King of the Hill s05e02 Episode Script

Rip by XhmikosR Dad, I didn't get to bed until 3:00 this morning.
I was watching the Taxi marathon on Nick at Nite.
[imitating Latka Gravas.]
Thank you very much.
Bobby, in this house you don't get to sleep through your summer vacation and watch what were probably repeats all night like some shut-in.
Here.
I've put together a chore list.
And I made sure to alternate between light and heavy chores.
Weed-pulling is not a light chore.
Yes, it is.
I just purchased a new weed-puller.
Well, actually, I wouldn't mind trying that out first.
And don't worry about the garage door.
I'll paint that this weekend.
I'm not giving you my chores, you're getting a job.
Okay.
Though I'm not very employable.
No skills, bad attitude, seventh-grade education.
But we can try.
Hello, Peggy Hill.
Well, Minh, I'm surprised to see you here.
I've been donating blood for a long time.
I'm what they call a universal donor.
Type O.
I can give blood to anyone.
My blood that important.
Well, I am AB negative, the rarest blood of all.
Liquid gold! Mrs.
Hill, our records show that you have donated a total of six pints of blood.
I want you to know that when you've reached eight pints-- Or one gallon.
Yes, or one gallon, we will give you a complimentary coffee mug.
A mug? And it would say that I gave blood, right? Yes.
And Mrs.
Souphanousinphone, you're only one pint away from the mug.
Hear that, Peggy Hill? Next time I'll be drinking orange juice from a coffee mug while you still drinking it from the little itty-bitty Peggy Hill paper cup.
Stealing company gas, Hank? Good one.
Mr.
Strickland, I was wondering if it'd be okay to put Bobby to work for the summer as a tank wipe? No, it's too late.
I promised the last tank-wipe job to Miz Liz's brother's stepson's kid.
But I'll tell you what.
If Bobby works half as hard as you, I'll pull a few strings, grease a few palms and get him a job as a caddy at the golf club.
Well, that would be great, sir.
You know, I love golf.
Maybe if, you know, sometime I mean, I know you love golf, too, and I thought-- No, Hank.
You're too old to be a caddy.
Get back to work.
Well, hey, Minh.
I just thought you'd like to know that I've donated another pint of blood.
Seven pints apiece, Minh.
But not for long.
I am on a donating streak.
[Grunting.]
The trick to being picked by a golfer is to make sure you make eye contact.
Look alert.
They like that.
If you don't get picked, you end up sitting on your butt all day.
Thanks for the tip.
Yeah.
Let me see.
Kid.
[Car horn playing Deep in the Heart of Texas.]
Hey, Mr.
Strickland.
Nice to see you, sir.
Here you go, Bradley.
Hey, you.
Bring me a martini on the first tee.
Two olives.
- Hey, Bobby.
How're they treating you? - Good, sir.
Well, now you can tell them Buck Strickland treats you better.
After work we're gonna hang out and wash some golf carts.
And we're gonna ride some blocks of ice down a hill.
Well, I'm not really interested in washing carts.
But you give me a shout when you're ready to do that ice-riding thing.
Okay.
You want to go first? Me? Sure.
What the hey? Now, how do l You are ice-blocking, my friend.
Yeah! Do you know who you knocked down? The chairman of the Membership Committee.
Yeah, that's right.
Corky Haywood.
I'd be wetting myself, too, right now if I were you.
[Doorbell rings.]
Sir, your son was involved in an incident near green number six.
A club member was incapacitated due to ice-blocking.
Your son's services as a caddy have been terminated.
Oh, God, Bobby.
Mr.
Strickland is my boss.
He put his reputation on the line to get you this job.
Also, sir, your truck is parked more than one foot from the curb.
- I'm giving you a warning.
- You're not a cop.
That's why it's just a warning.
Corky Raywood may have a deep thigh bruise but the real victim here is Mr.
Strickland.
You owe that man an apology.
I'll wait out here.
I'm really sorry, sir.
I don't know if you've ever ridden a block of ice before.
Well, I married Miz Liz, didn't I? Now, don't you worry, Bobby.
I'll take care of this.
But that security guy said I was fired.
Then that security guard's fired.
- No, please don't-- - Too late.
He's fired.
Sorry, Bobby.
I was making a hot toddy before you showed up.
You want a hot toddy? A hot toddy will calm your nerves.
- No, thank you, sir.
- Miz Liz! Two hot toddies! We're gonna toast your new job as my personal caddy.
Now, tell me, Bobby, did you really knock that son of a bitch on his ass? You know, he tried to get me kicked out of the club for throwing my putter at his wife? No one sneezes when Buck Strickland's about to putt.
Except for Buck Strickland.
I'm gonna make him my personal caddy.
Well, gee, thank you for doing this for me, sir.
Not doing it for you, I'm doing it for Bobby.
He reminds me of my boy.
I didn't know you had a son.
Yeah.
