Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s05e02 Episode Script

Then he retired and went in search of paradise.
Where's he live now, then? Clacton.
Her Lionel never got married, not so much on principle, I think he was just dead jammy.
No, I'm not having that, there's more to not getting married than just staying single.
If you want to not get married then you've got to really work at it.
But he managed it.
Oh, yes, but Foggy has several natural advantages for not getting married.
He has that bachelor shyness that we've all seen when he has to take his purse out and actually pay for anything.
Plus the fact that he's dead crackers and prone to going leaping up steep hills like an excited Brownie.
Where the hell are we going? Are you coming? Coming, mein Fuhrer.
If you must do a hill climb in wellies couldn't you have got yourself a racing pair? What's wrong with thee? I've worn wellies all my civilian life.
I can tell that, they're the same damn pair.
Get off, there's plenty of mileage in these yet.
What's all the gallop anyway, Foggy? You're turning good human knees into chutney.
And why have you got that purposeful glint behind your glasses? I've got this idea, well, it's more than an idea, really.
I suppose you'd call it a vision.
Oh, you can scoff.
God only knows he can scoff, I've seen his sandwiches.
But unless his soul has absolutely shrivelled and not just his vest, when you get up there you'll see what I mean.
The view, the grandeur, the valley spreading out beneath us, lacking only one thing, which we are going to supply.
I don't think that's all that funny.
Come on, I know you're there somewhere.
I try.
God knows I've tried to raise the tone of our activities.
Who introduced you to astronomy? Right.
Who was it who brought you out here into the hills one night and taught you to navigate by the stars? They got a taxi back from Cleckheaton.
If it weren't for me you'd just drift.
You would.
Well, he would, you know him, he drifts, you know he does, like an oil slick for Nora Batty.
If it hadn't been for me would either of you enrolled for art classes this last winter? Where you would have persisted.
God the things he could do with a bit of Auxerre drizzle.
Now don't you think I've forgotten, I will never forget it, if HE FEIGNS COUGHING Come out.
Come out.
Hey, Missus, careful where you put your feet.
You made me look a right wally there.
Have you ever been trodden on by a lady hiker? Not me, I'm a man of simple tastes.
It goes a long way to making your eyes water, I can tell you.
Did you see her boots? She had no control over them boots.
Look, can we just stick together and get a move on? No more jolly japes, let's call a halt temporarily to this "Let's make Foggy look a prawn" campaign.
You've hurt his rotten feelings.
What about thee? Well, it's nice of you to enquire but I feel all right.
I'm more or less at peace with the universe.
Except for this nagging suspicion that Foggy's in the grip of some enthusiasm again.
Listen, whatever he's got lined up for us, we stick together.
Right? Right.
Through thick and thin? Through thick and thin.
Now what are you plotting? It was him.
Now, is that a view or is that a view? You mean you don't know? You brought us all this flaming way and you don't know? It's times like this you wish you'd brought your other glasses.
Damn it, men, can't you enthuse a bit? I mean, look at it, it gets you here, doesn't it, it gets you right in here.
Where does it get you exactly, Foggy? Here, right in here where my finger's pointing.
Oh, golly, just to the left of the buckle on your braces.
I don't believe it, it must make you feel something.
How about shagged? Shut up.
I don't expect anything better from you, but come on, Clegg, look at all that magnificence spreading out there below you, what do you really think? It's a heck of a walk home, Foggy.
THEY LAUGH Oh, dear, oh, dear.
'Ey up, Sid, just because we stagger in here completely knackered, there's no need for thee to make all this fuss.
I mean, we'll sit here until rigor mortis sets in, and tha can put us out with the empty fizzy pop crates.
Excitable, isn't he? Does he always panic like this? Beans and clips.
Chips.
Well, it looks like clips.
Order it if you like, but you'll still get chips.
# There'll be a welcome in the hillside # No singing, this establishment has no licence for singing.
You've got no licence for shouting either but that never stops thou Ivy.
Listen, if you're going to talk depressing, take your business somewhere else.
There isn't anywhere else.
Great, isn't it? Where is the lady of the house? She's out in front.
In a very big way.
Look you do not make personal remarks like that about people's wives.
