Queer as Folk s05e01 Episode Script

SONG: # One, two, three, four, five, six, take it down! SONG: # One, two, three, four, five, six, take it down! 'CUE THE PULSE TO BEGIN' BY BURNSIDE PROJECT PLAYS 'CUE THE PULSE TO BEGIN' BY BURNSIDE PROJECT PLAYS # Cue the pulse to begin # Cue the pulse to begin # Cue the pulse to begin # Cue the pulse to begin # Cue the pulse to begin # Cue the pulse to begin # Cue the pulse to begin.
# # Cue the pulse to begin.
# MAN: In a world of shadow, where the undead stalk the night, MAN: In a world of shadow, where the undead stalk the night, Rage and Zephyr struggle to escape the land of the clones.
Rage and Zephyr struggle to escape the land of the clones.
DRAMATIC MUSIC DRAMATIC MUSIC TECHNO MUSIC PLAYS TECHNO MUSIC PLAYS You know what amazes me? What? You know what amazes me? What? Outside, a child is born, a man dies, a couple gets married.
Outside, a child is born, a man dies, a couple gets married.
The ever-changing kaleidoscope of life.
The ever-changing kaleidoscope of life.
(Snorts and groans) (Snorts and groans) In herenothing changes.
In herenothing changes.
Everything's the same - the same hot guys, the same thumpa-thumpa, Everything's the same - the same hot guys, the same thumpa-thumpa, the same shaved chests.
the same shaved chests.
Hmm.
Mmm.
And what a comfort it is to know.
Hmm.
Mmm.
And what a comfort it is to know.
But it's all a lie, an illusion.
Just cheap theatrics.
But it's all a lie, an illusion.
Just cheap theatrics.
Nevertheless, let's keep dancing.
Nevertheless, let's keep dancing.
I promised Ben I'd be home by midnight.
I promised Ben I'd be home by midnight.
Oh, pathetic! Oh, pathetic! Well, be sure to thank your husband for me Well, be sure to thank your husband for me for allowing you to come out and play with your poor, lonely friend.
for allowing you to come out and play with your poor, lonely friend.
I notice you left out 'old'.
I notice you left out 'old'.
Well, you'll be a lot less lonely Well, you'll be a lot less lonely when you're reunited with your beloved.
when you're reunited with your beloved.
Hey, you better not say anything.
Hey, you better not say anything.
When have I ever? When have I ever? Fine, never mind.
Fine, never mind.
I give you my word.
I give you my word.
Swear to it, on the memory of Marilyn Monroe.
Swear to it, on the memory of Marilyn Monroe.
I swear on the memory of Marilyn Monroe I swear on the memory of Marilyn Monroe that I will not tell Justin that you are flying to L.
A.
this weekend that I will not tell Justin that you are flying to L.
A.
this weekend to surprise him and that you love him to surprise him and that you love him and you miss him more than words can express.
and you miss him more than words can express.
Oh! Who said anything about that? Oh! Who said anything about that? Look, you don't fool me, Mr 'I Am a Rock, I Am a Island'.
Look, you don't fool me, Mr 'I Am a Rock, I Am a Island'.
I know how hard this has been for you.
I know how hard this has been for you.
Hmm.
You have no idea, Mikey, how hard.
Hmm.
You have no idea, Mikey, how hard.
(Both moan and pant) (Both moan and pant) Hey, Todd.
How's it going? Hey, Todd.
How's it going? TODD: Fine.
TODD: Fine.
MOBILE PHONE RINGS MOBILE PHONE RINGS MAN: Hey, dickhead, turn off your fuckin' cell phone! MAN: Hey, dickhead, turn off your fuckin' cell phone! What's up? What's up? Just lying here eating a bag of Doritos, Just lying here eating a bag of Doritos, reading 'The Brothers Karamazov'.
reading 'The Brothers Karamazov'.
What about you? What about you? 'Anna Karenina' and Pringles.
'Anna Karenina' and Pringles.
(Justin laughs) (Justin laughs) I always said it was our love of Russian literature I always said it was our love of Russian literature and snacks high in saturated fat that brought us together.
and snacks high in saturated fat that brought us together.
(Laughs) So how's work? (Laughs) So how's work? Up to my ass in storyboards.
Up to my ass in storyboards.
But Brett is thrilled.
But Brett is thrilled.
He says he never could have envisioned the project without me.
He says he never could have envisioned the project without me.
He's even talking about a sequel.
He's even talking about a sequel.
My superhero.
My superhero.
Only trouble is preproduction's slower than we expected, Only trouble is preproduction's slower than we expected, so I might have to stay longer than I thought.
so I might have to stay longer than I thought.
How much longer? How much longer? Another three months, maybe four.
Another three months, maybe four.
The studio is screaming, but Brett says not to worry, The studio is screaming, but Brett says not to worry, that it happens all the time.
that it happens all the time.
You're not pissed, are you? You're not pissed, are you? Why the fuck would I be pissed? Why the fuck would I be pissed? I told you before you went out there, I told you before you went out there, the only reason I'd be pissed is if you didn't go.
the only reason I'd be pissed is if you didn't go.
So when are you coming out here? So when are you coming out here? You'd fucking love it.
You'd fucking love it.
You never know when I just might drop in.
You never know when I just might drop in.
Well, you better hurry.
Well, you better hurry.
The way things are going, I'll be doing 'Son of Rage'.
The way things are going, I'll be doing 'Son of Rage'.
I miss you.
I miss you.
(Clears throat) (Clears throat) Hey, you take care of yourself, you hear? Hey, you take care of yourself, you hear? Do the best work you can and have the best time you can.
Do the best work you can and have the best time you can.
That's all that matters.
That's all that matters.
(Hangs up) (Hangs up) (Moans) (Moans) (Moans deeply) (Moans deeply) (Gurgles) (Gurgles) BEN: She has your big button eyes and your dimples BEN: She has your big button eyes and your dimples and your adorable nose.
and your adorable nose.
Well, she's got one thing of Mel's that I don't have.
Well, she's got one thing of Mel's that I don't have.
She's so young, it's hard to tell exactly who she looks like.
She's so young, it's hard to tell exactly who she looks like.
At this point, she's just a sleep, eat and poop machine.
At this point, she's just a sleep, eat and poop machine.
Oh, yeah, but she's our little sleep, eat and poop machine.
Oh, yeah, but she's our little sleep, eat and poop machine.
Sweet dreams, honey bun.
Sweet dreams, honey bun.
Honey bun? Honey bun? It's just what my mother used to call me.
It's just what my mother used to call me.
Which reminds me, she said to tell you Which reminds me, she said to tell you that she's coming by tomorrow to see the baby.
that she's coming by tomorrow to see the baby.
Oh, well, would you have her call first? Oh, well, would you have her call first? She's not pestering you, is she? She's not pestering you, is she? 'Cause if she is, just tell me.
I hate it when she pesters.
'Cause if she is, just tell me.
I hate it when she pesters.
Are you sure you guys don't need any groceries? Are you sure you guys don't need any groceries? Got enough diapers? What about talcum powder? Got enough diapers? What about talcum powder? We're all set.
We've got everything under control.
We're all set.
We've got everything under control.
Of course they do.
Of course they do.
After all these years, they're like a finetuned machine.
After all these years, they're like a finetuned machine.
I can't wait to be an old married couple.
I can't wait to be an old married couple.
Don't rush it.
It's nice to be newlyweds too.
Don't rush it.
It's nice to be newlyweds too.
Hmm.
How many years has it been? Hmm.
How many years has it been? anything special? anything special? We're taking a pass this year.
Too tired, too busy.
We're taking a pass this year.
