Home Improvement s05e02 Episode Script

- Does everybody know what time it is? - Tool Time.
That's right.
Binford Tools is proud to present Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.
Whoo-hoo.
Thank you.
Thank you, Heidi.
Thank you, everybody.
Welcome to Tool Time.
I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor and you all know my assistant Al "Next Time Light a Match" Borland.
Today we're introducing a brand-new segment here on Tool Time.
That's right, it's called "The Unsung Heroes of the Job Site.
" # He gets no thanks and that ain't right # He's an unsung hero of the job site When people think about construction, they always think about the glory jobs.
Yeah, your dry wallers, your backhoers, your trench diggers.
What about the guys who don't get any glory? Yeah.
What about us? I said "unsung heroes," not "unsung zeroes.
" Today we'll meet the man who services these bad boys.
If you think your job stinks, wait till you meet this guy.
Premier Porta-Potti popper Frank Dougan.
Come on out, Frank.
How you doin', Tim? - I get that a lot, you know.
- Aw, man.
Aw, thanks.
How did you get in the Porta-Potti business? Well, you know, I just kind of fell into it.
Wanna tell us how you keep these maintained? You betcha, Al.
You know, what I got is, I got me a big old 20-foot suction hose and I got that sucker hooked up to my pumper truck and on the back I got an 800-gallon tank.
- 800? - Yeah.
You got it made, boy.
Good job, huge hose and a big truck.
Well, that's true, Tim, but you know, there's one thing I don't get: Respect.
People walk up to one of these Porta-Potties and they look at it and they stand there and they say "I'll wait.
" That's gotta hurt, too.
I like Porta-Potties.
I like these things.
I wish I had one next to my couch in the living room.
During football season, I'd never have to leave the room.
'Course, everyone else would.
Tell us all about this 35-gallon polyurethane bad boy.
Oh, you bet.
Well, Tim, as you can see, it's very spacious, totally clean, it'll accommodate either one of your sexes - most importantly of all, perfectly private.
There's a man who takes pride in his work.
Glorifies his job.
Truly the unsung hero of the job site.
Come on out and show us how you move these job site to job site.
- Frank.
- Tim, it's gonna be about another minute.
# He gets no thanks and that ain't right # He's an unsung hero of the job site - Hi, Mom.
Hi, Dad.
- Hey, Brad.
You were supposed to be back from school an hour ago.
I stayed late.
I just wanted to soak up some extra knowledge.
By any chance, were you soaking up that extra knowledge in detention? Hey.
Knowledge is knowledge.
I can't believe you, Brad.
It's not that big a deal.
I've had detention before.
It's the first day of school! No one ever gets detention on the first day of school.
I wouldn't say no one.
What did you do? Nothing! Bruce Tyler was throwing spit wads at me.
I had to do something.
- I meant Brad.
What did you do? - Nothing.
So this is one of those "Come and get to know the other delinquents" sort of thing? Look, I told you, OK? I didn't do anything.
You believe that? It's terrible.
Teachers are still giving detention for nothing.
- Hi! - Oh, hi, Al.
Sorry to barge in.
I've been trying to call for two hours.
The phone's busy.
Randy, get off the phone.
So did you hear the news? Binford has officially been sold.
- All right.
Who was the mystery buyer? - Some guy by the name of Bud Harper.
Why do I know that name? When I worked at the magazine, we did a cover story on him.
No, I never read the magazine.
He owns that chain of tire stores, a software company, the commuter airline.
That's right.
Wait a minute, this guy's got a lot of money.
That could help Tool Time.
Or it could be the worst thing to happen.
You know how these big conglomerate guys work.
They're ruthless.
- They come in, they cut out all the fat.
- No wonder you're worried.
They already fired the president.
What if we're next? What if they fire us and get rid of Tool Time? - Would you quit spitting on my neck? - Well? They won't get rid of Tool Time.
We're the crown jewel of the Binford empire.
The crown jewel? I had no idea I was married to royalty.
Well, you know it now.
