Desperate Housewives s05e01 Episode Script

Five years ago, Susan Delfino Gave birth to a son in delivery room "A" Of Fairview memorial hospital.
Moments later, Lila dash gave birth to a daughter in delivery room "B.
" Around 10:00 the next morning, As the two new mothers Were leaving the hospital, They nearly Ran into each other.
Of course, They never knew this.
In fact, Susan and Lila would have been Surprised to know How often their paths Would cross over the years.
They almost met At the local coffee shop and another time at Their veterinarian's office and again in the bleachers Of the Fairview flyers.
But despite These close calls, Susan and Lila never met until one tuesday, When Susan decided To take her husband To a fancy restaurant For their anniversary at the same time, Lila decided To take her daughter To buy some ice cream.
That was the night That Susan Delfino And Lila Dash Finally ran into each other.
Mike! It will happen to all of us Eventually.
The moment will come When we ask ourselves where did the time go? How did the children I once cradled grow up so very quickly? How did the life I dreamt of turn into a career I never expected? And how did that woman I saw each day in the mirror become someone I don't even recognize? Juanita, this dress Is awfully tight.
- I don't think You can get into it.
- No, it's pretty.
I can do it.
How's that one fit? I think we're gonna need The next size up.
There is no Next size up.
They don't make princess dresses For girls over 7.
She's only 4 1/2.
Look, my daughter was invited To a princess party, So I can't let her Be the only girl there without a princess dress.
Did you try The costume section? I bet they'd have a Mrs.
Shrek Dress that would fit her.
Juanita, take off the dress! We're going.
No! I candoit.
Look, I feel for you.
My niece also has A weight problem.
My daughter does not have A weight problem.
She has a little baby fat, That's all.
In fact, The only problem she has Is this store Being completely unprepared For a perfectly average 4-Year-Old girl.
Just ring it up.
No! For God sakes.
What's wrong now? Once again, The concept is, sweetie, You're taking the pie Out of the oven, Your face aglow With surprise.
Why am I surprised? Because it turned out So perfectly.
That's no surprise.
My pies are always perfect.
All right.
It's your best pie ever.
You've topped yourself.
And I know this Before I've tasted it? Sweetie, just make Whatever face you want.
I just think You'll sell more cookbooks If you don't look like You just made love To an ice cube.
Andrew, dear, I'm going to Take a little break.
Would you pleaseTell this gentleman That if he calls me "sweetie" One more time, I'm gonna grab his camera And take a picture of his colon? You got that, right? Katherine, hi.
What are you doing here? The waiters need to be paid, And you took the key To the cashbox again.
Sorry.
Paid for what? The armenian wedding? Lunch for 300? It was right after the breakfast For the garden club, Which you also missed.
I'm sorry.
I didn't know a photo shoot Would take this long.
Who knew it'd be this Hard to pose for a book cover? You'll be fine.
If there's one thing You're really good at, It's posing as a chef.
Okay, Katherine.
I know this book has been Monopolizing my time, And you feel overworked And undervalued.
But I do appreciate you.
In fact, I have a gift for you.
It's the galleys Of my new book.
Read page 2.
"For Katherine Mayfair" "A wonderful cook" "And an even better friend.
" You dedicated it to me? You make this All possible.
It's the least I could do.
Excuse me.
Time is money.
Chop-Chop, sweetie.
Do we have a backup pie? Yes.
Yes, we do.
Good.
And the big blind catches a jack On the river.
- Preston? - Mom! What the hell's Going on here? Don't freak out.
We're just playing cards.
Why didn't you Play at home? Why did you Have to sneak in here? Tequila shots! 5 bucks! Asked and answered.
Okay, that's it! Everybody out.
Game's over.
Can I have your chair For a second? Look up here! Mom's here.
Party's over.
Door's open.
Out you go.
Go on.
Shoo! You guys have pulled A lot of stupid stunts.
But this? This? Risking our liquor license, Our livelihood? Who's going to find out? I mean, we've been running this Game for a month, and nobody Unbelievable.
You guys Are grounded for two weeks.
- But we have mecoming.
- Keep complaining.
I'd love to make it a year.
Now clean this place up.
Now! That was fantastic.
Amazing.
- You were incredible.
- So were you.
Oh.
And Time to go.
So it's been, what, Four months? Are you ever gonna Let me spend the night? I don't know.
Come on, zippy, zippy.
It's just, you know Girls usually beg me To spend the night.
Good, then you shouldn't Have any problem finding a place to sleep.
Fine.
I know the drill.
I can't spend the night.
I can't meet your friends.