Too tired, too busy.
Hmm.
Hmm.
Just remember, if there's anything you need Just remember, if there's anything you need (Laughs) When your tits start lactating, call me.
(Laughs) When your tits start lactating, call me.
(Laughs) (Laughs) 'Bye! WOMEN: 'Bye! 'Bye! WOMEN: 'Bye! (Sighs) (Sighs) You were good.
You were good.
So were you.
So were you.
Practice makes perfect.
Practice makes perfect.
But we're gonna have to tell them eventually.
But we're gonna have to tell them eventually.
They have to know I'm not living here.
They have to know I'm not living here.
Of course they need to know.
Of course they need to know.
And they will, eventually.
And they will, eventually.
DEBBIE: I just want to grab some pantyhose and my lasagne pan.
DEBBIE: I just want to grab some pantyhose and my lasagne pan.
CARL: I don't think I can help you with the pantyhose CARL: I don't think I can help you with the pantyhose butdon't I have enough pans at my house? butdon't I have enough pans at my house? What, that old collection of TV dinner tins? What, that old collection of TV dinner tins? (Carl laughs) (Carl laughs) Speaking of collections, I've gotta remember to bring my glass clowns.
Speaking of collections, I've gotta remember to bring my glass clowns.
Wait, you just brought over all those owls Wait, you just brought over all those owls with all thoseeyes.
with all thoseeyes.
With all the stuff you've been hauling over, With all the stuff you've been hauling over, we might as well be living here.
we might as well be living here.
Carl? Carl? What? What? (Sighs) Shit, I don't know how to say this.
(Sighs) Shit, I don't know how to say this.
You? Not know how to say something? You? Not know how to say something? (Laughs) (Laughs) It's about your place.
It's about your place.
What's the matter with my place? What's the matter with my place? Nothing.
No.
No, nothing's the matter with your place.
Nothing.
No.
No, nothing's the matter with your place.
It's justit's not this place.
It's justit's not this place.
(Sighs) (Sighs) We've had endless discussions about where we were gonna live.
We've had endless discussions about where we were gonna live.
You said you didn't want to be here.
You said you didn't want to be here.
There were too many sad memories.
There were too many sad memories.
It's true, and at the time, It's true, and at the time, all I could think about was losing Vic.
all I could think about was losing Vic.
But since I've been gone, But since I've been gone, all the happy memories are starting to come back all the happy memories are starting to come back and they're even beating out the sad ones.
and they're even beating out the sad ones.
I've lived in this house almost 30 years.
I've lived in this house almost 30 years.
That's practically all of Michael's life.
That's practically all of Michael's life.
There were days when we could barely muster up the mortgage and There were days when we could barely muster up the mortgage and .
.
and days when we partied all night long, .
.
and days when we partied all night long, and that didn't even count birthdays and holidays.
(Laughs) and that didn't even count birthdays and holidays.
(Laughs) This house is a part of me.
This house is a part of me.
And I've never been away from it until now.
And I've never been away from it until now.
There's nothingnothing wrong with your place, sweetheart.
There's nothingnothing wrong with your place, sweetheart.
I've loved being there with you.
I've loved being there with you.
But I want to come home.
But I want to come home.
Honey Honey .
.
it's like I said from the start.
.
.
it's like I said from the start.
It's up to you.
It's up to you.
Wherever you are is home to me.
Wherever you are is home to me.
Really? Really? Really? (Weeps) Really? (Weeps) Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Oh, yeah! (Pants) Oh, yeah! (Pants) Fuck me like you need me! Come on! Fuck me like you need me! Come on! (Both moan deeply) (Both moan deeply) CLATTERING CLATTERING Welcome home.
Welcome home.
You know, every time you see a stuffed animal, You know, every time you see a stuffed animal, you don't have to buy it.
you don't have to buy it.
I can't help it.
I want my girl to have everything.
I can't help it.
I want my girl to have everything.
Excuse us.
Excuse us.
MUFFLED TECHNO MUSIC PLAYS MUFFLED TECHNO MUSIC PLAYS What are they giving me a look for? This isn't a fucking back room! What are they giving me a look for? This isn't a fucking back room! This party has been going on since last night.
This party has been going on since last night.
PARTYGOERS SHOUT PARTYGOERS SHOUT BEN: Michael! I'm just curious.
BEN: Michael! I'm just curious.
Fags packed to the rafters.
One of them looks just like Fags packed to the rafters.
One of them looks just like Hey, dudes, you're home.
Hey, dudes, you're home.
Why aren't you? Why aren't you? Jason and Troy asked me if we had the new Christina Aguilera CD, Jason and Troy asked me if we had the new Christina Aguilera CD, so I loaned them ours.
so I loaned them ours.
That'll be the last we see of that, thank you very much.
That'll be the last we see of that, thank you very much.
You don't belong over there with guys who've been partying all night.
You don't belong over there with guys who've been partying all night.
I was just trying to be neighbourly.
And maybe cop a little weed.
I was just trying to be neighbourly.
And maybe cop a little weed.
You should be studying for your mid-terms.
You should be studying for your mid-terms.
Crack those books, pal.
Crack those books, pal.
Here, give me the ice-cream.
I'll put it in the freezer.
Here, give me the ice-cream.
I'll put it in the freezer.
(Scoffs) (Scoffs) Did they seem kind of cranky to you? Who? Did they seem kind of cranky to you? Who? Mel and Linz.
Mel and Linz.
No more than usual.
No more than usual.
I mean, you know, they're both probably exhausted.
I mean, you know, they're both probably exhausted.
They must be, not to want to celebrate their 10th anniversary.
They must be, not to want to celebrate their 10th anniversary.
Between breastfeeding and changing diapers, Between breastfeeding and changing diapers, I'm sure planning a celebration's the last thought on their minds.
I'm sure planning a celebration's the last thought on their minds.
Maybe we should think of it for them.
Maybe we should think of it for them.
I hope, on our 10th anniversary, we're not too tired to celebrate.
I hope, on our 10th anniversary, we're not too tired to celebrate.
(Laughs) (Laughs) I seriously doubt that would ever happen.
I seriously doubt that would ever happen.
DOOR OPENS DOOR OPENS Hey, I thought when you got married, you fucked less.
Hey, I thought when you got married, you fucked less.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
WOMAN: That's perfect.
Yeah, we'll go with that one.
WOMAN: That's perfect.
Yeah, we'll go with that one.
MAN: Alright.
I'll tell the client.
MAN: Alright.
I'll tell the client.
Counting down the hours, Bri? Counting down the hours, Bri? I'd be too, you lucky bastard.
I'd be too, you lucky bastard.
Zooming off to Los Angeles for a little 'Sunshine'.
(Laughs) Zooming off to Los Angeles for a little 'Sunshine'.
(Laughs) But Mm! Before you fly away, we need to go over some figures.
But Mm! Before you fly away, we need to go over some figures.
How many bear claws you've consumed this morning? How many bear claws you've consumed this morning? I'm writing down a number.
I'm writing down a number.
Oh, I get it.
I'm supposed to guess what it is? Oh, I get it.
I'm supposed to guess what it is? Then what, we become the new Siegfried and Roy? Then what, we become the new Siegfried and Roy? That's how much Kinnetic made last quarter.
That's how much Kinnetic made last quarter.
That's not too shabby.
Not too shabby?! That's not too shabby.
Not too shabby?! For being in business a year, it's over the fuckin' moon! For being in business a year, it's over the fuckin' moon! So what are you planning to do with it? So what are you planning to do with it? It's all yours.
It's all yours.
I meant the profits.
I meant the profits.
