Roseanne s05e01 Episode Script

I told you, my mom's not here.
He's not here either.
I'm all alone.
[whispering.]
and I don't know anything about electric bills.
And I don't know anything about electric bills.
Do you know you're Hey, I'm just a little kid, and you're scaring me.
Hey, I'm just a little kid, and you're scaring me.
Oh, nice parenting, mother.
D.
J.
's gonna turn out more screwed up than the rest of us.
Yeah, well, by the time the third one comes along, You should have the hang of it.
They want to call dad at work.
No! Tell them he's not there.
He's out trying to find you a new kidney.
Just say you don't have the number.
And hurry up.
I'm waiting for a call from Mark.
I don't got the number.
Okay? Bye.
That a boy, Deej.
Can I go now? In a minute.
Um I'm real sorry I made you lie.
You know I wouldn't if I didn't have to.
Yeah, I know.
'cause it's not cool to lie.
You know that, right? I've told you that before.
It's just, well, sometimes We have to lie in order to protect ourselves From all the evil people out there who seek to destroy us.
Got it? Got it.
Now can I go? Yeah.
[ringing.]
hey, hey, hey.
You'd better get that.
It might be those evil easter seal people.
Hello? Oh, hi, Mark.
Yeah, Becky's here.
I'll go get her.
Didn't I teach you anything? [theme.]
[Roseanne laughing.]
It was nothing like the boob job.
They just sucked the fat out with a vacuum.
How much did they suck out.
Some.
A lot? Enough.
Did they have to change the bag? What is your point? It don't look no different.
Well, sure.
It's still swollen.
God, Nancy, why would you go torture yourself like that? I was so depressed when I got the separation papers from Arnie, I just had to do something to make myself more desirable.
Yeah.
Guys just can't resist A chick with a hemorrhoid pillow.
Hey.
Expecting a water landing, Nance? Oh, that's it.
I got to go soak.
Way to go, Dan.
She just had surgery Because of her low self-esteem.
You walk in here and kick her like a dog.
Say something nice about her butt, Dan.
Very jaunty.
Come on, Nancy.
I'll drive you home.
This time I won't go over the railroad tracks.
Oh, I keep misjudging it now.
So how'd it go at the bank? Well, we chatted about the recession for a while, don't you know.
Then I gave him my "things are bound to be better after the election" speech.
Then they said, "you're 4 months behind on your first mortgage, "3 months behind on your second.
We want our money by Friday.
And here, Have a calendar.
" Look.
Kittens in a basket.
Dan, I'm done with that manifold back there.
Hey.
Hey, Mark.
So you want me to come in again tomorrow? I don't think so.
Well, can you give me a rough idea when you might need me again? Well, the way things are going, here's your days off.
That bad, huh? Look, things are pretty rocky right now.
Why don't we take this on a day-to-day basis? Okay.
If you need me, you know where to call.
[Dan.]
thanks a lot, buddy.
Okay, Dan, so what are we gonna do? They want their money, babe.
Well, tell them they can't have it! Can't we just give 'em the truck? We hate the truck.
What will we live in, dear? [gasps.]
Oh, god, Dan, they don't want the house? No, they don't want the house.
Well, that's a relief.
No, they said they really don't want the house, but they'll take it.
Turns out it's worth less than they loaned us for it.
What kind of bank makes some stupid investment like that? Hey, we're taking our money elsewhere.
That was their suggestion.
Well, so now what? You pour the gasoline, I'll light the match.
Oh, damn.
Yeah, damn.
I knew we shouldn't have gone into business for ourselves.
There's nobody to steal from.
Hey, I'm just a little kid and I'm all alone, and you're scaring me.
Who was that? Grandma.
Where's your sister? Upstairs.
Becky, get down here! What's going on? Family meeting, Deej.
All right, I'm going.
What's up? Pull up a chair, Beck.
Oh, god.
These are always bad news.
What are you worried about, Becky? How much worse could our lives suck Than they already do now? Well, it's taken us a while, Darlene, But I think we really hit the jackpot this time.