I can't meet your son.
I'm just wondering Is this ever gonna Turn into something normal? You know, you're a guy, And we just had hot sex, And I didn't force you To cuddle.
So run! Go! Brag to your friends.
Look I like you, And I know you like me.
So why can't we be a couple? 'Cause I'm not ready For that.
And what we've got That's all I can handle.
Go.
Okay, but that's only gonna work, like, 500 or 600 more times.
- Good evening.
- Can I help you? Wrong question.
The question is, can Ihelp you? If you're trying To sell me something, I don't have any money.
You do now.
I don't understand.
I'm here to buy you Out of your lease.
- What? - I know.
It's sudden.
But there's something About this house that well, it just Feels like home to me.
So I'd like to move in - Tonight.
- Tonight? Are you crazy? A little bit.
Okay, here.
I will more than cover Your moving expenses.
Look I-I'm all set up here.
Besides, my landlady Would never allow it.
Why don't you let me Worry about her? No.
I don't have Anywhere else to go.
I think you should leave.
Look, Raymond - How do you know my name? - I made you a very generous offer, And I just know you're going To make the right decision.
- Five.
- Five what? What are you talking about? - Four.
- Are you I don't understand.
- Three.
- Okay.
Hang on for a second.
Two.
Raymond, Thank you very much.
Here you go.
Take care.
All taken care of mrs.
Williams.
Thank you mr.
Williams.
The next morning, Edie Britt decided to announce Her return to Wisteria lane In a way that was guaranteed to make a big splash.
Okay, you're not gonna Believe this, but She's back.
Edie? Is that really you? You know someone else my age With a body like this? So you're back? What happened to your tenant? He came into some money And decided to move.
We thought, What the heck? Let's move back! "We"? You don't know.
I have a husband now.
Really? Whose? So I'm in Vegas talking To this real estate convention.
I do a little motivational speaking.
And there Sixth row, center aisle, Is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen.
So after I finish, I walk into the audience And I ask this goddess out.
His seminar was called "Getting what you want," And he did three times.
Before dinner.
It's certainly nice To meet you, dave, And let us be the first To welcome you to Wisteria lane.
You know what? We should Have a dinner or something.
Let's make it a party.
We could do it at my restaurant.
We'd be honored.
- Thank you.
- So, Gaby, I have to ask.
What the hell happened to you? I mean, look at you.
Your clothes, Your hair.
Carlos might be blind, But the rest of us aren't.
I had two children.
For what? Breakfast? On your first day back In the neighborhood? You're right.
I'm sorry, Gaby.
It was rude and insensitive, And it won't happen again.
Really? Now shouldn't we offer Your friends something to eat? I baked some muffins.
Please don't take This the wrong way, but we love you.
Mijita!Lunch is ready.
Go get your sister.
What's with all the cheese? You know how Juanita feels About brussels sprouts.
I'm just trying To make vegetables more fun.
Next time, give her a carrot And put her on a roller coaster.
Have you tried To lift her lately? I know she's gotten chubby.
She'll grow out of it.
We can only hope with your D.
N.
A.
Running through her veins.
I do not have fat D.
N.
A.
Don't make me pull out The Solis family photo album.
It's like a bunch of sea lions Posing on a rock.
I'm sorry my relatives Don't measure up to the group of stick-Thin drunks That you come from.
All I'm sang is that our Daughter has a weight problem, And the sooner we admit it, The better.
She's only 4.
But you want her To develop a weight problem? Go ahead.
Nag, criticize, Make her feel self-Conscious.
See what happens.
And obviously I am not Getting through to the twins, Because no matter what I say, They keep pulling this crap, And I am sick of it.
Honey, could you Sorry.
- You want me to talk to them? - You have to.
I am tired of being the bad cop.
You walk the beat for a while.
You know, boys this age, They're more likely To listen to their dads anyway.
I can handle this.
I really appreciate it.
Honey, you know what I'd appreciate? Could you Sorry.
So Kirby has aces in the hole Which means that Bobby Will have to wear a dress To school on monday.
You've got to get A picture of that! Can I talk to you a sec? Don't you think You were kind of sending The wrong message in there? I know we don't approve Of what they did, You gotta admit.
Starting their own casino is kind of creative.
"Creative" like selling Fake I.
D.
s was creative.
And hot-Wiring McCluskey's car That was a work of art.
Honey, This is nothing like that.
I mean, the whole school is talking About their card game.
Do you realize it was, like, the place to be on a monday night? Oh, my God.
- What? - You think they're cool.
No, I mean you think they're cool in that you wanna be them.
Oh, please.