Of course, you could always pump it back into the business Of course, you could always pump it back into the business but, uh, I'd caution you against expanding too quickly.
but, uh, I'd caution you against expanding too quickly.
I might say the same thing to you.
I might say the same thing to you.
As far as stocks and bonds, to get a good rate, As far as stocks and bonds, to get a good rate, you'd have to go out to the middle of the 24th century.
you'd have to go out to the middle of the 24th century.
So what do you suggest? So what do you suggest? The best investment there is - yourself.
The best investment there is - yourself.
Spend it on you.
You've worked like a sonofabitch.
Spend it on you.
You've worked like a sonofabitch.
You went through hell and back with your, uh You went through hell and back with your, uh But, thank God, you're OK.
But, thank God, you're OK.
Sotreat yourself to something special.
Sotreat yourself to something special.
Go buy a new toy.
Go buy a new toy.
I've got dildos up the ass.
I've got dildos up the ass.
I mean that little extravagance you thought you could never afford.
I mean that little extravagance you thought you could never afford.
Like ashiny red Ferrari Like ashiny red Ferrari or perhaps a Warhol to hang in the loft.
or perhaps a Warhol to hang in the loft.
Orhow about something for Justin, like his own personal Learjet Orhow about something for Justin, like his own personal Learjet so he can wing back and forth from the coast to visit you.
so he can wing back and forth from the coast to visit you.
Well, I'm sure you'll come up with something to delight yourself with.
Well, I'm sure you'll come up with something to delight yourself with.
Mmm.
Mmm.
MAN: So cute! MAN: So cute! I'm Devon's biological father and Monty's Ondine's biodad.
I'm Devon's biological father and Monty's Ondine's biodad.
Same mom, however.
Same mom, however.
It was important to us that they be related.
It was important to us that they be related.
Finally got the kids down.
I had to sing 'Under the Sea' six times.
Finally got the kids down.
I had to sing 'Under the Sea' six times.
(Laughs) You do perform it brilliantly.
(Laughs) You do perform it brilliantly.
Your kids are so adorable.
Yeah.
Your kids are so adorable.
Yeah.
Oh, thanks.
Eli tells me you just had one of your own.
Oh, thanks.
Eli tells me you just had one of your own.
Jenny Rebecca.
But we call her J.
R.
Jenny Rebecca.
But we call her J.
R.
I love that! I love that! But we're not parenting like you.
No.
But we're not parenting like you.
No.
Melanie and Lindsay, our lesbian friends, are the primary parents.
Melanie and Lindsay, our lesbian friends, are the primary parents.
Well, if you ever do decide to raise one of your own, Well, if you ever do decide to raise one of your own, this is the perfect neighbourhood to do it.
this is the perfect neighbourhood to do it.
We have a huge backyard.
There's a Gymboree down the block.
We have a huge backyard.
There's a Gymboree down the block.
And they're even putting in a BabyGap.
And they're even putting in a BabyGap.
Oh! Oh! It's funny, when I was a kid, It's funny, when I was a kid, we weren't even allowed to come over here - it was too dangerous.
we weren't even allowed to come over here - it was too dangerous.
Now the only danger is if they run out of wasabi peas at Whole Foods.
Now the only danger is if they run out of wasabi peas at Whole Foods.
(Laughs) Leave it to the queers to turn dross into gold.
(Laughs) Leave it to the queers to turn dross into gold.
That's no fairytale.
That's no fairytale.
Ever since the gays moved in, started fixing things up, Ever since the gays moved in, started fixing things up, real estate prices have soared.
real estate prices have soared.
You guys ever think about moving? You guys ever think about moving? Hey, Scott.
Oh, hi! Hey, Scott.
Oh, hi! Oh, my God! You look fabulous! Oh, my God! You look fabulous! BEN: Excuse me, partner.
BEN: Excuse me, partner.
Like a different world, isn't it, Like a different world, isn't it, between here and where Eli and Monty live? between here and where Eli and Monty live? Mm.
You want to stop in for a drink? Mm.
You want to stop in for a drink? Oh, I got a lecture to prepare.
Oh, I got a lecture to prepare.
Sohow did you like their house? Sohow did you like their house? They did a great job.
Yeah.
They did a great job.
Yeah.
It's amazing how much that neighbourhood has changed.
It's amazing how much that neighbourhood has changed.
Ugh! I wish this one would.
Ugh! I wish this one would.
What's a used condom or two? What's a used condom or two? Besides, the apartment is too small for the three of us.
Besides, the apartment is too small for the three of us.
And that building's like a gay dorm.
And that building's like a gay dorm.
It's not that bad.
It's not that bad.
Not if you're 24 and want to fuck everything that moves, orBrian.
Not if you're 24 and want to fuck everything that moves, orBrian.
We're past all that, aren't we? We're past all that, aren't we? Sure.
Sure.
So, uh, what do you think about getting a place of our own? So, uh, what do you think about getting a place of our own? You really want to move.
You really want to move.
Well, I bet, between the two of us, we can afford it.
Well, I bet, between the two of us, we can afford it.
Maybe so, but this is where we live, where I've lived my whole life.
Maybe so, but this is where we live, where I've lived my whole life.
I don't know if I want to pick up and leave just like that.
I don't know if I want to pick up and leave just like that.
Well, it was just a thought.
Well, it was just a thought.
(Reads) "Charming, spacious apartment to share.
(Reads) "Charming, spacious apartment to share.
"Own bedroom, private bath, no pets.
Bottoms only need apply.
" "Own bedroom, private bath, no pets.
Bottoms only need apply.
" Perfect.
Perfect.
So who asked you to leave, Deborah or Horvath? So who asked you to leave, Deborah or Horvath? Neither.
They didn't have to.
Neither.
They didn't have to.
The look on their faces must have been priceless The look on their faces must have been priceless when they found you entertaining.
when they found you entertaining.
Deb wanted to watch and have a Q&A afterwards.
Deb wanted to watch and have a Q&A afterwards.
(Laughs) No doubt.
What about Horvath? (Laughs) No doubt.
What about Horvath? Did you ever see 'The Blob'? Mm-hm.
Did you ever see 'The Blob'? Mm-hm.
Remember the look on the old farmer's face Remember the look on the old farmer's face just before it devoured him? just before it devoured him? "Argh!" Mm-hm.
"Argh!" Mm-hm.
So I've decided to spare everyone the discomfort So I've decided to spare everyone the discomfort of going through another embarrassing scene - of going through another embarrassing scene - quietly fold my tent and move on.
quietly fold my tent and move on.
Teddy, how many of those power bars have you had? Teddy, how many of those power bars have you had? Who's counting? Who's counting? I am, and that's your fourth.
I am, and that's your fourth.
Do you know the number of carbs in those things, Do you know the number of carbs in those things, not to mention the calories? not to mention the calories? So I'll burn them off.
So I'll burn them off.
Honey, you'd have to go up in flames.
Honey, you'd have to go up in flames.
Look, II know you don't want to hear this, Look, II know you don't want to hear this, so please, please promise me you won't take it the wrong way, so please, please promise me you won't take it the wrong way, but as your friend, I feel it's my obligation to tell you, but as your friend, I feel it's my obligation to tell you, you're getting a little, um you're getting a little, um A little what? A little what? A littlehardy.
A littlehardy.
I mean, uhrobust.
I mean, uhrobust.
I mean Fat.
I mean Fat.
Fat? You think I'm fat? Fat? You think I'm fat? Well, let's put it this way - if you start singing, it's all over.
Well, let's put it this way - if you start singing, it's all over.
(Scoffs) I'll have you know, I'm not fat.
(Scoffs) I'll have you know, I'm not fat.
I'm justI'm bulking up.
I'm justI'm bulking up.
