Rules of Engagement s05e01 Episode Script

Oh, my God.
You're gonna be our surrogate.
She's gonna be our surrogate.
I know.
I've been here the whole time.
We're just excited.
I'm excited too.
I'll see you guys soon? Okay.
Okay.
Hi, there.
Russell Dunbar.
Pam Nelson.
Oh, I know a Pam Nelson.
She finds me charming and adorable.
Wait, that's you.
Wow.
Has that line ever worked? Ha.
We'll see.
No! Can you believe it? I mean, after all that searching.
And she's perfect.
She was perfect when she left our apartment.
Let's go inside.
You know, I was thinking, sometimes these things-- inside.
And so Bartholomew Vader named the device after his daughter, Ella.
That's why they call it the " Ella-Vader.
" Really? So it has nothing to do with the fact that it elevates, huh? No.
In fact, Bartholomew almost named it after himself.
The "Barth-Vader.
" Well, it was- -it was nice talking to you.
Yeah.
You too.
So where are you headed? Oh, really? I'm heading that way too.
Let's share a cab.
Oscar, did you see a blond lady with what looks like a smaller blond lady? Yes.
I just got a cab for them.
Why? Why did you do that? Because they tipped me.
If you'd like, I can explain what that means.
Pick up.
Pick up.
Pick up.
Yay.
Voicemail.
Russell, the woman that you're with is the surrogate that Audrey and I hired to carry our child.
Do not touch her.
Stay off.
Get off her! * How many ways to say I love you? * * how many ways to say that I'm not scared * * with you by my side * * there is no denying * * that I can't wait for me and you * Russell Dunbar's office.
Oh, hello, Mr.
Bingham.
What? Oh, dear.
So you want me to track down my boss before he pollutes your would-be surrogate? Just another day at the office for Timmy.
Look, it's important.
You remember that time Russell touched one of Audrey's french fries? Well, imagine if that french fry was gonna carry her child.
Instead of just touching it, he whips out-- yes, sir, analogy noted.
I'll find him.
Um, I think my first stop will be the laser light show at the planetarium.
He's into that? No, he just finds that the show leaves women confused and disoriented.
He's into that.
Well, see, if he touches Pam, I'm gonna confuse and disorient his face.
And with that pithy bon mot from your rapier-like wit, I'm off.
What? That is such great news.
We are so happy for you.
Yeah, congrats.
Hey, you know, we might use a surrogate too.
Why would we do that? Well, with a surrogate, you won't get all big and bloated.
And let's be honest, we all know where the baby comes out.
No, I don't.
Where? Don't make me say it.
Hey, there they are.
Oh, hey, congrats on the surrogate, Buddy.
Thanks.
Jeff, where did you just go? I just, uh, ran down the stairs and then, uh, back up again.
Why? That's great exercise.
It's great exercise.
And you guys have to be in good shape if you're gonna be chasing a kid around.
What, are you a mind reader? 'Cause that's exactly what I was doing.
You know, running the stairs could be the answer to my problem.
What problem? The other day, my wallet fell out of my back pocket.
You know, and it used to fit all snuggly in my pants.
ButMy butt's getting smaller.
He's worried he's gonna end up like his dad.
You mean with a son who tells really dull stories? No.
His dad has just about no rear end at all.
It's lower back straight into legs.
It's almost to the point where he can't use a conventional chair.
Running the stairs could give me the rounded, muscular buttocks I want.
That we want.
That's a great story.
Let's end this visit on a high note.
Congrats again, you guys.
Hey, what do you want to be for Halloween this year? Can you believe we are that much closer to being parents? Yeah, it's really freaky.
Give me Pam's number.
I want to call her.
Why? You know, thank her for letting us use her innards.
Oh.
I like your enthusiasm.
Don't like "innards.
" Voicemail.
Hey, give it to me.
Pam, hey, it's Jeff Bingham.
Listen, we already miss you and we really want to talk to you so call me back as soon as you can.
And, uh, you know, for instance, say you're gonna do some activity.
Call me before you do the activity.
Call me.
And Audrey says "hey.
" What? I'm excited about having a baby.
God, I--sometimes I feel like I'm alone in this.
Whoa.
Yeah.