Your mother and I have decided to close the bike shop.
We're having a "going out of business" sale and then locking the doors on Friday.
And I don't have a job, so that means no income.
How'd we do? What are we gonna do for money? Well, I'm gonna go back to dry-walling And maybe repair a couple of bikes out of the garage, And until things pick up, it's gonna be pretty tight around here.
So it's just a real good thing that we never gave you anything, Or this could come as a painful blow.
Wait a second.
What's gonna happen to Mark? He's a good mechanic.
He'll find something.
You are gonna help him find another job, aren't you? I don't have a job And your mother doesn't have a job, But we'll make Mark our first priority.
How is he gonna pay the rent? He has an apartment.
Looks like you're back to making heel marks on the ceiling of his car, Beck.
Shut up, dar.
You know, Beck, I don't know why, but I thought maybe the first words out of your mouth might be, "sorry you lost your business, dad.
We know how much it meant to you.
" I guess it's gonna sound a lot less sincere now when I say it.
This is great.
This is just great.
Hey! Let it go.
It ain't worth it.
So do you have anything that you want to say? Can I have a pony? Bye.
Mom? Yeah? If you want it, I still have some birthday money I hid in my closet.
Ohh.
No, you don't, but thanks anyway, Deej.
Mark? Mm-hmm? How about that new garage on Waukegan Road? Come on, Becky.
No, I stopped there for gas, and it took a really long time for someone to come out.
I think they might need somebody.
Maybe it was self-serve.
Okay, okay.
We can talk more about this tomorrow.
I got to go in.
This isn't exactly the time to miss curfew.
Bye.
I did get one job offer.
You're kidding.
Where? Rick called me today from Minneapolis.
Yeah? Well, there's an opening where he works.
The job's mine if I want it.
Well, do you want it? Well, it pays 3 times what I made working for your dad.
They'd let me join the union.
I'd be set.
Why are you telling me this now? We've been together all afternoon.
I don't know.
I guess I just didn't know how to tell you.
You knew how to tell me.
You just wanted to get me in bed one last time before you dumped me.
What are you talking about? You just didn't want me mad at you.
You're always mad at me, and that's never stopped us before.
Besides, I'm not dumping you.
What do you call moving to Minneapolis? It doesn't mean we have to break up.
Yeah, well, think about it.
I mean, you're gonna out there, partying with your friends.
You're gonna meet somebody else, And I'm gonna be stuck down here spending my nights Watching Bonanza with Dan and Roseanne! No way! Hey, I didn't say I was gonna go.
Look, If you don't want me to take the job, I won't take it.
I can't tell you what to do.
Don't go.
Okay.
Yeah, sure.
I won't go.
You mean it? You won't? I said so, didn't I? Oh, I love you so much.
Subtle, mom.
Look, I got to go in.
So what are you doing tomorrow? [scoffs.]
guess I'm looking for a job.
Well, I'll come with.
Hey, everything's gonna be great, okay? Bye.
[theme from Bonanza.]
[Roseanne.]
these cereal bowls aren't gonna clean themselves, Darlene.
Did you hear me? Darlene? Darlene! Mom wants you.
Bite me.
Uh-oh.
Somebody needs a hug! Just go away, okay? What's wrong with you? Nothing.
I'm just tired.
No wonder.
You were tossing and turning all night.
What, do you watch me while I sleep? Yes, Becky.
You fascinate me.
You know, sometimes the drool on your pillow It isn't always yours.
God, I hate you.
Just go to school.
Aren't you gonna give me a ride? I'm not going.
You'll have to get to detention by yourself today.
You're cutting school? But you like high school, Becky, remember? You're a geek.
I'm helping Mark find a job.
Oh, that's a great idea.
I'll cut too and help him find his shoes.
I'm going along for the support, Darlene.
I don't know why you even bother.
It's not like anybody's gonna hire the amazing idiot boy.
Oh, yeah? Well, the amazing idiot boy Got offered a great job in Minneapolis.
