Mike & Molly s05e01 Episode Script

Previously on Mike & Molly Oh, I got in.
Well, what is going on with you? The Iowa Writers Workshop.
I've been accepted into their summer writing program.
Wait a minute.
Are you actually good at this writing thing? I'll be living my dream in Iowa for eight weeks.
How are you gonna ruin that, Peggy? Eight weeks? Does Mike know about all this? Damn it, you always find a way.
I have some exciting news.
More for her than you.
Shh! What is going on? I've been accepted into one of the most prestigious writing programs in the country.
Honey, that's great! In Iowa.
It's an opportunity of a lifetime.
Well, I'm sure it is.
I can't believe you did this whole deal without even talking to me about it.
Well, we're talking about it now.
No, you're telling me.
Talking about it would be, "Honey, I'm thinking about applying "for an out-of-state workshop for a couple months.
You okay with that?" Are you okay with that? Why didn't you tell me? Just figured I was never gonna get in.
I was too embarrassed to even talk about it.
Lady, you have no idea how great you are.
Smart and talented.
Huh? And you can do anything that you set that mind to.
Thank you.
I'm sorry I'm leaving you here with the lunatics.
The Taser's working, right? Yeah.
How long has Fido been waiting for his master? About an hour.
Ever since Molly called from Naperville when she stopped for gas.
He got so excited, I'm surprised he hasn't piddled.
What's that, boy? You hear something? Leave him alone.
This is the first time I've seen him on his hind legs since she left.
Poor thing.
He's been real sad without Molly.
Mm.
Celibacy will do that to a man.
That's why monks are so quiet.
If you're not getting any, what's there to talk about? He must have been a mute before he met Molly.
Oh, there were girls.
I mean, he'd lose a few pounds, get his heart broken, then come crawling back into the arms of his best gal.
The fact that his fridge isn't full of women's heads is a miracle.
She's here! She's here! There she is! Oh, my God, I missed you all so much! Oh, not as much as I missed you, because I have been here with them.
All right, leave some for the rest of us.
I missed this face.
Oh.
It felt like you were gone for months.
Yeah, I I actually was.
Oh, come here.
Come here.
Clear the way.
Step-papa coming through.
Oh! All right, all right.
How great does this feel? I ain't never letting go.
All right, let go.
Okay.
Peggy.
You look tired.
It's weird, but I actually missed that.
Come on, sit down, we want to hear all about the writing program.
All right, well, it was a doozy.
Well, for eight intense weeks, I was surrounded by brilliant novelists and poets and playwrights.
It sounds wonderful.
No, it was awful.
They hated my writing.
Oh, honey, I'm sorry.
No, don't be.
The more they hated it, the more it drove me.
I dug deep, I found my voice.
I bet you have a beautiful voice.
No.
Turns out my voice has the mouth of a sailor.
Dirty? Filthy.
I know I've written some racy short stories in the past, but this new stuff takes the cake.
Actually, in the second chapter, I wrote this thing with cake.
It's disgusting.
She gets it from me.
You know, you never think they're listening, but they're little sponges.
You know, I mean, it started out so innocently enough.
You know, just kind of a romantic little story about two lonely people who meet in Chicago, and Aw, that's us.
Oh, God, no.
No? No! No, we are nothing like these animals.
No morals, no boundaries.
Just two people who are willing to stop at nothing until they satisfy their carnal desires.
Ooh, that's a spicy blurb.
Well, you know what? That's what the publisher said when he bought my book! The school the school sent out samples, and out of the piles of pretentious fire, my hot, throbbing phoenix rose! You sold a book! I sold a book! Son of a bitch! La, la-ba-dee-da La, la-ba-dee-da For the first time in my life I see love I see love For the first time in my life I see love Ooh! That was worth the wait.
So, uh can I see it again? I already showed it to you.
Come on.
I like looking at it.
God, you're insatiable.
Oh! Wow.
Unreal.
Oh, it's real.
Now I just have to actually finish writing the book.
They paid you before you finished? Tried that with a plumber once.
Never again.
Unbelievable.
I know.
You know, when you quit teaching to become a writer, I-I got to admit I'm not gonna admit.
No, tell me, tell me.
Well, it's just I've always known that you were talented, but, like, you know, pay-for-groceries talented.
Not kiss-my-ass-Citibank talented.
I know.
I didn't think I could do it, either.
Really? Oh, yeah.
I felt like a total fraud since day one.
Thank God we never talked about this honestly.
