The Middle s05e01 Episode Script

One of the great challenges faced by parents throughout history is getting their kids up for the first day of school unless they're going to college.
I am so out of here! Dad, come on! Let's go! You gotta drop me off at college! - What? - I am gone.
Dad's giving me a ride up to college, so lates.
- Axl.
- Ugh.
Fine.
Later.
Come on, pops.
Meet you at the front door.
Uh, we're all going, not just "pops.
" We're all taking you up to college.
Why? It's an iconic moment, Axl.
It's an iconic moment for us and for you and our whole family, and we're all gonna do it together.
Told you she wouldn't go for it.
Ugh.
Fine.
Just don't shower or try to look nice or anything.
I want to get there before all the hot chicks put on the Freshmen 10.
Okay, now, I'm gonna go rip one last fart in Sue's room, and then let's hit the road.
This is it, huh? Our little boy's really going to college.
This is it.
This is the moment.
Hey.
Hey, come on.
He's only 42 minutes away.
We're lucky he wasn't smart enough to go farther.
Yeah.
Brick, Sue, let's go! We got to take your brother to school.
Axl said just he and dad are going.
Well, Axl was wrong.
We are all taking Axl up to school.
What? No! I can't do that-- not today.
Today is when I find out if I'm gonna be a Junior Peer Leadership Adviser, and I don't want to miss the call.
Wait.
I thought you already did that last year.
No, that's mentoring the freshmen.
This is mentoring the sophomores who mentor the freshmen.
Being Junior Peer Leadership Adviser is the gateway to becoming Recording Secretary.
And I don't want to jinx anything, but I wrote a killer essay called "Leading When No One Is Looking, Listening, Or Letting You.
" And my interview went very well.
That's why I would also suggest "Mix It Up Mondays," where a student who is "More Popular" might have to make a student who is erroneously perceived as "Less Popular" their friend.
Well, they're gonna have to call you on the road, then, because this is an iconic moment, - and we are all taking Axl up to school.
- Mom! What did you even get him a car for if we all have to drive him? He left it up there at Orientation.
And I don't have to explain anything.
We're all taking your brother to school! Hey, Mr.
McCoy! Taking my oldest to college.
An iconic moment, huh? It just goes by so Okay.
Have a great day.
Hey.
You got your stuff? You all ready? Locked and loaded.
Wait.
That's it? That's all you're taking? That's not all you're taking to college.
What happened to the list they sent? That's my toothbrush.
What are you doing? What There's no clock, no shower caddy, no shower shoes.
Nothing in here is from the list they gave you.
I gave you money to get stuff off the list.
Relax.
I got stuff.
I got this.
Well, you haven't seen it blown up.
Also, I got a bag of sand.
You know, I'm going for, like, a tropical beach theme.
It's gonna be hot.
All right.
Ready to dump this kid? He didn't get anything from the list, Mike.
Even though he said he had it covered, apparently, it's not covered.
So now we're just gonna have to quick swing by Bed Bath And Between on our way to the college.
No.
No swinging by.
I just want to get there! Axl, I am not sending you to school with a palm tree and a bag of sand.
People will think you have lazy parents.
Well, they don't need to know that.
Well, this shower caddy has rubber on the bottom, and this one does not have rubber.
But I like the heft of the handle.
Okay, pretend you're walking down the dorm hallway to the shower.
How you feelin'? Awkward, 'cause my mom is walking me to the shower.
Oh, what the hell? Let's splurge on the rubber.
My kid doesn't go to college every day.
My boy's going to college.
Ooh! No-fog mirror.
You're gonna want this for shaving.
Ohh! Can you believe you shave? Mwah! Oh, shower radio! These are still fun, right? Mm.
Look, can we just go, please? Everyone's waiting in the car.
And I don't need anything.
I can just buy stuff when I get to school.
Yeah, with what? Uh, my scholarship money.
Duh.
I mean, don't they give it to me in, like, an envelope or something when I get there? There's no envelope, Axl.
It's already been spent on classes and room and board.
Are you serious? Let's see.
Shower shoes.
Shower shoes.
Ugh! Why do I even need shower shoes? So you don't get athlete's foot.
Already got it.
I'm good.
Well, you two look stumped.
Anything I can help you with? - Yes.
- No.
My oldest here is headed to East Indiana State.
We are so proud.
And the best part is, he got a scholarship.
I'll be at checkout.
Ugh! Not academic.
Let's go! Dad, make her go.
You really think he needs all this crap? A mini ironing board? It was on the list, Mike.
They wouldn't put it on the list if he didn't need it.
Everybody, keep labeling.
Little candles? Oh.
Those are for us for when we entertain outside.
We don't entertain outside.
Well, with Axl gone, we might.