You know, I was a shadow of my former self when I was on crystal You know, I was a shadow of my former self when I was on crystal and I shed quite a few pounds during the Liberty Ride.
and I shed quite a few pounds during the Liberty Ride.
And I happen to think I look pretty damn good.
And I happen to think I look pretty damn good.
And obviouslyso does he.
And obviouslyso does he.
Hmm! Hmm! Who knew you could catch twinkies by stuffing them in your mouth? Who knew you could catch twinkies by stuffing them in your mouth? Hi.
How are you? Hey.
Hi.
How are you? Hey.
Alright, I'm off to find new digs.
Alright, I'm off to find new digs.
Ta.
Ta.
Hey, shall we take a peek in the steam room Hey, shall we take a peek in the steam room and see what's lurking in the mist? and see what's lurking in the mist? I can't.
Brett's calling from L.
A.
I can't.
Brett's calling from L.
A.
He wants my input on a couple of story points for the screenplay.
He wants my input on a couple of story points for the screenplay.
You know, stuff Rage might say.
You know, stuff Rage might say.
Hmm.
Hmm.
"Zowee, Zephyr, check out that supercock"? "Zowee, Zephyr, check out that supercock"? Something like that.
(Chuckles) Something like that.
(Chuckles) Besides, I thought you had a plane to catch.
Besides, I thought you had a plane to catch.
Justin's gonna be so excited when you show up.
Justin's gonna be so excited when you show up.
I'm not going.
Trip's cancelled.
I'm not going.
Trip's cancelled.
But I thought you had all these plans to surprise him.
But I thought you had all these plans to surprise him.
I guess the surprise is there's not gonna be one.
I guess the surprise is there's not gonna be one.
MAN: Reverend Swineheart, Rage's nemesis MAN: Reverend Swineheart, Rage's nemesis and sworn enemy of queers everywhere, and sworn enemy of queers everywhere, preaches his message of hate from his pulpit, preaches his message of hate from his pulpit, while deep in the catacombs of the church, while deep in the catacombs of the church, Rage hangs, suspended above the flames, Rage hangs, suspended above the flames, his hands bound in really hot leather restraints.
his hands bound in really hot leather restraints.
Meanwhile, J.
T.
races to the rescue.
Meanwhile, J.
T.
races to the rescue.
Mr Keller says they need the storyboards Mr Keller says they need the storyboards for the catacomb sequence now, now, now.
for the catacomb sequence now, now, now.
Tell him I'm hurrying as fast as I can, can, can.
Tell him I'm hurrying as fast as I can, can, can.
Pray my hand holds out.
Pray my hand holds out.
You look all out of breath.
You look all out of breath.
(Laughs) I'm just trying to finish these storyboards (Laughs) I'm just trying to finish these storyboards for a certain demanding tyrant.
for a certain demanding tyrant.
Oh, those? Forget it.
I've got incredible news.
Oh, those? Forget it.
I've got incredible news.
And other than a legion of studio executives, agents, publicists, And other than a legion of studio executives, agents, publicists, managers and both trade papers, you are the very first to hear it.
managers and both trade papers, you are the very first to hear it.
We just signed someone to play Rage.
We just signed someone to play Rage.
Who? Who? Who? Who? This is the movies.
This is the movies.
Instead of telling you, I'll show you.
Instead of telling you, I'll show you.
Conor.
Hey, man.
Conor.
Hey, man.
Where have you been? Where have you been? Oh, he's just back from doing a kabuki version of 'Much Ado' Oh, he's just back from doing a kabuki version of 'Much Ado' off-off-off-off Broadway.
off-off-off-off Broadway.
What a change from working with those Hollywood hacks What a change from working with those Hollywood hacks who aspire to nothing more than mediocrity! who aspire to nothing more than mediocrity! Still, you don't have any problem picking up that pay cheque, do you? Still, you don't have any problem picking up that pay cheque, do you? Well, get ready to do some serious acting.
Well, get ready to do some serious acting.
We start flying lessons on Monday.
We start flying lessons on Monday.
I thought you turned down the part.
I thought you turned down the part.
Oh, the director convinced me it would be good for my career - Oh, the director convinced me it would be good for my career - show everyone I'm a straight guy who has no problems playing gay frappe.
show everyone I'm a straight guy who has no problems playing gay frappe.
(Sniggers) (Sniggers) Alright, stuffed eggplant, Caprese salad, hummus, Alright, stuffed eggplant, Caprese salad, hummus, and the piece de resistance, and the piece de resistance, fried chicken, which is not really fried but baked - fried chicken, which is not really fried but baked - but baked to taste like fried so nobody feels guilty.
but baked to taste like fried so nobody feels guilty.
Mel and Linz will go out of their minds when we show up.
Mel and Linz will go out of their minds when we show up.
I can't thank you enough, Em.
My pleasure, sweetie.
I can't thank you enough, Em.
My pleasure, sweetie.
What's this? What's this? Oh, a casserole I made to take along.
Oh, a casserole I made to take along.
Millet, leeks and soy cheese.
Millet, leeks and soy cheese.
Are you sure you're not a lesbian? Are you sure you're not a lesbian? Oopsie.
Oopsie.
The kitchen's so tiny, you can barely turn around.
The kitchen's so tiny, you can barely turn around.
Care to dance? (Laughs) Care to dance? (Laughs) Which isn't too much of a stretch, Which isn't too much of a stretch, considering Baby Babylon blasting across the way.
considering Baby Babylon blasting across the way.
Tell me about it.
Tell me about it.
Why are his firm, manly tits in a twist? Why are his firm, manly tits in a twist? He thinks the building's turning into a den of iniquity - He thinks the building's turning into a den of iniquity - sex, drugs, cruising sex, drugs, cruising OK, so those are the advantages.
What are the liabilities? OK, so those are the advantages.
What are the liabilities? That basically we've outgrown this place.
That basically we've outgrown this place.
Well, let's face it, honey, you are Sadie Sadie Married Lady Well, let's face it, honey, you are Sadie Sadie Married Lady with the hubby and piglets to prove it.
with the hubby and piglets to prove it.
I, on the other hand, remain wantonly single, I, on the other hand, remain wantonly single, so if you're moving out, maybe I should move back in.
so if you're moving out, maybe I should move back in.
We're not moving.
We're not moving.
PARTYGOERS SHOUT, DANCE MUSIC PLAYS PARTYGOERS SHOUT, DANCE MUSIC PLAYS Would you look at this? Would you look at this? It's like homo central! It's like homo central! MAN: Bite me! Calm down.
MAN: Bite me! Calm down.
They're just young and having fun.
We were that age once, remember? They're just young and having fun.
We were that age once, remember? That's exactly the point.
We're not that age anymore.
That's exactly the point.
We're not that age anymore.
It's time to move to a house on a street like Eli and Monty.
It's time to move to a house on a street like Eli and Monty.
Buying a house is not like buying a CD or a sweater.
Buying a house is not like buying a CD or a sweater.
Even if we did decide to do it, Even if we did decide to do it, first we'd have to review our finances, check out the numbers.
first we'd have to review our finances, check out the numbers.
Right, Em? Right, Em? Oh, I'd saychecking out the numbers is essential.
Oh, I'd saychecking out the numbers is essential.
Trying to dispose of a large sum of expendable income Trying to dispose of a large sum of expendable income is more exhausting than one might think.
is more exhausting than one might think.
Who ever said the world was fair? Who ever said the world was fair? Next time, you'll think twice before becoming a success.
Next time, you'll think twice before becoming a success.
Oh.
You're not doing so bad yourself.
Oh.
You're not doing so bad yourself.