You do! This is Tom, Former high school nerd, Living vicarusly Through his awesome-ass kids.
I was plenty cool In high school.
Are we redefining "cool" To include playing trombone in the marching band? You're overreacting.
You're a little high-spirited, But I trust them.
So I've decided to unground them for the homecoming dance.
But I told them They couldn't go.
And you told me to handle it, And I just did.
By the way, It wasn't a trombone.
It was a tuba.
Know your brass.
Juanita! You said I could have cake.
I know, but so much? You could've gone back For a second piece.
This is my second piece.
- And it's not Juanita's fault.
- In this kind of situation, I blame the parents.
My kid would eat Sugar all day long if I let her.
Gaby's obviously one of those Moms who just can't say no.
It's a shame, too.
Juanita has such a pretty face.
I'm back.
You want something cold? Well, actually, I'm in the mood For something hot.
You know this is why It's taking four months To get my house painted.
Haven't you ever heard That expression, "You can have it done fast, or you can have it done right"? I think I'll have it done Right now.
- It's not really a good time.
- I just need five seconds To bitch about Tom, And then I'll Oh, my God.
Your painter isn't done yet? He's hard to keep track of.
Anyway, Tom refuses to acknowledge That the twins are turning Into juvenile delinquents.
You poor thing! You need a hug.
Have you been drinking? Sorry to have barged in, and thanks for letting me Get that off my chest.
Anytime that you need to Talk, you just ring my bell And wait.
Okay, new rule.
From now on, sex only happens In the bedroom, door closed, Between the hours of 7:00 and 10:00 p.
m.
You know what? It'd be a hell of a lot easier For me to follow the rules If I knew why they existed.
I just don't want my friends To know.
Why? You ashamed of me? No, of course not.
It's just complicated.
I'm just a simple guy, So I can't be Your dirty little secret.
I need more from you.
I'm sorry.
I can't give that to you.
Honey, I know you wanna go home And watch your cartoons, But you had a lot of cake, So I was thinking I'd take you to the park.
That way, you could run around And get some nice, fun exercise.
- No.
- You sure? Running around in the sun and fresh air would make you feel good.
Mm no.
Why don't you Go throw that in the trash? And I'm gonna Get the car started.
Hey Juanita.
You wanna play a new game On the way home? Winner gets a new doll.
Come on, then! Mommy, what are you doing? It's a new game I invented, And you're winning 1 to nothing! Katherine! Fantastic news.
"What's cookin'Fairview?" Is sending out a camera crew tomorrow To do a piece On me and the book.
Which I just finished This morning.
- You read it ready? - Yes.
I couldn't put it down.
But I have to tell you, At least a dozen recipes are missing A pretty crucial ingredient.
Really? What? My name.
Excuse me? Bree, your book Is filled with recipes That we developed together, And some of them are flat-out mine.
Don't be silly.
I may have based a few on your recipes, But I always Changed someing.
Name one difference between This meatloaf recipe and mine.
Yours calls for minced curly leaf parsley.
Mine calls for Minced flat leaf.
It's minced! Who can tell the difference? Bree, you have recipes in here You can't even make.
Never heard anything So absurd.
The croquembouche cake With the spun sugar netting? I've never once seen you Work with molten sugar.
- I always make that cake.
- Really, Katherine.
Just because I let you execute a few eye-catching garnishes That gratify your need To show off, Doesn't mean that I can't do them just as well myself.
You let me? I thought we were partners.
We are.
That's why your name is on the dedication page.
You were right About the dedication, Bree.
It really was the least you could do.
And you'll break the record.
Mommy, I'm tired! Really? I thought running through that guy's sprinkler would've refreshed you.
- Now come on! - No.
Looks like mommy's Gonna score her first 2 points.
Come on, Juanita.
Show mommy What a winner you are.
What are you doing?! Juanita, stop! And while I thought grounding you Wasan appropriate punishment, Yourdad convinced me A little too hard on you guys.
Absolutely.
We have decided I was being To let you go to the homecoming dance tonight That's right! In your father's convertible.
Hold on.
What? Come on, Tom.
I mean, we trust them, right? Yes, I would trust them more If they were driving your car.
No! You don't want Two cool kids pulling up To homecoming in a mom car, Especially with that big dent They put in it last month.
Here you go.
- Dude! - Thanks! Don't thank me.
Thank your father.
- Thanks, dad! - You rock! Here Some ground rules.
No muddy shoes On my floor mats.
No Tom, relax! You high-spirited kids do Whatever it takes to have fun.
I'm driving it, man.
And in three, two, one.