I'm too old to change the habits of a lifetime.
What are you going to have? I think maybe a coronary if you are going to keep marching us up and down them Pennines.
It's no more than a stroll.
Of course, I keep forgetting that you haven't had the advantages of a commando training.
Not one of you could kill with his bare hands.
His bare feet, perhaps.
How far have you been? I know we turned right at Yugoslavia.
All right, all right, I was wrong, I over-estimated your staying powers.
I had you rated you as slack and unfit, whereas to reach that condition you'd both have to go into half training.
You've upset him this time.
Oh, I don't like to take all the credit, He's a tower of strength upsetting wise.
Oh, Norman, you are kind.
It was just that I had this vision, well, you know me, I'm an ideas man, you know the old grey matter, always churning.
That weren't your brains, that were your belly.
You see, you see how he trivialises everything? By God, he's a challenge but I shall rebuild him, we have the technology.
Come on then what was this vision? Well.
I had this vision once.
I were cast away on a desert island and who should come slinking round from behind a coconut tree, but Nora Batty.
You see, I'd surprised her in the middle of one of these native festivals.
Where she has to flick a duster over this little pot-bellied idol.
That'll be her husband, Warren.
There she stood in all her glory, wearing a sarong and a white camellia stuck into her curlers, and then, pffff And And them rotten crinkled stockings.
By God, why, she wears them stockings.
Well, why don't you complain? I do, I've said to her "Nora you're never "going to get anybody to grab your leg wearing stockings like that.
"It looks as though you've got haricot veins.
" Will you sit down? No, let him get on with it, I like it.
Don't encourage him.
He gets carried away.
God, I wish he would.
Well, there she stood in this jungle clearing and I'm thinking to myself, "Oh, oh, Compo, you could be lucky!" I wonder what she'll do for a few glass beads and a couple of trinkets.
Have you finished? Aye, because that is all there is for public consumption.
You see, as soon as she clapped eyes on me, she threw this flowered garland around my neck and then whispered passionately into my lughole.
"White man, come in Nora's hut.
" White, have you any idea how long it's since you've been white? Yes, well what about this vision of yours, Foggy, are you going to tell us about it? Well, it was just an idea.
Well, no, no, to be precise, it was a superb idea.
Oh, cor blimey.
And I'm quite determined to carry it through to the end despite the quality of the help.
What is it? That I, former Corporal Dewhurst, have a plan to put the perfect finishing touch to the great British landscape.
Oh, yes.
And what better to put the perfecting finishing touch to the great British landscape than the great British flag, the Union Jack.
He's crackers.
I am a craftsman and a patriot, sir.
If it is sited with great artistry in just the right place, a work of art.
Well, the idea came to me as a result of attending those winter art classes.
Are you trying to tell me that you went all through them art classes with that great lumpy bird sitting there starkers that we had to paint, and all you could think about were a flag? Not a flag, THE flag, my flag, our flag.
I'm not talking about something handkerchief-size, I'm talking about something huge.
You see he did notice that lady we painted Oh, no, the biggest we can find at the top of a tall, proud flagpole, of the kind which happens to be lying about abandoned at the back of what used to be the Sea Cadets' hut.
Listen, let me get this straight.
Are you trying to tell me that when you lot went painting at night school there was this nude model? I thought my idea would capture your imagination.
Nude, tha's never seen anything more nude in your life.
It was all hanging out Quite right.
He has never seen anything so nude in all his life, and at his age I've every confidence it's going to stay that way.
Hmm And don't be in there all day talking filth.
I'm only taking their orders.
Well, I hope you can keep your pencil still, cos if I see a lot of trembly handwriting you're in trouble.
Your missus, she don't go much on nudity, then? Listen, if it wasn't for the occasional illustration in the Coffee Bar Gazette, I'd still be under the impression that women were composed almost entirely of corset material.
I mean, to grab our Ivy playfully.
It's like, it's like feeling a lorry with an unsecure load.
Oh, I wouldn't say that.
What sort of illustrations do they have in the Coffee Bar Gazette? Oh, they're all at it these days.
Even the Poultry Keepers' Weekly.
No, man, that was a Rhode Island Red dressed ready for the oven.