Ben wants us to buy a house Ben wants us to buy a house in that new area where all the gay couples are moving.
in that new area where all the gay couples are moving.
Oh, and become Stepford fags? Oh, and become Stepford fags? Maybe you should get a new place.
A house in the country? Maybe you should get a new place.
A house in the country? I hate the fucking country.
I hate the fucking country.
A yacht? Right.
A yacht? Right.
Pittsburgh - the new St Tropez.
Pittsburgh - the new St Tropez.
A ride on the space shuttle? A ride on the space shuttle? I'm a tad shy of 20-mill.
I'm a tad shy of 20-mill.
How about a bottle of wine for Mel and Linz's anniversary bash? How about a bottle of wine for Mel and Linz's anniversary bash? Who says I'll be there? Who says I'll be there? Well, I figured, since you cancelled your trip Well, I figured, since you cancelled your trip It doesn't mean I'm gonna be raising a glass to their marathon muffathon.
It doesn't mean I'm gonna be raising a glass to their marathon muffathon.
Thatis a distinct possibility.
Thatis a distinct possibility.
Hmm.
Hmm.
Can you imagine eating pussy - the same pussy - for 10 years? Can you imagine eating pussy - the same pussy - for 10 years? No, but I don't suppose they could fathom sucking the same cock.
No, but I don't suppose they could fathom sucking the same cock.
That makes three of us.
That makes three of us.
Unless it's Justin's.
Unless it's Justin's.
It's a shame you couldn't go to L.
A.
It's a shame you couldn't go to L.
A.
I'm busy.
He's busy.
I'm busy.
He's busy.
We're all busy.
We're all busy.
I just hope he gets back soon so we can finish the next issue of 'Rage'.
I just hope he gets back soon so we can finish the next issue of 'Rage'.
He's not coming back.
He's not coming back.
What do you mean he's not coming back? What do you mean he's not coming back? Did he tell you that? He didn't have to.
Did he tell you that? He didn't have to.
When we spoke, all he said was he'd have to be there longer When we spoke, all he said was he'd have to be there longer Listen, Mikey Are you listening? Listen, Mikey Are you listening? Yes! For Christ's sake, I'm listening.
Yes! For Christ's sake, I'm listening.
Just figure it out for yourself.
Just figure it out for yourself.
First it's three months, then it's six months.
First it's three months, then it's six months.
One project turns into another and another and before you know it One project turns into another and another and before you know it .
.
he's there a year, five years.
.
.
he's there a year, five years.
(Both moan and pant) (Both moan and pant) That's the way it goes.
That's the way it goes.
(Both moan and pant) (Both moan and pant) I mean, I don't blame him.
I mean, I don't blame him.
He's having the time of his life.
He's working in the movies.
He's having the time of his life.
He's working in the movies.
He's fucking movie stars.
He's fucking movie stars.
(Both moan and pant) (Both moan and pant) MICHAEL: That doesn't mean he's never coming home.
MICHAEL: That doesn't mean he's never coming home.
Who the hell would come back to Pittsburgh after L.
A.
? Who the hell would come back to Pittsburgh after L.
A.
? I mean, if it was me, I'd never come back.
I mean, if it was me, I'd never come back.
SIREN WAILS IN THE DISTANCE SIREN WAILS IN THE DISTANCE He's not you.
He's not you.
Wellit's time he got on with his life.
Wellit's time he got on with his life.
It's time I got on with mine.
It's time I got on with mine.
I can't believe how someone so little could have so much poop in them.
I can't believe how someone so little could have so much poop in them.
You might just grow up to be a lawyer.
You might just grow up to be a lawyer.
KNOCK AT DOOR KNOCK AT DOOR Hey, Mel.
Hey, Mel.
Hey, Michael.
What you up to? Hey, Michael.
What you up to? Changing you-know-who's you-know-what for the billionth time today.
Changing you-know-who's you-know-what for the billionth time today.
Is that how you're gonna spend your 10th anniversary? Is that how you're gonna spend your 10th anniversary? Got a better idea? Got a better idea? As a matter of fact As a matter of fact PEOPLE: Surprise! PEOPLE: Surprise! (People laugh) (People laugh) Surprise! Surprise! Oh, how's my granddaughter? Oh, how's my granddaughter? I haven't seen you forever.
I haven't seen you forever.
Well, yeah, not since this morning.
Well, yeah, not since this morning.
Hello, sweetheart.
Hello, sweetheart.
Wipe the dyke-in-the-headlights look off your face.
Wipe the dyke-in-the-headlights look off your face.
You're having a surprise party, You're having a surprise party, courtesy of Aunty Em's Special Occasions.
courtesy of Aunty Em's Special Occasions.
And you don't have to lift a finger.
Everything's been taken care of.
And you don't have to lift a finger.
Everything's been taken care of.
WOMAN: Hey, happy 10th, Mel.
WOMAN: Hey, happy 10th, Mel.
EMMETT: Food in the dining room, please.
EMMETT: Food in the dining room, please.
Where's Linz? Where's Linz? (Gasps) Uh (Gasps) Uh She went to the grocery store with Gus.
She went to the grocery store with Gus.
We wanna surprise her too.
Oh! She'll be surprised.
We wanna surprise her too.
Oh! She'll be surprised.
Would you excuse me for a second? Uh-huh.
Would you excuse me for a second? Uh-huh.
(People chat downstairs) (People chat downstairs) LINDSAY ON PHONE: Hello? Hey, it's me.
LINDSAY ON PHONE: Hello? Hey, it's me.
Is something wrong? Yeah, fuckin' right.
Is something wrong? Yeah, fuckin' right.
Something's wrong.
With the baby? Something's wrong.
With the baby? No, uh No, it's not with the baby.
No, uh No, it's not with the baby.
Just get your ass over here quick.
Why? Just get your ass over here quick.
Why? They're giving us a fuckin' surprise party.
They're giving us a fuckin' surprise party.
TED: Well, Emmett's done it again.
TED: Well, Emmett's done it again.
This food's great.
This food's great.
She must really be stocking up.
Mm.
She must really be stocking up.
Mm.
You know, double coupons.
You know, double coupons.
Mmm! Mmm! Uh-huh? Mmm! Mmm! Uh-huh? That's good.
That's good.
Is Teddy getting tubby? Is Teddy getting tubby? Huh, considering the adorableness of his new beau, Huh, considering the adorableness of his new beau, I'd say fat's the new thin.
I'd say fat's the new thin.
So Where have you been? I barely see you since I moved back.
So Where have you been? I barely see you since I moved back.
Um, actually, I've been out looking for a place.
Um, actually, I've been out looking for a place.
A place? For what? A place? For what? To live.
To live.
Why the hell would you do that? Why the hell would you do that? It's not 'cause we walked in and found you fuckin' some guy, is it? It's not 'cause we walked in and found you fuckin' some guy, is it? Well Well That was just a case of bad timing, that's all.
That was just a case of bad timing, that's all.
I mean, it's kind of funny, actually, when you think about it.
I mean, it's kind of funny, actually, when you think about it.
I'm not sure that Carl found it to be the laugh-riot you did.
I'm not sure that Carl found it to be the laugh-riot you did.
Oh, well, don't worry about Carl.
He'll get used to it.
Oh, well, don't worry about Carl.
He'll get used to it.
He shouldn't have to.
He shouldn't have to.
The house should be the two of yours, not the three of ours.
The house should be the two of yours, not the three of ours.
But he'll never be Blanche when I'm playing Baby Jane.
But he'll never be Blanche when I'm playing Baby Jane.
He doesn't have the shoulders or the eyebrows.
He doesn't have the shoulders or the eyebrows.
