Boy gets another beer.
Uh, boy, have I got an evening cooked up for us.
Yeah? thanks for thinking of me, Cliffy, but, uh, I think I better get home early today.
What? Yeah, Vera's getting home from Springfield, and I thought a special elegant meal would be the proper way to welcome her home, you know.
How thoughtful, Norm.
Say, what's on the menu? Yeah, whatever she feels like whipping up after a five-hour bus trip.
Oh.
SAM: Hey Woody, didn't you say you'd been to this, uh, Le Petit Orange Restaurant? Yeah.
CLIFF: Hey, Woody, you been to that, uh, fancy joint, eh? Yeah, a couple of times.
Yeah? Yeah, well, how was it? Did they treat you well? I didn't eat there.
I just went in to use the men's room.
Well, the-the restaurant part-- did it look like a a nice romantic place to take a lady? Well, who could tell, Sam? It's real dark in there, and they got this guy running around playing a violin.
SAM: Oh, no.
I bet they got those pictures of those guys that are half men, half horse, too, right? I'm glad you said that, Sam.
I thought I was seeing things.
I've been racking my brains all day trying to find a place that's out of the ordinary and classy for dinner tonight.
How about a nude barbecue? No.
It's kind of dangerous with all those sparks.
Oh, right.
Uh, well, what's the occasion there, Stretch? Well, let's just Let's just say it's a special evening for a special lady.
Ooh! Get out your scorecards, boys.
Sounds like Sammy's back in action.
Yeah! Yeah! FRASIER: I, uh, take it this means you've terminated your relationship with Councilor Eldridge.
Ooh, yeah, in-in the dumper.
CLIFF: Well, gentlemen, in memory of the Councilor, may I suggest we lower our cocktail napkins to half mast, huh? Yes, let's not forget the traditional 21-peanut salute.
Oh, no.
Sammy, another round for the back? Yeah, but I want to know who's the lucky lady tonight.
CLIFF: Yeah, come on, Sammy.
You'll-You'll find out soon enough.
Just come on, help me think of a place here.
Well, all right, Sam, I-I got something that might be just the ticket for you.
How about this? A sailboat anchored offshore, you know, chilled champagne, candlelit dinner underneath the stars, huh? Worked great for Sean and Madonna.
Where do you hear all this stupid stuff? Let's just say inquiring minds want to know, huh.
A sailboat.
That's a good idea.
Maybe I'll call and see if I can rent one.
Hey, Sam, I just remembered something that might help you.
What's that? Now my Uncle Wade was a master at putting women in a romantic mood.
Well, what-what'd he do? Gave 'em money.
Worked like a charm.
Uh, thank you, Woody, but I'm looking for a place to take someone, a-a very special place.
As a matter of fact, come here.
Can you keep a secret? Can I keep a secret? You still don't know Carla leaves early on your night off, do you? Good, good.
Listen, I'm only telling you this because I-I like you, and I and I trust you.
I'm thinking about proposing.
Oh, well, Sam, I'm flattered, but You probably don't mean me, huh? We'll talk later.
Boy, oh, boy, I wouldn't mind being a barnacle on the rudder of Sam's sailboat, if you know what I mean.
I'm sure you'd be better-looking, but would you be happier? Ooh.
NORM: Woody, are you in pain, buddy? No, I was just thinking.
Yeah, well, the first time's always the worst.
Who do you think Sam's gonna propose to tonight? What're you babbling about, Billy Bob Joe Jim? Well, Sam said he was gonna propose to someone.
FRASIER: That's odd.
He said he broke up with Councilor Eldridge.
Who could he possibly be talking about proposing to? (Frasier and Carla scream) You've chosen the most beautiful spot in which to anchor.
Everything's absolutely perfect.
This is the most wonderful idea any man ever came up with.
(chuckles) Who came up with it? Come on, give me some credit.
I have an original thought now and then.
You're right.
I'm sorry.
Was it Frasier? Actually, it was Cliff.
Well, okay then, don't tell me.
(giggles) Right now I'm having a rather unoriginal thought.
Are you as happy as I? Oh, yeah.
I just wish I could get this song out of my head.
Song? Yeah.
You-You know how sometimes you connect certain places and things with certain songs? Oh, I know exactly what you mean.
Thank you.
This may sound a bit pretentious, but every time I'm in a taxi, I can't help but hum "Dove Sono" from Le Nozze Di Figaro simply because once a rather zaftig Parisian cabbie sang the entire aria on a trip through Montparnasse to La Coupole.