Then why is he still looking? Because he decided to find something around Lanford.
Wait a minute.
You mean, he had a chance to get out of this hole, and he's not? God, he just made king of the idiot boys.
He's doing it for me, okay? He said he'd stay if I wanted him to, and I said stay.
Good boy, Mark! Hey, maybe now you can train him not to drink out of the toilet.
I didn't force him.
He asked me.
Hey, relax, Becky.
It's not like I care.
God, why in the hell do I talk to you? I know what I'm doing.
Oh, sure.
I mean, actually you're doing him a favor by keeping him here.
Now when he fulfills his destiny as a big, fat loser, He'll have someone to blame.
Listen to this.
"Mavis Mcgowan, 64, "beloved wife of Arthur, sister of Helen, "of a heart attack Tuesday morning.
Cherished long-time receptionist at the Lanford clinic.
" Oh, that's too bad.
But I couldn't be a receptionist.
You got to know how to type.
Read me another one.
I can't believe we didn't find anything.
I mean, 11 people with perfectly good jobs died last week.
Well, I'm not qualified for those jobs.
Didn't somebody get their head caught in an orange julius machine or something? Hang in there.
We'll keep looking.
Oh, there's nothing to choose from.
It's too bad there's not a holiday weekend coming up.
Roseanne, there's a printing company moving into the old wilman plant.
So? So, listen to this.
"no experience required.
No references needed.
No training necessary"" Wow! Hurray, at last! A crappy job! When's the interview? This morning at 10.
Oh, well, I can't go, because I told Dan I'd be down at the shop.
You know, it's the last day.
Oh, well, you can be a little late for that.
Or I'll cover for you.
I swear, I'll sell my butt off.
Maybe the interview wouldn't take that long.
Yeah, come on.
Let me do it for you.
Please, let me do it for you.
God, is this what you're like on a date? Well, I'm gone.
Isn't Becky driving you to school? No, not today.
Why not? She had some stuff to do.
It's no biggie.
But she is going to school, right? Well, of course she is.
Yeah.
I want you to look into my eyes and tell me that you're not lying.
Mom, that only works on D.
J.
Then you have nothing to worry about.
I'm not lying.
Hmm, hmm.
Well, I know everything I need to know.
You can go.
Was she lying? I don't know.
It only works on D.
J.
Becky, get down here! Now, Roseanne, you got to get to the interview.
You don't have time for a fight.
It's not a fight.
It's-it's an ambush.
Morning, everybody.
Great day to go belly-up, isn't it? Boy, you're in good spirits.
Well, it just feels like one of those days that starts off with a hearty breakfast And ends with some guy on the news saying, "before turning the gun on himself" So now I have to make you breakfast? Honey, I won't have the strength to reload.
All right.
Sit down.
I'll fix you something.
Well, better make it quick, Roseanne.
Got to get going.
Going where? Well, I got a job interview.
Honey, today's the last day at the shop.
I need you to help out.
Well, I know that, but Jackie will be there.
Yeah, but you know the inventory.
She doesn't know what goes.
Well, I'll fill her in, okay? Everything goes.
Got it.
I'm gonna go home and change, and I'll meet you down at the shop.
Roseanne, it's gonna be a really tough day for me.
I need you down there.
Can't you do this tomorrow? The job might not be there tomorrow.
Well, I sure as hell know the shop won't.
Well, Dan, what are we talking about? An hour, for crying out loud? I got to get a job, don't I? Isn't that part of the plan? You're acting like I'm cutting out on you.
[loudly.]
it's not like I'm trying to ditch school or anything.
Jeez.
I'm gonna kill Darlene.
And then as soon as you do that, you are gonna go to school, right? I can't.
I'm gonna be with Mark.
Yeah.
I don't know about you, Roseanne, But I'm sure tired of hearing about Mark.
I'd like to hear a little bit more about how Becky's going to school today.
Well, she's not.
I don't have time for this.
You've got to go to school.
You don't understand.