It's pretty wild, huh? I guess they started doing these shows in the mid-'70s before I was born.
I'm young.
Yeah, it's--it's hypnotic.
I'm actually starting to get a little dizzy and light-headed.
Really? That's wildly unexpected.
Maybe we should get out of here and go somewhere else.
Yeah, okay.
Wow.
My neck's a little tight.
Hopefully the next place we go doesn't involve me staring up at the ceiling.
That'll be your call.
Come on, Jeff.
Keep up.
Running the stairs was your idea.
Yeah.
This is exactly how I was hoping it would play out.
Keep going.
Getting a call.
It's probably death letting me know he's on his way.
It's a client.
You go, I'll catch up.
If you can catch up.
If that's a challenge, consider it accepted.
What a nightmare.
Timmy.
What's up? You find Russell? No, but thanks to the second-hand smoke, I have found a tasty buzz.
Come on, Timmy, you got to keep it together, all right? What's your next move? Well, I thought we needed someone to stake out Mr.
Dunbar's apartment in case he brings Pam there.
So I asked Jennifer.
Not Adam? I tried, but he said he was busy, sir.
Oh, hey, Buddy.
Time to start working my ass.
Whoo! It's too bad.
Could've made a valuable member of the team.
Well, I'm off to the hot dog place on 72nd street.
Russell takes girls out for a weiner.
That's real subtle.
No, but if I don't get a chili cheese dog soon, it will assuredly harsh my mellow.
All right, Timmy, I'm in the hallway.
Excellent.
Excellent hot dogs.
Ugh.
So this is the place where hope and dignity go to die.
Jennifer.
I knew you'd come around.
I need about 20 minutes to reload.
Please tell me that you weren't just with a woman named Pam.
Let me think.
"Oh, Pam.
Oh, Pam.
Do it, Pam!" Yeah, it was Pam.
Wait, how did you know that? I only tweeted it like five minutes ago.
@russelldunbar.
You follow me.
Russell? Yeah, babe.
Is it all right if I take a quick shower? Sure, babe.
Don't you need to go start the hidden shower cam? No.
It's motion activated.
You have no idea what you've just done.
All I've done is done made meself pretty tired.
Oh, noooo! Jennifer, what's wrong? You saw what? Oh, my.
Hey, Timmy, what's up? Oh, no.
Oh, God.
Okay.
No pain, no gain, old man.
Whoa! Where's Russell? Mr.
Bingham.
Yes.
Ah, hi there.
I'm so sorry, but Mr.
Dunbar's not available right now.
Um, of course, you're more than welcome to leave a message.
But, uh, I'm afraid you can't go in there.
SoNn.
Mr.
Bingham's here to see you, sir.
Thank you, Timmy.
You defiled our surrogate! I ought to smack that spray tan right off of you! Won't work.
I got burnt sienna.
Guaranteed for five days.
Timmy, get back in here.
No.
Listen, dude, I'm sorry, but it's not my fault.
When Jen told me who she was, I felt horrible.
And I only had sex with her again because, you know, I wanted to have sex with her again.
You've ruined it for us! Really? Is the thought of her being with me that disgusting? Absolutely.
I agree.
I'm not that bad of a guy despite all your joking.
Am I laughing? Hard to tell.
Your face doesn't move a lot.
Audrey's gonna hate this even more than I do.
Oh, yeah.
She's not a fan of mine.
That's why you don't tell her a thing.
No, that's not how we're gonna play this.
You're gonna come over and you're gonna tell her.
* duh-duh duh! * how do you turn this damn thing off? The blue button, sir.
Ha.
Just kidding.
It's the red one.
I can't tell Audrey, dude.
She'll kill me.
No, no.
Pam's gonna be around.
She'll see you.
It's better Audrey find out now then after I paid her all that money.
Or even worse, after she's all goofed up with our baby stuff.
Ah.
Dude, I'm sorry.
I feel for you, Buddy.
But I'm not telling Audrey.
And you can't make me.
Timmy, I'm gonna step out for a bit.
Hold my calls.
Yes, sir.
Oh.
She's not here.
Okay, cool.
Well, later, lurch.
Hey, Jeff Oh, why is that here? He's here for a reason.
He has something to tell you.
Russ.
