Seinfeld s05e01 Episode Script

How about the seedless watermelon? What an invention.
Scientists are working on this.
Other scientists devote their lives to fighting cancer, AIDS.
These guys go, "No, I'm focusing on melon.
Oh, sure, thousands of people are dying needlessly but this, that's gotta stop.
You ever try and pick a wet one up off the floor? It's almost impossible.
I'm devoting my life to that.
" So I guess if they can get rid of the seeds, the rind is going next.
What do we need that for? They're not gonna stop until they're making ready-to-eat fruit cups growing right out of the ground.
-So, what's her name? -Karen.
-She nice? -Great.
-So you like her? -I think so.
You don't know? I can't tell anymore.
-Well, do you feel anything? -Feel? What's that? Let me ask you this.
When she comes over, you cleaning up a lot? -Yeah.
-Straightening up or cleaning? -Cleaning.
-You do the tub? -Yeah.
-On your knees, Ajax -hands, scrubbing, the whole deal? -Yeah.
Okay.
I think you're in love.
-Tub is love? -Tub is love.
You got a nice girl and a clean apartment.
Yep.
Just one little problem.
-Sexual? -Yeah.
Well I've never really felt confident in one particular aspect.
-Below the equator? -Yeah.
Nobody does.
You know, nobody knows what to do.
You just close your eyes, you hope for the best.
I really think they're happy if you just make an effort.
I don't know.
Last time I got the tap.
You got the tap? You're going along, you think everything's all right and all of a sudden you get that tap.
It's like, "All right, that's enough.
You're through.
" Yeah.
-The tap is tough.
-It's like the manager coming out -and asking you for the ball.
-Yeah.
Maybe she wanted to move on to other business.
No, no, this wasn't moving on.
I got the hook.
I wish I could get a lesson in that.
It's a very complicated area.
You could go crazy trying to figure that place out.
It's a hazy mystery.
Anyway, I think everything else is okay unless, of course, she's faking.
-Who's faking? -Nothing.
-Faking what? -Nobody's faking.
-Orgasms? -She's not faking.
-How do you know? -I know.
I can tell.
It's one of my powers.
Why? Did you ever fake? -Of course.
-Really? -You've faked? -On occasion.
-And the guy never knows? -No.
How can he not know that? Because I was good.
I guess after that many beers, he's probably a little groggy anyway.
Well, you didn't know.
What's that? You didn't know.
-Are you saying--? -I think I'll have a piece of cake.
-With me? -Well.
-You faked with me? -Yeah.
-You faked with me? -Yes.
-No.
You faked it? -Yes.
I faked it.
That whole thing, the whole production, it was all an act? Not bad, huh? What about the breathing, the panting, the moaning, the screaming? Fake, fake, fake, fake.
I'm stunned.
I'm shocked.
How many times did you do this? -All the time.
-All the time? I think I'll have a chocolate malted here.
But I'm so good.
I'm sure you are.
Jerry, listen, it wasn't you.
I just didn't have them back then.
She faked.
-Maybe they've all been faking.
-I'm sure they're not.
Maybe Karen is faking.
-She was probably joking.
-No, no.
It was no joke.
-She didn't have any? -No, none.
-She faked them all? -Faked them all.
Well, so she faked them.
So what? The woman had an orgasm under false pretenses.
That's sexual perjury.
You know, I heard her screaming from my apartment.
She woke me up a few times.
How did she do it? She's like Meryl Streep, this woman.
And I know how to work the equipment.
I'm not unskilled, I'm in the union.
I mean, if she'd told me, maybe I could have done something.
Yeah, I could've helped you out.
-What could you have done? -I could've given you some pointers.
I know how to press those buttons, buddy.
Well, I'm feeling very inadequate about the whole thing.
Don't: I'm supposed to do something with her later.
I don't even wanna see her.
Hello? Oh, hello, Elaine.
So we having dinner tonight? I don't know.
I'm not really in the mood.
Why? What's wrong? You're not still thinking about earlier, are you? What, the grilled cheese? No, they always burn the toast.
No, the other thing.
Oh, that.
Well.
Oh, come on, Jerry.
You're making too much of a big deal about it.
-I guess.
So you wanna meet at 7:30? -Okay.
-All right.
Bye.
-All right, see you later.
Bye.
Renee, can you come here a second? Let me ask you something.
Have you ever, you know -faked it? -Yeah, sometimes.
-Really, like when? -lf we went to a Broadway show -if we had really good seats.
-Yeah, well.
You know, if it's enough already, and I just wanna get some sleep.
-I really don't feel like seeing her.
-You know, I faked it.
-What? -Yeah.
-You faked it? -Yeah.
-Why would you do that? -Well, you know if it's enough already, and I just wanna get some sleep.
Yeah, but why would you--? -Bad peach? -It's terrible! -Did you get that at Joe's? -Of course I got it at Joe's.
Surprising.
His fruit's usually the best.
You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna return this.
-You're returning used fruit? -Jerry, this peach is subpar.