Shows how long it is since I took any interest.
What about this nude model at the art class I never looked, it was too embarrassing.
I looked.
Oh, yeah, we know you'd look.
I made the discovery that nude modelling makes my neck ache.
Why should nude modelling make your neck ache? I spent two hours staring at the ceiling.
It's quite true, I saw him, I thought he was peering under his glasses.
No way, I'd already borrowed his glasses.
It's very sad, isn't it? Grown men going to pieces at the thought of the naked human form.
Impression of a grown man going to pieces at sight of a naked form.
Corrr! Sit down.
What is this thing in our background that won't let us be at ease with the undraped female form? You know damn well what this thing is in my background that won't let me be at ease with the undraped female form.
What was that? Form, my precious, as in racing form.
Application form, platforms.
Uniform.
(STRONG NORTHERN ACCENT) Foam rubber.
Sorry.
Well, I see you're all on form.
Yeah, covering up for this big Tinkerbell.
I'm only taking their orders, love.
Well, come in here and take some of mine.
What's it going to be, lads? Sausage, beans and clips, three times.
Funny, very funny.
It should be around here somewhere.
It's a long pole with ropes attached.
We know what a flagpole looks like.
Like thee without a cap.
Now, you look for it over there and I'll take this section here.
Look, Foggy's found it.
Did you see that? The old instinct, the way the body rolls with the fall, distributing the impact evenly throughout the base of the spine? I'm not as fit as I used to be.
Thou never was.
Are you sure you're all right? You seem to be getting your colour back.
Lord knows what colour it is.
Yes, I'm all right, just I've got to take my meals standing for a while.
Fancy leaving a damn flagpole laying about.
I don't suppose there's any chance, is there, Foggy, of you regarding this as an omen, mm? Do you think it might be a little hint from the gods that we ought to abandon the whole scheme? I mean, great idea, but who are we to defy the anger of the gods? Come back here! We're not packing in at the first little snag! I do usually.
Me too.
I here this voice that says, "If at first you don't succeed, pack it in!" Get hold of that end, let's see how much weight we've got here.
It's been lying here for years.
It could be a sacred Sea Cadet flagpole, bringing untold misfortune to any unbeliever who defiles it.
What, white man come in Nora's hut? Get hold of that end.
All right, lift.
Hey, just a minute.
How are we going to get this damn great lump up that hill? All right, all right, don't panic.
It's just a simple tactical problem we have to solve, that's all.
How? Well, I'm thinking about it.
Have you got any suggestions? Aye, stick it up your While you've been arguing, I've been sitting here under this pole thinking, why doesn't somebody get me out from under this pole? I only mention this A, because I can't move and B, as it's damp under here and there seems to be every possibility of getting woodlice in the trousers.
All right, go on, lift, lift.
Ever since I read some Harold Robbins I've had this nightmare about woodlice in the trousers.
It's staring us in the face.
The solution is staring us in the face.
The flagpole is too heavy to carry, therefore we need some transport.
Logical thinking, right? Right? It is a swift military assessment of the situation.
Shades of the old Desert Fox.
Tha'll need a chuffing helicopter.
How are you going to get a lorry up that hill, mein Fuhrer? How did we get guns up the hills in Italy during the war, big long, heavy guns? Not by lorry, by a much more primitive form of transport.
British Rail? On the back of a mule.
A mule?! Possibly two mules.
You mean those sort of reject horses that look like seconds? No, I mean mules, extremely adaptable, very useful, vicious, treacherous little animals.
Oh, I know.
Come back with you.
Did you think I hadn't planned for all that? I mean, give me a little bit of credit.
You don't think Corporal Dewhurst is going to handle mules? Oh, no, not for a minute.
He'll be banking on finding a couple of dozy pillocks to do it for him.
What, you two? What, Pinky and Perky, handling mules? Oh, dear, oh, dear.
Can we have that in writing? If you want a skilled job doing, you go to an expert.
Who do we know who's an expert with mules? Willis.
BOTH: Willis?! Well, its way past closing time, he ought to be leaving any minute.
Oh, speak of the devil, here he comes now.
Out! Oh! Willis.
Don't go near that pub, lads, they get nasty when you won't leave.