Here, take your marker and label his collapsible rain poncho.
Hawaiian Breeze purse freshener? My firstborn is leaving! Excuse me if I would like my purse to smell fresh! - That doesn't smell like Hawaii.
- You've never even been to Hawaii.
Yeah, and we're never gonna get there if you keep our spending money on purse freshener.
Hold on.
- Now you got him a new cellphone? - No.
What-- he's already got a cellphone.
That's not for Axl.
It's for Brick.
What?! You really think Brick is responsible enough to have a cellphone? Why don't you throw it in the garbage right now? He's fine.
He's way better than he used to be.
He's gonna miss his brother.
He needs to text him.
Besides, he's gonna be in middle school this year.
I need to be able to keep track of him.
You know how he wanders.
Well, which is it-- he's responsible or he isn't? I don't know, Mike! But he's gonna love me a whole lot if I give him his own phone, and I need that right now.
Hey, Brick.
Look! We got you your own phone.
Oh? Wow.
Thanks.
Wow, guys.
This might be the last time we're all in the car together as a family.
Hey, you want to play a car game? Yeah.
No, no, no.
This'll be fun.
Everybody come up with their-- their top 10 favorite Axl memories.
Better plan-- six blocks away, you slow down, and I'll roll out.
Aah! This could be it! This could be it right now! Hello? It's not it.
It's Brad.
Cami Carfino-- out.
Merilee Turner-- out.
Thanks, Brad.
Okay, that leaves me, Nancy Seifried, and Karen Frick.
Karen's still a threat because she was really good in "Our Town.
" But Nancy has used foul language on several occasions, so I think I still have a shot.
Ah so boring! Drive faster.
Okay, if everybody's off the phone-- Shh! I'm on the phone.
Why are you on the phone? Who are you calling? You're the one that got him the phone.
You said I can only call friends and family.
I don't have any friends, so I'm calling Grandpa Tag.
No! Do not.
Do not call grandpa-- Hi, Grandpa Tag! He wants to talk to you.
Hang on.
Dad's making all these weird gestures.
I can't talk, Brick.
I'm-- I'm driving.
I'll talk to him.
Oh, that's okay.
Maybe the phone mom got me has some speaker.
No! Do not, Brick.
Do not put Grandpa Tag on-- Hiya, Mike! Hey! Tag! Hey, listen, we're-- we're-- we're driving Axl up to college.
I should probably concentrate on my driving.
Oh, yeah.
College boy, huh? Put him on.
Put him on.
Everybody's on, dad.
You're on speaker.
Listen, kid.
College is fun, but I got a mean case of the VD my freshman year.
Take him off speaker! Off speaker! And, you know, the strains now are even worse, so be careful.
Can you get him off speaker? Axl, help your brother get off speaker.
Hey, Axl, did you cash in on that Franklin Huntington bond we set up for ya? What? The savings bond grandma and I got when you were born, so you'd have a little spending money.
I mean, that thing's got to be worth-- Okay, dad, we just hit a deer! We got to go! Wait.
What did he mean about money? Did grandma and grandpa give me money? Oh, my God.
They did.
Did you steal my money? Oh, my God.
They stole my money.
Relax.
Nobody stole your money.
We just uh diversified your portfolio into food, clothes, braces.
Seriously? You wasted my money on Sue's ugly face? That thing's a black hole.
You could throw money at it forever.
It's never gonna get better.
- Mom! - Mike.
Hey.
Investments sometimes take a while to pan out.
This is outrageous! When was I gonna find out about this? I'm practically the head of the household.
How long have I been supporting you people? We just borrowed it during a desperate time.
We had no way of knowing that all the times would be desperate.
Look, we-- we spent plenty of money on you over the years.
I really don't think we owe you anything.
- Really? - Mm.
I have made life so easy for you people.
I got a scholarship to college, so you don't even have to pay for it.
I How much is college? Like, $2,000? Well, I want that, too, then! With interest! What is interest, Axl? Do you even know what interest is? I'm interested in getting my money back.
That's what I'm interested in.
I'm interested in getting my toothbrush back.
Calm down.
It's all gonna come back to you eventually.
It is all clearly spelled out in the Death Napkin.
Aah! La la la la la la la la! How come every time we get in this car, we end up talking about the Death Napkin?! Well, I'm sick of carrying you people.
When we get there, it's done.
The cash cow's leaving.
So good luck surviving on your own.
Wasting my hard-earned money on stupid stuff Oh, yeah? Who bought you the cool shower shoes you love so much, huh? I did! I bought them! I bought all of this.
You-- fine.
I'm eating all of the snacks out of the snack bag.
Give me that.
I paid for it.
Okay, whose phone's ringing? Uh, it's not mine.
