Family Guy s05e01 Episode Script

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy We interrupt this program with a special report.
Quahog is seeing its worst flu epidemic in years, due in part to a severe shortage of flu shots.
Let's go live to Asian flu correspondent, Tricia Takanawa, Tricia? Diane, I'm Thank you, Tricia.
We now return you to Robin, Boy Wonder.
- Help! - Help us! Oh, my God! Hey, don't worry.
I'm here.
- Robin? They sent you? - Yeah.
Everyone else was busy, so they sent me.
What the hell are you gonna do? You don't have any superpowers.
I got a cell phone.
Oh, no bars.
- All right, who's next for a flu shot? - Oh, that's me.
I'm Peter Griffin.
Mr.
Griffin, these flu shots are in short supply.
We need to save them for the elderly.
Like these folks here.
Oh.
Okay.
Well, I guess I'll be heading out then and Oh, look at that.
Oh, well, since it's already in there, you might as well push down on the old plunger there.
You're a monster.
You know what was a monster? Frampton Comes Alive, 1976.
Is there anyone you knew who didn't have that record? I don't think so.
All right, have a good winter.
Very well, Mr.
Griffin, you got your flu shot.
Now, if you'll just sign here.
- Well, this is odd.
- What? Well, you're 42 years old and it says here you've never had a prostate exam.
No, but I've had other exams.
Like that one in college.
Damn it, this is too hard! Here's what I think of your test, Mr.
Teacher.
You just stood up to me.
Congratulations.
That was the test.
Heaven helps the man who fights his fear Yeah! Okay, heart sounds good.
All right, Mr.
Griffin, I'm just going to need you to drop your pants, and we'll check your prostate.
What? Drop your pants, turn around, and lean forward.
Okay.
So, how's this work, you just feel my pulse or - What the hell was that? - Mr.
Griffin, that's a prostate exam.
- Shut up! You had your finger in my ass! - That's how a prostate exam is performed.
- Now, if you'll just let me - Get away from me! Get a tan.
Peter, my God, you look terrible.
What happened? I was raped.
- What? - Dr.
Hartman violated me.
He took my innocence.
What? Peter, that's a prostate exam.
It's an important part of a physical for men your age.
You sound just like him! Fucking idiot.
Hey, Peter, buddy.
How about some TV, huh? We now return to Freddy Got Fingered.
Oh, God.
Ouch.
Oh, God.
Yellow Pages.
Let your fingers do the walking.
- Are we still going to the baseball game? - Get that away from me, Chris.
Stop it, Meg.
Peter, I'm trying to be supportive, but after all, it was just a prostate exam.
You weren't there, Lois.
You weren't there.
Who's that? Who are you? Where's Peter? Where is he? You're a whore.
Wear your whore makeup, you whore.
Is somebody in there? - Ocupado.
Filthy whore.
You're somebody's father, you filthy whore.
Hi, sweetie.
Look at her staring.
What are you looking at, huh? God, I should take her out right here with these, man.
Oh, hey, Lois.
Oh, you like staring? Oh, why don't I give you a closer look? Yeah, you want some of this, Maury Po'bitch? Oh, oh, what's that? Oh, you come back for more, huh? I'd freaking drop her ass.
Oh, an unfamiliar dog.
Why don't you go away? I don't want to be your friend.
Rupert! Oh, dear God, somebody help! Rupert! Give me that bear! Oh, honey, I'm afraid Rupert had a little injury.
Oh, Rupert, please live.
Please, I'll never be short with you again.
We'll go away.
We'll go to Hawaii.
Would you like that? I always envisioned how it would be.
I never knew there could be such a thing as a perfect day.
Don't frolic too much, Rupert.
Save some energy for the hula contest.
Stewie, I have a surprise for you.
Good as new.
Rupert! It's really him.
I don't believe it.
You You did this for me? And to help you feel better, I made your favorite dinner.
