Home Improvement s05e01 Episode Script

- Hi, guys.
- Hi, Mom.
- Hi, Mom.
- Hi, Mom.
I picked up my suit for the wedding.
Now I have to figure out what you guys will wear.
We'd be wearing a big smile if we didn't have to go.
I'm the only sister who can come.
We have to represent the Patterson girls.
A lifelong dream of mine.
- Oh, come on.
It's gonna be fun.
- It's gonna be torture.
We'll be near one of the best water-skiing lakes, and we'll be stuck with our boring relatives the whole time.
My relatives aren't boring! They're odd.
But that's what makes them fun.
What sounds like more fun? Water skiing or watching Aunt Edna take out her teeth? They're both fun.
If we can fit in any vacation while we're up in Traverse City, great.
But your father and I agreed that this trip is about my cousin's wedding.
Hey! Hey, guys! - All right! - Cool Boogie Boards! - What is all that? - Stuff I borrowed for the wedding.
And do you plan to use the Boogie Board for the ceremony or the reception? I'll just wait to see what everyone else is doing.
Wow! This is gonna be a really cool wedding.
Not only that, Al's going up to Wilson's cabin.
He's gonna fly-fish.
We can join them.
If there's time, water skiing and off-roading.
- Rad! - Cool! Offroading would be awesome.
There's not gonna be any time for all that.
Here, guys.
You do this.
How long does a wedding take? It's "I do," "I do," cut the cake, we're on the lake.
There's not just the wedding.
We got the family barbecue, rehearsal dinner, rehearsal.
And don't forget Aunt Edna's surprise birthday brunch.
I'm not gonna miss any of the family events.
I am really looking forward to Carol and Tom's wedding.
Lisa and Jeff.
I'm looking forward to their wedding, too.
Tim.
do you have to drive so fast? I just want to make sure I don't miss one minute of that arrival dinner Yeah.
right What activity are you trying to sueeze in before the dinner? - Water-skiing? - Absolutely not We're going fly-fishing - Oh, isn't this cute? - It's real cute.
Yeah.
- Look.
They gave us fruit.
- Cute fruit.
Boys, your room is through here.
Hurry up.
That last pit stop of your mom's cost us, like, 12 minutes.
Excuse me.
I just didn't feel comfortable using a coffee can at 55 miles per hour.
That's too bad.
That's one of the perks of driving by car.
I'll try to remember that next time.
- You don't want to go fly-fishing with us? - I gotta work on that poem for the wedding.
All right.
- Tim? - Huh? Hi! - It's great to see you again.
- It is.
- You don't know who I am, do you? - No, I don't.
I'm Bonnie, Jill's second cousin.
Uncle Tubby's daughter? Oh, yeah.
Gosh, how is Uncle Tubby doing? He's been dead for ten years.
So he's doing the same then, isn't he? Right.
Anyway, some good news.
I just put together an early arrival cocktail party.
- Doesn't that sound like just too much fun? - Oh, way too much! - I don't think we can make it.
- Hi.
- Jill! - We'll be there.
Great.
It's at five o'clock.
I'll see you there.
- OK - Five o'clock? Boys, hurry up.
We only have an hour and a half to go fly-fishing, thanks to Cousin Chubby.
- Ah, Wilson, this is the life, huh? - Mm-hmm.
- Guys communing with nature.
- Mm-hmm.
Getting away from the city and the clutches of a suffocating, domineering mother who won't allow her son to grow up! Let it go, Al.
Forget Mother.
Immerse yourself in the tranquility of the river.
You're right, Wilson.
It's so peaceful out here.
Why spoil it? All right, all right! Hey! We're finally here! All right, boys.
Fish fast.
We got 53 minutes, all right? Look, it's Al Al Bean.
What's the deal with these fish? We haven't had a single bite.
Dad, we've only been here seven minutes.
Hey, Wilson.
Can you show us how to do that forward cast? Certainly, lad.
You hold your rod at one o'clock, you end up at ten o'clock.
Dad, he said ten o'clock.
I didn't know he meant ten o'clock Eastern time.
Well, I see you're as adept at fly-fishing as you were at ice fishing.
I'll bet you 20 bucks I can catch more fish than you.
- You're on.
- Tim, Al, we're not here to compete.
We're here to achieve a higher consciousness.
He's right, Tim.
By creating a competition, we insult the spirit of the river.
I'm so sorry, river.
But you can help me out by burping up a couple of them fish, OK? Even accomplished fishermen can spend hours out here and not catch anything.
Hey, guys, I got one! Hi.
Hey.
It's good to see you all.
We did a little fly-fishing today.
And, boy, did we catch a lot of flies! Here we are, just like I promised, with 30 seconds to spare.
You should've taken that 30 seconds to shower.
Excuse me.
Aunt Edna, good to see you.
All right.
Don't hit me.
- Stop.
Tell her to stop hitting me.
- You're gonna hurt her.
Tim, why are you getting up so early? Come back to bed.
I got a lot of fun stuff to squeeze in today, and I can't waste time in bed with you.
"To my cousin Lisa on her wedding day " - Hey, Jill, I - Wait.
Shh.
"As the gentle wind kisses the morning dew " "Everything you say bounces off me and sticks to you.
" I'm just trying to help.
"To my cousin Lisa on her wedding day " Don't do it! Don't do it! Don't do it! Don't do it! What are the boys doing? They're getting their suits on.
We're going water-skiing.
- You're going skiing now? - Yeah.
The wedding's not for four hours.
Finish your poetry and we'll be back in time.
Oh, I am so sick of working on this poem.