Mine's lost.
Brick! Seriously? You just had it a second ago.
I know.
Weird, right? Shh! This is she.
I think it might've gone under the seat.
Brick, look under the seat.
Hey, there's money down here.
Look, I found a quarter.
That's mine! All of it's mine! Empty out your pockets.
I want it all.
- Uh-huh.
- Oh, found my phone.
See? He found it.
What? What? That's weird.
Oh, I think I stepped on it.
I think it's broken.
I'm not having any bars.
Here, I'm gonna try to get bars.
You're not calling any more family.
What do you mean you don't have my essay? No, you have my essay.
I-I turned in my essay.
My mom faxed it from her office.
Mom, they say my interview was great but they never got my essay.
You faxed my essay, right? You did fax my essay? Uh-oh.
In fairness to mom, you really never should've trusted her to fax it in the first place.
I mean, face it.
She's not the most responsible.
Look, we can fix it.
We'll fix this.
I-I still have it in my purse.
Maybe there's a Kinko's nearby and we can fax it now.
Ooh! Ooh! That's a good idea.
No! No Kinko's! The only "K" place we're going is college! Wait a minute.
Can we just call it? Can someone call the damn thing? Yes.
I We didn't write down the number.
Oh, wait.
I see something.
Never mind.
It's just half a squirrel.
Top half, everybody.
Okay, they said if I fax it by 2:00, they'll read it.
That's great! That's only 15 minutes.
It's not a problem.
We'll just quick swing by the copy place, and then we're off to college.
Axl, get back in the car! No! I'm walking to college.
It'll be faster.
You are not walking to college.
We're taking you.
Do I seriously need to explain to you what an iconic moment is? Axl, stop fooling around and get in the car.
We only have 15 minutes to try to find a Kinko's and get my essay faxed.
Nope.
I got my palm tree.
I got my quarters for laundry.
I'll see you in five years.
- Axl! - Get in the car! Axl, you are not ruining this for me! Axl! Get in the car! - This is kidnapping.
- Mm.
I've been kidnapped, and I'm probably gonna have to pay my own ransom.
I hate to tell you, you weren't even walking the right way.
Look, we are just gonna quick swing by a copy place, fax Sue's essay, and we're off to college lickety-split.
Ugh! No more swinging by stuff.
I got to get there first, or my roommate'll get the bigger bedroom.
Don't tell him.
It'll be fun to watch his face.
Mom, can I have my essay? I just want to look over what I wrote.
Sure.
Should I just read it out loud? No.
Well, so much for the phone.
Guess I wasn't ready.
You think your parents will know when you're ready for things and when you're not, but I guess that's not the case.
Clearly, there was a big misjudgment here.
And thank God it wasn't over something more dangerous.
No.
No.
No.
No! No, no, no! It's ruined! What? The whole second page is ruined.
It's-- it's-- look, it's all smeared! What did you have in your purse? - Nothing.
- Wh-- It smells like how I always imagined Hawaii would smell.
What'd I tell you? Oh, God.
Oh! Your purse freshener spilled all over my paper! Okay, okay.
Let's not panic.
You can re-create it.
Just try to remember what you said and write it down.
I don't know what I said! Okay, the first page is all about who my role models are-- Sheryl Sandberg, Hermione, blah, blah, blah.
And then at the bottom of the page, it says, "but the main reason I will be a great Peer Leadership Adviser is I'm Blur.
Big blur! Oh, wait.
Oh! I think that's an "F.
" Ooh! "F-A.
" Oh, no, no, no! It's an "L"! It's an "L"! Look! Oh, okay.
"Fl" "Fl" Help me out here, people! Um "Fluorescent.
" - "Flashy.
" - "Flude.
" Uh, "Flude" isn't even a word.
Okay, it's an adjective.
My bad.
Whatever.
"Flamboyant.
" Hey, this is kind of fun.
I like this game.
It's like Mad Libs, except it's Sue Libs-- "Pathetic," "Dork.
" We're working with "Fl" people.
"Flood of sunshine.
" - "Flan.
" - "Flamingo.
" Now you're just saying words.
Okay, forget that.
I'm just gonna have to start over.
- Where am I going? You said it was on 27th Street? - Yes.
Please! I'm begging you, please just get me to college.
This whole peer thing is a joke.
It's just a bunch of juniors telling sophomores how to tell freshmen where the bathroom is.
It's a gateway to becoming Recording Secretary! Everybody can't just throw a ball and get into college, Axl! I think I passed it.
Great.
We're-- we're burning gas on something she's never gonna get.
Yeah, and it's all coming out of my pocket.
Did you not hear her?! She has no chance of getting Recording Secretary unless she gets this! Sir? Sir, we need to use your fax machine.