-So, what do you want me to do? -I want restitution.
Restitution? You want restitution? -Why should I give you restitution? -It's no good.
-Once I put it out, it ends for me.
-It's still your fruit.
-You gotta stand behind your fruit.
-I stand behind my fruit.
-So? -Hey, you got a bad peach that's an act of God.
He makes the peaches.
I sell the peaches.
You got a problem, you talk to him.
You know, this whole place is goingdownhill.
I could've come in here last week with a bad plum, but I let it go.
Take your business elsewhere.
I don't want your business.
-Now you don't want my business? -I don't.
And at this moment, you're banned from this store.
You're banned! But what am I gonna do for fruit? You seem like you really enjoyed your risotto.
You have a very contented air over there.
You look very contented, very satisfied.
-Are you satisfied? -I'm very satisfied.
I'm sure if you weren't satisfied, you would say something, wouldn't you? -I probably would.
-Sure.
But then again, I'm an enigma.
Hey, listen, instead of the movie maybe we'll go back and you know.
Maybe.
So you feel okay about that whole thing what we do in there.
You're generally okay with everything in there? Generally.
Do you feel the way you feel after the risotto? Well, no.
I feel full after the risotto.
Yeah.
Oh, God.
Satisfied? Hey, you know what? You wanna go see that new Meryl Streep movie? -Meryl Streep? -You don't like her? She's okay.
God, I love her, Jerry.
She's so authentic.
You believe everything is actually happening to her.
No acting there.
-Yeah.
You don't want coffee, do you? -I really admire actors, you know.
It's just such an incredible skill to pull that off.
Yeah, yeah.
Can we get off of this? -What's the matter? -Nothing.
You're not still thinking about that, are you? -No, no.
-Oh, good.
Give me another shot.
-What? -Another shot.
I want another shot.
-You mean? -Yes.
-Oh, no.
I don't think so.
-Come on.
One shot.
I could do it.
I know I could do it.
Jerry, we're friends.
We can't do that.
It would ruin our friendship.
Oh, friendship.
Friendship, schmiendship.
-No, that's important to me.
-We won't ruin the friendship.
-Yes, we will.
-Elaine.
No, Jerry, it is out of the question.
You know what sex does to a friendship.
It kills it.
Half-hour.
Give me a half-hour.
-No.
-Okay, 1 5 minutes.
I guarantee you, 1 5 minutes, I can make it happen.
No.
You're worried I'll be able to do it, aren't you? No, it doesn't matter.
Jerry, I don't care.
No, that's it.
That's it.
You like having this over me.
-You don't want me to do it.
-That is so ridiculous.
-Come on, Elaine! -No.
-Elaine.
-No! -It's Jerry's fault.
-Jerry? Jerry and Elaine.
They made me nuts.
Oh, I don't care, George.
Really, it's all right.
So you feel okay? Well, it's not like after the risotto.
Well, good night.
I still don't understand why we had to walk out on that movie.
Oh, that Meryl Streep, she's such a phony baloney.
Good night.
Thanks for a really fabulous evening.
-Oh, what, you're upset? -Yes, I'm upset.
Can't you tell? No, I can't.
Maybe you're faking.
I'm really, really sorry I told you that.
-I'm sorry too.
-Well, stop being such a baby.
-You're a baby! -You're a baby! It's all your fault.
You and Elaine, all that orgasm talk.
She did have an orgasm, she didn't.
Orgasm this, orgasm that.
I got so focused on it.
I started to panic andI lost it.
I tried everything.
I was talking to him.
"Please wake up.
Do something.
" They're mysterious little fellows, aren't they? I hate him.
You know, it happens to everybody.
Happened to Houdini.
And he could get out of a trunk with his hands in chains.
But he had a problem with that.
-The miracle is that it ever happens.
-It's like a magic trick.
Sometimes I think it would be easier to bend a spoon mentally than to make that transformation.
-Hey.
-Hey.
Listen if I give you money, will you go out and get me some fruit? -Why can't you get it? -Well, I got banned from the store.
I can't go back in there now.
-What happened? -We had a fight over the peach and Joe doesn't want my business.
-Hey, is that a joke about Houdini? -No.
-I told you not to say anything.
-What am I gonna do for fruit? -You'll have to go to the supermarket.
-The supermarket? Impossible.
They don't have a decent piece of fruit at the supermarket.
The apples are mealy.
The oranges are dry.
I don't know what's going on with the papayas.
You gotta go to Joe's.
You gotta get me some fruit.
So, what, am I gonna buy all your fruit now? Well, if Houdini couldn't do it, what chance do I have? Hello? Oh, hi, Patty.
Thanks for calling me back.
I wanted to ask a question.
When we were going out did you have orgasms? Okay.
Thanks.
No, that's it.
Yeah.
Okay, bye.
Patty Lawrence had them.
-I'll make you a fruit list, all right? -Yeah.
Hello, Elaine? Patty Lawrence had orgasms.
What do you think about that? And I got calls in to six other women.
