King of the Hill s05e01 Episode Script

Rip by XhmikosR PEGGY: Okay, I just voted.
Could you see anything? Nope.
Nothing.
You could develop film in that booth.
That's right.
Peggy Hill's garage of democracy is gonna make those saps in Precinct 9 wish they'd never voted in that stinking firehouse.
Hey, Dad.
Can you give me and Luanne a ride to where Route 15 meets the 42? Why? There's nothing there but a huge empty lot.
Nuh-uh, Uncle Hank.
This week it's 20 acres of fun and one acre of craft.
At the Heimlich County Fair.
Well, Luanne, I wish you'd get this excited about voting in your first presidential election.
Now, did you send in those registration forms I gave you for your eighteenth birthday? No.
But that's okay.
I'll just vote for president next year.
[Sigh.]
Come on, Mom.
I am not leaving until this booth has proven to me that it is 100% confidential.
Okay.
How many fingers am I holding up? Peggy, there is absolutely no way you can see through that-- Three? I was just guessing.
Mom, can I have five tickets for fair food? I don't want them guessing my weight on an empty stomach.
I'm hungry, too.
Luanne, you should be hungry for democracy.
Um, no.
Yeah, I think I wanted the corn on a stick.
Luanne, in a few years that corn'll be gone.
But the thrill of voting lasts and lasts.
I still get goose pimples thinking about pulling the lever for Councilman Fred Everett.
Of course, then he betrayed me.
Now, go on and register.
The polls and the media have been ignoring my campaign.
But they're gonna have a little surprise come election day when long-shot candidate Ted T.
Ganaway moves out of his parents' house and into the White House! Hey, look.
A fringe candidate.
Poor confused bastard.
Well, you have to admire his dedication.
I mean, he's right here in the heart of what I like to call "Bush Country.
" Hello, friends.
You made eye contact.
Nice job, Hank.
You talk to him.
My name is Ted T.
Ganaway and I'm running for president.
Yeah.
Well my wife and I are pretty committed to George W.
Bush, you know.
And even if we weren't, well there's four or five candidates ahead of you.
Well, good luck with the campaign.
Governor George W.
Bush and Vice President Al Gore want you to focus on my hit-and-run conviction and not my sixteen-point plan for America.
Dad, I know it's not up your alley, but there's this pig named Mitch-- Let's go.
Welcome, folks.
Y'all ready for some world-class pig-diving? Now, before we meet our star, let's give a county-fair howdy to Mitch's Fishes.
Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the main event the real deal, the finest diver with four legs the Pork Louganis, Mitch the Amazing Diving Pig.
For his first dive, Mitch will perform the tula-hula a death-defying plunge through not one, not three but two hula hoops.
Yes! That was pretty good for a pig.
And now for our finale.
Mitch will dive through three rings of burning fire.
It is the most difficult dive known to man or pig: The Johnny Cash! You can do it, Mitch.
I love this pig! Nothing to worry about, folks.
Mitch is just hamming it up.
Where is he? Where is he? Somebody do something! Oh, God! Mitch! Bobby, no! That's pig water! Mitch is dead! Not this pig, not today.
Thank you, son.
You saved my boy's life.
- What's your name? - Bobby Hill.
Let's give a big hand to Bobby Hill the amazing pig-saving boy! Oh, God! How much money is it gonna take to get that film? Don't worry.
I'm not with the press.
I'm with the Bush-Cheney campaign.
And you must be the amazing pig-saving boy's father.
- Well.
I don't-- - This is just the kind of heroism the Governor loves to attach himself to.
Why don't you all come to his Get Out The Vote rally next week - as our guests? - Great.
Now, if you do a background check I'm Hank R.
Hill, not that Hank P.
Hill who doesn't pay his Discover Card bill.
Uncle Hank, I registered to vote.
Oh, terrific.
George W.
's gonna need every vote he can get or they won't call it a landslide.
George W.
? He's not a communist, is he? No, he's not.
Wait.
Here it is.
See, our candidate is Robert Parigi.
What? Communist? No! I guess I cancel your vote out.
My first election and your vote means nothing.
Long live the People's Revolution! HANK: What were you thinking? The Russians don't even believe in communism anymore.
You said you wanted me to vote.
You sure did, Hank.
Maybe Luanne has a good reason for throwing her vote away.
I've got several.
First, the line at his booth was the shortest.
I like his tie.
it's red.
And his shirt is white.
And his jacket is blue.
And that stands for America.
Communism! So I see you finally got Luanne involved in politics.
That's good The people united - Boo! - Commie, go home! Okay.
I just think if you don't read the newspaper and the only TV you watch is the MTV you shouldn't be allowed to vote.
Stop fighting the last war, Hank.
Women got the vote and there's nothing we can do about it.
Unless Unless what? I don't know.
You're a smart guy.