Machine's over there.
It takes cash and credit cards.
It's do-it-yourself.
Oh, okay! I need a good last sentence.
Okay, we need cash.
Who has cash? I spent all mine at Bed Bath And Between.
I'm out of cash, too.
How about a credit card? Uh, no.
No, definitely not that one.
Okay, what are we gonna do?! We need money! Oh, my God.
Seriously? Come on, we know you got laundry quarters, Axl.
Cough 'em up.
Ugh! Fine! But this is going on your tab, with interest, whatever that is.
"So in conclusion I love America.
" Okay.
Wait! "Fluent in teen speak.
" That was the "Fl" I should be a Junior Peer Leadership Adviser because I am fluent in teen speak! - Oh, now who's ringing? - Oh! Oh! Oh, it's them! Maybe they loved my essay.
It doesn't work quite that quick, Sue.
It-- it's you, Mike.
Me? Who the hell calls me? Hello? Yeah, this is "dad.
" You don't say? This guy found Brick's phone.
Oh.
Yep, I know where that is.
Be there in 20 minutes.
No! No! We need to be moving forward, not back-- what-- why are you doing this to me? I know I'm the only thing in the house that brings you joy, but you've got to let me go! Oh! Thank you so much! See, we're on our way to take our oldest to college.
He's going to East Indiana State.
So we got my other son a phone 'cause, you know, brothers want to keep in touch.
But thanks, anyway.
We really appreciate it.
We got to get going.
So after picking up Brick's phone multiple bathroom breaks-- including one stretch of highway where there was no bathroom-- we completed the 42-minute drive in five hours.
Well, this is it.
This is gonna be your home for the next four years.
Awesome! Okay, well, this is it.
Oh! You're coming in? Why? Why are you coming in? Axl, we've got to get you set up.
Boom! Set up.
Oh, this must be your roommate.
You must be Kenny.
Hi, we're Axl's parents.
Hi, we're the Hecks-- Frankie, Mike, Sue, and Brick.
Well, he seems nice.
Yikes.
Axl has to live here? It kind of smells.
Yikes.
It smells fine, Brick.
Sue, get off the phone and help me put this on.
Honey, just grab that corner.
Fine, fine.
Okay, parenting over.
Let's go.
Mike, we got to get him set up.
Do we? Oh, my God! It's them.
This is it.
Shh! Everybody, quiet! Hello? This is she.
Hello? Hello?! My battery just died! Oh! Brick, Brick, Brick, let me use your phone so I can call them back.
You are not gonna believe this.
Dad! Brick, start lookin'.
Hey, dude! Is that a palm tree? And sand! Dude's got a palm tree! Party room! Whoo! Party and study room! I got it! I am the 2013-2014 Junior Peer Leadership Adviser! Honey, that is so great.
So they must've liked that essay.
Oh, turns out they didn't even read it.
Nancy Seifried was hiding a teen pregnancy, and Karen Frick went into a depression because her parents got a divorce! I am walkin' on air! Whoo! Yeah! Bro! There's a keg of ice cream in room 321.
Ohh, it's on! I'll see you later.
Bye! Wait.
Wait.
Wait! Where's he going? I thought we would swing by the bookstore and let him pick out a t-shirt and take him to dinner.
Come on, Frankie.
Time to go.
You know, are you sure that party wasn't for the whole family? 'Cause I think he looked at everyone when he said it.
- Frankie.
- I just I mean Is that it? 'Cause I have things I wanted to tell him.
We've been telling him things for 18 years.
If he hasn't got it yet, he never will.
Okay.
I just thought it would be more of a moment, you know? Yeah.
Well, he's only Okay.
Okay.
Bye, Kenny.
Nice to meet you.
You boys study hard.
But not too hard.
Have some fun, too.
That's what college is all about.
Your whole life is waiting.
And remember, you can't discover new lands without leaving the shore.
That was on "Oprah.
" Or in the Bible.
Anyway, don't be afraid to try new things.
But not drugs.
And you shouldn't eat mayonnaise if it's been sitting out for more than two hours.
This is just so hard.
I know.
It's hard to say goodbye to Kenny.
Let's go.
Ohh.
Okay, that's it.
This thing is mine.
I completely get it, dad.
Smartest decision you've made all day.
Brick, this isn't even your phone.
Where'd you get this? Where were you?! I'm starving! There's, like, nothing in the cabinets.
Axl? What are you doing here? We're having a luau in my room tonight, and I forgot my guitar, so I quick swung back to get it.
Oh, come on! You didn't supersize the fries? What is wrong with you people? Oh, and, mom, seriously, you've got to go shopping.
Oh, God.
He's only 42 minutes away.
No! Yep.