Come on, you think he's gonna take me to sing-along 'Wizard of Oz', Come on, you think he's gonna take me to sing-along 'Wizard of Oz', or get dishy with me during the award shows, or get dishy with me during the award shows, or pull my face back and tell me how much work I need? or pull my face back and tell me how much work I need? In other words In other words .
.
Em .
.
Em .
.
you're irreplaceable.
.
.
you're irreplaceable.
We both have to face it, Deb.
We both have to face it, Deb.
Life with your detective does not include me.
Life with your detective does not include me.
What the hell took you so long? What the hell took you so long? I had to wake up Gus, get him dressed.
I had to wake up Gus, get him dressed.
Here she is! Here she is! Oh, hey! Surprise! Oh, hey! Surprise! Oh! Oh! Isn't that great, our friends throwing us Isn't that great, our friends throwing us a surprise party for our anniversary? a surprise party for our anniversary? Where are the groceries? The groceries? Where are the groceries? The groceries? Oh, they're being delivered tomorrow.
Oh, they're being delivered tomorrow.
Oh.
Oh.
EMMETT: Does everyone have champagne? EMMETT: Does everyone have champagne? You can't toast without a glass.
You can't toast without a glass.
We know how exhausted you two are.
We know how exhausted you two are.
We couldn't let this landmark go by without a little celebration.
We couldn't let this landmark go by without a little celebration.
I'll say.
I'll say.
Now, more than ever, it's important people know Now, more than ever, it's important people know that a gay couple can be just as committed as any straight couple.
that a gay couple can be just as committed as any straight couple.
To Mel and Linz! ALL: To Mel and Linz! To Mel and Linz! ALL: To Mel and Linz! Speech from the old married couple! Come on! Speech from the old married couple! Come on! There is something we'd like to say.
There is something we'd like to say.
No, there isn't.
No, there isn't.
Now's not the right time.
Now's not the right time.
When is the right time? When is the right time? The right time for what? The right time for what? I think you all should know How much we appreciate this.
I think you all should know How much we appreciate this.
Would you stop?! Would you stop?! SILENCE SILENCE We can't hide it anymore.
It isn't fair.
We can't hide it anymore.
It isn't fair.
Thank you for all your good wishes.
Thank you for all your good wishes.
But, you see, Melanie and I are having some problems.
But, you see, Melanie and I are having some problems.
I wasn't having any problems.
I was trying to have a baby.
I wasn't having any problems.
I was trying to have a baby.
Alright, I'm the one responsible for all the problems.
Alright, I'm the one responsible for all the problems.
Damn right, you are.
For which I've apologised endlessly.
Damn right, you are.
For which I've apologised endlessly.
But you still refuse to accept the fact But you still refuse to accept the fact That fucking Sam Auerbach had nothing to do with sex! That fucking Sam Auerbach had nothing to do with sex! It was all about art! All the humping was about form and function?! It was all about art! All the humping was about form and function?! The truth is we haven't been living together The truth is we haven't been living together since our daughter was born.
since our daughter was born.
DANCE MUSIC PLAYS DANCE MUSIC PLAYS MAN 1: Who turned on the lights?! MAN 1: Who turned on the lights?! MAN 2: What the fuck's going on? MAN 3: Turn them off! MAN 2: What the fuck's going on? MAN 3: Turn them off! Turn the fucking lights back off! Jesus Christ! Turn the fucking lights back off! Jesus Christ! Gentlemen! Gentlemen! May I have your attention? May I have your attention? This club is officially closed.
This club is officially closed.
So pull up your pants and go home.
So pull up your pants and go home.
OFFICER: Let's go, come on.
Come on.
OFFICER: Let's go, come on.
Come on.
Let's go, everybody.
Let's go, everybody.
Party's over, let's go.
Party's over, let's go.
That includes you.
Just wait a second.
That includes you.
Just wait a second.
(Pants) (Pants) (Moans) (Moans) Oh! Oh! Thanks, Officer.
Thanks, Officer.
I'll do the same for you one day.
I'll do the same for you one day.
I come here every day to be with the baby.
I come here every day to be with the baby.
And so I can be with Gus.
And so I can be with Gus.
Then Gus and I go back to the apartment.
Then Gus and I go back to the apartment.
You have an apartment? You have an apartment? Yeah, a small one-bedroom I've been renting Yeah, a small one-bedroom I've been renting (Pointedly) We've been renting.
(Pointedly) We've been renting.
Although, we can barely afford this place.
Although, we can barely afford this place.
Gus and I have to live somewhere.
You'd rather we sleep on the street? Gus and I have to live somewhere.
You'd rather we sleep on the street? Did I say that? We're just a little thrown.
Did I say that? We're just a little thrown.
You got to admit, it's a shock.
You got to admit, it's a shock.
I wanted it all out in the open.
Well, I didn't! I wanted it all out in the open.
Well, I didn't! I'm the one who had the baby.
I'm the one who had the baby.
I had enough to deal with without having to explain to everyone I had enough to deal with without having to explain to everyone Look, you've been having personal problems.
We understand.
Look, you've been having personal problems.
We understand.
No, we do not understand! No, we do not understand! How could you not say a word all this time?! How could you not say a word all this time?! When were you gonna tell me? When were you gonna tell me? After she grew up, went to college After she grew up, went to college and got married and had children of her own?! and got married and had children of her own?! I have seen you practically every day since Jenny was born I have seen you practically every day since Jenny was born and it's always been so sweet, so adorable, the two doting mothers.
and it's always been so sweet, so adorable, the two doting mothers.
Well, who would have guessed that it was a big fucking lie?! Well, who would have guessed that it was a big fucking lie?! We made a wrong decision by not telling you We made a wrong decision by not telling you .
.
for which we are truly sorry.
.
.
for which we are truly sorry.
But we've been under a lot of stress.
But we've been under a lot of stress.
(Sighs) Oh, ain't that the truth? (Sighs) Oh, ain't that the truth? You have no idea how deceit can raise your blood pressure.
You have no idea how deceit can raise your blood pressure.
When I agreed to be the baby's father, When I agreed to be the baby's father, it was because I knew she would be raised it was because I knew she would be raised in a loving home with two loving parents, in a loving home with two loving parents, not in some sort of time-sharing arrangement not in some sort of time-sharing arrangement with complimentary sniping! with complimentary sniping! Now, you can make all the excuses you want, Now, you can make all the excuses you want, but if this is how you plan on raising our daughter, but if this is how you plan on raising our daughter, then we should never have had her in the first place! then we should never have had her in the first place! DOOR OPENS DOOR OPENS DOOR CLOSES DOOR CLOSES TV CHATTERS TV CHATTERS (Giggles) God, I love this part.
(Giggles) God, I love this part.
(Laughs) (Laughs) Frankly, I've never been too keen about the 'Grumpy Old Men' movies.
Frankly, I've never been too keen about the 'Grumpy Old Men' movies.
I love the classics.
I love the classics.
(Laughs) (Laughs) Here, have another.
No.
No.
No, I couldn't.
Here, have another.
No.
No.
No, I couldn't.
Come on.
No, six is my absolute limit.
Come on.
No, six is my absolute limit.
Come on! No.
No! Come on! No.
No! (Growls playfully) (Chuckles) (Growls playfully) (Chuckles) You know, at this rate, I'm gonna turn into that guy I saw on TV.
You know, at this rate, I'm gonna turn into that guy I saw on TV.
He was so fat, they had to remove a wall to get him out of the house.
He was so fat, they had to remove a wall to get him out of the house.
Fine by me.
(Laughs) Fine by me.
(Laughs) There is something about the scent of an old guy.
There is something about the scent of an old guy.