Cut green beans.
Atkins-friendly potato sticks arranged according to size from largest to smallest, and a Scooby-Doo yogurt with Shaggy's eyes scratched out.
Oh, it's perfect down to the last detail.
Lois, I was wrong about you.
You're You're my everything.
Mommy loves you, sweetheart.
Stewie loves Lois.
- Brian loves Olympia Dukakis.
- Oh, yeah, I do.
Peter, what's the matter with you today? You're not yourself.
Guys, I went to Dr.
Hartman yesterday, and he did things to my fanny.
Peter, it's okay.
It's not okay.
You don't know what it's like.
You're wrong.
I, too, have felt the cold finger of injustice on my insidey parts.
He He did it to you, too? I have something to say.
Dr.
Hartman violated me, as well.
I only went in there for a physical/ guinea pig removal, but I turned out to be the guinea pig for his sexual experimentation.
You guys are a bunch of queers.
And so am I! Oh, God, it was horrible! I scrubbed, and I scrubbed, but damn it, they don't make water hot enough! My God, we've all been victims of Dr.
Hartman's "prostate exam.
" Well, gentlemen, the abuse stops here.
I will not turn a brown eye to this.
I am going to sue that bastard and make him pay out the ass.
No ifs, ands, or buts.
I'm going to be really anal about this.
Sphincter.
Good morning, Lois.
My, Stewie, you're in a good mood today.
Well, why shouldn't I be? You saved Rupert's life, and I love you for it.
So, warn the villagers.
Here comes the cuddle monster.
Oh, Lois, your breasts are great.
Well, good morning, Mr.
Nipple.
Hey, there.
Must be cold in here.
What do you say we move south a little bit? There we go.
Oh, you are so ready.
Peter, you're going to sue Dr.
Hartman? You can't do that, all he did was give you a prostate exam.
Are you saying I asked for this to happen? You know, Dad, there's this lawyer at the mall who says he'll take any case, no matter how frivolous.
Yeah, yeah, and they also have an Orange Julius.
Just Just trying to keep the conversation going.
Well, whatever happens, I'm not going to stand for this.
Too many people get away with injustice.
Like the folks you meet in those Louisiana swamps.
Excuse me, do you know how to get to town? Yeah, it's back the way you came.
I love you, Lois.
You know that, right? Just in case, I'll say it again.
I love you.
Oh, you are just so cute, sweetie.
Look at that little foot.
I'm gonna eat that foot.
Give me that foot, it looks delicious.
Don't Don't eat my foot.
Oh, God.
Oh, it is so hard to find funny women, and you are hilarious.
Oh, you're like a female Bonnie Hunt.
Sit right there, honey.
Mommy will go get Rupert so he can eat with you.
Oh, God.
Thoughtful.
Oh, hey, Lois, I made coffee if you want some.
Oh, thank you, Brian.
That'd be nice.
Hey, Brian, listen, I've got a favor to ask.
Could you - Could you not talk to Lois anymore? - What? You know, it's just I'm tired of you hitting on her.
That's all.
It's I mean, it's not cool.
I was just making coffee.
I didn't hit on her.
Besides, Lois is my friend.
I'll do whatever the hell I want.
I'm asking you nicely, Brian.
- Stop hitting on her.
- That's ridiculous.
- I see the way you look at her - Just 'cause you're a mama's boy stop! Lois is my queen, man.
- Kissing up to her, monopolizing her - Keep hitting on my woman - You know what, fine! I do hit on Lois! And another What? Sorry, I fell asleep watching Sabado Gigante last night.
Lois, you know what we should do right now? We should play restaurant with my Play-Doh.
I'll make you a hamburger.
Perhaps I'll make it blue.
Oh, can you imagine such a world? Uh, Stewie, I love you, but you're wearing Mommy out.
Now, it's time for bed.
Hey, Lois, I have a secret for you.
You're awesome.