I spent the last two hours trying to come up with a rhyme for "matrimony.
" It's easy - "schmatrimony.
" Thanks! Why didn't I think of that? If you're bored with this, come with us for a bit.
I'll let you drive the boat, you'll get a little color.
It sure would be fun to go out with you guys for a while.
- OK, I'll do it! - All right! I borrowed my buddy Tony's boat.
It's got that inboard big block V-8.
Tony's boat.
That's the one with the roller rockers and the supercharged 454? How did you know that? You cry it out in your sleep at least once a week.
Way to go, Brad! - Whoo! Great! - Of course he's great! He's my kid.
Good goin'! Hey! We're your kids, too.
How come we fall on our butts? Hey, I gave you the water-skiing gene.
What you do with it is your business.
Attaboy! - Way to go, Dad! - Yeah! Watch this! One more time around, OK? Whoo! - Way to go, Dad! - Yeah! Next time I'll show you guys what I can really do.
Whoo! - Mom, you're the only one that didn't ski.
- Mom can't water ski.
What do you mean? I used to be a great skier.
Tell 'em, Tim.
Yeah, used to be.
It's a little different than it is now.
- Really? What does that mean? - It's nothing to be ashamed of.
You used to be a good athlete.
Now you write poetry and go to weddings.
- All right, let's head back.
- Hey! We head back when I say we head back.
Hit it! Whoo! Yay, Mom! Yeah! Hey, look up there! Cool.
If we hurry up, we can get some parasailing in before the wedding.
Hey, Dad! Look out for the ramp! Tim! Jill, you don't want to be late for the wedding.
- Are you sure Mom's well enough to go? - She's fine, OK? I can't believe this.
I have a bandage on my nose, a sprained wrist, my knee is sore and my butt is completely black and blue! You got some color.
Do you think that's funny? Not if you don't.
There is no way that I can show my face at this wedding.
Ah, darn.
And we so wanted to go.
Do you think that's funny? Not if you don't.
I could never go to that party and enjoy myself knowing that my mother was back here suffering.
I know, it's not funny, Mom.
I know! Comb your hair and get your ties ready.
Honey, you've gotta go to this wedding.
Why do I have to go? I have a I have a million reasons.
It's your favorite cousin.
And you'd hate yourself forever if you didn't go.
Actually, I'd hate you.
I thought of that, too.
I'm really sorry I wasn't looking where I was going in the boat, OK? I cannot believe that I let you talk me into water-skiing.
You wanted to go.
If you'd let go of the rope, you wouldn't be hurt now.
- You actually think this is my fault? - Not if you don't.
Honey, you can't let some nicks and cuts and contusions stop you from going.
Heck, if I did that, I wouldn't go anywhere.
There is no way that I can get up in front of all of these people.
You look great.
And once you put your makeup on, no one's even gonna notice.
My makeup is on.
Looks quite natural.
Everybody's staring at me.
- No, they're not.
- Then who are they staring at? Who do you think? The star of Tool Time And now Lisa's cousin, Jill Taylor, has prepared a poem on the grace and sanctity of marriage.
- Go get 'em, honey.
- I'm not going up there.
- They're waiting for you.
Come on.
- Ow! Sorry, sorry, sorry.
- I don't want to do this.
- Go, go, go.
- Are you all right? - I'm fine.
I'm fine.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Um uh To my cousin Lisa on her wedding day.
"As a gentle wind kisses the morning dew " A little louder! We can't hear you! "As a gentle wind kisses the morning dew " Let me get I'll take I'll just move.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Ow! It's gonna be a long ride home.
Honey, you know it's true what they say: No matter how great the vacation, it's always good to be home, huh? Don't touch me.
Don't touch me.
Always good to be home.
Well, guys, I think there's something we can all learn from this.
Yeah, that a nose can be broken more than once in a day.
I don't think that's it.
Dad, Mom is never gonna forgive you for this one.
I'm just glad we got one great weekend in before everything came to a crashing end.
Yeah.
I had a lot of fun.
Sorry you're so dead, Dad.
I am not dead.
I've got a million ideas up here how to make this up to your mom.
Are any of them good? Not a one.
That's 454 at the Supercharged roller rockers.
Tony Hit it, Tony! That's 454 - Tim - 454 Tim Tony! Ton Honey, hi.
Boy, I was having a good dream.
What are you doing down here? You never came to bed.
I was afraid if I rolled over, I'd finish you off.
I feel bad that you got banged up this weekend.
Yeah, me too.
It would've been nice to show up at the wedding without any hairline fractures.
You wouldn't have got hurt at all if I weren't so obsessed with having fun.
Well, I gotta admit that's another thing that really made me mad.
You guys got to have all the fun.
Well, look.
I promise you, next family wedding we go to, we'll all have no fun together.
- What is all this stuff? - Oh.
Well, I wrote you a little poem.
Maybe maybe you'd like to listen to it before you start laughing at me.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
"I was going to buy you jewelry, and maybe some flowers.
"Instead, I stayed up till the wee morning hours, thinking about how lucky I am.
"Boy, I'm hungry.
I feel like ham.
"My selfishness I will try to conquer.
I'm sorry I bopped you on your honker.
"I'll love you forever, even when you're old.
If you don't like this poem, I've got the florist on hold.
" All right, Dad.
Now, remember: one o'clock, ten o'clock.
- One o'clock, ten o'clock.
- Let me have this thing.
You count, OK? What are you guys doing? Just practicing fly-fishing before church.
- Well, hurry up.
We're gonna be late.
- OK.
All right.
Just one more.
Tim!