Uh Uh (Laughs) What? (Laughs) What? Makes me so hot.
Makes me so hot.
Oh.
Oh.
The lovely grey flecks turning into white.
The lovely grey flecks turning into white.
The baby-bottom pink scalp The baby-bottom pink scalp .
.
peeking through the little hairs on top.
.
.
peeking through the little hairs on top.
They're like wild grass on the beach.
They're like wild grass on the beach.
And to grab onto those love handles, And to grab onto those love handles, while I'm shooting all over while I'm shooting all over that big, full belly that big, full belly Come on, lover Come on, lover .
.
eat.
.
.
eat.
(Chuckles awkwardly) (Chuckles awkwardly) FOOTSTEPS APPROACH FOOTSTEPS APPROACH (Man clears throat) (Man clears throat) (Whispers) Shawn, honey, I told you to stay in my room.
(Whispers) Shawn, honey, I told you to stay in my room.
I'm not Shawn, honey.
I'm not Shawn, honey.
Ooh (Laughs nervously) Clearly.
Ooh (Laughs nervously) Clearly.
Hand me the cranberry juice.
Hand me the cranberry juice.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I've been meaning for us to have, aa powwow.
I've been meaning for us to have, aa powwow.
Although, I never imagined it to be Although, I never imagined it to be Au naturel? Au naturel? Well, you have nothing to worry about.
Well, you have nothing to worry about.
My lust-bunny is locked away in my room.
My lust-bunny is locked away in my room.
Even put a gag on his mouth.
Even put a gag on his mouth.
Of course, it was leather and he begged me to do it.
Of course, it was leather and he begged me to do it.
(Chuckles) (Chuckles) Anyways, umstarting Sunday, Anyways, umstarting Sunday, you and Deb will have this place all to yourselves.
you and Deb will have this place all to yourselves.
Umuh, buffalo wings? Umuh, buffalo wings? Deb is very upset you're leaving.
Deb is very upset you're leaving.
Dude, you know how to stop her from buying everything on QVC.
Dude, you know how to stop her from buying everything on QVC.
Truth is I'm a little sorry to see you go myself.
Truth is I'm a little sorry to see you go myself.
You are? You are? Is that such a surprise? Is that such a surprise? Frankly, yes.
Frankly, yes.
Most straight men take one look at me and head for the hills.
Most straight men take one look at me and head for the hills.
Except for my father.
Except for my father.
He ran me out on a rail.
He ran me out on a rail.
(Sighs) Well, that's his loss.
(Sighs) Well, that's his loss.
You're a good man.
You're a good man.
In fact, considering the number of hours I work, In fact, considering the number of hours I work, sometimes all night sometimes all night .
.
I'd be a hell of a lot happier .
.
I'd be a hell of a lot happier if knew Deb wasn't in the house alone.
if knew Deb wasn't in the house alone.
Carl Horvath, are you asking me to stay? Carl Horvath, are you asking me to stay? (Chuckles) (Chuckles) Doesn't take a detective to figure that out.
Doesn't take a detective to figure that out.
Butit's up to you.
Butit's up to you.
Well, what about my sex my love-life? Well, what about my sex my love-life? (Laughs) I bought a sound machine.
(Laughs) I bought a sound machine.
All I hear now is raindrops falling, rivers flowing, birds chirping.
All I hear now is raindrops falling, rivers flowing, birds chirping.
Maybe I ought to get one of those.
Pretend I'm fucking in a rainforest.
Maybe I ought to get one of those.
Pretend I'm fucking in a rainforest.
(Chuckles) (Chuckles) Oh, I'd better get back to, uh Oh, I'd better get back to, uh Uh, "Shawn, honey.
" Uh, "Shawn, honey.
" Hmm.
Hmm.
You know, if, um if you were gay, You know, if, um if you were gay, you'd make one hell of a bear.
you'd make one hell of a bear.
(Chuckles) (Chuckles) I told Melanie.
She was sitting right over there.
I told Melanie.
She was sitting right over there.
I said, "Doesn't matter what's going on between you and Lindsay, I said, "Doesn't matter what's going on between you and Lindsay, "your first responsibility is that baby.
" "your first responsibility is that baby.
" Deb, can I get a piece of the key lime.
Deb, can I get a piece of the key lime.
When you finish your meatloaf.
When you finish your meatloaf.
But did they listen? Obviously not.
But did they listen? Obviously not.
Instead, they go and destroy a family.
Instead, they go and destroy a family.
They turn a happy home into a broken one.
They turn a happy home into a broken one.
Without even telling us.
Without even telling us.
Coffee to go, Deb.
You want anything with it? Coffee to go, Deb.
You want anything with it? How could you eat after what happened last night? How could you eat after what happened last night? You're telling me.
Steam's still coming out of my ears.
You're telling me.
Steam's still coming out of my ears.
(Cook rings bell) Hey, Deb! (Cook rings bell) Hey, Deb! If I hear that fuckin' thing one more time, If I hear that fuckin' thing one more time, you're gonna be hearing bells.
you're gonna be hearing bells.
My heart's broken.
My soulcrushed.
My heart's broken.
My soulcrushed.
How do you think I feel? The insensitivity.
How do you think I feel? The insensitivity.
You know, it's immoral.
That's what it is.
You know, it's immoral.
That's what it is.
You're telling me.
How could they do this? You're telling me.
How could they do this? You were right - never trust munchers.
You were right - never trust munchers.
Munchers? Mel and Linz.
Munchers? Mel and Linz.
What the hell have they got to do with it? What the hell have they got to do with it? Who do you think's responsible.
For closing Babylon? Who do you think's responsible.
For closing Babylon? Is that all you care about? Is that all you care about? Who gives a shit if the cops close down Babylon? Who gives a shit if the cops close down Babylon? I, for one, give a very big shit that I, for one, give a very big shit that that come-stain, Sapperstein, that come-stain, Sapperstein, was defrauding the Internal Revenue Service was defrauding the Internal Revenue Service by hiding thousands, perhaps even hundreds of thousands, of dollars by hiding thousands, perhaps even hundreds of thousands, of dollars up in his office in pillowcases, up in his office in pillowcases, which, knowing him, you can be sure were not the highest thread count.
which, knowing him, you can be sure were not the highest thread count.
And now, because of his illegal activities, And now, because of his illegal activities, Babylon is gone.
Babylon is gone.
Kaput.
Finito.
Kaput.
Finito.
And that concerns you more And that concerns you more than the fact that Mel and Linz were lying to us? than the fact that Mel and Linz were lying to us? That now my daughter and your son That now my daughter and your son are the products of a broken home? are the products of a broken home? (Laughs) Christ! The three of you.
(Laughs) Christ! The three of you.
I never saw such drama queens.
I never saw such drama queens.
First, Lindsay was wailing to me on the phone First, Lindsay was wailing to me on the phone the night she and Melanie split the night she and Melanie split Now you.
Wait a minute.
Now you.
Wait a minute.
You're telling me you knew about this and you didn't tell me? You're telling me you knew about this and you didn't tell me? She asked me not to.
She asked me not to.
So your loyalty to her was more important than our friendship? So your loyalty to her was more important than our friendship? Don't make this about us, Michael.
Don't make this about us, Michael.
Because it's not.
Because it's not.
The ever-changing kaleidoscope of life.
The ever-changing kaleidoscope of life.
DRAMATIC MUSIC DRAMATIC MUSIC NARRATOR: J.
T.
floats, lost among the stars, NARRATOR: J.
T.
floats, lost among the stars, wondering if he'll ever see Rage again.
wondering if he'll ever see Rage again.
PHONE RINGS PHONE RINGS MAN: I promised I'd come for you, J.