Hello.
Yeah, just a minute please.
Your Highness.
Bud Harper's office calling.
Oh, no! It's always worse when they call you at home.
- Al.
- It's over, we're history.
Sayonara.
Al, chill.
Yes.
Uh-huh.
Sure.
Breakfast would be fine.
I get up pretty He wants to have breakfast at 6am? Sure, I'll just move my lunch to 9:30.
Yes, I know where it is.
I'll be there.
Thank you very much.
Goodbye.
Having a breakfast meeting with Bud Harper.
No problem.
Thank goodness.
A guy doesn't take you out to breakfast to fire you.
- Actually, sometimes he does.
- Huh? Oh, I knew breakfast was a bad idea.
It's not always bad.
It depends what he orders.
If he orders breakfast, you're fine.
If he just orders coffee, he wants to get out fast, and you're history.
Where did you come up with that theory? When I worked as a cashier in high school, I got fired over coffee.
When I was fired from the bookstore, coffee.
When I was fired from the diner, coffee to go.
Have you ever kept a job? There's gotta be a way out of this thing.
- Tim? - What?! - Bud Harper.
- Oh, Bud Harper.
- Good to see you.
- Good to see you.
Heard a lot about you.
- Thank you.
Sit down.
Sorry I'm late.
- That's OK, I was working.
What can I get you guys? Big breakfast.
Have a big one, a big breakfast.
Eggs, pancakes, toast, breakfast meats - the whole left side of the menu.
Same? Oh, no.
Just coffee for me.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
You gotta have breakfast.
It is the foundation meal of the whole day.
Just coffee.
A lot of coffee.
Bring a whole bunch of coffee.
Uh, now, Tim.
I need to talk to you about your show.
I had my people study the ratings and I don't like what they told me.
- Can I call you Bud? - Absolutely.
Don't listen to what they say.
My people give me the wrong information all the time.
According to my people, you don't have people.
Thank you.
Now, uh, Tim.
I'm not gonna blow a lot of sunshine up your butt.
Good, 'cause it sounds like it might be kind of painful.
I've always loved Binford Tools.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
- I think Tool Time is a great show.
- You do? That's right.
Together we can break out of the local market and take it national.
Yeah.
You mean, like, all over Michigan? No, no.
Like, all over the country.
I plan to sink major dollars into this show.
Build new sets.
We'll start out at ten new markets and as the show becomes more profitable, your salary will be commensurate.
Oh, boy.
There's always a catch, isn't there? - You'll make more money.
- Oh, that commensurate.
Yeah! Now Tim, there's an aspect of Tool Time I need to talk to you about.
- Shoot.
- Well, when I was watching the show, there was one thing that, I don't know, just rubbed me the wrong way.
Ah, yeah.
You didn't like our salute to lubricants.
Oh, lubricants? No, no.
Lubricants is great television.
No, no, no, no.
I'm talking about something I feel is keeping the show from really taking off.
Gadget Corner.
We can dump it.
I don't like it.
Oh, no.
I love Gadget Corner.
Yeah So do I.
I love that.
That's good, too.
- No, no, no.
I'm I'm talking about Al.
- What about Al? Well, I know you guys have been together a long time and I just - Six years.
- Yeah! Oh, well, good.
Well I'm gonna put this as delicately as possible.
Go ahead.
You gotta dump him.
Bud, I-I can't do Tool Time without Al.
Everybody loves Al.
Oh, no, no, no, not everybody.
Now, we did some audience testing and the numbers show that Al is a big dud with the younger viewers.
- I don't put stock in audience testing.
- Well, you tested through the roof.
On the other hand, it's quite a valuable tool.
Oh, audiences love you.
Of course, they don't love you as much as they love Heidi.
Yeah, that's funny.
You're not kidding? Heidi tested better than me? Heidi tested better than Santa Claus.
- OK, here are your egg dishes.
- Oh, it's great, Dolores.
Hot cereals and breakfast meats will be out in a minute.
I'm really adamant about this with Al.