Yeah, or else we wouldn't have this, huh? Well, here's to us both pretending we believed in me.
To love, honor and deceive.
You know I couldn't have done this without you.
What are you talking about? I mean, I mean, sure, I was your sexual muse.
No.
I'm talking about you supporting me, even when this whole writing thing just seemed like a stupid pipe dream.
Yeah, I do come out of this smelling pretty good, don't I? Like a big, handsome daisy.
You think you could look at me the way you're looking at that check? Gladly.
You ready for the sequel? You got another one in you? We'll let the critics decide.
Oh, writer in session.
I was gonna get a snack.
Should I come back later? No, it's fine.
Can I make you a snack? Nope.
Tea? I'm good.
Is the lighting okay in here? You want a floor lamp? Vince?! Mom! I'm fine.
I'm fine.
Okay.
Okay.
I just want to make sure my little golden goose has a nice nest to write in.
I'm still the exact same person I was before.
I just have a little bit more money.
A lot more money.
Which, in America, makes you better than everybody else.
Oh, my Lord! Mol, this book The stuff at the farm? Guess when you introduce a milking machine in chapter one, you got to use it.
I still can't believe you went off to this fancy writing program and came out with porno gold.
It's not porno.
It's an exploration of sexuality for the everyday woman who doesn't get to see herself reflected in an adult romance novel.
Molly.
It's not porno.
It's empowering.
It's saying that all women deserve to experience physical intimacy and explore their deepest, darkest fantasies.
Molly All right, it's a little porno, but I mean, it's written well, and-and there's some good life lessons in there, you know, between the orgies.
Hey, you want to make this a best-seller? Laminate it, so a lady can read it in the tub.
You know what? That's actually not a bad idea.
Hey, what do you say we go out and celebrate, and spend some of this dirty money? Mmm, that's sounds good.
I'll Saran Wrap this and finish it in the bath later.
Oh, did you decide who's gonna play you in the movie? Once again, the character is not me.
I don't know.
Probably Renée Zellweger.
I'm telling you, Carl, you can't imagine the relief I felt last night.
Well, sure.
Your wife was gone for eight weeks.
And you had quite a full sack there, Santa.
Not that.
Oh.
I'm talking about the money.
Molly's advance almost gets us completely out of debt.
Almost? That was a hell of a check.
What kind of hole did you dig yourself into? Not my hole.
Hers.
We walked down the aisle, and I fell right into it.
Hey, did you hear? Molly sold her book.
No.
Yup.
Big advance and everything.
You know what this means? Yeah, I can eat in a better restaurant.
It means the American Dream is still alive.
If a humble schoolteacher like Molly can achieve success, there's hope for a struggling artist like me.
Yeah, top me off, Picasso.
I'm serious.
This inspires me to keep pursuing my dream of becoming a famous stand-up comedian with my own TV show.
On cable, of course.
That's where all the good stuff is done.
Hopefully you'll be able to fill a comedy club better than you can a coffee mug.
You really think I left Senegal in the wheel well of a cargo jet to serve you losers crappy food? He changes the story about how he got to America every time he tells it.
Yeah, I like the one where he was on the boat with the tiger.
Mm-hmm.
What is going on out there? I don't know.
Is it the Puerto Rican Day Parade already? Surprise! God bless America.
What did you do? I bought us a brand-new car! This Dodge Challenger comes fully-equipped with a heated steering wheel and illuminated cup holders.
What? You bought a car? Cash money, honey.
The ladies and I were out to lunch Had a few cocktails.
"Obvi.
" I was just trying to think of a way to say thank you for being so amazing this last year.
And I looked out the restaurant window, and I see this little orange dream sitting here and I started picturing my baby getting into this baby, and I thought, "Oh, baby.
" You bought a car.
I bought a car.
Knock it off.
We don't need a car.
I've got the Mitsubishi.
Well, just put it out on the lawn, like you did the couch.
Somebody's going to take it.
Why didn't you talk to me about this? Because you would've said we should use the money to pay down our debt.
We should use the money to pay down our debt.
- See? Mike, I was trying - Oh.
To do something nice for you that you wouldn't do for yourself.
Come on, sit in it.
No.
Come on, sit in it.
No.
I'll sit in it.
No! Nobody is sitting in this car except Molly to take it back.
I'm not taking it back.
You're taking this back.
Mike, don't be a jerk.
I love you.
Take the damn car.
Molly, I love you, too.
Don't be stupid.