I don't have to understand! Just go! Oh, Dan, you're mad at me and you're taking it out on Becky.
Keep going.
You know, you act like you're the only ones with problems around here.
Boy! You are the most selfish piece of work I have ever seen in my life! Do you have any idea what we're going through? Do you have any idea what I'm going through? Today may be the last day I'll ever see Mark again, okay? What are you talking about? He got a job offer in Minneapolis, And I'm telling him to take it, and it's all 'cause of you.
Excuse me? If you knew how to run a business, He'd still have a job and he wouldn't be leaving.
Now I don't have Mark, I don't have college, I don't have anything! You blew it, dad! You blew it for everyone in this family! Becky, you shut up! Come on, mother! You know it! Everybody knows it.
I'm the only one with the guts to say it.
[door opens, slams.]
That is not true, Dan.
I would have the guts to say it.
[Jackie.]
attention, shoppers.
Blue-light special.
For the next 10 minutes, all fork braces Are going for Much less than they are now! How much for bumper hitches? Son, pick one out and we'll talk.
Look, man, you're closing up the place, right? Now, do you think anybody's gonna walk in here in the next few hours And offer you this much cash for that bike? Nobody with your boyish charm.
All right.
Tell you what.
Sold.
Hey, Dan.
Hey, gil.
How you doin', buddy? Oh, worst day of my life, thanks.
We all feel pretty bad about what you're going through.
We just want you to let us know if there's anything we can do.
Hey, you know that guy that just left here, He's getting on his bike right now? His registration is way past due.
Yeah? You want lights and sirens? How about something in a hail of gunfire? We'll see what we can do.
I'm just kidding.
Hey, Dan.
Hey, Crys, what are you doing down here? Oh, I just thought I'd come down, browse around, see if there's anything I need.
Crystal, you don't have to do that.
This isn't charity, Dan.
I need this.
Crystal, you don't need a bike seat.
I really need this bike seat, Dan.
Now, how much do I owe you? $200.
For that thing? Well, no wonder you're going out of business, Dan.
Hey, Roseanne, tell me you're employed.
Hey, Jackie, tell me you're married.
Oh, no.
What happened? What happened was that for 6 jobs.
So I'm standing there for 3 hours drinking coffee Just so some punk kid can ask me if I have any special skills.
I told him, yeah, bladder control.
Hi, Crystal.
Hey.
Hey [baby talk.]
They just love their new fork braces.
Yeah, well, they're at that age.
So how's it going around here? Well, we are about out of business.
So it's a success? How's Dan taking it? [baby crying.]
like a man.
That bad, huh? [imitating engine.]
Aw, come on, Dan.
Biggest day in the history of the shop, And the best I can do is not lose my house.
[chuckles.]
the '90s.
Who knew? This was my one shot.
Oh, you don't know that.
[inhales deeply.]
rose, this sucks.
Nothing you can say is gonna make it any better.
So you just want to wallow for a while? Yes.
Okay, well, then when you're done wallowing, We'll go home, and, well, I'll light some candles And put on some soft music, and then we'll slip into bed And I'll rub your feet and then I'll rub your back And then You know.
Or we could go to lobo and get drunk.
Oh, okay! [phone ringing.]
Lanford cycle.
Yeah, I'll accept the charges.
Becky, where are you? Minnesota? What's she doing in Minnesota? What's going on? What the hell are you talking about? What do you mean, you got married? Give me that phone.
Becky! Mom Mom, come on.
So, uh, how'd it go? Okay.
Better than I expected.
[engine revs.]
[Roseanne.]
Becky! Becky Is this some kind of joke? If you're not really married, I'm gonna kill you! And if you are really married, I'm gonna kill you.
Becky! Becky! Becky, this is the stupidest thing you've ever done! You get your butt back here right now, do you hear me? Okay, okay, okay.
What I meant was, it's not too late to come home.
We aren't mad at you.
We just want to know you're safe.
Becky, are you listening? Talk to me.
Becky, I know you're there.
I can hear you breathing.