I have to - Your choice of bacon, ham or sausage.
- Sausage.
The reason - Links or patties? - Links.
The first - Mild or spicy? - Just surprise me! I don't care much about your testing, really, because Al is a big hit with the seniors.
You go to any early-bird special in this city, you hear people talking about Al Borland.
Yeah, but that's the problem.
The senior crowd has already bought their tools.
We need new viewers who are hip, not viewers who need a new hip.
I I've been together with Al for six years, though.
OK, you've got That's That's just great, Dolores.
OK, I've got hash browns, home fries or O'Briens.
Am I your only customer? No, but you're my favorite.
Tim, listen to me, I'm giving you the chance of a lifetime.
You can make a lot more money and be a star.
Look, I want you to go toe-to-toe with Bob Vila and crush him like a bug.
Crush him like a bug.
More coffee! Yeah.
- You like that.
- Yeah, crush him like a bug.
- Yeah.
- Yeah! - Then you know what you gotta do? - Yeah! What? - Fire Al.
- You want me to fire Al? Well, I can't do it.
My grandmother loves Al.
Brad, what's detention like? It's a drag.
They sit you in a room, then they yell at you and finally, they make you do your homework.
It's just like being at home.
Except I can't get you to do your homework.
Neither could they.
That's why Brad will be late today too.
Would you shut up? - You got detention in detention? - Yeah, but it wasn't my fault.
- It's never your fault.
- Hey, thanks for understanding.
We're gonna talk about this later.
You better not get any more detention.
- Hey, Wilson.
- Well, hi-de-ho, neighborette.
How'd you like an obnoxious teenaged son for the next few years? It wouldn't be first on my wish list.
It's not first on mine either, but I have no choice.
And I got two more hot on his heels.
Well, Brad is a good kid.
I'm sure it's just a phase.
I hope so.
He's driving me crazy.
It's the first day of high school and he's mouthing off and getting in trouble.
Ah, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Hm? What happened to my sweet little boy? If it's any consolation, I myself was quite the rapscallion when I was Brad's age.
- That's hard to believe.
- Oh, yes, indeedy.
I was a holy terror.
What could you have done? Well, I'm afraid to admit it, but when I was in high school, I was playing chess with my father and he had me hopelessly cornered.
And I, being the incorrigible rebel, refused to concede defeat.
And I thought Brad was bad.
It gets worse.
So for punishment, he sent me up to my room and instead, I snuck out a window, across the state line and went to a Monet exhibit.
You were a wild one.
Oh, yes, I was.
And look how normal I turned out.
- Hi, honey.
- Hi! What's in the bags? Oh, about 300 different kinds of sausage.
What happened with Bud Harper? Well, he'd like to sink more money into the show and take Tool Time national.
What? National? That's terrific! That's going to be great for you and Al.
Well It's going to be a lot greater for me than it will be for Al.
What do you mean? If we make the move to national, I'll make more money and Al will make, before taxes, nothing.
- He's going to fire Al? - No, no, no.
He wants me to fire Al.
That's terrible.
I can't believe they'd put you in that position.
- Me neither.
I can't fire Al.
- Of course you can't.
If I don't fire Al, they won't put money into Tool Time and there goes my dream - taking the show national, making more money, buying that vacation home we've been thinking about.
The one on the lake with the screened-in porch all the way around.
- Tell me why I'm giving this up again.
- 'Cause it's the right thing to do.
- What else you got? - Tim.
This is an opportunity of a lifetime.
Don't I owe it to myself just to consider it? I mean, Al is a good friend of mine, but how loyal do I have to be? Depends on how good a friend you are.
Look at it this way.
Maybe by firing Al, it would help his career.
How do you figure that? When Bob Vila and Norm broke up, no one thought Norm'd do anything.
Now he's got that whittling thing on Channel 15.
Al would be devastated.
Tool Time is everything to him.
That's sick.
What kind of guy dedicates his whole life to a local cable show? - Hello? - Hello! Hey, Al! Look, it's Al.