Lives in a different town, different woman.
Name's Roy, Ray, something like that.
After 16 years, I'm too embarrassed to ask.
Eighteen holes.
I've never walked that far in my life.
Well, you're not gonna start now.
Toss those clubs in the cart and take the driver's seat.
- You hungry, Bobby? - Yes, sir, I am.
Well, how's a couple of hot dogs with everything on them sound? Fantastic! Damn it! - You playing army golf today, Vargas? - Army golf? Yeah.
Left, right, left, right.
Good one, sir.
Yahoo! Sent that whore home in a taxi! I had a dream last night where we were all naked.
Except for you, Hank.
You had these tiny, clear, plastic underpants on.
Actually, they weren't doing you any good, really, because you could see everything.
But the weird part is-- Look.
There's Bobby.
See you tomorrow at the club, Bobby.
You didn't ask Mr.
Strickland to give you a ride home, did you? He insisted.
And he tipped me a dead president: Hamilton.
Way to go, Bobby.
Mr.
Strickland's not one to throw his money around.
He rewards hard work with a fair salary.
Look at you, Hank.
You are so jealous.
When was the last time you were dropped off at home by your boss? Never.
So then, when Buck finally sunk his putt, he tried to do a little dance but he's kind of too big, so he had me do it for him.
Everybody loved it.
Well, while Buck's out enjoying himself on the links I'm just glad he's got someone like me at the shop to keep the trains running on time.
Take today, for instance.
We got a surprise call from the Propane Association.
They needed to talk to Buck.
Well, I handled it.
Told them that would be fine.
Yep, that's just the kind of fires I have to put out when Buck's not around.
Anyway, it was some game.
Mr.
Strickland got up under more balls than a midget hooker.
Bobby! Where did you learn language like that? The television? No, Mr.
Strickland.
Just because you're his caddy does not give you the right to repeat it.
Take it easy, Old Top.
God dang it, it's 7:15.
I'm missing The Wheel.
Sir, last night at dinner Bobby used some language Sorry.
I didn't Yeah, no.
Look, yeah, I got to go.
Your daddy just walked in the room.
Hank, you want to say hi to your son? No, but I'm glad I can talk to you both.
Mr.
Strickland, Bobby used some language last night that he said he got from you.
Is that true, Bobby? Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
All right then, Bobby.
I'll see you at the club.
That it, Hank? I'm sorry, ma'am.
But I'm afraid I'm going to have to send you home.
Your blood pressure is way too low.
Oh! Darn.
No mug for Minh.
Did you give blood recently? Yes.
But so did she.
Twice! Sea! You do not have to take it from a vein in my arm.
You can take it from one in the back of my leg.
Both of you go home.
And I'm not giving you a mug.
You can have a cookie.
I do not want a cookie.
I want that mug.
Come on.
What are you waiting for? Let's save some lives! You ready to lose, Pratley? Look out.
Shoot.
Now, where did that little son of a gun get to? It's over here, Mr.
Strickland.
I almost broke my neck tripping over that ball.
Well, isn't that cheating, Mr.
Strickland? I'm not gonna lie to you, Bobby.
No.
it's just being clumsy.
There's no law against being clumsy.
That is, unless you're caught.
[Buck laughing.]
[Splashing.]
[Geese squawking.]
Go find the ball, Bobby.
Find it some place good.
BUCK: Well, see you later, Bobby.
Remember to soak those feet.
So, Bobby, I thought that maybe we'd go golfing tomorrow.
Just the two of us.
Uh-huh.
Give your mother a chance to recuperate.
[Weak moan.]
I can't, Dad.
Buck asked me to caddy for him this weekend.
And we are teeing off at 9:00 tomorrow.
Isn't that Mr.
Strickland's watch? It's my watch now.
He gave it to me as a gift.
Buck Strickland does not give gifts.
I've worked for the man over 15 years and he's never given me anything.
[Weakly.]
That's true, Bobby.
Never has.
Mr.
Strickland probably just lent it to you.
No.
He gave it to me for helping him get the best score of his life.
- What did he shoot? - A 65.
What? Well, that's a course record.
He was having some trouble but I bailed him out with my trusty "hand wedge.
" Bobby, you cheated.
There was money on the game.
Besides, Lane Pratley's a horse's ass.
You're giving that watch back.
No, I'm not.
Mr.
Strickland gave me that watch and it's Mr.
Strickland who gives me my money.
He asks me to jump and I say, "How high?" He asks me to cheat and we're on the green in two.
Well, there is no getting around the rules in this house.
If you like cheating and lying so much, why don't you go to Buck's house? - All right, maybe I will.
- Fine.
I'll drive you.
- Hank, what are you doing? - I know what I'm doing.
Well, it sounds like you know what you're doing.
But I am still too lightheaded to really fully comprehend your plan.
Buck' s no baby-sitter .
He'll turn Bobby away the minute he sets foot on his doorstep.