You'll figure something out.
[Doorbell ringing.]
I'll get it.
LUANNE: [In English accent.]
Good evening, mate.
May I trouble you for a word? HANK: Oh, Lord.
PEGGY: Who is it, Hank? The Manger Babies.
I'll get rid of them.
Cheerio.
I just wanted to tell you you should vote for Robert Parigi of the Communist Party USA for President, what-what.
You don't know the first thing about communism.
What's to know? Robert Parigi's got the cutest little ears and prettiest eyebrows.
So, can I tell Robert he can count on your vote? No, you cannot.
I hate communists.
All they do is boss people around.
Sounds like you, Uncle Hank.
Luanne, please go home before I tell you you're acting like an idiot and make you cry.
Hee-haw! You're a communist! Hee-haw! - No, I'm not! - Welcome to the party, mate.
Get that penguin back here.
I'm not done.
Hee-haw! Power to the people, comrade! Why, I say! You look good in red, Comrade Hill, what-what.
All right.
I gave you fair warning.
Luanne, you're acting like an idiot.
Oh, no! Uncle Hank, no.
Hank, I'm making cookies to serve on election day.
Which do you think tastes better? The Chips Ahoy heated up or the E.
L.
Fudge heated up? I don't know.
Well, where is Luanne? Well, I told her she was being an idiot and she ran off crying.
Oh, Hank.
Again? Well, she called me a communist in my own home.
She doesn't know what the heck she's talking about.
All right, Hank.
Luanne is Cinderella.
And she fell for the wrong prince.
You have to be her fairy godmother and introduce her to George W.
Bush.
Take her to the Bush rally, or as I like to call it, "the ball" and let George W.
put his issues or as I like to call them, "the glass slippers," on her feet.
I can't bring a communist to see the next president of the United States.
Hank, if Luanne is still a communist after hearing the greatest orator of our day then she really is a communist and then we really have a problem.
Hey, y'all.
How're y'all doing? He's even more handsome than his dad.
Well, Barbara's a handsome woman.
But, you know, it's his ideas that you'll find the most attractive.
I don't know.
He's really handsome.
Now, I don't want any of y'all to think Dick Cheney and I have this thing in the bag.
So, don't forget to vote on November 7.
I really like his smile.
And his tie.
Which is red.
I like red ties.
Luanne, stop looking at him.
Close your eyes and listen to the issues.
Wait till you hear him call for lower taxes and a stronger national defense.
I just gave away the end of his speech.
Wand a strong national defense.
God bless you and God bless the United States of America.
You know, you were right, Uncle Hank.
He's gonna cut my taxes and let me pray in junior college.
I think I will vote for him.
There you go.
Pig boy.
Pig heart-transplant boy or pig-saving boy? - I can't remember.
- I'll wing it.
Hey, there's Heimlich County's newest hero.
I was just in the right place at the right time, like any hero.
- Yeah.
And I'm the boy's dad.
- And I need your vote, partner.
Well, you've got it, Governor Bush.
[Quizzical instrumental music.]
- What's wrong, Hank? - Oh, my God! His handshake it's limp.
Did Bush's hand feel like a flounder? Or something softer, like a jellyfish? I don't want to talk about it.
Was it mushy and wet like a handful of egg salad? It was soft and damp.
Let's just leave it at that.
Was it a wriggler? Stop it.
All of you, stop it.
Stop it right now! This is dead serious.
I don't know what to do.
I thought I knew the man.
But the man I knew had a strong, firm grip.
I thought you only cared about the issues, Hank.
Well, yeah.
But a man's handshake is an issue.
It's Well, it's the character issue.
No.
Character is about having principles and not sleeping with the help and such.
But a wimpy handshake - now, that's just trivial, Hank.
- It's not trivial.
This man could be the next leader of the free world.
We're gonna have nut-job third-world dictators walking all over us when they find out our president doesn't have a strong enough finger to push the button.
That makes a lot of sense a lot of nonsense.
Why don't we choose the president by lottery like they choose the pope? Don't be ridiculous.
That's how Luanne would pick a president.
No dumber than a handshake.
Yup.
You and Luanne, two peas in a pod.
All voters are the same: simpleminded fools who think their vote makes a difference.
The system's broke, Hank.
The election baby has peed in the bathwater.
You gotta throw them both out.
It was a horrible, horrible, horrible handshake.
But, I don't know.
Come on, Hank.
Spend tomorrow not voting with me.
Every election day I go Christmas shopping.
All the suckers are at the polls.
The outlet malls are empty.
The parking lots are full, which I never understood.
I got a theory, but it involves the largest mirror in Texas.
No, no.
I've got to vote.
- So, you're voting for the other fellow? - I don't know.
All I know is if I don't vote, I won't get called for jury duty anymore.