Our top story, a local woman loses her sex drive after a $125 dinner at Alfredo's.
But first in medical news, Dr.
Elmer Hartman, beloved family doctor to all of Quahog, is the target of a molestation lawsuit.
The trial is set to begin tomorrow.
We now return you to Native American What's Happening! - Hey, Rerun, you see Dwayne? - Not today.
- Oh, here he come.
- How, how, how.
Peter, I don't know how much more I can take.
Stewie used to be so independent, but now he just clings to me night and day.
I'm exhausted.
Oh, look at me, I'm Lois.
The sun revolves around me.
I'm the one who's got to go to court tomorrow.
Peter, isn't there anything I can do to talk you out of this lawsuit? Hey, I was violated sexually, and that man is going to pay.
And I suppose it wouldn't matter if I told you for the 50th time that it's a legitimate medical procedure to test for cancer.
Lois? Lois? Lois? Lois? Lois? Lois? Mom? Mom? Mom? Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? Mama? Mama? Mama? Ma? Ma? Ma? Ma? Mum? Mum? Mum? Mum? Mummy? Mummy? Mama? Mama? Mama? - What? - Hi.
Is it not true that you went to see Dr.
Hartman for a simple prostate exam? No, I went for a flu shot.
At first, I thought he was nice and that he was kind of handsome.
I trusted him, and then he told me to bend over.
And then, I just felt like something was wrong.
I tried to get him to stop, but he kept saying, "Relax, I'm a doctor.
" - This is ridiculous.
That never happened.
- Sit down, you rapist! Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm supposed to wait until I've heard everything.
- Go ahead, Mr.
Griffin.
- And that's when things got bad.
He made me feel so dirty.
Relax, I'm a doctor.
Your Honor, I can't believe you're even listening to this.
For God's sake, you're a patient of mine.
I gave you a prostate exam last year, don't you remember? Come to think of it, I remember it as a pretty standard exam.
Are you sure, Judge? Are you sure it wasn't all evil and grainy and black and white? Think about it.
Relax.
I be a doctor.
Guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty! Dr.
Hartman, your medical license is hereby revoked.
That's outrageous! God, I've looked forward to this moment more than the second coming of Jesus.
Okay, everybody, I know you were expecting something else, but as science will tell you, people were a lot shorter 2,000 years ago, so let's try to be adult about this.
Uh, no snickering and Hey, that's exactly what I'm talking about.
Okay, so if we can all be mature Give me the gum.
We can all get through this a lot faster.
I have so much fun when we hang out, Lois, and I love your hair.
We should make up a name for your hair color.
We could call it, like, strawberry sunset or ginger maiden, or one of those hair color names that's a random noun, like temptress.
Oh, at some point, you have to let me braid it! Lois, what are you doing? Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
What's happening to me? I'm like that Texas woman who gave her son brain damage by holding him underwater.
I'm just like Barbara Bush! Brian, what kind of a mother has homicidal thoughts about her own baby? I'm a horrible person.
Lois, you're just exhausted.
Somehow, you've got to break Stewie of this new overdependence on you.
Well, it's worth a try.
Lois, I've got a surprise for you.
You and I are going to see Eddie Money! Two tickets, won them on the radio.
We're gonna have a ball.
God, he's like a totally different person.
Like Dr.
Jekyll and Mr.
Sulu.
Oh, no, I never should have drank those chemicals.
Hello.
Peter, congratulations on taking down that monster, Dr.
Hartman.
Yeah, what'd you do with your pain and suffering money? I got collagen.
Hey, Lois, want to make out? Yeah.
What do you think of new sexy-lips Peter? Yeah.
This is your life from now on.
Enjoy it, lucky wife.
I tell you, boys, this is a victory not just for my anus, but for anuses Oh, hang on, I got to go pee.
That's a lot better.
So, anyway, this is a Oh, I got to take a leak.
There we go.
Oh, pee time.