All right, I can't handle a thousand details, Hank.
Just give me the broad strokes.
Hey.
Bobby! Did Bobby phone home yet? - Where is Bobby? - Well, he's still at Buck's.
But believe me, after a couple of hours without his nightlight and humidifier he'll be begging to come home.
Hello, Lupino.
Sorry to disturb you.
I need to talk to Mr.
Strickland.
Mr.
Strickland went to Hot Springs, Arkansas.
I press his gambling suit and I pack his naked-lady playing cards.
He goes last night with Mr.
Hill.
- I'm Mr.
Hill.
- Little Mr.
Hill.
Dang it! All right.
If Mr.
Strickland calls, you tell him I'm taking a personal day.
You ever been to the dog races, Bobby? Not one as organized as this.
Do they still let the monkeys ride the dogs around the track? No, not since the '40s.
Nothing like seeing a monkey whip a dog down the backstretch.
Bobby, you're gonna be my wallet caddy.
Now, don't lose it.
I got all my betting money in there.
Okay! Okay, now, I just put our money on Wonderdog.
I like that name.
Yeah.
I saw Wonderdog dump a load before the race.
Means he'll run light.
Look out, folks.
Here comes the bunny.
- Go, Wonderdog! - Go, Wonderdog! Wallet caddy, hand me my wallet.
We're going again! PEGGY: [Weakly.]
Hey, Minh.
Down here, Minh.
That's not real! You made that yourself! They wouldn't take any more blood from you.
Well, maybe not in Arlen.
Maybe not in McMaynerbury.
But, Minh, there's a little town called Houston.
And when that construction crane fell over they didn't have time to ask questions.
You're lying! I would not be down here gloating if I were.
I think I'll go inside and brew some coffee.
[Minh muttering angrily.]
Yep.
That's gonna taste sweet.
Now, you see, your daddy wouldn't know how to have a good time like this.
No, sir.
He would not.
Hey, old-timer.
Do you know where Rooster's crap game is tonight? Rooster's crap game is between Fourth and Fifth Street.
Go around the back.
Knock twice and slip $20 under the door.
You ever see someone fish for $40, Bobby? - No.
- Watch this.
Look at him go! He makes in a year what I make in a week.
[Solemn instrumental music.]
Thanks for letting me know that my taillight was out.
Well, I'd want you to do the same for me, Officer.
Say, can you tell me how much further it is to Hot Springs? Another hour-and-a-half.
- All right.
Drive carefully now.
- I will.
[Alarm sounding in distance.]
[Cat shrieking.]
[Jazz music playing.]
- Kid can't come in.
- It's okay.
He's my son.
I don't care whose son it is.
Kid can't come in.
All right.
Bobby, you're gonna have to stay out here.
I'm gonna take half my betting money, you hold onto the rest.
Here.
Hold onto my heart pills.
If I'm losing my shirt in there, I'm gonna fake a heart attack.
Now, that's your cue to come in waving the pills, screaming: "My daddy's having a heart attack!" You got that? - Now, who's my wallet caddy? - I am.
There we go! - What are you looking at? - Nothing.
Come on, baby.
Forget about him.
You're lucky my woman doesn't want me to fight, you little freak or I'd mess you up good.
I am hot, Bobby! I just hit the five three times in a row! - Do you think I should press the five? - I don't know.
[Vomiting.]
- Mr.
Strickland, how much longer do you-- - Screw it! I'm gonna press the five.
Luck is with me tonight, Bobby.
I'm on the gravy train with biscuit wheels.
- You all emptied out, Carla? - Yeah.
Oh, God! Okay, kid, hand over the money.
My daddy's having a heart attack! Your daddy already tried that.
We're not buying it.
- Now, give us the money.
- And the watch.
But the watch is mine.
Your daddy said you'd give us the money and the watch.
Now, come on, kid.
The watch.
The watch is mine! You get what you needed, Rooster? That boy give you the money and the watch? The boy gave us the money, took off with the watch.
What? God dang it, Bobby.
I think I'm having an infarction! Look through his pockets.
And take his shoes.
It's my watch.
Back off.
I'm this boy's father.
I thought the old guy was his father.
No.
This one's my dad.
This one right here.
The one with the golf club.
Here.
Take the watch.
I don't want it anymore.
The quicker we're out of Hot Springs the better.
Keep your distance.
I just need some air.
You heard me.
I'm having a goddang heart attack! Mr.
Strickland, get in.
Get him.
What are you waiting for, Hank? Go! Yeah! Come and get me, you sons of bitches! Come on, step on it! Yeah! That's right, you backwater hicks! You missed Buck again! [Buck whooping.]
So, I guess I'm gonna be punished.
You're darn right.
First of all, you will not be caddying for Mr.
Strickland anymore.
Second of all, you're grounded for the rest of the summer.
Thanks, Dad.
Miz Liz! Two ha!' toddies! Rip by XhmikosR