Hank, honey, if you have to go into the garage, please walk on the stripes.
- The stars will not be dry until morning.
- Look, look.
Right there.
See that guy's reaction when Bush shakes his hand? Surprise then disappointment.
Sure.
But when I want to watch Scent of a Woman you don't even know how to work the VCR.
See, the guy's smiling, happy, on top of the world.
Then Bush shakes, there goes the man's face.
See? Surprise, then disappointment.
See that? Surprise, then disappointment.
Surprise, then disappointment.
Surprise, then disappointment.
Hank, honey, thanks for making your side of the bed this morning.
It saved me lots of time.
Hank? You know, with voter turnout at all-time lows not voting makes me more American.
The only thing more American than not voting is Egyptian cotton/linen irregulars at 40% off.
DALE: First stop, Wamsutta sheets.
Mrs.
Fedder, what time do you have? - A little before 7:00.
- I have 7:00.
It's still a little before 7:00.
On three, two, one, now.
Now! Hi, Peggy- First to vote, last to leave.
And the pockets are big enough for an umbrella.
Joseph will love it.
I look like a jackass.
Look at that.
Well, I'm ready to vote.
Where's Uncle Hank? I wanted us to vote at the same time.
He and Dale went down to that outlet mall.
You know, the one next door to Mexico.
Well, he'll be back before the polls close, won't he? Oh, no, no, no.
But that's okay.
Hank says he's not voting.
Smell this, Hank.
Does it smell like Boomhauer? Yeah, it smells like Boomhauer.
He's gonna love it.
[Pager beeping.]
This could be a propane emergency.
No.
Just Luanne or one oi her Manger Babies.
So, where to, Dale? Well, Nancy's been wanting an onyx chessboard and I know just the place.
I think Uncle Hank is dead! He didn't return my page.
Well, I am sure he's not dead, Luanne.
That number is for propane emergencies only.
Dale, this bridge goes into Mexico.
Did I make a wrong turn? All right.
Let me try to spin around.
Nope.
Not yet.
Now? Nope.
Oh, well, we're in Mexico.
What are you gonna do? Dang it, Dale.
Turn around up here.
No.
There is to be no deviation from the plan.
- What plan? - Oh, I'm sorry.
We're gonna spend the rest of the day in Mexico see how the election turns out.
If there's any problem, civil unrest, military coup we will remain in Mexico under assumed identities.
You are Fritz Krueger: wealthy Ecuadorian rancher.
And I am Central American singing sensation Lamotil.
You know I'm not Ecuadorian.
So why would I need Ecuadorian papers? You're already not voting.
You might as well give up your citizenship.
Believe me, Hank, if things go sour up north you'll be happy you're a non-naturalized resident alien in Mexico.
[Pager beeping.]
It's Rudy at Goobersmooches.
Now, believe me, this is serious.
He doesn't just call to chat.
We have nothing in common.
- Goobersmooches.
- Hudy.
7 No, it's Luanne Platter.
And it's not a propane emergency.
It's a "Why aren't you voting emergency?" Why aren't you voting? Because my candidate's handshake had no character.
But Hank's character is to vote anyways even if it's rainy, or your face is splotchy or your uncle made you cry, or your candidate's a dud.
It doesn't take any character to give up.
What do you know? You've never even voted.
Well, maybe I won't vote after all, since apparently it's not that important.
I think I'll go shopping, just like you did, Uncle Hank.
Because I don't need to vote, but I can always use a good pair of pants.
Luanne, I want you to meet me at our polling place.
And I'll give you the pants I just bought you for Christmas.
Dale, can I see your keys for a second? - Why? - It was supposed to be a surprise.
But I bought you a leather key chain at the Coach outlet and I wanted to make sure it fits.
When did you do that? When I was trying on underwear? Wait a minute.
You know I don't like key chains.
- What did you get me? A money clip? - Keep guessing.
DALE: Kenneth Cole shoes? A new spaghetti pot? A leather backpack? Something with leather? Come on.
Sir, do you know how fast you were going? Yeah.
Eighty-six miles per hour.
Now, would you mind writing this up fast? I've got to get home before the polls close.
I've got to vote.
You haven't voted? DALE: A Namby ice bucket? Cap snaffler? Total Gym? You made it! - How much time do we have? - One minute.
- I have two minutes.
- One minute.
- So, who'd you vote for, Hank? - No.
If he tells you, it won't come true.
[Patriotic instrumental music.]
Hello.
I'm Hank Hill from TV's King of the Hill.
And I'm Bobby Hill from TV's King of the Hill.
Welcome to what used to be my garage.
That's where I usually park my bike.
We're here to remind you to register to vote.
So go ahead, fill out your registration card and you'll be eligible to win these valuable prizes.
Freedom civic pride and a brand-new president.
DALE.
Was it a wriggler? Rip by XhmikosR