Hey, aud, um, we were just cruising around the neighborhood and, um I, uh, I hooked up with, uh, your surrogate and it won't happen again.
And I'm sorry.
That's really good.
That was very good.
You guys almost had me.
Aha ha ha.
The look on your face was priceless.
Truly classic.
Got to go.
Russell.
Be a man.
No.
Audrey, I actually did have sex with Pam.
I'm speechless.
So this is what it takes.
I swear I didn't know she was your surrogate.
I just met her like normal.
And then I asked her out.
And then we went to my house.
And then the usual, you know? Twice.
I knew it.
I knew it.
It was too perfect.
I knew something had to go wrong.
I just didn't know how horribly, horribly wrong.
Okay, we have fun.
We do.
But, seriously, what's so bad about me? You're sleazy, indiscriminate, deceitful, shallow, lustful.
And you shame both women and yourself.
Some chicks go for that.
I can't believe this.
We can't use Pam now.
Why not? She slept with you.
So, obviously, she drinks too much.
She had one glass of wine.
Oh, so she does drugs.
She didn't do any drugs! None that she knew of.
I didn't slip her-- I'm starting to question how you see me.
You can go now.
No.
I won't be going.
I've been disrespected.
And I'm not leaving here till I get an apology.
How about that? Ow.
Apology accepted.
How's the ass blasting going? You tell me.
So what are you thinking? Well, on the one hand, am I angry about what Russell did? You betcha.
Did I fantasize about getting revenge? Sure did.
Did I go online and look up poisons that can't be detected in an autopsy? Who wouldn't? You could just feed him your meatloaf.
But despite what happened, I still think Pam would make a great surrogate.
I mean, logically, that hasn't changed.
Right.
What do you think? I'm the one doing all the talking here.
It's been that way since the wedding.
What the hell is wrong with you? I'm sorry.
Look, I'm not thrilled about what happened either.
But I remember how excited and relieved we were when we found Pam.
Yes.
I remember that too.
So here--this is where I stand.
I just want you to be happy.
I want us to be happy.
You know what, let's keep Pam.
Yeah? Yes.
Yes.
We are too big and powerful to let Russell have any effect on us.
That's right.
We're huge.
Yeah.
He's nothing.
We are not going to let him ruin this for us.
No, we are not.
In fact, I am going to transfer the fee to Pam right now.
Good.
By hitting this button right here, which will remove a large sum of money from our account and send it to hers.
Do it.
I will.
Because you are positive that you're okay with her.
I am.
You don't have to worry.
Go ahead.
Do it.
It's done.
Good.
And you know what, now that all of this is behind us, I feel even more positive about Pam than I did before.
I'm glad to hear that.
Mm.
Now it's actually done.
Push! Push! Push! Waaaaah.
Waaaah.
Waaa-haaa-haaa-haaa.
Uh, he's good and hungry.
Uh-uh, mama.
No bottle.
I want the real thing.
Now whip them puppies out.
Ah.
Oh! Oh, God.
Oh, God, Jeff.
Wake up.
Wake up.
I just had the worst dream.
You'll wake the baby.
Too late.
I'm up.
Aaaah! Aaaah! Ah ah ah! We need a new surrogate? Okay.
So anyway, that's why we had to let Pam go.
There is good news.
Remember how we used to have thousands of dollars more than we needed? I'm sorry, you guys.
Well, it looks like we're back on the market for a surrogate.
What about Jen? What about Jen for what? To be their surrogate.
What are you talking about? We owe them.
And they've always done nice stuff for us.
Remember we left for the week and they took in our mail for us? How about we give them a nice bottle of wine? Yeah.
Probably be less wear and tear on your rig.
Here's an idea: Why don't you think before you talk? Will do.
Oh, sheesh, I got to go.
This guy at the gym promised he was gonna go nuts on my ass.
So you and Audrey are back on the surrogate hunt? Yeah.
Thanks again for that.
You know, if I may, next time, you go with a real uggo.
You know, make sure she's russell-proof.
That's an interesting thought.
Or how about this: You go anywhere near our next surrogate and I pound you until there's nothing but a red puddle of bad '70s hair.
It's always good to have choices.
Hey.
How's the gym? That guy blast your ass? No.
Why not? Turns out we were talking about two different things.