- How did breakfast go? Is the rumor true? - What rumor is that, Al? Well, Heidi heard that Harper wants to take the show national.
- He might have said something about it.
- That is our dream come true! - Dreams die, Al.
- What are you talking about? - I told him I wasn't interested.
- Why'd you say that? I don't know.
I thought it was the right thing to do and I don't want to talk about it.
How could you possibly make a decision like that without thinking how it affects me? - Al - You're just You're so selfish.
It's always Tim, Tim, Tim.
Just once, what about Al? What about breakfast? I got pancakes, waffles I don't want breakfast.
I want to know why you're trying to ruin my career.
You wanna know why I don't want to go national? I'll tell you Potatoes.
I got O'Brien potatoes, hash browns I thought I could count on you, but all you can think about is yourself.
I guess you just forgot about a little word called "loyalty.
" Would you remind me one more time why I am giving up my dream for that man? OK, OK, OK.
Nothing's coming.
- Yeah.
So you're saying I should fire Al? - I'm not saying that.
- You're implying it.
- I'm not.
Would you imply it? Please, please, please? I mean, how could you fire Al? He's like part of our family.
Well, I just could treat him like a member of your side.
Hey, hey.
There's my man Tim.
Tim, how are you doing? - Good.
- Good to see you.
Heard you drive up.
Sounds like a big block.
Good ear.
I need to talk to you.
I want to set up interviews with new assistants.
Don't bother.
I've thought about it and I'm not doing the show without Al.
- What are you talking about? - Even if it means staying right where I am.
I don't understand you.
Why are you going to the mat for this guy? The only thing Al's done for you is drag you down.
I'm not doing the show without Al.
He's a great tool man, he can fix anything and besides that, he's my friend.
You're making a really bad business decision.
I don't see it that way.
My gut tells me your tests are wrong.
America would love Al because Al loves America.
I do.
- Al, we were just talking about you.
- I heard.
Al, it's nothing personal.
I just don't think your style is right for the show.
W- wait a minute.
I think you're wrong.
I mean, is this man boring? Yes.
Is he dull beyond belief? You bet.
A fashion nightmare? Tell me somethin' I don't know! Anybody can be hip or exciting.
One man dares to be dull.
One man has the courage to be monotonous, tedious and uninteresting.
That man is Al Borland.
Thank you, Tim.
It's the interplay between us that makes the show popular.
Well, Tim, I respect your opinion, but it's just your opinion and it's my money.
- Well, Tim is not interested in your money.
- Shut up, Al.
Let me prove we have what it takes to go national.
Put me in ten cities.
- No way.
- Eight cities.
- No, forget it.
- Five cities, Bud.
Tim.
You know you're a loyal guy.
You went to bat for a friend and I respect that.
- I'll put you in two new markets.
- We'll take it.
- It's not up to you.
- Well, of course not.
- Done deal.
- All right.
Good luck.
You've got six months to prove yourself.
- We won't let you down, Bud.
- All right.
I feel like the biggest jerk in the world.
I said all those horrible things and you were just standing up for me.
Don't give it another thought.
You'd have done the same for me.
No.
I am lucky to have a friend like you.
You're as big as they come.
Ohh You're getting the "I'm going to hug you" look - Just a little one.
- No, Al Argh! You're pushing me.
- You're fired! - I am not, you big friend, you.
I want to show you something unless you want to change.
No, we got an hour.
I'll stay casual.
All right, I've been thinking about going national.
I've got something big in mind.
- We've already done a Porta-Potti show.
- No.
I made some adjustments.
A few modifications, OK? All right.
You know how those guys eat on the job site? I got a man-size air freshener.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
I'll take this Porta-Potti where it's never been before.
I'll make it easier to move from job site to job site.
- And how are you gonna do that? - Small motor.
And they were gonna fire me.
You're getting the "I'm going to hug you" look - Just a little one.
- No, Al Argh! You're pushing me.
- You're fired.
- I am not, you big friend, you.