Take it back.
Hey, we don't use the "S" word.
You called me a "J.
" Well, you're lucky I didn't call you an "A-H"" Guys, guys, stop before you spell something you're gonna regret.
I got news for you, pal.
I'm gonna keep succeeding and I'm going to keep buying stupid stuff.
So you either get on this train or get out of the way.
All aboard, ladies.
And yeah, I know I'm getting into a car while using a train metaphor, but frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.
Yeah, I'm quoting Gone with the Wind.
And if you don't like it, you can kiss my grits.
Don't you think you're going a little fast, sweetie? Who the hell doesn't jump up and down when they get a new car? In Mike's defense, I've never seen him jump.
Oh, I walked in on him naked in the bathroom once.
He caught some air.
You know, I worked too hard to take this car back.
I deserve satellite radio and a heated steering wheel.
Actually, my fingers are frying.
Just turn-turn it off.
Turn it off.
You know, now that I'm losing my buzz, this does seem like a pretty big purchase.
Are you saying I should take this back? Or go get another drink.
I I got a book deal.
How am I supposed to rub a zero-balance credit card statement in people's faces? You don't need to rub anything in anybody's face.
She did in chapter three.
Speed bump! Hey.
Hello, dummy.
What's your problem? On behalf of every man in this country, I should kick you in the potatoes.
Good luck.
They've already been peeled and mashed.
She wanted to give you a car.
Why couldn't you just take it like a good little husband? Because I can buy my own car.
Number one no, you can't.
Number two no, you can't.
Look, it's not right, okay? I'm supposed to shower her with gifts, not vice versa.
It's like that Ferris wheel sex scene in her book everything's backwards and upside down.
What the hell's wrong with you? Women want to be the man? Let 'em.
They can pull out my chair, open my door.
Put their coat on my bare shoulders when it's cold.
Your shoulders don't need a coat they need a comb.
As far as I'm concerned, broads can have the power, and all the crap that goes with it hair loss, hypertension, prostate problems.
Women don't have prostates.
Give 'em time.
Then sit back and relax.
They'll die ten years before us, and we'll be the ones who are able to walk around the mall in big red hats, spending their life insurance policies.
That's the world I want to live in.
Well, if it includes you in a red hat with bare shoulders, I'm going to stay here with my swollen prostate.
So what if you're a little rusty around the edges.
You still got a couple of good years left, don't you, girl? Kill me.
Kill me.
That's very funny.
So, how's the old bucket of bolts doing? If you remember correctly, this bucket of bolts was good enough for you when we first started dating.
No, I hated it from the beginning.
I was just being polite.
I was trying to get in your pants.
You kidding? You could have said you hated the Bulls, Bears, Cubs and cops, these pants were gettin' got into.
I got you something.
What's this? It's a little less flashy tribute to my supportive husband.
Tube socks! Gold toe.
Gold toe.
Nice.
You forgive me? Molly, you bought a car without even talking to me.
Honey, it was a bad-ass car.
But it was the wrong thing to do, and I'm sorry.
Thank you.
I know you're this big fancy writer now, making all this money but you buying that car without me made me feel superfluous.
"Superfluous"? I read it in your book.
I had to look it up.
Mike, you could never be superfluous.
I I will always need you.
Good.
I used it right.
So, you read my book? Of course I did.
Well what'd you think? I think that in between all the orgies, you got some really good stuff in there.
You get me.
You really get me.
You want to follow me back to the dealer, 'cause I'm going to take that car back.
Yes.
I know it doesn't feel good, but deep down, you know it's the smart choice.
Well, smart sucks.
I love you, too.
Come on.
Come on! Hey! There you go! See? We don't need a new car.
Call Mike.
Your number is being dialed.
Oh, God, we could've been such good friends.
- Hello? - Where are you? I'm a couple blocks from the house.
Where are you? I'm almost to the expressway.
For God sakes, how fast are you going? I don't know.
Not very Ooh, almost 80.
Whoa! God, it's so smooth.
I'll slow down.
Okay, hang on.
Okay, I-I see you.
I'll be there in a minute.
All right, first one to the dealership wins.
No, I don't want to race.
Come on, I'll keep it in first.
Molly Here we go.
All right, damn it.
Okay, old girl, let's show her what we can do.
Oh, boy.
Ooh, careful.
Looks like a car's caught fire back there.
Yeah, that jackass is blocking traffic.
I'll meet you at the dealership.
Yeah, yeah! Go around!