Welcome back To "What's cookin'Fairview?" We're talking With Bree Van De Kamp, Fairview's premier caterer, Who's about to publish Her very first cookbook.
Bree, could you show us inside? This is my kitchen, And this is my staff The most gifted, Hardworking team a cook Could ever have hoped for.
I cannot say enough good things About them.
So which one of you has Worked with Bree the longest? That would be me.
So tell me, what's it Really like working with Bree? It's inspiring.
There is absolutely nothing She can't do.
Katherine, I'm blushing.
Working with her Has been suchan education That I - God.
Are you all right? - I think I strained my wrist.
God, it hurts.
You poor dear.
Could someone Please get some ice? No.
And I was just about to put The spun sugar netting On our famous croquembouche.
Would you mind doing it? Katherine, I'm sure your wrist Is just fine.
No, it's really throbbing.
Okay, it looks like Bree To the rescue.
Be sure you get this.
Really something to see.
The secret to spinning sugar Is this special whisk That makes Lovely gossamer threads.
Careful, dear.
You're clumping.
I can see that.
That stuff's hot! Sorry.
So that's your idea of exercise? Having her run after a car? Carlos, our daughter Sucked down half a sheet cake, And afterwards, No one could find the candles.
Wake up! We have got a problem! I just don't think the solution Is to humiliate her.
Now even if she's heavy, Doesn't she have the right To feel good about herself? Hey, I'm protecting her.
She doesn't know the truth yet.
Women only have five seconds To be young and beautiful, And then it's gone.
And then before you know it, We're old and fat and married And wondering Where our beauty went.
No, Carlos.
I mean sometimes I'm glad You can't see me.
Five years and two kids And no time For facials or the gym.
It just takes a toll.
And when Edie saw me the other day, It was like she didn't even recognize me.
Listen to me.
Nobody knows your face Better than I do.
And I see it Every time I kiss you.
In 5 years or 50, You will Always be beautiful.
Hear me? And now to finish, you simply transfer Your spun sugar To the croquembouche And gracefully drape it around in a delicate swirl.
Did I meion that you Probably shouldn't be wearing jewelry While working With spun sugar? There's no law that says It has to be a delicate veil.
I mean, it could really Just be a beautiful, Little white ribbon.
Turn off the damn camera.
Actually, my wrist is feeling a little better.
Why don't I give it a shot? - Whatcha doing? - Okay, where are they? It's 30 minutes past curfew.
Actually, it's 32.
If there is a single scratch on that car I mean, after all the time that I spent restoring that thing Remember when you spent The entire day on the internet Trying to find A new gearshift knob? Worst anniversary ever.
I cannot believe That you did this to me.
I know.
That car is your baby.
If only there was something I felt that intensely about.
Wait! There is My actual babies.
You think I don't care About our boys? I know you love them, But sometimes you find them So cool and entertaining, You forget to parent them.
No, listen.
This is important.
When they were little And they'd act out, And we'd always say, "Relax! They're young.
" "When they're older, They'll get it.
" Tom, they're 16 now.
Not getting it.
We have a lot of work to do In a very short time, And if you and I aren't in sync, I'm afraid It's not gonna happen.
Hey, sorry we're late.
Yeah.
But, dad, You have to hear this story.
We just pulled up At an intersection, And there were These two hot girls I don't want to hear it.
You ever hear of a thing Called a cell phone? We're only, like, 35 minutes late.
During which time your mother and I have been worried sick.
- But, dad - You broke the rules.
There are consequences.
You're both grounded For a month.
This sucks! You're only doing this 'cause you were worried About your precious car.
You think? Get out of the way.
Any other opinions You'd like to share? Thank you.
But you didn't have to that mirror was scratched.
I already ordered A new one.
Mrs.
McCluskey! You're still alive! It's nice to see you, too, Edie.
This is my husband, Dave Williams.
So how did you two meet? You run a free clinic or something? - I'm sorry.
Who are you? - Karen Mccluskey, - Edie's best friend on the street.
- It's a real pleasure to meet you.
What are you doing here? - I just need to talk to you.
- Not here.
Go home.
I'll call you.
- When? - I don't know.
Later.
Just go.
I have to say, ladies, This is quite a shindig.
I'm glad you're enjoying yourself.
There's really not a lot of people Who go to this much trouble To say they're sorry.
- Excuse me? - Well, the party.
It's just a beautiful way to apologize.
This is not a "we're sorry" party.
This is a "we forgive you" party.
You forgive me? I think what Gaby means is You were fairly awful to us Right before you left, And this is our way Of welcoming you back To hopefully not do it again.