T.
, MAN: I promised I'd come for you, J.
T.
, even if I had to go to the end of the universe.
even if I had to go to the end of the universe.
I just did a test in front of the green screen.
I just did a test in front of the green screen.
So, what do you think? It's hot.
So, what do you think? It's hot.
Yeah, and itchy.
Yeah, and itchy.
Check out this package.
Check out this package.
(Laughs) That's gonna win an Oscar for special effects.
(Laughs) That's gonna win an Oscar for special effects.
Didn't hear you complaining.
Huh! Didn't hear you complaining.
Huh! MAN: OK, superhero, turn in your tights.
MAN: OK, superhero, turn in your tights.
Fenderman just pulled the plug.
Fenderman just pulled the plug.
What? He can't do that.
What? He can't do that.
He can and he did.
He just rimmed my ass.
He can and he did.
He just rimmed my ass.
And not like in Scene 32 And not like in Scene 32 where Rage gives J.
T.
the rimming of a lifetime.
where Rage gives J.
T.
the rimming of a lifetime.
"Oh, the picture's over budget, over schedule" "Oh, the picture's over budget, over schedule" You said they say that about every picture.
You said they say that about every picture.
They do.
Then what's the real reason? They do.
Then what's the real reason? He's afraid - the times, the political climate.
He's afraid - the times, the political climate.
Well, he's wrong.
Well, he's wrong.
Tell him there are millions of queers out there with billions of dollars.
Tell him there are millions of queers out there with billions of dollars.
I did.
I did.
He's more concerned about alienating the family audience, He's more concerned about alienating the family audience, pissing off the parent corporation, pissing off the parent corporation, displeasing someone in Washington displeasing someone in Washington who can make that tax break very hard to come by.
who can make that tax break very hard to come by.
What? So it's over? Just like that? What? So it's over? Just like that? He's green-lighting 'The Passion of Moses'.
He's green-lighting 'The Passion of Moses'.
Gay's out.
Gay's out.
God's in.
God's in.
(Sighs) (Sighs) DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES (Gus sneezes) (Gus sneezes) Oh, sweetie, do you have a cold? Oh, sweetie, do you have a cold? Yeah, I think he caught one last night.
Yeah, I think he caught one last night.
Wouldn't be surprised.
Wouldn't be surprised.
Dragging him over here so we could play one big happy family.
Dragging him over here so we could play one big happy family.
I didn't drag him.
I didn't drag him.
And you're the one who called, And you're the one who called, who insisted we keep up this ridiculous charade.
who insisted we keep up this ridiculous charade.
And you saw why I did, didn't you? And you saw why I did, didn't you? Now I have to deal with all their shit as well as our own.
Now I have to deal with all their shit as well as our own.
Oh, speaking of shit Did you bring his medication? Oh, speaking of shit Did you bring his medication? "Delicious cherry flavour your kids'll love"? "Delicious cherry flavour your kids'll love"? He hates it.
He hates it.
Here, why don't you let me do it? Christ, I can do it! Here, why don't you let me do it? Christ, I can do it! Would you just go to work, already? Would you just go to work, already? Oh, God! Oh, God! It had to be done.
It had to be done.
We had to tell them.
We had to tell them.
It's just that It's just that What? What? Telling them (Sighs) .
.
and seeing their faces, Telling them (Sighs) .
.
and seeing their faces, knowing they know knowing they know (Jenny grizzles) (Jenny grizzles) .
.
somehow makes it real.
.
.
somehow makes it real.
(Jenny grizzles) (Jenny grizzles) DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES (Jenny grizzles) (Jenny grizzles) We're having some of the neighbours over Sunday for a barbeque.
We're having some of the neighbours over Sunday for a barbeque.
I've asked a couple of members I've asked a couple of members of our illustrious English department - of our illustrious English department - Kelly and Raymond Kelly and Raymond Why don't you guys come too? That sounds great.
Why don't you guys come too? That sounds great.
And be sure to bring Hunter.
And be sure to bring Hunter.
(Man calls out) Hi! Hey.
(Man calls out) Hi! Hey.
Oh, How's it going? Oh, How's it going? They just moved in across the street.
They got twins.
They just moved in across the street.
They got twins.
(Laughs) Seems like everybody around here's got kids.
(Laughs) Seems like everybody around here's got kids.
It won't be long before you'll be out strolling It won't be long before you'll be out strolling with your own bambino too.
with your own bambino too.
This one just went on the market.
This one just went on the market.
Nice yard, but it could use a makeover.
Nice yard, but it could use a makeover.
(Laughs) Couldn't we all? (Laughs) Couldn't we all? I wonder what they're asking? I wonder what they're asking? In that condition, it's probably a bargain.
In that condition, it's probably a bargain.
Sure you guys aren't interested? Sure you guys aren't interested? Oh, we've talked it over and we've decided to stay put for now.
Oh, we've talked it over and we've decided to stay put for now.
How soon could we see it? How soon could we see it? Like you said, we're on top of each other in the apartment.
Like you said, we're on top of each other in the apartment.
Hunter needs his own space, Hunter needs his own space, Jenny Rebecca's gonna need her own room.
Jenny Rebecca's gonna need her own room.
A yard to play in A yard to play in We'll write down the realtor's number.
You give 'em a call.
We'll write down the realtor's number.
You give 'em a call.
(Whispers) I thought you wanted to stay on Liberty Avenue? (Whispers) I thought you wanted to stay on Liberty Avenue? Maybe it's time for a change.
Maybe it's time for a change.
DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES (Ted shouts) Brian? (Ted shouts) Brian? So why the urgent message, "Meet me at Babylon now!" So why the urgent message, "Meet me at Babylon now!" I found that little something you told me to treat myself to.
I found that little something you told me to treat myself to.
What? What? You're standing in it.
You're standing in it.
(Pours wine) (Pours wine) Babylon? Babylon? I said the TOY, not the playroom! I said the TOY, not the playroom! I want it! I want it! Oh, you want it? What for? Oh, you want it? What for? Well, I gotta keep the boys off the street at night.
Well, I gotta keep the boys off the street at night.
(Sighs) (Sighs) I gotta provide 'em with a warm, friendly environment I gotta provide 'em with a warm, friendly environment in which to use illegal substances and have promiscuous sex - in which to use illegal substances and have promiscuous sex - safely, of course! safely, of course! A noble sentiment, but investment-wise, not very practical.
A noble sentiment, but investment-wise, not very practical.
And what would be practical, Theodore? And what would be practical, Theodore? To get married To get married .
.
and move to the suburbs? .
.
and move to the suburbs? (Sighs) (Sighs) And become a home-lovin', child-raisin', God-fearin' And become a home-lovin', child-raisin', God-fearin' imitation heterosexual? imitation heterosexual? (Laughs bitterly) (Laughs bitterly) And for what? And for what? So that I can become another dead soul going to the mall So that I can become another dead soul going to the mall and dropping my kids off at school and dropping my kids off at school and having barbeques in the backyard? and having barbeques in the backyard? (Laughs) (Laughs) That's THEIR death.
That's THEIR death.
Not mine.
Not mine.
(Flicks switch) (Flicks switch) (Shouts) I'm a cocksucker! (Shouts) I'm a cocksucker! I'm queer! I'm queer! And to anyone who takes pity or offence And to anyone who takes pity or offence .
.
I say, judge yourself.
.
.
I say, judge yourself.
This is where I live.
This is where I live.
This is who I am.
This is who I am.
VOICEOVER: And as Rage stands at the precipice of a new world VOICEOVER: And as Rage stands at the precipice of a new world DRAMATIC MUSIC DRAMATIC MUSIC