I bet they confirm an orgasm too.
So, what do you have to say now, Elaine? Hello? -I feel like I'm doing something wrong.
-All right, now here's the list.
All this? It's too much.
-What do you need five mangoes for? -I like mangoes.
Avocado? I don't know how to pick out an avocado.
-Well, they gotta be soft.
-How soft? But not too soft.
See, better too hard than too soft.
I'm not going through this every week.
I'll you that right now.
What are these, plums? What is that? Yeah.
Now, get the ones that are red on the inside.
How do I know what they look like inside? What do they look like on the outside? -Oh, and get some plantains.
-Plantains? -Yes.
-What's a plantain? It's in the banana family.
It's a delicacy.
You're not getting any plantains.
-Hey, Joe.
-How's it going? Good.
Just getting some fruit for myself.
Gotta have fruit in the house.
I like it as a snack.
Wholesome natural, chock-full of vitamins.
All right, let's see.
Mangoes.
Four plums with red on the inside.
An avocado.
Just right.
And three plantains ought to do it.
-All right, just hold it right there.
-What? This fruit isn't for you.
-What are you talking about? -You think I don't know, huh? Mangoes, plantains, plums with the red on the inside? That's Kramer.
-I can't buy mangoes and plantains? -All right, get out.
-You're making a big mistake, Joe.
-I don't want your business either.
-Are you banning me from the store? -That's exactly what I'm saying.
-I'm banned? -You're banned.
-All right, where do you want it? -Put it over there.
Yes.
-This stuff is heavy.
-Oh, great.
What do you got? Look at these.
These mangoes are beautiful.
Oh, those are beautiful.
You did good.
-Yeah, yeah.
-Yeah.
-All right, I gotta get going.
-What are you doing? I got a date with Karen.
I don't know what I'm gonna do.
There's nothing happening down there.
You're thinking about too much, putting too much emphasis on it.
I knew this was gonna happen someday.
It was inevitable.
I've known it ever since I was a little kid.
I've been waiting for it.
This mango is delicious.
That reminds me.
I'm not getting you guys any more fruit.
That guy was eyeballing me the whole time.
Gave me the creeps.
All right, you owe me 28.
60.
Gee, sorry, I don't have any cash.
I only got hundreds.
You see, l-- I knew it.
Come on, we're gonna pay you.
Have some mango.
-I don't want any mango.
-Come on, take some.
It's good.
Yeah.
It's very good.
Juicy.
Ripe.
Boy, this Joe's got some terrific fruit.
What? I feel like I got a B1 2 shot.
-This is like a taste explosion.
-I told you.
What is it? I think it moved.
Oh, my God.
I think it moved.
Here, give me the big piece.
-I'll see you later.
-Hey, George.
I'm back, baby! I'm back! -Do you want some mango? -No, thanks.
Well, well.
If it isn't the first lady of the American theater.
What brings you here? Just gonna return some of your things that were in my house.
And I've got some things of yours here.
-I know.
-Well, I'll get them.
-I'm waiting.
-All right then.
-You got my fins? -Yeah, I got your fins.
-Do you have my poker chips? -I got your poker chips.
-You got my goggles? -They're next to the fins.
-You got my cards? -They're next to the poker chips.
All right.
-Guess that just about does it.
-I guess.
-Okay, well, see you around.
-Yeah, see you.
All right, let's go.
I'll give you half an hour.
-What? -Come on.
-Are you serious? -Look, Jerry we have to have sex to save the friendship.
Sex to save the friendship.
Well, if we have to, we have to.
Oh, George.
Please, it's not necessary.
What's not necessary? The little extra moan you threw in there.
Laying it on a bit thick, don't you think? -What are you talking about? -What am I talking about? Come on.
You don't think I bought all that.
-Bought what? -No, you're very good.
Very good with the moanings and the gyrations.
You really had me going there for a minute.
You think I was faking? Come on.
With the, "Oh, George.
Oh, George!" Come on.
Not that I don't appreciate the effort that was put into the performance.
I'd like you to leave.
-What? -I said, I would like you to leave.
-Just get your clothes on and get out.
-But why? Because I said so! -I can't find my glasses.
-Well, hurry up.
-Let me look for my glasses.
-Get out.
Get out.
Get out.
It's all George's fault.
All that talk about impotence, it got to me.
And that orgasm stuff.
Orgasm this and orgasm that.
It's a lot of pressure.
I'm a little hungry.
You wouldn't happen to have any of that mango left? The female orgasm, it's kind of like the Batcave.
Very few people know where it is.
And if you're lucky enough to see it you probably don't know how you got there and you can't find your way back after you leave.
There are two types of female orgasm, the real and the fake.
And I'll tell you right now, as a man, we don't know.
We do not know.
Because to men, sex is like a car accident and determining the female orgasm is like being asked: "What did you see after the car went out of control?" "I heard a lot of screeching sounds.
I remember I was facing the wrong way at one point.
And in the end, my body was thrown clear.
"