(laughs) Anyway, whenever I get out on the water like this, I can't help thinking about this tune.
Uh, Cappy Johnny, the old sailor who taught me how to sail used to whistle it all the time.
(whistles "Popeye the Sailor Man") "Popeye the Sailor Man?" You know it? Oh, yes.
Well, that one haunts me, too.
May I propose a toast? Indeed you may.
No, no, a, uh, shrimp toast.
A shrimp toast is even better.
Hmm.
To us.
How eloquent.
To us.
(laughs) Boy, us.
(laughs) Mm.
What a pair, huh? The important thing is that this finally seems right.
Yeah.
I'm so happy about us.
I feel so good.
To think I almost let you get away because of Janet.
Well, you had some crazy notion you cared about her.
Well, hey, if it weren't for Janet, I wouldn't be here right now.
Which reminds me, I guess I better better get to why I came here in the first place.
Can you, uh, give me some room here? Oh, oh, yes, indeed.
Mm.
Ha, ha! (laughs) You know, for the longest time, I kept pretending about you.
I guess I was afraid to really admit my feelings.
But from the very start, down deep inside, I have been crazy about you.
Crazier about you than any other woman I've ever met.
I mean, hell, I was crazy about you even when I hated you.
(laughing) What I'm trying to say is will you marry me? No.
No? No.
Are you serious? I'm afraid I am.
Well seems to me you have two choices.
One, I can throw you in, or two, you can jump in.
Sam, I warn you It's very simple.
One or two.
Sam, you haven't It's not open for debate, Diane.
Sam, I think after you've heard my explanation, you won't Sam, throw me a line, please?! Okay.
What's a nice girl like you doing in an ocean like this? Sam! (dishes banging) What are you doing? SAM: The dishes! (dishes banging) Sam calm down.
You're upset.
Only that I fished you out.
I know my answer was unexpected Unexpected.
No, no.
Don't be silly.
I brought you out here so I could be dumped with a nautical theme.
(grunts) (glass shattering) (dishes banging) Sam if you'll stop that for a moment if you'll stop that for a moment, I'll try and explain my answer.
Are you done? Maybe.
All right, then.
As it happens, I came out here with every intention of accepting your proposal but when you spoke of Janet, I had this enormous pang of doubt.
"What if wanting to get married "is a knee-jerk reaction to losing her? Does he want me or just someone?" Oh, Sam, I want it so much, but I have to be free of doubt before I can say yes.
Sam? Did you notice that? Notice what? Everything just got calm.
I don't notice any difference.
Oh, yes, yes.
There's a difference in everything.
The whole world just changed for me.
Oh! Look! The stars are new.
The moon is new.
Sam Malone is new, and I like him.
And I like them, and they like me.
And none of us like you.
Am I going overboard again? No, no, no, don't be silly.
That would mean I care, and I don't.
Bye-bye, Diane.
Where are you going? I'm going to swim ashore.
You can't do that.
Very well I'll take the dinghy.
You See how quickly the new Sam adjusts? You're going to just leave me out here all alone? Yes, I am.
Sam.
Sam Malone.
If you leave me out here all alone, you are the most despicable creature on Earth! Well, I yam what I yam, and that's all what I yam.
(whistling "Popeye the Sailor Man") Hello, Mr.
Clavin.
Hey, Woodrow.
Uh, suds du jour, please.
Oh, there he is! Normie, eh! So, uh, Vera get home from Springfield last night, huh? Yep.
Yeah, yeah? So, uh, how'd it go? Well, I'll tell you, Cliff, it got pretty hot in our bedroom last night.
CLIFF: Whoo-hoo! Yeah, yeah? Air conditioning broke down.
EVERYONE: Hey, hey! The lucky fella.
Let me get this over with.
Uh, I asked her.
She said no.
End of bulletin.
CARLA: Sorry, Sam.
I feel like dirt.
I'm fine, everybody.
I just don't want to talk about it, that's all.
Can I talk to you just for a minute? Sure, Sam.
What can I do you for? Well I'm kind of worried that Diane may get hurt.
My God, Sam, that is very noble of you.
No, I-I mean that I I had a dream last night that I killed her and-and-and-and it felt really good.
Does this mean I'm-I'm crazy or? No, no, of course not.
It's very normal for most sane people to entertain insane impulses sometimes, and it's very natural to want to hurt someone that's rejected you.