They're tossing you out much further these days, Willis.
It's that new landlord.
He always likes to do everything bigger and better than the last one did.
Why don't you change pubs, Willis? What and be thrown out by strangers? Oh, no, I couldn't.
Can you walk, Willis? I don't need to.
I've got my own transport.
Hey, Willis.
Aye.
I don't want to sound technical but shouldn't somebody be driving this thing? Oh, no.
Leave it to the horse, the horse knows where she's going.
Have you still got those mules, Willis? Not on me.
Keep him awake, we might be able to come to some arrangement here.
How the hell can I keep him awake? Keep irritating him, like you do me.
He's soaked out of his mind.
That's a wicked rumour to start about anybody just because they keep falling down.
Lift his head up and let it drop back smartly.
Oh, charming(!) How long were you in the Gestapo, mein Fuhrer? Mules, Willis! And you.
I still think somebody ought to be driving.
No, no, leave it to the horse, the horse knows where she's going.
Why are we coming back to the pub, Willis? The pub, Willis! You great, daft, stupid animal! ALL: Leave it to the horse, the horse knows where it's going.
It's not that he's a real drinker, it's only when he thinks about his wife leaving him.
Oh, I didn't know his wife had left him? She hasn't, he doesn't like to think about it.
She'll be at home, then.
No.
She'll be out putting a curse on everyone that won't buy her pegs.
He's had a romantic life, has Willis.
Marrying that exotic dark-eyed creature who taught him the 14 secret mind-blowing ways to cook your hedgehog.
They say she can cure warts.
It hasn't done much for Willis.
I wouldn't know her if I saw her, what's she look like anyway? Well, you remember that film Golden Earrings where Marlene Dietrich played this great-looking gypsy? Vaguely, yeah.
Well, don't remind Willis, he'll kill you.
I wonder if she's got anything for my back.
With a front like you've got, you should worry about your back.
'Ey up! How long have you been there? Now, then, mules.
You see, Willis, I have this vision.
Me too, kiddo.
Horrible little green things crawling all over the photo of my Uncle Herbert's scrapyard that I keep on my bedside table as a reminder of where hard work can get you.
Mind you, that was last year.
It's been much better since I cut down on alcohol.
That's Blossom, that's Flower.
Right, they know who they are, who's going to tell them who we are? No problem.
You see, you can handle them.
They'll follow you anywhere.
Look, Willis, we'll come back when your legs are working better.
You stay where you are.
If Willis is sure we can handle them ourselves, then we can handle them ourselves.
They're like a pair of kittens.
Why don't we start with a pair of kittens? Come out of there.
Come on, man, buck up.
Steady, steady.
Get up, get on.
Hold on! Buck yourself on like Flower? Fix it with your eye, master it.
Oh, no, no, no.
Blossom? Don't tease, get on it, get your leg on it, sit on it.
You're doing it all wrong.
You're doing it all wrong! Those men! Come back! Come back, you've done nothing yet.
By heck, Willis, those kittens of yours are fit.
I don't know why you packed it in.
I thought you were just getting the hang of it.
Any more bright ideas? I haven't finished with this one yet, just a temporary setback.
We shall overcome.
"We", you notice, not him.
Don't you like to feel part of something worthwhile? Don't you ever feel anything, apart from scruffy? I don't feel any parts after them mules.
Sir.
Take this down.
Oh, yes, sir.
Ready, sir.
To whom it may concern, this is to testify that since coming into contact with former Corporal Dewhurst, my life has been completely changed.
He is, in my opinion, one of his generation's leading idiots and I heartily recommend him to anyone in need of the same.
Sign it.
Thank you.
Come on, get a move on.
So, if you ever need a reference, Foggy I have all the references I require, thank you.
Including one signed by Lieutenant Colonel, The Earl Of Bridlington.
Zam, powey, and labour exchange, The Earl Of Bridlington! An officer and a gentleman, a great Englishman.
An institution as sound and as solid, well, as this dry-stone wall.
Yes, that's a weak spot.
It's a good job I noticed that, you know.
Anyone with less sharp eyes could have come a nasty cropper there.
You can run along now.
I'm going to stand to attention for a while.
I always feel better when I stand to attention for a while.