You gotta be kidding.
You froze me out.
You threatened to ruin my business, And you ran me out of town.
Now it's taken me five years To stop hating you.
Great party, ladies.
Thank you very much.
Now mind if I steal my wife? Sweetheart? Isn't that your painter? I wanna be your boyfriend Is it? I can't tell.
Sweet little girl I wanna be your boyfriend Do you love me, babe? - Excuse me.
- It's okay.
What do you say? Didn't they pay the bill? All right.
Calm down.
I'll take care of it.
You, come with me.
Why would you humiliate me In front of my friends? Are you a lunatic? I-I'm just trying To get through to you.
And, yeah, it's making me kinda crazy.
Why can't I meet your friends? I mean, am I really That horrible? No, of course not.
My friends would love you.
Then what is the problem? The problem is, If you meet my friends, Then we're in a relationship, And I can't be In a relationship right now.
But I promise, I'll make you very happy.
Maybe I don't deserve To be happy.
A few years ago there was this car accident a bad one.
Take the high road? Did you hear what Those smug bitches said to me? Edie, it's important These people like us.
It's our home now.
I never should've let you Talk me into moving back here.
Why? Why were you So gung ho on Wisteria lane? Listen to your husband.
We can be happy here, But we need these people To like us.
Why? It'll just Make everything easier.
That was an accident.
You can't feel guilty about it.
You know what, Jackson? You're not gonna say anything I haven't already heard a million times.
I only told you Because I I just want you to understand why I can't let you in my life.
Do you mind if I hang out For the next few months And see if You change your mind? Yeah, I guess I could handle that.
Why don't you go have fun with your friends? And just call me When you're free.
Please, Danielle.
You have no right to take him.
I have every right.
He's my kid.
We agreed I would raise him.
We agreed It would be best! You said it would be best! I'vehad no say in anything! But I am married now, And Leo's a lawyer.
So do yourself a favor And don't try to fight this! Please, we can have Any arrangement you like.
Please, just don't take him! For God sakes, Orson's gone.
You kids are grown.
Benjamin's all I have! You're just gonna have to find something else.
Honey, come to bed.
It's after 2:00.
The cooking show Agreed to redo my segment.
I wanna make sure It's perfect this time.
Well, I won't tell you How to run your business.
It's your baby.
Yes, it is.
- M.
J.
Ready? - He's upstairs waiting for you.
I told you the brakes were squeaking.
I asked you to get them checked.
And I checked 'em! I meant a mechanic Not you.
It was not the brakes.
If it had been, It wouldn't have mattered.
- They crashed into us! - And we killed them, Mike! We didn't kill them! They died.
They were a mother and a child.
She was a mother, just like me With a child just like ours.
And if it weren't for us, They would still be alive.
Yeah, we have been Over and over this, Susan.
It's It's like You want to suffer.
It's like you don't care at all, Like you feel nothing For those people.
I can't do this again! I just can't! Did you pack your dinosaur book So you can read it with your daddy? - Sure did.
- Good.
Okay, you have fun, sweetie.
So, I'll probably bring him Back sunday around 6:00 or so.
Fine.
Have a good weekend.
Doing anything special? I've sort of start seeing someone.
So I might do something With him.
Good for you.
It goes by so quickly.
In a flash, the life we knew Is gone forever.
And we're left To ask ourselves how could he have left me? When did my beauty Start to fade? Why has my friend changed? Was I the best mother I could have been? Of course, There are some people Who understand How quickly time passes.
That's why they're so determined To get what they want Before it's too late.
Dr.
Heller.
I've been meaning to call you.
Yeah, I was getting concerned.
You're required To check in once a month.
It was a condition Of your release.
Come on.
That was a year ago.
But to be honest, The meds are working so well, I kinda forgot about you.
No offense.
Dave, once a month.
Not optional.
Message received, doc.
But seriously, you don't need To worry about me.
I'm great.
I'll talk to you In a month.
Just tell me.
What are the magic words that I've gotta say so you will let me out of here? Dave, you've been here six weeks, And you don't seem any closer To coming to terms with your rage.
I've come to terms with it, And I like it just the way it is.
The charges were dropped Because you agreed to put yourself In a doctor's care.
I'm not going to authorize your release Until I see some real progress.
What's progress supposed To look like to you, doc? I mean, should I just plaster Some fake smile on my face And pretend this thing that's inside me isn't eatin'me alive? 'Cause I can do that If you want.
I need to make sure you're not a danger To yourself or to others.
Listen, I've never been A danger to myself.
And as far as the others Are concerned, There's only one person Who should be worried.