Well, for example Well, there's me.
But I can't tell you how many times I felt my own hands around her windpipe strangling her fingers tightening cartilage snapping! And, uh, I'm a respected psychiatrist.
Look, Sam, you've been through an emotional meat grinder.
My best advice to you is get away, relax reflect on what's happened.
You know, I still have the boat rented for a couple of days.
I guess I could sail up to Marblehead.
Great.
Cool it out there.
Thank you.
You know, maybe I'll work on the old tan.
Terrific.
It'll be just what the doctor ordered, Sam: sun, salt air, ocean spray in your face.
I know I-I wish I could come with you.
Well, I wish I could ask.
I understand.
Ooh, boy, how 'bout that Diane, huh? Eh, just like all women.
If they're not turnin' down your proposal of marriage, they're they're accusin' you of suspicious behavior in the lingerie changin' room.
Oh, uh, hello, Diane.
Norman.
Excuse me, miss, aren't you confusing this bar with the one where everyone isn't repulsed by your presence? Oh, Frasier, please tell me where Sam is.
I have to talk with him.
Diane in light of your disposal of him last night, I think it's better that he be left alone right now.
That poor man.
Can you imagine how he must feel? Gee, I'll try.
Of course.
I'm sorry.
It's just that I'm so distraught.
I fear I've made a terrible mistake.
Sam's instincts were superior to my own.
He was right, and I was wrong.
I should've said yes.
You're running back to him? If he'll have me.
I Oh my neck is so stiff from that water last night.
Would you give me one of your special massages? Please? Please, please, please? Certainly.
Thank you.
I was such a fool out in that boat last night.
(sighs) When I told him no, I was listening to my head and not my heart.
I should've known.
Sam and I are inevitable.
Why fight it? Why fight it? Why fight it? Frasier You don't mind me talking to you about this, do you? No, no, no, no.
Uh, I'm happy for you.
Feels better.
Thank you.
Good, good.
No, I'm-I'm really happy for you.
Uh, Diane, I think it's wise to go to him now.
Yes.
Uh, right-right now.
Yes, yes, right Where is he? Oh, uh (laughing): He, uh, he, uh, took the boat to Marblehead.
Oh, thank you, Frasier.
I'll wait till tonight and motor out to the boat.
Yes.
Oh, this is perfect.
Sam will already be asleep, and I'll slip into bed beside him and give him the surprise of his life.
Eh, uh, Diane? Sam's nose is, uh, pushed out of joint, and I think you better let him cool down.
Oh, don't be silly.
He proposed.
You can't turn off emotions like a spigot.
Besides, making up has always been the cornerstone of our relationship.
You know, that's that's what I always loved about the two of you, Diane.
That's-that's beautiful, really.
You and Sam are magic.
I should've killed her while I had the chance.
Hey, everybody.
Sam! Thought you were on the high seas.
Yeah, well, I changed my mind.
I decided the best way to forget about Diane was to start dating some babes long on legs and short on syllables.
Sounds like a good plan, too.
Besides, I ran into an old friend of mine, Monsignor Demarest.
He needed to relax a little bit, so I sent him out to Marblehead on the boat.
Oh, my God! What? Nothing.
Nothing.
Oh.
(engine shuts off) Thanks for the lift.
(engine starts) (Diane and man screaming) Yes! Yes, what? Yes, I will marry you.
Oh, oh, I see what's happening here.
You-you're still under the assumption that that offer is still valid.
No, no, no, no.
The-the statute of limitations on that proposal ran out the second your feet hit the water.
In that case, may I suggest you propose again? I assure you this time, I will accept your proposal.
Fine.
I propose that you step in front of a speeding bus.
(all laughing) You know, and I from now on, I'm dedicating myself to life, liberty and the pursuit of every woman in Boston except that one, so, to celebrate, drinks are on the house.
Come on, everybody! (all cheering) Wh-What do you think you're doing? I'm going to work.
I'll probably stop working when we get married, but I need a little money for my trousseau.
Who knows when the first little Malone will come along? Yeah, how do I say this clearly enough to register with you? I'm buying everybody a drink in this bar to seal the fact that you and I are through forever.
Oh, come on, Sam, come on.
Nobody believes that.
Well, go ahead.
Ask them.
Yeah, all right, I will.
Hey, turn around here for a minute, guys.
Now, after everything I just said, do you think that Diane and I will ever get back together again? Could I have my drink before I answer?