Peter, you're urinating unusually frequently.
Yeah, what gives? If it's gale-force peeing you be doing, it could mean you've got barnacles on your prostate.
Best have sick bay check below your decks.
Wait a minute.
Are you telling me I need a prostate exam? Aye, and soon, before your rudder jams with flotsam, and you're dropping anchor without an order from the Captain.
- How're you liking all these nautical puns? - Cute.
- Not bad.
- Somewhat entertaining.
My God, I'd better see a doctor.
But no doctor in town will see you after that lawsuit.
Well, then, I'll just find a doctor out of town.
Listen, I know I'm not a regular patient, but I think I have some trouble with my prostate.
So can you help me out, Dr.
McCoy? - What, so you can sue me, too? - Oh, come on, it'll only take a sec.
Forget it.
I'm a doctor, not a patsy.
Hello.
Lois, what are you doing? I want to sleep in your bed.
Oh, good night, honey.
I love you.
This is for your own good.
Lois, where are you going? Lois? Lois? Lois, answer me! Damn you, I will not be ignored! Get back in here! Get back in here and love me! Lois! Maybe I should go in.
He's so upset.
He's just being melodramatic.
You've got to ignore it if you really want to help him.
- Are you flexing? - What, me? No.
Why would I be flexing? I mean, I have sort of been hitting the gym, so if you wanted to see how it's going What am I going to do, Seamus? Dr.
Hartman is my only hope, and there's no way he's going to see me.
Well, you best come up with something, Peter.
Otherwise, this will happen to your prostate.
You just carry a picture of a diseased prostate around with you? Never know when it's going to come up in conversation, and then who's the one who's prepared? I've also got a map of Middle-earth, a cat doing a pull-up, and the guys from Primus.
These poster jokes doing anything for you? - Eh, hit and miss.
- We should hang out more.
I need her love.
I need her love, and she's ignoring me.
Well, let's see her try to ignore this.
Lois, help! I ate this whole jar of pills that look like candy and now I feel sick.
- You look like a jackass.
- Can't hear you, Brian.
I'm dead.
All right.
What did you do? Oh, that is so not cool.
Mommy, I'm dying! I'm dying! I said I'm dying! Hey, I'm dying up here.
What is this? A Tommy Lee pool party? Come on, Lois, get with Oh, my God.
Stewie, are you all right? Oh, my sweet baby.
And to think I ignored your cries for attention.
I'm so sorry, honey.
Never again, Stewie.
I'm going to give you all the love you could ever want.
Forget it, you neglectful, swag-bellied measle.
You had your chance and you blew it.
Well, now you're too late.
I hope they charge you with child abuse for my broken arm.
I'll testify against you, just like I did against Michael Jackson.
Stewie, did Mr.
Jackson behave inappropriately toward you? Well, yes, but the worst part was he never called back.
No, but in all seriousness, yeah, he was actually pretty aggressive.
Package for Dr.
Hartman.
- All right, where's the package? - Here it is.
So why don't you go ahead and open it up and reach on in there? It's probably cookies or something.
Wait a minute, there's something strange about this.
I wasn't expecting any package.
- Who are you? Griffin! - You got to help me, Dr.
Hartman.
I think there may actually be something wrong with my prostate.
Well, don't look at me.
I lost my license, thanks to you.
Look, I know what I did was wrong, but you're the only one I can turn to.
So, I'm asking you, as a man with no more options, will you take a look in my ass? Despite everything that's happened, I suppose I can't ignore my Hippocratic oath.
All right, drop your pants.
Oh, well, this is nothing, just a little swelling.
Probably a minor infection.
Looks like there's some blockage.
- What the devil is that? Hello.
Dr.
Hartman, your license is hereby reinstated.
Oh, I'm so glad you two worked things out.
And to think I actually thought you raped me.
Well, I was going to, but you ran out of the room.
What? Family Guy was recorded on tape before a live audience.